0:00:27 > 0:00:31'Welcome back, you're listening to Letherbridge University Radio.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'OK, so it's time to tell you about a special event
0:00:34 > 0:00:35'happening this evening.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'For one night only, the staff from the Mill Health Centre
0:00:38 > 0:00:42'will be taking to the stage for Talent Spectacular,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46'a charity gala show raising money for our local youth club.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48'Putting themselves in the firing line will be
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'a team of talented doctors and nurses showing you things
0:00:51 > 0:00:54'that they didn't learn at medical school.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57'And casting a critical eye over the proceedings will be a woman
0:00:57 > 0:01:00'who doesn't suffer fools gladly.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05'Yes, our mystery guest judge is sure to bring a hilarious edge to proceedings.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'So, if you want a guaranteed good night out, then
0:01:09 > 0:01:12'tickets are just £10 and will be available on the door...'
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Because nobody's bought any! Oi!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Em! Here's your dress.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Ta-da!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Oh. Thanks, Karen. I might have to do something about the hem.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's, um...yeah....thank you.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Oh, whatever.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Oh, it'll be so much fun. The Supremes, reunited!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Supreme disappointment, more like.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You're not even doing a Diana Ross song.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Yeah, well, it's not in my register.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42What are you doing then? A Barry White number?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44All very well, you sitting there sniggering,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46but I hope you've bought your tickets.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49You are coming?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I can think of better things to do with my spare time.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Oh, yeah, of course.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57You've got that, erm, that award-winning novel to finish, haven't you?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And how's that cure for cancer coming along?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01This close. Ugh!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You're coming, Jimmi, surely?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07No, if I turn up they'll want me to sing, and I've done that before, haven't I? Lonely at the top, is it?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Oh, come on, you two. It's for a good cause.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11No. We found a better one.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12The pursuit of real ale.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14You're going to the pub?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Yeah. We're going to sample the rare delights of Letherbridge Longing.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Sounds like one of those DVDs you keep buying off the internet.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Mm! It's a special brew, it's only available one month of the year
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and I've managed to persuade the Icon to stock it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Well, the least you can do is buy a couple of tickets, even if you don't come and see the show.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37You miserable sods.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41If I don't get back for the show, please apologise to Chris.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It's very sad, but patient welfare must come first.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I do not recall putting a call through to you from Mr Chivers.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Well, I gave him my mobile in case of emergencies.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Oh, now, Dr Carter, when you spoke to him,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00did he also mention that he passed away last Tuesday? No.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04He didn't, did he?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Well, Chris doesn't know that.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09You are asking me to lie for you. Well, bend the truth a little.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I am surprised. I thought that you'd be very keen to appear onstage.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Well, normally, yes, but these performances take such a lot out of me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It's not just singing a song,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22it's sharing a glimpse of my soul with the audience.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Urgent house calls. Please!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29All ready for this evening, Mrs Tembe?
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I have been reading up about this Mr Simon Cowell.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37He is a most unpleasant man.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Yeah, well, that's...that's kind of the point.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43He has an over-inflated sense of his own self importance.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I do not know why you think I am like him.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No, no, no. People like him because he tells the truth, all right,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50no matter how difficult it is to hear.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And it's...it's his straight-talking honesty,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55you know, that made me think of you.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Do you really think so? Yeah, yeah, you know,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04what this show needs is someone who can cut through all those egos
0:04:04 > 0:04:07and just tell people like it is, and I think you're that woman.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Oh, well, er, thank you, Nurse Reid.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16So, you've been here all day. How's everyone getting on?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Dr Carter is hiding in his office.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Thank you. And the others?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Mr Bellamy has phoned in with a "sore throat".
0:04:28 > 0:04:31And he will not be able to make this evening's performance.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34But he has made a very generous donation.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Really? Mm!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, fair enough.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Thank you, Mrs T, I knew I could count on you.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Heston.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Heston. I can see your feet.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Yes, I'm just checking the curtain.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01It's been playing up a bit.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Right. Tech rehearsal is at six, please. OK.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14One of us has got to go. Why?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Because we're partners! And because I told Chris that we would.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22That you would.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24If anyone is going to see the show that talent forgot,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26it is most definitely you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30OK. Let's draw straws.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Let's see what you got, Tiger.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Hold on. There.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Ha! Have fun!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51HE CHUCKLES
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Hello?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31PHONE RINGS
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Chris? Hello.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37You have got to be kidding me!
0:06:39 > 0:06:40So what's happening? Not a lot.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42We're locked out.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I've called the manager's mobile and he forgot that we had a booking,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47so Zara's gone to get the keys from the caretaker.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Well how long is that going to take? I need time to acquaint myself with the stage.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I'm sure she won't be long. It's very unprofessional.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56That's because I'm having to do everything by myself, Heston.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I've got no-one to help with front of house, the lighting or anything else.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01The marketing campaign is me with a felt tip pen.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04So yes, it's probably not what you're used to.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06You're doing a great job, Chris. Yeah.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Did you get the key? No, I just came to see the sights.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yes, of course I've got the stupid key.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Hang on. Where are you going?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Anywhere but here. But we need your help.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You've already had my help. Surely it's somebody else's turn.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Well, well, I was thinking that you could be front of house.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29You are joking? Do I look like an usherette?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Please.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I am not wearing a uniform.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Damn. Deal.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44All right. Hang on a minute.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53We have light!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Is that our set?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56HE SIGHS
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Well, I guess it'll have to be, all right?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03I can't give my Mikado with a giant teapot in the background.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04It'll look ridiculous.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07At least it'll give the audience something entertaining to look at.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Right, can you all just go backstage, please,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11and find our dressing rooms.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Men are on the left, women on the right.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14And where's mine?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Well, if you're a man, then it's on the left
0:08:17 > 0:08:20and if you're a woman... I can't be expected to share!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I need somewhere to prepare, mentally and physically.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Right. Well, there's a room at the end of the corridor.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You can use that. How come he gets his own room?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Because life's not fair. Kev...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Right, I need you to operate the lighting board when I'm onstage.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34I'll be able to do it the rest of the time.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38And somewhere, there should be personal microphones for everybody.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Professional opera singers don't use microphones.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Well, considering we don't have any professional opera singers here,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I thought it might be better if they could hear what you were saying.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Not necessarily. Right! Can we just get a move on, please?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Yes, yes, all right, all right! And where's Mrs Tembe?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I need to run through the opening of the show.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Kev, please get your head round this lighting board. All right, sweet.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02That's more like it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I am so sorry I am late.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I took a little short cut.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yeah, and arrived 20 minutes later than everyone else.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I did not say it was an effective short cut.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Right. There's your chair.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Could you not find something smaller?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28No.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Now, do I have to stay here for all of the performances?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's just I have a little church meeting that... Yes, you do.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38You've got to sit there, watch the acts and then deliver your verdict.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's just I do not want to speak ill of anyone.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oh, don't worry about abuse, they work with Zara.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Hey!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Sorry.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51OK, so we kick off with a classic magic trick.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Actually, I have a problem with it.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Right, and you didn't think to mention this before?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Why is it always the woman that gets sawn in half?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02I mean, I just think it's a male fantasy about control.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05OK. Well, maybe you can start a discussion group
0:10:05 > 0:10:07about it in the bar afterwards.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09But for now, can we just press on, please?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11All right. If you insist. Kev! Track one, please, dude.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18WOMBLES MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:20 > 0:10:22What is that? Track one!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I gave them the CD days ago, they said they'd have it ready.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I can't see it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Right, forget it. I'll look later. Let's just get on.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Right, OK.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I will now saw this lady in half.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I'm not a lady, I'm a woman.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44I will now saw this feminist in half.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Agh! Sorry.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Are you all OK? I'm going to kill you, Tyler.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Just after the show, please?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56OK. Yeah.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Let's just pretend we're at the end of the trick,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01and we go over to Mrs Tembe for comments.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Are you not going to take the saw out of her?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Yes. Later. Just tell me what you thought of the performance.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Right, well, I thought it was very nice.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15And?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It was wonderful.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Well, is that it?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You can be as honest as you like.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Oh, for pity's sake! It was an abomination.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32They managed to mess up what is literally the oldest trick in the book.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34She is at least a generation too old
0:11:34 > 0:11:36to be doing something like this and there is literally no
0:11:36 > 0:11:40excuse for anyone born later than 1895 to be wearing a hat like that.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I would sooner gnaw my own arm off than willingly sit through
0:11:44 > 0:11:46an act like that again.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Um, yeah, yeah. Something a little more like that, Mrs Tembe.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Excuse me...hello?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02If someday it may happen... Oh, for heaven's sake!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06That a victim may be found.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10I've got a little list.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13RECORD PLAYS OUT OF SYNC
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Turn them down!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18You are doing very well, Dr Carter.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Amateurs!
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Hiya!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, nice of you to grace us with your presence.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Somebody had to lock up.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You have got to be kidding me! What?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You just said you were going to turn the hem up.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Well, I just decided to, erm, accessorise a bit.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You look like an explosion in a glitter factory.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You're going to take the attention from Mand. So?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50So! I'm Diana Ross. You're just a Supreme.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Well, you can't even sing her songs properly.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I'd like to see you try. I would, but I wouldn't want to show you up.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Oh, I couldn't possibly compete with one of the finest singers of her generation.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02You know, if you want to take centre stage, knock yourself out.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Fine, if you insist. Good. Sorted then.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16What's going on?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Don't ask.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Hello? Is this on? Can you turn it up?
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Turn it up. Up!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh, that's better.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Are you singing a solo?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Yes. What's wrong with that?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I've heard you in the shower.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Yes, well, the acoustics are all wrong in the bathroom.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Anyway, you don't know what I'm capable of.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38No, I'm...I'm pretty sure I do, Mum. That's...that's the problem.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Diana Ross.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Wrong show.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Let's get started, shall we?
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I shall be singing "Stop, In The Name Of Love"...
0:13:52 > 0:13:53because I can.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I haven't got any backing music. I don't need music.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00No, you really do.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Let's get going. Shall we?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06One, two, three, four...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12There she is.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Letherbridge Longing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18This is the champagne of Birmingham real ale.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Cheers. Mud in your eye.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yeah, there's...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I mean...there's a hint of...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It tastes like fertiliser. Yeah.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# Stop in the name of love
0:14:48 > 0:14:52# Before you break my heart
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# Think it oh-oh-ver
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# Think it oh-oh-ver... #
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Stop!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01In the name of all that is good in the world.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Never have I heard such a thing in my life.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, thank you, Mrs Tembe.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11It was as if a cat was being strangled in a wind tunnel.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13But worse.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I have never heard a human being make such a noise.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19It is the very opposite of music.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22How dare you speak to me like that?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23How dare I?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27After what you have subjected us to, I can say whatever I like.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Quite right, Mrs Tembe.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33No, just wait a minute, you two. I have heard quite enough.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I am going to lie awake screaming at the memory of a...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40of a cherished song being ruined for ever.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Exit stage left. No, no, no. Wait, wait! I'll sing another song.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48A different song... No, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot allow that.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50It would be irresponsible of me
0:15:50 > 0:15:54to allow such an evil to escape into the world.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Fine, well, if that's what you all think,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59then you can do the show without me.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00No, Mum!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I...I...I did not mean to upset her.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I was just speaking my mind, like you said.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I do not want anyone throwing eggs at me.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Don't worry, Mrs Tembe.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13That was exactly what I wanted from you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Next act, please.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21No-one has ever spoken to me like that before.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Really? She's doing what she's been asked to.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25She's meant to be our resident Simon Cowell.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Really? Well, she wouldn't know talent if it bit her.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30'I don't see why we couldn't just get a proper judge in.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33'I mean someone who knows what they're talking about.'
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Emma's mic is still on. Chris.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36'I try and help out, and this is the thanks I get.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39'We're doctors, not entertainers.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42'Why we couldn't just do a raffle or something?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'This is going to be a shambles, a disaster!'
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Shall we carry on?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la... #
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Which one's Heston's?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Do you know what? That's it. I've had enough. Everyone go home.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The show's cancelled. Come on, mate, we're nearly there. Nearly there?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Like the Titanic nearly made it to America? Come on, mate, it's not that bad!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I'll have to pay for this theatre out of my own pocket,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09but I really don't care any more. I've had it with the lot of you.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Well, if nobody appreciates me, then I shall leave.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Emma, you left your microphone on. What?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Oh!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Did they hear?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Yeah. Everything.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Chris is saying the show's cancelled.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Oh, well done(!)
0:17:33 > 0:17:35What? So, that's it? We just go home?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Yeah, I guess.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Well, don't look at me like that. It's not my fault.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I'm not the only one who had doubts about the show.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49The thing is, Emma, your singing sucked! So does your attitude.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55That's right. Blame me.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Make me the scapegoat.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06All right. What can I do?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Are you sure about this? Yep.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I am sick of having to rely on other people who don't give a damn.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Wait. Wait. No, you can't!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Chris, look! I'm so sorry.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Yeah, right. I mean it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Since you've got here, right, you have done nothing but complain.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And you know how important this is to me,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and you just couldn't care less.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34No. I'm so proud of you for organising it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39You know what I'm like, I didn't mean the things I said,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I just...you know, speak first, think later.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45You keep saying this whole show's a joke and maybe you're right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48The whole idea's stupid and we should just stick to what we know.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52No, look, the whole idea was to make people laugh and to raise money.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53And we can still do that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Who cares if it's a bit rough around the edges?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57A bit rough?!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Yeah, come on. We're all here now.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Well, you ain't going on like that, cos you'll upstage Mandy.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Fine.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12I'll stand in the wings if you want, but don't throw in the towel.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Please?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Do you want another? Nah.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26We've only had three quarters. It might be an acquired taste.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Yeah, so is pond water,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30but I don't really want to try another on the off-chance.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Do you want to go and see the show? It's only round the corner.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40It will be awful.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Yeah. Might be fun!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Schadenfreude!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48If it turns out that anybody can sing, I will be severely disappointed.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53I can pretty much guarantee you satisfaction then.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55OK. Yeah!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Is the show any good? I loved it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12See - I told you it would be terrible. Fantastic.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I'm thrilled to see so many of you here.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27If you have come tonight expecting an evening of comedy,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31singing and magic, then you've come to the right place.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33If you're in the mood for bingo tonight,
0:20:33 > 0:20:37then that's at the church hall, which is just down the road.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41The aim of tonight's performance is to raise money
0:20:41 > 0:20:43for the local youth club.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46It's been a major fixture in many of our childhoods,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and it would be a real tragedy to see it slip away.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Due to logistical reasons, we will be performing tonight's
0:20:53 > 0:20:56show on the set of "Pirates in Toyland".
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Unfortunately the pirates didn't make it back in time to clear the set.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01JIMMI AND AL LAUGH
0:21:02 > 0:21:07So, sit back, relax, and enjoy "Talent Spectacular"!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:16 > 0:21:23I will now saw my glamorous assistant...in half.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Oh, wonderful.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Now, this is a Freudian nightmare come true!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37GILBERT AND SULLIVAN BACKING TRACK PLAYS
0:21:52 > 0:21:54APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Does he always do Gilbert and Sullivan songs?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Yeah, I think he was at school with them.
0:22:01 > 0:22:07Well, that was probably the worst performance of that song
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I have heard all evening.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16But, er, it is also the best performance I have heard of that song all evening!
0:22:23 > 0:22:27# In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine
0:22:27 > 0:22:31# Where she carved her name and I carved mine
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Oh, June
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# Like the mountains I'm blue
0:22:35 > 0:22:37# Like the pine
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# I am lonesome for you
0:22:41 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:50# In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# On the trail of the lonesome pine... #
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I think I preferred them when they were silent.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56And invisible.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16MUSIC: "Man! I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Let's go, girls!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21If I don't survive this, tell my parents that I love them.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22C'mon!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# I'm going out tonight
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# I'm feelin' all right
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# Gonna let it all hang out
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# Wanna raise my voice
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# Really make some noise
0:23:36 > 0:23:40# Man, I'm gonna scream and shout
0:23:43 > 0:23:47# No inhibitions, make no conditions
0:23:47 > 0:23:52# Get a little outta line
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# I ain't gonna act politically correct
0:23:55 > 0:24:00# I only wanna have a good time
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# The best thing about being a woman
0:24:03 > 0:24:08# Is her prerogative to have a little fun, and...
0:24:08 > 0:24:13# Oh, oh, oh, totally crazy, forget I'm a lady
0:24:13 > 0:24:15# Men's shirts, short skirts
0:24:15 > 0:24:19# Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah
0:24:19 > 0:24:22# Doin' it in style
0:24:22 > 0:24:27# Oh, oh, oh, get in the action, feel the attraction
0:24:27 > 0:24:29# Colour my hair, do what I dare
0:24:29 > 0:24:32# Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah
0:24:32 > 0:24:36# To feel the way I feel
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# Man! I feel like a woman! #
0:24:42 > 0:24:44C'mon! Clap your hands!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59# The best thing about being a woman
0:24:59 > 0:25:04# Is the prerogative to have a little fun... fun...
0:25:04 > 0:25:08# Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# Forget I'm a lady
0:25:10 > 0:25:12# Men's shirts, short skirts
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah
0:25:15 > 0:25:18# Doin' it in style
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Oh, oh, oh, get in the action
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Feel the attraction
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# Colour my hair, do what I dare
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# To feel the way I feel
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# Man! I feel like a woman!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# I feel like a woman! #
0:25:48 > 0:25:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:57 > 0:26:00That is, without doubt...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03the best performance I have seen all evening!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I just want to say, thank you all so much.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It's brilliant that so many of you have turned out tonight,
0:26:25 > 0:26:30and we have raised £1,030 for the youth club.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I just want to say thank you to the cast and crew,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39but most of all, to you, the audience.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45And...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48..that's all, folks.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55It's a little bit like my first day in the army.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Bit of adrenaline. It's a good thing.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Right, let's go and see...see what the day's got in store, shall we?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Yes, it's one of the most notorious streets in Letherbridge.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12It's only been ten minutes and look what we've found already.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Nice car!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd