0:00:28 > 0:00:31# I've had relations
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# With girls from many nations
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# I've made passes
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# At women of all classes
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# And just because you're gay
0:00:46 > 0:00:48# I won't turn you away... #
0:00:48 > 0:00:50PHONE RINGS
0:00:50 > 0:00:51I'm busy.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Mate, you're always busy.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57What do you want? Well, a simple 'yes' or 'no' would be helpful.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Yeah, well, I'm thinking about it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The offer's not going to be there forever, you know.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03I've got to go.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10DOORBELL CHIMES
0:01:13 > 0:01:17DOORBELL CHIMES REPEATEDLY
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Morning! You again?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Oh, charming as ever.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Kettle's boiled.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36WATER RUNS
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Oh, so, what's on the bucket list today? It's not a bucket list!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Only people that know they're definitely going to die have a bucket list.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54But we don't know what's going to happen... True.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57But then you could get run over by a car tomorrow...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Ah, that's cheerful!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01The specialists I saw yesterday seemed optimistic.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04But in the meantime... We've got the house to ourselves.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I want to watch Casablanca, cos I've wanted to for years. Ahh.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12(AS HUMPHREY BOGART) "I came to your house...for the waters." Eh?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14HE CHUCKLES
0:02:14 > 0:02:18It doesn't... Anyway, for lunch, got to be the Chinese round the corner.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Love their crispy shredded beef. I reckon we've earned it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22And then...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Yeah?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Well, one thing at a time.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Ah, I see you haven't bothered to put on your costume today either.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38No, I am sticking it to the man.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Yes, well, the man happens to be your boss.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Our boss. And if he's so keen on those ridiculous costumes,
0:02:45 > 0:02:46he can wear them himself.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49He made it perfectly clear yesterday
0:02:49 > 0:02:51that we need people to sign up to the campus surgery.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55The sooner we get those signatures on the dotted line, the sooner we can leave.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58So cynical, Reid. You're beginning to sound like me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01What is all this?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It dawned on me yesterday... Embarrassing Bodies. Say what?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Students love that show, so why not do something inspired by it?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Students love taking drugs and skipping lectures.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Doesn't mean that we should encourage them.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'm going to get a discreet consulting area
0:03:15 > 0:03:18where I can take digital photos of their...
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yeah? ..revolting bits.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And then anybody who wants advice,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26or wants to see the photos of the...revolting bits
0:03:26 > 0:03:29has to sign up to the campus surgery first.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Yeah, you're right, it sounds incredibly discreet...!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Well, I've called in some favours. Are you sure this is ethical?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Bribing students to stare at each other's...genital abnormalities?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Since when have you worried about what's ethical?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Anyway, have you got a better idea?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Yes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Yes, I have.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49GIGGLING
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I never said it was boring!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52You watched 15 minutes!
0:03:52 > 0:03:58So if you're not game for movies, what's next instead, huh?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I can show you, if you like...?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Wh-what you doing with your mouth?! What's...?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I want to have sex... Huh? ..with you.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09It's on the list.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You're joking?! Thanks.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, no, it's just... We're friends.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16It's on the list because...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I'm a virgin. Don't laugh. I wouldn't dare.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I've had a bit of a...fumble with a couple of lads,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26but nothing serious.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I know that makes me about as rare as the Letherbridge unicorn...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31We've never...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I know you're not seeing anyone at the moment.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Not that that matters. I might not be around forever.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I know you're not gay.
0:04:39 > 0:04:45I just want simple, uncomplicated sex.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Where's the harm?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, if you put it like that...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I don't bite.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05No, no. Sorry, no. That can't happen. Sorry.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09HE SIGHS Sorry. No.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I was up all night working on this new app.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Kapow! What does it do?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It helps you work out the impact on your body
0:05:18 > 0:05:20of the alcohol you consume.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23As I'm sure you know, alcohol is the biggest driver
0:05:23 > 0:05:27of inappropriate teenage behaviour, including unplanned sex.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Are you sure inebriated students are going to be able to use your app?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I reckon I can get a tie-in with the student bar,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35maybe even a little bit of sponsorship.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I've done a list of cocktails and promotions they've got going on over there.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Let me have a look.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Properly!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So, you've got your avatar, and then you customise that
0:05:48 > 0:05:50with your own age, height, weight, gender.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54As you enter your alcohol consumption, you get an instant idea
0:05:54 > 0:05:59of the effect it's having on your brain function, liver damage, etc.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Oh! Your little man's just had his leg amputated...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It's fun, but educational.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07And if people want the app, they have to sign up with the campus.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Now, they can do it here, but if they do it online
0:06:10 > 0:06:12they get sent a link where they can download the app.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Seems an awful lot of hassle just to get a few signatures on a form!
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Says you!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It's much cooler than some TV show.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22And it's far less work for us.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Yes, well, it's not my idea of fun,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27watching nerds play with their phones. No offence.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I'm not asking for your help.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Oh, we'll let the public decide, then, shall we? Bring it on.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Yes, well, speaking of which, let's get cracking.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You're smashing. You're lovely.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Drop dead gorgeous. Prob-probably.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44But I've just never seen you as... girlfriend material.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I don't want a boyfriend I just want...sex.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yeah, but I've known you for so long.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I've never seen you in that way.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Would it help if I stuck a paper bag over my head?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Now, that would be a whole new order of weird...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00It's not like I've got...time to wait and see
0:07:00 > 0:07:03if someone else comes into my life.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06HE EXHALES
0:07:06 > 0:07:09So you're really sure about this? I'm really, really sure.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Cos I don't want to make you worse, or, or hurt you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I'm ill, I'm not made of china!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I've given this a lot of thought.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23OK... Whoa! What you doing?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27You're a bloke. You're designed to respond to visual stimuli...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Uh... Yeah, it's...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32it's a nice bra. Is that the best you can do?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Give me a cuddle. What?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Give me a cuddle! Right. Yeah.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46PHONE RINGS Oh, one second. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Yeah? I'm at the freshers' fair.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53'I thought you said you weren't going anywhere near it this year?' Nah.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Listen, there's this woman doctor, yeah?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Quite fit, for her age. Doing some sort of sexual health thing.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02'You would not believe what the guys reckon they're going to show her!'
0:08:02 > 0:08:07I'm kind of busy... Dude! Seriously, haul your sorry ass down here!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I'm really sorry, but I need to go, I've got to go and see a mate.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17If I don't go, he's bound to do something stupid... Oh. OK.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21But I will get the Chinese on the way back, so...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Sure.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26That queue's just ridiculous.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Hmm?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yeah, you've made the right choice.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Is it going to take much longer?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37The app has been tested on all major platforms.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It's not my fault you haven't updated your OS.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And...there you go.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49It's crashed.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52What, the app? No, the whole thing. It's frozen!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Give it here. I'll see if I can... Don't worry, mate.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'll get one of the IT boffins to sort it out.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01There you are! You've been keeping a low profile.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Well, you know, things to do.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Remind me again, why are we here?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10If we're lucky, that fit doctor will be giving out free condoms.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Seeing as it's freshers' week, I might have to get a few packets.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15You poor, deluded...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Oh, I emailed you some photos of the villa. Looks beautiful.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And don't forget, even at this time of year,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24the babes in the south of France...
0:09:24 > 0:09:25HE CHUCKLES
0:09:25 > 0:09:27What? I'm just being honest.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31So, have you got any, er, intimate problems to share with the doctor?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I'm only here because you told me to come.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You don't usually do what I say.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Well, it...seemed like a good opportunity. Oh, yeah?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Yeah, to talk to somebody.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You could talk to me. No way!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47OK, well, try not to touch it but, in the meantime,
0:09:47 > 0:09:52any other problems, just come to the surgery, all right?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Everything alright? It's nothing I can't handle,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57preferably with a cattle prod.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Why? Have you offered to come and help? No. It's every doctor for himself, remember?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02SHE SIGHS
0:10:02 > 0:10:06It's taking ages to do the diagnoses and upload the photos.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'll buy you your weight in ale...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Aha! If I thought for a second you meant that...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Anyway, I'm far too busy. Doing what?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Creating a splash online.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19If you'd like to come through.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27EQUIPMENT CLATTERS
0:10:27 > 0:10:29PHONE RINGS
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Hello? Ah! My knight in shining armour. Everything OK?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42'Look, I've tried to phone the Mill, but, erm...'
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You thought you'd come to me first? 'Well, no, but...'
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Look, I don't suppose you're signing up lots of people to the campus surgery, are you? 'Hardly.'
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Well, maybe we could do with a younger doctor down here.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I mean, you know what students are like. If you're over 20, they think you're ancient.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00'And if you're 30, then you're pensionable.' I'm over 30!
0:11:00 > 0:11:05'Oh... Yes, of course you are, sorry.' OK, yeah, I'm happy to help.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'Really?' I should be on my lunch break now anyway.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I'll head straight over...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Right, who's next?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18How can I help? Well, I don't know, darling.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22My...thing has seen so much action recently I'm surprised it hasn't fallen off.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Right. So, are you telling me that it's sore?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Well, I am a bit worried... Really?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30..that it's so big it's affecting my centre of gravity.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32GIGGLING
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So there's actually nothing wrong with your penis at all?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Well... No, no. I'm happy to give you a full examination.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Come on. No, no, you're all right. I wouldn't want to put you out. Sure?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Right. Next?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Come on, come on.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59What you doing?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03This new app that Al's made for students, he's sent me the link.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Any good? Well...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08right now, I'm just trying to fill my little man with booze
0:12:08 > 0:12:10to see how quickly I can kill him, and...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Boom! Yes! Dead before his 30th birthday!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Isn't that a bit tasteless?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Well, it's...educational.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19What's that?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, that's all the other users.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24There's quite a few for its first day. It's good.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'm sorry about Jay. He can be such an idiot sometimes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Is he a friend of yours? Yeah. Well...sort of.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Look, anything you want to say is in confidence...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42OK. Erm...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I've had a proposal.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It's a bit embarrassing.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it just feels a bit...
0:12:50 > 0:12:54weird. What is the proposal?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Well, it's sex. Obviously.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02But it's the last person I expected to...
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Look, would it help if you spoke to a male doctor?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I don't know. He's very nice, and he's an excellent listener.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Jimmi?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I thought you'd be in costume. Yes, very funny.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Erm, Jimmi, this is David.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I think he could do with a chat.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39HOWARD SIGHS
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What are you doing? You know me, boss. Working hard.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46It doesn't look like that from where I'm standing.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49No, I've developed this awesome new app.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53If the students want it, they have to sign up as new patients.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Mmmm.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Didn't like the costumes?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Oh, no, we got some, er, bad feedback from the students.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02They thought it was a bit patronising.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04At least somebody's taken the initiative.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Initiative? She's just appealing to people's base instincts.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Well, whatever she's doing, it seems to be working.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Could you please spare some of your time and help reduce the queue?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16No can do. I've got to fix this bug.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19There's a time and a place. Get over there and give her a hand.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22But once this app goes viral...Kapow! Alistair!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I was six or seven,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35and her family were the first non-white people on our street.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I said I'd always look after her.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And you're still friends?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44We went to school together, helped each other revise for GCSEs...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Even when we started going out with people, it didn't matter.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51You're both at uni?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55I am. But she's, erm, put it on hold for the moment.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57She got ill a few months back.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01No energy, sweating at night...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Turns out she has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08OK. So you want to talk about your friend's condition?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Not really. Erm...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12She's got this bucket list,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and there's one particular item on there...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Like, anything else, of course, I'd help. But...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25What does she want to do?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28She wants to have sex. OK.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31With me. OK.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35It just feels weird. Even thinking about it...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38And I'm not even sure it would be safe. For her, I mean.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Well, she might find it tiring, but it's not going to do her any harm.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I'd recommend you use condoms, though.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Look, at the end of the day, it's your choice.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50We're just here to give advice. I think that's the idea.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54But I would say, try to look at it from Sukhi's angle.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58She's going to feel vulnerable. Lonely, even.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Yeah, her mum died a few years back, and her dad's away a lot.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Right, so it's only natural that she's going to be craving intimacy.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Who better than with her best friend?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah, I get all that.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15And I have been giving it some thought. I guess that's why I'm here.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18But I just don't think I can do it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Why not?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Well, she's...she's ill.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Maybe dying.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It's just not very...
0:16:27 > 0:16:31sexy. Does that sound shallow? No, it sounds honest.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Every morning,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I have to build myself up before I see her
0:16:37 > 0:16:40so that I can be positive and optimistic,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43because I have to be the strong one, right?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Well, she may be stronger than you think.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48And it doesn't help that my mate wants me to go on holiday with him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52His parents are paying. Flights, accommodation, the lot.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56He reckons I should forget about everything and recharge my batteries.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59But it's right in the middle of Sukhi's chemo.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04And I hate the fact that I'm even thinking about it.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06But it is such a good opportunity.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09So you've made your decision, then?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I think so.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yes.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Mate, I seriously suggest you join some societies.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I got a snog off the girl from the Christian Society
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and a free book from the History Society.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Or was it the other way round?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34You're not interested in history. Or God.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I might be, one day.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You all right? You don't want to know.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Try me.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Sukhi has got this bucket list, right...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Yeah, yeah. She said.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I didn't know she'd told you. Yeah, she mentioned it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51She said she wanted to talk to me about you,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53ask my advice on something.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I didn't think she'd talk to you about it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Look, mate, I'm just following orders.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00She told me, in no uncertain terms, to get you away from Letherbridge.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Ah. You're talking about the holiday.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yeah, course I'm talking about the holiday.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09What, she put you up to it?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Look, she called me up one day, out of the blue, and just said...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Wait a minute, what are you talking about?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18No, it doesn't matter. No, come on, out with it!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I thought you were talking about something on her list. Yeah?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27She wants to have sex with me.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29And are you going to?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Going to what? Do the dirty? No, course I'm not!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Mate, most blokes would jump at the chance! I'm not most blokes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Listen, I'm not saying anything with a pulse here.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I mean, I know she's sick and that, and I'm sorry,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43but if she wants to, and you want to, then what's the problem?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I don't want to. That's the problem!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Well, if you're not up for it, maybe I should chance my arm?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54What? She's a pretty fit bird, your mate Sukhi.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Sounds like she's gagging for it.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yeah?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02HE WINCES What the...?!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04David? David?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Go and see Dr Reid, in there.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09David?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20What just happened in there?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I don't know.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Was it your mate? Did he say something?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27No, it was nothing.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Was it about Sukhi?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Look, erm, I've got to get back to the surgery. Do you want a lift?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41OK. Where shall I drop you?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48OK, let me have a look.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54No, I don't think that's broken.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55I was just trying to do him a favour.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Are you saying you provoked him on purpose?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02That's twice in two days. He's hit you before?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04What? David? No.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Who, then?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Last night, some girl came up to me and she smacked me in the chops,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12saying I'd given her some sort of... disease, or something.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16And have you? No!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Well...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22A couple of days ago, we both got absolutely munted at a party,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25and, to be honest, I don't really know what happened.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28All right. Well, look, do you mind if I examine you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:33It's important we find out if you have contracted anything.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34OK.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Listen, about earlier...
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Don't worry about it. Just me being stupid.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43No, you weren't. You...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh, I didn't realise this would be so difficult.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Come on. Out with it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Jay's been hassling me about going on holiday with him.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56And you've decided to go?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, he keeps on telling me I need a break.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Hmm. You've not been yourself the last few weeks.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I've worn you out. Don't be daft.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08He's right though. Bit of sun'll do you good.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12I'm always worried my pale English skin will blind the locals.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14HE LAUGHS
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I know that you asked Jay to arrange this.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I'm sure I'm meant to be looking after you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Call it self-interest. You're no good to me if you're knackered!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I thought it was a bit odd.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Right at the start of term, even for a lazy prat like Jay...!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31But you don't want me around for the chemo, do you?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34SHE SIGHS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I told him not to tell you.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38No, I kind of guessed.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I'm clever like that, you know.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You're still going, right?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I'm still going to be here when you get back.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Nah, I'm staying put.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56It's time I manned up and was a proper friend.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59When we were kids, I said I'd always protect you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03And nothing has changed, right?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04SHE GIGGLES
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Right, I'll send your swabs off to the lab,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and then they'll be able to phone you with the results.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15But I need to take your number first. Sure.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20And, if you have got chlamydia, that would explain your symptoms.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24But I would advise that you go to a sexual health clinic.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26They can give you a much wider range of tests,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and it's completely confidential.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I would advise you also take your partner.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35She's not my partner. I think she was just taking pity on me.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Are you in the habit of having unprotected sex?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'm not in the habit of having any sort of sex.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And how often can't you remember what happened the night before?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well...How else do you measure a good night out, eh?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49No, I know what you're going to say.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Oh, you do, do you?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55"You drink too much, and you don't take life seriously."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57What do you think?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I think I take life too seriously.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That's why I do this.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I just need to block it out, you know?
0:23:06 > 0:23:11Sometimes it just feels like it's the easiest way to get through.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I'd like you to make an appointment to see me on Monday.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19I'd like to talk to you some more, if that's all right?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Sure. Good.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I don't want you staying just out of sympathy.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32What is so wrong with sympathy?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I worry about you all the time, but it's not a bad thing.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I just thought that it'd be easier with you out the way.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43If my hair falls out, if I spend all my time throwing up...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I'll be around to help.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Hmm, well, maybe not for the vomiting bit, cos it makes me queasy,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51but everything else.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Well, I look forward to making your life a misery.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01..and don't worry about this.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06There.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11A job well done.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I think the students are retreating to their natural environment...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16the pub.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Right, the scores on the doors...
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Emma has managed to sign up just shy of 500. Wow.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27And Doctor Al Haskey...
0:24:27 > 0:24:28eight.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30EMMA GIGGLES
0:24:30 > 0:24:35See? That's what happens when you appeal to someone's base instinct.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Eight.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40KAREN EXHALES
0:24:42 > 0:24:43COMPUTER BLEEPS
0:24:43 > 0:24:45No, no, no!
0:24:45 > 0:24:49You... Don't do this to me!
0:24:49 > 0:24:50COMPUTER BLEEPS
0:24:50 > 0:24:52It took me ages to do that!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Computers are down!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I know!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I'll sort it out!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Want to help me get to the end of Mass Effect 3?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'm told it's a bit...controversial.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07HE LAUGHS
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I think I've got a better idea.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Hmm?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Thanks, Karen. I'll get on to it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Problem?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Yeah, you could say that.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Our IT systems have crashed.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Both surgeries. Oh, and the website.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You're sharing the infrastructure. I've said it a thousand times,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58you're just asking for an accident to happen.
0:25:58 > 0:26:0147,000 people have tried to sign up to the surgery.
0:26:02 > 0:26:0447,000?!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06HE GASPS
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Haskey wins in a landslide!
0:26:08 > 0:26:1147,000, most of whom are not even resident in the UK,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13never mind Letherbridge.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16So, unless you're thinking on extending the practice to most of the known world...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I don't know why you're getting so angry.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21In a way, I've done you a favour. What?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Well, I've stress-tested your IT systems.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Let's hope this is easily fixed. Of course it will be.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It'll be a matter of turning the switch off and on again.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32How difficult can that be? It's easy to make a mistake
0:26:32 > 0:26:35when it's not your responsibility to clean it up.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Doctor Reid, 500.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Doctor Al Haskey, 47,008!
0:26:58 > 0:27:0136 Calton Street has too many terrible memories.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03We can't let this woman open that house up.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07You didn't grow up round here. You wouldn't know that two girls
0:27:07 > 0:27:10were murdered in that house and buried in the cellar.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I really appreciate you helping me get the word out.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15You never forget how important this is.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Ooh. The House of Horrors indeed.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd