0:00:35 > 0:00:38CRIES, SMASHING GLASS
0:00:42 > 0:00:4410 of morphine, 10ml saline.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54BEEP FLATLINES
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I need a crash cart!
0:00:57 > 0:00:58BUZZER
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Come on, everybody.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Sorry, mate.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Captain Bellamy?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- It's been a while since anyone's called me that.- Sorry!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37No, I like it. Brings back memories.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- It's very good of you to give us your time.- The least I can do.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It means a lot to the men.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45No, I don't think it's a good idea.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I think it was a big mistake coming here.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51But I wasn't really given a choice.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55No, it's too soon. Much too soon.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59OK, see you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- They're at the cemetery.- Oh, no.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Why?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- And they're on their way here. - They're coming back to work?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- That's what Daniel says. - That's crazy.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- It's way too soon. - Why doesn't Daniel do something?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- He says he's tried.- Poor Daniel. Having to go back there.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Poor Freya.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Right. I can't dwell on it. Got to make the best of it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27When they get here, we'll be as supportive as we can.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Should we tell Howard?- Why?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Because he's the practice manager?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Normal day. Nothing special.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45I put the flowers on the grave.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48They look nice.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53It's the same every time I come here.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I get this far and then I can't face it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I didn't know you'd been before?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Freya would have done it. But then, I'm not Freya.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03She was better than me.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09I just thinking of her lying there in the cold.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Look, if you don't feel ready to go back to work,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14no-one's going to blame you if you take a bit more time off.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I don't need more time.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22What are you doing?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Waiting for you.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You'd do my exercises for me if you could, wouldn't you?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You look tired.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30And that's different from every other day in what way?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You're not supposed to be overdoing it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Mother, I've been round the block. It's not the London Marathon!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You shouldn't go on your own.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What do you think is going to happen?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42You think I'm going to fall asleep and walk into a tree?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43It's not funny, Grace.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47How long have you spent telling me to be strong and independent?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48That was before.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Besides, everybody is really nice. That's the great thing about ME.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Everyone wants to help.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- Just now this funeral procession slowed down for me.- What?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Yeah. They asked me if I needed a lift.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Everything's a joke, Grace.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I feel fine, honestly.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06You said that before your last relapse.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08This time I mean it.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- OK.- I'll soon be at the top of that hill.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It'll make a nice change from setting my alarm to wake up
0:04:15 > 0:04:17in time for my nap.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19What? It's funny!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22All right, it wasn't that funny, but still!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I remember that winter. I didn't think I'd ever get warm again.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Neither did I. And I was inside a hospital.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30One of my lads used to wear his wife's tights on patrol.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33He said it was the only thing that kept him warm.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Is that standard para issue, then?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It's not something a cabbagehead like you would understand.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Bootneck to you. Did it work, then, the tights?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44He said it did. He was always terrified of getting injured.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47He thought the medics might think it a bit...funny.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- Just as well nothing happened to him.- He stepped on a land mine, just outside Cam Lough.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Oh. I'm sorry. - Poor sod needn't have worried.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00There wasn't much left of his wife's tights.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Still, if you can't wear your wife's tights to work,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04what's the world coming to?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Exactly.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- What's on the agenda, then? - Let's take a look.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I can't stand spending another hour alone in that house.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Then don't.
0:05:17 > 0:05:23Staring at the walls, thinking about the fire, about what she did.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- It's not your fault. - She sacrificed herself for me.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28She didn't sacrifice herself.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32She's dead, isn't she? And I'm alive.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I don't think you're ready to go back to work.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42You think I want to go back there? You think I'm looking forward to it?
0:05:42 > 0:05:47- All those people staring at me, hating me.- No-one hates you.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Why not? They were quick enough to think I was a murderer
0:05:49 > 0:05:52when I wasn't. Now I really am one.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56You're not a murderer. You were suffering from smoke inhalation.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57You were unconscious.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59And if I hadn't been there in the first place?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04If you don't want to be on your own, why don't you go and see Michaela?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No. I'm glad she's OK.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12- I'm glad she's not messed up. But I can't see her.- Why not?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13She's better off without me.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Everyone is.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Kevin, you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Because until you snap out of this you're not going to be able to do your job properly.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- You're not going to be able to do anything properly.- Fine.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Take me home.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- You've seen your fair share of action, then?- A bit.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42More than most by the sounds of it. You're not what I expected.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- No?- I've never really had much time for shrinks.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- A bit too touchy-feely for my liking.- Sorry to disappoint.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51There are different schools of thought about military psychiatry.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Which one do you subscribe to? - Whatever works.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Fair enough.- Obviously, some of these men are finding the transition
0:06:59 > 0:07:01to civilian life very hard.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It's never easy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07For a lot of them, just writing this CV is a major challenge.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Judging by the CVs I get sent,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13it pretty much applies to everybody.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15He didn't say a word all the way back to his place.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- You don't think he'd do anything stupid, do you?- No.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Shouldn't someone be with him? - I could go in my lunch break.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- I don't think he'd let you in. He thinks we all hate him.- Why?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- That's ridiculous.- Poor Kevin.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Maybe we should leave him alone.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33The last thing he needs is to be left alone.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38He must have followed you in. That's his car, isn't it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39- Why didn't you say something? - I just did.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He can't see us like this.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Right, when he comes in, everybody act natural.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- That's our resident comedian, Danny Hooper.- There's always one.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- He's my toughest case.- Really?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- You could start with him if you like.- Why not?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14He's supposed to be putting together a list of transferable skills
0:08:14 > 0:08:16he could use in civilian life.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Doesn't look like he's got very far.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I can't get him to take anything seriously.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- He probably needs a good kick up the backside.- Might help.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Never known it to fail. - At this point, I'll try anything.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Kevin! What a surprise. - Sorry, I should have rung earlier.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37No, I meant a good surprise.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Welcome back.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- It's lovely to see you, Kevin. - You've been missed.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42- Really?- By all of us.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I've made you a cup of coffee with two sugars and a biccie.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49You can hardly see the burn at all. With any luck you won't have a scar.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I hope not. You wouldn't want to spoil that handsome face.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Watch it, Kev, I think she's flirting with you again.- I am not!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Yeah, be careful. You know what she's like.- Daniel!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- So, how did you do it?- What?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Your arm.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11That's a first. Most people pretend not to notice it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14It's pretty hard to ignore. So, what happened?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- IED.- Afghanistan?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Helmand. Totalled the APC in front of me
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and the shrapnel took a good bit of me with it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Severed femoral artery, collapsed lung, perforated eardrum...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29and this.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33They tried to get it working again, but the nerves are all mashed up.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Sounds nasty.- Piece of cake, really.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38You should have seen the guys in the APC.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41They were still trying to fit the bits together three days later.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43So you think that's going to stop you getting work?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Well, it's not going to help, is it?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47There are plenty of things you can do.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Sure. Obviously the professional cat's cradle circuit
0:09:50 > 0:09:52is out of the question,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55but traffic cops specialising in one-way streets,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- one-armed paper hanger?- Very funny. - The list is endless.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02And then there's the whole zen Buddhist one-hand clapping market.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I figure I could pretty well corner that.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You remind me of a guy I served with in South Armagh.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- You were in Northern Ireland? - Coldest winter of my life.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14And the colder it went, the funnier this bloke got.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Sometimes his jokes were the only thing that kept us warm.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Well, you've got to laugh.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21And sometimes you've got to be serious.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24You can't spend your whole life hiding behind jokes.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28'It should have been me that died.'
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- You don't think that's a little bit paranoid?- It's true.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34That's exactly the kind of self-pity we're trying to avoid, remember?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Sorry.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Everyone wants to help you. You just have to let them.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46- I've organised a really light day for you.- Why?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I thought that's what you'd want.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51No. The more patients the better. It'll stop me thinking.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Right. When my mum died, it took me a really long time...
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- Is Mandy in? - She's on compassionate leave.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And Howard has taken the day off, so you can relax.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Relax. Right(!)
0:11:10 > 0:11:13They said I had to get back to exercising but it's not that easy.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Everything's different. I had to adapt my whole exercise regime.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Balance was a real problem. This is just a dead weight.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22How did you get around it?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It took a while, but I worked it out.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28If I couldn't do something the old way, I found a new way.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Good. Lateral thinking.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33In some ways, it's even an advantage.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I can beat any man here at one-armed press-ups. Want to see?
0:11:37 > 0:11:42- No.- It's pretty impressive.- So why don't you put it on your CV?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44What? That I can do one-armed press ups?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46No, everything that you've told me.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Who'll be interested in my exercise regime?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Look, when I read a CV I want to find out about the real person behind it
0:11:52 > 0:11:53and I almost never do.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56All I get is a load of flack and what a great team player they are.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- What you've just told me is far more interesting.- You're kidding.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You've shown you can find imaginative solutions in a crisis
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and adapt to adversity. That's worth its weight in gold to any employer.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09You really think someone would want to hire me?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12They'd be lucky to have you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15And your structured exercise programme, how's that going?
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- Yeah, really well. I've even added some exercises of my own.- Have you?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You might want to be careful. You do need to pace yourself.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I am. I started off slow, with five-pound potato sacks.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Potato sacks?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Yeah. I hold them up like this for five minutes.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35When I got the hang of it, I moved on from five-pound sacks
0:12:35 > 0:12:38to ten-pound sacks, then 50-pound sacks.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- You're lifting 50-pound potato sacks?- Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43And when I feel a bit more confident,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I might put some potatoes in them.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- It's not funny, Grace. - I thought it was!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- First time I heard it, I laughed so much I fell asleep.- Grace!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Seriously, do try to be patient. Take it one day at a time.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57One day at a time.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I'm still trying one thing at a time.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Let's hope it lasts.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08His arm's not the disability he thinks it is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- His arm's not the real problem?- No.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Post traumatic stress.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14All this larking about is just his way of avoiding the issue.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Here we go.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I know it's quite severe but I'm not sure there is much I can do for him.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21He's obviously been through some nasty stuff,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24but he's no basket case. If you ask me,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I think he's coping rather well.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29He's very good at hiding his feelings. Like so many of us.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Need some help with that? - I'm fine, thanks.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50How's it going in there?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52To be honest, I can't see the point.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- The point is to get a job. - I don't know if I even want a job.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Then what are you doing here?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I don't know.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00OK.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04If you wanted a job, any job at all, what would it be?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Lion tamer?- Seriously.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Seriously. I'd like to be a soldier.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15- What else?- Nothing. The army's my family. It's all I've ever known.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18When I left the army, I didn't know what I was going to do.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- I didn't think I'd ever get used to it.- How long did you serve?
0:14:22 > 0:14:2425 years.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Action?- Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Grace, have you got your phone? - I'm only going down the shops.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Grace...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38At some point, I'm going to have to stand on my own two feet.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- I know, but... - Without you holding me up.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Why did you leave the army?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I had my reasons.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It would have been a lot easier if I'd been your age - young,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54energetic, time to adapt.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Adapt. I can't really see that happening.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02It will. The key is to concentrate on one thing at a time.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Concentration's not my best game at the moment.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I had a CO who used to say to me,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10"Every obstacle is a challenge and every crisis is an opportunity."
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Sounds like a CO. - Most annoying man I ever met.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17But he was right. You need to approach a CV like it's an exercise.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Is that what you do?- Sometimes.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I try not to think of the people at work as the enemy,
0:15:23 > 0:15:24but it's a lot more fun when you do.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28So I should approach job-hunting like attacking
0:15:28 > 0:15:30and holding an enemy position?
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Well, maybe don't go in so hard, but, yeah, why not?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I'm sorry. I really thought it would be OK.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- It's my fault. I shouldn't have let you go.- No!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Let's get you home.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- He's cracking on with it now. I knew he would.- That's good.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He was obviously a first-rate soldier. It takes time to adjust.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05And he didn't have a lot of time.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07He was in surgery in Birmingham
0:16:07 > 0:16:10less than 24 hours after the explosion.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13It probably saved his life, but it's not helping him
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- deal with his trauma. - How do you mean?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Ideally, combat stress should be treated as close to the line
0:16:18 > 0:16:21as possible, as quickly as possible,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23and with every expectation of going back into action.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- That's interesting.- It's one theory. Not everyone agrees with it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- But you do?- They stumbled on it almost by accident
0:16:30 > 0:16:32in the First World War.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35A lot of the men who went back into action did die -
0:16:35 > 0:16:37that's the kind of war it was.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42But those that didn't suffered much lower rates of long-term disability.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Are you saying Danny's mentally disabled?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47That's the trouble with you people. Turn everything into a disease.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- We'd be out of a job if we didn't. - Exactly.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55"Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always."
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Hippocrates. In Danny's case, comfort might be all we can do.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01- He'll be fine.- I'm not so sure.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Whatever happened to him out there,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I expect he's got some horrendous memories to deal with.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Then he'll have to live with them.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12But that's not mental illness, that's life.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Daniel? I've just had a call from a woman called Roberts.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Daughter Grace has ME, she thinks she's had a relapse.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Can you pop in on her? - That's my patient.- What?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Why are you asking him to go? I saw her earlier.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- I should go.- You're not on call. - What's that supposed to mean?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30You don't think I can handle it. You don't think I'm capable.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- I didn't say that. - That's what you were thinking.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- You think I'm useless.- No! - Kevin!- You all think I'm useless.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Why don't you just come out and say it?- Because I...
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- I don't need you patronising me, Karen.- I'm not!- Give me the address.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- What are you doing?- Nothing. - What's this?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Pile of rubbish by the looks of it. - You're just going to give up?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Why not? It's a waste of time. - It's not a waste of time.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- It is for me. - You need to see this through.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Why? Because you say so? - This could be your best chance.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Don't try and pep talk me.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- I'm not trying to pep talk. - It's all right for you. You made it.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Being an officer was all I ever wanted.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Come on, don't be stupid. - Don't tell me what to do!
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- I'm sick of people telling me what to do.- Danny?- Just back off!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42What's it like being a doctor?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- What?- I wanted to be a vet.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Maybe you still can.
0:18:46 > 0:18:52No. That's not going to happen. It's a pity, though.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I have a real rapport with animals.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57My cat's gone right off me, though.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00He thinks I spend far too much time sleeping in warm places.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Grace.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- She doesn't like me joking about my ME.- I've noticed.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- I'm a big disappointment to her. - I'm sure you aren't.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18She always wanted me to be a fighter and a perfectionist.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now all I am is this lazy, useless lump.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24That's not you. It's not what you are.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I've let her down.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Maybe you should stop fighting so hard.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You're under enough pressure as it is.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37You're saying I need to find the strength not to be so strong.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It wouldn't hurt to take things a bit easier.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I'm actually quite good at that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Most days, exercising caution is the only exercise I get.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51How can you stay so positive?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It's the only way I can get through.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56I'm not really positive though.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58When I do get better,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I'm going to celebrate by having a really massive depression.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22The girl guides are straight down there. First on your left.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I've got no right to be here.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You've got as much right as everybody else.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I should have died in Helmand!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32All I've got is half a life, half my arms, half my brain.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I can't concentrate on anything. I've got nothing.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You've got your life. You can't throw that away no matter what!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It should have been me in the APC.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I traded places with my best mate 20 minutes before they got hit.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I saw him get blown up right in front of my eyes.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49One minute he was grinning at me, the next minute he was gone.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51There was nothing left of him.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I'm sorry.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58The last thing I saw before they dragged me away was his boot.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01It landed on the road beside me, perfectly upright.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05With this bit of leg in it like he was still standing there.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It was the stress that made her ill.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16It was my fault. I pushed her too hard.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17It's impossible to know what causes ME.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Since she's been ill, I've tried to make it up to her.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I don't give her coffee, alcohol, sugar...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I keep her away from stressful situations.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27You can't fight her illness for her, Mrs Randall.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30She's more worried about you than she is about herself.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32She thinks she's let you down.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No, it's me. I've let her down!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Little things.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Things I do without thinking. To her, it's like climbing Everest.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- It's not fair.- Life isn't.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49All of her friends are off to university.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Their lives are so happy, full of promise.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56And not one of them worked as hard as she did.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58She's a remarkable young woman.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01She was.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Always so bright and ambitious and full of energy.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Nothing got her down.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I was always sure she'd do something amazing with her life.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Maybe she will.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20No. It's too late.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28The army was my family too, my whole life for 25 years.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Not a day has passed since I left that I haven't felt lost.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I know, "everyone feels like that".
0:22:36 > 0:22:38And I could deal with it, if that's all it was.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41But it's nothing compared to this, to what's in here.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43You have to let go.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46How?! It just keeps going round and round.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Every time I hear a loud noise, or smell something burning.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Every time I close my eyes I see his boot on that road.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- I know how you feel.- Do you?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Yes. I do.- Yeah, right.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I've had men die on me. Good men.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Better men than me.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08And watching them die will stay with me for the rest of my life.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- But some memories have to be buried. - I can't...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15So you can get on with fighting the next battle!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Or your mate will have died for nothing.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20He did! The whole thing was a pointless and stupid waste.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21I don't mean Queen and country.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24The only thing you ever fight for is the man standing next to you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26That's what your mate was doing
0:23:26 > 0:23:28and that's why you have to keep on fighting.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29I just want it to be over.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34It never is. Most days, I feel like I'm still fighting.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38But if I give up, that's just another man lost to the enemy.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And I won't let that happen.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48That was Kevin. He's not coming back.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Just as well.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52No. He said he's never coming back.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54What?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56He said he couldn't face it any more.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- I'll go and talk to him. - I'll come with you.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00He's not at home. I already offered.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Where is he? - I don't know. He wouldn't say.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I think I know.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Hang on, I'll come with you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16He's a para. He's stronger than you think.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20I hope so. But these things don't just go away.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24They have a habit of popping up again years, decades, later.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- He told me what happened to him out there.- He did?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30That's the first time he's talked about it.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33There was this soldier, similar circumstances.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Couldn't stop blaming himself.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39He was on patrol and crouched down to radio in some coordinates.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Man behind him stopped a bullet from a sniper.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Couldn't help thinking, few seconds either way
0:24:46 > 0:24:47and it would have been him.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Survivor's guilt. It's common.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Were you very close?- Hmm?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55To the man who died.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I didn't know him. It was just a story I heard.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's not fair, mate.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20But most of what we see every day isn't fair.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23And when you've got things of your own to deal with,
0:25:23 > 0:25:24it can be unbearable.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- We've all been there, mate. - Have you?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30We know what you're going through.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33You've wished you were dead, have you?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Wished you were lying here instead of her?- No, but...
0:25:36 > 0:25:43Every time I close my eyes I see her rotting flesh, disintegrating,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45piece by piece.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48If there was any justice in this world...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Come on, Kev...- She was my friend.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00You were warm. You were bright.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You had dignity and scruples.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You put your family and love before everything else.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I'm nothing compared to you.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18All I care about is my career.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I'm obsessed with money and reputation.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22That's not true.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And I'm a coward.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Come on, up you get.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37If this is the way of the world, then I don't want any part of it.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Quick! We're out of here! Go!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Go. Just go! Get the barrows in the house!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Mand, I'm not going anywhere until you let me in.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59If you won't help me, back off!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- He was using his neighbour's skip. - What?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04If he wouldn't pay for his own skip, how was I going to get paid?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I never got angry. Not until the day she died.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Everyone has rows. - The things I said.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd