0:00:28 > 0:00:31CLOCK TICKS
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# Another no... #
0:00:45 > 0:00:51So, here, now, how do you feel about your relationship?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54SHE SIGHS
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# Another ruined heart
0:00:57 > 0:01:01# Jumps in without... #
0:01:01 > 0:01:08Tell me, today, how do you feel and you and Zara?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Um...
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- You could have left some...- What?!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16(Nothing.)
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I have a feeling that ship has sailed.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Um...
0:01:28 > 0:01:34I think I can get them back. I have to get them back.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Many of your problems as a couple seem to have spiralled
0:01:38 > 0:01:40out of the birth.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44A new baby can be a neutron bomb in the life of a young couple.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Young? Why, thank you.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53Please, engage. And I don't mean look for the next wisecrack.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58# Is it love?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I am not going to lose you.
0:02:01 > 0:02:07# Is it love?
0:02:07 > 0:02:12# And do I need it? #
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Zara. This is your life.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20# Should I blame you? #
0:02:20 > 0:02:25The birth, that's the thing about being a doctor.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28You know all the things that can go wrong
0:02:28 > 0:02:34and, sometimes, how helpless we are.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I think a part of it, a big part of it was when they told us
0:02:42 > 0:02:45that he could die.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Daniel wasn't high on my list of priori...
0:02:51 > 0:02:55There was a bit of me saying, "We've got to look after ourselves".
0:02:55 > 0:02:59But I can't help thinking...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04..it was her love that kept him alive.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It sounds like you admire her.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09# Is it love? #
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Have you told her this?- No.
0:03:12 > 0:03:19# Is it love?
0:03:19 > 0:03:24# And do I need it? #
0:03:28 > 0:03:36I wasn't ready for the pain and Zara sensed that and cut me off.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Maybe I did shut him out and maybe I did make him
0:03:46 > 0:03:49feel like he could do nothing right.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53# And do I need it? #
0:03:57 > 0:03:59If Joe is unhappy, he cries.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Daniel is unhappy, and he goes and screws his midwife!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Who also, coincidentally, happens to be his best friend's wife.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09That's Daniel's shot at dad of the year.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16# Please, just tell me
0:04:19 > 0:04:24# Is it love?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27# And how do you feel it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30# Love... #
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Why would you jeopardise everything?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36It's classic self-destructive behaviour.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39If you two were to resolve your differences,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- what would you want of him? - I'd want him to be perfect.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I was only trying to get him to stop crying.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I'd like to hear more about your mother and father.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- She died young, didn't she? - Don't insult me by trying to turn this round to me!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I'm trying to understand the situation from your point of view.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I don't have daddy issues. And you are not going to psychoanalyse me.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- I'm not qualified to. - Tell me something I don't know!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Our family backgrounds impact the way we interact
0:05:07 > 0:05:09when we have children.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14This experience shaped the family that you're trying to create.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22You were losing control of your life. You were emotionally drained.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Cut out of the family group, in your own home.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30The notes from the first sessions, Dr Clarke thought you
0:05:30 > 0:05:33were suffering from some sort of post-natal depression.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38I was angry. She didn't trust me with my own son.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Why?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I don't know.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48The cherry thing, maybe shaking him. She completely overreacted.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50So, you weren't in complete control.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Why are you asking this?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Because you need to see things from her point of view.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Do children need a perfect family?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Or do they need their family to be perfect enough?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10It seems to me that sometimes children who've lost a parent
0:06:10 > 0:06:13sometimes have an idealised vision of a family.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18I'm a doctor, I don't have any illusions about perfect families.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And I can tell you that children, vulnerable as they are,
0:06:22 > 0:06:23are tough little blighters.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You know you wouldn't harm Joe.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32But throw in anger, the way you were then,
0:06:32 > 0:06:37post-natal depression, that's what happens in many child deaths.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39A momentary loss of control and...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Maybe she saw that in herself.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Professionally, you must have seen stressed parents,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50scared of their weakest moments.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Good people, in moments of weakness, sometimes do bad things.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11You lost your mother.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- When I was 14. - Still a traumatic loss.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16OK, listen to me. Tell me something.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Did Daniel get asked about his family in these sessions?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Show and tell. HE SIGHS
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Goodbye.- Zara?!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I will not have my family made into the problem here!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Hey, hey, hey.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Go away.- What happened?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Yes, I need a cab. All right, I'll hold.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Zara?- These sessions are not for me.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Please.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Zara, please, this is our life. One day. That was the deal!
0:07:51 > 0:07:56Look, you see this through today and I'll do anything you want.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00No complaints, no nothing. I'll even move out the house tonight.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03You and Joe can have it for as long as you want.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Anything I want?- Yes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08These sessions are not going to be about blaming me.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10All right.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17All right.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27# Please just tell me. #
0:08:27 > 0:08:29WATCH TICKS
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Well, I thought we made great progress this morning.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I've got an exercise for you both.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I'd like you, Daniel-the-doctor, to imagine you're
0:08:46 > 0:08:50sitting in your consulting room, in walks Daniel-the-man
0:08:50 > 0:08:54and tells you all about what he's been through.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What would your professional advice be to him?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01- I'd tell me...- Him.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I'd tell him...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I wouldn't want to get involved, for one thing.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17But if he was sitting in front of me, he has to take
0:09:17 > 0:09:19responsibility for his actions.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It's probably the sensible, professional advice, but...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28..he brought it on himself.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32And I'd say he has to...
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Keep going.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'd say he has to prepare for a life, a future without his family.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Actions have consequences. Right?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He has to look after himself now.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I mean, he has to, of course, make sure that
0:09:55 > 0:09:57everything is taken care of but...
0:10:00 > 0:10:04He needs to focus on new possibilities and his freedom again.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06ZARA SIGHS
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm not saying...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I'm just trying to get him to focus on the positives.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oh, so there are positives?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Not really. But if doesn't focus on something, all he's got is despair.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24What does Daniel-the-man think of Daniel-the-doctor's advice?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I'd say he's a quack.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34I'd say he doesn't understand my situation,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36that I have to fight for my family.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43I'd say he's never been faced with losing his family or his woman,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46even if she does drive him round the twist half the time.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53It's probably the safe, professional advice but,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57if he thinks it's possible, he's never had his heart broken.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02So, I wouldn't be able to do what he's telling me.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I would tell her, "Nice shoes, Zara!"
0:11:17 > 0:11:21"Thank you, Zara, I love your shoes too."
0:11:24 > 0:11:27All right, all right.
0:11:27 > 0:11:34I would tell her to put herself and her child first.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39He doesn't deserve you, so stick to your guns, girlfriend.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Go, Zara! Go, Zara!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43You're not taking this entirely seriously.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46This is a stupid exercise. If I, she...
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Look, I am her doctor, not her girlfriend.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53If it was something medical I could help her. Otherwise...
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Rubbish.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Otherwise I'd be thinking what clothes am I going to wear tomorrow.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Absolute rubbish, your wardrobe's planned and hung a week in advance.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Daniel, I don't think this is helping.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05She would be thinking, "Get a grip and sort it out."
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Yes, he got caught putting it where he shouldn't,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10but does he deserve to lose everything?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And you know he would never harm the baby!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17So don't get precious with me! You love the bones of him
0:12:17 > 0:12:19because of the strife, not despite it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22She'd also be thinking, let him suffer a bit first, he deserves it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Do be quiet, Daniel. - I know how you think.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32I am so, so sorry I cheated on you, but it was never about her.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34At the time, I just wanted to lash out, let's face it,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38there's nobody else I could have slept with who would have hurt you more.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Why would you want to hurt me?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Because I was ill. And you were destroying me.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I was a mess! OK?
0:12:48 > 0:12:53All that aside for now, the point is, Daniel knows you,
0:12:53 > 0:12:58he gets you better than anyone else. Is that fair to say?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And what he said,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05an accurate account of what you would really be thinking?
0:13:08 > 0:13:14He knows me better than anyone else does.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I will give him that.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29If Zara was my patient...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34What you say here doesn't get thrown back at you outside.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35That's the deal.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Yes.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44If Zara came to me genuinely fearing for the safety of her child.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Forget all the stuff about her bloke cheating on her,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50that's their business, nothing to do with me,
0:13:50 > 0:13:55but if she felt she couldn't trust her child to his father...
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I'd say she was right to get out of the relationship.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I'd be on the phone to Social Services on her behalf.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11That's something that's changed in me.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17I can't blame you for being angry about me shaking Joe.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Wouldn't the child's future be better with its mother
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and father, if they can resolve their issues?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Yes, if there's trust.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34But sometimes, with all the love and the best will in the world,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37people still lose control.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40They still...snap!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43What is this, some kind of reverse psychology?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I think we could do with a breather.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54SHE SIGHS
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Water?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07My turn?
0:15:14 > 0:15:20I honestly think he was having a midlife crisis.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24If he asked for help in understanding why he did this?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- How on Earth am I supposed to know? - Please, try.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31SHE SIGHS
0:15:33 > 0:15:39Well, this woman, this princess bubblegum.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41It's clearly nothing to do with her.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45That wouldn't be a midlife crisis, that would be a midlife meltdown.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48She's an irrelevance.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50This was about lashing out
0:15:50 > 0:15:58at some kind of perceived grievance against him from his better half.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Trying to hurt her. So far, so Daniel.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03But has he?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04What do you mean?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09Is it possible that Daniel's behaviour wasn't about hurting you?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Or Joe. Least of all Joe?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Then who would it be about?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Let me be Daniel.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I betray my partner and my best friend,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23is that about them or about me?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26About you. I suppose.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Why would I do that?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Please, Doctor, I need your help.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Because you don't like your life?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39But I have a great life.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42A beautiful partner, a beautiful child, a good job.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45So that's not everything you wanted?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47It can't have been.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Well, I'm not a therapist or a psychiatrist, or whatever,
0:16:53 > 0:16:54but it seems to me that...
0:16:57 > 0:17:04It seems to me that maybe you feel you don't deserve happiness
0:17:04 > 0:17:10or maybe you feel like your freedom has been taken away.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I think I've been depressed.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Post-natal depression for men? An old husband's tale.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, let's just call it depression.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- It can happen to anyone at any time. Right?- Yes.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Does that make me a bad person? - No, of course not.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30I love my son. But sometimes things seem so dark.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I pick him up to get him to stop crying.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I feel as if I'm losing control.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43I'd never hurt him but...I'm scared. Do I deserve punishment?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Of course not.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I feel like I'm in a cycle, depression, self-destruction,
0:17:52 > 0:17:57which makes me more depressed, can this cycle be broken?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Please, Doctor? Help me?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Yes, I can help you. You're not alone.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- We can help you.- What help? How?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15We can prescribe medication.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Or we can suggest you take a course of...therapy.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Which can often prove very effective.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You acknowledge that, professionally,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41sometimes you see new fathers who are depressed.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Forget about the label, "post-natal".
0:18:43 > 0:18:45We all get hung up on labels.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50As a doctor, did you see depression in Daniel.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59And do you see that Daniel was ill?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Zara doesn't do half measures. She needs things to be perfect
0:19:20 > 0:19:23because this is her one shot at being a mother.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I thought you weren't going to psychoanalyse me.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I'm not claiming that's insightful analysis. It just seems obvious.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Am I wrong?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It would go a long way if you acknowledge that.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41One thing we can work on
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- is helping you to see that not being perfect is OK.- I know that.
0:19:48 > 0:19:55Now, your relationship. Do you know about fly-by-wire avionics?
0:19:55 > 0:20:00When a plane is stable, getting it to change direction requires effort.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03So, the computer keeps the plane permanently not quite stable.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10So it's much more responsive. Great for fighter planes, aerobatics.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Some relationships are fly-by-wire. Controlled instability.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Some people love that, some people can't take the instability.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So tell us, which are we?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That's what I'd like to explore in the weeks ahead.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- If the will is there to do it. Daniel?- Yes. Definitely.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Zara?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35OK.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Good. Zara, you're mad at Daniel.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Yes.- Daniel, you're mad at Zara.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Sometimes.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46That's passion. You're mad because you care.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Agreed?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54We have something to build on. You stopped communicating.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Daniel, I want you tell Zara what you told me earlier.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Not now, later on.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03It doesn't mean that you have to communicate relentlessly,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07you just need to re-find that equilibrium where you
0:21:07 > 0:21:09communicate enough.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14We need to go back to basics. I want you to try something.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Another exercise?
0:21:16 > 0:21:22Yes. I want you to date for three weeks.
0:21:22 > 0:21:28No touching, no physical contact whatsoever. Can you do that?
0:21:31 > 0:21:36# Just trying to read you
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# Trying to get between the lines... #
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- Say something.- I'm sick of talking.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57You know that thing I was supposed to tell you later?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I told David how much I admire you.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# Is it love? #
0:22:04 > 0:22:09When Joe was ill, I was so weak.
0:22:09 > 0:22:16He needed us and you delivered.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I didn't.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20# And do I need it? #
0:22:22 > 0:22:29I want to thank you for that, and whatever happens,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I'll always admire you for it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43# It's the way you turn the words around
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# You're just like him
0:22:46 > 0:22:50# A game of lost and found
0:22:53 > 0:22:57# So, please just hold me
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# Hold me tight
0:23:00 > 0:23:05# So, please just tell me
0:23:08 > 0:23:13# Is it love?
0:23:15 > 0:23:21# Is it love?
0:23:22 > 0:23:29# Is it love?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33# And do I need it?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41# Is it love?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44# And how do you know it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48# Love... #
0:23:49 > 0:23:55We shouldn't sleep in the same bed. Not while we're dating.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Agreed?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:10So...first date. Tuesday.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Lunch.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16# And do I mean it?
0:24:20 > 0:24:26# Please just tell me
0:24:28 > 0:24:32# Is it love?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35# And how do you feel it? #
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Good night.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42No touching. Them's the rules.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48# Love
0:24:48 > 0:24:53# And do I need it?
0:24:57 > 0:25:02# Please just tell me. #
0:25:08 > 0:25:12The theme of today's show is - Ten Things I Hate About You.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- I can't go through with it. - Course you can.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19'You're playing crap music and giving dodgy advice.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22'I'd stick with giving injections and wiping up sick.'
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Switch that off. He's done enough damage for one day.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Come on, have a cuppa.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Go on then.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd