0:00:49 > 0:00:51Sorry to keep you waiting. Balloon's gone up.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Total chaos.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Deadlines brought forward, printers on the warpath -
0:00:55 > 0:00:57all kinds of merry hell.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59But that's Fleet Street for you.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I wouldn't know about Fleet Street but I'm familiar with merry hell.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Oh, of course. Of course. The, uh, war.
0:01:06 > 0:01:13Now, you have impressive references here from Mr Gilbert Frankau
0:01:13 > 0:01:15and Mr RC Sherriff.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Yes, I knew them back then when we were all working on Tenth Avenue.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Tenth Avenue? In New York?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24No, No. In Flanders.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25It was a trench.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Oh, yes, the war. Very good. I couldn't go of course.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Eyesight.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I'm sorry. You missed quite a show.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Really? Yes, it must have been hell.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37From what I've read.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39We had some bad times.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42But we had some good times too.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I'm sure. So perhaps you could tell me about yourself, Mr...?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Roberts, Fred Roberts.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You do have my curriculum vitae?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yes.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59But I'd like to hear about you in your own words.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Frederick Roberts.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Formerly of the North Midlands Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire Regiment,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08otherwise known as the Sherwood Foresters.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10A mining engineer by profession -
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I worked in the Kimberley diamond mines in South Africa
0:02:14 > 0:02:18until friend Fritz kicked off the firework party.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I see. So you have mining qualifications?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Jolly useful in a pioneer battalion
0:02:23 > 0:02:25charged with trench repair and maintenance...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Though less useful in a newspaper office.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I don't know - digging up all that muck.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Yes, Mr Roberts.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39My problem is that what we need here is men with relevant experience.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41So tell me. Do you have any relevant experience?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04BOMBS EXPLODE
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Come on. Come on, lads. Quickly
0:03:12 > 0:03:14BOMB EXPLODES
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Move it, move it, move it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22BOMB EXPLODES
0:03:22 > 0:03:23All right?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Come on!- Come on!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33BOMB EXPLODES Come on, lads.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Everyone all right? Good lads.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41BOMBS EXPLODE
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Oh, to be in Flanders now that winter's here.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47It's April.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Is it? I find it frightfully difficult to tell.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Usual drill, Sergeant.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Oi! Smith, Dodd, Henderson, Barnes. You heard the officer.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Search the place for anything we can use.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Preferably of the metal or timber variety.- All right, sir.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08And be sharp about it, lads.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Fritz's love tokens seem to be arriving with greater frequency.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14BOMBS EXPLODE
0:04:14 > 0:04:154.2s, sir.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18That's a relief. Thought for a minute they were 5.9s.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21BOMB EXPLODES CLOSE BY
0:04:21 > 0:04:23No. Those are 5.9s, sir.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31What the hell are you doing, Dodd?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Die Boche vermin!
0:04:34 > 0:04:35You're wasting your time.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Put your bayonet away before you hurt someone.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39But it's a rat, sir.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yes, I'm familiar with the species, Dodd.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44We've encountered one or two since we've been in Ypres.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Ypres, sir?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's what the Belgians call Wipers.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh right, sir. Funny lot, the Belgians.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It's like the Napoo Rum they got over here, sir.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Never seem to get any.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Napoo it's from the French, Dodd.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Il n'y en a plus". There is no more.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Well, why don't they just say that then, sir?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Nothing here, Captain.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Napoo salvage, sir.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Very good, Dodd. We'll make a sapper of you yet.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Quickly. Quick. Come on, lads.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18BOMB FALLING
0:05:20 > 0:05:23BOMBS EXPLODE
0:05:24 > 0:05:26BOMB EXPLODES OUTSIDE
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Find me something, lads.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Look what we have here, sir! Boxes of paper.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Excellent. Exactly what we're looking for to reinforce trench 132.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Really, sir?- Er no, Dodd.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I'm afraid you'll find when you've been out here for a while that
0:05:45 > 0:05:48paper doesn't offer much protection against crumps and whizz-bangs.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Unless you're a red hat in HQ with a cushy job, then the paper
0:05:50 > 0:05:53stops you getting anywhere near the shooting gallery at all.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Your cynicism could become wearying, Lieutenant Pearson
0:05:57 > 0:05:59except fortunately I find it quite amusing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Some tarpaulin here, sir.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Well, that might be useful.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Blimey.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Now what the bloody hell is that?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14That, Smith, is an Arab.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I'm not stupid, Sar'nt.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The Arab is an Anglo-American hand-fed platen press.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's probably the finest in the world.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25It's a manual, pedal-operated printing machine
0:06:25 > 0:06:28patented in 1872 by Josiah Wade.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Manufactured in Halifax,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32subsequently sold all over the world.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34In short, it's a work of art.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36So, shall we smash it up?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38No. Stupid, Dodd.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Look, it's even got the blocks and the trays of type.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Go on, stick that over there, Smith.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47How on earth do you know all this, Harris?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I was a printer in civvy street, sir.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Good grief. You kept quiet about that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Well, it didn't seem relevant to fighting Fritz, sir.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59No. But it might be now.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Can you make this work?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Well, I mean, she's not been used for a while.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09The type's all over the countryside.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11There's a few unwelcome visitors.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But give it a bit of time, reckon so, sir. Yes, sir.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18How's it work then, Sar'nt?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Well, you stick the ink on that plate there.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And the rollers come down onto the block there.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Paper goes in there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Don't touch it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Very interesting.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What are we going to do with it?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34We're going to borrow it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Isn't that looting?
0:07:35 > 0:07:40No, no. It's temporary requisitioning of civilian
0:07:40 > 0:07:43facilities for military purposes.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Oh, right. Sounds like looting.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Have you ever done any journalism, Pearson?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Good God, no!- Excellent.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Me neither.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Because what we're going to do, is we're going to produce a newspaper.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Aren't we, Sergeant?- If you say so, sir.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58What, like the Daily Mail?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I was thinking something rather more accurate.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03The Times?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06The Wipers Times.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09BOMB EXPLODES
0:08:12 > 0:08:14BOMB EXPLODES
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Move it, lads! Move it!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30BOMB EXPLODES
0:08:30 > 0:08:32We've got plenty of ink, plenty of paper.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34In fact, according to Harris,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37the only thing we seem to be lacking is "copy".
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Uh-huh. None of us is writing men.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41We haven't done any journalism.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44There's a first time for everything. It can't be that hard.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I think we should aim to produce something a bit like Punch,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- except with jokes.- Mm-hm.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52So what are we actually going to write about?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54EXPLOSION
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Damn you, Fritz. I can't hear myself think.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Put on The Bing Boys would you, Jack?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06So will The Wipers Times address the big questions of the war?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Certainly.- And how will we do that?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I suggest we do so just by writing down any old thing that
0:09:13 > 0:09:14comes into our heads.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Trial page proof, sir.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Looks pretty good, I must say myself.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Who do I show it to, sir? Who's the editor?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, as senior officer, I am, of course, the editor.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I will need a sub-editor. Any volunteers? Jack?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- Ugh.- Bad grammar is simply something I will not put up with.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Up with which you simply will not put.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37All right, Jack, the job's yours.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Only drawback, sir, is that we're short of Ys and Es.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Well, it's just as well we're not based anywhere called Ypres then.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Ah.- Now, sir, what about some copy?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Dammit, Harris, haven't you heard of writer's block?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Only every day, sir, come deadline time for the newspaper.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Very well, Harris. But you are very annoying.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Very good, sir.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You know he's right, Fred.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Et tu, Pearson?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I'm going to hold this pencil...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11and see what happens.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Something's bound to turn up.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16You are an incorrigible optimist.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Optimism.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Well, there's a dangerous thing...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25particularly in a war.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Do you suffer from optimism?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Men! Do you suffer from optimism,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33but fail to recognise the tell-tale signs?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Many do.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Is it serious, Doctor?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I just need you to answer a few simple questions.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Do you sometimes wake up in the morning feeling that all is
0:10:42 > 0:10:43going well for the Allies?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Yes, Doctor.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Do you sometimes think that the war will be over,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49within the next 12 months?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Absolutely, Doctor.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Do you consider that our leaders are competent to conduct the war
0:10:54 > 0:10:55to a successful issue?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I should say so, Doctor.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Oh, dear. This is the worst case of cheerfulness I've encountered.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Oh, Good.- No. It's terrible.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05But don't worry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I promise I can cure you of optimism within two days
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and effectively eradicate all traces of it from your system.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Really, Doctor? And how are you going to do that?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I'm writing something for you now, which should do the trick.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Is it a prescription, Doctor?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23No. It's your orders. I'm sending you to the front line.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Thank you, Doctor. BOMB FALLING
0:11:26 > 0:11:28BOMB EXPLODES
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Not sure about this piece about optimism.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Are you questioning the judgment of a superior officer?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38- Er, yes.- Good.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41So as a superior officer, of course, I shall ignore you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Seriously, do you not think it's gone a little bit too far?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47How can you accuse me of going too far - when the entire
0:11:47 > 0:11:5024th Division has gone precisely ten yards in the last six months?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- And that was sideways.- I'm just saying we have to be careful.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Yes, I guess you are right. We must be responsible.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00As will be made clear in my editorial.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02You haven't written an editorial.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- How's your shorthand?- Non-existent.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Good. Take this down.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Mm-hm?- Editorial.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Hmm, excellent.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22Having managed to pick up a printing press, slightly soiled,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25at a very reasonable price,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28we have decided to produce a paper.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30There is much we would like to say in it,
0:12:30 > 0:12:35but the shadows of censorship enveloping us,
0:12:35 > 0:12:41cause us to refer to the war that we hear is taking place in Europe...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Careful. - ..in a cautious manner.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49We apologise for any shortcomings in production of our paper...
0:12:51 > 0:12:52..on account of...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Editorial inexperience?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Quite so.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00We hope to publish The Times weekly,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04despite the attentions of Messrs Hun and co.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Our local rivals.- Excellent!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10And we take this opportunity of stating that we accept
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- no responsibility for the views expressed.- We?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Yes. And we disassociate ourselves from any
0:13:16 > 0:13:18statements in the advertisements.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Well, that bit's true. There are no advertisements.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21No? Why Not?
0:13:21 > 0:13:26There's a problem with potential advertisers such as theatres,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28restaurants, hotels, small businesses et cetera...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Well, what's the problem?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32There aren't any. They've all been blown to buggery.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Is that anywhere near Poperinghe?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38No, it's not. And you didn't hear that, Sergeant, did you?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40No, sir, but it was most amusing.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Harris, you're our expert.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45We can't be a proper newspaper without advertisements, can we?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No, sir, that's what the front page is for.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49So what do we do?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Taxi! Taxi! I say, Taxi!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26'Are you having trouble getting home?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30'Not any more, with our fleet of handsomely-appointed taxicabs.'
0:14:30 > 0:14:33But how will I recognise your taxis?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36'Easy, they have a red cross painted on each side.'
0:14:46 > 0:14:48'Is your friend a soldier?
0:14:48 > 0:14:54'Do you know what he wants? No? We do.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56'Send him one of our latest improved combination umbrella
0:14:56 > 0:14:58'and wire cutter.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'No more nasty colds caught when cutting the wire.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05'He will be absolutely delighted with the combination umbrella
0:15:05 > 0:15:06'and wire cutter.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08'Just 15 francs.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09'Quite right, Miss.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13'Now you can rest assured your soldier friend will stay fit
0:15:13 > 0:15:15'and healthy out in no man's land.'
0:15:22 > 0:15:25'Calling all harassed subalterns.'
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Who? Me?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30'Yes, you. Is your life miserable?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- 'Do you hate your company commander?' - Uh.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34'Of course you do.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38'Then why not buy him one of our patent "tip me up" duckboards?'
0:15:40 > 0:15:42But how does the "tip me up" duckboard work?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45'You just get your company commander on the end...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47'and the duckboard does the rest.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'Every time a blighty!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56'That's our promise. Remember...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58'if once he steps onto the end,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01'to take a month his face to mend.'
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Thank you, "tip me up" duckboard.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08BOMB EXPLODES
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Excellent work, Sergeant. When can we roll the pressers?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Soon as it eases off a bit, sir.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Surely you're not bothered by a spot of rain?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17No. It's more the bombardment, sir.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Fritz is getting a bit too close to the print room to be pleasant.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Well, when Herman knocks off for his evening sausage let's print
0:16:23 > 0:16:25the blighter.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27BOMB EXPLODES
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Everything all right? I'm fine, Sar'nt.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Not you, the print blocks. Get in there.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Don't get your hand caught in the plate, Dodd.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Or you'll come a cropper.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51A phrase, incidentally,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54derived from the printing presses of HS Cropper.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Do you know that? - That's very interesting, Sar'nt.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58As is the phrase "mind your Ps and Qs".
0:16:59 > 0:17:03It comes from a common mistaking of the P for the Q in a tray of type.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05That's even more interesting, Sar'nt.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Whereas, the expression "get the wrong end of the stick",
0:17:08 > 0:17:11that comes from grabbing the wrong end of the compositing stick
0:17:11 > 0:17:12and getting your hand covered in ink.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- It means thinking you're being interesting when really...- Yes, Henderson?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Very, very interesting indeed, Sar'nt.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Correct.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Right, here we go. Grab it, Smith.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28There it is, Sar'nt.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Now, the result, if I say it myself, is a thing of beauty.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Unlike any of you lot.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51MEN CHUCKLE
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Oi, Bill, this Wipers Times does what it says!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Have you seen this poppycock, sir?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Yes, I have.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's downright insubordination.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39That's maybe why the men seem to like it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43The men also like the ladies of the Poperinghe Fancies.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Neither are exactly conducive to winning the war.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Really? Have you seen the ladies of the Poperinghe Fancies?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Of course not!
0:18:50 > 0:18:51I think they're doing their bit.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Jolly, buxom girls.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55They can't sing, they can't dance, but...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58no-one seems to care, particularly.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I believe the chaps call them glycerine and Vaseline.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- No idea why.- We're getting off the point here, sir.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Which is surely that some of the material in this publication
0:19:08 > 0:19:11is not merely unsuitable, it's downright treasonable.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Like what, in particular?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Like this.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh. Answers to correspondence.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Whoever wrote this should be court-martialed.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Like this item advising young officers not to wear turned-up
0:19:25 > 0:19:28slacks or shoes when going over the top?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- What?- Lovely, sound advice.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33A chap wearing turned-up slacks on the battlefield not only
0:19:33 > 0:19:35looks a bloody fool,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39but he advertises the fact he's an officer to any half-awake sniper.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42No, no, no. That is not the offending article.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I'm referring to this response
0:19:44 > 0:19:47to a supposed query from a junior officer.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48"Dear Subaltern.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49"No.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"The death penalty is not enforced
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"in the case of murdering a senior officer,
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"as you will always be able to claim extenuating circumstances."
0:19:58 > 0:19:59HE LAUGHS
0:20:01 > 0:20:03That's a joke.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It's an incitement to mutiny, I'll have him shot.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Not if he shoots you first.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12That's also a joke.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14The war is not funny, sir.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I think the authors are aware of that.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I have a feeling that may be the point.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I mean...
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It's not all cocking a snook at the general staff, although...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29..quite a bit of it is.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I mean, some bits are deadly serious - words from the heart.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Such as?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"People we take our hats off to - The French at Verdun,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"the British Navy at Jutland,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40"and the Canadians at Ypres."
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Saluting our fallen comrades is hardly sedition, is it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47They also take their hats off to the officer in charge
0:20:47 > 0:20:51of the costume department of the Poperinghe Fancies.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53They are just a gang of backchat comedians deliberately
0:20:53 > 0:20:57undermining morale with this impertinent, unpatriotic rag.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Could you think of anything more likely to produce discontent amongst the men?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Yes. Banning it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Put your back into it, Henderson. - Sir.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Sergeant, we're running out of timber.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31BOMB EXPLODES
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Go see if you can borrow something from the communications line.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Henderson. Barnes. You work on the parapets.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Yes, sir.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Keep down, Barnesy, unless you want sniper taking your head off.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Smith. Dodd. Start on the supports.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Do I have to work with Dodd, sir?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Yes, you do. Poor Dodd drew the short straw.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Now get on with it, Smith.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56What's the plan?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57What I think we should do, Jack...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59BOMB EXPLODES
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Up the cover price, get in some new writers and cut down on the poetry.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- You don't think you might be getting rather obsessed with the paper? - Don't be ridiculous.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I'm a model commanding officer executing my duties
0:22:09 > 0:22:10in exemplary fashion.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12BOMB EXPLODES
0:22:14 > 0:22:16What do you think of the poetry?
0:22:16 > 0:22:21I think poetry's essential in the modern battlefield. A bit like mud.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23If only it were just mud.
0:22:23 > 0:22:29Yes. Perhaps, better not dwell on the...unmentionables.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Better left unsaid.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36That's why I'd rather think about the paper.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It's important to me because it's not important.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh, dear. You're getting aphoristic.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Am I? Apologies.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46So what are we thinking?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I think we should crack out another couple of issues.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52And if it keeps going this well, try and sell it back home.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53You're getting obsessed.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55MEN SING
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Listen. Listen, Fritz is in fine voice.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07What are they singing, sir? Sounds like an hymn, sir.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08It is.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's called the Hymn Of Hate.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It goes something like this...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You we will hate with a lasting hate.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20We will never forego our hate.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Hate by water and hate by land.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Hate of the head and hate of the hand.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Hate of the hammer, hate of the crown.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Hate of 70 millions choking down.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42We love as one. We hate as one.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46We have one foe and one alone.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48# Eng-er-land. #
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- MEN SING:- Eng-er-land.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52That's not very nice is it, sir?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Spot-on, Dodd.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55We don't have any songs like that, do we, sir?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58No, we don't and if we did they'd certainly be a lot funnier.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00The Wipers Times should put that right, sir.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Good idea, Dodd.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Since Dodd has joined the editorial conference,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I propose we take his excellent suggestion on board
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and include something suitably melodious in the issue.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12What do you have in mind?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15We all love the music hall, sir!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20MEN CHEER
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Ladies and gentlemen!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Welcome to the Cloth Hall at Ypres.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Best ventilated hall in the town.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Tonight, for your delectation,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40we proudly present positively the greatest
0:24:40 > 0:24:45collection of performers ever collected in one place at one time.
0:24:45 > 0:24:51Yes, it's Mr Thomas Atkins And Co in their stupendous new revue,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53The Big Bangs Are Here.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- MEN:- Oooh!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58With music by Mr R Tillery.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03And not to mention Mrs Miniworther,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05who always meets with a thunderous reception.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11And not forgetting Bouncing Bertha, who's only 17 inches high...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15..but is guaranteed to bring the house down.
0:25:16 > 0:25:22And, there's more, with Hind and Berg, sword swallowers...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24and nail eaters.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25MEN BOO
0:25:25 > 0:25:30And introducing the world's favourite comedian, Kaiser Bill...
0:25:31 > 0:25:34..and his little Willie. MEN LAUGH
0:25:34 > 0:25:36That's the crown prince I'm talking about.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Thank you. But I promised you a song and a song you shall have.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45A pleasing patriotic performance from our very own privates -
0:25:45 > 0:25:49The Atkins brothers - Thomas and Tommy.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56# I heard the bugles calling
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# Join up, I felt I must
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# Now I wish I'd left them bugles go on blowing till they bust. #
0:26:04 > 0:26:05MEN CHEER
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Yes, this show is going to run, and run and run and run...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Dodd, did you go swimming?- Give its a rest, Smithy I was switching patrols.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19As you were, Smith.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26MUSIC HALL STYLE-MUSIC
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Great news, Fred, apparently the war will be over within the week.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Says who?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Says Hilaire Belloc.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Didn't he say the war was going to be over within the week last week?
0:26:40 > 0:26:41I rather think he did.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And the week before.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Now you're just jealous cos we don't have a war expert of our own.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Somebody who really knows what's going on.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Yes, you're right. Perhaps we should employ our own Hilary Belloc.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59What about Belary Helloc? I hear he's very well informed.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Really?
0:27:01 > 0:27:06So what is Mr Helloc's latest take on the war?
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Good evening.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I'm the famous Belary Helloc and tonight my subject is
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"why we are going to win the war."
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Everything points to a speedy disintegration of the enemy.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18So let's just have a look at the figures.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23There are 12 million fighting men in Germany.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Of these, nine million are already killed,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29or are being killed as we speak.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Leaving just three million.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Of these 2,500,000 are temperamentally
0:27:35 > 0:27:39unsuitable for fighting owing to obesity, due to eating sausages.
0:27:39 > 0:27:45This leaves us just 500,000 as the full German strength.
0:27:45 > 0:27:53Now, of these, 497,250 are suffering from incurable diseases.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55And I think we know which ones.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Leaving just 2,750 men.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Of these, 2,150 are on the Eastern Front.
0:28:03 > 0:28:09And of the remaining 600, we see that 584 are generals and staff.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Thus we find, that there are in fact just...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17..16 men on the Western Front.
0:28:17 > 0:28:22Clearly not enough to resist one final big push, or maybe two,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25or three - four at the very most.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28And that is why we are going to win the war.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31If we haven't already by the time you've heard this.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38- Letters for you, sir. - Thank you, Henderson.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Thank you.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Ah, news from the home front.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Has my wife been raising money for noble causes,
0:28:54 > 0:29:01such as providing warm woollens for war-worn Walloons?
0:29:01 > 0:29:05Is mine selling flags for blue body belts for bucolic Belgians?
0:29:05 > 0:29:06Touche.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Always a bit of a mixed blessing, isn't it, a letter from home?
0:29:14 > 0:29:17A reminder of a land where gascons,
0:29:17 > 0:29:21whizz-bangs and mein und verfers are not allowed.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Good heavens - my wife has sent me a clipping from the Tatler.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28We've been mentioned in Dispatches!
0:29:28 > 0:29:30What? Fame at last?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33What did they say?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36"We hear news from the front of an amusing periodical designed
0:29:36 > 0:29:38"to entertain the troops.
0:29:38 > 0:29:43"It is entitled The Wipers Times after the town of Ypres
0:29:43 > 0:29:46"where its enterprising creators are currently quartered.
0:29:46 > 0:29:52"So, we salute the anonymous wits of the 6th Division..."
0:29:52 > 0:29:53We're the 24th Division.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Nincompoops.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59Ah dear. Appears we're not to be famous after all.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Oh, damn journalists, can't they get anything right?
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Is that a rhetorical question? PHONE RINGS
0:30:06 > 0:30:09It's Lieutenant Colonel Howfield's ADC, sir.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Little bobbing Bobby.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14The one who has little red star flashes on his jim-jams?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Captain, how can I help?
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Of course. Yes.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Looking forward to it, sir.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29- Thank you, Smith.- Sir.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Lieutenant Colonel Howfield has granted us
0:30:36 > 0:30:39the privilege of a full inspection.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41When?
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Now. Initiate "Operation Panic".
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Where is that "tip me up" duckboard when you need it?
0:30:49 > 0:30:50We under attack, sir?
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Quite the reverse. We've got an inspection by the Divisional Staff,
0:30:53 > 0:30:57which means for as long as they're here, there won't be any action at all.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Not even our artillery would open fire when there's a brass hat down here.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04Henderson, Dodd, shift these trays. Put them under the books.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Barnesy, get hold of this.
0:31:06 > 0:31:07To say an old adage -
0:31:07 > 0:31:11war is long periods of boredom punctuated by sheer terror.
0:31:16 > 0:31:17- Sir.- At ease, Roberts.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24- No, sir. - Well, I should be, shouldn't I?
0:31:24 > 0:31:28Boche obviously not keeping you occupied, and vice versa.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31You've got time on your hands, Roberts,
0:31:31 > 0:31:35and time is the soldier's greatest enemy.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37- Isn't it, Booby?- Yes, sir.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Apart from the gas and the flamethrowers.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42So, are your boys fit, Roberts?
0:31:42 > 0:31:43As a fiddle, sir.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Because the men have got to be fit for the big push.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49What about you, Roberts?
0:31:49 > 0:31:50Keeping busy?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53As a bee, sir.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57So no distractions? Finding things to do?
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Yes, sir.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Doing our best to make a little cover for the lads
0:32:02 > 0:32:05who are hanging onto the remnants of Belgium in the teeth of every
0:32:05 > 0:32:09disadvantage, discomfort and peril. Sir.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12So not too much "paperwork", then?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Not at all, sir.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20That's good to hear, isn't it, Bobby?
0:32:20 > 0:32:21Yes, sir.
0:32:21 > 0:32:26Because the problem with the whole damn line is inaction.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29We're getting bogged down in a mire of defensive passivity.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31There's no forward movement.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35No sorties, no raiding parties, no mining activity.
0:32:35 > 0:32:40You're right, sir. It's almost as if we were...entrenched.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Quite so.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47And the question you have to ask yourself, and you,
0:32:47 > 0:32:53particularly, as commander, Roberts, is are you being offensive enough?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58I'm not sure, sir.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Are we being offensive enough? Pearson?
0:33:06 > 0:33:07No, sir. I...
0:33:09 > 0:33:11I think we could be a lot more offensive.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Good man, Pearson.
0:33:13 > 0:33:18So from now on, you're going to be a lot more offensive.
0:33:19 > 0:33:20You hear that, men?
0:33:21 > 0:33:27From now on, we are all going to be as offensive as possible.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29MEN SNIGGER
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Very good, Roberts.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Isn't it, Bobby?
0:33:33 > 0:33:35I'm not altogether sure, sir.
0:33:41 > 0:33:42BOMBS EXPLODE
0:33:42 > 0:33:46You heard the colonel, we must attack something.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50How about...stupid moustaches?
0:33:52 > 0:33:56Good idea. far too many of them around.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58I blame Charlie Chaplin.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04BOMB EXPLODES OUTSIDE
0:34:04 > 0:34:07I say, that was a bit friendly.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Put the gramophone on, would you?
0:34:13 > 0:34:16BOMB EXPLODES OUTSIDE
0:34:22 > 0:34:26MUSIC HALL-STYLE MUSIC
0:34:26 > 0:34:28BOMB EXPLODES
0:34:28 > 0:34:31- Well saved.- No...
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- It's not enough. Have to play the piano.- Oh, dear.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39BOMB EXPLODES
0:34:59 > 0:35:03# There are various types of courage there are many kinds of fear
0:35:03 > 0:35:06# There are many brands of whisky there are many makes of beer
0:35:06 > 0:35:11# There is also rum which sometimes in our need can help us much
0:35:11 > 0:35:15# But 'tis whisky, whisky, whisky hands the courage which is Dutch... #
0:35:26 > 0:35:29# There are various types of courage there are many kinds of fear
0:35:29 > 0:35:33# There are many brands of whisky there are many makes of beer
0:35:33 > 0:35:38# There is also rum which sometimes in our need can help us much
0:35:38 > 0:35:42# But 'tis whisky, whisky, whisky hands the courage which is Dutch. #
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Bad news, sir. We've had a direct hit.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Bloody Boche. Excuse my French, sir.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01French excused, Sergeant.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Is there nothing that can be done?
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I think it's finished, sir.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08It's the end of The Wipers Times.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14It was good while it lasted, Fred.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I've tried, throughout this war,
0:36:17 > 0:36:20to maintain my sense of humour.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27But now I'm really unamused.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40MEN GRUMBLE AND LAUGH
0:36:44 > 0:36:46What are you men so happy about?
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Captain Roberts. He's on grand form tonight, sir.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51What do you mean?
0:36:51 > 0:36:56- Well, the orders that he gave the men were not strictly according to the drill manual.- Really?
0:36:56 > 0:37:00Yes, sir. He said, "Fall in, you blank, blank, blank, blank.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03"We're going up the blanking line and if we see any blanking Boche,
0:37:03 > 0:37:08"we're going to shove their blanking bombs up their blanking...shirts."
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- Did he actually say shirts, Dodd? - No, sir.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14You'll have to excuse Captain Roberts.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17I'm afraid he's taken the loss of the printer somewhat badly.
0:37:17 > 0:37:18Sir.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22BOMB EXPLODES
0:37:26 > 0:37:29At least the old girl has been put to some use.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32A distinguished end to her literary career.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36Part of a transverse wall of C4 trench number six post.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Men and party coming through.
0:37:38 > 0:37:43Well, I assumed it wasn't a delegation from the general staff.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46You wouldn't find them at this end of the muddy stick.
0:37:46 > 0:37:47You must be, Roberts.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51- Sir.- I hear you're quite the thorn in the red hats' backsides.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53- Good man. - BOMB EXPLODES
0:37:53 > 0:37:56- Off we go, boys.- Good luck, Colonel.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Who was that?
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Commanding officer of the Royal Scots Fusiliers.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Why was he wearing a French tin hat?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11A bit of a personality, somewhat eccentric.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Always suggesting the top brass come down to the front
0:38:14 > 0:38:15and get a taste of the action.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17He won't last long, will he? What's his name?
0:38:17 > 0:38:18Name's Churchill.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Heard a rumour, sir.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Don't tell me, the Kaiser has been
0:38:23 > 0:38:27arrested by Field Marshal Hindenburg and shot as a spy?
0:38:27 > 0:38:28Not exactly, sir, no.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31It's a friend of a friend of a friend, has told me...
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- BOMB EXPLODES - He happens to know the whereabouts of a lovely little hand-jigger.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Speak English, Sergeant.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40It's a printing press, sir. And word has it there's a lot more type.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Priceless, Sergeant.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Only drawback, sir, is its current location.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46- Which is where?- Hellfire Corner.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Oh, dear. That's the Hellfire Corner, the most dangerous place on the Salient.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Hottest place in the world, sir.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Where life expectancy is about, what? 60 seconds?
0:38:55 > 0:38:57If that, sir.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Well, it would be an
0:38:59 > 0:39:03act of pure folly to risk lives rescuing a printing press.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05So no sensible commanding officer could possibly sanction it,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07is that clear?
0:39:07 > 0:39:08Very clear, sir.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Good luck, Sergeant.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS
0:39:13 > 0:39:17- Why do they call it Hellfire Corner, Sar'nt?- Why do you think, Dodd?
0:39:17 > 0:39:21- Dodd doesn't think!- Shut up, Smithy, before Fritz shuts you up for good.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23This bloody thing weighs a ton.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25If you drop it you'll find out about hellfire from me.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26Now run, you bugger!
0:39:32 > 0:39:36Ah, well. So that is a hand jigger.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38Pardon my French.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42God bless this printer and all the jokes who fail in her.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Eh, sir! Careful of the printer.
0:39:44 > 0:39:45Careful of the champagne more like.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47You mustn't waste this stuff there's a war on.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Is there? I had no idea.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Better make sure the Germans don't get hold of it.
0:39:52 > 0:39:53CORK POPS
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Too slow. There we go.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01How on earth did you get hold of this?
0:40:01 > 0:40:05Well, I had a bit of luck at cards with some of the brass hats
0:40:05 > 0:40:06billeted at the chateau.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09As it turned out, magnificent cellar.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13To the hand jigger.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15CHEERING
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Ladies and gentlemen,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24welcome to the latest venue in our grand tour of Flanders.
0:40:24 > 0:40:29The Neuve Eglise Hippodrome, where our doors are always open.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Tonight, we are honoured to present a show to die for.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36The grand new revue, Over The Top.
0:40:38 > 0:40:43Positively the greatest spectacular performance ever staged.
0:40:43 > 0:40:44And topping the bill,
0:40:44 > 0:40:48it's musical merriment from our very own sapper songbirds,
0:40:48 > 0:40:53Trench And Foot, with their delightful ditty, Minor Worries.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59# If the Hun lets off some gas never mind
0:40:59 > 0:41:04# If the Hun attacks in mass never mind
0:41:05 > 0:41:08# If your dugout's blown to bits
0:41:08 > 0:41:10# Or the CO's throwing fits
0:41:10 > 0:41:13# Or a crump your rum jar hits never mind
0:41:13 > 0:41:15# Oh, never mind
0:41:17 > 0:41:20# If your trench is mud knee-high never mind
0:41:20 > 0:41:24# You can't find a spot that's high never mind
0:41:24 > 0:41:26# Oh, never mind
0:41:28 > 0:41:31# If a sniper has you set through dents in your parapet
0:41:31 > 0:41:35# And your troubles fiercer get never mind
0:41:35 > 0:41:38# Oh, never mind
0:41:40 > 0:41:44# If machine guns join the muddle never mind
0:41:44 > 0:41:47# Though you're lying in a puddle never mind
0:41:47 > 0:41:49# Oh, never mind
0:41:49 > 0:41:50# If the duck board barks your shin
0:41:50 > 0:41:52# And the barbed wire rips your skin
0:41:52 > 0:41:56# 'Tis reward for all your sin never mind
0:41:56 > 0:41:59# Oh, never mind. #
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Gas! Gas! Gas!
0:42:05 > 0:42:08ALARM BELL RINGS
0:42:38 > 0:42:39Looks good, Jack.
0:42:40 > 0:42:45Harris and his devils have done a fine job.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47HE CHOKES
0:42:50 > 0:42:51It's nothing to worry about.
0:42:51 > 0:42:55The quacks say I'll be right as rain and back on the front line in no time.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57- Are you sure?- Mm. Thank you.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02I'm one of the lucky ones.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04I'm still here.
0:43:04 > 0:43:05Well, you were lucky.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Apparently, Fritz has developed a new type of stink bomb.
0:43:08 > 0:43:12Makes you wretch so you have to take off your gas mask and then the chlorine kills you.
0:43:12 > 0:43:13Fiendish.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16HE CHOKES
0:43:17 > 0:43:18Excuse me.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31What about Henderson?
0:43:35 > 0:43:37I'm very sorry.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Well, the good news is, we still have plenty of material
0:43:40 > 0:43:42coming in from our distinguished contributors.
0:43:42 > 0:43:46- Please, tell me it isn't all poetry. - Fine. It isn't all poetry.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48That's a lie. It is all poetry.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Damn and blast. Alert the medical orderlies, Jack.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53There's been a serious outbreak of poet-itus.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Subalterns are being seen with notebook in one hand,
0:43:56 > 0:43:57a bomb in the other,
0:43:57 > 0:44:00absently walking near the wire in deep communion with the muse.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03It's probably because spring is in the air.
0:44:03 > 0:44:04The picture of little lambs
0:44:04 > 0:44:07gambolling among the whizz-bangs is so beautiful and romantic.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09I've had enough verse. Doctor!
0:44:09 > 0:44:11I demand an injection of prose.
0:44:11 > 0:44:17What we do have is, a lot of letters to the editor.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20This chap here wants to know why we don't write more about the war.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23- I rather thought we did?- No the "wider" war.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25The "big picture" et cetera.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28We can't write about the "wider war" because we have no idea what's going on.
0:44:28 > 0:44:32- We're just fighting in it.- Well, it's lucky we have illustrious war correspondents
0:44:32 > 0:44:34like William Beach Thomas to keep us informed.
0:44:34 > 0:44:36Teach Bomas? That idiot.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39- Are you trying to make me feel worse? - He's highly respected
0:44:39 > 0:44:42because he always manages to write from the "thick of the action".
0:44:42 > 0:44:45- Funny how we've never actually seen him though, isn't it?- Fred, you're being cynical.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49He must know what he's talking about. He's in the Daily Mail.
0:44:54 > 0:45:00I am here, in no man's land, where all hell has broken loose.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09The air is thick with bullets and shells but I don't mind that.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11And now I'm climbing up a conveniently dangling
0:45:11 > 0:45:13rope into an observation balloon.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17I'm now right above the battle
0:45:17 > 0:45:23and looking down on the gallant charge of the, hmm, Umpshires.
0:45:23 > 0:45:30Yes. The brave men of the 13th Umpshire Regiment,
0:45:30 > 0:45:33charging straight at the elite Prussian guard -
0:45:33 > 0:45:35who are all surrendering.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39Yes, they are shouting, "Kamerad" and putting up their hands.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42Same again, please.
0:45:42 > 0:45:46I am now over the German battle lines where I can tell you,
0:45:46 > 0:45:48with complete confidence,
0:45:48 > 0:45:52that the cavalry are laying down a barrage of shells,
0:45:52 > 0:45:55whilst the submarines have advanced into the wood.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59This has been me, William Teach Bomas,
0:45:59 > 0:46:02writing exclusively from the middle of the bottle. Sorry, battle.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04Stop it, Jack. You're hurting me.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07Shhh, would you two, please, behave!
0:46:07 > 0:46:12There are very sick men here. This is not the Palace of Varieties.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14No, no, the girls here are much prettier.
0:46:24 > 0:46:25Splendid, Harris, that's much better
0:46:25 > 0:46:30- I think he'll be very pleased with that.- Thank you, sir.
0:46:37 > 0:46:39Ah, what is it, Barnes?
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Are you still taking submissions, sir?
0:46:41 > 0:46:43We are as long as there is no poetry.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46The editor has decided he is sick of rhyme.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49The paper cannot live by poems alone.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51Oh.
0:46:51 > 0:46:52What have you got for me?
0:46:54 > 0:46:55Nothing, sir.
0:46:55 > 0:46:56Show me.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09To My Chum. Sounds suspiciously like a poem to me, Barnes.
0:47:11 > 0:47:12It's about Henderson, sir.
0:47:14 > 0:47:15Ah.
0:47:16 > 0:47:19Well, I'm sure we can make an exception in that case.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26"No more we'll share the same old barn
0:47:26 > 0:47:29"The same old dug-out the same old yarn
0:47:30 > 0:47:32"No more a tin of bully share
0:47:33 > 0:47:36"Nor split our rum by a star-shell's glare
0:47:37 > 0:47:38"So long, old lad
0:47:40 > 0:47:44"What times we've had both good and bad.
0:47:44 > 0:47:48"We've shared what shelter could be had
0:47:48 > 0:47:51"The same crump-hole when the whizz-bangs shrieked
0:47:51 > 0:47:54"The same old billet that always leaked
0:47:55 > 0:47:58"And now - you've stopped one
0:48:01 > 0:48:04"We'd weathered the storms two winters long
0:48:04 > 0:48:06"We'd managed to grin when all went wrong
0:48:06 > 0:48:08"Because together we'd fought and fed
0:48:10 > 0:48:14"Our hearts were light but now, you're dead...
0:48:16 > 0:48:17"..and I am mate-less."
0:48:42 > 0:48:47Missed, bad luck. Not artillery by any chance?
0:48:50 > 0:48:54- Sir.- Good to see you, Fred. Fully recovered?
0:48:54 > 0:48:56Fighting fit, sir.
0:48:56 > 0:48:58Ready to be as "offensive" as possible?
0:49:00 > 0:49:04Ah excellent. Ah, so now it's The Kemmel Times?
0:49:04 > 0:49:06Well, they will keep moving us around, sir,
0:49:06 > 0:49:08and now we seem to have become infantry.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12Modern warfare's all about flexibility, Fred.
0:49:12 > 0:49:16Take the cavalry, now they're riding tanks. Whatever next?
0:49:16 > 0:49:19Anyway, you'd be glad to hear you're going to have a change of scenery.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Your days in the Salient are over.
0:49:24 > 0:49:25I'll miss it, sir.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Unlike the Boche artillery, which has made rather a mess of it.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32I'm not altogether keen on their idea of landscape gardening.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34I think you'll prefer your next posting.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43Ah!
0:49:43 > 0:49:46- Frere Jacques!- Bonjour!
0:49:46 > 0:49:47How was leave?
0:49:47 > 0:49:49Well, Amiens really is most agreeable.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53Top-notch cathedral which, sadly, I didn't have time to visit.
0:49:53 > 0:49:54Here, fromage.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Oh. Merci.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58- Fromage Bleu. - Oh, merci buckets.
0:49:58 > 0:50:01But Madame Fifi assures me it's one of the finest
0:50:01 > 0:50:05examples of Gothic Architecture in Northern France.
0:50:05 > 0:50:06And Madame Fifi is...?
0:50:06 > 0:50:08Absolutely charming.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11Runs a delightful little club where if you buy a bottle of champagne,
0:50:11 > 0:50:14the girls very kindly agree to sit on your knee.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16- Oh.- You really must go there.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18In fact, everyone must go there.
0:50:18 > 0:50:22I'm giving all ranks one day's leave in Amiens.
0:50:22 > 0:50:23And that's an order!
0:50:23 > 0:50:25It's a bit far, isn't it?
0:50:25 > 0:50:27It won't be - we're on the move again.
0:50:27 > 0:50:28Really? Where to?
0:50:28 > 0:50:31You'll love it, apparently it's very pretty, indeed.
0:50:31 > 0:50:33Oh, capital. What's it called?
0:50:33 > 0:50:34The Somme.
0:50:34 > 0:50:36MARCHING
0:50:50 > 0:50:51Zero minus three.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53BOMBS EXPLODE
0:50:53 > 0:50:56I'm sorry, Jack, this issue's a bit thin.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58Not even sure we'll make the deadline.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02BOMB EXPLODES CLOSE BY
0:51:02 > 0:51:04Well, we have had other calls on our time.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07Perhaps we should wait and bring it out after the grand show.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09BOMB EXPLODES
0:51:09 > 0:51:13No. I think sooner is better than later.
0:51:15 > 0:51:18DISTANT GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS
0:51:18 > 0:51:20A harpsichord of hate...
0:51:20 > 0:51:24performed to an audience of terrified Teutons.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27- I rather like that.- Yes?
0:51:27 > 0:51:29I must remember it if I ever get out of this.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Rum ration.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Rum ration, Sergeant. It's time to give the boys a tot.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39Sir.
0:51:42 > 0:51:45BOMB EXPLODES
0:51:45 > 0:51:47Dodd's too young. I'll have his.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49We don't want you incapable, Smith.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51How would you tell, Sar'nt?
0:51:51 > 0:51:53Any chance of seconds?
0:51:53 > 0:51:55No, it's bad for your health.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57BOMB EXPLODES
0:51:57 > 0:52:01Swine. Can't even let a man have a drink in peace.
0:52:02 > 0:52:06S'cuse me for asking, sir, but there's rumours going round.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Is this the big push?
0:52:08 > 0:52:11I'm afraid such information is hush-hush, Dodd. Who told you that?
0:52:11 > 0:52:15Germans, sir. They've been shouting out across no man's land.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Yes, well, perhaps it isn't the best kept military
0:52:17 > 0:52:20secret in the history of the British military.
0:52:26 > 0:52:27Zero minus one.
0:52:35 > 0:52:38All right, men. Just wanted to say,
0:52:38 > 0:52:43whatever happens, you know you can
0:52:43 > 0:52:46rely on the old division to give a good account of itself.
0:52:46 > 0:52:47Even Dodd, sir?
0:52:48 > 0:52:49Especially Dodd.
0:52:49 > 0:52:53So, here to all you lads.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00The game's started, so keep the ball rolling and remember,
0:53:00 > 0:53:03the only good Hun is a dead Hun.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05MEN CHEER
0:53:17 > 0:53:19No jokes?
0:53:19 > 0:53:20A bit short of jokes.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29There was a young girl of the Somme...
0:53:30 > 0:53:32..Who sat on a number five bomb...
0:53:37 > 0:53:40She thought was a dud 'un but it went off sudden...
0:53:41 > 0:53:43Her exit she made with aplomb.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45MEN LAUGH
0:53:49 > 0:53:52MEN SHOUT
0:53:52 > 0:53:54BOMBS EXPLODE
0:53:57 > 0:53:59GUNFIRE
0:53:59 > 0:54:02MEN SHOUT
0:54:12 > 0:54:13Did you know it's still going on?
0:54:13 > 0:54:17The War? Yes, apparently it is.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19No, this mutinous magazine.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22They promised to stop producing it, erm, when the war is over.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26Just listen to this. "Realising that men must laugh.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29"Some wise man devised the staff."
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Is that supposed to be funny?
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Well, it's funnier than what I'm reading.
0:54:33 > 0:54:38It's a subversive attack on the entire high command. It continues...
0:54:38 > 0:54:42"Let them lead the simple life far from all our vulgar strife."
0:54:42 > 0:54:45My God, that's us they're talking about.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49"Lest their relatives might grieve often, often give them leave
0:54:49 > 0:54:54"Decorations too, galore What on earth could man wish more?"
0:54:54 > 0:54:58We cannot allow this scurrilous insubordination to go unpunished.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02"And yet, alas, so goes the rumour
0:55:02 > 0:55:04"The staff all lack a sense of humour."
0:55:05 > 0:55:07Utter rubbish.
0:55:07 > 0:55:08It's not all rude rhymes.
0:55:08 > 0:55:13In fact, er, they've put in a rather helpful glossary of military terms.
0:55:13 > 0:55:14Really?
0:55:14 > 0:55:17"Duds, there are two kinds -
0:55:17 > 0:55:20"a shell on impact failing to explode is called a dud.
0:55:20 > 0:55:24"These are unhappily less plentiful on the other kind of dud."
0:55:24 > 0:55:26- Go on.- "The kind that draws a large salary
0:55:26 > 0:55:30"and explodes for no reason far behind the fighting area."
0:55:30 > 0:55:33The battlefield is not a place for humour!
0:55:33 > 0:55:35Humour, my dear Howfield,
0:55:35 > 0:55:39is what separates civilisation from incivility.
0:55:39 > 0:55:40Us from the Boche.
0:55:41 > 0:55:45Whilst Roberts and his men are busy writing poems poking fun at us
0:55:45 > 0:55:49brass hats, the Germans' equivalent literary contribution is
0:55:49 > 0:55:51a hymn of hate.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53- Have you heard it? - Course I've heard it.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56Has all the subtlety of a dawn barrage from Big Bertha.
0:55:56 > 0:55:59What the Germans sing or don't sing is irrelevant.
0:55:59 > 0:56:01We have to maintain discipline in our army,
0:56:01 > 0:56:05or the result is defeatism and anarchy.
0:56:05 > 0:56:08I still say something should be done about Captain Roberts.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10Oh? Something has been done.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14He's been awarded the Military Cross for gallantry.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22"Captain FJ Roberts, 12th Sherwood Foresters,
0:56:22 > 0:56:24"24th Division, for conspicuous gallantry
0:56:24 > 0:56:31"and devotion to duty in the battle of the Somme on August 12th 1916.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34"Captain Roberts showed outstanding leadership under fire
0:56:34 > 0:56:36"as Company Commander.
0:56:36 > 0:56:38"Throughout he behaved most gallantly."
0:56:40 > 0:56:46# If you're waking call me early call me early, Sergeant, dear
0:56:46 > 0:56:49# For I'm very, very weary and my warrants come, I hear
0:56:50 > 0:56:55# It is Blighty for a spell my old troubles are all packed
0:56:55 > 0:57:00# So keep the war a-going, Sar'nt it's all yours till I'm back. #
0:57:07 > 0:57:09Maitre d', maitre d'?
0:57:09 > 0:57:10Oh, I-I was saying - Pearson.
0:57:10 > 0:57:14Pearson's priceless and Harris is an ace with the inkies.
0:57:14 > 0:57:16And you'd be amazed at the sort of stuff that comes in from the chaps.
0:57:16 > 0:57:20The spoofs of Kipling and Sherlock Holmes and...
0:57:20 > 0:57:22the Rubaiyat of Omar whats-it.
0:57:22 > 0:57:25And limericks and jokes from all sorts of unlikely...
0:57:25 > 0:57:27Slow down, Fred, I'm not going anywhere.
0:57:28 > 0:57:32But did I tell you about the poet, Gilbert Frankau contributing?
0:57:32 > 0:57:35Now there's someone who's actually famous, now he's working for us.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37You did mention it once or twice.
0:57:37 > 0:57:41There's a very promising writer called Sherriff, who's good at little dramatic squibs.
0:57:41 > 0:57:45Oh, and one of the men has started carving drawings on wood blocks.
0:57:45 > 0:57:50So we're almost up there with the Illustrated London News.
0:57:50 > 0:57:51You make it all sound such fun.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54It would be if the infernal general staff didn't keep
0:57:54 > 0:57:56insisting on us fighting all the time.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01Oh, Sommelier? Could we have another bottle of the '97?
0:58:01 > 0:58:04Darling, can we afford all this?
0:58:04 > 0:58:07Of course we can't! Not on a captain's pay.
0:58:07 > 0:58:10But as luck would have it, I ran into a general in the boat home
0:58:10 > 0:58:12and I won a hand or two at cards.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15I do hope he's better at strategy than he is at bridge.
0:58:15 > 0:58:16Same old Fred.
0:58:19 > 0:58:20Well, not quite.
0:58:53 > 0:58:54It's the quiet.
0:58:57 > 0:58:58It's keeping me awake.
0:59:02 > 0:59:04What's it really like?
0:59:08 > 0:59:10You know what the basis for this war is?
0:59:12 > 0:59:13Mud.
0:59:17 > 0:59:21And sticking through the mud at various places you can see
0:59:21 > 0:59:23pieces of towns.
0:59:25 > 0:59:27And out there are the trenches.
0:59:29 > 0:59:32One set for our men, one for the Boche.
0:59:32 > 0:59:34With thick wire fences in front of them.
0:59:38 > 0:59:41And time passes slowly.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47So, by way of amusement,
0:59:47 > 0:59:52one side will try to get in the other's trench and bring back a man.
0:59:52 > 0:59:54And the score is 1-0 for the night.
0:59:57 > 0:59:59May seem a bit slow, taking the enemy one by one,
0:59:59 > 1:00:01when there are millions more out there.
1:00:03 > 1:00:04It all helps to pass the time.
1:00:06 > 1:00:09Till Christmas, when the war's going to end.
1:00:10 > 1:00:11Is it?
1:00:11 > 1:00:14Oh, yes. We just don't know which Christmas.
1:00:17 > 1:00:18We are winning?
1:00:19 > 1:00:23I'm not sure anyone knows.
1:00:27 > 1:00:28I fought in a battle...
1:00:31 > 1:00:35..which was an epic of futility.
1:00:38 > 1:00:42No-one could even speculate what the battle was supposed to achieve.
1:00:44 > 1:00:45In fact, there was never the
1:00:45 > 1:00:48slightest chance of achieving anything at all.
1:00:51 > 1:00:53Apart from the flower of British manhood...
1:00:54 > 1:00:57..being hurled to a squalid death.
1:00:57 > 1:00:59- This isn't like you, Fred. - I'm sorry.
1:01:02 > 1:01:04Most of us have been cured of any illusion
1:01:04 > 1:01:07we may have had about the pomp and glory of war...
1:01:09 > 1:01:14..and now know it as the vilest disaster that can befall mankind.
1:01:22 > 1:01:27War is nothing more than wallowing in a dirty ditch.
1:01:31 > 1:01:33Are you going back?
1:01:36 > 1:01:37Of course.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42MARCHING
1:01:50 > 1:01:53'If you can live on bully and a biscuit
1:01:53 > 1:01:56'And thank your stars that you've a tot of rum
1:01:56 > 1:01:58'Dodge whizz-bangs with a grin
1:01:58 > 1:02:02'And as you risk it, talk glibly of the pretty way they hum
1:02:03 > 1:02:06'If you can crawl through wire and crump-holes reeking
1:02:06 > 1:02:08'With feet of liquid mud
1:02:08 > 1:02:12'And keep your head turned always to the place which you are seeking
1:02:12 > 1:02:15'Through dread of crying you will laugh instead
1:02:16 > 1:02:19'If you can grin, at last when handing over
1:02:19 > 1:02:23'And finish well, what you have well begun
1:02:23 > 1:02:26'And think a muddy ditch a bed of clover
1:02:26 > 1:02:30'You will be a soldier one day then my son.'
1:02:40 > 1:02:41Section, halt!
1:02:44 > 1:02:47Give us a cigarette, Dodd.
1:02:48 > 1:02:53We must be here. Because this, here, is over there.
1:02:54 > 1:02:57- Where are we, sir? - If I'm not mistaken,
1:02:57 > 1:02:59we're back at Wipers.
1:03:01 > 1:03:02You sure, sir?
1:03:15 > 1:03:16Pretty sure.
1:03:21 > 1:03:25We've come a long way in the last 18 months, haven't we?
1:03:25 > 1:03:27I'd say approximately 30 yards.
1:03:30 > 1:03:34Find out what the hell monsieur thinks he's up to, would you, Jack?
1:03:37 > 1:03:38Monsieur! Bonjour!
1:03:38 > 1:03:40- Sergeant?- Sir?
1:03:40 > 1:03:42Make sure the printer's come in one piece.
1:03:42 > 1:03:45I thought the GS wagon we put it on looked pretty ropey.
1:03:45 > 1:03:47- Sir.- Thank you.
1:03:50 > 1:03:54- I don't think you're going to believe this.- Try me.
1:03:54 > 1:03:56He's with the Michelin guide.
1:03:56 > 1:03:59They're preparing a tourist handbook for the battlefields.
1:03:59 > 1:04:02Oh, so this is...? This is going to be a holiday destination?
1:04:02 > 1:04:03Apparently so.
1:04:03 > 1:04:05We should consider ourselves fortunate
1:04:05 > 1:04:08- we're among the first to have seen the sights.- Yes.
1:04:08 > 1:04:11Did you ask him to recommend any top class restaurants in the vicinity?
1:04:11 > 1:04:14This is beyond parody. You couldn't make it up.
1:04:15 > 1:04:19Right. Come on men. Forward march.
1:04:19 > 1:04:20Onwards.
1:04:22 > 1:04:24He'll be put out of a job soon.
1:04:24 > 1:04:28Should we see if the old editorial den's still standing?
1:04:28 > 1:04:29It'll be like old times.
1:04:29 > 1:04:34Yes, very old times. Back when there were no buildings at all.
1:04:44 > 1:04:48Oh, tell me, Sergeant, how many Es in Wenceslas?
1:04:48 > 1:04:51As many of the little blighters as I can find, sir.
1:04:51 > 1:04:53Which, at the moment, is none.
1:04:53 > 1:04:59Very well. I always thought the good king was over encumbered with Es.
1:04:59 > 1:05:01We're also short of paper, sir.
1:05:01 > 1:05:05We... We've got a bumper Christmas issue to produce.
1:05:05 > 1:05:07I'm sure the readers will understand
1:05:07 > 1:05:10if the issue's less than the advertised 20 pages.
1:05:10 > 1:05:13We've dropped the pen in favour of the sword
1:05:13 > 1:05:15and gone to liberate some French villages.
1:05:15 > 1:05:19No, we promised our readers 20 pages, and 20 pages they shall have.
1:05:19 > 1:05:21Well, that's all well and good, sir,
1:05:21 > 1:05:23but it doesn't get around our problem. No poo paper.
1:05:23 > 1:05:27If I can find something funny to say about another Christmas
1:05:27 > 1:05:29on the front line...
1:05:29 > 1:05:34then I'm sure you can find some paper in Ypres, Sergeant.
1:05:35 > 1:05:36I'll do my best, sir.
1:05:36 > 1:05:38Thank you.
1:05:40 > 1:05:43I had a profitable hand of Brag with Bobbing Bobby.
1:05:46 > 1:05:48If this issue comes out at all it'll be a miracle.
1:05:54 > 1:05:56A miracle at Christmas.
1:05:56 > 1:06:00This is the story of a soldier, Alfred Higgins,
1:06:00 > 1:06:05or number 249921 Private Higgins A,
1:06:05 > 1:06:08as he was officially known.
1:06:08 > 1:06:12It was Christmas morning and Alfred was holding the line.
1:06:12 > 1:06:15All was peace and goodwill.
1:06:15 > 1:06:18The Gas Gongs were chiming out their message of joy to all mankind
1:06:18 > 1:06:22and the merry bark of the pipsqueak, aided by the staccato cough of the
1:06:22 > 1:06:26howitzer, combined to reassure Alfred that all was well with the world.
1:06:27 > 1:06:32Alfred began to doze, when at last his sergeant came in sight.
1:06:32 > 1:06:34"Higgins," said the Sergeant.
1:06:34 > 1:06:37"Have you been drinking rum?"
1:06:37 > 1:06:40"No, Sergeant. Honestly, Sergeant," said Higgins.
1:06:40 > 1:06:42"Well, then," said the Sergeant.
1:06:42 > 1:06:45"You must have some of mine."
1:06:45 > 1:06:48Alfred was treated for severe shock
1:06:48 > 1:06:50and never went to the front line again.
1:06:52 > 1:06:55A happy Christmas and New Year to all!
1:06:55 > 1:06:58And may next Christmas see the whole damn business over.
1:07:03 > 1:07:05Bravo, Fred.
1:07:05 > 1:07:07A festive tale to gladden the heart.
1:07:09 > 1:07:11It's given me an idea.
1:07:11 > 1:07:13Permission to go into the pub business?
1:07:13 > 1:07:16Permission granted. What on earth are you talking about?
1:07:18 > 1:07:21All right. Merci. Demain.
1:07:21 > 1:07:24Demain deux fois, deux fois encore.
1:07:24 > 1:07:25Very good.
1:07:27 > 1:07:31- Welcome to the Foresters Arms. - Very impressive.
1:07:31 > 1:07:33Well, something had to be done.
1:07:33 > 1:07:35The ambulances can't keep up with the casualties
1:07:35 > 1:07:37and get the wounded back to base quick enough, so...
1:07:37 > 1:07:39it's a sort of first aid post.
1:07:39 > 1:07:42Or, rather, thirst aid post?
1:07:42 > 1:07:43I'm terribly sorry.
1:07:43 > 1:07:45That's dreadful.
1:07:45 > 1:07:46Well done, lads.
1:07:52 > 1:07:55There we are. One franc.
1:07:55 > 1:07:56I've no money, sir.
1:07:56 > 1:08:00Oh, dear. Well, then I shall have to insist on giving it to you for free.
1:08:00 > 1:08:04- Cheers, sir.- What the bloody hell is going on here?!
1:08:04 > 1:08:07You're meant to be a soldier not a bloody publican.
1:08:07 > 1:08:10- Yes, sir, I was just...- I want it closed down immediately.
1:08:10 > 1:08:11- I'm afraid that's not possible. - What?
1:08:11 > 1:08:14The Foresters Arms is providing a vital service to these men
1:08:14 > 1:08:17and following a petition from the divisional chaplaincies,
1:08:17 > 1:08:20the Foresters Arms has been authorised to continue its essential work.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23On whose authority? General Mitford's?
1:08:23 > 1:08:24Field Marshall Haig's?
1:08:24 > 1:08:25Higher than that.
1:08:29 > 1:08:32You damned devil dodgers are going to undermine the whole war!
1:08:41 > 1:08:45- May I add my own note of caution, Captain Pearson?- Sir?
1:08:45 > 1:08:48I hope this new venture, however admirable,
1:08:48 > 1:08:50will not get in the way of your duties.
1:08:50 > 1:08:56May I remind you that you are first and foremost assistant editor
1:08:56 > 1:08:58of The Wipers Times.
1:08:58 > 1:08:59Yes.
1:09:00 > 1:09:05The General Staff are under severe pressure from the good ladies
1:09:05 > 1:09:07of the Temperance Society.
1:09:07 > 1:09:09Why?
1:09:09 > 1:09:14From their unique vantage point on the home front, they attribute
1:09:14 > 1:09:18all the army's reverses in the field to the effects of alcohol.
1:09:19 > 1:09:22They seem to be under the impression that the trenches are awash
1:09:22 > 1:09:24with the demon drink.
1:09:24 > 1:09:26I can't imagine why they would think that.
1:09:26 > 1:09:29Rum business, war.
1:09:29 > 1:09:31But the high command has given the ladies their blessing
1:09:31 > 1:09:35and whether we like it or not, we will all have to acknowledge that
1:09:35 > 1:09:37alcohol is a serious issue.
1:09:37 > 1:09:39So what do you propose?
1:09:40 > 1:09:43Well, obviously, we'll have to do our bit...
1:09:43 > 1:09:49and place a suitable advertisement in a responsible trench newspaper.
1:09:49 > 1:09:50Do you have a drink habit?
1:09:50 > 1:09:52Do you have a drink habit?
1:09:52 > 1:09:53Do you have a drink habit?
1:09:53 > 1:09:58If not, I can help you acquire one in three days.
1:09:58 > 1:10:01If you, or any one you know, does not drink alcohol regularly,
1:10:01 > 1:10:06they need my new book Confessions Of An Alcohol Slave.
1:10:06 > 1:10:07I can cure anyone.
1:10:07 > 1:10:08Take this once sad wretch.
1:10:12 > 1:10:15I was a rabid teetotaller for the first 15 years of my life,
1:10:15 > 1:10:18but thanks to Dr Supitup and his miracle cure
1:10:18 > 1:10:20I now never go to bed sober.
1:10:20 > 1:10:23All cases are treated in absolute confidence.
1:10:23 > 1:10:28This incredible three-step guide to being a bona fide toper is yours now.
1:10:28 > 1:10:31Just write to me, Dr Supitup, at Have Another Mansions,
1:10:31 > 1:10:33in Bedfordshire.
1:10:34 > 1:10:36KNOCK ON DOOR
1:10:36 > 1:10:38You wanted to see me, sir?
1:10:38 > 1:10:39Come in, Fred.
1:10:39 > 1:10:41If it's about ragging the Temperance Society...
1:10:41 > 1:10:43No, no, no. It isn't,
1:10:43 > 1:10:46though I have had complaints that your version of the war
1:10:46 > 1:10:49consists of nothing but wine, women and song.
1:10:51 > 1:10:54Well, there has been the odd visit to Madame Fifi's.
1:10:54 > 1:10:56I'd keep quiet about that if I were you, Fred.
1:10:56 > 1:10:58Madame Fifi's is closed.
1:10:59 > 1:11:02Napoo Madame Fifi? Quelle damage.
1:11:02 > 1:11:06Sadly she had to leave her cosy club one dawn for an appointment
1:11:06 > 1:11:07with the firing squad.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11Madame Fifi was a spy?
1:11:11 > 1:11:13Apparently she was extracting information from excitable
1:11:13 > 1:11:14young officers
1:11:14 > 1:11:16and passing it straight to Berlin.
1:11:16 > 1:11:18My conscience is clear, sir.
1:11:18 > 1:11:21I can't have given anything away about the war
1:11:21 > 1:11:23because I don't know anything.
1:11:23 > 1:11:25Like all British officers on the front line,
1:11:25 > 1:11:28I'm kept completely in the dark.
1:11:28 > 1:11:32I am amazed that, after all this time, you can find anything funny.
1:11:32 > 1:11:36Oh, I don't know, sir. You would have to concede that it is somewhat
1:11:36 > 1:11:41comical that we have spent years fighting our way through Flanders
1:11:41 > 1:11:43only to end up right back where we started.
1:11:44 > 1:11:49Then I think you'll find the news of your next deployment hilarious.
1:11:49 > 1:11:51I can hardly wait, sir.
1:11:51 > 1:11:5424th division is being sent back to The Somme.
1:11:57 > 1:11:59And why not, sir?
1:11:59 > 1:12:04It was such a success last time, why not do it all again?
1:12:04 > 1:12:07That's the spirit. War's waking up.
1:12:07 > 1:12:10Seconds out of the ring. Last round coming up.
1:12:12 > 1:12:13Zero minus one.
1:12:13 > 1:12:14EXPLOSION
1:12:17 > 1:12:20Right, lads. You all know the drill by now.
1:12:20 > 1:12:24- What's that you're drinking, Barnes? - Water, sir.
1:12:24 > 1:12:26Don't you know the water is not for drinking?
1:12:26 > 1:12:30It's for putting in the radiators of the staff cars.
1:12:30 > 1:12:34Don't do anything risky, never mind the water. Try some whisky.
1:12:34 > 1:12:36Sir.
1:12:36 > 1:12:37Ready, men?
1:12:40 > 1:12:41Forward, the Foresters.
1:12:43 > 1:12:45Give the Fritzes hell!
1:12:51 > 1:12:53ALL SHOUT
1:13:15 > 1:13:17Stop. Men.
1:13:18 > 1:13:19Stop!
1:13:19 > 1:13:22Hold your fire!
1:13:22 > 1:13:23Sir?
1:13:23 > 1:13:25They're already dead!
1:13:28 > 1:13:31It's the gas. Their own gas.
1:13:35 > 1:13:37The wind must have changed.
1:13:40 > 1:13:44I thought they were a bit...passive.
1:13:44 > 1:13:46What, you mean...
1:13:46 > 1:13:48they didn't put up much of a fight?
1:13:51 > 1:13:52Not very sporting, is it?
1:13:52 > 1:13:55HE LAUGHS
1:13:55 > 1:13:57Signing off before the show has even started.
1:13:57 > 1:13:59Spoils the whole fun of war.
1:13:59 > 1:14:02THEY LAUGH
1:14:08 > 1:14:09Oh, Christ!
1:14:39 > 1:14:43There was a little Hun and at war he tried his hand
1:14:43 > 1:14:47And while the Hun was winning war was fine, you understand
1:14:47 > 1:14:50When the others hit him back, he shouted in alarm
1:14:50 > 1:14:53"A little drop of peace wouldn't do me any harm."
1:15:23 > 1:15:26There was a young man of Avesnes...
1:15:26 > 1:15:29Who took a stroll down a long shady lanes...
1:15:32 > 1:15:36..He trod on a dud Half-hidden in mud
1:15:36 > 1:15:39He never will do it agains.
1:15:40 > 1:15:43Well up to our usual terrible standard.
1:15:45 > 1:15:48Sir, we've heard a rumour that the Germans have surrendered.
1:15:50 > 1:15:52Well, if that is the case, Corporal,
1:15:52 > 1:15:55someone really ought to tell their artillery.
1:15:55 > 1:15:57Yes, and if Fritz really is waving the white flag,
1:15:57 > 1:16:00he might have the decency to stop firing at us.
1:16:00 > 1:16:02So you don't think it's true then, sir?
1:16:04 > 1:16:08All I'm prepared to say is that the tide is apparently turned
1:16:08 > 1:16:14and perhaps, at last, we can all look forward to better times.
1:16:15 > 1:16:16Better Times.
1:16:17 > 1:16:19It's a good name for a title.
1:16:34 > 1:16:36EXPLOSION
1:16:42 > 1:16:44Letter to the editor.
1:16:44 > 1:16:45Is it genuine?
1:16:45 > 1:16:48Absolutely. I just genuinely made it up.
1:16:49 > 1:16:52"Dear sir. I hear that when it's all over,
1:16:52 > 1:16:56"people who joined up early are going to be demobilised first.
1:16:56 > 1:16:59"This is very unfair
1:16:59 > 1:17:02"since they obviously much more eager to be in the army than those of us
1:17:02 > 1:17:05"who joined up reluctantly later.
1:17:05 > 1:17:08"So surely we should go home sooner?
1:17:08 > 1:17:11"Yours, Lance Corporal A Slacker."
1:17:11 > 1:17:12Very convincing argument.
1:17:16 > 1:17:18EXPLOSION
1:17:20 > 1:17:25You sure about this title, Better Times?
1:17:25 > 1:17:28Apparently we only need one more big effort
1:17:28 > 1:17:30and we can completely bust the hump.
1:17:30 > 1:17:33You seem to be suffering from optimism.
1:17:33 > 1:17:35Talking of which...
1:17:35 > 1:17:38Harris thinks we can go to a weekly edition,
1:17:38 > 1:17:43despite brother Boche's best efforts to prevent all forms of journalism
1:17:43 > 1:17:47by filling the office with shrapnel yesterday.
1:17:47 > 1:17:51- Why weekly? Why not a daily? - Now who's suffering from optimism?
1:17:51 > 1:17:53We're selling like hot cakes.
1:17:54 > 1:17:58Is that good? I can't remember what a hot cake tastes like.
1:17:58 > 1:18:00We're even selling out on the home front.
1:18:02 > 1:18:04It would take a lot more copy.
1:18:04 > 1:18:07Surely there's enough jokers out there
1:18:07 > 1:18:10and more than enough poets to fill the space.
1:18:11 > 1:18:13EXPLOSION
1:18:13 > 1:18:16- It's a signal for you, sir. - Thank you, Harris.
1:18:28 > 1:18:29My God!
1:18:31 > 1:18:32What is it?
1:18:36 > 1:18:37It's all over.
1:18:43 > 1:18:46What, sir, just like that?
1:18:46 > 1:18:49"Official radio from Paris. 6.01 am.
1:18:50 > 1:18:52"November 11th 1918.
1:18:54 > 1:18:57"Marshal Foch to Commander in Chief.
1:18:57 > 1:19:01"Hostilities will be stopped along entire front at 11 o'clock."
1:19:04 > 1:19:06Fini la guerre.
1:19:10 > 1:19:11Looks like it.
1:19:13 > 1:19:14Napoo Boche.
1:19:18 > 1:19:19So it would seem.
1:19:22 > 1:19:24It's an armistice.
1:19:25 > 1:19:28No big show then, no final push to Berlin?
1:19:35 > 1:19:37EXPLOSION
1:19:39 > 1:19:42Shall I, er, tell the men then, sir?
1:19:42 > 1:19:45EXPLOSION
1:19:45 > 1:19:47Thank you, Sergeant.
1:19:47 > 1:19:51And tell them to keep their bloody heads down until 11 o'clock.
1:19:51 > 1:19:52Sir.
1:19:58 > 1:19:59So, Jack...
1:20:01 > 1:20:04..our swords are going to be turned into ploughshares.
1:20:04 > 1:20:06Mmm.
1:20:06 > 1:20:08The order of the bowler hat for us.
1:20:12 > 1:20:13We're going home.
1:20:20 > 1:20:22Shouldn't we be celebrating?
1:20:27 > 1:20:29I suppose we should.
1:20:29 > 1:20:32Hmm.
1:20:53 > 1:20:57OK, lads. Well... just received a wire...
1:21:22 > 1:21:26Now that we've actually won the war, I hope that your scribbler friends
1:21:26 > 1:21:29in The Wipers Times will treat the staff with a little more respect.
1:21:29 > 1:21:30Yes, indeed. In fact,
1:21:30 > 1:21:33they're recommending the staff be awarded more medals.
1:21:33 > 1:21:34About time.
1:21:34 > 1:21:37The want special recognition for all those martyrs
1:21:37 > 1:21:41who've had to endure wearying years of soft jobs back at the base
1:21:41 > 1:21:44and have missed out on all the fun of the front line.
1:21:49 > 1:21:53And welcome back to the European Theatre for our grand finale.
1:21:56 > 1:22:00Sadly Keiser Bill Hohenzollern will not be appearing as he has
1:22:00 > 1:22:04an alternative engagement singing My Old Dutch in Holland.
1:22:06 > 1:22:10Also not on the bill are the famous Crumps.
1:22:13 > 1:22:14And the little pipsqueaks.
1:22:18 > 1:22:24And Duddy...whizz-bang!
1:22:27 > 1:22:30Yes! The show mustn't go on.
1:22:30 > 1:22:31You've seen the horrors of war.
1:22:31 > 1:22:34Now prepare for the horrors of peace.
1:22:34 > 1:22:35You were an army of occupation.
1:22:35 > 1:22:38Now you're going to be an army of no occupation.
1:22:38 > 1:22:39THEY BOO
1:22:39 > 1:22:41So without further ado,
1:22:41 > 1:22:45let's have one last encore from Tommy Atkins with
1:22:45 > 1:22:48a delightfully delicious ditty - costumes kindly provided by Messrs
1:22:48 > 1:22:51D Mob & Co - the celebrated tailors of Cheap Street.
1:22:51 > 1:22:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:22:56 > 1:22:59# So scrap the mortar mine and shell
1:22:59 > 1:23:03# The job's completely done and well
1:23:03 > 1:23:07# We're done with mud and rats and stench
1:23:07 > 1:23:11# Hope never again to see a trench... #
1:23:14 > 1:23:17That'll do, lads. We don't want to end the show on a low note.
1:23:17 > 1:23:21# ..No more we'll hear machine guns rattle
1:23:21 > 1:23:25# The minny's din the roar of battle
1:23:25 > 1:23:30# The long lost years have been well worth
1:23:30 > 1:23:34# If once again we've peace on earth... #
1:23:34 > 1:23:36That's more like it. Now, come on, everybody,
1:23:36 > 1:23:40let's see that demobilisation smile.
1:23:40 > 1:23:47# ..Farewell to you To dear old Wipers
1:23:47 > 1:23:51# For better times have come to pass
1:23:52 > 1:23:58# And if they ask us back to Flanders
1:23:58 > 1:24:02# We'll all say Shove it up your... #
1:24:04 > 1:24:06A little decorum, gentlemen, please!
1:24:06 > 1:24:08You are not in the army now!
1:24:19 > 1:24:23Hmm. It's all very amusing,
1:24:23 > 1:24:27but I'm sure that it is journalism.
1:24:27 > 1:24:30Nowadays, ours is a very modern, high-pressure business.
1:24:31 > 1:24:34Have you ever sat in a trench, in the middle of a battle
1:24:34 > 1:24:37and corrected page proofs? You should try it.
1:24:37 > 1:24:41I'm sure. But that was quite a long time ago.
1:24:43 > 1:24:46And your CV is a bit sketchy on your more recent career.
1:24:48 > 1:24:50I went back to prospecting.
1:24:50 > 1:24:52Spent some time in Africa. Looking for gold.
1:24:52 > 1:24:55Had some ups, had some downs.
1:24:55 > 1:24:58Came home and thought I'd have a last shot at something,
1:24:58 > 1:25:01which people were once kind enough to say that I was good at.
1:25:01 > 1:25:05I thought if old Beach Thomas can get a job,
1:25:05 > 1:25:08then surely I'd be in with a chance.
1:25:08 > 1:25:10He's Sir William Beach Thomas
1:25:10 > 1:25:14and he's one of our most distinguished correspondents.
1:25:15 > 1:25:17Of course. I'm sorry.
1:25:18 > 1:25:20Only he was a bit of a joke in the war.
1:25:20 > 1:25:21Yes.
1:25:23 > 1:25:25We're not really interested in jokes.
1:25:25 > 1:25:28Modern writers tell the truth about the war.
1:25:30 > 1:25:33Then perhaps I should write you a harrowing article about
1:25:33 > 1:25:37how all was not quiet on the Western Front...
1:25:39 > 1:25:44..and how with shells raining down upon us,
1:25:44 > 1:25:49and the chilly November air being rent with fury, the sub-editor
1:25:49 > 1:25:52and I drank a case of whiskey and shot the padre for cowardice
1:25:52 > 1:25:54and said goodbye to all that.
1:25:56 > 1:25:58Well, that's more like it.
1:25:59 > 1:26:00No.
1:26:03 > 1:26:05This was my truth.
1:26:09 > 1:26:11I'm sorry for wasting your time.
1:26:11 > 1:26:13No, no, no. Don't be so hasty.
1:26:15 > 1:26:16Here's the thing.
1:26:16 > 1:26:19I like you, Mr Roberts, I really do.
1:26:19 > 1:26:22And it's clear you're clever with words.
1:26:22 > 1:26:24So I think I might have something for you here.
1:26:26 > 1:26:28How about you start work on the, er..
1:26:30 > 1:26:31..the crossword?
1:26:37 > 1:26:40You want me to compile the crossword?
1:26:40 > 1:26:43Er, no. HELP compile the crossword.
1:26:43 > 1:26:46See how things go. Better not rush things.
1:26:46 > 1:26:52It's not exactly the front line of the circulation war, is it?
1:26:52 > 1:26:55A chap in your position can't expect too much.
1:26:55 > 1:26:56What do you think?
1:27:01 > 1:27:02I think...
1:27:17 > 1:27:20Er, you haven't given me an answer, Mr Roberts?
1:27:22 > 1:27:24Mr Roberts?
1:27:24 > 1:27:27Do you want this job or not?
1:27:27 > 1:27:28Mr Roberts?
1:28:36 > 1:28:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd