0:00:00 > 0:00:00- Subtitles
0:00:00 > 0:00:02- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- He should come today.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- He should be here soon.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- He should come.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- BABY CRIES
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- BABY SCREAMS
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- This is where my mother died.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- On this very bed.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- After giving birth to me.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- She was nineteen.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- It's strange to think - I'm older than my mother was then.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- I killed her.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- There isn't a nice way to put it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- I was an hour old...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- ..and already a murderer.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Did my father blame me?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- That would only be natural. - I took his young wife from him.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- If it wasn't for me, - she'd still be here.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Did he hate me as a baby?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- An only child, - whom he raised and fed.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- Was he forced to love me...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- ..all the time - trying his best not to hate me?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- BABY CRIES
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- I have a memory of Mam.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- A fictitious memory, of course.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- It's the only memory I have of her.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- She knew she was fading...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- ..the blood - slowly seeping into the sheets.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- She knew she was going.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- But she found strength - from somewhere.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- She held me tight and let me suck - the little life she had left in her.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- She looked into my eyes, - imagining my future.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- She could see me growing up, - blossoming.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22- She loved me with all of her heart - for that hour.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- She smiled when she closed her eyes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- I was still on her breast...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- ..unaware - that everything had changed.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- My mother loved me - with all her heart.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- To be like my mother, - that was my aim.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- To love my child with all my heart.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- She's gone now.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- When I saw Tomos in the town square - during the fair...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- ..I knew straight away.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- It was a month after my father died.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- With him, I felt I belonged...
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- ..to someone, to somewhere.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- I could conquer loneliness with him.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- He was the familiar face in a crowd.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- He was a local lad, - a year older than me at school.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- His parents were dead too.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- He was strong.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- We were married within three months.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- I came to live with him here.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- His inheritance.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59- I had nothing, apart from some - of my father's plants and books...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- ..and the bed.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- He was desperate for an heir.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- For a son, to carry on the line...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- ..to help on the farm, - to give purpose to life.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20- All the other farms were blessed - with sons to share the burden.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- It was my womb that he wanted.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Wanting a son - became an obsession for Tomos.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- I'm sure he thought - that our failure to conceive...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- ..made him less of a man...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- ..and me less of a wife.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- I couldn't justify my existence - if I didn't produce a son.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- I was on my own, all day.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Time passed.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Stopped.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Slowed down.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I went to lie down, - overcome by pain.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Tomos didn't believe me.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- "It's too soon," he said.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- And it was too soon.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Too soon.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- He had his wish.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- He had a son.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- But things weren't right.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Something was wrong.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- I was being punished.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43- Oh, God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Take me.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- But I beg you, let the baby live.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- The lower half of my body swelled, - and the pain moved...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- ..as if it moved with the baby.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- I pushed out.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- The pain disappeared.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- I heard a cry.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- "We have a baby boy," - said the midwife.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- For an instant, - everything was perfect.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22- The pain had gone, a healthy cry, - and the midwife washed him.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- One tiny instant.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- And then she stood next to me, - holding our son in her arms.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- She put him on my breast.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- I felt something through - the blanket, something strange.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- "Don't be scared," she said. - "But I've had a look.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- "There's a deformity.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- "It's his back and legs."
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Yes, Tomos had a son.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- "Put him under the bed."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Everything went quiet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Tomos had gone.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- I mustered enough strength...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- ..enough strength to get up.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- I got out of bed - and went on my knees.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- I put my son under the bed.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- I've spent my life - trying to understand why.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Why did I obey?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- I've been over and over it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- Analysed it, dissected it, - broken it down, tried to unravel it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- I can't get to it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- I can't touch it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- I don't understand.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- "Put him under the bed.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- "There's nothing else we can do.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- "For the sake of everyone, - put him under the bed."
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- And that's what I did.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- I obeyed.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- How long is a second?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Then I saved him.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- I picked him up off the floor.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- I stayed there with him - as he suckled.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- I cuddled and fed him.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- I looked into his eyes - and imagined the future.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Seeing him grow up, blossoming.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- I was going to name him - after my father...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- ..then I remembered a name - I'd loved years ago.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56- Asa.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- I'd seen it - on one of my father's books.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- "Elements Of Botany" by Asa Gray.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- I didn't discuss it with Tomos.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07- He was mine.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- I saved him, so he was mine.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- It was him that said, - "Put him under the bed."
0:14:17 > 0:14:18- His own son.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Because he wasn't good enough - for him.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Because he wasn't perfect.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- He should come today.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- He should be here soon.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- He should come.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Asa is like me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22- He loves plants, he tries - to understand how they work...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- ..the structure of living things.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- He'd dissected them - ever since he was a boy.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- He'd have bad spells.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Terrible pains - in his back and head.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- I'd take him upstairs, - lay him on his side...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- ..with a pillow between his legs.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- I'd kneel by his bedside - and stroke his forehead...
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- ..stroke his hair, - hoping I was dulling the pain.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- I was glad for the chance - to be close to him.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Asa wasn't strong enough - to go to school.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- I taught him here, in the safety - of the house, kept him close.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24- He was an exceptional boy, - always asking why.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- He was thirsty for knowledge.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- He wanted to know everything.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- For a while, - ours was a small, cosy world.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Then war broke out.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Asa, Tomos and I sat in chapel...
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- ..listening to the minister - encouraging more boys to enlist.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Tomos agreeing.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Asa asking questions, - wanting to know why.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- I was fiercely against it...
0:17:24 > 0:17:25- ..but silent.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- In our war...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- ..there were no words.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Not a word.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Just a cloak of silence.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48- And then the remembrance services - became a part of daily life.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- All those boys, all those sons lost.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Sons like the ones - Tomos had longed for.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- But Asa was alive. - He was exceptional.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- He was growing in the wasteland - his father and I created around him.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- He grew, developed, - changed every day.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- He inspired me - and everyone around him.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Who would have thought it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- I was hoping - Tomos would be called up.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- To leave me and Asa alone.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- It wasn't to be.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- He had essential work to do here.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Tomos, essential.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- I didn't share the bed with Tomos - after the night Asa was born.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- He slept in the small bedroom - on his own.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Asa was next to me - in the big bedroom.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- I'd lie there for hours, - listening to the sounds...
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- ..mesmerized - by the sound of his breathing...
0:19:30 > 0:19:31- ..treasuring every breath.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I tried to understand - how something so poisonous...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- ..could create - something so beautiful.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- I've never experienced - anything close to that bliss.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- LAUGHTER AND CHILD SPEAKING
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- He came to me...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- ..and said that he wanted to sleep - in the same room as his father.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- When I said - I didn't think it was a good idea...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- ..a shadow came over him.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- I remember it well.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- He couldn't understand why not.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- I almost told him everything, - there and then.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- How his father wanted him dead - on the night he was born.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34- How I saved him.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- That he was only alive - because of me.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- That it would be better for him - to stay away from his father.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- But I woke one morning - and the bed was empty.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I heard them through the wall.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- They were talking and laughing.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Sharing a joke.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Sharing a secret.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- He went of his own free will.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- He chose his father.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- VOICES
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- He wasn't fit to live, - according to his own father.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- He didn't want him.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- "Suffocate him, Mari. - He's not fit to live."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- I was pretending to make a broth.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- I'd put everything in a cup - with a little river water.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- I remember - an abundance of daffodils.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- My father had dug up the roots - to replant them somewhere else.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- I saw them, a neat row of roots - lying by the bridge.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- They looked like onions.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- I was in my element.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57- I looked over.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- My father had stopped in his tracks - and was staring at me...
0:23:05 > 0:23:06- ..with an odd look in his eyes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- He was still, like a statue.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- When I looked up again, - he hadn't moved at all.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Then he came alive.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- He ran towards me, grabbed my arm - and dragged me to my feet.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- He took my cup and threw - its contents into the river.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- I didn't understand.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- "Never eat daffodils, Mari. - Do you hear?"
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- That's when I learnt - that the roots were poisonous.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09- How could something so poisonous - produce such a beautiful daffodil?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- It was a mystery to me.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- I pored over the pictures - in Asa Gray's book for hours.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- They showed the inside of the root.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- I tried my best to see the poison.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- But I couldn't find it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- I couldn't see it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- I couldn't forget - the look on my father's face.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- How he hesitated - before he saved me.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47- I saved him.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- I snatched him from his coffin.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- "Suffocate him. Kill him. - Put him under the bed."
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Tomos was a different person - around Asa.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- He came to life in his company.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- They'd roam the fields. - All day, sometimes.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47- I was envious.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- I missed him so much, - I felt physically sick.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- I couldn't wait - for him to return...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- ..to turn back - to the plants and the books.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- He was bright.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- He questioned everything...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- ..and I had to find the answers.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- I learnt in his wake.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- But he didn't want to stay here.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- I couldn't blame him.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- He had to go.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- He had to escape - so that he could breathe.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Tomos feared for him.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Feared he was too weak, but no.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- He was strong. He was full of life.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- I wanted him to go, - but when the day came...
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- ..when the time came - for him to go to college...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- ..the pain was physical.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- I stood here watching him go.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Did I try too hard?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- Did I push him too far?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- I couldn't make him laugh - like Tomos could.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- But I had a duty to fulfil.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- To make sure he grew and blossomed.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- That was my purpose.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- To make up - for the injustice he suffered...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- ..on the night he was born.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31- If he could prove himself, - and show how outstanding he was...
0:28:32 > 0:28:35- ..then maybe I could forget.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41- Those seconds under the bed...
0:28:42 > 0:28:44- ..would cease to be.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16- Mari.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- I won't see autumn.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- I have to talk to him.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- Explain what I did.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46- I did it.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10- I'm going to tell him, today. - I have to.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13- I have to tell him.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18- What should I say?
0:30:20 > 0:30:24- That those seconds - changed everything.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26- Nineteen years.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31- The years have flown by, - but time stands still.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- Tomos is stuck, I'm stuck.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37- Rooted.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- Every birthday rolls into one...
0:30:41 > 0:30:43- ..merging into the moment.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45- That night.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49- I can't fathom what came next, - nor escape from it.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- When he comes...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56- ..what will I say?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03- A second, two, three.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- Perfect.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09- Like the river's waters...
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- ..disappearing - before I can catch them.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- That moment, that perfect moment...
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- ..already far, far away.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21- Many years away.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- And then Tomos.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27- His words.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30- "Put him under the bed."
0:31:33 > 0:31:35- I put...
0:31:36 > 0:31:38- ..my son...
0:31:38 > 0:31:40- ..under the bed.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43- Under the bed!
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- I buried him, before he could - experience life's cruelties.
0:31:49 > 0:31:50- That would be best.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55- Best for who?
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- Was I envious of him?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04- Of Asa?
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- He was my husband's child, not mine.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11- Tomos wanted a son - because I wasn't enough.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- I wasn't enough for him.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17- The disappointment.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24- His little voice.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29- Quiet, at first, under the bed.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- And then it grew stronger.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34- I knew there was a sound...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36- ..but I couldn't hear it.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40- Or I didn't want to hear it.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- I couldn't look at him.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53- I remember.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- The disappointment.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- The shame.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- Did I want him to die?
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- How long was he there, - under the bed?
0:33:13 > 0:33:14- How many seconds?
0:33:15 > 0:33:16- How many minutes?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19- How many years?
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- The crying stopped.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29- For how long?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- For how many seconds was he there?
0:33:33 > 0:33:35- Minutes, years.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41- Fearing he was dead?
0:33:42 > 0:33:45- Or fearing that he was alive?
0:33:48 > 0:33:50- There was a coffin.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- I put my son in a coffin...
0:33:59 > 0:34:01- ..and put him under the bed.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24- What will I say to him...
0:34:24 > 0:34:26- ..when he comes?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- What will I say?
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- You saved him, Mari.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40- You.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00- # Lamentate # - Arvo Part
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- Subtitles by Gwead
0:36:21 > 0:36:21- .