0:00:28 > 0:00:31Come on!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Please!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40MOBILE RINGS
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello?!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- Hi David, it's Sue.- 'Sue!'
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Yes...
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Um, thanks for getting back to me.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- 'Are you still going to the auditions?'- Of course!
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Great! What time do you want me to pick you up?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59How about six?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02And I thought afterwards...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- 'I could, um...'- Yes?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I could take you back again.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11OK!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12'Bye.'
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Bye.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19What do you think she's wearing?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- What?- Under her clothes?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Oh, go on, Daniel! Give us your expert opinion.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Er, well...nothing.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Her skirt and the blouse were painted on this morning. She's a walking work of art.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I don't know about art. But I know what I like.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Sorry, how long have I been living in a Carry On film?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You've got to admit, she's nice... on a superficial level.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42You are superficial on every level. Can I make a cup of tea now?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Or shall I spill it down my front for a wet T-shirt effect?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Well, I could help...- Don't go there.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Ohayou!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- You what? - A traditional Japanese greeting.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56The sort of thing Nanki-Poo might say to Pooh-Bah.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58The Mikado wasn't written in Japanese.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I'm going for a depth of characterisation.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Something authentically Japanese.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Well, you already sound like Yoko Ono.- She's bending over!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06What's that?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Young Kevin is staring at the new receptionist.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13It must make a change seeing a woman without two staples down her middle.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Oh, look, she's on tiptoes!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18COMPUTER BEEPS
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Hi, Harrison.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Of course.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Works for me.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Um, I've got an appointment with Doctor Carter.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54And you are?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Um, David Moss.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Is the "um" part of it?- No!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Take a seat.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Hold on!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Thank you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oh, I'm so sorry!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oh! It's all right, thank you.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, um, Mrs McGuire!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It's a long time since I've been that!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's me, David.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I used to go out with Sam.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28David! Yes, of course! Oh, my goodness! How lovely to see you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It must have been, what? Ten years?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Do you know Lauren? Lauren's a friend of Sam's.- No!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35No.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37So, how's Sam doing these days?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Well, she's great actually, she's got an interesting boyfriend,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45lovely flat in Greenwich, and a very good job too in advertising.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Well, I'm still single, I've not got a flat in Greenwich, and I work in a call centre.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Who are you here to see? - Er, Doctor Carter.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Right. Well, I'll see if I can hurry him along for you. Nice to see you.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- And you!- Oh, bye-bye.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Of course, one of the first people to play Nanki-Poo was the great acting guru, Stanislavski.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Really?- Heston!- Yes?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I do not have your QOF information?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Um... - I told you I needed it yesterday!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You will definitely have it tomorrow.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18No, Heston, today! Five o'clock.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- And you have a patient.- Have I?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Yes! Apart from being a world expert on Gilbert & Sullivan,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26you are also a doctor!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Hiya!- Hello.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38How did it go?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Sorry, what?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41All A stars?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Oh, I don't get my results till tomorrow.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Sorry! Silly me! I shouldn't be piling on the pressure.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48It's all right.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53David Moss, what can I do for you?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Well, I want some sleeping tablets, cos I'm having difficulty sleeping.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59A good reason to have them.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I just find, at night, my mind is racing like an express train.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Where does it go to?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Long story.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I'm a member of the Letherbridge Light Operatic Society.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh, I see...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16And they've got a new director, and he's promised to... shake things up a bit.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I know it's just a hobby, but...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22in some ways, it's what keeps me going.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- I'm getting in a bit of a state about this.- You are!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Has he asked you to leave? - No, but...
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I've heard on the grapevine, he wants to get rid of the old guard,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and he's invited a load of new people to audition.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Right, I have to declare an interest here.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39He's asked ME to audition.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- What?... What part?- Nanki-Poo.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46# Poor wandering one... #
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Oh, dear. I can see where this is going.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53There's no guarantee I'll get it, and there are plenty of other parts.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Sleeping tablets. Let me have a look at your history.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Don't want to overdo it, but you need to get a good night's sleep.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02# Poor wandering one
0:06:02 > 0:06:05# If such poor love as mine
0:06:05 > 0:06:07# Can help you find
0:06:07 > 0:06:08# True peace of mind
0:06:08 > 0:06:12# Why, take it, it is thine... #
0:06:12 > 0:06:16AAARRRRGGH!
0:06:16 > 0:06:21I'm so sorry, I thought I'd lost my keys, but they were in my back pocket.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26David, I haven't heard a scream like that since the last time I looked at my credit card bill.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Surely, there must be more to it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- It's to do with Gilbert & Sullivan. - Well, now it's my turn to scream,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36cos my colleague has been going on about that for DAYS.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Yes, well, I've just found out we're both up for the same part.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- It looks like he's going to get it.- No way.- Why not?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43I've heard him sing.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Why is this so important to you?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- It's all to do with a girl called Sue.- Mm hm.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57She's in the Operatic Society with me and...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00..she is the most...
0:07:00 > 0:07:05perfect, magical, beautiful human being.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- I see.- And I was up for the part of Nanki-Poo.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09And she was going to be my Yum-Yum.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- Right, so you two usually play the romantic leads together? - That's right.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And what about real life?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- If only...- Why don't you ask her out, for heaven's sake?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25When you've loved someone so much, and for so long,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28you just can't ask, because...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31..if she said no...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Phone for you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Really?- It's Mummy dearest.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39- Hello?- 'Hello, love!'
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- I was just wondering if you would like to go out tomorrow?- Where to?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I've been reading about this Italian restaurant.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50It's right on the canal, and the waiters sing opera as they serve you.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52What's this in aid of?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Well, I was hoping we might have something to celebrate.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Mum, I don't want a meal. I don't want a brass band or fireworks.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I just want to be left alone!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Oh, sorry I spoke!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Have you been in limbo all this time?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Yes. Well...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15you get used to it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I blame Sam. She's put you off women for life.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22It wasn't just that. There were other issues.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I see.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27But it was a bit weird when she dumped me.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31She never said why, just didn't return my calls.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36That's Sam all over, she was a bit harsh when she was younger,
0:08:36 > 0:08:37but this, um...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- Sue.- Sue.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43You know, you have got to tell her, David.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Why don't you take her out for coffee?
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Make sure you take her somewhere you can be yourself and not hide behind a character.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52And if she says no?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Well, honey, you're no worse off than you are now, are you?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Just talk to this girl. Ask her.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02At least find out where you stand.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- So that's one mozzarella, and one cappuccino.- Thank you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10MOBILE RINGS
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Hi, Mum.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20No, I'm sorry, I can't do tonight, I've got an audition...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24OK. If you insist, I'll stay over.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26But I won't be there till ten.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Love you lots.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32David!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Hi.- Sorry, did you want something?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- No. I'll see you at six.- Yes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Was there anything else?
0:09:43 > 0:09:44No. Nothing.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- I'm off. - See ya. Oh, best of luck tomorrow!
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Sayonara, Lauren!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Sayonara, Doctor Carter.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Break a leg. Not literally, obviously.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Best not. Though it might add something to the characterisation.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Do you know how Gilbert came up with the idea for The Mikado?
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- No, I don't, actually. - He was in his study, when an Oriental sword fell off the wall.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16And he thought, "That's a sign."
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Extraordinary! It just goes to show.
0:10:18 > 0:10:25Sometimes you have to seize destiny with both hands.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26# Defer, defer
0:10:26 > 0:10:30# To the Lord High Executioner
0:10:30 > 0:10:32# Defer, defer
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# To the noble Lord
0:10:34 > 0:10:39# To the noble Lord High Executioner
0:10:39 > 0:10:42# Bow down, bow down
0:10:42 > 0:10:45# To the Lord High Executioner
0:10:45 > 0:10:48# Defer, defer
0:10:48 > 0:10:52# To the noble, noble Lord
0:10:52 > 0:10:57# To the High Executioner... #
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Lauren, did you send off those QOF reports?- I did.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Did Heston give you his?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Oh, um...- Never mind.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Bye, Julia!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, I say, you look nice. Are you off?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Any minute now. When my knight in shining Armani gets here.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Heston, it's Julia.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Very sorry that I'm interrupting your very busy theatrical schedule,
0:11:23 > 0:11:27but would you please call me immediately! Thank you!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31MOBILE BEEPS
0:11:34 > 0:11:36'Hi, Elaine, it's me.,
0:11:36 > 0:11:37'I'm running a bit late.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40'Can I possibly meet you at the restaurant?'
0:11:40 > 0:11:45MUSIC: "Three Little Maids From School" by Gilbert & Sullivan
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Thanks for the lift!- Mm.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Are you all right? - Why wouldn't I be?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I don't know. You just seem a bit...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52absent.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I'm going to get some coffee.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Now, don't wear out your vocal cords.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Hello, David.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, hi.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- I'm looking for Doctor Carter. Have you seen him?- No.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So how did it go?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It's over.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Well, it never actually started.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- But at least I don't have to worry about it ending.- How do you mean?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I left it too late.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25She's found someone.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28So will you! You just have to give it time.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I don't want anyone else.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Obsession is not just an aftershave.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36And, of course, the greatest Ko-Ko, in my opinion, was Groucho Marx.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- There he is.- Heston!
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Julia! Have you come to give us your Pish-Tush?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I've come to give your head on a platter to the PCT.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- What?- QOF reports, Heston.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Due by five o'clock. - I gave it to Lauren.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Really?- Really.- Oh.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54She said she wasn't sure.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I don't know where that girl's head is sometimes.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- Was that it?- It was, but I think I might hang around for a bit.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- Oh, yes?- Bit worried about someone.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Good evening, everyone! I'm Howard. Howard Woodham.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And it gives me huge pleasure to see so many budding Thespians.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Why don't you all come through to the stage, I'll show you my vision.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Ah! Hezza! Good to see you, old man.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Oh, hello! And, what are you up for?- I'll be trying for Yum-Yum.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I thought so. I took one look and I immediately thought, "Yum, yum."
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Argh!
0:13:31 > 0:13:36OK, everyone. Now first of all, I want you to forget about nice tunes,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38charming costumes, pretty scenery.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42There's nothing pretty in a Howard Woodham production.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I intend to grab Gilbert & Sullivan by the...genitals,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50and squeeze them extremely hard.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Now, The Mikado's set in a totalitarian regime. So I thought,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Where shall we put ours?" Afghanistan, perhaps?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01North Korea?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05But then I thought, "No, let's go retro."
0:14:05 > 0:14:11I'm relocating it to Chicago in the 1920s with the ever-present threat of the Mob.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Three Little Maids will all be Mafia brides, and Ko-Ko can come on with a Kalashnikov.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Yes, Hezza?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Shouldn't it be set in Japan?
0:14:20 > 0:14:25I've never really cared for the casual racism of it. It's all very offensive to the Orientals.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Then we run the risk of offending the Mafia.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- I'd rather take my chances with the Japanese.- Look here!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I am not interested in bums...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- MOBILE RINGS - Hang on.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Hello?- 'Is this Howard Woodham?'
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Yes, this is Howard.- 'Great. Letherbridge Life here.'
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Oh.- 'Are we still on for the interview?'
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- Marvellous.- 'OK?'
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Yes, well, I'll see you in about half an hour.- 'Great.'
0:14:49 > 0:14:51OK. Bye.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Letherbridge Life. They want to do a little piece on me.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Where was I? - "Not interested in bums."
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I'm not interested in bums on seats.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I want to see eyes on stalks.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11I intend to rip out the dark heart of this play, and fling it in the audience's faces.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14This will be a Mikado they will NEVER forget
0:15:14 > 0:15:17in spite of years of psychotherapy.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yes, Hezza?!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23It's all very well bringing out the dark side,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26but isn't the point of Gilbert & Sullivan
0:15:26 > 0:15:30powerful satire, but with the lightest of brush strokes?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I absolutely agree!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35They're far too light in their brush strokes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I intend to tell this story in fluorescent paint,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42in letters 1,000 feet high!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Look, I'm really sorry, I don't think my friend's coming.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Could I just pay for my drinks, please?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Elaine, I'm so sorry. Have you been waiting for long?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56A couple of glasses and a packet of breadsticks.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I'm sorry. It was work. And life. And work-life balance.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Just something I couldn't get out of.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- You had your phone turned off. - Yes, I was driving.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I hate being late. Is there anything I can do to make it up?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09We'll see.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Excuse me.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20This could be the worst disaster since the Titanic.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Mind you, his next production of HMS Pinafore will be ON the Titanic.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Mmm.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29What did he mean, "There's nothing pretty in a Howard Woodham production?"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I don't know. But you'd be in with a chance.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Why are you still here?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I'm waiting to have a word with someone.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41- Hey.- Julia.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Are you auditioning?- Oh, no!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47No, no, no. I'm just here to support my colleague.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- How are you feeling?- I don't know.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It's weird to find I'm still breathing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57My feet still move, even though there's nowhere I want to go.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- You are going to audition, though? - What's the point?- Moss!
0:17:01 > 0:17:02David Moss?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16So am I forgiven?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, it's hard to be too angry with a mouth full of this.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- It is good, isn't it?- Mmm. - Here, let me have one of those.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Mm!- Mmm. Ah!
0:17:24 > 0:17:25What?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Was that an "ooh" or a...?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- More wine?- Sounds like a plan.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37OK. They have two types of Chianti.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41We could have some more of this one, or...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43how about a bit of the other?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Sorry, I can't believe I just said that.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50# The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Breathe promise of merry sunshine
0:17:53 > 0:17:56# As we merrily dance and we sing, tra la
0:17:56 > 0:17:58# We welcome the hope that they bring, tra la
0:17:58 > 0:18:05# Of a summer of roses and wine Of a summer of roses and wine
0:18:05 > 0:18:08# And that's what we mean when we say that a thing
0:18:08 > 0:18:11# Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring
0:18:11 > 0:18:12# Tra la la la la... #
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Cut! Cut, cut.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21There's two things that I'm not getting. I'm not getting sex...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and I'm not getting death.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Now, Nanki-Poo is a man facing execution.
0:18:27 > 0:18:33This song is the primal scream of a man on the brink of oblivion.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Can you do that?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Um...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I didn't think so.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Let's try an exercise.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Take your shirt off.- What?!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Excuse me! It's a bit Neanderthal to assume you have to pay.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51OK. It's your turn next time.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Maybe I'll take you up on that. - So there is going to be a next time?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57MOBILE RINGS
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Sorry.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01I've got to take this.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Thanks.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Now, that's good. Now...
0:19:20 > 0:19:25You look so vulnerable. I want you to feel something for me.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31I want you to feel a deep obsidian blackness pouring through your soul.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Can you do that?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I think so.- Splendid! - MOBILE RINGS
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, I'd better get that.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Hello?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44This is Howard.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Marvellous, you're here.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49No, no, you're at the wrong door.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Turn left, and carry on... It's a very bad signal.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- SHOUTING:- Turn left and carry on walking!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- CRASH! - Argh!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06All right. All done?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Yes. I think we are.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13What's the matter?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15This thing you couldn't get out of.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18It wouldn't be your marriage, would it?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23OK, let me explain.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25No, don't bother.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30You...you couldn't help yourself, you've never done this before
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and your marriage was over anyway.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33It's not like that.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I don't want to know.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40David?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Ah, you're back with us. Can you follow my finger?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Can you untie him?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49What idiot tied his hands together?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50That would be me.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- It was an acting exercise. - It was a what?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I wanted him to experience misery and fear.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02- You wanted him to experience power, which I'm guessing is what you are all about.- I refute that!
0:21:02 > 0:21:07I wanted him to know what it feels to be a man on the edge of an abyss,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11to have nothing to look forward to but death!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Do you think I don't know how it feels to lose everything?
0:21:14 > 0:21:19To love someone, and to know you'll never have them because they've found someone else?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And actually, I might as well be dead,
0:21:22 > 0:21:26because I've lost the one thing that made life worth living.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35David! David?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Has he gone? - Yeah.- That was a bit intense.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I've never seen him like that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Um...if you don't mind me asking,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52do you have any, you know, feelings for him?
0:21:52 > 0:21:57David? Well, he's funny and sweet and kind.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01But it's a long time since I've been with anyone.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Um...are you saying that you're single?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07That's right.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Right. And you two have never...?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Only on stage.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18Sometimes I've thought... hang on, this is real,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21but you don't cross that line, do you, because...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23what if he's just acting?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Oh, believe me, he's not acting. He meant every word.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27You need to let him know how you feel.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Enter!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Letherbridge Life said they will come back another evening.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Oh, Lord!- At least we didn't end up with Letherbridge Death.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Honestly, I don't know how today could get any worse.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- Um...right. I was just wondering, could I do my song now?- No.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57The pianist has gone home.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59A cappella?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02OK.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Hit me, Hezza!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Now, I'm not looking for anything nice.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13I want something raw...
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- HE SINGS - ..something huge.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22I want something to make my eyes water.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# A wandering minstrel I
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# A thing of shreds and patches
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# Of ballads, songs and snatches
0:23:31 > 0:23:35# And dreamy lullaby! #
0:23:39 > 0:23:41KNOCK AT DOOR
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Hold on!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Sue.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Well...thanks for abandoning me(!)
0:23:57 > 0:23:58I'm sorry.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Things are just a bit difficult.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04I know.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Is it to do with me?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Yeah.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13What did you mean about finding someone only they'd found someone else?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Well, you have. I heard you on the phone at work.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22David!
0:24:23 > 0:24:24I was on the phone to my mum.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27She wants me to stay over to keep an eye on Dad.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30He's got Parkinson's.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Oh! That's wonderful!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I mean, not about your dad, obviously.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I know.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47I get a bit fed up, actually. I'm always having to look after me dad.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Me mum never asks me sister, who's married, but...
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- because I'm single...- Yeah.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I spent ten years looking after my mum.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Everyone thinks, oh, you can do it -
0:24:58 > 0:25:00you're young, you're single.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04And, before you know it, we'll be middle-aged and single.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Story of my life!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Look... do you fancy doing something...?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Something that doesn't involve singing, or putting on a costume?
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- What do you mean, like, getting a life?- Mmm.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Yeah.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- I'd like that very much. - Oh. That's great.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I don't think I've ever been out with you without a script.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Well...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41..we'll just have to improvise.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Ooh! How did it go?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- I didn't get it.- Oh.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05He said my voice had a visceral quality but too much intensity.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Oh, I'm sorry, Heston. - I did get another part though.
0:26:08 > 0:26:14- Ko-Ko.- Mmm. That's great! Is there much singing in that?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Mainly standing around looking pompous.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Well, that'll be a challenge.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24PHONE RINGS
0:26:38 > 0:26:39'Hi.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43'I wish I'd told you, but you are such a wonderful person, you know,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47'I knew as soon as I did, that it would be the end.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51'And maybe we should end it... but my marriage is over.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54'Look, I know it's wrong. But you have to admit,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'we really do go well tog...'
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I hate you! Hate you!
0:27:12 > 0:27:13What's happened?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16A massage parlour?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Finally!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Just open it.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27Don't worry, your mummy does have an ounce of compassion somewhere!
0:27:27 > 0:27:32He's not seeing prostitutes. Well, actually, he is... One.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2011
0:27:53 > 0:27:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk