0:00:02 > 0:00:04TARDIS THRUMS
0:00:11 > 0:00:13FOGHORN BLARES
0:00:20 > 0:00:21What?!
0:00:23 > 0:00:24WHAT?!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26SHIP'S BELL RINGS
0:00:31 > 0:00:32What?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER AND CONVERSATION
0:01:04 > 0:01:07STRING VERSION OF "Jingle Bells" PLAYS
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Ri-i-i-ght...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- OVER TANNOY: - 'Attention all passengers.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50'The Titanic is now in orbit
0:01:50 > 0:01:55'above Sol 3, also known as Earth, population - Human.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas!'
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Orbit, nice and steady.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Good work, Mr Cavill.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57And maintain position.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Now then, gentlemen, according to the traditions of the planet below,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Christmas is a time of celebration.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I think you might be entitled to a tot of rum.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Just the one!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Off you go.- Sir.- Sir.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'll keep watch.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Sir.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And you, what was it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Midshipman Frame, sir.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Only just qualified, sir. First trip out!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Then you can stand down, Midshipman.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38But, erm...
0:03:38 > 0:03:44Regulations say the bridge has to be staffed by two crew members at any one time, sir.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Well said. Very good!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Well, it should be nice and quiet.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It's only a Level 5 planet down below -
0:03:54 > 0:03:56they don't even know we're here.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Silent night, I believe they call it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05A silent night.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Max Capricorn Cruiseliners,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17the fastest, the furthest, the best.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20And I should know, because...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23my name is Max!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28# Sleigh bells ring Are you listening
0:04:28 > 0:04:31# In the lane Snow is glistening... #
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Merry Christmas, sir. - Merry Christmas.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39# We're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland
0:04:39 > 0:04:47# Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is a new bird
0:04:47 > 0:04:50# He sings a love song As we go along
0:04:50 > 0:04:55# Walking in a winter wonderland... #
0:04:55 > 0:04:59It's not a holiday for me, not while I've still got my vone,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03now do as I say and sell!
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Evening, Passenger 57, terrible memory, remind me, you would be?
0:05:09 > 0:05:15- IN ROBOTIC VOICE: - Information. Heavenly Host, supplying tourist information.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Good! So, tell me, cos I'm an idiot, where are we from?
0:05:20 > 0:05:28Information. The Titanic is en route from the Planet Sto in the Cassavalian Belt.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33The purpose of the cruise is to experience primitive cultures.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Titanic, erm, who thought of the name?
0:05:37 > 0:05:43Information. It was chosen as the most famous vessel of the Planet Earth.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Did they tell you why it was famous?
0:05:45 > 0:05:51Information. All designations are chosen by Mr Max Capricorn,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54President of Max... Max... Max... Max...
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Max... Max... Max....
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- Oops! Bit of a glitch. - Sorry, sir, we can handle this.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Max... Max... Max....
0:06:01 > 0:06:03HOST POWERS DOWN
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Software problem, that's all, leave it with us, sir. Merry Christmas!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12(That's another one down, what's going wrong with these things?)
0:06:13 > 0:06:15That's eight of them now, on the blink.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20One woman asked the Host to fix her necklace, it almost broke her neck.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21In first class!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I've been over the robotics, nothing.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26It's like something's got into them, some kind of bug.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Whoa, wait, wait.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Over there, bay 15!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Tell you what, if you can't fix them, throw them overboard.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41< Over there on the left.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46GLASS SMASHES
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh, for Tov's sake, look where you're going!
0:06:48 > 0:06:52This jacket's a genuine Earth antique!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- I'm sorry, sir. - You'll be sorry when it comes off your wages, sweetheart!
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Staffed by idiots! No wonder Max Capricorn's going down the drain!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Careful! There we go.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Thank you, sir, I can manage. - I never said you couldn't!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- I'm the Doctor, by the way. - Astrid, sir, Astrid Peth.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Nice to meet you, Astrid. Merry Christmas!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Merry Christmas, sir. - Just Doctor, not sir.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21- You enjoying the cruise? - Um, yeah, I suppose, I dunno.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It doesn't quite work, a cruise, on your own.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- You're not with anyone? - No, no, just me, just, er...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Used to be, but, erm...
0:07:32 > 0:07:33No. What about you?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Long way from home, Planet Sto.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Doesn't feel that different.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Spent three years working at the spaceport diner,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43travel all the way here, and I'm still waiting on tables.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47No shore leave?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50We're not allowed, they can't afford the insurance.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I just wanted to try it, just once...
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I used to watch the ships heading out to the stars. And I always dreamt of...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- It sounds daft. - You dreamt of another sky.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05New sun,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08new air, new life,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10a whole universe teeming with life.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Why stand still when there's all that life out there?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22So...you...travel a lot?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24All the time. Just for fun.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Well, that's the plan, never quite works.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29You must be rich, though.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Haven't got a penny.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34(Stowaway.)
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Kidding?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Seriously!- No!- Oh, yeah!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40How'd you get on board?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Accident! I've got this sort of ship-thing,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I was just rebuilding her, left the defences down,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48bumped into the Titanic, here I am.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Bit of a party. I thought, why not?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- I should report you.- Go on, then.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I'll get you a drink.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00(On the house.)
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Just ignore them.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- Something's tickled them. - They told us it was fancy dress.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Very funny, I'm sure. - They're just picking on us
0:09:19 > 0:09:22because we haven't paid. We won our tickets in a competition.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27I had to name the five husbands of Joofie Crystalle in By The Light Of The Asteroid!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30D'you ever watch By The Light Of The Asteroid?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Is that the one with the twins? - That's it! It's marvellous!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37But we're not good enough for that lot, they think we should be in steerage.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Oh, can't have that, can we?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Did you do that?- Maybe.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Oh, we like you!- We do!
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I'm Morvin Van Hoff, this is my good woman Foon.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Foon! Hello! I'm the Doctor. - I'm going to need one,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00time I've finished with that buffet.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Have a buffalo wing!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05They must be enormous, these buffalo, so many wings!
0:10:07 > 0:10:13- OVER TANNOY:- 'Attention, please, shore leave tickets Red 6-7 now activated, Red 6-7...'
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Red 6-7, that's us!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Are you Red 6-7?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Might as well be!- Come on, then!
0:10:21 > 0:10:22We're going to Earth!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31BEEPING
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Seems to be power diverted to deck 31, sir.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It flared up, then it stopped.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42Nothing to worry about, she's an old ship. Full of aches and pains.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Picking up a meteoroid shower, portside, bearing west 56, north 2.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Fairly standard in this part of space. Miles away.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52We could probably see it, sir.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Red 6-7, Red 6-7, this way, fast as you can.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- I got you that drink. - And I got you a treat! C'mon.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Red 6-7, departing shortly. - Red 6-7, plus one.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Er, quickly, sir, please, and take two teleport bracelets, if you would.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- I'll get the sack.- Brand new sky!
0:11:15 > 0:11:20To repeat, I am Mr Copper, the ship's historian,
0:11:20 > 0:11:26and I shall be taking you to Old London Town in the country of Yookay.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Ruled over by Good King Wenceslas.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Now, human beings worship the great God, Santa,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37a creature with fearsome claws
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and his wife, Mary.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45And every Christmas Eve, the people of Yookay go to war with the country of Turkey.
0:11:45 > 0:11:51They then eat the Turkey-people for Christmas dinner. Like savages!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Excuse me, sorry, sorry, but...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57um, where did you get all this from?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Well, I have a first-class degree in Earthonomics. Now, stand by.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And me! And me! Red 6-7! >
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Take a bracelet, please, sir.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08But hold on, hold on... What was your name?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Bannakaffalatta!
0:12:10 > 0:12:13OK, Bannakaffalatta, but it's Christmas Eve down there,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17late-night shopping, tons of people, he's like a talking conker...
0:12:17 > 0:12:22No offence, but you'll cause a riot, cos the streets are gonna be packed with shoppers and parties and...
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Oh.- Now, spending money.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30I have a credit card in Earth currency, if you want to buy trinkets
0:12:30 > 0:12:36or stockings or the local delicacy, which is known as beef,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40but don't stray too far, it could be dangerous!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Any day now, they start boxing.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46It should be full. It should be busy, something's wrong.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48But it's beautiful.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Really?!
0:12:51 > 0:12:56D'you think so? It's just a street. The Pyramids are beautiful, and New Zealand...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59But it's a different planet! I'm standing on a different planet!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01There's...concrete!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03And shops! Alien shops!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Real alien shops!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Look, no stars in the sky!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10And it smells... It stinks!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, this is amazing! Thank you!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Yeah?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Come on, then, let's have a look.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Hello, there, sorry,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23obvious question, but... where's everybody gone?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Oh, ho, scared.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Right, yes, scared of what?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Where've you been living?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31London! At Christmas!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Not safe, is it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Why?- Well, it's them! Up above.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Look, Christmas before last, we had that big bloody spaceship. Everyone standing on the roof!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And then last year, that Christmas Star,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49electrocuting all over the place, draining the Thames.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- This place is amazing! - And this year, Lord knows what.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57So everyone's scarpered, gone to the country.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00All except me, and Her Majesty.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04'Her Majesty the Queen has confirmed that she will be staying in Buckingham Palace
0:14:04 > 0:14:07'throughout the festive season, to show the people of London,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09'and the world, that there's nothing to fear.'
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Gawd bless her.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13We stand vigil.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Well, between you and me, I think Her Majesty's got it right.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21As far as I know, this year, nothing to worry about.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Then again...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I was in mid-sentence!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Yes, I'm sorry about that,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36bit of a problem...
0:14:36 > 0:14:37If I could have your bracelets?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Apologies, ladies and gentlemen and Bannakaffalatta,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43we seem to have suffered a power fluctuation.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45If you'd like to return to the festivities,
0:14:45 > 0:14:52and on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners, free drinks will be provided.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Thank you. >
0:14:53 > 0:14:56That was the best. The best.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01What sort of power fluctuation?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10That's a bit odd, sir.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12The meteoroids are changing course.
0:15:12 > 0:15:18- Still. We can put the shields up to maximum, just in case. - As you were, Midshipman.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Sir?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27You're magnetising the hull, sir. It's drawing the meteors in.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- COMPUTER: - 'Port turning earthside...'
0:15:30 > 0:15:34I take it that's deliberate? Bit of a light-show for the guests?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Something like that.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# You shouldn't be here What's your tale
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# I ought to throw you to the whale
0:15:45 > 0:15:51# He just smiled and said Come here, let's dance
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# He said, borrow or steal I'll find a way
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# To be with my lover upon Christmas Day
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# And I'll run and I'll roam I'll cover the ground
0:16:00 > 0:16:04# This Christmas I'll see you I'll be around... #
0:16:05 > 0:16:10'And I should know because my name is Max.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15'The fastest, the furthest...
0:16:16 > 0:16:17'..the best.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20'My name is Max.'
0:16:39 > 0:16:42SPEAKING TUBE WHISTLES
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'Captain? There's a meteoroid storm coming in...'
0:16:44 > 0:16:46West zero by north two.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Who is this? - Never mind, check your scanners!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51You've meteoroids coming in and no shielding!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54You have no authorisation, you will clear the comms at once.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Yeah? Just look starboard!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57If you could come with me, sir.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02But he's right, sir, the shields HAVE been taken offline.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Step away from there. - But we have to re-energise, sir.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I said step away, Midshipman.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You've got a rockstorm heading for this ship, and no shields!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- They promised me old men. - I'm sorry, sir?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23On the crew.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sea dogs. Men who'd had their time.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Not boys.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Listen to me! This is an emergency!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Get to the lifeb...!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I'm sorry, sir, it's my duty.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42GUNSHOT
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Look out the windows!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01If you don't believe me, check the shields yourself!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Sir, I can vouch for him!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Steward, he's just had a bit too much to drink.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Something's wrong, all the teleports have gone down. - Not now!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- COMPUTER:- 'Oxygen membrane holding. Oxygen membrane holding.'
0:18:18 > 0:18:22You, there. Has anyone checked the external shielding?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Information.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26You are all going to die.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Where's the Chief Steward?! - He went that way, sir.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49The shields are down, we're going to get hit!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- You're gonna kill us... - I'm dying already.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Six months.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01And they offered me so much money...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05..for my family.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Oi, Steward! I'm telling you, the shields are down!!
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Listen to him, listen to him!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'Max Capricorn...'
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Darling, come and have a look at this.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18'The fastest...'
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- COMPUTER:- 'Red alert. Red alert.'
0:19:24 > 0:19:25'..the furthest...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31'..the best...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33'..the best...'
0:19:40 > 0:19:43SCREAMING
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Help me! Help me!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Everybody, just please stay calm!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17< My foot!
0:20:18 > 0:20:19My foot!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Help me!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Sh!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52It's stopping.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55SHIP CREAKS
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You all right?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I think so.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Bad name for a ship.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Either that, or this suit is really unlucky.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Ladies and gentleman, and Bannakaffalatta...
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I must apologise, on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- We seem to have had a small collision.- Small!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- D'you know how much I paid for my ticket?!- If I could have silence.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
0:21:29 > 0:21:30QUIET!
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Thank you. I'm sure Max Capricorn Cruiseliners
0:21:35 > 0:21:38will be able to reimburse you for any inconvenience.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- But first, I would point out that we're very much alive...- Doctor!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45..it is, after all, a fine and sturdy ship.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48If you could all stay here,
0:21:48 > 0:21:49while I ascertain
0:21:49 > 0:21:54the exact nature of the...situation.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Don't open it!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- COMPUTER:- 'Oxygen shield stabilised.'
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Everyone all right? Astrid? Foon?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Morvin, Mr Copper?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Bannakaffalatta?- Yes.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- You, what was your name? - Rickston Slade.- You all right?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29No thanks to that idiot.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32The steward just died!
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Then he's a dead idiot!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35All right, calm down!
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Just stay still, all of you, hold on...
0:22:42 > 0:22:45What happened? How come the shields were down?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I don't think it was an accident.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50How many dead?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53We're alive. Just focus on that.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I will get you out of here, Astrid.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I promise. Look at me.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I promise.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Good. Now, if we can get to reception,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I've got a spaceship tucked away, we can all get on board and...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- Oh-h-h.- What is it, what's wrong?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- That's my ship, over there.- Where?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16There, that box, that little blue box.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- That's a spaceship? - Oi, don't knock it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- It's a bit small.- A bit distant.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27Trouble is, once it's set adrift, it's programmed to lock on to the nearest centre of gravity.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28And that would be...
0:23:29 > 0:23:30..the Earth.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Don't just stand there, get this thing off me!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Host! That's an order! Help me! That IS your job, isn't it?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Information. We now have only one function.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58And what's that?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Information. To kill.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What are you doing?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Host! I'm ordering you, stop it!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Stop it, right now!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Deck 22 to the bridge. Deck 22 to the bridge...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19'is there anyone there?'
0:24:19 > 0:24:20This is the bridge.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Oh! Hello, sailor! Good to hear you! What's the situation up there?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Erm...we've got air...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31The oxygen field is holding. But the Captain...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33He's dead.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39He did it, oh, my Vot, he took down the shields...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41There was nothing I could do, I tried, I did try.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43All right, stay calm, what's your name?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Midshipman Frame.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Nice to meet you, sir. What's the state of the engines?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50They're, um...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52HE GASPS
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Hold on...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58HE GROANS IN AGONY
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Have you been injured?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I'm all right...
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Oh, my Vot. They're cycling down.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That's a Nuclear Storm drive, yes?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- 'Yeah.'- The moment they're gone, we lose orbit?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12The planet...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Oh, yes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17If we hit the planet, the Nuclear Storm explodes
0:25:17 > 0:25:18and wipes out life on Earth.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29I need you to fire up the Engine Containment Field and feed it back into the core.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31That's never gonna work!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'Trust me, it'll keep the engines going'
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- till I get there.- We're gonna die!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Are you saying someone's done this on purpose?
0:25:38 > 0:25:39< We're gonna die!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41OK, OK, just hush! First things first.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44One, we're gonna climb through this ship.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48B - no, two - we're gonna reach the bridge.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Three, or C, we're gonna save the Titanic.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53And coming in a very low four, or D,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57or that little "iv" in brackets they use on footnotes - why?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Right, then! Follow me.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Hang on a minute, who put you in charge?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03And who the hell are you, anyway?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I'm 903 years old, and I'm the man who's going to save your lives
0:26:16 > 0:26:18and all six billion people on the planet below.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You got a problem with that?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- No.- In that case...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28allons-y!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Careful.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Follow me.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58It's rather ironic, but this is very much in the spirit of Christmas.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01It's a festival of violence!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05They say that human beings only survive depending on whether
0:27:05 > 0:27:09they've been good or bad. It's barbaric!
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Actually, that's not true, Christmas is a time of peace and thanksgiving and...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Oh, what am I on about? My Christmases are always like this!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Ah, we've got a Host!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Strength of ten!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26If we can mend it, we can use it to fix the rubble.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28We can do robotics! Both of us!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We work on the Milk Market back on Sto, it's all robot staff.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33See if you can get it working.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Let's have a look...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- It's blocked.- So what do we do?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- We shift it.- That's the attitude!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Rickston! Mr Copper! And you, Bannakaffalatta...
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Look, can I just call you Banna? It's gonna save a lot of time.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54No! Bannakaffalatta!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58All right then, Bannakaffalatta, there's a gap, in the middle, see if you can get through.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Easy! Good!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04CRASHING
0:28:05 > 0:28:08This whole thing could come crashing down!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Oh, Rickston, did you get that message?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- No, what message?- Shut up.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Bannakaffalatta made it!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I'm small enough, I can get through.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Careful.- I'm fine.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25Thing is, how are Mr and Mrs Fatso going to get through that gap?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28We make the gap bigger. So start!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Hey, hey! Come on, sweetheart.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Don't listen to him.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36No, but it's all my fault, though.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40- The tickets. - We won them, fair and square.- I know.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I never told you...
0:28:42 > 0:28:46I dialled the competition line 5,000 times.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50That's 5,000 credits, I might as well have paid for the tickets.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55I've been hiding the vone bill for months now.
0:28:55 > 0:28:565,000 credits?
0:28:58 > 0:29:02- You spent 5,000 credits? - Don't hate me.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15What's so funny?
0:29:15 > 0:29:175,000?
0:29:18 > 0:29:23- We'll never pay that off.- I know! We'll have to work for 20 years!
0:29:23 > 0:29:24You mad bloody woman!
0:29:25 > 0:29:27You're not cross?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Does it matter?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Well, look at us!
0:29:31 > 0:29:32You drive me barmy!
0:29:34 > 0:29:39I don't half love you, Mrs Van Hoff. C'mere.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46RAUCOUS LAUGHTER >
0:29:46 > 0:29:48What happened, did they find a doughnut?
0:29:48 > 0:29:53I can clear it from this side, just tell me if it starts moving!
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- Bannakaffalatta, what's wrong?- Sh!
0:29:58 > 0:30:00- What is it?- Can't say.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Are you hurt?
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Ashamed.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- Of what?- Poor Bannakaffalatta!
0:30:09 > 0:30:10You're a cyborg!
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Had accident.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Long ago. Secret.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19No, but everything's changed, now!
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Cyborgs are getting equal rights.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24They passed a law, back on Sto, you can even get married.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26Marry you?
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Well, you can buy me a drink first!
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Come on, let's recharge you.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Just stay there for a bit.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41- Tell no-one.- I promise.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44What's going on up there?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Oh, I think Bannakaffalatta and I just got engaged.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50HE LAUGHS
0:30:50 > 0:30:53SPEAKING TUBE WHISTLES
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- This is the Bridge. - This is kitchen number five.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01How many of you are there?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Six of us. Just about. Are we the only ones left alive, sir?
0:31:04 > 0:31:06No, there's more on deck 19...
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Hold on, if I reverse the scanner...
0:31:09 > 0:31:14There's 50, 60 people, still alive all over the ship, hold on...
0:31:14 > 0:31:18I can see you! Kitchen five, there you are!
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Listen, everyone's heading for the bridge,
0:31:21 > 0:31:24don't go portside, there's no air, can you head starboard?
0:31:24 > 0:31:28We're stuck, the doors have sealed, we can't get out.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29No, wait a minute.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31It's opening!
0:31:32 > 0:31:34There's someone on the other side!
0:31:38 > 0:31:42Host, we've got Host! The Host are still working!
0:31:42 > 0:31:44That's brilliant, tell them to clear a path to the bridge.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Did you get that?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Kitchen five, report.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Hello, kitchen five?
0:31:54 > 0:31:58SCREAMS AND SHOUTS
0:31:58 > 0:31:59Report!
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- Almost done!- Good, good, good!
0:32:01 > 0:32:02- Mr Frame, how's things?- Doctor...
0:32:02 > 0:32:06I've got life-signs all over, but they're going out, one by one.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08What is it, are they losing air?
0:32:08 > 0:32:13No, one of them said it was the Host, it's something to do with the Host.
0:32:17 > 0:32:18It's working!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21- Kill...- Turn it off, turn it off!
0:32:21 > 0:32:22..kill, kill, kill,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25kill, kill, kill, kill...
0:32:25 > 0:32:27- Go!- Morvin!
0:32:27 > 0:32:29It's frozen, can't stop it!
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Won't work... double deadlock!
0:32:31 > 0:32:33..kill, kill...
0:32:33 > 0:32:35- Go upstairs!- Run!
0:32:35 > 0:32:39Information. Kill, kill, kill, kill...
0:32:41 > 0:32:43- Rickston! Get them through! - No chance!
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- Rickston! - I'll never get through there!
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Yes, you can, let me go first.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55The Host have gone berserk! Are you safe?
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Kill, kill, kill...
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- No, I'm stuck! - Come on! You can do it!
0:33:13 > 0:33:14It's gonna collapse.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Rickston, Vot damn it, help me!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- No way!- Morvin! Get through!
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Kill, kill...
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Doctor, he's stuck.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Mr Van Hoff, I know we've only just met but you'll have to excuse me.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Got you! Doctor, come on! Get through!
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Information override! What's the origin of your command structure?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- I can't hold it!- Information deck 31.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Thank you!
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Let go!
0:34:06 > 0:34:10Morvin, look! Food!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- Oh, great, someone's happy. - Don't have any, then!
0:34:14 > 0:34:17SPEAKING TUBE WHISTLES
0:34:15 > 0:34:17- Mr Frame? Are you still there? - Yes, sir.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20But I've got Host outside, I've sealed the door.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23They've been programmed to kill, why?
0:34:23 > 0:34:26That's not the only problem, Doctor.
0:34:26 > 0:34:31I had to use a maximum deadlock on the door. Which means...
0:34:31 > 0:34:33no-one can get in.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36I'm sealed off.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37Even if you can fix the Titanic,
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- 'you can't get to the bridge.' - Yeah.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Right. Fine! One problem at a time. What is on deck 31?
0:34:43 > 0:34:47That's down below, it's nothing...
0:34:47 > 0:34:50It's just the Host Storage Deck, that's where we keep the robots.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53But what's that? D'you see?
0:34:53 > 0:34:56That panel of black,
0:34:56 > 0:34:59it's registering...nothing. No power, no heat, no light.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03- 'I've never seen it before.' - 100% shielded, what's down there?
0:35:03 > 0:35:05I'll try intensifying the scanner.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Let me know if you find anything.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09And keep those engines going!
0:35:09 > 0:35:10Saved you some.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14- You might be a Time King from Gaddabee, but you still need to eat. - Yeah. Thanks.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Though you look good for 903.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- You should see me in the mornings. - OK.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Doctor! Must be well past midnight,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Earth time. Christmas Day.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32So it is. Merry Christmas.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35This Christmas thing, what's it all about?
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Long story.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40I should know, I was there. I got the last room.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44But if the planet's waking up, can't we signal them?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46They could send up a rocket or something.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48They don't have spaceships.
0:35:48 > 0:35:53No, I've read about it, they have the shuffles. Space shuffles.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57Mr Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where's it from?
0:36:00 > 0:36:03- Honestly?- Just between us.
0:36:05 > 0:36:12Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling University And Dry Cleaners.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16D'you... You lied to the company?
0:36:16 > 0:36:17To get the job?
0:36:17 > 0:36:21I wasted my life on Sto.
0:36:21 > 0:36:26I was a travelling salesman, always on the road,
0:36:26 > 0:36:33and I reached retirement with nothing to show for it, not even a home.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37And Earth sounded so...exotic.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Mm, yeah, I suppose it is, yeah.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43How come you know it so well?
0:36:43 > 0:36:45I was sort of, um...
0:36:45 > 0:36:48A few years ago, I was sort of made, well...
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Sort of homeless, and...
0:36:51 > 0:36:53There was the Earth.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58The thing is, if we survive this, there'll be police, and all sorts of investigations...
0:36:58 > 0:37:04Now the minimum penalty for spacelane fraud is ten years in jail.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Well, I'm an old man,
0:37:09 > 0:37:12I won't survive ten years!
0:37:12 > 0:37:14BANGING
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Host! Move! Come on!
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Is that the only way across?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41On the other hand, it IS a way across.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44- The engines are open. - Nuclear Storm drive.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Soon as it stops, the Titanic falls.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- But that thing, it'll never take our weight.- You're going last, mate.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53It's nitrofine metal. It's stronger than it looks.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56All the same, Rickston's right, me and Foon should go la...
0:37:56 > 0:37:58HE SCREAMS
0:37:57 > 0:37:58Morvin!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05I told you! I told you!
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- Just shut up, shut up! - Bring him back!
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Can't you bring him back? Bring him back, Doctor!
0:38:11 > 0:38:13- I can't, I'm sorry, I can't. - You promised me!
0:38:13 > 0:38:15I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Doctor, I rather think those things have got our scent.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23- I'm not waiting.- Careful!
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Take it slowly!
0:38:24 > 0:38:27EXPLOSION
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- Vot help me... - You're OK! Step at a time.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Come on. You can do it.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39..kill, kill...
0:38:39 > 0:38:41They're getting nearer.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43I've got to seal us in...
0:38:43 > 0:38:48- Leaving us trapped, wouldn't you say? - Never say trapped. Just...
0:38:48 > 0:38:50- inconveniently circumstanced.- Oh!
0:38:54 > 0:38:58- I'm OK...- Maybe he's all right, maybe there's a gravity curve
0:38:58 > 0:39:02down there, or something, maybe he's just unconscious...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04I'm sorry, Foon.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06He's gone.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10What am I gonna do without him?
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Yes! Oh, yes! Who's good?!
0:39:19 > 0:39:23- Bannakaffalatta, you go next. - Bannakaffalatta small!- Slowly!
0:39:25 > 0:39:27They've found us!
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Astrid, get across, right now.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32- What about you?- Just do it, go on!
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Mr Copper, we can't wait, after you.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35Don't argue!
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Foon, you've got to get across right now.
0:39:37 > 0:39:42What for? What am I going to do without him?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Doctor! The door's locked!
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Just think, what would he want, eh?
0:39:47 > 0:39:50He don't want nothing, he's dead!
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Doctor! I can't open the door!
0:39:52 > 0:39:55We need the whirring key thing of yours.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58- I can't leave her!- She'll get us all killed if we can't get out!
0:40:03 > 0:40:07Mrs Van Hoff! I am coming back for you. All right?
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Too many people!
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Oi! Don't get spiky with me. Keep going!
0:40:32 > 0:40:36- It's gonna fall!- It's just settling. Keep going.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38POUNDING AT DOOR STOPS
0:40:41 > 0:40:43They've stopped.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Gone away?
0:40:45 > 0:40:49- Why would they give up? - Never mind that, keep coming!
0:40:49 > 0:40:52But where have they gone?
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Where are the Host?
0:40:57 > 0:41:02I'm afraid we forgot the traditions of Christmas...
0:41:02 > 0:41:04that angels have wings.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Information. Kill.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Arm yourself! All of you!
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Argh!
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Ohhh!
0:41:47 > 0:41:48I can't...
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Bannakaffalatta, stop!
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Bannakaffalatta proud!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Bannakaffalatta...cyborg!
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Electromagnetic pulse took out the robotics!
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Oh, Bannakaffalatta, that was brilliant!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32He's used all his power.
0:42:32 > 0:42:33Did good?
0:42:33 > 0:42:35You saved our lives.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Bannakaffalatta happy.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43We can recharge you, get you to a powerpoint, plug you in.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45Too late.
0:42:45 > 0:42:50No, but you've got to get me that drink, remember?
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Pretty girl.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08I'm sorry, forgive me...
0:43:08 > 0:43:16- Leave him alone.- It's the EMP transmitter, he'd want us to use it.
0:43:16 > 0:43:21I used to sell these things, they'd always give me a bed for the night, in the Cyborg Caravans.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Good people.
0:43:24 > 0:43:29But if we can recharge it, we can use it as a weapon against the rest of the Host.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Bannakaffalatta might have saved us all.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34D'you think? Try telling him that.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39- Information. Reboot.- Use the EMP!
0:43:39 > 0:43:41- It's dead. - It's gotta have emergency...!
0:43:41 > 0:43:45No! Hold on! Override! Loophole! Security Protocol...ten!
0:43:45 > 0:43:50666? Uh, 21? 4, 5, 6, 7, 8? I don't know, 42?
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Erm...one!
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Information. State request.
0:43:59 > 0:44:00Good!
0:44:00 > 0:44:04Right. You've been ordered to kill the survivors, but why?
0:44:04 > 0:44:07Information. No witnesses.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09But this ship's gonna kill everyone on Earth,
0:44:09 > 0:44:12the human race has nothing to do with the Titanic, that contravenes your orders!
0:44:12 > 0:44:15- Information. Incorrect.- But...
0:44:15 > 0:44:20- Why destroy the Earth?- Information. It is the plan.- What plan?
0:44:20 > 0:44:26Information. Protocol grants you only three questions, these three questions have been used.
0:44:26 > 0:44:27Well, you could've warned me!
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Information. Now you will die.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39You're coming with me.
0:44:43 > 0:44:44NO!!!
0:45:02 > 0:45:04No more.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Get yourselves up to reception one,
0:45:09 > 0:45:10once you're there, Mr Copper,
0:45:10 > 0:45:13try to find a way of transmitting an SOS.
0:45:13 > 0:45:17Astrid, take this, powered up, it'll take out Host within 50 yards,
0:45:17 > 0:45:19but then it needs 60 seconds to recharge.
0:45:19 > 0:45:20Rickston, take this...
0:45:20 > 0:45:25I've pre-set it, just hold down that button, it'll open the doors. Do NOT lose it, got that?
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Now go and open the next door.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29- Go on, go!- All right!
0:45:29 > 0:45:34- Mr Copper, I need you fighting fit. Astrid, where's the powerpoints? - Under the comms.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38When it's ready, that blue light comes on, there.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41You're talking as if you're not coming with us.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43I'm gonna find out what's on deck 31.
0:45:43 > 0:45:47- What if you meet a Host? - Well, I'll just...have some fun!
0:45:47 > 0:45:49Sounds like you do this kind of thing all the time.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51Not by choice.
0:45:51 > 0:45:55All I do is travel, that's what I am, just a traveller.
0:45:55 > 0:45:56Imagine it!
0:45:56 > 0:45:58No tax, no bills, no boss.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Just the open sky.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04I'm sort of...
0:46:04 > 0:46:07unemployed now.
0:46:07 > 0:46:11I was thinking, that blue box is kind of small, but...
0:46:11 > 0:46:13I could squeeze in it. Like a stowaway.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17- It's not always safe.- So you need someone to take care of you.
0:46:17 > 0:46:21I've got no-one back on Sto, no family. Just me.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27So what d'you think?
0:46:27 > 0:46:29Can I come with you?
0:46:32 > 0:46:35Yeah. I'd like that, yeah.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37EXPLOSION
0:46:39 > 0:46:40Mr Frame, are you still with us?
0:46:40 > 0:46:43It's the engines, sir. Final phase!
0:46:43 > 0:46:46There's nothing more I can do, we've only eight minutes left.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49- Don't worry, I'll get there. - But the bridge is sealed off!
0:46:49 > 0:46:52Yeah, yeah! Working on it! I'll get there, Mr Frame. Somehow!
0:46:56 > 0:46:57All charged up!
0:46:57 > 0:47:01Mr Copper, look after her. Astrid, look after him.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03Rickston, erm...look after yourself.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05And I'll see you again.
0:47:05 > 0:47:06- I promise.- Hold on.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08There's an old tradition on Planet Sto...
0:47:08 > 0:47:10- I have really got to go. - Just wait a minute.
0:47:19 > 0:47:23Yeah, that's a...very old tradition, yeah.
0:47:26 > 0:47:27See you later.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Oh, yes.
0:47:43 > 0:47:44Do it!
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Wait, wait! Security Protocol One!
0:48:06 > 0:48:08D'you hear me? One! One!
0:48:09 > 0:48:13OK. That gives me three questions.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16Three questions to save my life, am I right?
0:48:16 > 0:48:17Information. Correct.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21No, that wasn't one of them, I didn't mean it, that's not fair!
0:48:21 > 0:48:23- Can I start again?- Information. No.
0:48:23 > 0:48:28No, no, no, that wasn't a question either! Blimey.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31One question left. One question.
0:48:31 > 0:48:36So! You've been given orders to kill the survivors, but survivors must therefore be passengers or staff,
0:48:36 > 0:48:40but not me, I'm not a passenger, I'm not staff, go on, scan me,
0:48:40 > 0:48:45you must have bio-records, no such person on board, I don't exist,
0:48:45 > 0:48:49therefore, you can't kill me, therefore, I'm a stowaway,
0:48:49 > 0:48:54and stowaways should be arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority,
0:48:54 > 0:49:00and I reckon the nearest figure of authority is on deck 31.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03Final question - am I right?!
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Information. Correct.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07Brilliant!
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Take me to your leader!
0:49:10 > 0:49:12I've always wanted to say that.
0:49:27 > 0:49:31Rickston, seal the doors, make the room secure.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34Mr Copper, keep an eye on the Host, I need to check the computer,
0:49:34 > 0:49:36we need that SOS!
0:49:52 > 0:49:55Bridge...this is Reception One.
0:49:55 > 0:50:01- Who's that?- Astrid Peth - I was with the Doctor. Tell me, can you divert power to the teleport system?
0:50:01 > 0:50:04No way. I'm using everything for the engines.
0:50:04 > 0:50:07It's just one trip, I need to get to deck 31.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09And I'm telling you, no!
0:50:11 > 0:50:13Mr Frame.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16This is for the Doctor.
0:50:16 > 0:50:21He's gone down there, on his own, and I...
0:50:21 > 0:50:22I can't just leave him.
0:50:22 > 0:50:26'He's done everything he can to save us...'
0:50:27 > 0:50:30It's time we did something to help him.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35'Giving you power.'
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Mr Copper. I'm going to find him.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Good luck.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Wow.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03Now...
0:51:03 > 0:51:06that is what you'd call a fixer-upper.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09Come on, then, Host with the most.
0:51:09 > 0:51:12This ultimate authority of yours, who is it?
0:51:13 > 0:51:15Oh, that's clever.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19That's an Omnistate Impact Chamber.
0:51:19 > 0:51:25Indestructible! You could survive anything, in there, you could sit through a supernova.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27Or a shipwreck.
0:51:27 > 0:51:33But only one person could have the power and the money to hide themselves on board like this.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35And I should know, cos...
0:51:35 > 0:51:38My name is Max.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43- It really does that?!- Who the hell is this?- I'm the Doctor, hello!
0:51:43 > 0:51:46Information. Stowaway.
0:51:46 > 0:51:47- Well...- Kill him.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49Oh, no, no, no, no, wait!
0:51:49 > 0:51:51But you can't, not now, come on! Max!
0:51:51 > 0:51:53You're giving me so much good material! Like...
0:51:53 > 0:51:56how to get a head in business.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58D'you see? Head? Head?
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Head? No?
0:52:00 > 0:52:03Ho, ho! The office joker.
0:52:03 > 0:52:06I like a funny man.
0:52:06 > 0:52:07No-one's been funny with me for years.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10I can't think why.
0:52:10 > 0:52:14176 years of running the company have taken their toll.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17Yeah, but...nice wheels.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20No. A life-support system,
0:52:20 > 0:52:24in a society that despises cyborgs.
0:52:24 > 0:52:28I've had to hide away for years, running the company by hologram. Host!
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Situation report!
0:52:30 > 0:52:34Information. Titanic is still in orbit.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Let me see...
0:52:40 > 0:52:44We should've crashed by now, what's gone wrong?
0:52:47 > 0:52:50The engines are still running, they should have stopped!
0:52:50 > 0:52:54When they do, Earth gets roasted... What's Earth got to do with it?
0:52:54 > 0:52:58This interview is terminated.
0:52:58 > 0:53:03No, no, no, no! But hold on, hold on, wait!
0:53:03 > 0:53:07I can work it out, it's like a task, I'm your apprentice, just watch me...
0:53:07 > 0:53:09So!
0:53:09 > 0:53:14The business is failing, you wreck the ship, that makes things even worse... Oh! Yes!
0:53:14 > 0:53:15No.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Yes!
0:53:17 > 0:53:21The business isn't failing, it's failed, past tense!
0:53:21 > 0:53:26My own board voted me out, stabbed me in the back.
0:53:26 > 0:53:28If you had a back. So! You scupper the ship,
0:53:28 > 0:53:32wipe out any survivors, just in case anyone's rumbled you...
0:53:32 > 0:53:35and the board find their shares halved in value.
0:53:35 > 0:53:37Oh, but that's not enough!
0:53:39 > 0:53:46No. Cos if a Max Capricorn ship hits the Earth, it destroys an entire planet...
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Outrage back home, scandal!
0:53:49 > 0:53:51The business is wiped out!
0:53:51 > 0:53:58And...the whole board thrown in jail, for mass murder.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01While you sit there, safe inside the Impact Chamber.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05I have men waiting to retrieve me from the ruins,
0:54:05 > 0:54:11and enough offworld accounts to retire me to the beaches of Penhaxico Two.
0:54:11 > 0:54:17Where the ladies, so I'm told, are very fond of...metal.
0:54:17 > 0:54:18So that's the plan.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21A retirement plan!
0:54:21 > 0:54:232,000 people on this ship,
0:54:23 > 0:54:27six billion underneath us, all of them slaughtered, and why?
0:54:27 > 0:54:31Because Max Capricorn is a loser!
0:54:31 > 0:54:36- I never lose! - You can't even sink the Titanic!
0:54:36 > 0:54:38Oh, but I can, Doctor!
0:54:38 > 0:54:42I can cancel the engines from here.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47SIREN WAILS
0:54:45 > 0:54:47- COMPUTER:- 'Engines closing.'
0:54:47 > 0:54:50No, no, no, no, no, no! NO!
0:54:50 > 0:54:52'Engines closing.'
0:54:53 > 0:54:55What's happening?
0:54:55 > 0:54:57- You can't do this!- Host! Hold him!
0:55:00 > 0:55:01Not so clever now, Doctor.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05A shame we couldn't work together, you're rather good.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08All that banter, yet not a word wasted.
0:55:08 > 0:55:12Time for me to retire.
0:55:12 > 0:55:18The Titanic is falling. The sky will burn.
0:55:18 > 0:55:22Let the Christmas inferno commence.
0:55:22 > 0:55:23Oh!
0:55:23 > 0:55:26Host...
0:55:26 > 0:55:27kill him.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31Mr Capricorn!
0:55:35 > 0:55:36I resign.
0:55:40 > 0:55:42Astrid, don't!
0:56:03 > 0:56:04He's cut the brake line!
0:56:34 > 0:56:36Astrid!
0:57:00 > 0:57:09- COMPUTER:- 'Titanic falling. Voyage terminated. Voyage terminated.'
0:58:27 > 0:58:29Argh!
0:58:29 > 0:58:31'Deadlock broken.'
0:58:31 > 0:58:33Midshipman Frame! At last!
0:58:33 > 0:58:39- But the Host...- Controller dead, they revert to the next highest authority. And that's me!
0:58:39 > 0:58:42There's no power, the ship's gonna fall.
0:58:43 > 0:58:47'Titanic falling.'
0:58:47 > 0:58:49- What's your first name? - Alonso.
0:58:49 > 0:58:51'Titanic falling.'
0:58:51 > 0:58:53- You're kidding me.- Why?
0:58:53 > 0:58:56That's something else I've always wanted to say.
0:58:56 > 0:58:57Allons-y, Alonso!
0:59:46 > 0:59:49TOOTING
0:59:58 > 1:00:01Hello, yes, erm... Could you get me Buckingham Palace?
1:00:01 > 1:00:05And as dawn rises over Great Britain, it seems that, this year,
1:00:05 > 1:00:08the City of London has escaped alien intervention...
1:00:08 > 1:00:13The Queen has remained in residence, in defiance of extraterrestrial attack...
1:00:13 > 1:00:17Listen to me! Security Code 771, now get out of there!
1:00:17 > 1:00:19Open the door!
1:00:19 > 1:00:21CORGI WHINES
1:00:24 > 1:00:29Don't you dare, you aliens! Don't you dare!
1:00:34 > 1:00:39'Engine active. Engine active.'
1:00:39 > 1:00:42SCREAMING AND SHOUTING
1:00:59 > 1:01:01PANTING
1:01:01 > 1:01:04YELLING
1:01:04 > 1:01:09Thank you, Doctor! Thank you! Happy Christmas.
1:01:09 > 1:01:12BARKING
1:01:12 > 1:01:14GROANING
1:01:20 > 1:01:22LAUGHING
1:01:22 > 1:01:25Yes! Oh, yes!
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Woo-hoo!
1:01:35 > 1:01:37Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
1:01:51 > 1:01:54Used the heat of re-entry to fire up the Secondary Storm Drive.
1:01:56 > 1:01:58Unsinkable. That's me.
1:01:59 > 1:02:01We made it.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03Not all of us.
1:02:06 > 1:02:08Teleport!
1:02:08 > 1:02:12She was wearing a teleport bracelet!
1:02:12 > 1:02:14Rickston! Sonic!
1:02:14 > 1:02:18Mr Copper, the teleports, have they got an emergency setting?
1:02:18 > 1:02:21- I don't know, they should have. - She fell, Mr Copper.
1:02:21 > 1:02:27- What's the emergency code?- Let me... - What the hell are you doing? - We can bring her back!
1:02:27 > 1:02:31If a passenger has an accident on shore leave and they're still wearing their teleport,
1:02:31 > 1:02:36- their molecules are suspended and held in stasis, so if we can just trigger the shift.- There!
1:02:36 > 1:02:40- I'm falling. - Only halfway there. Come on!
1:02:41 > 1:02:46- I keep falling.- Feedback the molecule grid. Boost it with the restoration matrix. No, no, no!
1:02:46 > 1:02:49- Need more phase containment. - Doctor...- If I can just link up the surface suspension.
1:02:49 > 1:02:55- Doctor, she's gone. - I just need to override the safety. I can do this, I can do it.- Doctor.
1:02:55 > 1:02:58Let her go.
1:03:02 > 1:03:05- I can do anything!- Stop me falling.
1:03:12 > 1:03:16There's not enough left, the system was too badly damaged.
1:03:18 > 1:03:21She's just atoms, Doctor.
1:03:22 > 1:03:28An echo, with the ghost of consciousness.
1:03:28 > 1:03:31She's stardust.
1:03:35 > 1:03:38Astrid Peth. Citizen of Sto.
1:03:41 > 1:03:44The woman who looked at the stars and dreamt of travelling.
1:03:52 > 1:03:54There's an old tradition.
1:04:08 > 1:04:11Now you can travel forever.
1:04:22 > 1:04:27You're not falling, Astrid. You're flying.
1:04:54 > 1:05:00The engines have stabilised, we're holding steady till we get help and I've sent the SOS.
1:05:00 > 1:05:03A rescue ship should be here within twenty minutes.
1:05:03 > 1:05:07And they're digging out the records on Max Capricorn. Should be quite a story.
1:05:07 > 1:05:12- They'll want to talk to all of us, I suppose?- I'd have thought so, yeah.
1:05:14 > 1:05:19I think one or two inconvenient truths might come to light.
1:05:19 > 1:05:21Still, it's my own fault.
1:05:21 > 1:05:24And ten years in jail is better than dying.
1:05:28 > 1:05:30Doctor...
1:05:30 > 1:05:32I never said...
1:05:32 > 1:05:34thank you.
1:05:41 > 1:05:43The funny thing is...
1:05:44 > 1:05:48..I said Max Capricorn was falling apart.
1:05:48 > 1:05:50Just before the crash,
1:05:50 > 1:05:52I sold all my shares.
1:05:52 > 1:05:55Transferred them to his rivals.
1:05:55 > 1:05:59It's made me rich. What do you think of that?
1:05:59 > 1:06:01BLEEPING
1:06:05 > 1:06:10Salvain? Those shares, I want them triple-bonded and locked...
1:06:10 > 1:06:17Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is he?
1:06:18 > 1:06:24But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies...
1:06:25 > 1:06:27..that would make you a monster.
1:06:32 > 1:06:35Mr Copper...
1:06:35 > 1:06:39I think you deserve one of these.
1:07:04 > 1:07:08So, Great Britain is part of Yooropee,
1:07:08 > 1:07:10and just across the British Channel,
1:07:10 > 1:07:13you've got Great France and Great Germany.
1:07:13 > 1:07:17No, no, it's just France and Germany, only Britain is Great.
1:07:17 > 1:07:21And they're all at war with the continent of Hamerica?
1:07:21 > 1:07:26No. Well, not yet. (You could argue that one.) There she is!
1:07:26 > 1:07:28Survive anything!
1:07:30 > 1:07:35You know, between you and me, I don't even think this snow is real,
1:07:35 > 1:07:42I think it's the ballast from the Titanic's salvage entering the atmosphere.
1:07:44 > 1:07:48Yeah. One of these days, it might snow for real.
1:07:48 > 1:07:51So! I suppose you'll be off?
1:07:51 > 1:07:54The open sky.
1:07:54 > 1:07:56And...what about me?
1:07:58 > 1:08:01I travel alone. It's best that way.
1:08:04 > 1:08:06What am I supposed to do?
1:08:06 > 1:08:09Give me that credit card.
1:08:10 > 1:08:12Well, it's just petty cash.
1:08:12 > 1:08:14Spending money.
1:08:14 > 1:08:20It's all done by computer, I didn't really know the currency so I thought a million might cover it.
1:08:20 > 1:08:22A million? Pounds?
1:08:22 > 1:08:23Enough for trinkets.
1:08:25 > 1:08:29Mr Copper, a million pounds is worth 50 million credits.
1:08:31 > 1:08:35- How much?!- 50 million and 56.
1:08:39 > 1:08:42I've got money.
1:08:42 > 1:08:44Yes, you have!
1:08:44 > 1:08:47Oh, my word.
1:08:47 > 1:08:52Oh, my Vot. Oh, my goodness me!
1:08:53 > 1:08:55Yee-hah!
1:08:55 > 1:09:00It's all yours. Planet Earth. Now, that's a retirement plan.
1:09:00 > 1:09:04- Just you be careful, though! - I will, I will, oh, I will!
1:09:04 > 1:09:09No interfering. I don't want any trouble. Just...just have a nice life.
1:09:09 > 1:09:11But I can have a house!
1:09:11 > 1:09:14A proper house! With a garden!
1:09:14 > 1:09:16And a door!
1:09:16 > 1:09:19Oh, Doctor! I will make you proud!
1:09:22 > 1:09:29I can have a kitchen! With chairs! And windows! And plates! And...
1:09:32 > 1:09:34Um...where are you going?
1:09:34 > 1:09:36I've no idea!
1:09:36 > 1:09:40No, me neither.
1:09:40 > 1:09:42Oh, and Doctor!
1:09:43 > 1:09:45I won't forget her.
1:09:57 > 1:10:00Merry Christmas, Mr Copper.
1:10:24 > 1:10:25Come with me.
1:10:27 > 1:10:30The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.
1:10:34 > 1:10:36There's nowhere to run.
1:10:38 > 1:10:41- Show yourself.- Doctor!
1:10:42 > 1:10:46This...is the spark of life.
1:10:46 > 1:10:49- I just want a mate.- You're not mating with me, sunshine.
1:10:49 > 1:10:54Being with you, I can't tell what's right and what's wrong any more.
1:10:57 > 1:11:00- It's better that way. - I do not understand, Miss.
1:11:00 > 1:11:02- Why do you say "Miss"? Do I look single?- Oh, yes!
1:11:02 > 1:11:05I demand you tell me who you are.
1:11:05 > 1:11:08INCOHERENT MOAN
1:11:18 > 1:11:20This has certainly been a most entertaining evening.
1:11:26 > 1:11:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:11:30 > 1:11:32E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk