0:00:29 > 0:00:33- And the time is? - Ugh! Heston!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35It's still not four o'clock yet.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Ohh! That was the last chuffin' red candle!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43You really ought to try breathing, Heston.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45- SHE INHALES - And out...
0:00:45 > 0:00:49No cast and crew assembled? Call time sixteen hundred hours.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- ..and in. - Anyone seen Barry?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Don't tell me Biglow's trying to muscle in on this?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I'll have to use the white ones now.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Look in the car park and run through the foyer.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Gather them up, Mandy, gather them up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I'm sorting candles!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'll go.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'Hello, this is Phil Abbott. I'm sorry I can't take your call,
0:01:09 > 0:01:10'but please leave a message after the tone.'
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Em, hi, it's me - again!
0:01:15 > 0:01:20My phone's been playing up so I haven't got any messages.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Rubbish or what? Sorry about that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27Em, I was thinking we could go for a drink tonight,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29or there's a panto on.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Cinderella. It'll probably be really lame, but it could be a laugh.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36If it's rubbish, we just bin it off at the interval.
0:01:36 > 0:01:42So, what'd you think? Er, well, hopefully I'll see you later!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54'You're through to Maggie's voice mail, leave a message.'
0:01:54 > 0:02:00Maggie! Change of plan. Could you meet me at Lee's Bar?
0:02:00 > 0:02:025-ish? See you there.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Ah, Biglow! I trust you have the...
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Yes, I've got it, Captain.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I'll just help her in whilst endeavouring not to
0:02:12 > 0:02:16jeopardise her starry-eyed relationship with the glorious Ashley,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18then I'll give it to you.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Can't you just...? - Not without dropping her, no.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21HE SIGHS
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I was only flagging Ashley up because I always think things are
0:02:26 > 0:02:31better "out there", you know? Relationship-wise.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Ow! Ow! Slow down, slow down.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Cards on the table. What I mean is...
0:02:38 > 0:02:43You've got a boyfriend. I get it. I'm not thick.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Even if I did find you physically attractive...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50..in your uniform and everything.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Even if I did, I'd never play fast
0:02:52 > 0:02:54and loose, cos people could get hurt.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56How are you going to get about on stage when you couldn't
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- even manage the pedestrian crossing? - I could never two-time.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Did I ask you to? I never asked you to.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I didn't hear me ask you out.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- It's so great that Joe's coming. - Yeah.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12You don't think seeing his dad in a dress is going to
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- give him issues, do you? - It never bothered me!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- He's looking for trap doors. - I am!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- He's very excited. - I am!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Take a pill then, because
0:03:20 > 0:03:23the last thing I need is a giant toddler causing me more problems.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Barry, my main man. - LUVVY VOICE:- Welcome to the theatre.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Are you staying for the show? - Working.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You all right if I leave you to it then?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Barry's been my crutch. - LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Heston Carter's Historically Accurate Pantomime,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38starring Valerie and her obliging crutch.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You being Buttons?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Buttons with bells on.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47In the Midlands it's a role often played by the actor Paul Henry.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Huh?- Benny off Crossroads.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55- You remember Benny off Crossroads? - Similar build to you. Bit backward.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- LAUGHING:- Oh, Barry! You are awful!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01What are you doing here, Biglow?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05If she needed help walking here, she'll need strapping up.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Break a leg. Not you, Valerie.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12If it's best strapped, strap it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13My bra's biting.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Has Barry gone? - That way.- Barry?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Barry! All checked? Nurse Reid's OK'd it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Coming to see the show? - I'm up for an extra shift.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- ZARA:- Shut up, sit down and keep still.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35She'd blow the glitter off anybody's Christmas.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Good man.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41There's a pair of slippers in the dressing room.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Slowly, Valerie.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Right now I am channelling my inner Marlon Brando.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48They'll fit you.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Cinderella is kitten heels, not slippers.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Despite Cinderella's agony.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Like Marlon, I'm going to utilise the Stanislavski System.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Who's Marlon?- Brando.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Seriously? There's more to him than butter?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Do you know, he stayed in bed for a month before playing a paraplegic?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Oh, I would love to stay in bed for a month.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Christian Bale lost over 60lbs to play
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Trevor Reznik in The Machinist.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Over 60lbs.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23SHE GROANS No, look, we're going to need another Cinders!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25No! I can do it.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- These are prescription only. - Max her up.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Will these get me through?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32They're pretty hefty. Just one every four hours.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Is there any cola?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- ZARA GROANS - Thanks.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Right - Haskey's custard.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44There's custard? That's not in the script.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Why am I so hungry? Ooh, these pills...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I won't suffer any side effects?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Not if you only take one.- Oh! Aww...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Hiya!- Hello, aww.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Is this really where you want to be?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- I like it. - It's full of slimy sales reps.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And women who look like they either get free school dinners
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- or meals on wheels. - Shut up!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21What have you got on your feet?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Don't you just love 'em? I got them off the Rag Market.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I'll go to the bar then. I'd hate for you to fall over.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Vodka lemonade?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Karen! I said, vodka lemonade?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Who are you looking for? - Nobody. Make it a double.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Hey-hey!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43You know, I've always wondered how large-breasted women manage yoga.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- LAUGHING:- Why am I not surprised?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Now's your chance to find out. Do a handstand.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- Go on.- You dare me? - I double dare you!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Limbering up, Daniel?- Yes, method, Heston - I BELIEVE in my breasts.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Nobody's indispensable. I am perfectly happy to don a frock.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08We were just saying, weren't we, chaps? About tonight.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09We were. It's going to be stupendous.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Danny La Rue, eat your heart out.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14As long as you've learnt your lines, ladies.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Mandy! Mandy! Man-deeeeee!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Right, that is it. We are doing this.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23The script changes? We're going to do it?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Apparently there's an old theatrical saying that, eh,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29pompous gits need their egos pricked.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Well, I'll drink to that. Christmas tipple, ladies?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- BOTH: Ahh.- Hello. Dingedy-dongedy.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42So, have you thought about Christmas?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Uh, don't start going on about him! - I'm not.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48But you need to think about where you're spending Christmas,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- don't you?- He creeps me out.- Don't be horrible, Karen, he's lovely.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Tell you what though - Phil, phwoar! Talk about a hornball.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Karen! - What? It's Christmas!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I'm out with my mate, having a couple, seeing if Phil turns up...
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Hmm, that's why we're here?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10But it's a great place. Come on, I'll get 'em in.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Have a voddie?- SING SONG VOICE: - And a packet of nu-u-uts!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14In case you haven't noticed I've lost
0:08:14 > 0:08:16two-and-a-half stone in the past year!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Are you trying to be funny?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22How can I have noticed you getting thin
0:08:22 > 0:08:25if I can't remember you getting fat?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Well, anyway - I have.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- I'm running my own Slimming Nation classes too.- So?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34My favourite visual aid is two posters.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36One's a glass of gin and tonic and the other's
0:08:36 > 0:08:41a glass with a fresh Belgian chocolate eclair stuffed in it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- So?!- Same amount of calories.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Cobblers! Know what? I fancy a gin.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Gin's dead trendy now, who'd have thought that?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52SHE LAUGHS
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Where's Buttons? - Uh, popped out to get something.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00- Hardup?- Gents.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01- Daisy?- Ladies.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- What?- It's the petticoats.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Cinders? - SINGING: Here!
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- What did you give her?- Only what I take for severe headaches.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- It's getting rammed out there, guys. We'll be standing at the back.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18We've almost sold out of programmes and we're making tonnes
0:09:18 > 0:09:19on Coke and Maltesers.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Aw, Chris, can you get me a bag? I've not had a thing since breakfast.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I'll try, Mand, but it's pretty busy.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Listen, everyone, break a leg - apart from you, Valerie.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Mandy, this is no time for snacks. Double check the audio, find Al
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and make sure Jimmi isn't playing with his bosoms.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And what are you going to do, Heston?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Work on my audience address.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"Paltry turnout in the provinces"? I knew I could draw them in.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Yay! GIRLS:- Yay!
0:09:49 > 0:09:55YAY! Ooh, I nearly choked!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Do you know them?- Who? Those girls? They're a right laugh.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Girls? Mutton dressed as lamb.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Why, cos they're not dressed like librarians?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05They're just here to have a good time!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I told you I didn't want a heavy night.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Let's go and have a balti, it'll be nice to catch up
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and it won't be busy up Ladypool Road yet.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16That's cos it's not even half-past six!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Yeah, and that lot are pertootered already.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I thought you were supposed to be slimming?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- I can have plain boiled rice. - I'm not hungry!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Well, I'll run you home afterwards.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31What happened to you, Maggie? When did you get so so old?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I dunno, maybe when I realised I'm pushing 50?!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- I'm stopping here. - Don't be daft.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- I'm not being. - How'll you get home?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I don't care! But when I do, I'll have a low-cal, low-fat,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45no-fun ready meal for one, OK?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Come on, Karen, let's go and have a...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Mate, parched! - Please yourself!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Break a leg. - Check the finale CD.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05AUDIENCE CHEER
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Ladies and gentleman. Inspired by...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- What are you doing? - Nothing.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Good nothing or bad nothing?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Merry Christmas nothing. - What's that?!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Comedy moustache.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- And that? - Humorous monocle.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Thought I'd jazz things up a bit. - Does Heston know? Shh.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24A traditional British pantomime...
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Oi, that's Al's special Christmas toddy. Should you?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Definitely not.
0:11:33 > 0:11:39But this Yuletide we say - away with tragic endings!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Away with mad kings.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Away...- Howay, man!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- HE YAWNS - What are you doing?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Dr Carter, I'm ever so worried.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- My head and my donkey hurt. - Your donkey?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Oh, you're right, I mean my ass!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I went into the foyer earlier to buy myself a programme,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and a dog had done its nasty business
0:12:03 > 0:12:05right in the middle of the floor.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I trod in it, slipped all the way across the lino
0:12:07 > 0:12:10and nearly knocked myself out on the kiosk.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And this gentleman. Yes, you sir!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17He walked in and did exactly the same thing.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I stood him up, dusted him off, pointed at the poo-poo
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and said, "I just did that."
0:12:22 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:25On with the show!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Stand by for act one. Good luck, everybody.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And...cue Fairy Godmother.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46Thus, the years ticked by, the chateau fell into disrepair,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50for the family fortunes were mainly in property,
0:12:50 > 0:12:51and as none were bankers,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- the recession took its toll. - Hang on a minute...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yeah, he had a ghost writer for this bit.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01And what little was left was squandered on botox and fillers!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh! What was that?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08It's Yule toddy.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13..through her own hard work and talent,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15her dreams of happiness would come true.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Ohh! Curiously nutty thump.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28Oooh! Bless! Look, kiddies,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31my Fairy Godmother's wearing
0:13:31 > 0:13:35an African wedding dress...for no particular reason.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Here, Cinderella. Let us see...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Aren't you just darling!?!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:47..how many of your hopes and dreams will come true.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Right, let's smash this up.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Cinderella! Your X-rays are back and the doctor says you limp
0:13:55 > 0:13:59because your left tibia and fibula are radically arched.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Fairy Godmother, what would you do if you had that diagnosis?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Well...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08..I suppose I would limp too.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- That's not in the script. - The Fairy Godmother's brilliant.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oh, Buttons!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17How am I going to get all this housework done?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Cinders, I'm here to help you. - Where's my Fairy Godmother gone?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Good girl, stay on script.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I know - I could whistle.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- And then all my forest friends will come and help us.- Whistle? What?!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33OK - A) You're Cinderella, not Snow White,
0:14:33 > 0:14:34and B) This ain't no cartoon.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Are they insane? - I'm going to try.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40SHE WHISTLES
0:14:40 > 0:14:41- APPLAUSE - See? You can't whistle.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Noooooo!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46SHE CACKLES
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Oi, that's mine.- Oh, what's the matter with you?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53It's Christmas. It was only the last inch.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Probably half spit anyway.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00GLASS CLINKS AND SHE LAUGHS
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Me-e-e-erry Christmas!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Would you like some sugar in your tea, Miss Buttercup?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- No thank you, I'm looking after
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- my figure for the ball.- Scottish! - I'll have a pie instead.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I'm afraid we're all out of pies.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Who ate all the pies?! - Yes, who ate all the pies?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Not a word!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Oh, sister, I'm so looking forward to the ball.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30My dress is going to be pret-a-porter.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Isn't that a sandwich?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Well, mine is going to be Giorgio Armani.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36George of ASDA!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Sister, you can wear what you like,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40everyone's going to be looking at me.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43How? Are you supplying them all with step ladders?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45HE LAUGHS THEATRICALLY
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Only for the wee squirts. I've ordered one specially for you.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- How rude! - No, you're rude!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- No, you're rude! - No, you're rude!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- But you're very rude! - You're very rude!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- LAUGHTER - Idiot.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Would anyone like one of my Chelsea buns?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09Oh, those pills should be on the National Health.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- They are. - MUMBLING:- Will you keep still?
0:16:11 > 0:16:17Aw, you're lovely, you'd do anything for anybody.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Well, I am the stage manager.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22No, not you, I meant Zara.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Zara has allowed me to blossom.
0:16:25 > 0:16:32I'm feeling... Yes, I'm going to say it - I'm a little bit in love
0:16:32 > 0:16:34with you, my prince.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- Mandy! - And this is going to be better than
0:16:38 > 0:16:40when Anna kissed Beth Jordache on Brookside.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Ladies, ladies, enough of the fighting, now have one of my buns.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's hard to be merry with only a wee cherry.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Why don't we all have a bit of the plum duff?- Say that again, sister!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Let's not worry about the plum duff. I found the pies!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Pies? What pies?!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I don't think Heston wants the pies.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- It was a joke.- You wouldn't know
0:17:06 > 0:17:08a joke if it hit you in the face, you pillock!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15No, please... It's bloody Tiswas.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:33ALL: Three, two, one - shot it!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Scuse me, madam, can I have a quick little word, please?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Up the Baggies!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Stick her in the back, come on. - Get off me!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- It's going well, isn't it?- I've had more fun pulling teeth.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Can you not pick that pie up?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'll get a mop.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Where are my Uglies? - How should I know?!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58They're ruining everything. And where did the pies come from?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I thought that was one of your tweaks?
0:18:00 > 0:18:01There are no tweaks!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06# Some day we'll meet again
0:18:06 > 0:18:10# And away to his castle we'll go
0:18:10 > 0:18:14# We'll be happy for ever, I know. #
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You can't sing that, Valerie, we'll be sued.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Ah, leave her alone. - I think I need a lie down.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Oh, I'll do the scene change on my own, shall I?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- Daniel shouldn't have said that.- Mm.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41He got overexcited.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Self indulgent again.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Self-control can be overrated.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01You know, if there is anything I could do...
0:19:01 > 0:19:02you only have to ask.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08You know that, right? Jimmi...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We've been told to "empathise".
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Got to be "understanding". The Sarge's wife has "got issues".
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- I didn't mean it. - Yes, you did.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Did not!- You are a gobby trollop covered in puke who thinks
0:19:41 > 0:19:44they can get away with kicking an officer up the jacksie!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50You're not so mad you've forgotten who your other half is. Empathise?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52If it was up to me, you'd be in with that lot - where you belong.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I said I was sorry.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03He is a good man. You are a disgrace.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Porn star shoes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You want to get yourself together - pronto.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11What a slapper.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19With networking now and a prince to be won,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22my work as a good father will surely be done.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24But, Father dear, look at my sister.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Her face says Cupid's arrows missed her.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:35"There is no arrows in his quiver..." Jimmi!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Jimmi, Jimmi, there's no arrows...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Dandini, my friend.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I can but ponder, who is this beautiful creature yonder?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47This can't get any worse.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Dandini?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Well, then, girls, enough talk of arrows.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Here comes the Prince, a little bit early.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Ooh, look, sister, it's the Prince.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Come on, sister, let's not fight,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- this should be a special night. - Get off me.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Come on.- Get off me. I'm not your mate.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16They're fighting! They're fighting!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Oh! Oh! They're having a proper fight!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Stop it, stop it!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Daniel!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31They were like this as girls!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- MRS TEMBE:- Stop it! Both of you!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40You are each as bad as the other. Bad girls! Bad girls!
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Away with you! A-way - go!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Now where were we? - I know! I know!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56My prince! My prince!
0:21:56 > 0:22:01My, oh, my, it's not alarming to fall in love
0:22:01 > 0:22:02with a real Prince Charming.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Oh, what the hell.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10AUDIENCE GROAN
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I'll kill them, I'll kill them all!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15WHOOPING AND WOLF WHISTLES
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- MRS TEMBE:- Do not panic! Do not panic!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Mandy!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Where's the pies? I've got the pies! - What are you doing?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Which ones are the lights?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31AUDIENCE: Wahey!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- Stupid girl!- Careful.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- It's too late for careful. - Are you drunk?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I might...might be little bit tipsy.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48But tomorrow, Dr Carter, I will not be tipsy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53You will still be a bullying, ungrateful,
0:22:53 > 0:22:58puffed up, rubbish-at-writing-pantos,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01cocky old snot.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You want to get off the fence, Mand. Say what you really think.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08- How dare...- No, no, no. Don't you dare. This...was supposed to be fun.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- You turned it into a nightmare. - Oh, no, I didn't!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Oh, yes, you did!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Suck it up, Lloyd-Webber. Cos I am outta here.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21You had that coming, mate.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26We've had a right game with her.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Sorry. - What are you sorry for?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31It's not your fault your wife can't control herself.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Sorry.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Just so we're clear though...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yeah, You're doing me a favour. I know. And I do appreciate it.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- In the spirit of the season. Ho, ho, ho.- Thank you.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42- Sarge...- (Yeah?)
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You need to stop saying sorry.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Disaster, utter disaster!
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Mate, the kids are loving it. Look, custard pies - brilliant.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Fighting Uglies - brilliant. And Valerie - what's she on?!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Are you going to be mean to me?
0:24:11 > 0:24:12- Never.- Good.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18It was the big gins. I'd have been all right without the big gins.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24You never could handle your gin. Mother's ruin.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Get off me!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35You're not allowed to touch me, you pervert!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36SHE SOBS
0:24:41 > 0:24:43AUDIENCE: Wahey!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Right, we're going back on book
0:24:49 > 0:24:51and I will lead the final song, cue it up, please.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55The Dicky Bird and the Owl. Perfect. Appropriate and perfect.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56At least one thing will be.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Let's all dance. Let's get started.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Better had - cos Cinders farted!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Where's Jimmi?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21CHEERING
0:25:28 > 0:25:30(Where's the Dicky Bird and The Owl?)
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- UNDER HER BREATH:- Shot - I hope.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33(Chris, music!)
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Are we all ready for a real Wizzard?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39All right, Letherbridge!
0:25:43 > 0:25:48# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play
0:25:56 > 0:26:01# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day
0:26:03 > 0:26:10# And let the bells ring out for Christmas. #
0:26:10 > 0:26:13ALL: Happy Christmas!
0:26:21 > 0:26:22I don't think I can do this any more.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You don't have to.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Don't I?- No, not now I've found someone else.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Yes, I've met someone. His name is Phil,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35and we're having a full relationship.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Not that it's any of your business. - What do you mean?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Full, we're together, me and Phil. We've done it and everything.
0:26:41 > 0:26:48# Why don't you give your love for Christmas? #
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Freedom.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01This year, I'm going to go that extra mile.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Is that why you brought your bike inside?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07You wouldn't have even had a production if it wasn't for me!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- I hardly think... - Heston, you were a nightmare!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Stole another bike?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Sorry about that. Won't happen again.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd