0:00:02 > 0:00:03Hello. Keith, here,
0:00:03 > 0:00:06and welcome to a film-ette that's in a glass of its own. Yes.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07It's based on a true story,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10though some sceney-poos have been scrungled.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14It also contains naughty bits.
0:00:14 > 0:00:22THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:25 > 0:00:30MUSIC: "Love Is The Drug" by Roxy Music
0:00:44 > 0:00:47# It ain't no big thing
0:00:47 > 0:00:52# To wait for the bell to ring
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# It ain't no big thing
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# The toll of the bell
0:00:58 > 0:01:00PHONE RINGS
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Aggravated, spare for days
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# I troll downtown
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# The red light place
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# Jump up, bubble up
0:01:09 > 0:01:11# What's in store?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15# Love is the drug and I need to score... #
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Ev?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Ev?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Ev?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- I've been a silly boy. - Why? What have you done now?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Might have gone a teensy bit too far, this time.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35What do you mean? Ev, are you there?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Ev, what are you talking about? What do you mean?
0:01:40 > 0:01:41MUSIC: "Radio Ga Ga" by Queen
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Hi, kids!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And a super-mungous Cuddly Ken welcomette
0:01:45 > 0:01:48to tonight's nerve-noggling, brain-bending,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52spleen-venting fantast-a-rama of...
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Revealing information...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Meaningful education...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And outrageous entertainment!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, sexy Hot Gossip, what a show!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03And how could it not be? When the central character,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06the leading man, the star of the show just happens to be...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Me!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Let's take our seats
0:02:11 > 0:02:15and boldly perambulate where no Kenny has perambulated before.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Gasp in admiration,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21as we witness a puny little kid from suburban Liverpool
0:02:21 > 0:02:25transform himself into the "Scouse that roared".
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And marvel as we watch darling Kenny
0:02:27 > 0:02:30yanking himself off on a journey up the showbiz ladder
0:02:30 > 0:02:32from the bottomest rung to the very toppest!
0:02:32 > 0:02:37And yet, what if none of us ever really know who we are?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# Aa-a-ah-ha
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# We are Children Of The World... #
0:02:44 > 0:02:47And tonight, he fully intends to penetrate
0:02:47 > 0:02:50the biggest, butchest issues like...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54How national trinket could go from this...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59..to this...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Two husbands are so much better than one.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06..via this...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Let's bomb Russia!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14But I'm telling you the plot, trust me,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18it's all done in the best possible taste!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22The Best Possible Taste!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29ECHOING MURMURS
0:03:45 > 0:03:49So, you can get a cuppa in heaven.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52This is the Royal Free Hampstead.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54And you are very lucky.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56To still be here?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Not to have caused lasting brain damage.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Who'd have noticed?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15MUSIC: "Sleepy Lagoon" by Eric Coates
0:04:34 > 0:04:35What are you doin' here, Cole?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Nothing.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Shouldn't you be practising for the school skipping competition?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Or pickin' out a new dress for the Gang Show?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Let's play a game.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I don't like games.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Not since they used me as a cricket stump.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52No, no this one's a belter - "Let's mash the weed."
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- And I'm the masher.- Can't I be?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56You couldn't mash a bowl of peas!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- How did I get to this?- You're gay.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You know, I hate that word.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Well...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10..it's better than the ones you grew up with.
0:05:10 > 0:05:17"Gay" applies to paper doilies and Juliet balconies.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18And Kenny Everett.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Do you know?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22You worry the whole world's going to tumble your big secret
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and you can't even come to terms with it, yourself.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26MUSIC: "At The End Of The Day"
0:05:26 > 0:05:29# At the end of the day
0:05:30 > 0:05:34# Just kneel and say... #
0:05:34 > 0:05:37RADIO STATIC
0:05:37 > 0:05:40HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Well, I can see the gas lamps flickering in Portland Place,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46signalling that it's time for us to part company for the evening.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50And we do so with a simply spiffing platter -
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Freddie And The Dreamers.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54CUES "I'm telling you now" by Freddie And The Dreamers
0:05:54 > 0:05:55And I'm telling you
0:05:55 > 0:05:59that this request goes out to Tom and Lily Cole
0:05:59 > 0:06:01of 14, Hereford Road, Seaforth,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03from your super son Maurice
0:06:03 > 0:06:06who promises to mow the lawn with nail-scissors
0:06:06 > 0:06:08if you'd bung him five English nicker
0:06:08 > 0:06:11towards a new tape recorder.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Oh, and he also says, "Ta very much."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It's now eight o'clock.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19CLOCK CHIMES
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"Ta very much"?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"Five English nicker"?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That sounds like...
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Where's our clock?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32MUSIC: "Louie, Louie" by The Kingsmen
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Unbeknownst to the evil Treens,
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Dan Dare silently hatches his brilliant escape plan.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Piercing the darkness,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52shattering the cosmopolis like a sonic laser beam,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54young Captain Cole beams though deep space
0:06:54 > 0:06:57to the far-flung reaches of the galaxy
0:06:57 > 0:06:59in search of new adventures.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Calm down, Lily. It's only a telegram!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Yeah, and we all know what telegrams mean.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25It's addressed to our Maurice.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27He doesn't know anyone who could die!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29It's actually from someone called "Death"!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32De'Ath. Wilfred De'Ath.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33I got his name from Practical Wireless
0:07:33 > 0:07:35and sent in one of my shows!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Sent in?- Sent in where?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41The B-B-bloody-C.
0:07:41 > 0:07:48Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, B-B-C!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53He says, "Tape good. Come to London for an interview"!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Maurice!
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Mate! That's amazing, son.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- I can't believe it!- Fantastic!
0:08:02 > 0:08:07MUSIC: "Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel
0:08:13 > 0:08:14The Land Of June Whitfield!
0:08:19 > 0:08:20This way, sir.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Remember, ladies and germs, three out of seven doctors recommend
0:08:23 > 0:08:25you flush out the ear wax
0:08:25 > 0:08:27with "The Maurice Cole Quarter Of An Hour" -
0:08:27 > 0:08:33a sight for sore ears, and nowhere near as pricey as Anadin!
0:08:33 > 0:08:39- And you really glued all this together in your bedroom?- Yeah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Something skew-whiff, old boy?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Your carpets actually stretch from one wall to the other.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Is that bad?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Back home, it's illegal!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You are a find. Snifter?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Rule One -
0:08:56 > 0:09:01everyone drinks G&Ts at the BBC. The seat of our vitality.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Ice and a slice?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I will say your name.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09A carefully selected gramophone record will begin to play.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12'Oh, I've brought my own records, actually - Lulu,'
0:09:12 > 0:09:13The Rolling Stones, and I think...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16A light of shimmering emerald will be your signal
0:09:16 > 0:09:20to read the script in front of you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Couldn't I not just make it up, you know, as I pootle along?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28We do not "pootle" on the Home Service.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Absolute still and quiet, please.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35We are rolling.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Maurice Cole audition.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Standing by...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and...
0:09:41 > 0:09:45HE CUES "The Happy Wanderer"
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Waving their hats to all they meet,
0:09:51 > 0:09:59the Ober...Ob...Obernkir...chen Children's Choir...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02with "The Happy Wanderer" -
0:10:02 > 0:10:05a peppy performance on the Parlophone label
0:10:05 > 0:10:08that hitchhiked its jolly way
0:10:08 > 0:10:13to the penultimate position in the Pop's Parade ten years ago.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15This is terrible.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Stop tape!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Young man, once your light goes green,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23you will proceed unless instructed otherwise.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's just that... "Pop's Parade".
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Who writes this rubbish?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I did.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42It's good. I like the...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Mam could find me a job in a sweet shop.
0:10:47 > 0:10:53Dad could always teach me how to drive his tug, I suppose.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Me dad drives a tugboat up and down the Mersey.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Of course, that's it?
0:11:02 > 0:11:03That's what?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06The way forward, Tugboat.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08FOG HORN BLOWS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10# It's smooth sailing
0:11:10 > 0:11:14# With the highly successful sound
0:11:14 > 0:11:19# Of wonderful Radio London
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"Dead Rat And Diesel" by Yardley. Top note of Seaweed.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Lovely shade of rust.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Well, it was a minesweeper, love, not the fucking Queen Mary.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Studio One.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41And before you ask, there is no Studio Two.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44It's so poky.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Just you and ten million listeners.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Is this legal?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Nothing is, twelve miles off-shore, according to the Postmaster General.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54But...I won't tell him if you won't.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01'Look - the transparent cooking wrap
0:12:01 > 0:12:05'that let's you see when the meat's been overcooked.'
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Ears burning?- Not any more.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Been chatting with the other jocks.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25And we all think you look like a Kenny.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Can't I look like a Maurice?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30If you want Wedgie-Benn to find you and have you boiled in oil.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I used to be lowly Anthony Withers.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Tony Windsor be my pirate name, now, Jim lad'.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Ooh!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40So, Kenny "what"?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And you have to make up your mind by Christmas Eve.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59"Drink-drive fatalities soar over the festive season"?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01HQ wants us to start with it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hello. It's the Kenny Everett Show.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06We here at Wonderful Radio London
0:13:06 > 0:13:09have a very serious Yuletide announcement to make.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17Tonight, before you drive home from that Christmas party,
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I want you to get drunk.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Yes, forget about all this "don't drink and drive" stuff.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I want you to get very, very drunk. So drunk, in fact,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30that you'll be completely incapable of even finding the keys to your car!
0:13:30 > 0:13:36# So Christmas time is here again The snow is deep outside
0:13:36 > 0:13:42# Enjoy your turkey scraps and pud But please don't drink and drive. #
0:13:42 > 0:13:44A star is born.
0:13:44 > 0:13:50On the one hand, Everett - shy and retiring, and on the other...
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Radio London's "Big Noise of '65"!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56All right, creeps?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Now that is not music to cuddly Ken's lugholes.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I mean, just as he's plain sailing, he launches his own torpedo.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09So, I did want to have a, erm, quiet word.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12How quiet?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16There's a new spot. Head Office want you to feature.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23You're our new star. This is a fifty grand contract.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24It's a perfect fit.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"The Worldwide Church Of God"?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I already gave.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Three years in a seminary, even more as a choirboy.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36We need their dosh to stay afloat.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40My listeners need Stevie Wonder, not VD or the Venerable Bede.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Just spin the tapes, go have a lie-down,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45pop back later.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Play the fucking "Ring Cycle" for all I care.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52'And now, "The Plain Truth About The World Tomorrow",
0:14:52 > 0:14:56'with me, your host, Garner Ted Armstrong.'
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Here she comes, not looking a day over 72
0:15:00 > 0:15:04in a fetching ivory gown and paste tiara.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07'Assassinations, war, nuclear annihilation.'
0:15:07 > 0:15:08CUES EXPLOSION
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Eh, turned out nice again, Vicar.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16'Something rumbles deep inside young sinners
0:15:16 > 0:15:19'and they grow desperate for relief.'
0:15:19 > 0:15:20He's not wrong.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Altogether now...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23CUES FALLING SCREAM AND PASSING WIND
0:15:23 > 0:15:26'There. You all feel better? Lord knows, I know I do.'
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I do, too!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30'Well, looks like this pirate's about to walk the plank...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- 'That's all, folks.'- Kenny!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# Woke up this mornin' feelin' fine
0:15:43 > 0:15:46# There's somethin' special on my mind
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# Last night I met a new boy
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# In the neighbourhood
0:15:54 > 0:15:58# Something tells me I'm in for something good
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# Something tells me I'm in for something good
0:16:01 > 0:16:04# He's the kinda guy he's not too shy
0:16:04 > 0:16:08# In fact, I'm sure he's my kinda guy
0:16:08 > 0:16:13# He danced very slow down to me like I hoped he would
0:16:15 > 0:16:21# Somethin' tells me I'm in for something good... #
0:16:25 > 0:16:29If I'm that bad, how come Decca signed me?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I don't see the point.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33What, in my singing?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37In anything. I'm an outcast.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39All right, well, in that case,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41could I cast you out into my garden, please?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Unto the wilderness, once again! - Yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46This rug cost me a mint, mate,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49and I don't want it ruined by some vomiting stick insect.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Bad vibes.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Bad acid.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Fine DJ!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01You scramble your brains -
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I'm going to scramble some eggs for me and Lulu.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14# It's all too beautiful... #
0:17:18 > 0:17:20MUSIC: "Colours" by Donovan
0:17:29 > 0:17:33# Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair
0:17:33 > 0:17:38# In the morning when we rise
0:17:38 > 0:17:42# In the morning when we rise
0:17:42 > 0:17:47# That's the time, that's the time
0:17:47 > 0:17:49# I love her best... #
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You and I need to talk.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Er, do we?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57The results came back from the clinic.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58We should both attend.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05He had to go. That cologne!
0:18:05 > 0:18:06You have absolutely no right.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08And the eyebrows...
0:18:08 > 0:18:13- Only after one thing.- Yeah. And I would've helped him find it!
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Great.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- So sorry.- You're so rude!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'm only really good in one-to-ones.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26OK!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Prove it.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41- Oh, er, um, sh...- So, do you just wreck everything that you come near?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43You ought to be arrested!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Copper pulls me over the other day and he says,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"Where were you between four and six?" And I said, "Primary School!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Unless there's a real Kenny Everett, you're wasting my time and yours.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Maurice James Christopher Cole.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06I'll swap you for the real Lady Lee Dexter.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Audrey Valentine Middleton.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- Valentine?- Born February 14th.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19December 25th. Middle initials JC.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Right, let's get you cleaned up.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Cupid's arrow hits.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31But my radar detects issues regarding...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36..intimacy.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38So, Alan the footballer
0:19:38 > 0:19:42went to Germany on his National Service, never to return.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44And Billy the pop star?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"Mr Fury" having a girlfriend?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Oh, simply not done, never mind marrying her!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Oh, if only our hearts had brains, eh?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Anyway...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04What about you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Haven't had time.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Too busy being unemployed?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14So, what are you going to do about it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17My love life?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Finding a new job.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Erm...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I guess I could try this new station over at the Beeb
0:20:25 > 0:20:27that everyone's talking about
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Oh, yeah, go for it!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Lennon reckons that's going to be the next big thing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Yeah? Well, George reckons
0:20:32 > 0:20:35they'll nick all their best ideas off the pirates.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Well, that's perfect for you.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Yes. No room on deck for a loose cannon, methinks.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Now that would depend on the size of his balls, wouldn't you say?
0:20:56 > 0:21:02Hello, I'm looking for a Mr Kenny Everett, two T's.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- ON SPEAKER SYSTEM: - 'Mr Kenny Everett
0:21:05 > 0:21:06'to main reception.'
0:21:08 > 0:21:12All this post has arrived for him but I can't find an extension.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Hush-hush. All tied up with this naughty new station of ours.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Radio 1. It's going to be huge.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I could take it down to him.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I mean, I'm sure I can track down "His Highness" somewhere.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- So long as it's no bother. - Oh, not at all.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- Studio's this way? - Along the corridor, down one level.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Why, thank you.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Charming man.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Yeah. Who is he?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40MUSIC: Donovan
0:21:44 > 0:21:47# Superman or Green Lantern ain't got
0:21:47 > 0:21:50# A nothin' on me... #
0:21:51 > 0:21:53JINGLE PLAYS
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# 247 on your radio
0:21:56 > 0:21:58# Music on your wireless
0:21:58 > 0:21:59# Wherever you go
0:21:59 > 0:22:01# Listen in the garden
0:22:01 > 0:22:03# Listen on the move
0:22:03 > 0:22:04# Lovely 247
0:22:04 > 0:22:08# Always keeps you in the groove. #
0:22:08 > 0:22:14Your unauthorised use of BBC facilities to make illegal jingles
0:22:14 > 0:22:16raises three very serious issues.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21One - I shall have to remind them
0:22:21 > 0:22:24that you left Radio London with an audience of fifteen million,
0:22:24 > 0:22:29two - suggest they broadcast these illegal jingles of yours
0:22:29 > 0:22:31to publicise our new station,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36and three - have Contracts draw up terms between us immediately.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Snifter?
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Amen Corner on 247, scrumptious Radio One!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45And that's going out to the luscious Lady Lee
0:22:45 > 0:22:46in freakishly fashionable Fulham.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51So, stick the kettle on, love,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55and I'll be round in twenty minutes! Byeeeee!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Kenny Everett,
0:22:58 > 0:23:02"Radio One's Golden Boy, has landed the plum Saturday morning spot
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"and The Beatles are leading the in-crowd
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"of pop people praising him."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Oooooh, impressive.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Impressive? You want "impressive"?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Always.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I'll show you impressive...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Open your hands and shut yer eyeballs!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28HE IMITATES FANFARE
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh, hello!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33A little thank you for sprouting up from the latrine of my life.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Let's take him on romantic weekends in Venice,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39shelter him from horrors and let him do whatever
0:23:39 > 0:23:41his flowery heart so desires.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Are we talking about Mr Sunflower, here, or Mr Everett?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Hello? What was that for?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55You're nice.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh, good.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00You like me too, yeah?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Yeah, of course I do.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I'm just...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I'm a bit confused.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Why?
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Fellas.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14You prefer fellas.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I'm not normal.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Well, then most of my friends are "not normal".
0:24:24 > 0:24:26You don't seem that bothered.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I'm not.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Men aren't built for men.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- It's a mortal sin.- Is it?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35In the eyes of the universe.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Well, then we must construct our own universe.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42We have to, us aliens, or face being wiped out. Come on.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48MUSIC: "Afterglow Of Your Love" by the Small Faces
0:24:48 > 0:24:54# Love is all around me everywhere
0:24:54 > 0:24:59# Love has come to touch my soul
0:24:59 > 0:25:04# With someone who really cares
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# No-one can deny us
0:25:10 > 0:25:12# People who once passed me by
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# Will turn their heads round
0:25:15 > 0:25:20# I'm happy just to be with you
0:25:20 > 0:25:24# And loving you the way I do... #
0:25:24 > 0:25:26MUSIC: "Albatross" by Fleetwood Mac
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- So, that's that, then.- What?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Marriage?!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You horse, me carriage.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44If that's a joke, it isn't very funny.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I've never been more serious in my life.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Come on, let's rivet ourselves together against the normals,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53conquering everything the fickle finger of fate pokes our way.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Oh, Ev. Where would we even start?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Piddly stuff. Knitting.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01There are slightly bigger issues here
0:26:01 > 0:26:05than perfecting your Inverness Diamond.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You've inhabited me.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Beside me, there's this pulsating lump like a polar bear
0:26:11 > 0:26:14trying to chomp its way out.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Before you, I wouldn't have let anyone get even close.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22I never saw myself as anything more significant than a pea,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26trying to take up as little space as possible,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I loofah'd away another layer of skin
0:26:29 > 0:26:32or clipped my fingernails really close,
0:26:32 > 0:26:33plucked another eyebrow.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Then there'd be even less of me to give away.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41But now I want to be more for you,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- I want to give you more. - But marriage!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's such a massive step.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48So, let's be massive.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51You know, swinging nuptials, the grooviest love nest.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53A line of baby Everetts.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Ev... - Don't stop me. I'm on a roll.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57No, come on, now.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Is marrying a woman what you really want?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04You worried that I might not be man enough for you?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I'm worried I might not be "woman enough" for you, actually.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I lost a baby a couple of years ago.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I can't have any "baby Everetts".
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Another thing to add to the list of my failures.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Well, that's that, then.- What?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32You'll just have to have me, instead.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40I do solemnly declare that I know of no lawful impediment why I...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45There's speed in the punch.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Oh, for... Do you mind, folks?
0:27:48 > 0:27:52I'm trying to turn this bloke into an upright citizen!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Carry on, dear.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I know of no lawful impediment why I, Kenny Everett...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I do!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03It's not legal! My son's name is Maurice Cole!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I changed it by deed poll!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I can't believe you didn't tell her.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20CHEERING
0:28:26 > 0:28:28MOANING
0:28:36 > 0:28:38What, am I not doing it right?
0:28:38 > 0:28:39No.
0:28:39 > 0:28:44Am I being too fumbly? Not handling things correctly?
0:28:44 > 0:28:50No! Yeah, you are. It's just the stubble.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53I can shave, if you want.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57I don't want.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- You like it?- Yeah. I love it.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05HE ROARS
0:29:06 > 0:29:10"He that hath a beard is more than youth,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"but he that hath no beard is less than a man."
0:29:13 > 0:29:15That's William Shakespeare, that is.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20One fact remains - Everett's razor, much like his beard,
0:29:20 > 0:29:22shall never leave its mug again.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Right. I was going to spin you Zager and Evans, then.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31In fact, here it is...
0:29:31 > 0:29:35However, due to some crummy arrangement
0:29:35 > 0:29:38with our crusty old pals at the Musicians' Union,
0:29:38 > 0:29:41apparently a third of my show
0:29:41 > 0:29:44must consist of songs recorded specifically for it.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48So, unless I want to spend the night in Wormwood Scrubs,
0:29:48 > 0:29:54here is In The Year 2525 played by...
0:29:54 > 0:29:57The Northern Dance Orchestra.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Oh, God! They sound abysmal.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Worse - they sound like the Northern Dance Orchestra!
0:30:02 > 0:30:07CUES string arrangement for "In The Year 2525."
0:30:10 > 0:30:15I'm sorry, I can't do it. You're just too valuable, kind listeners.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Just don't tell anyone, OK?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23CUES Original version of "In The Year 2525" by Zager And Evans
0:30:23 > 0:30:27# In the year 2525... #
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Imaginative, daring, inventive.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35And yet, unremittingly disrespectful towards authority.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Nice one, Ken. I like it.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Ooh! A written warning.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44I'll frame it and stick it in my smallest room.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Maurice... Ken, if you don't start toeing the line,
0:30:48 > 0:30:51they'll be forced to pre-record your shows.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53- They wouldn't dare. - It's a point of contract.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54Expurgation!
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Editorial guidelines.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59You should know them!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01- "Shit"?- Er...fifteenth.
0:31:01 > 0:31:06Correct. "Cocksucker"?
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Top ten, I'd say. Eighth?
0:31:10 > 0:31:14Ninth. 22% consider it "very severe".
0:31:14 > 0:31:16I thought you never used any of these words!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18And I never would.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Wow! Have you seen what's last?
0:31:21 > 0:31:22"God".
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Yeah.
0:31:24 > 0:31:2740% think he's a profanity.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29"Off-colour material must be avoided
0:31:29 > 0:31:32"and humorous items always presented
0:31:32 > 0:31:34"in the best possible taste."
0:31:34 > 0:31:38Gosh! They're like some old maiden aunt, waiting to rap your knuckles.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Well, if you will goad Auntie.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42She started it!
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Bollocks.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Quite.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51'And, finally, Mrs Mary Peyton, wife of the Transport Minister,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53'has passed her advanced driving test first time.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55'She'd been driving for more than 30 years
0:31:55 > 0:31:57'but said she was spurred on to take the test
0:31:57 > 0:31:59'following her husband's appointment.'
0:31:59 > 0:32:02She only passed cos she crammed a fiver in the examiner's hand.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06I know these people.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10# Lovely 247 always keeps you in the groove. #
0:32:10 > 0:32:15Right, here's a tune especially for you, Mrs P!
0:32:15 > 0:32:17CUES "Gimme Dat Ding" by the Pipkins
0:32:17 > 0:32:19# That's right, I'm sad and blue
0:32:19 > 0:32:20# Cos I can't do the Boogaloo
0:32:20 > 0:32:23# I'm lost, I'm lost Can't do my thing... #
0:32:23 > 0:32:27How does it feel to get sacked for offending the Transport Minister?
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Oh, you know! You can't imagine!
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Have you spoken to Tony Blackburn?
0:32:31 > 0:32:33I never speak to Tony Blackburn!
0:32:33 > 0:32:35THEY LAUGH
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I think you like getting the sack, don't you?
0:32:38 > 0:32:41I mean, you knew what was going to happen, didn't you?
0:32:42 > 0:32:46Most of us would kill for the chance like what you've been given.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Let's have some bubbles!
0:32:51 > 0:32:54You can't run away from yourself, though, eh, Maurice?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59I just can't help myself.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Yeah, why do you think that is?
0:33:04 > 0:33:09Once, when I was a kid on the dunes,
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I spent hours building this sandcastle -
0:33:14 > 0:33:19turrets and a moat, lolly-stick flagpoles.
0:33:19 > 0:33:26And then as soon as me Aunt Sadie came over oohing and aahing over it,
0:33:26 > 0:33:32I felt this delicious, overpowering urge just rip through me.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36And I kicked it down!
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Control?
0:33:39 > 0:33:44If I can't be allowed to do what I want - nay - what I NEED to do -
0:33:44 > 0:33:46then I'm off!
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Good! Can we come too?
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Welcome to Wales.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06I fetched up the rest of the stuff on the tractor.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Stick it in the barn thingy.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Oh, no, there's a bloody great Hereford in there.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Climb a ladder, can he?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15What he's trying to say is, would you put it in the hayloft,
0:34:15 > 0:34:17please, Iolo.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18Anything for you, darling.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21It's for me, actually.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24What's in it all, anyway? Weighs a bloody ton.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26You haven't seen the half of it yet.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Chuck another dog on, love, I'm freezing.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50Insanity rules at Croydon's premier carpet superstore!
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Yes, folks, a wacky 20% week.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54COW MOOS
0:34:54 > 0:34:56HE SIGHS
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Next time you listen to the wireless,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00you'll appreciate how much work goes into it.
0:35:00 > 0:35:05That ain't the radio, though, is it? Being played in a shop...
0:35:05 > 0:35:08A superstore, branches all throughout the Southeast.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Can't you get on the telly?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13It's a miracle I can get on anywhere.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16Since getting the push, you mean?
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Well, you sure say it like it is, don't ya?
0:35:18 > 0:35:21No bullshit, that's your lot!
0:35:21 > 0:35:25I would have kept my head down. Played the game.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Yes, I've never been very good at being pushed around.
0:35:28 > 0:35:33Every time it happens, I just push back harder.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36And now,
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I'd better get back to pushing axminsters.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48Yes, folks, a wacky 20% off wool-blend weaves plus loony...
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Fuuuuuuck!
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Time to start cleaning up our act, eh, Boozie?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50What do you and Iolo chat about?
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Mucking out, mainly.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Whilst dancing the Nutcracker?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59I gave him my last tab.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Oh, Ev.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04He was curious.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08He wouldn't be curious about anything else, would he?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Wales' straightest man?!
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Coming here had to be better than sitting about stoned
0:37:22 > 0:37:24or waiting for the phone to ring, didn't it?
0:37:27 > 0:37:32But, you know, if it's not enough,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35if there are things you want outside that window,
0:37:35 > 0:37:41even if you think they are going to pull you away from me, you just say.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Yeah?
0:37:45 > 0:37:49I'm Sheffield Steel, remember?
0:38:01 > 0:38:02And before you can say
0:38:02 > 0:38:06"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndro bwllllantysiliogogogoch",
0:38:06 > 0:38:08two years in the love factory
0:38:08 > 0:38:10on Planet Cow-dung have simply whizzed by!
0:38:21 > 0:38:25Ev! Ev! What are you doing?
0:38:27 > 0:38:29You running away again?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Running towards.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34I've had an epiphany.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36And a phone call from London.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Oh, no...
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Some bloke called Attleborough. Dead posh, he was.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44We don't belong here anymore.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45"We"?
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Me! You're right, OK? I've grown too comfortable.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51I can't give my best, unless I'm going out live.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54I miss the edge, the buzz of knowing that I am talking to someone
0:38:54 > 0:38:56right on the other side of that microphone.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59Someone sharing that moment with me.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03And what about me? And this place?
0:39:03 > 0:39:06I'll buy you another.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Well, I like it here.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11I love it here. The peace...
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Is that what your manual teaches you, is it?
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Bringing up 18 horses and turning your back on civilisation?
0:39:17 > 0:39:19It is twaddle.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Off we go, then.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25- You reckon? - Show me one thing it's good for.
0:39:28 > 0:39:29All right.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I can't do this without you.
0:39:42 > 0:39:47I was worried our scouts might not be able to track you down,
0:39:47 > 0:39:48Kenny, darling.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Oh, sorry, Dickie, darling, but I had make sure
0:39:51 > 0:39:53"The Ministry of Saying No" couldn't catch up with me.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57"Yes" tends to work better at Capital Radio,
0:39:57 > 0:40:03my darling - to the original, to sticking our necks on the blocks.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08Its Chairman beseeches you - Kenny, darling,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12come and join us, talk to the city,
0:40:12 > 0:40:13play the best records.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16- As well as the worst?- Why not?
0:40:16 > 0:40:21Cook us up some jingles, write your own scripts,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24or - better still - don't write any!
0:40:24 > 0:40:27And you'd trust me to go out live?
0:40:27 > 0:40:30No censorship, my darling.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32No "pinstripe princes".
0:40:32 > 0:40:33No bleepy-poos?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- Not a single- BLEEP- ...ing one!
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Could I say "bum"?
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Imagine it in stereo.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41# Bum, bum, bum, bum. #
0:40:41 > 0:40:45You could even have the company gaff in St John's Wood.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Lee'd like that.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Well, it all sounds too divine.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52What would I have to rebel against?
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Advancing mediocrity.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59And you wouldn't give me the elbow?
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Even if I was a little bit naughty?
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Sadly not, no.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09Dickie, darling, I've never been so insulted in my life!
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Good.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Start on Monday?
0:41:15 > 0:41:17ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF
0:41:20 > 0:41:23MUSIC: "Virginia Plain" by Roxy Music
0:41:23 > 0:41:24# ..and make it straight
0:41:24 > 0:41:26# All signed and sealed
0:41:26 > 0:41:27# I'll take it
0:41:27 > 0:41:30# To Robert E Lee.. #
0:41:30 > 0:41:32# Capital's the place to be
0:41:32 > 0:41:35# The only radio station for me
0:41:35 > 0:41:38# So twiddle your dial
0:41:38 > 0:41:39# And come and join us now. #
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I'd give my right arm to be able to harmonise like you.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Many a mis-spent moon warbling,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48# Panis Angelicus. #
0:41:48 > 0:41:52You know, I've never met a choirboy that can rewire a mixing-desk.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54A legacy of one's fiddling years.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58I don't really do anything now that I didn't do in my bedroom back home.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00I'm just a kid that got old.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01I can vouch for that.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03Someone promised me lunch.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07I'm on a double vodka.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09I'm on a double yellow.
0:42:11 > 0:42:15See you in the morning, Kenny.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Bright-tailed and bushy-eyed.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23MUSIC: "20th Century Boy" by T Rex
0:42:23 > 0:42:25# Friends say it's fine
0:42:25 > 0:42:27# Friends say it's good
0:42:27 > 0:42:29# Everybody says
0:42:29 > 0:42:30# It's just like rock'n'roll... #
0:42:34 > 0:42:39'And now, it's the nutty man the BBC tried to gag.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44'It's the Kenny Everett show.'
0:42:44 > 0:42:49Hello, you, this is me, and here's them, the nyungy 10cc.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53Using you like spring lambs towards your grilled kippers.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55CUES "I'm not in love" by 10cc
0:42:55 > 0:42:58# I'm not in love
0:42:58 > 0:43:00# So don't forget it
0:43:02 > 0:43:07# It's just a silly phase I'm going through
0:43:09 > 0:43:12# And just because
0:43:12 > 0:43:15# I call you up
0:43:15 > 0:43:18# Don't get me wrong
0:43:18 > 0:43:21# Don't think you've got it made
0:43:23 > 0:43:28# I'm not in love, no-no
0:43:28 > 0:43:36# It's because
0:43:38 > 0:43:41# I like to see you
0:43:41 > 0:43:43# But then again
0:43:44 > 0:43:49# That doesn't mean you mean that much to me... #
0:43:50 > 0:43:53We're more like sisters, now, than husband and wife.
0:43:55 > 0:43:58You're a chick and so am I.
0:43:59 > 0:44:04# Don't tell your friends about the two of us
0:44:07 > 0:44:10# I'm not in love, no-no
0:44:12 > 0:44:16# It's because... #
0:44:16 > 0:44:23I love you, but I fancy Burt Reynolds.
0:44:42 > 0:44:46New breakfast jingle recording, take one.
0:44:58 > 0:45:02# Oh, Lord on high please hear my prayer
0:45:02 > 0:45:06# Watch over me whilst I'm on air
0:45:06 > 0:45:09# Protecteth me from daft mistakes
0:45:09 > 0:45:12# And keep me schtum in advert breaks. #
0:45:14 > 0:45:16Ev.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19Join the party, come in, come in, come in...
0:45:21 > 0:45:25I am the man.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29Do you ever sleep?
0:45:29 > 0:45:31No, no. Busy, busy.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35Pluggers to bribe, jingles to crochet.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37The show is in six hours!
0:45:37 > 0:45:41Which is why those lovely angels send down
0:45:41 > 0:45:44"Sleepy-Bye-Bye Pills".
0:45:44 > 0:45:46Will your wife not be worried?
0:45:46 > 0:45:49No, she's all tucked up, early start in the morning.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51She going away?
0:45:51 > 0:45:53Chercher-ing "le country pile".
0:45:53 > 0:45:57I get the "big smoke",
0:45:57 > 0:46:03she gets to disappear up the A40 in search of goats and milk churns.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07When is she back?
0:46:15 > 0:46:19Course, this is what cuddly Ken wanted to happen but instead...
0:46:19 > 0:46:22he now comes up with a whopping great porky pie.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25At which we should have a butcher's.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30..goats and milk churns.
0:46:32 > 0:46:40You know, when we first met, she surrounded me until I caved in.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45She's always trying to change me.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49Sticking me up some Welsh mountain.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53Forced me to churn out garbage, when I should have been here,
0:46:53 > 0:46:55back in the saddle and now as soon as I am...
0:46:55 > 0:47:00whoosh, she abandons me.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Leaves me all alone,
0:47:02 > 0:47:07she disappears off in search of all this mumbo-jumbo.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11The only thing I care about
0:47:11 > 0:47:15is keeping you and I as far away from her as possible.
0:47:15 > 0:47:21Ev...Ev...what are you doing?
0:47:21 > 0:47:23Can't you see?
0:47:23 > 0:47:27The signals.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29It's you I love now.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35What the fuck are you doing? What do you take me for?
0:47:53 > 0:47:57You seem to have forgotten it was you who came after me!
0:47:57 > 0:48:00And I don't need to be a medium to know that "mumbo-jumbo"
0:48:00 > 0:48:03is going to be part of my life a lot longer than you will!
0:48:03 > 0:48:06- Lee, I'm...- Do you know what it feels like being betrayed?
0:48:06 > 0:48:10And I mean by someone who you thought really loved you.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15You swung an axe into me, Ev.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24Right.
0:48:24 > 0:48:28Well, I've gone along with this pantomime as long as I can.
0:48:30 > 0:48:34But I won't be cast as the Wicked Witch.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37Lee...
0:48:37 > 0:48:39Lee!
0:48:48 > 0:48:53MUSIC: "Speak to me" and "Breath" by Pink Floyd
0:49:08 > 0:49:12I always knew you'd end up in a place like this.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14Is it all right if I smoke in here?
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Oh, God, you're such a downer!
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Where's that doctor? he was cute.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23I just want to be happy and jolly.
0:49:23 > 0:49:27And you will be, once you stop chasing after straight men.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30Take me with you to the Cotswolds.
0:49:32 > 0:49:33No.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36No, you'll be bored within five minutes.
0:49:36 > 0:49:37Please!
0:49:42 > 0:49:45HITS TUNING FORK
0:49:48 > 0:49:50Sh! Sh!
0:49:50 > 0:49:52HE SNORES
0:49:52 > 0:49:55- Ev!- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
0:49:59 > 0:50:03Sorry. This music's just making me want to wee!
0:50:03 > 0:50:07I'm having a whale of a time.
0:50:07 > 0:50:08Oh, don't, you'll get me blubbering.
0:50:08 > 0:50:09SHE LAUGHS
0:50:09 > 0:50:13Oh, no, shh, I like this bit. It's my favourite bit.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16Oooooh!
0:50:16 > 0:50:19Concentrate, concentrate!
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Everything all right?
0:50:40 > 0:50:43Yeah. Do you like your room?
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Yeah, it's nice.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47Are you sure you don't mind the single bed?
0:50:47 > 0:50:49No.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Cos it's all right, you know,
0:50:51 > 0:50:56if you ever feel the need... to come in here with me.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Just let me get better.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04Yeah. Here you are.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09Night.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11Night.
0:51:15 > 0:51:16I grabbed my putrid stench ray.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19The stench was putrid but Ray didn't mind.
0:51:19 > 0:51:23He grabbed his. It was a stand-off.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26- Kill! Kill!- You having fun?
0:51:30 > 0:51:34My new space-serial, "Captain Kremmen of the Star Corps"!
0:51:34 > 0:51:38An intergalactic superhero - tall, rugged, good with weaponry...
0:51:38 > 0:51:42Everything I wished I could have been for you, basically.
0:51:42 > 0:51:45Erm, that's my hairdryer.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49Your Putron Stench Ray, actually.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51Oh. And that's not our whisk, then?
0:51:51 > 0:51:55Brain marmaliser. Works a treat on aliens.
0:51:55 > 0:51:59You've got a funny way of convalescing, Ev.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01I'm fine if I'm working.
0:52:01 > 0:52:02The doctor said that you need
0:52:02 > 0:52:06to try and find happiness elsewhere, though, didn't he?
0:52:06 > 0:52:10I am happy. With you, I can take on the world.
0:52:13 > 0:52:17I'd better get on with saving the universe.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22Thanks for the tea.
0:52:24 > 0:52:26Still behaving yourself?
0:52:26 > 0:52:28- Ssh. Don't tell anyone. - Sleeping better?
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Look, no pills!
0:52:30 > 0:52:33Flushed down the khazi with all the rest of the sewage.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36We're all so happy to have you back, Ken.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Thanks for keeping my chair warm for me.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Now, listen to me, darling.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45London, and Lee,
0:52:45 > 0:52:47needs Kenny at his cuddly best!
0:52:47 > 0:52:50No more overdoing things,
0:52:50 > 0:52:54and lots of early nights, all right?
0:52:56 > 0:52:57Lee! Lee!
0:52:57 > 0:53:00Ah, you're awake...
0:53:00 > 0:53:04Yeah, why wouldn't I be at three in the morning?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07- Where have you been? - Witnessing history.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09You'll be history if you don't unplug!
0:53:09 > 0:53:11You know me and running around.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14You're supposed to be finding inner peace, Ev.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17You're going to flip when you hear what I've found.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19A pressie from the band, on pain of death
0:53:19 > 0:53:21I wouldn't play it on air.
0:53:21 > 0:53:24Five minutes, 56 seconds?
0:53:24 > 0:53:28- Fred asked me if I thought it was too long.- Who's Fred?
0:53:28 > 0:53:30The lead singer.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33Told him it could be half an hour long.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35It's going to be number one for yonkerettes.
0:53:35 > 0:53:37MUSIC: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
0:53:37 > 0:53:38# And leave me to die
0:53:38 > 0:53:42# Oh, baby
0:53:42 > 0:53:45# Can't do this to me, baby
0:53:45 > 0:53:47# Just got to get out
0:53:47 > 0:53:50# Just got to get right out of here... #
0:53:50 > 0:53:52That's the 14th time I've played this
0:53:52 > 0:53:55and the phone is still trilling off the hook, you insatiable fiends!
0:53:55 > 0:53:59What do you say we kidnap Lord EMI and scrungle his sticky-outy bits
0:53:59 > 0:54:03until he agrees to release Bohemian Rhapsody as a single.
0:54:03 > 0:54:07You, me, Queen know it makes sense!
0:54:07 > 0:54:12# Ooh, ooh
0:54:12 > 0:54:16# Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah
0:54:24 > 0:54:28# Nothing really matters
0:54:28 > 0:54:31# Anyone can see
0:54:31 > 0:54:35# Nothing really matters
0:54:35 > 0:54:42# Nothing really matters to me... #
0:54:54 > 0:54:58Hello and welcome to tonight's Kenny Everett...
0:54:58 > 0:55:00Sorry, Kenny, not quite there.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02What wasn't?
0:55:02 > 0:55:05- You wandered out of shot again. - I didn't, did I?
0:55:05 > 0:55:07Come back, Hughie Green, all is forgiven.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10Pick it up, Kenny.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13WHISPERS: Hello.
0:55:15 > 0:55:19Hello, and welcome to tonight's Kenny Everett Video Show,
0:55:19 > 0:55:21starring Kenny Everett as himself!
0:55:21 > 0:55:22Tonight, we will be...
0:55:22 > 0:55:25Hold it! Ken, you're not quite hitting your mark.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27My what?
0:55:27 > 0:55:29If you come too far forward, you'll go soft.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32I bet you say that to all the boys!
0:55:32 > 0:55:36OK, we're still rolling. And in your own time...
0:55:45 > 0:55:50Look, the powers-that-be did give me a script. In fact, here it is.
0:55:50 > 0:55:54But I'm rubbish at learning lines, so...
0:55:56 > 0:55:57You're not meant to see this bit,
0:55:57 > 0:56:01but I'm supposed to stand here like a little garden gnome.
0:56:01 > 0:56:06Yes, folks - the actual gaffer tape used by Benny Hill just last week!
0:56:06 > 0:56:11These are the production values, the levels of professionalism
0:56:11 > 0:56:13and creative thinking behind the shambles replacing
0:56:13 > 0:56:16Opportunity Knocks every Monday night!
0:56:16 > 0:56:17I can only apologise
0:56:17 > 0:56:21to Mrs Mary Hinge from Sutton Coldfield,
0:56:21 > 0:56:26and here to assuage your disenchantment, dear lady,
0:56:26 > 0:56:27may I present to you...
0:56:27 > 0:56:32the Boomtown Rats!
0:56:33 > 0:56:36I thought we were supposed to be recording a music show?
0:56:36 > 0:56:39That was brilliant. Right! Moving on, everyone...
0:56:39 > 0:56:43A most unlikely TV star is created.
0:56:43 > 0:56:48Everett's televisual potpourri goes on to triumph in 20 countries.
0:56:48 > 0:56:52And attracting millions more adoring aficionados.
0:56:52 > 0:56:55Monday nights will never be the same again.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58I bet you don't eve know what "medium" means.
0:56:58 > 0:57:00Somewhere between "small" and "large"?
0:57:00 > 0:57:03Wrong. It means "antenna".
0:57:03 > 0:57:07Who'd have thunked it? The two of us in broadcasting!
0:57:07 > 0:57:10You're not too far wide of the mark, there, actually.
0:57:10 > 0:57:13Except you transmit and I am a receiver.
0:57:13 > 0:57:17Picking up signals from the spirit!
0:57:17 > 0:57:20Very good. You are learning.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23Yep, they've told me it's going to take a couple of years
0:57:23 > 0:57:27but I'm determined to develop this gift that they've told me I've got,
0:57:27 > 0:57:30and then share it with anyone who needs it.
0:57:30 > 0:57:34- Like a professional? - Like a natural.
0:57:34 > 0:57:38- I'm so proud of you. - Now he tells me!
0:57:38 > 0:57:41So, what about you? Come on, Mr Big TV Star.
0:57:41 > 0:57:43Ridiculous, given these legs!
0:57:43 > 0:57:46- Oh, give over.- I don't like looking at myself in a mirror.
0:57:46 > 0:57:49It's a miracle the viewers don't feel the same.
0:57:51 > 0:57:53Erm, she's the Virgin Mary.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56And he's the one with the face for radio.
0:57:57 > 0:57:59Thank you.
0:58:03 > 0:58:05To you!
0:58:07 > 0:58:09No, to you.
0:58:09 > 0:58:14Hello, you friends of Dorothy out there.
0:58:14 > 0:58:17Sidney Aloysius Snot, 'ere.
0:58:17 > 0:58:19Introducing to you a very special day
0:58:19 > 0:58:23in the social calendar of this great nation of ours.
0:58:23 > 0:58:29As you know, upcoming is the British Eurovision Violence Contest
0:58:29 > 0:58:33and 'ere, Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to introduce to you
0:58:33 > 0:58:36the British contender in said contest,
0:58:36 > 0:58:39Freddie - Good start - Mercury!
0:58:39 > 0:58:42Ladies and Gentlemen.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44Do your stuff, Fred!
0:58:48 > 0:58:51The Kenny Everett Video Show!
0:58:51 > 0:58:53From now on, Treasure,
0:58:53 > 0:58:56you'll require endless primping.
0:58:56 > 0:58:59The finest nosh and plonk... Thank you.
0:58:59 > 0:59:02..shits and giggles, frequent nibbling,
0:59:02 > 0:59:03constant draining,
0:59:03 > 0:59:05and it still won't be enough.
0:59:05 > 0:59:08If only our acolytes shared our pain.
0:59:11 > 0:59:13Ev? Would you like us to leave?
0:59:13 > 0:59:14Me and Freddie.
0:59:14 > 0:59:18So you and your friend can be on your own?
0:59:21 > 0:59:22He was just being attentive.
0:59:22 > 0:59:24You don't say!
0:59:25 > 0:59:28- Bloody good service, I thought. - Please! I'm gagging on my risotto.
0:59:28 > 0:59:32Courage, mon brave. At least this one's a poof.
0:59:32 > 0:59:35One small step for Everett...
0:59:35 > 0:59:39And how would Lady Lee feel about a giant leap?
0:59:41 > 0:59:44If you love someone, set them free.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
0:59:47 > 0:59:51I gave Mary a copy when we started dating.
0:59:51 > 0:59:54You've never told me how...Mary...
0:59:54 > 0:59:56How? She cottoned on?
0:59:56 > 0:59:59Well, we'd been together for six years.
0:59:59 > 1:00:02I told her that I thought I might have been bisexual.
1:00:02 > 1:00:05But she assured me I was gay.
1:00:09 > 1:00:12Lee won't stop loving you, Kenny.
1:00:12 > 1:00:15Excuse me, waiter? Sorry!
1:00:15 > 1:00:16Sorry.
1:00:16 > 1:00:19My husband has a question for you.
1:00:22 > 1:00:24Could I see the dessert trolley?
1:00:24 > 1:00:26Could he buy you a drink?
1:00:26 > 1:00:29We're all going dancing.
1:00:29 > 1:00:30Bring your sequined slippers.
1:00:30 > 1:00:33Sure, why not?
1:00:33 > 1:00:35That'd be nice.
1:00:37 > 1:00:40Congratulations, Kenny.
1:00:40 > 1:00:42Your wife just pulled your first boyfriend.
1:00:42 > 1:00:44MUSIC: "Good Times" by Chic.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47# These are the good times
1:00:49 > 1:00:52# Leave your cares behind
1:00:54 > 1:00:56# These are the good times
1:00:59 > 1:01:01# Good times
1:01:02 > 1:01:05# These are the good times
1:01:06 > 1:01:09# Our new state of mind
1:01:10 > 1:01:14# These are the good times... #
1:01:17 > 1:01:18GLASS SMASHES
1:01:18 > 1:01:20All right, all right!
1:01:20 > 1:01:24I met him at a party. And we've had a few drinks since.
1:01:24 > 1:01:25- How many drinks?- Just one or two.
1:01:25 > 1:01:28He's going through a very, very painful divorce.
1:01:28 > 1:01:29That old conker!
1:01:29 > 1:01:31Well, at least he's honest.
1:01:32 > 1:01:36An actor?! Not even that - an extra from Z-Cars!
1:01:36 > 1:01:40It's The Sweeney, actually. And John is a main character!
1:01:40 > 1:01:41"John is a main..."
1:01:41 > 1:01:44You just hate the fact that I feel other people's pain
1:01:44 > 1:01:46and I want to help them find a way out from it.
1:01:46 > 1:01:49- Not the point. - Well, then, what is the point?
1:01:49 > 1:01:50He's a bloke!
1:01:54 > 1:01:55Isn't yours?
1:01:58 > 1:01:59It's not the same.
1:02:04 > 1:02:07So, you can meet new men,
1:02:07 > 1:02:09but I can't?
1:02:09 > 1:02:11Is that what you're saying to me?
1:02:20 > 1:02:23You know what? You can clean up your own mess.
1:02:35 > 1:02:39So, what can I get you?
1:02:40 > 1:02:41Ooh!
1:02:43 > 1:02:47CLICKS TONGUE
1:02:50 > 1:02:53Ah! Dom Perignon.
1:02:53 > 1:02:54Ev!
1:02:54 > 1:02:56No, he's right.
1:02:56 > 1:03:00This is a cause for celebration.
1:03:00 > 1:03:02Me rescuing you from him.
1:03:02 > 1:03:04Worth a bottle of DP in anyone's book,
1:03:04 > 1:03:06don't you reckon? Be right back.
1:03:06 > 1:03:09Dying to experience the priceless Everett wit
1:03:09 > 1:03:10I've heard so much about.
1:03:10 > 1:03:12Have an olive.
1:03:19 > 1:03:21Well, I was going to ask him his prospects.
1:03:23 > 1:03:25Trying not to punch you in the nose!
1:03:29 > 1:03:32Well, I'm sure I can help him with that.
1:03:38 > 1:03:41- Five minutes, Kenny.- Thanks.
1:03:41 > 1:03:44Ecoutez et repetez -
1:03:44 > 1:03:48Lee and Kenny are over.
1:03:48 > 1:03:51Lee and Kenny are over.
1:03:51 > 1:03:54And Kenny must move on.
1:03:57 > 1:03:58Even though she found me my new flat?
1:03:58 > 1:04:00And I still pay her to cook my dinners?
1:04:00 > 1:04:02She grants me unlimited access to her Indesit Automatic!
1:04:02 > 1:04:04And helps me fend off the press...
1:04:04 > 1:04:06Sh!
1:04:06 > 1:04:09She and John reckon I'll only find a true happiness
1:04:09 > 1:04:12until I've spilt the beans.
1:04:12 > 1:04:15Those of us in regal circles prefer "coming out", my dear.
1:04:15 > 1:04:17Oh! The very thought!
1:04:17 > 1:04:19OK.
1:04:19 > 1:04:21Start with your family.
1:04:23 > 1:04:26Like I said - stop hiding.
1:04:26 > 1:04:28Ooh!
1:04:28 > 1:04:30You bloody poof!
1:04:30 > 1:04:32How many?
1:04:33 > 1:04:3515 million, at the last count.
1:04:35 > 1:04:39Imagine that, Tom. 15 million people watching our Maurice.
1:04:40 > 1:04:43And we got a complaint from Mary Whitehouse.
1:04:43 > 1:04:44How fantastic is that?
1:04:48 > 1:04:50Things couldn't be going any better.
1:04:55 > 1:04:58So, how did you two become friends?
1:05:01 > 1:05:04Lee introduced us.
1:05:04 > 1:05:07- Where is Lee? - Isn't she joining us?
1:05:08 > 1:05:10How should I know?
1:05:10 > 1:05:13She's your wife.
1:05:16 > 1:05:19Not any more.
1:05:27 > 1:05:29A married man?
1:05:29 > 1:05:31My nan will be gutted.
1:05:32 > 1:05:36And him sharing his birthday with the baby Jesus!
1:05:36 > 1:05:38If it makes him happy, why not?
1:05:41 > 1:05:44Meals on heels!
1:05:44 > 1:05:50Right. Chilli con carne, Lobster bisque, Lancashire hotpot...
1:05:50 > 1:05:51Big night ahead?
1:05:51 > 1:05:53Catching "Deer Hunter".
1:05:53 > 1:05:55Yeah, and then din-dins at Peppermint Park.
1:05:55 > 1:06:00- How much?- Ten quid, plus an extra fiver for the lobster.
1:06:00 > 1:06:01I meant for the Yeti.
1:06:01 > 1:06:03None of your bloody business.
1:06:03 > 1:06:06Twelve hundred?
1:06:06 > 1:06:07Sixteen.
1:06:07 > 1:06:09And her - the animal-lover!
1:06:10 > 1:06:12Don't get sanctimonious on me!
1:06:12 > 1:06:14Sixteen hundred would vanish up your nose in a week!
1:06:14 > 1:06:18This'll still be keeping me warm in thirty years.
1:06:18 > 1:06:21Well, I hope you'll both be very happy together.
1:06:21 > 1:06:24You cannot bear the idea of me making it on my own, can you?
1:06:24 > 1:06:29That my little world can revolve without you at its centre.
1:06:29 > 1:06:32Well, it did, it can, and it bloody well does!
1:06:36 > 1:06:37Ev?
1:06:41 > 1:06:43What is up with you, Ev?
1:06:45 > 1:06:47Philip and I don't laugh like you and I used to.
1:06:47 > 1:06:49Oh, for crying out loud.
1:06:49 > 1:06:51I feel straighter now than I was before!
1:06:51 > 1:06:52You're doing it again -
1:06:52 > 1:06:55you're kyboshing things once they start going well for you.
1:06:55 > 1:06:59I just feels like I've gained a nice, sensible boyfriend
1:06:59 > 1:07:01and I've lost...
1:07:01 > 1:07:03A what? Mother?
1:07:03 > 1:07:06Sister? Psychiatric nurse? Addiction counsellor?
1:07:06 > 1:07:10- Press officer? Nod when you think I've hit the nail on the head.- You.
1:07:13 > 1:07:19There are so many wonderful things happening for me - John,
1:07:19 > 1:07:21my counselling work and...
1:07:21 > 1:07:23I want to share all that with you, but I...
1:07:25 > 1:07:27..I can't be a life-line to you any more.
1:07:29 > 1:07:30If we're going to remain friends,
1:07:30 > 1:07:34I think we need to cut it - officially.
1:07:35 > 1:07:38We're soul mates.
1:07:39 > 1:07:42Just got our sexes wrong, eh?
1:07:58 > 1:08:00So, I told my boyfriend last night
1:08:00 > 1:08:03that I could count the number of guys I'd dated on one hand.
1:08:03 > 1:08:07And he says, "Cupid, put down that calculator!"
1:08:08 > 1:08:11I tell him he's got to be more communicative.
1:08:11 > 1:08:13He points to his crotch replying,
1:08:13 > 1:08:15"Honey, I do all my talkin' with this".
1:08:15 > 1:08:18Well, I take one look and I tell him,
1:08:18 > 1:08:21"You really don't have much to say, do you, Cowboy?"
1:08:21 > 1:08:24What the hey! Men are like sticks of gum.
1:08:24 > 1:08:26Spit one out, and start chewing on another.
1:08:26 > 1:08:28Not that I'm a floosie, or nothing.
1:08:28 > 1:08:31I'm Cupid Stunt, major Hollywood B-movie starlet
1:08:31 > 1:08:34doing everything she can to get given her head.
1:08:34 > 1:08:36And I'm telling you, Michael,
1:08:36 > 1:08:39everything I do is always done in the best possible taste!
1:08:42 > 1:08:47So, have we thought any more about our little chat?
1:08:47 > 1:08:50The right moment never seems to come.
1:08:50 > 1:08:52Trust me, it will.
1:08:52 > 1:08:54When?
1:08:54 > 1:08:58Well, once you find the appropriate platform.
1:08:58 > 1:09:00Yours?
1:09:00 > 1:09:04The NME. Told them I was "as gay as a daffodil".
1:09:04 > 1:09:08A month later, Queen had their first top-ten hit.
1:09:08 > 1:09:13Actually, there might be something coming up.
1:09:13 > 1:09:16Michael Winner's asked me to play Wembley.
1:09:20 > 1:09:24ON PA: "Rule Brittania"
1:09:24 > 1:09:28Ken, Ken, Ken. Look, there's nothing to worry about.
1:09:28 > 1:09:30I'm having second thoughts.
1:09:30 > 1:09:34Have you seen that podium? Monkhouse, Tarby, Ted Rogers...
1:09:34 > 1:09:36Talk about raising your game!
1:09:36 > 1:09:38I think I'm gong to raise my lunch!
1:09:38 > 1:09:40We're all delighted you've agreed to help us out.
1:09:40 > 1:09:44It's a shrewd career move.
1:09:44 > 1:09:47As I tell every great star I direct -
1:09:47 > 1:09:52"We've got a script. Let's stick to it!"
1:09:52 > 1:09:54Sing out, Louise!
1:10:01 > 1:10:04Just rattle through your night and try not to bump into Norman Tebbit.
1:10:09 > 1:10:10Good afternoon.
1:10:10 > 1:10:13It's a great pleasure, Ladies and Gentlemen,
1:10:13 > 1:10:17to present one of this country's great political thinkers,
1:10:17 > 1:10:19Mr Kenny Everett!
1:10:19 > 1:10:24APPLAUSE
1:10:31 > 1:10:33I'm not sure I am a Conservative.
1:10:33 > 1:10:35THEY BOO
1:10:35 > 1:10:39Sure, I was browned off with Labour when they scuppered the pirate ships,
1:10:39 > 1:10:42detest Arthur Scargill and love having coppers in my piggy bank,
1:10:42 > 1:10:48but if it's all right with you, I think I'll keep my options open.
1:10:48 > 1:10:55However, there is one thing that I am absolutely certain of,
1:10:55 > 1:10:58and I would love to share that with you today...
1:10:58 > 1:11:00I...
1:11:00 > 1:11:02am...
1:11:02 > 1:11:04GAY!
1:11:04 > 1:11:08Ah, don't you just love the smell of a fertile imagination?
1:11:08 > 1:11:12Two words, darling, Kenny - "If" and "only".
1:11:15 > 1:11:18Let's Bomb Russia!
1:11:18 > 1:11:20THEY CHEER
1:11:20 > 1:11:22Let's kick Michael Foot's stick away!
1:11:22 > 1:11:24LOUDER CHEER
1:11:26 > 1:11:29You know, I was chatting to Maggie the other day.
1:11:29 > 1:11:32We were having one of our little teas, and I said to her, I said,
1:11:32 > 1:11:35"Maggie, you're rolling that joint all wrong!"
1:11:35 > 1:11:40I so wanted to use their "Nuremburg Rally" to come out.
1:11:40 > 1:11:42You did. As a Tory.
1:11:42 > 1:11:47It was a showbiz favour, not a Party Political Broadcast!
1:11:47 > 1:11:49'Can I come over?'
1:11:50 > 1:11:53Well, erm...
1:11:53 > 1:11:56actually, John and I have got plans.
1:11:56 > 1:11:57Quiet night in?
1:11:57 > 1:12:01If you must know, it's supper with Elton and Renata.
1:12:01 > 1:12:03Love's young dream?
1:12:03 > 1:12:05Come on, snap yourself out of it!
1:12:07 > 1:12:10Your right!
1:12:10 > 1:12:14It's time Cuddly Ken pulled himself up by the bootstraps -
1:12:14 > 1:12:16whatever they may be.
1:12:16 > 1:12:20- It's time he took action! - And what might that be?
1:12:20 > 1:12:24To begin with, more gin!
1:12:24 > 1:12:26- Lagoons of it!- Then what?
1:12:26 > 1:12:29To be continued...
1:12:29 > 1:12:31Those Hacienda heart-throbs, New Order there,
1:12:31 > 1:12:36rounding us up like an old sheepdog and pointing us in the direction
1:12:36 > 1:12:40of Cuddly Ken's thought-ette of the day.
1:12:40 > 1:12:43When England was a kingdom we had a king,
1:12:43 > 1:12:47when we were an empire we had an emperor.
1:12:47 > 1:12:52Now we're a country we have... Margaret Thatcher!
1:12:55 > 1:12:58# Relax, don't do it
1:12:58 > 1:13:00# When you want to, go do it
1:13:00 > 1:13:02# Relax, don't do it
1:13:02 > 1:13:04# When you want to come
1:13:04 > 1:13:06# Relax, don't do it
1:13:06 > 1:13:08# When you want to suck, do it
1:13:08 > 1:13:12# Relax, don't do it
1:13:12 > 1:13:13# When you want to come
1:13:16 > 1:13:18# When you want to come
1:13:21 > 1:13:23# Relax, don't do it... #
1:13:27 > 1:13:29Come on, then, a toast.
1:13:29 > 1:13:31Bottoms up...
1:13:31 > 1:13:34FALSETTO: Tingle, tingle, tingle.
1:13:35 > 1:13:37I'm so happy for you both.
1:13:37 > 1:13:39Cheers.
1:13:39 > 1:13:41And you will come, won't you?
1:13:41 > 1:13:44If I can find a hat big enough.
1:13:44 > 1:13:47So, when is the "royal wedding"?
1:13:49 > 1:13:50Valentine's Day.
1:13:50 > 1:13:53We wanted you to be the first to know.
1:13:53 > 1:13:56We also thought the timing might help things.
1:13:56 > 1:13:57"Things"?
1:13:57 > 1:14:00Come on, now, Ev. When me and John get wed,
1:14:00 > 1:14:03the press are going to make your life a misery.
1:14:03 > 1:14:06- So, what else is new? - Hit them with a pre-emptive strike.
1:14:06 > 1:14:08Yeah. How do you think your fans would feel if one of your mates
1:14:08 > 1:14:12shopped you first and made himself a fortune in the bargain?
1:14:12 > 1:14:15- They wouldn't. - How can you be so sure?
1:14:15 > 1:14:18Because they're all my lovely friends!
1:14:18 > 1:14:21Kenny, querido, everyone is asking for you. "Hi."
1:14:21 > 1:14:22Hi.
1:14:22 > 1:14:25They're playing our song, OK? Come dance.
1:14:26 > 1:14:29Pepe. A friend of Nikolai's.
1:14:29 > 1:14:33Oh, yeah, your Soviet soldier.
1:14:33 > 1:14:36You're getting a new husband. Why can't I?
1:14:36 > 1:14:39You can! That's what I want that for you, you know it is.
1:14:39 > 1:14:42We just think there are better places to find one
1:14:42 > 1:14:43than in a dark room.
1:14:48 > 1:14:51Well, the mirror ball is calling, I better go and strut my stuff.
1:14:51 > 1:14:54It's a dangerous game, Ev.
1:14:54 > 1:14:57What? Dancing?
1:14:57 > 1:14:59Russian Roulette.
1:15:02 > 1:15:04Thanks for the bubbles, John!
1:15:04 > 1:15:06MUSIC: "Freedom" (Acoustic Cover version) by Wham
1:15:14 > 1:15:19# Every day I hear a different story
1:15:20 > 1:15:25# People saying that you're no good for me
1:15:25 > 1:15:29# Saw your lover with another
1:15:29 > 1:15:33# And she's making a fool of you
1:15:36 > 1:15:41# If you loved me, baby you'd deny it
1:15:41 > 1:15:46# But you just laugh and tell me I should try it
1:15:46 > 1:15:50# Tell me I'm a baby
1:15:50 > 1:15:54# And I don't understand
1:15:56 > 1:16:02# But you know that I'll forgive you
1:16:02 > 1:16:06# Just once, or twice, for ever
1:16:08 > 1:16:12# Cos, you could take me to hell and back
1:16:12 > 1:16:17# Just as long as we're together
1:16:17 > 1:16:20# And you do
1:16:24 > 1:16:29# I don't want your freedom
1:16:29 > 1:16:34# I don't want to play around
1:16:34 > 1:16:40# I don't want nobodies, baby
1:16:40 > 1:16:45# Part-time love just brings me down
1:16:45 > 1:16:51# I don't want your freedom
1:16:53 > 1:16:57# Girl, all I want right now is you
1:17:17 > 1:17:23# I'm like a prisoner who's got his own key
1:17:23 > 1:17:28# But I can't escape until you love me
1:17:28 > 1:17:31# I just go from day to day
1:17:31 > 1:17:34# Knowing all about the other boys
1:17:38 > 1:17:43# You take my hand and tell me I'm a fool
1:17:43 > 1:17:47# To give you all that I do
1:17:48 > 1:17:56# I bet you, some day, baby, someone says the same to you
1:17:58 > 1:18:04# But you know that I'll forgive you
1:18:04 > 1:18:08# Just once, or twice, for ever... #
1:18:08 > 1:18:11All right, you lot, I've asked you here in order to quash any rumours,
1:18:11 > 1:18:14and there's nowt wrong with a good quashing.
1:18:14 > 1:18:15So who's first?
1:18:15 > 1:18:17Are you and your ex-wife still friends since your divorce?
1:18:17 > 1:18:19Absolutely, yes.
1:18:19 > 1:18:20Did you not consider it strange
1:18:20 > 1:18:23- being the Best Man to your ex-wife's new husband?- Nope. Next.
1:18:23 > 1:18:25Are you a homosexual?
1:18:27 > 1:18:29The word is you're sharing your flat with a man.
1:18:32 > 1:18:35How absolutely dare you!
1:18:35 > 1:18:37I'm sharing my flat with two men!
1:18:37 > 1:18:40And here they are...
1:18:40 > 1:18:43Say "pree-vyet" to Nikolai...
1:18:43 > 1:18:45Kenny's own little stab at glasnost!
1:18:45 > 1:18:47And "hola" to Pepe...
1:18:47 > 1:18:49Spain's greatest undiscovered sculptor!
1:18:49 > 1:18:51Aren't they dreamy? And they're all mine!
1:18:51 > 1:18:54Take Cuddly Ken's word for it, darlings,
1:18:54 > 1:18:56two husbands are so much better than one!
1:18:59 > 1:19:01All right, that's all, folks!
1:19:01 > 1:19:03Oh, Kenny! Kenny, come on!
1:19:03 > 1:19:04Just a few more questions.
1:19:04 > 1:19:07Kenny, just a few more minutes.
1:19:08 > 1:19:10HE SIGHS
1:19:15 > 1:19:17Para nuestro soldado valiente.
1:19:19 > 1:19:21You are the hero now.
1:19:24 > 1:19:27MUSIC: "How soon is now" by The Smiths
1:19:56 > 1:20:00It ain't beyond the realms of possibility that my mate,
1:20:00 > 1:20:03Kelly Enema, and not those tag nuts having a pop at him,
1:20:03 > 1:20:06might be the one who has the last laugh.
1:20:06 > 1:20:09I bleeding well hope so.
1:20:09 > 1:20:11Was that an insane thing to do?
1:20:11 > 1:20:13You? Insane?
1:20:13 > 1:20:14I did it, Lee.
1:20:16 > 1:20:18I actually did it!
1:20:18 > 1:20:23And so spectacularly. You came out of that closet on a trapeze!
1:20:23 > 1:20:25And are you glad?
1:20:25 > 1:20:31I'm everything. I'm...confused, relieved, blissful, terrified...
1:20:31 > 1:20:33And now I've realised there's more to life
1:20:33 > 1:20:37than shocking the Great British public or dropping
1:20:37 > 1:20:38a needle on Madonna.
1:20:38 > 1:20:40YES!
1:20:40 > 1:20:42And don't say, "I told you so".
1:20:42 > 1:20:44As if I would say that...
1:20:44 > 1:20:46Now listen to me.
1:20:46 > 1:20:49It's going be touch and go with the press for the next couple of days.
1:20:49 > 1:20:51You'd better get your arse down here.
1:20:51 > 1:20:53- To hide?- Don't be a nelly!
1:20:53 > 1:20:57We're throwing you a coming out party!
1:20:59 > 1:21:01Conquering his own irrational fears,
1:21:01 > 1:21:04Cuddly Ken proves himself even cuddlier
1:21:04 > 1:21:08in the hearts and minds of 20 million viewers.
1:21:08 > 1:21:11And yet, what of his art, one might ask?..
1:21:11 > 1:21:13Fuck art, let's dance!
1:21:13 > 1:21:15MUSIC: "You Spin Me Round" by Dead Or Alive
1:21:15 > 1:21:18# ..right round Like a record, baby,
1:21:18 > 1:21:19# Right round, round, round
1:21:19 > 1:21:23# You spin me right round, baby, right round
1:21:23 > 1:21:24# Like a record, baby,
1:21:24 > 1:21:26# Right round, round, round... #
1:21:26 > 1:21:28APPLAUSE
1:21:54 > 1:21:55Best bash of my life.
1:21:55 > 1:21:59Should be, took 40 years to organise.
1:21:59 > 1:22:01I owe you one.
1:22:01 > 1:22:02One?!
1:22:14 > 1:22:20This erm...this arrangement with Nikolai and Pepe.
1:22:20 > 1:22:22No, should I be worried?
1:22:22 > 1:22:24About what?
1:22:24 > 1:22:26No-one wants to stop you having fun
1:22:26 > 1:22:29but I really need to know that you're looking after yourself.
1:22:29 > 1:22:33You've cleared yourself a way to be happy for the rest of your life.
1:22:33 > 1:22:35If only I looked that far ahead.
1:22:35 > 1:22:38No-one's Peter Pan, Ev. Not even you.
1:22:47 > 1:22:50The tongues will start wagging if we don't get back inside.
1:22:53 > 1:22:57Looks like your old tulip tree.
1:22:57 > 1:22:59Yeah, cos it is.
1:23:00 > 1:23:04The one that got us into all this trouble?
1:23:04 > 1:23:07Every time I move, I take a cutting and re-grow it.
1:23:10 > 1:23:12Eternal life.
1:23:14 > 1:23:16Hope so.
1:23:25 > 1:23:28MUSIC: "Sleepy Lagoon" by Eric Coates
1:23:28 > 1:23:32'If I ever do die,
1:23:32 > 1:23:36'I think that as I'm hoiked aloft
1:23:36 > 1:23:40'in a ray of God's lovely sunbeam.
1:23:40 > 1:23:43'I think I'd like this to be on the gramophone as I go.'
1:23:43 > 1:23:48MUSIC: "Preludio Sinfornico" by Puccini
1:23:48 > 1:23:50'It's just beautiful.
1:23:50 > 1:23:56'It's a beauty. It's just liquid loveliness.
1:23:56 > 1:23:59'Puccini is God.
1:23:59 > 1:24:02'God with knobs on.'
1:25:52 > 1:25:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd