0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Robyn, I'm a nurse.- You are not a midwife and you are not well.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09New look, videos... Do I need to get a restraining order?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12You know... I just want to be a surgeon.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- You're giving birth! Think about it!- You think about it!
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Go on!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- There's something wrong.- Um...
0:00:22 > 0:00:26- There's something wrong. - Robyn, no, don't. Robyn!
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Come on! Robyn!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:01This has to be the best day of my life.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I'm going to meet you for the very first time.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Hi! Thanks for coming.- It's fine.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I can't wait to meet her!
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I totally forgot. Did she have hair? Was she totally gorgeous?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Well, let's go and find out. But should you be out of bed so soon?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, I'm fine. Come on, let's do this.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Robyn, this unit... It's pretty full-on, you know?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- You've got to be prepared. - She's alive and she made it.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35That's all that matters.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47MONITORS BEEPING
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Is it Robyn? Have you got a name for her?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- I was going to tell her first. - Let me know.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I'll just run through her chart. Her main problems are her sats.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07- They've been fluctuating.- Can I just see her?- Oh, I assumed you'd want...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Wow!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13There she is.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, Duffy, she's lovely!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19My little girl!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21So sweet.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Can I hold her?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I'm sorry, it's only touching at the moment.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You have scrub-washed to the elbow, removed all jewellery,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29no nail varnish? Good.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36This is Miriam Kelling. 84 years old, end-stage lung cancer.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39She is having palliative therapy after chemo and radiotherapy.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Found in acute respiratory distress with haemoptysis and
0:03:43 > 0:03:49aspirated blood. GCS 14, BP 140 over 90, pulse 85. Sats 89%. 100% oxygen.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And she's on a diamorph syringe driver.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Her daughter changed her mind when we got there,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57but Miriam was so distressed, we had to bring her in.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00OK, can we get suction, please, Louise. OK, Miriam.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You're in hospital, all right? Try to stay calm.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Mum, I'm here with you!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- It's OK. - SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Nurse, stop, stop, please! Stop, now, please!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Please, don't!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It could sell really quickly.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And they're sending us stuff to look at.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Are you sure you don't mind? - We've waited long enough.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Robyn's on cloud nine, Charlie.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28It's like she's pretending everything's normal.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- That's her way of coping.- Or not.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33That's what worries me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48It's the first time I've been able to touch her.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Hello, Charlotte.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56My little sweetheart.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00That's lovely, Robyn.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Charlie for short, of course.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ring Max, would you?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Tell him to bring some of her nice little dresses.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Oh, it's probably a bit early... - I want them here.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Ready and waiting.- You need to keep trying for your milk, Robyn.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Your baby's tummy's so small that just
0:05:15 > 0:05:17a few drops would make all the difference.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She's just so perfect.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- Mum didn't want this.- Has your mum made an end-of-life plan?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Yes, to die at home with me, not here in a hospital.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Did she formalise that in writing?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Look, I've cared for her, I'm speaking for her.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Do you not believe me? - SHOUTING
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Can you shut these animals up?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Do you expect her to die here in this mayhem?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Pin point pupils. She's very knocked off.- OK, here's what happens.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52She's not dying here with all these drunks and strangers in this madhouse.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Please, I just need you to stabilise her and just let me take her home.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58OK, going home at this point, Neeve, is not an option.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01But she's dying! What's the risk?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Just let an ambulance take her, please.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Dying here is just an awful, stupid mistake.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- I'm sorry, we can't move her. - I tried to tell them.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I begged them, but because I phoned them, they had to take her in.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15They couldn't just leave her. You must not blame them.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It's not about them! It's not about you! It's about my mum!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- It's about my mum! - SHE SOBS
0:06:25 > 0:06:27KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Hey. I managed two meals. I'm just about to feed her now.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33That's great, Robyn.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Hey.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Hey, Charlie.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- Did you bring the clothes? - She'll have to pile on the pounds.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47- You are hopeless! You brought the wrong ones.- I brought the blanket.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Here we go, baby girl.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Let's have some peace and quiet, shall we?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- It's a bit early for visitors. - Yeah.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58OK, Robyn, time to slowly put your colostrum into the feeding tube.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Take a photo, Max.- Of that?- Yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Do you want to wait until there's a bit less kit in the way?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08No. I want all the gang to see her.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11And start an album on Facebook, put a few pictures up.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Is her nursery finished yet?- Nearly.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16We could have a little party to welcome her home.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20OK.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26SUCTION AND GURGLING
0:07:26 > 0:07:28She's drowning in her own blood, Neeve.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31We can't stand by and watch that happen.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- OK, prep drugs for an RSI. - Cal?- Just a last resort.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- I can't let her suffer. - No! Don't put her on a machine!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Please, no, don't! Please! - Cricoid pressure, if and when I say.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- She doesn't want this! - She's not breathing, Cal.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I may still need to intubate.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47It's OK, Mum.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49It's OK.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52She's still not breathing.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06SWITCHES OFF MACHINE
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I'm really very sorry, Neeve. Take all the time you need.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14There's nothing more we can do.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Time of death, 22:36.- I'm sorry.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22SHE SOBS
0:08:26 > 0:08:31It was your job to let her die. You had to put her through all this!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Neeve...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Cal.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Make sure you write up the notes very carefully.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Ah, there we go.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- Good girl. - MACHINE BEEPS, BABY WHIMPERS
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Maybe I tweaked a wire, or something.- What's wrong?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- All babies cry, Max. - Excuse me. Thank you.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Sorry about meeting on the hoof, Robyn.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Mr Barling. Jonathon.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Jude?- Small temperature drop.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Could be environmental, or the beginning of an infection.- What?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Since when?- It happens. Very common in prems.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21They have very little immunity.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I hoped we'd be going home soon.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Probably best not to make too many plans.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Wasn't supposed to be like this.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46After all we've been through, it just seems so awful,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49so wrong, so...unfair.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00(Come on.)
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Prems don't like being touched much.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Just try speaking to her. She knows your voice from the womb.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Except it's not my voice she's hearing now, is it?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15She's weak, Robyn. It may be best to leave her right now.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19So, what happens next? What sort of infection is it?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21We'll do some tests and reassess her in a few hours.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- She's only just started feeding. - Yeah, except now she's stopped.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29What about her sats, what about her resp rate? Come on, I'm an ED nurse.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32But not neo-natal. It's a very different discipline, Robyn.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And strictly speaking, mums don't wear aprons.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I'm sorry, but you know the score, it's just about who does what.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Urgh!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Urgh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54MOBILE RINGS
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Robyn?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58All right, slow down.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00No, she's busy.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Wait.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I'll come up.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- I'm going to use my break to go up to NICU.- Course. Robyn OK?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I think she feels they're not listening to her.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Does she want me to talk to them? - No, it's fine.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Give me a minute and I'll go. - No, no. You shower and change.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I've got it.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- She does need dealing with, Cal. - Mm-hm, that's why she's here.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- I called her in.- Oh. Good. OK.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Well, tread carefully. Finesse her, charm her, see her off.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Patient complaints on an application for surgical training, Cal,
0:11:52 > 0:11:53not a beautiful thing.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Yup.
0:11:59 > 0:12:05- They're all so up themselves. - Well, Jonathon's a one-off.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10How many surgeons do you know who do ward rounds all day long?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12He paces himself, emotionally.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14He has to.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And you have to try and do the same thing.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22And you have to stop fretting.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Go and get some sleep.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27How can I? Things happen and they don't bother to tell me.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Robyn, we've had an inquiry about your baby,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31but we need your permission before we can answer.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- It's your friend, David Hide.- No!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- No, not my friend. He's not... - All right, don't get upset.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41You don't tell him anything, OK? You tell her why, Charlie.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Robyn, don't do this. - I need to see him. Where is he?- No.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- No, that's not a good idea.- Charlie! I need you to stand by me!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53For once in your life, will you just stop being so reasonable!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Look at them. Low level, suppressed rage.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Everyone, everywhere, don't you feel it?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Huh? We're all prisoners. Everyone's hostile. The anger simmers.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Look at you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- I'm not angry. - But you're one step away.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Worried to see me, under pressure. - Right. Well, I called you in because you were angry.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- No, you called me in because you thought I was going to make a complaint.- I'd like to explain...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21You'll defend it till the end, don't you just long to be honest?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Your mum was suffering, Neeve. We had to do what we could.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26My mum was 84, Cal. She had cancer.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28The doctors threw all they could at her.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Chemo, more chemo, radiotherapy, drugs, and the false hope of what?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Yes, but your mum knew her choices.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Someone had to have the courage to say to her that life isn't always everything.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You were the same, you were on autopilot.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You tried to save a woman who was trying to die.
0:13:46 > 0:13:52No, no, I was trying to save her from further suffering. It was never an attempt to prolong her life.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Cal!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56For goodness' sake!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Ms Kelling, I just wondered if I could have a moment with you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Yes, well, enough of your passive aggressive, highly toxic charm.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05I'd like to make a complaint.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Robyn? - Duffy, where's David?- Robyn, stop.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Where is he?- Come to Charlie's office.- I need to see him.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22- Is he here?- He was ill, Robyn. You know, he was ill.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23And now, he's on the Psych ward.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26So, he's here in Holby? Thank you, that's all I need to know.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Don't even think about it!- Tucked up nicely, is he? Being looked after?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Tackling his anxiety, taking the edge off every stupid,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36dangerous, unforgiveable thing he's ever done?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I need to see him. I need to tell him what a total and utter git he is.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- No, Robyn.- He doesn't give a second thought about me.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- As for ringing about my baby... - Robyn, please.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- He doesn't even give a toss if I'm dead or alive!- He'll be exhausted.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He'll probably be fast asleep.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Ah, lucky him!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55OK. Can we all get back to work, please?
0:14:55 > 0:15:01- Robyn, listen, you're OK. Charlotte's fine.- Not fine, Charlie!
0:15:01 > 0:15:06Not fine! She's six weeks early and in intensive care, living on wires!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Everything she's going through is because David stopped his
0:15:10 > 0:15:12meds and he knew how crazy that was!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13He lied to us all. He lied to me.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16And worse, I should have realised it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17It wasn't your fault.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Before him, I picked a bloke who thought it was OK to leave me at the altar.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24So when my little girl asks about her daddy, I can say,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"Well, he didn't give a damn about us either! In fact, I don't even know if he's dead or alive!"
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Don't try and stop me!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Charlie!- He's sedated! He won't be remotely himself.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36He may not even recognise you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- This is not the time.- Robyn?
0:15:38 > 0:15:43The unit have called and they need you back up there. It's urgent.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48What's going on?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We need to run tests to get on top of the source of the infection.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54We've been trying to take blood. I just need you to calm her for me.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- What difference am I going to make?- A great deal. Trust me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01BABY CRIES
0:16:08 > 0:16:12# Hush, little baby, don't say a word
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird... #
0:16:16 > 0:16:18CRYING STOPS There. See how she responds?
0:16:18 > 0:16:23# And if that mockingbird don't sing
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring... #
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Her heart rate slows and her BP drops.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32That's special.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Only a mum can do that.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39# And if that diamond ring turns brass
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass. #
0:16:47 > 0:16:49(There we go.)
0:16:49 > 0:16:50(OK. Good girl.)
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Sh, good girl.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06OK, I'm going to make this work.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Sod it, I'm a nurse and that's got to count.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I'll work with them for my little girl. You'll be OK, Charlotte.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I'll make a difference. I promise.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25This is no good, Robyn.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Staying up all the time when your rest is so important.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I've got to know how to ask the right questions.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Be there for her. I'm all she's got.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36We feel so alone.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Look...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44When you get out,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47why don't you come and live with me and Charlie for a bit,
0:17:47 > 0:17:52so you can get settled and have some extra support for Charlotte?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- You've only just moved in together. - Oh, come on. We're hardly teenagers.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03That's really kind. It helps me feel that this is all possible.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- But don't you need to ask Charlie? - Course not.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Not for you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- OK.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Good.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- KNOCK ON DOOR - Yeah.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- Oh, Robyn, I'm so sorry, but... - I won't keep you.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31But please, I need to know exactly what you're doing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34If you're thinking sepsis, the source could be anywhere.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Meningitis, pneumonia, gastroenteritis...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39We're not ruling anything out. The blood cultures may help.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You must be thinking NEC's a possibility.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Currently, there isn't any sign of necrosis of the gut on the
0:18:46 > 0:18:49X-rays or the scans.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Now, I'm sorry, Robyn, but I'm due back in the unit.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56You do crazy hours, you doss down in your office. That's huge.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59No other surgeon does that.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It tells me that you care.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Please, include me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Jude.- You're needed for the handover review, Mr Barling.- So what?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- We just wait for her to get worse? - Or better.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14At this stage, it's very much a waiting game.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18All right, don't give yourself a hernia. I'm going.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Hi. Can I speak to Mrs Beauchamp, please?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29No, it has to be her.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I'll wait.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I was dealing with that man in a suit. Tell them.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Neeve, tone it down a bit, will you, love?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40You tone it down, you jobsworth van driver.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43And here's me thinking we were getting on really well.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Neeve? What happened?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48She's fallen approximately 4ft off a ladder at home and dislocated
0:19:48 > 0:19:52her left shoulder. We found her wandering around on a driveway.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53GCS 14. No other injuries.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56She's had 5mg of morphine and I reckon
0:19:56 > 0:19:59a fair amount of self medication prior to the fall.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- SLURRING:- I should have walked. Much less painful.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, Robyn.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Poor you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19How can I help?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I'm worried they're not doing enough.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24OK. Um...
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Well, that's good. As a mother, you know, voice your concerns.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31But give yourself time to think.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37But as a medic,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40you have to consider when enough is enough and when to say no.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I don't even want to think about that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45You have to. Things happen fast in neonates.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50And it's awful watching your child go to hell and back.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Medicine's far from black and white. You've got to challenge it.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02- Right. Do you have her notes, then? - Yeah, but, um...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'll speak to the team for you, shall I?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08They're trying to save her life. I don't want to fall out with them.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Robyn, this is your life and your daughter's life.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I know you've had...
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Well, I know you're having a terrible time, Mrs Beauchamp...
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Connie, please.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24But this, my baby, is different.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Let's hope so.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- So, would you like me to read her notes?- Maybe it's best if I do that.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I'm the one that's here all the time and it's the mum's job.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You've helped me see that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I really am so sorry for you, Connie.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56You take care.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12She's over there.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- Neeve, you must not leave your cubicle.- It's so tragic, dying here.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21So crass. Stupid. Totally wrong.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Right. Well, one dislocated shoulder and too many whiskies.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Can we go back to the cubicles, please?
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Just shove it back with gas and air. Just do it, please.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Call yourself a doctor?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Right. Well, you might have a fracture, so you need an X-ray.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Yeah, but you need a lawyer.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42This used to happen all the time. I played rugby.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Right, fine. Let's get you back on the bed, then.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Ah.- Come on.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52There we go.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Entenox, please.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Thanks.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Lie back down.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05So, rugby, yeah?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yeah.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I was the fastest, best-looking scrum half ever.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I've made a complaint, by the way.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Yeah, I'm aware. OK, deep breaths.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Ride the pain.- Just do it. Get on with it, please.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30There you go. Well done.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33That feels good.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Could Mum still hear me? Did she know that I was fighting for her?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Yeah. Yeah, she could. She would have known.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I thought I'd done enough.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53How could I know what was going to happen?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What are you talking about, Neeve?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I did what I had to do.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Neeve.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Neeve, come on.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Neeve!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Neeve, come on!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Right, Mrs Fairhead. Take a look at this.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Sun room,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23big garden,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- open-plan kitchen.- Ah, Charlie. We might have to delay this.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- But you said it was important. - It was.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It is. But listen,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I've suggested that Robyn brings Charlotte back to live with us,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40just for the first stage, just for a few weeks.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42You don't mind, do you?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- How many weeks?- I don't know.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50- Look, if you've got a problem, you'd better say.- No, of course not.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- It's just, I mean...- And you'll let the estate agents know?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Yeah.- Yeah. Thanks.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Yes, that's right. Miriam Kelling.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Yeah, it's on the 27th.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Right. So, are you her GP?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Great.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Well, she died here and I was just wanting to check on the
0:25:14 > 0:25:15dosages of her diamorphine.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Her breathing's got much worse. - Her diaphragm's elevated.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22It means her lungs are compromised.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- Will she need an operation?- An op on a baby this small is a big deal.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30We'd never subject her to that, unless we were certain.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33But more immediately, Robyn, we may have to consider ventilating her.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36What? Hang on, why would you?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I'm suggesting we do this electively, rather than...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41But her blood gases, they've not been that bad.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44They're borderline. It may be best to play it safe.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45If we intubate her,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49it'll give her less work to do and make her generally more stable.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52If she's sedated, it's harder to monitor how she's coping.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55It's a trade-off.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It's such a big decision. What if she never comes off it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02There are always worst-case scenarios. And nothing's definitive.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05If it was essential, you wouldn't be asking me, would you?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09We can review it shortly, Robyn. I'll go with your decision.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I want you to wait.
0:26:24 > 0:26:30# This is to mother you
0:26:30 > 0:26:35# To comfort you and get you through
0:26:36 > 0:26:42# Through when your nights are lonely
0:26:42 > 0:26:48# Through when your dreams are only blue
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# This is to mother you. #
0:27:05 > 0:27:08ALARM BEEPS
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I just don't think...
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I don't think I can do this.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47SHE SOBS
0:27:53 > 0:27:55FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING Robyn?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Robyn? KNOCKING
0:28:00 > 0:28:03He's intubating her?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06I need a smaller ET tube, 2.5, please, bag her.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09This is all my fault. We should have done this earlier.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12There's no fault, Robyn. We made a decision together.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Please, baby girl.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Come on, please.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Please.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Please.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Shouldn't you be researching a delightful ITU nurse who
0:28:37 > 0:28:41showed a transparent interest in you only earlier today?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Advice noted.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44With thanks.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Seriously, Cal, stay well away from this one.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Noted.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Goodnight, Maestro.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Good girl, baby Charlotte.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02It's OK.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05You're in.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08It's OK, Robyn. Her breathing's safe again. She's back.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Right. No more delays.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Let's get her straight down to theatre.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17If you could sign this, please?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19You said surgery wasn't necessary.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22It has to be NEC, Robyn. This confirms it. She went off so fast.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25It'll perforate if we don't get there first.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I've researched this. Read your papers.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Nearly half of the babies that go to surgery don't make it.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33And half live. You have to stay strong, Robyn.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- Robyn...- Leave me alone!
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- Duffy, we need to talk. - MOBILE RINGS
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Oh. Just a minute, sorry.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Hello?
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Um, yeah, yeah. OK. I'll be right up.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10They're prepping Charlotte for theatre. So I'm going up.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14- You can spare me.- Just, about Robyn. About her staying.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- Yeah?- Well, don't get the wrong idea...
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- I am trying really hard not to.- OK.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:30:38 > 0:30:41LOUD MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE
0:30:41 > 0:30:44KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Neeve?
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Neeve, I know you're in there. Can you come and open the door, please?
0:31:06 > 0:31:07Robyn?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Oh, love.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Please, don't. Thank you for your invitation.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19- But I couldn't possibly accept. - Hang on.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22No, she's too ill and Max would be gutted.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30# Since you went away
0:31:30 > 0:31:35# The days grow long
0:31:35 > 0:31:39# And soon I'll hear... #
0:31:39 > 0:31:42You were trying to tell me something back at the hospital.
0:31:42 > 0:31:43About your mum.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45I want to help.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
0:31:50 > 0:31:56Neeve. Your mum's behaviour didn't match the prescribed dosage.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58She was too knocked off.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04- Please, tell me what happened. - So I don't sue you?
0:32:04 > 0:32:08So you don't torture yourself for the rest of your life.
0:32:08 > 0:32:09I ruined her life.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15- We all have guilt about our parents somehow.- No, I'm adopted.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19I went looking for my birth mum.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22I was really stupid, clumsy, hurtful,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25and I just broke poor Miriam's heart.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28We didn't speak for years.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32And then, when I came back and found her dying...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Now, I just miss her beautiful soul.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41Did you ever get to meet your real mum?
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Yeah, I met her in a pub.
0:32:43 > 0:32:48And I had her eyes and her smile and her laugh and she saw it too
0:32:48 > 0:32:52and she... She said, "Nice to meet you.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56"Spare me the long-lost daughter routine," and that was that.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59I...
0:32:59 > 0:33:02I went to look for my birth mum too.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06And so the wounded find each other.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07Yeah.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13She was done, Cal. She wanted to die, she begged me.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15It was the least I could do.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20And I just massively upped her diamorphine and it killed her.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25So just go on. Do your job.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Report me.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I don't care any more.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Hey.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38MOBILE RINGS
0:33:49 > 0:33:52FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Hey.
0:33:54 > 0:33:55Come up.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59There you go.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Neeve, how much have you had?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Nothing. Nothing to drink.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08HE SNIFFS
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Squeeze my hand for me.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Neeve, try and squeeze my hand.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20LULLABY PLAYS
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Thank you.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- Where's Robyn?- I don't know.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42It may just be too much for her, so I'm scrubbing in to observe.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- That's really not appropriate. - I don't care.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49Forgive me. But I am a senior midwife.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51And I can understand what you're doing and I need to be able
0:34:51 > 0:34:55to tell Robyn exactly what is happening to Charlotte.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Thank you.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Have you taken these? Neeve, how many have you taken?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12- SLURRED:- Don't remember.- Neeve.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13Neeve?
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Right, we need to get you to the hospital.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20We need the antidote.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21Stay with me.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Robyn...
0:35:27 > 0:35:31It's OK, isn't it? Bringing her back here?
0:35:31 > 0:35:34I mean, I know she'll need quiet and everything super clean, so...
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I wouldn't worry about it. She... She might not even make it here.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Robyn.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41When I first found out I was pregnant,
0:35:41 > 0:35:45I thought about having an abortion, I really did.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49And now I wish I had cos anything would have been easier than
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- losing her like this. - Don't say that. Come on.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56No, sorry, cos mums aren't supposed to say things like that, are they?
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Everything's supposed to be so wonderful and even when it's not,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02they're still supposed to say the things that everybody wants to hear.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06- Right, you get the wine. - You get the glasses.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07Robyn...
0:36:13 > 0:36:17I can't go back, Max. I can't face it.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Yeah, but you have to.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22You have to.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24I can't. If she lives or dies,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I can't face any of it.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Great. So, you're doing what your mum did to you.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Don't you dare!
0:36:35 > 0:36:37No, come on.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40She left you when you needed her most.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42And you said that hurt goes on and on.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46And now, your little girl is fighting for her life and
0:36:46 > 0:36:49you're doing exactly the same thing to her.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- She doesn't know if I'm there or not.- So, be there,
0:36:53 > 0:36:55when she pulls through.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03Maybe my mum left because it was just too hard.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08And maybe she went on regretting it for the rest of her life.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10It's up to you, Robyn.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18We have a problem.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21There's much more necrotic tissue than we thought.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24It's extensive and close to perforation.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I'll have to cut that section out completely.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32It means we have to abandon the laparoscopy and open her up.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40'Please, please, please.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42'Please, please, please.'
0:37:46 > 0:37:50The ambulance delay's too long, so I'm going to get you in myself.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52CAR UNLOCKS
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Stay awake for me.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Take deep breaths.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03As I'm driving... Listen, while I'm driving, I want you to count for me.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05OK?
0:38:07 > 0:38:08OK.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12Baby has significant blood loss due to friable tissue.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Weigh those swabs, please.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16This is why she's losing BP.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19We'll need plasma. Quickly, please.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21And IV dopamine to get the BP up.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Ah. Right. More swabs here, please.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29We've got a much bigger problem. The bowel has just perforated.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Clamp, please.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Suction. Hold it closed. Quickly.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Try and stay awake for me, Neeve. Breathe, OK?
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Charlie, I've got an opiate OD. She's very flat.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49I'll get a trolley, a bag and an airway.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52We need that BP up or I will have to stop this surgery.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56Keep going with the plasma and blood.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00That extra dopamine should have kicked in by now.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03OK, we're there. We're good.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Good.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Ah. That's better.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11Bleeding's slowed right down. OK.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Now the hard bit.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16Charlotte has extensive necrosis,
0:39:16 > 0:39:21so I've had to remove a lot of gut and I can't join the ilium
0:39:21 > 0:39:24back together because the tissue needs time to recover.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28So I'll have to fix a stoma and do an end-to-end anastomosis at
0:39:28 > 0:39:30a later date.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36It's gone as well as it could have.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40We'll get her sewn up and back in recovery as soon as we can.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45But...be realistic with her, Duffy.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Please.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Has it perforated?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00She's going to get peritonitis?
0:40:00 > 0:40:03She's on heavy-duty antibiotics already, Robyn.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08And they've got to it right away. John Barling is the best.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10And the stoma's only temporary.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15She's going to be OK, though, right? I mean, she will be, right?
0:40:17 > 0:40:21She has to get through the next few hours. She's through the worst.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25And she's a little fighter.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29I just want to hold her close.
0:40:31 > 0:40:35- Has she vomited more than once? - Yeah, twice on the way in.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39Can we get 400 micrograms of Naloxone ASAP, please?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Come on, Neeve. Stay awake. Come on.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Come on, you mad Scottish person. Get angry! Sing!
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Right, Neeve. This should wake you up.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:40:54 > 0:40:57All right.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Am I dead?
0:40:59 > 0:41:03- Not unless you've taken us with you. - Ah, I made it to hell, then.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Look, Neeve, this is very important.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Charlie, can you give us a minute?
0:41:13 > 0:41:15OK, you need to tell me the truth.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18- Did you do this deliberately?- No.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22No, I'm too frightened of dying. I just needed to sleep.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24I just needed to shut it all out.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26I got it wrong again.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29- So you weren't trying to...?- No.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33No, I need to... I need to see out my plight.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36I need to face the consequences.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Neeve.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42You've spent your whole life not knowing why the mother that
0:41:42 > 0:41:45carried you gave you away.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47I know what that does.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50And of course you went looking.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54Sometimes we get stuff wrong.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56It's your job to report me.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03Look, Miriam was on big doses of morphine.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07And will have developed a very high tolerance.
0:42:07 > 0:42:13So, the truth is, we'll never know the exact cause of death.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15She asked me to make it stop, Cal.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19And you've put yourself through hell because of it and probably
0:42:19 > 0:42:23always will. What good would it do if I made that worse?
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Forgive yourself.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Forgive yourself for all of it.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34So the wounded heal each other, eh?
0:42:35 > 0:42:39Maybe you'll stop telling me what a useless doctor I am.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Maybe.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Maybe that's another thing I got wrong.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58MONITORS BEEP
0:43:20 > 0:43:21Hey. You OK?
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Yeah.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Ms Kelling, she's obviously slightly bonkers, so you don't need to
0:43:26 > 0:43:30worry about that one, even though you completely ignored my advice.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33- I acted on pure instincts and as it happened...- Instinct and audacity,
0:43:33 > 0:43:36all well and fine in the chaos department,
0:43:36 > 0:43:40but reckless line crossing - sorry, no room for that in surgery.
0:43:49 > 0:43:52She's waking up, Duffy.
0:43:52 > 0:43:56- She's fighting the tube. What do I do?- I'll get Jonathon.
0:43:56 > 0:43:58She's fighting it.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01It must be her gag reflex.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Yes, that's good.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12She's really alert, already.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14All right.
0:44:14 > 0:44:18Let's just see if we can manage without this, eh?
0:44:18 > 0:44:19Shall we?
0:44:19 > 0:44:22Right. Gently.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25- She's deciding for herself. - She's rejecting it.
0:44:28 > 0:44:30She's rid of it.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Oh, my darling girl! That's it!
0:44:32 > 0:44:37- You have a big, big cry.- Her BP's back up.- She's going to make it.
0:44:37 > 0:44:42- Charlie.- Charlie, she's through the worst of it.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44She's breathing by herself and her BP's stable.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46That's really wonderful.
0:44:48 > 0:44:49Listen, Robyn.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52Please.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Duffy and I would really love for you and little Charlotte to
0:44:55 > 0:44:57come and stay.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02It's as important for us as it is for you.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04We mean it.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09When she woke up, I realised how much I...absolutely love her.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13I hadn't dare to before,
0:45:13 > 0:45:16but I've finally let myself.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Thank you.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35Really.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37- So much.- Hey.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40It's my job.
0:45:40 > 0:45:44No, it's my daughter, it's my whole life.
0:45:53 > 0:45:57So much more than your job, yet you push this away, don't you?
0:45:57 > 0:46:00It's what makes what we do worthwhile.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02It's what makes what I do so hard.
0:46:04 > 0:46:08This department, Robyn. We're on the edge of life itself.
0:46:08 > 0:46:12There are so many deaths, so many grieving parents, it's easier...
0:46:12 > 0:46:18No, it's essential that I just work with my patients.
0:46:18 > 0:46:23With the babies, but...thank you. You were right
0:46:23 > 0:46:25to remind me.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28Why this job?
0:46:28 > 0:46:31It was the challenge at first. The medicine.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35And then it got real.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40But there's another reason.
0:46:40 > 0:46:44They were all prem babies and, yeah,
0:46:44 > 0:46:47that's me.
0:46:50 > 0:46:56Duffy, I love you. And I want what you want.
0:46:56 > 0:47:01Because our love is not just the romantic thing.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05It's bigger, it's more grown-up than that.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07You are the sweetest man alive.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14So bring on the sleepless nights.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17They're family, aren't they?
0:47:17 > 0:47:19Our family.
0:47:21 > 0:47:22Hey, guys!
0:47:22 > 0:47:25I'm sorry you can't come up to see us,
0:47:25 > 0:47:29but she's doing really well...now.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31My brave little daughter. Charlotte.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38There she is. Having a little sleep.
0:47:38 > 0:47:43- Cos it's hard work having an uncle like Max.- Aw!- She's beautiful.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49She can't wait to meet you all, guys.
0:47:49 > 0:47:50ALL: Aw!