0:00:35 > 0:00:37Excuse me.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Yes, you.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Over here.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44We have a litter situation.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Hang on. You need to pick that lot up.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- No, I don't.- You are a cleaner?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54External spaces are the groundsman's job.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I'm just asking you to pick up a few bottles!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Like I said.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Do you know who I am?!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04A prat in a hat.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07What's going on?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Blatant noncompliance.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I ask a cleaner to clean up, only to be met with abuse.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Hey! What about these?!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Consider yourself reported!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24What do you think you're doing?!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Check out the label.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30It's a joke, Barry.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35PHONE BEEPS
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- 'Hello, this is Bill Abbot...'- Hi. - '..sorry I can't take your call
0:01:38 > 0:01:40'but please leave a message after the tone.'
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Hi, It's me, Karen.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Yesterday was wonderful.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Would you fancy doing it again?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Lunch or dinner
0:01:54 > 0:01:57or something else - food doesn't have to be involved.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59We could... I don't know, clubbing?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That's always good, I'm always up for a boogie.
0:02:02 > 0:02:08So... Well, you've got my number. Call me. Bye. Bye-bye.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! All right, move back.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Is this yours?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Step away from the cracker.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You three, clear the area.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Base, this is Barry. Over.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31STATIC CRACKLES
0:02:31 > 0:02:33HE TUTS
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Base, this is Barry. Please respond. Over.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38HE SIGHS
0:02:38 > 0:02:43RINGTONE: BRASS VERSION OF THE SWEENEY THEME
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Barry.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I have an emergency situation.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So call the station number. Don't use my personal mobile!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50'I've told you that before.'
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I have a suspicious package at Letherbridge University.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Could you alert the bomb squad? - What?!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58There is a potentially explosive device on campus.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I'm in the process of evacuating the area.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We need to deploy EOD personnel.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Oi, you lot! Keep it down!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Right, OK. You'd better give me some details.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13It's approximately 18 inches in diameter and six feet in length.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15What, a massive pipe bomb?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Erm...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's more, er, cracker-shaped.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Barry...
0:03:24 > 0:03:25is it a cracker?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Yes.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32So you've got something that's shaped like a Christmas cracker
0:03:32 > 0:03:34'and it's Christmas.'
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You have to take this seriously. There could be anything inside it.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42My money's on a paper hat but, all right, I'll send a panda car over.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45No!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46CRACKER POPS
0:03:49 > 0:03:51You could be dead!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52OK, gather round.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Oh, isn't it wonderful?
0:03:54 > 0:04:01Colleagues, friends, I know we've had a long and taxing week.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Very taxing.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And, yes, we've endured many hardships.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07CLATTERING
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Any chance of a hand?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Bucket's in the back.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17All in good time, Howard. Where was I?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Hardships.- Yes, we've endured many hardships,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and, yes, we have had our disagreements.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24If you're giving a team talk,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26shouldn't you wait for the rest of the team?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I will address the latecomers...later. Mandy.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Sorry!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36We've had our disagreements but, with a fair wind,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39we have a chance of not just of being marvellous but of restoring
0:04:39 > 0:04:45a sense of history and Britishness to the pantomime tradition.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47There's me thinking it was a bit of fun for the kids.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51We are on the brink of something extraordinary here.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55When we step out onto this stage tomorrow night
0:04:55 > 0:05:02we have the opportunity of showing what we're capable of.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06We few. We happy few. We band of brothers(!)
0:05:06 > 0:05:08But it is imperative, Al,
0:05:08 > 0:05:14that we iron out any issues in today's dress rehearsal.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16So, costumes.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Heston, I just wanted to say I won't let you down.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22That's the spirit. Mandy, can you set the stage for act one?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24We don't have Mrs Tembe so we're skipping the prologue.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I'm going as fast as I can!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Just to let you know I've made a change to my dialogue, here.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Change it back. - Yeah, it's bad English.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Bad English?- Hm. - My language skills are impeccable.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I have checked every reference, every word, every syllable.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Yeah, but it's not funny.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Do you have a sense of humour?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I have spent my morning dealing with potentially hazardous situations.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52There is nothing amusing about this.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Oh, there's been more than one situation?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yeah, somebody left empty bottles on the footpath.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Oh!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01They appeared empty, Dr Tyler.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04What's to say they didn't contain sarin gas, or anthrax spores?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It was clearly a joke.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Someone had written "bowl me over" on the labels
0:06:08 > 0:06:10and there was a ball made out of bottle tops.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It sounds like a silly prank.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Or a clever ruse to lull the public into a false sense of security.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20So are you going to tell us what was in the cracker?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Yeah.- Oh!
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Hey! HE CHUCKLES
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I saved them for finger-printing.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It looks like an anagram.
0:06:31 > 0:06:39"Barry, you've pulled." Maybe the anagram is the location?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43The clock could be the date and the time.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Your date could be wearing a Santa hat.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh, now that is quite clever.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52I've got it. Orca Bin - it's an anagram for Icon Bar!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Oh!- Yeah.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57All this washing and cooking and cleaning -
0:06:57 > 0:07:00there aren't enough hours in the day.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I wish I were a little bird
0:07:03 > 0:07:06then I would fly away.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'd flutter out of the window
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and dance upon the wind.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13I'd soar...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Look out! Look out! Look out! - Oops.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Should I start again? - I'll move this bucket.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21No, just carry on from there. And, Valerie...
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- be careful.- Yes, I will.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I'd soar over the rooftops
0:07:27 > 0:07:31leaving my all troubles far behind...
0:07:31 > 0:07:32SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Behind!
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Uglies!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Cinders, what's the matter with you? My breakfast in bed is long overdue.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47She's been shirking again that's plain to see.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Stop, stop! Can we inject a tad more passion, please?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- And, Cinders - less fluttering. - They missed their cue.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Get on with it!- To be honest, we don't have a lot to work with here.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's not really us, it's the script. What if I change my line...?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- No.- You haven't even heard my suggestion.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I suggest you focus on your performance.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Which, quite frankly, is abysmal!
0:08:08 > 0:08:13'Still no contact from Phil. Have decided to play it cool.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17'No more calls till four at the earliest.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21'I will suggest Bertrando's for dinner. He can pay.'
0:08:29 > 0:08:33PHONE BEEPS
0:08:33 > 0:08:35RINGING
0:08:35 > 0:08:38'You're through to Maggie's voice mail. Leave a message.'
0:08:38 > 0:08:44Maggie, where are you? We need to meet up. I've got news!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I've met someone...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and he is gorgeous.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I think we're going out tonight,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57so if you're free tomorrow that'd be fab. Give us a bell.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Um, yeah, bye-bye, bye.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Your sisters are stupid and ugly and...crass.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You're the one with the brains, beauty and class.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Where are the Uglies?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Powdering their noses?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13What? They're on in a minute.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16But, Buttons, I'm all grubby and dressed in rags.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Your sisters are stupid, ignorant nags.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Zara, would you mind? - Isn't that your job?- Please?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Don't let them hear you. You'll get the sack.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27And I'll be left to take the flak.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I'll never leave you. Have no fear.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32While I still breathe, I will be here.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Sorry, wardrobe malfunction. Daniel's just coming.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- He got his bustle caught in the loo door. - THEY LAUGH
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Hark! Is that a knock I heard?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Sh! Buttons, don't say another word.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Careful! Oh, Valerie Pitman, you're an accident waiting to happen.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Hey, Cinders, you've kicked the bucket.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You'd better come inside with me.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57We weren't expecting company.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Come on, Cinders, let me see. What's in your delivery?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Wait a minute while I look, then I'll let you off the hook.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Prince Charming's holding a Grand Ball.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15At his castle, in the great hall.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17There's no point in getting excited.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I don't suppose that we're invited.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23There's an invite for father, and one for Daisy.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26This one's for Buttercup and this one's for me!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Where's mine then?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It's OK, you go. I'll stay at home and watch the footie.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Al, I will not tolerate your ridiculous ad-libs.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35What if I make them rhyme?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37No. Let's go from the top.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40And, Valerie, can you be a little bit more excited
0:10:40 > 0:10:41when you realise you're invited?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44You haven't been out of the house in years and now you're going
0:10:44 > 0:10:47to the grand ball so... do a little dance or something.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Oh, yeah, right.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54There's an invite for father and one for Daisy.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55This one's for Buttercup...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- SHE GASPS - ..and this one's for me!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Yeah!
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Bucket! SHE SCREAMS
0:11:18 > 0:11:20We've clearly got a health and safety issue here.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Take it up with Mandy. She's props.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You've tweaked your Achilles.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26So maybe I can carry on if it's just a tweak.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Best thing is to put some ice on it, rest it up.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30But what about rehearsals?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33If she puts any weight on it, it's going to get worse.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- I'll be fine.- She'll be fine.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Ooh. Ah.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Oh, it's just like Judi Dench in Cats.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Perhaps I could do it sitting down, just for a bit.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Good idea. Crisis over. OK, Uglies, ready with your cue.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Al, take it from your first line.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Come on, Cinders, let me see. What's in your delivery?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02INAUDIBLE
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Invitations?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Wait a minute while I look.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- That's your line. - Oh! Sorry, sorry. I can't think!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- It's the pain.- Valerie's clearly in no...
0:12:16 > 0:12:17HE SIGHS
0:12:17 > 0:12:19She's clearly in no fit state to continue.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22As her understudy, I'll take it from here. But...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24No buts. Go and get an icepack on that.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Have I missed much?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Mandy, where are you? Mrs Tembe's here.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Dr Carter, I have been thinking about my costume.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Not now.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I think I've pulled a cracker.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Don't worry, I'm willing to forget your trashy past.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08It was a joke.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Perhaps if I would vouch...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13HE CLEARS THROAT
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- HIGH VOICE:- Perhaps if you would vouch for me,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17they'd let me past security.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- DEEP VOICE:- I'm not without pity, darling daughter.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I am a stickler for procedure and order.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- HIGH VOICE:- Rules can bend. Please, let me attend.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- DEEP VOICE:- Well, if I did that I wouldn't know who I was any more.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- That's not right! - He's gone off-piste.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34There will be other balls.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Keep your leg raised!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38There will be other balls.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41One day, when my remortgage application has been accepted
0:13:41 > 0:13:44and my crippling financial situation has been quantifiably eased
0:13:44 > 0:13:46then I will buy you a dress.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Howard, those are not your lines!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Buttons. Where's Buttons?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS Oh, for heaven's sake!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Mandy!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- MUSIC STOPS - Sorry.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Just not good enough!
0:14:00 > 0:14:01I said I was sorry!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Do you want me to continue where I left off?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07No. Let's move on.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13The Baron and Buttons have departed, leaving Cinders alone and sad.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- HIGH VOICE:- Oh, I'm so sad and alone.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29While my sisters dance, I'm all stuck at home. Ooh.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Ooh, I wonder who that can be.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34KNOCKING
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I'd better go and see.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46It's an old beggar woman.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I know, I know.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Mrs Tembe? A word.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Well, I do not know what all of the fuss is about.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03This is a traditional English pantomime.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And what about multiculturalism?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I notice I am the only person of colour on this stage.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Oi! What about me?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12With a speaking part.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I think Mrs Tembe looks splendid.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Well, thank you, Dr Carmichael.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21She may look splendid but she doesn't look like a fairy godmother!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Have you ever seen a fairy godmother, Heston?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I say go with the pleats and the beautiful headdress.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You didn't spend hours sewing sequins on her flaming wings.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Why don't we get the cast together to vote on it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- That is a fair solution. - This is not a democracy.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Why don't you come out and we can have a chat? Look, erm...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07If you want a date, you can call me on this number...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Your dazzling beauty ha totally disarmed me!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Prince Charming, please, I ask to hush.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Methinks you're making me look quite blush.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38If I cannot speak, then may I kiss your ch...!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40SHE LAUGHS
0:16:40 > 0:16:45You will be performing this in front of an audience in 24 hours!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49I can't take it seriously! This is the cheesiest dialogue ever written,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and Cinderella's a six-foot-tall ex-para!
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Valerie will be back in her glass slippers by tomorrow...
0:16:56 > 0:16:57The dialogue still stinks...
0:16:57 > 0:17:01She's right. No hot-blooded male would...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You will not...I repeat, NOT, change one word of this script!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Continue!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Midnight chimes!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Be still, my beating heart. It's almost midnight - I must depart.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And find myself some decent lines.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Stay awhile, my sweet!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Can you not see...
0:17:27 > 0:17:28ZARA GIGGLES
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Prince Charming you're so masterful -
0:17:32 > 0:17:35demanding script changes with no thought to your personal safety.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Hands off, Ugly! He's mine. - You want some, Cinders?!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- No need for me to brawl, I have grace and beauty on my side.- Easy.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Shame he's not more like panto man the rest of the time.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Would it be terribly wrong of me
0:17:48 > 0:17:50to say that I prefer Howard's Cinders to Valerie's?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53He does bring a certain je ne sais quoi to proceedings.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56You've changed your tune.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57It's a girl's prerogative!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Anyway, listen...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Thank you for talking me into putting on a frock
0:18:04 > 0:18:06and making a fool of myself.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09The pleasure is all mine. You're a breath of fresh air, Jimmi,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11in or out of a DD bra.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Prince Charming, hush! You're making me blush.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16We'd better stop there, Jimmi, or I'll have to kiss you.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24What's happening? Ten minutes for a scene change is hardly audience-friendly.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27What we need is a bit of business front of curtain.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- An ice cream vendor? - No! Not that kind of business!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32A comedy act, say the Baron and Buttons
0:18:32 > 0:18:35have a bit of banter in front of the curtain.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"How many ugly sisters does it take to change a light-bulb?" That kind of thing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- I'm up for it.- I haven't got time to write a sketch!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Don't you worry about that, we'll come up with something.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Absolutely not! I'm not having my artistic integrity
0:18:46 > 0:18:50compromised by your random insertions.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Mandy, it's taking too long. Can we lose the bloomers?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Tell you what, Heston,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58if my scene change isn't to your satisfaction, why don't YOU do it?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00With or without the bloomers.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03On second thoughts, I'll have something by tomorrow....
0:19:03 > 0:19:05To me.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Hi, Phil. It's me again.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36Listen. Bertrando's has got a two-for-one offer on tonight.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42But you've got to book soon, so call me.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46KEYPAD TONES
0:19:47 > 0:19:49SHE SIGHS
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Hey, Mum... Karen.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Man, this is weird...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07OK.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Stuff to trigger your memory.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Remember that awful Christmas party where you poisoned everyone?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16And you caught me in bed with the next door neighbour's daughter?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It was ages ago, before we moved. You really loved our new house.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Shame about the woman next door!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27You hated her. She reported us for running a brothel.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Strictly speaking, that was just me and Immie.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34You got her back at that Botox party.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38You switched pens and Daniel drew all over her face in permanent marker.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Amazing! - We're going! >
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Yeah, I'm coming... Got to go, Mum.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, about the misunderstanding at the hospital...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53just forget about it. I just wanted to see you.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55All right. OK, I'll see you soon. Bye!
0:21:09 > 0:21:10J...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Jack.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24RINGING TONES
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Hello.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Jack?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Tom. Jack's popped out.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Oh...- Who's calling?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Um...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36A friend of the...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I went to school with his mum.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I heard she's been having a rough time.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Well, she's doing really well.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Um...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Are you a mate of his?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Flatmate.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Oh!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- And how is he doing? - Who did you say you were again?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59A friend of Karen's.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And she really wants to know if he's got a girlfriend?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Well, maybe she could call Jack herself, then. Look, I need to go.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08SHE SOBS
0:22:11 > 0:22:14SHE WEEPS
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Ahhh...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- You don't want any misunderstandings down the pub.- Thanks.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Thank you, everyone. I think we've finally got there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You really need to rethink that last song, Heston.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- The audience aren't going to know the words.- They'll be long gone!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36The Dickie Bird and the Owl is a classic...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39All right, print some song sheets, just in case.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41We're going to do the comedy interlude? The Baron-Buttons bit?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Yes, I'll get it written. - The fundamental issue here
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- is what are we going to do if Valerie can't perform? - Mandy'll step in.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Oh, yeah! Of course, she will!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55She's the PERFECT person to play a downtrodden skivvy!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58What shall I do for an encore? Fire-breathing?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Or maybe, I could spin plates on the end of my broom stick
0:23:02 > 0:23:04while blowing smoke out of me ears!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Where did that come from?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I'm detaining you on suspicion of theft
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and criminal damage in accordance with section 24A
0:23:23 > 0:23:25of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1974!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29You've been littering my campus!
0:23:29 > 0:23:34- Your campus?- You stole my keys! Vandalised my car!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I decorated it. I am a creator. You are the destroyer.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I generate, you terminate.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42What are you flaming on about?
0:23:42 > 0:23:47It is very simple, Mr Barry Biglow, third head in charge of security.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Last week, you destroyed my final year project.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- I can assure you, I did not! - I have witnesses!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56They challenged you as you stuck a term's worth
0:23:56 > 0:23:57of my art in the incinerator.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Oh, you mean that old heap of junk in the Quad?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05That was my Throwaway Life exhibition.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09The mouldy mattress with the empty beer cans and half-eaten pizza?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10My Breakfast In Bed piece.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12A commentary on the fragile evanescence
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- of post-compulsory education. - And the rusty bikes?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19My Bypass project, a response to the abandonment of traditional,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22low-impact transportation in favour of vehicular modes
0:24:22 > 0:24:24based on carboniferous fuel-guzzling.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I thought a flytipper had breached perimeter security.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Well, now you know better! But that is the past.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I have channelled my pain,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and from the ashes of My Throwaway Life rises Pick Me Up.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42After today, I hope that you'll be able to
0:24:42 > 0:24:44differentiate between art and trash.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50MUSIC: Theme From "The Benny Hill Show"
0:25:00 > 0:25:03ALL LAUGH
0:25:07 > 0:25:09ALL: Ooooh!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Don't worry. Pick Me Up will be available on YouTube from tomorrow.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18You'll also be able to purchase DVDs at Letherbridge Uni's student art exhibition next term.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Have me arrested if you like. I won't go quietly.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Nothing like the fuel of publicity to ignite an artist's career!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30STUDENTS LAUGH
0:25:35 > 0:25:41What are we going to do about this disaster of a pantomime?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44It's too late to do anything. Anyway, Heston won't let us.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Heston won't let us? How's he going to stop us?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Come on, our patient is suffering
0:25:48 > 0:25:51from a debilitating case of bad writing. We have to intervene.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Agreed. But what do you propose doing about it?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02We can't pull out. It's for charity.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04That's not what I'm suggesting.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Between us, we can come up with something better.- Al, it's tomorrow!
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Hands up who thinks that that script is a horrorfest of cliched dullness.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18So, are we going to sleepwalk onstage and regurgitate that nonsense
0:26:18 > 0:26:21or are we going to do something about it while we still can?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- I'm with Al.- OK, OK, I'm in!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Aye.
0:26:26 > 0:26:32Heston, I'm sure it'll all be all right on the night.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Of course, if they learn their lines and stick to the script.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36It'll be wonderful.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I've always wondered how large-breasted women manage yoga.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51When did you get so old?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I dunno. Maybe when I realised I'm pushing 50?!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Dr Carter, I'm ever so worried,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- my head and my donkey hurt? - Your donkey?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Oh, you're right! I mean, my ass!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Get off me! You're not allowed to touch me! You pervert!
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd