0:00:26 > 0:00:32SIRENS
0:00:32 > 0:00:35He's not going to sell much ice cream going at that speed, is he?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38LAUGHTER ON TV
0:00:45 > 0:00:49PIANO INSTRUMENTAL: Bring Me Sunshine
0:01:22 > 0:01:24DOORBELL
0:01:31 > 0:01:33You're a pair of bloody fools.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35We are.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39He sits in that garden smoking and drinking
0:01:39 > 0:01:42like nothing's happened.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44He had a bloody heart attack, Ern.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- I know, I was there.- And as for you, no visitors.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Didn't I tell you? No visitors?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You did. Quite forcefully.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Whatever this little problem is, don't you be getting him flustered.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- No flustering. OK.- Go on, then.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Welcome to Colditz.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Come on then, son.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15You're supposed to have a terrible moral quandary
0:02:15 > 0:02:16that only I can solve.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I'm not much of an actor.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I've noticed.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Don't worry, Ern, I'll sort you out.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28SHOUTING: Oh, Ern, how could you?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30The milkman's wife?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33That cart's electric. You'll never outrun it with those little legs.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40So, what news from the front?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43They think we're finished.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Well, you've been working.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46That's why they think we're finished.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49What about the BBC?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52They offered me Basil Brush.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Christ.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And our writers have gone.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11May I have Basil's number?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Your writers have gone.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Good. We can do better.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Eric's talking about retirement.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24His WIFE is talking about retirement.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Ern has been offered Basil Brush.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Christ.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Look, John, you know I love the boys,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33but the first series was rough around the edges,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and I can hardly offer a second
0:03:35 > 0:03:37when you don't even have a show to give me.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Look, Bill, no-one's retiring and
0:03:39 > 0:03:41no-one's sticking their hand up a bloody fox.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44All I need is someone who can work out who the boys are on television.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And knock the music hall out of them.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I did hear something interesting.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Go on.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Kenneth Dodd and Eddie.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Kaput.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02He'd never do it.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Why not?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Because better men than you and I
0:04:05 > 0:04:08have tried to get Eddie Braben to leave Liverpool.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09TELEPHONE RINGS
0:04:13 > 0:04:15West Derby, 399.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Eddie! Bill Cotton from the BBC.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Bill! Eddie Braben from the Dingle.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I'm with John Ammonds -
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Morecambe and Wise's producer.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28That's nice. Stops you getting lonely.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Eddie, I need a new writer for the boys.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Sorry, lads.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Not for me.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Why not, Eddie?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Because they're rubbish.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Well, then Eddie, you'd better do something about that, hadn't you?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50It was the BBC.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56They want me to go to London to meet Morecambe and Wise.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59At least they're northern.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01There's the poster.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"At least they're northern."
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Come on, love. I've turned down better jobs than that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That was when you HAD a job.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Told you. I'm going to be Liverpool's inside right.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16You did. But seeing as we have a mortgage to pay
0:05:16 > 0:05:18and you get out of breath going up the stairs,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21maybe we should risk a backup plan.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23We can still afford a modicum of integrity.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Just can't sell my soul, that's all.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30SHE LAUGHS
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And that's what the BBC are asking for, is it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Your soul?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- UPSTAIRS:- Mum! She pinched me!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37No.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42They want me to go down there for a cup of tea.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44But that's how they get you.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Cups of tea.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Well, not me, they don't.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Mum, come here!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56She's not coming because she doesn't care.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Tell you something, Eddie.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10We could never follow Doddie.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Oh, no, never.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- So.- Well, why don't we start by finding some common ground?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'll be honest with you, boys, your act just isn't for me.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Not by a country mile.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yes, that's not exactly what I was hoping for.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- I think what Eddie's trying to say...- No, no, let him speak.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Eddie's a pro. - We'll take it from a pro.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Well, you just go out there and you parrot it out, one after another.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39But you're meant to be a double act.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Where are the characters?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Where's the relationship?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Where's the conversation?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I watch you and I just don't buy it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Sorry, boys.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Well, that's that, then.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Gentlemen, perhaps we should seek more conviving surroundings.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Glasgow Empire.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Total silence. - After all our four sets.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07The manager says, "Can you come back? I think they like you."
0:07:07 > 0:07:08I said, "How do you think that?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"They haven't thrown anything."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Nottingham Goose Fair?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Not a honk all night.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Starting at the bar, going right through the room,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18the biggest roar you've ever heard.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- We milk every moment.- The club secretary takes the microphone
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you probably guessed..."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"..the pies have arrived." Pies!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Pies!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Tell me, boys,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32why isn't THIS your act?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- What?- Why isn't what our act?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36This.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Right. Why don't I buy you for a week
0:07:44 > 0:07:47and you knock out some bits for the boys?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51We won't stop a Northerner getting work.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Here you go, sir.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01British Rail's finest.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Thanks, pal.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08TYPEWRITER KEYS CLICK-CLACK
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Thanks, love.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22So you like them now?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Who, them? Morecambe and Wise?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I wouldn't cross Stanley Park to see them.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Eric and Ernie, though.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33If I can turn THEM into Eric and Ernie...
0:08:34 > 0:08:35..then we might have a shot.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40You're enjoying it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41I'm doing no such thing.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Here you go.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07No.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Sorry, Eddie.- It just...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11It doesn't sound like us.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That was the general idea.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Boys, I've known you since 1954,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22when you couldn't get booked south of Macclesfield.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27And since 1954, THIS is what you've been waiting for.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29This is the show.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Look, why don't we just knock out the first show for now?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Take it from there. Hmm?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Dalgarno Way.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Tomorrow morning, ten o'clock.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Listen for the birdsong.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58CHOIR SINGS: Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit-Bag
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I'm following you, kid.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- You've still got it! - Thanks very much!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Eddie!- Morning.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Community singing. Monday and Thursday mornings.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19We go up there sometimes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- It's like Beatlemania.- Oh, they put their mittens all over us.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Right, then, chaps.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Shall we give it a crack?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Is she grateful?- No.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39She said she'd rather have it in a cup.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40There's no pleasing her.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42You're telling me.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I bought her a nice bottle of wine for our anniversary.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- She said it was plonk.- Wasn't it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I don't know, it was an '83.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49An '83 what?
0:10:49 > 0:10:5283 bottles for 15 and 9.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Give us your brass, son, we'll make it gold.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Eric, he's your pal, isn't he?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Tell HIM the story.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Forget about the audience.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07If Ern laughs, they'll laugh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- That's interesting. - And don't wait for each other.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Who does that? Talk over each other. Make it a conversation.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Well, it's food for thought.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You're talking to that bloke there.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You're not trying to hit the back wall of the Glasgow Empire.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Well, John, we gave it a go.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Just lose the performance is what I'm saying.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Because if we lose that, then we get to you two, you see -
0:11:30 > 0:11:33and there's a magic between you two.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I didn't see it before, but I do now.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41And if we can show that magic to the world, and if he stays upright...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44..well, then, I don't see what can stop you lads.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I don't see what can stop you.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54..let's see you butcher another one, shall we?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Ladies and gentlemen, a very emotional night for me to be here,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07back in Shepherd's Bush. I met my dear wife in Shepherd's Bush.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I thought she was back home with the kids.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12CHUCKLING Oh, bless you. Move about a bit.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Now, I'd rather ponder the great philosophies of life,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19such as why is there only one word for thesaurus?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Poor Barry.- You couldn't warm that one up
0:12:22 > 0:12:23with a flame-thrower.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I don't understand it. They're supposed to be fans.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27They ARE fans. That's the problem.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm scared they think I'm going to go out there and keel over.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33If we don't have that lot to play off, we might as well pack up now.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Change the first line.- What?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Come on, Eddie, that's the cue.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's time to introduce a couple of gentlemen
0:12:40 > 0:12:42who I'd hazard a guess you've come to see.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Change the first line.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Please welcome Mr Eric Morecambe and Mr Ernie Wise!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Knock them dead, boys.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Hey!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Oh, thank you.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Keep going, you fool!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Good evening, and welcome to the show.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03And have we got a show for you tonight!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Ern, have we got a show for them tonight? LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Oh, Eddie.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22We've decided to endure your rubbish for another show.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24See you Monday.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Need a lift, Eddie?- Taxi coming,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42thanks, Ern, then the sleeper back to civilisation.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- Oh, night, Eddie.- Night.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Well done. It was a smash.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47No, it wasn't.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51It was OK.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And it'll only ever be OK until you
0:13:55 > 0:13:57take the laughs your talent deserves.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59There's nothing wrong with being a straight man, Eddie.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Bud Abbott, Stan Laurel.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'll take their company any day.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yeah, but even straight men need character.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Half the time, you're stood there going,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"What did you do then?" or, "What did you say to that?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Eddie, I get 10% of the laughs
0:14:13 > 0:14:14and 50% of the money.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I'm happy with that. I don't need...
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Come on, Ernie!
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Safe journey, Eddie.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Do it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- ERIC AND ERNIE: - What have you got there?- Where?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- There.- Oh, this.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Yes, that.- Oh, this is...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46This is...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50What have you got there?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53DOOR OPENS
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Go on, then.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Come here.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Sorry.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06We're going to the game. And you're going to give
0:15:06 > 0:15:09a passable impression of not thinking about work.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I'm trying to find Ernie.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Well, you'll as soon as find him out there as in here.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25And after the game, would we be going up St John's for chips?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Yeah!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Well, why didn't you say?!
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Come on.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Look.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36My stall always had a queue outside.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39That's because you were busy writing jokes on paper bags.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- They weren't worth the bags.- I know.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I used to read them!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Oh, look who it is!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Our prodigal son returns.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Hi, Patsy. - To think our humble market
0:15:49 > 0:15:52could produce such a giant of literature.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, that's me, Patsy.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56The Shakespeare of the Dingle.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Can we get a hot chocolate?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Have you seen those? - What have you got there?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Where?- There.- Oh, this.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- Yes, that.- Oh, this is the play what I have wrote.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, another masterpiece?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Naturally!- Come on, then.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18ERNIE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Tony kisses Lady Angela's hand and says,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26"I came as soon as I got the letter what you have wrote me."
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Trash. Absolute trash.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Tony can contain himself no longer.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36He whips out his pencil and paper and draws her on the settee.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Refunds on the way out, folks.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"I've never felt such a sensation," says Lady Angela.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"What could it be?"
0:16:44 > 0:16:48"You fool," retorts Tony, "you're sitting on the cat."
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Eric holds out his hand.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Ernie hands him his jotter.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Eric hits him with it,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02then hands it back.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Ernie exits, head bowed.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yes, it's not quite right, is it?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11- No.- No.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14No.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Now HE'S funny and I'm not.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Well, maybe we need to people the scene.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27When my brother used to think he could sing,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30we used to invite everyone round the house to take the mickey.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31You know, friends, neighbours.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Neighbours?- To take the mickey?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- That's not allowed.- Only family can make fun of family.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Bloody northerners, you're so sentimental.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- That's it.- YOU can knock him... - But no-one else!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Where from, Eddie?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- This is the play.- "This is the play what I have wrote."
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Another masterpiece.- Naturally.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Oh, come on, then.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Tony kisses Lady Angela's hand and says,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"I came as soon as I got the letter what you have wrote me."
0:18:02 > 0:18:05No, no, show some respect.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08This is dynamite, Ern! Dynamite!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Tony can contain himself no longer.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14He whips out his pencil and paper and draws her on the settee.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, you're flying now, Ern!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"I've never felt such a sensation," says Lady Angela.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"What could it be?" "You fool," retorts Tony,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"you're sitting on the cat!"
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Ern, you are truly the Leonardo da Vinci and of the Biro.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Thank you, Eric!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31This is my dream, that one day I
0:18:31 > 0:18:33would become part of the national heritage.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Hermitage.- Hermitage!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Ernie exits.- With head held high.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That's it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42THAT'S who we are.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I did have one other idea, boys.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51No chance.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53It doesn't look right, Eddie.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55The closer together you are, the funnier you are.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- That's all Eddie's saying. - This just makes it more intimate.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Well, not intimate.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- No.- It just feels a bit, you know...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Odd.- Oh, come on, boys. We can always cut it.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Of course.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12It was good enough for Laurel and Hardy.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Maybe if I had my pipe.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Hey.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37OK, Maureen, if we just get two ready.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Stay on four. Terry, you ready?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Haven't you got a book?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Nope. I've given up on literature.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's rubbish.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50All of it? What about Shakespeare?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54He's the worst. It's just people falling off castles.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57You must like the Scottish play.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, yes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Brigadoon, classic.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02How about Dickens?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- Have you tried Bleak House? - I might as well.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It can't be any bleaker than this.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Oh, come on, Eric, you know Dickens.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10You told me you had Great Expectations.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well, she couldn't come - washing her hair.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well done, boys.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I thought that came quite close to being almost not bad.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Eric! It was bloody marvellous, Eddie.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Very funny.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Edwin, I'm increasingly concerned that you may be a genius.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Oh, no, I'm just another fruit and veg man with a dream.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Gentlemen, gentlemen,
0:20:33 > 0:20:38we are witnessing the beginning of something truly remarkable.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Who are you, sir?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Eddie.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Going for your sleeper?
0:20:51 > 0:20:52I only get it for the food.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Well, you'd better get used to it.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57The boys want you to stay on board for the series.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Congratulations. - Oh, right, that's, um...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Yeah...
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Thanks, John.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Yeah, I'm made up. - And you should be.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Who else are you bringing in? - No-one. You're sole writer.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You've got the keys to the kingdom, Eddie.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I can't do seven shows on me own.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Eight.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22What I want is a Christmas show that isn't just a chance to mop up the
0:21:22 > 0:21:25leftovers, but a proper special.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Someone we can really get behind.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Bill's giving us a full budget AND coughing up the guest stars.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Oh, very good.- Sounds terrific.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34When are we doing this, then?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Oh, we'll squeeze it in. - We've even got your first guest.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Mr Andre Previn. - Oh, we'll have that!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40- Half-hour?- Hour.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Christ.- Oh, come on, Eddie.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Andre Previn. You'll have some fun with that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Now, there is a slight issue with Previn.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Yeah. The peccadillo.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- No rehearsal.- Unheard of.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oh, come on, boys. Belter of a script.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Has he even read it?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Well, he said he'd read it on the plane.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04I'm surprised he didn't jump out.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Boys, boys, what an honour!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09What fun! I can't wait!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Mr Previn. Have you read the script?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12I LOVE the script.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Love it!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- He hasn't read it. - ALL: No.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22PA: Ladies and gentlemen, we're just two minutes away
0:22:22 > 0:22:23from our live recording. In a moment,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I'll announce the start of the show.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28If you can respond
0:22:28 > 0:22:30with a loud burst of applause, that would be terrific.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35We'll introduce Morecambe and Wise and then we'll be away.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36We may have to...
0:22:44 > 0:22:48APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Mr Previn!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Privet.- Preview.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I can assure you that Eric is more than capable.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Would you jump up in the air?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, I was just thinking...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07..I hope you don't mind me saying.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- ..It's with him and him. - Are you satisfied, Mr Preview?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13..I'm playing all the right notes,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16but not necessarily in the right order.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, this changes everything, Eddie.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28We'll never get enough of them now.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh, we'll never beat that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Well, then, Eric, good night.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Think so? I thought it was rubbish.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Ernie puts on his nightcap while Eric turns out the light.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48It's a bit flat.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Maybe we could get Eric out of the bed for some business at the window.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Let's, um, let's keep going, shall we?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- The hotel booking.- All right, yes.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Ernie is the reception clerk.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Eric enters wearing outdoor clothing.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Good evening, sir. I wonder if you could help me.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14TELEPHONE RINGS
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Eddie. Top work yesterday, old boy, top work.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Listen, before you come back down for the dress,
0:24:21 > 0:24:25the boys feel we could do with starting again on some of them.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- The bedroom sketch.- Mm-hmm.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- And others.- OK.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Bear with me.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37OK, Eddie. You might want to get a pen.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Come on, then.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Come on.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Hey, wait.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Bye, then.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11See you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23TV CRACKLES
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- Never been done. - Think colloquialism.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Oh, no, this is ridiculous, we've seen ventriloquists before.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Oh, no, this is ridiculous, we've seen ventriloquists before.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57His mother was a pole. His mother was a pole!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- There you go.- Merci beaucoup.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08- Johnny.- Yep.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh, I know about art, Eric.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Oh, no, you don't.- Oh, yes. My auntie's got a Whistler.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Oh, what does it play?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Again.- My auntie's got a Whistler.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Does she charge to see it?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Again.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35My auntie's got a Whistler.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- Is it still in tune?- Again.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40My auntie's got a Whistler.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Now, THERE'S a novelty.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Now, THERE'S a novelty.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:01TELEPHONE RINGS
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- John.- The boys feel, and it really
0:28:05 > 0:28:09isn't a biggie - well, I mean, it's a...it's a medium size.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Mr Memory, who won the FA Cup in 1950?
0:28:15 > 0:28:1819 hundred and 50?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It starts with an A.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- COUGHING:- Arsenal.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37The boys feel and, believe me, Eddie,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I dislike these little chats as much as you do.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I've extended my repertoire.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47I've extended my repertoire.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50I've extended my repertoire.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Well, it doesn't show from back here.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Doesn't show from back here.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56LAUGHTER
0:29:01 > 0:29:03- John.- The boys feel...
0:29:10 > 0:29:13- PHONE RINGS - We are close on this, we're ever so close.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16The boys feel...
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I'm afraid we're back to square one.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28The boys feel... The boys feel...
0:29:28 > 0:29:31THE RHYTHMS OF EDDIE'S LIFE CRASH
0:29:31 > 0:29:32PIERCING HIGH TONE
0:29:35 > 0:29:37SILENCE
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Ow!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43See? Told you you had a dad.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Didn't believe me, did you?
0:29:49 > 0:29:51You OK, love?
0:30:09 > 0:30:10Nervous exhaustion.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13- Poor bloke. - He'll have all the time he needs.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16- And we pay to have it.- Absolutely.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19The worst job in the world, that.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Blank sheet of paper.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29All right, so, what is the plan?
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Well, he's already written half the Christmas show.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Cryer and Junkin...fill in the gaps.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Eddie's back next year for the series.
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Hopefully.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41If he doesn't, then we're finished.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- It was funny. - Not as funny as last year.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23You didn't watch it.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25I counted the laughs.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35I could've sworn they said, "Total rest."
0:31:35 > 0:31:37They're inside me, love.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Might as well get paid for it.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45No. This doesn't mean you're ready.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48This just means you're bored.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51It won't be like before.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55How do you know?
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Because John promised me it won't.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07So, it's all agreed, then?
0:32:07 > 0:32:09It won't be like before.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21CHOIR SINGS: It's A Long Way To Tipperary
0:32:30 > 0:32:31Nervous exhaustion!
0:32:31 > 0:32:32That's what he says.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- That's two things.- It is. - He should make up his mind.
0:32:35 > 0:32:36- He can't.- Why not?- He's lost it.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37That's three things!
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- Hey-hey!- Have you got the script, old boy?
0:32:45 > 0:32:46Have you got the scrolls?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48No, I always walk like this.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52That's the one. OK, everyone,
0:32:52 > 0:32:54I will see you at the dress.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- Thank you, Vanessa. - Yeah, such a pleasure.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Mind how you go.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- HORN BEEPS - That's me. Thanks, boys.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Safe home.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Oi, Redgrave, what kind of socialist has a chauffeur?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08A busy one.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I like her. She's good.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Night, boys. See you at the dress.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Night, Eddie.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Evening, gentlemen.- John.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Just a few thoughts for Eddie.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Not like before.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Verity. Can you give us a minute, please, love?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Don't bloody move.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Well, then, boys, the time has come.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Let's get a few extra writers, eh?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Take the pressure off Eddie a bit.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- You haven't called him. - It's a slippery slope, Eric.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58It's not rewrites, John. Not like before.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02No, it's just having him look at every single bloody line.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Because when he does, he always finds an extra joke.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08But what does he have to go through to find it, Eric?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Look, you're going to send him bloody cuckoo again, boys.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12All I'm suggesting...
0:34:12 > 0:34:14The People. "Definition of the week.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17"Television. The box in which they buried Morecambe and Wise."
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Oh, for God's sake, Eric, that wasn't even our show.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21The Daily Sketch. "A flop of a show.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23"The gags were weak and the sketches corny."
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Daily Herald. "Why on earth millions
0:34:25 > 0:34:28"of viewers have to be given this stuff, I just don't know."
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Before Eddie, we were a belter of a live act and a bloody disaster doing
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- anything else.- America...
0:34:35 > 0:34:37That's different. We took 30 years
0:34:37 > 0:34:39to make it and God knows I don't have 30 left.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40That's why we work like we do, John,
0:34:40 > 0:34:42and that's why we ask everyone else to do the same.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44And if there's one more gag there,
0:34:44 > 0:34:46then Eddie Braben'll find it cos he's the best in the bloody game.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48That's why he's our man, no-one else.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50- You can't just turn it on like a tap.- He'll be all right.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52All right?! You're going to bloody kill him.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54I think that's somewhat dramatic, John.
0:34:54 > 0:34:55I'll give you dramatic, Eric.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57- Get extra writers or get a new producer.- Hang on, John.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00I'll tell you what, John, why don't YOU think on that.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Verity!
0:35:12 > 0:35:14- Who wants this?- Me!
0:35:14 > 0:35:16- Me.- Right, here we go.
0:35:16 > 0:35:17It's from the BBC.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19It must be the bonus!
0:35:23 > 0:35:29# Life is just a bowl of cherries
0:35:29 > 0:35:32# Don't make it serious
0:35:32 > 0:35:34# Life's too mysterious... #
0:35:37 > 0:35:39What's this?
0:35:39 > 0:35:43Morecambe and Wise, the nation's favourites without scripts?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45We can't have that!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Thanks, Eddie. We appreciate you having another look.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49- Oh, absolutely.- My pleasure.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52There you go. There's a few gaps for you to fill in.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54- No problem.- That's the fun part.
0:35:54 > 0:35:55Good luck with the show, boys.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58I know I'LL be tuning in.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01# ..to you were just loaned
0:36:01 > 0:36:05# So how can you lose what you've never owned?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08# Life is just a bowl of cherries... #
0:36:08 > 0:36:12- You're under contract. - Then, put me on another show.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Oh, come on, Eddie!
0:36:14 > 0:36:16We just need a new producer to stick between you and the boys
0:36:16 > 0:36:18and smooth this kind of thing over.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21And I've got someone I think you'll like. Ernest Maxim.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23He's very good, by all accounts.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Now you just need a writer.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30What time is your train?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Boys, my boys!
0:36:41 > 0:36:43You know Ernest Maxim.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47Now, he's got an idea I think you'll rather like.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Boys, you're only using half the studio.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- Well, that's the way we like it. - Yes, it keeps it intimate.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55That's fine, you can use the tabs
0:36:55 > 0:36:57and the stage for your curtain work and whatnot, but...
0:36:57 > 0:36:59..where's the magic, boys?
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Eh? You've got 10 million watching
0:37:01 > 0:37:04and they laugh when you get on stage,
0:37:04 > 0:37:06because you got Eddie Braben telling you what to say, so...
0:37:06 > 0:37:09..so why not dazzle them on top of that?
0:37:11 > 0:37:14Full orchestra. Chorus line.
0:37:14 > 0:37:1610-, 15-minute musical numbers.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18A little Hollywood, boys.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22These new televisions send 25 frames a second, so...
0:37:22 > 0:37:24..let's give them something to bloody send.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28What do you think, Eddie? I'm afraid
0:37:28 > 0:37:32it will mean less pages for you to write, and with the musical numbers,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35the boys'll have less time to chip in on the script.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39I suppose we could give it a go.
0:37:39 > 0:37:40Boys?
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Ernest?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46That's everything I've ever wanted to do.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Terrific.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50No.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Sorry, gentlemen. It's not us.
0:37:53 > 0:37:54It's not what we do.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Gentlemen, could you give us a minute, please?
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Right.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Couldn't do it, could you?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Couldn't do it.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19It's not what we do, Ern.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Where've I heard that before, Eric?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Oh, what is it, Ern, what's wrong?
0:38:25 > 0:38:28America.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29America?
0:38:30 > 0:38:32America.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Oh, America.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36The Ed Sullivan Show.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Bing Crosby and Bob Hope and us.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41I didn't like it, Ern.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44I know you didn't, Eric. I know you didn't.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46- But- I- liked it, didn't I, Eric?
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- I- liked it.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51They didn't want us, Ernie. They wanted a version of us.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54That's all anyone's ever wanted, Eric.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55All we do is versions.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59- All we are is versions.- Can you say sidewalk instead of pavement?
0:38:59 > 0:39:00Elevator instead of lift?
0:39:00 > 0:39:02We didn't, though, did we?
0:39:02 > 0:39:03No chance.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Would that've been so hard, Eric?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Say sidewalk instead of pavement?
0:39:07 > 0:39:09And elevator instead of lift?
0:39:09 > 0:39:11That've been such a great sufferance for you, Eric?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13We don't change for anyone, Ern.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Yes, we bloody do!
0:39:15 > 0:39:181954, BBC Manchester. John asked you
0:39:18 > 0:39:20if you could refine your accent a bit.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22- You started talking like the Queen. - That's different. That's elocution.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25You had us wearing fedoras to look like Abbott and Costello.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27- That's costume. - You stopped us singing.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Then it was JUST singing. Then it was only singing as a joke.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31I'm talking about the fundamentals, Ernie.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I never changed the fundamentals.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35You changed your bloody name!
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- Apart from that.- You've changed the act 100 times, Eric.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40100 times, when it suited you.
0:39:40 > 0:39:45Just not in America, cos you didn't want to be there.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47- I never...- I want to do this, Eric.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I want the musicals and the magic and the Hollywood.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53And I tell you, Eric, I tell you,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55I'm doing it and you're not bloody stopping me.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Oh, oh, that's a hell of a show you'll have there.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Ernie Wise dancing on his own.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01You'll have to pay them to come in.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Ern.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Ern.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20I heard a story once.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24..that after your heart attack...
0:40:24 > 0:40:27..Ern went out...
0:40:27 > 0:40:29..worked for six months on his own...
0:40:30 > 0:40:32..and sent you half the fees.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38He did.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40He's a good lad, it's not about that.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41I know it's not.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45It's fear.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57MUSIC: There Is Nothing Like A Dame
0:40:59 > 0:41:03# We got sunlight on the sand We got moonlight on the sea
0:41:03 > 0:41:05# We got mangos and bananas... #
0:41:05 > 0:41:08MUSIC: Singing In The Rain
0:41:11 > 0:41:14# I'm singing in the rain... #
0:41:14 > 0:41:18MUSIC: In The Mood by Glenn Miller
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Psst.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Don't let him frighten you.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31But if Caesar finds out about us,
0:41:31 > 0:41:35- I'll lose me pension and me gold watch.- All men are fools.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38And what makes them so is having beauty like what I have got.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44It's glorious. It's just, it's glorious.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47- Very good. Thank you, Glenda. - Thank you, Eddie.
0:41:47 > 0:41:48Yeah. Absolutely.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Right, so, on we go with...
0:42:00 > 0:42:02I see that Angela Rippon's on your Christmas show, Mr Braben.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05How the hell do you know that?
0:42:06 > 0:42:08- MUSIC: The Stripper - Walk down, that's it, lovely.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10A bit of morning action.
0:42:11 > 0:42:15Lovely. Right, Ern, get rid of the bread. Here we go. And...
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Bread! In!
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Bread! In!
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Down! Eric to the cupboards...
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Lovely, here we go.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26And...cupboard, cupboard!
0:42:26 > 0:42:30Cupboard, cupboard! Now, get ready with the eggs, here we go.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- Eggs over to...- Ah, so this is it!
0:42:33 > 0:42:35- The front line.- Hello, Bill.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38- Are you lost? - Christ, what a bloody awful...
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Glad to see the public's money is not being wasted.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Oh, yes, and we bring our own lunch.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47Not today, you're not. We are celebrating.
0:42:47 > 0:42:4915 million viewers.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51I've never seen anything like it, boys.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54You're getting a thousand letters a week.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56And that's just from Des O'Connor!
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Harold Wilson wants to come on.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00- Get off!- You'll have some fun there, Eddie.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03- And we're trying to get Sinatra. - Oh! That's the one.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06- Hang on.- Omnibus want to do a behind-the-scenes documentary.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08And the Palace want a private performance.
0:43:08 > 0:43:12- For the corgis?- We won't perform for dogs.- Never again.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14No, for the whole Firm, boys.
0:43:14 > 0:43:15- The whole Firm.- Apparently,
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Her Maj has moved Christmas lunch to watch the show.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Stop!
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Can we just have a moment to enjoy
0:43:24 > 0:43:28what we've done, before we start talking about the next thing?
0:43:28 > 0:43:30I can't leave the house without people asking,
0:43:30 > 0:43:33"Who's going to be on the Christmas show?" And it's only bloody March.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Is it? I better take my tree down.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38I'm serious, Eric.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40It's just a television show.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43What's this constant need to make it bigger and bigger and bigger?
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Why can't it just be what it was?
0:43:45 > 0:43:48I write the jokes, you tell them, then we all go bloody home.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52The Queen, the Prime Minister, documentaries.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55That's not why we do this, is it?
0:43:55 > 0:43:58I mean, it's just, it's madness is what it is.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01It's total bloody madness.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03I'm just saying it's out of control.
0:44:03 > 0:44:07And we need to stop it or otherwise where does it...?
0:44:08 > 0:44:11It's just a television show.
0:44:11 > 0:44:16Eddie. It stopped being just a television show along time ago.
0:44:16 > 0:44:20It doesn't belong to us any more, Eddie. It belongs to them out there.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22It's not ours to stop.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27I'm sorry, boys, I have to go home.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30- Eddie.- Eddie. - No, no. Go to your hotel room.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32I have to get on with the script. We're ten pages short,
0:44:32 > 0:44:34we haven't got a flat sketch and
0:44:34 > 0:44:36Christ knows what the opening's going to
0:44:36 > 0:44:38be because nothing's jumping out.
0:44:38 > 0:44:40I need to go home.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48Good evening, and welcome to the show.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01Come on.
0:45:05 > 0:45:07Come on.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Come on. Come on.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Come on.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17Come on.
0:45:23 > 0:45:24Eddie?
0:45:24 > 0:45:26- VOICES ECHO:- Ladies and gentlemen...
0:45:26 > 0:45:27..their mittens all over us.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30Give us your brass, son, we'll make it gold...
0:45:30 > 0:45:32It gives me the utmost...
0:45:32 > 0:45:35CHAOTIC VOICES
0:45:42 > 0:45:45PIERCING HIGH PITCH
0:45:45 > 0:45:46EDDIE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:45:48 > 0:45:50ERIC'S VOICE SKIPS: We'll never beat that.
0:45:51 > 0:45:5415 million viewers...
0:46:01 > 0:46:03LAUGHTER >
0:46:08 > 0:46:10Finally!
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Have you got the script, old boy?
0:46:15 > 0:46:16Hey!
0:46:26 > 0:46:29- Are you setting out, Patsy? - What are you doing, Eddie?
0:46:29 > 0:46:33- Sleepwalking?- Can I help you set up?
0:46:35 > 0:46:36Please, Patsy.
0:46:39 > 0:46:40Of course you can, Eddie.
0:46:42 > 0:46:43Course you can.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Eddie?
0:47:29 > 0:47:32The doctor says he's worse than last time.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36- I- don't know. When he's ready.
0:47:36 > 0:47:38IF he's ready.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46CHOIR SINGS: By The Light Of The Silvery Moon
0:48:15 > 0:48:18You're not going back there, Eddie.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22You'll find something else, but you're not going back there.
0:48:24 > 0:48:25Liverpool inside right?
0:48:25 > 0:48:28- Don't be daft.- I know.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31I don't look good in shorts. The Kop would rip me to shreds.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34Stop it, Eddie. Just stop.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Life can't always be a joke, not always.
0:48:38 > 0:48:40I know, love.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44Just trying to stay the right side of this.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50Cos it's no fun being on the wrong side.
0:48:52 > 0:48:53It's no fun at all.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05- Cat burglar.- No!
0:49:08 > 0:49:10You're not working nights again.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16- Astronaut!- All that travelling?
0:49:16 > 0:49:19You don't like crossing the Mersey.
0:49:20 > 0:49:25Yeah, but suppose I got up there and I found alien life.
0:49:25 > 0:49:28I could sell all me jokes again.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31Well, I could sell anyone's jokes.
0:49:31 > 0:49:35Doddie's. Chic Murray's. Tommy's.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38- MIMICS TOMMY COOPER: - She looked at my palm, she said,
0:49:38 > 0:49:41"Your future looks black." I said, "Hang on a minute, love,
0:49:41 > 0:49:43"I'm still wearing my gloves."
0:49:50 > 0:49:52You'll find something else.
0:50:03 > 0:50:07I hope you two have joined the Writers' Guild.
0:50:11 > 0:50:13DOORBELL
0:50:18 > 0:50:20Can I interest you in double glazing?
0:50:30 > 0:50:35Eddie, we are doing one more Christmas show for the Beeb.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38And then, well, between us...
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Talking to ITV.
0:50:41 > 0:50:45Aw, boys. They'll have you flogging carpets in the breaks.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47It's a lot of money, Eddie.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50And I haven't got long left to work.
0:50:50 > 0:50:54Things aren't great. Ticker, you know.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57I'm starting to think I won't make the Olympics.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00This is it. The last Christmas.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05The expectation, Eddie.
0:51:05 > 0:51:09- It's too much. - What the show means to people.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12I know, boys.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14That's the problem.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17That's MY problem.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19The thought of doing this without you, Eddie.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21Oh, it's terrifying.
0:51:22 > 0:51:26- So...- Can we endure your rubbish for another show?
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Please.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38I'm sorry you came all this way.
0:51:44 > 0:51:48PIANO INSTRUMENTAL: Bring Me Sunshine
0:51:53 > 0:51:55PIANO ABRUPTLY STOPS
0:51:58 > 0:52:01You know, on bad days,
0:52:01 > 0:52:05I look out there and I watch people go to work and I think,
0:52:05 > 0:52:07"That's the life."
0:52:07 > 0:52:11Clock in, clock out, home for tea and a good night's sleep.
0:52:11 > 0:52:16- Eddie.- But on good days, I think, "Look at those poor buggers,
0:52:16 > 0:52:20"off for another day at a job they didn't choose."
0:52:20 > 0:52:26And then I imagine maybe one or two are thinking,
0:52:26 > 0:52:29"At least Morecambe and Wise is on tonight."
0:52:29 > 0:52:31Then I think that...
0:52:31 > 0:52:35..maybe if we can give them a laugh at the end of the day...
0:52:36 > 0:52:39..then we've made things a little bit better.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43I'm just a fruit and veg man from
0:52:43 > 0:52:45St John's market who wrote jokes on paper bags.
0:52:48 > 0:52:51But what a thing to have done, love.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53What a thing.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57And now it needs an ending.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04Then, write one.
0:53:08 > 0:53:13MUSIC: Little Bitty Pretty One by Thurston Harris
0:53:27 > 0:53:29I remember the first time you stuck your head out this window.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31Blew your wig off.
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Landed in that garden down there,
0:53:33 > 0:53:36a little old lady came out and gave it a saucer of milk.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41Oh.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45Do we have to leave?
0:53:45 > 0:53:47I told you.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50We have to leave, we have to progress.
0:53:51 > 0:53:52Tell you what.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56We've had a few laughs in this place, haven't we?
0:53:56 > 0:53:58We certainly have.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00"Car beeps."
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Right, that's it, Eric.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04The car's here.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06Time to go.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14Well, that's it, Eric.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16The car's here.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18Time to go.
0:54:23 > 0:54:24Eric?
0:54:38 > 0:54:40Oh, Braben.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45You...bugger.
0:54:51 > 0:54:52Right.
0:54:55 > 0:54:57Right.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01Welcome to the show, bit of business with the sign, through the curtains,
0:55:01 > 0:55:03introduce the guest stars, swap Christmas presents.
0:55:03 > 0:55:06- That's it.- Tap, ball change, tap, ball change.
0:55:06 > 0:55:07Tap, ball change, step and slide.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09It will be one for the ages, boys.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14Aye-aye, Eddie. Your taxi's here.
0:55:15 > 0:55:16I, um.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18I just wanted to wish you boys good luck.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Lovely to see you, John.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22You stay for a drink? After?
0:55:23 > 0:55:25I'd love to.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27BELL RINGS
0:55:27 > 0:55:30Right, well, we should probably leave you to it, boys.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32- Have a good one.- Right. - Break a leg.- We'll try.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34Knock 'em dead, boys.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37Oh, um, hang on, Eddie.
0:55:37 > 0:55:40You know, Eddie, my mother brought me and Ernie together.
0:55:40 > 0:55:4227th of November 1940.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44- She saw us mucking about on a train. - Thought we would make
0:55:44 > 0:55:47- a good double act. - She got that wrong.- Terribly so.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50- She said we'd wind up doing one of two things.- Making it...
0:55:50 > 0:55:52BOTH: ..or digging roads.
0:55:52 > 0:55:55So, on behalf of the nation's roads, thank you.
0:55:55 > 0:55:56You made us, Eddie.
0:55:56 > 0:55:58You made us.
0:55:58 > 0:56:00Aye.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02You did.
0:56:05 > 0:56:08It was nothing but an honour, boys.
0:56:12 > 0:56:13BELL RINGS
0:56:13 > 0:56:16- Now, bugger off.- Right.
0:56:16 > 0:56:17Let's do it.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
0:56:40 > 0:56:43LAUGHTER
0:56:46 > 0:56:49APPLAUSE
0:56:58 > 0:57:03# Bring me sunshine in your smile
0:57:04 > 0:57:09# Bring me laughter all the while
0:57:10 > 0:57:14# In this world where we live
0:57:14 > 0:57:17# There should be more happiness
0:57:17 > 0:57:20# All the joy you can give
0:57:20 > 0:57:23# To each brand-new bright tomorrow
0:57:23 > 0:57:27# Make me happy through the years
0:57:29 > 0:57:31# Never bring me any tears
0:57:36 > 0:57:37# Let your arms
0:57:37 > 0:57:41# Be as warm as the sun from up above
0:57:42 > 0:57:45# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine... #