0:00:39 > 0:00:42# I would dig a thousand holes
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# To lay next to you
0:00:47 > 0:00:53# I would dig a thousand more If I needed to
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# I look around the grave
0:01:00 > 0:01:05# For an escape route of old routines
0:01:05 > 0:01:11# There doesn't seem to be Any other way
0:01:14 > 0:01:17# Cos I've started falling apart
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# I'm not savouring life
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# I've forgotten how good it could it be
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# To feel alive... #
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- What's that? - Oh, it's nothing. Just a gas bill.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I'll sort it out later.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Coffee's ready, come on.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51MUSIC: "5 Minutes" by Tinie Tempah
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- What?- You look beautiful today.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Papering over the cracks. Amazing what expensive make-up can do.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Shall I drop you at the shop?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Thought you were trying for a full week?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Oh, the girls are stock-taking, I'm not needed till one.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25A lift to the Campus would be great, though, if you're going that way?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Ivan?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28The Campus surgery?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- I'm going to see Mandy.- Why?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33You know why!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Ruby. It's too soon!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37It's time.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44IVAN SIGHS
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely person.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And so patient, you know.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Some weeks...
0:03:00 > 0:03:06..I just sit and cry, can't even get a word out of her.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11Nothing. Nothing makes the least bit of difference.
0:03:11 > 0:03:17We did talk about how counselling... it's not a quick fix.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Maybe I'm just expecting too much. Sorry.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22No, don't you apologise.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29To think, I used to...
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I used to moan about never having a spare minute.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I hate myself for that now!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Ruby, you were a busy working mum.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Always rushing around, harassed.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Running the shop.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50Late to the school gate, phone going 24/7.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52What was it all for?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Hey! Your Lucas, he was...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58he was a proper live wire!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00The Mill and Campus were always on Code Red
0:04:00 > 0:04:03whenever he came in for his checks!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07We all adored him. He brightened up ANY day!
0:04:09 > 0:04:13No-one can really understand what you're going through.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It's got to get easier, hasn't it?
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I know this is a cliche, but time is a great healer.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26For now, stick with the bereavement counselling.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30You might not even realise something has helped until ages after.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34And it's a special space, just for you and for Ivan.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38How's he doing?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Time's what I haven't got, actually.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That's why I'm here.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Rubella status, blood pressure, blood sugar, the works.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49That's what I need from you today.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51OK. You know I'm here to help. But...
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I'm going to get pregnant again... as soon as possible.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You're not an easy girl to find, Jade.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Couldn't have looked hard enough. Look at the size of me!
0:05:09 > 0:05:10So, what's up, Doc?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And, before you start, I haven't had a fag since last time I saw you.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Well done, you! That's great.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Yeah, sick! Saved myself four quid already!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I was thinking more of the health benefits for your baby?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23That one again?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Thought we rinsed that one yesterday?- Well, I...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What?!
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Talia says she's seen Nicole Scherzinger wearing them same shoes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35I don't think so.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38No? Probably more like Sharon Osbourne!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Hardly! These are Carlos Carlotta!
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Classic Italian court with a sexy twist.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So, show us your swag, then, Doc. Walk the walk.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You've got to be joking!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You're safe enough here. No kerb crawlers till after dark.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Not bad.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10'Bout time someone showed you lot how it's done.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14These lot reckon clean trainers are proper classy round here.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Well, you know what?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18There are plenty more where these came from.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Louboutin? Manolo Blahnik?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Maybe.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27So, go on, spill.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Spill?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Well, you haven't trotted in here like a tourist
0:06:31 > 0:06:33to bang on about some designer shoes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36How astute you are, Jade.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Go on, then! Hashtag, haven't got all day.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I wanted to talk to you about breastfeeding.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44JADE GASPS
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I am not saying that pregnancy is impossible.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- It's just, given your age... - I know, I know.
0:06:50 > 0:06:5345 is not the ideal time to be starting a family.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57But don't forget. I've got my precious snowbabies, Mandy!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Your what?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Lucas was an IVF baby!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03And we've still got two frozen embryos stored at the clinic!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Ah! And those are your snowbabies?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It's like it's meant to be!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I'm going to eat better, sleep better,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14get myself up to maximum health and then go for it!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Why not?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Ruby, you know the reason you're not sleeping or eating well
0:07:20 > 0:07:23is because you've just lost your son?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Everything is still so raw.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Think I need you to tell me that?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I'm not saying don't do it,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33just don't rush into any big decisions.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Well, it's like you said.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Five months ago, I was a mum.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40A working mum.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I took so much for granted.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47And now... Well...
0:07:47 > 0:07:48I'm nothing.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53What does Ivan think about the snowbabies? Is he in favour?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You'd have to ask him that!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58If you can get a word out of him.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Please, Mandy. I need this.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Look, Jade, hear me out. Think about the health benefits.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11There are over 400 nutrients in breast milk
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- which aren't present in formula.- You sound like my old science teacher.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Drony McDronison.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Don't you want to give your baby the best start in life?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Help protect it from ear infections, chest infections? Constipation?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23This is long.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Obesity. Type two diabetes in later life. Eczema.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Listen here. Getting your fun bags out for a feed
0:08:29 > 0:08:31is something that doesn't happen round here.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33You might as well stick a flashing light on your head saying
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Weirdo! Weirdo! Weirdo!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39If more people did it, then it would become normal.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Come on, Jade, I didn't have you down as a wuss.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I'm not an idiot either.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Like any boy would ever come near me again!
0:08:47 > 0:08:48You don't know that!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It's just not what baps are for, OK?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- But...- But! You need to back off!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Your bates pushing me into it!- OK,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58you're absolutely right. It's about individual choice.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- Told you, didn't I? - It's not about my opinion,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03it's about your body and your baby.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Finally you're talking sense! You off, then?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I am. Hashtag haven't got all day.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Keep up with the non-smoking, I'll see you at the baby clinic.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Might have to check my diary.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Hey, you! Thought you'd gone in to the office?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- George said I could work from home. - What, again?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I brought you some lunch. Didn't know if you'd have time.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30You need to eat. Car's outside. Then I'll drop you at the shop.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I did it! I talked to Mandy about getting pregnant!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34And?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Our precious snowbabies! I don't believe it!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39How could we have abandoned them all these years
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- in that cold and lonely clinic? - Darling, you know why.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I know, I'm leaping ahead here,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48but after the test results come back, it could just take days!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50So, did Mandy actually say it would be OK?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I'll tell you what. Let's ring the clinic right now!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I'm sure I can find the number online.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Hey, hold on, hold on!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59They won't be able to tell you anything on the phone.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01All the paperwork is at home in the file.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03We'll need our reference number and other stuff.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Let's sort it tonight, OK?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10It's going to be all right, Ivan. I know it is.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12We can start again.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Come on, we'd best get going.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25BABY CRIES
0:10:31 > 0:10:34ZARA SIGHS
0:10:39 > 0:10:40KAREN TUTS
0:10:42 > 0:10:44PHONE RINGS
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Hello? Rob?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51What is payment protection anyway?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- She doesn't know what she's saying. - It's very early days, Ivan.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00We're just talking about a few routine tests,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02just to check Ruby is fit and healthy.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Routine to you, maybe! But I saw her face!
0:11:04 > 0:11:09I'm sorry if you're upset. But Ruby just seemed so sure.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11You have to talk to her again. You can stop all this.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I know it might seem impossible right now,
0:11:13 > 0:11:18but sometimes parents find having another baby does help...
0:11:18 > 0:11:19after a bereavement.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23It's not something to be rushed into, I am not saying that,
0:11:23 > 0:11:24if you think it's too soon.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29And it's not a replacement. Nothing could EVER replace Lucas.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But a new baby...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34it can be a healing thing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Maybe, from Ruby's point of view, it's something to look forward to,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40a bit of hope.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44One way of looking at it is that you and Ruby are lucky.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46At least you have your snowbabies.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49You can take as much time as you need.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- Was that Ivan Slade? Is he OK?- No, not really. Not at all, actually.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Am I missing something there, Jimmi?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01What, with Ivan?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Other than him losing his son to meningitis a few months ago?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Now Ruby wants to try for another baby,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10and he is really not taking it well.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Ruby Slade? Pregnant?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Is that a problem?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Ruby developed severe heart problems last time she gave birth.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Didn't you see it in the records?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Mand, Mrs Alderney says her appointment was ten minutes ago!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24PHONE RINGS
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I enjoyed our chat the other day... about Botswana.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37So did I.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You made it sound so great, I looked a few things up.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Geography is one of my things.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It certainly is a most beautiful country.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It's much bigger than I thought.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Botswana is the same size as France,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52but its population is only twice the size of Birmingham!
0:12:52 > 0:12:57But, unlike Birmingham, rain is extremely scarce in Botswana.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01And very precious. In fact, the country's motto is "Pula".
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Pula?- It means rain.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Perhaps we should get ourselves a nice slice of cake?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:46No offence, Doc, but you're starting to get a bit desperate.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yes, I am back, give me five minutes?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52How about five words? My body and my baby.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I wanted to say, I DO see where you're coming from.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Sure you do.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58People around here don't want to breastfeed,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- because boys don't like it.- Finally!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Since when do you let boys decide what you can and can't do?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06As if!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09See what you did there. But I'm on it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12OK, well, you don't like science or statistics
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- And you want to have a choice. - You said it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17But how can you make a choice if you haven't got the information?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21So this is my plan. A one-off event at the community centre.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24The community centre! YOLO!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I don't even know what that means. No lectures, no pressure.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- I promise.- You done?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33No, also there would be freebies!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Freebies?- All you have to do is sit and listen to what I have to say.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39So, do you think you could get your mates to come along?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43All right, well, I suppose there's not much better to do round here.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46So, I'll be in touch?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Not so fast. That's a big ask.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57All right. I'll bring a selection.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Got any Jimmy Choos?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Ivan! Are you all right?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07What are you doing in here?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Come and sit down, love, please. - Why? What's going on?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Please.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20First off, I love you to bits.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I'd never do anything to hurt you, right?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Ivan, you're scaring me! Calling the shop like that!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31I'm sorry.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32KNOCK AT DOOR
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Leave it!
0:15:41 > 0:15:46And the African elephants... Is it true Botswana has the most?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I am afraid, when it comes to counting elephants,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52we have reached the limit of my knowledge.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Oh! Sorry!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I do remember the chickens, though.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Running about the yard.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07When an honoured guest came, I had to catch one
0:16:07 > 0:16:11so that my father could prepare Mofago.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12What's that?
0:16:12 > 0:16:17It's a boiled chicken and chilli dish.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Sounds interesting.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Those chickens run so fast!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26HE CHUCKLES
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Not many chickens where I grew up.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Except with chips!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35And I can't imagine my dad cooking anything.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I did have a pet gerbil once.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It escaped and ended up under the floorboards.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You could hear it scrabbling about, but you couldn't see it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Mrs Tembe?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Why did you do it?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55KNOCK AT DOOR
0:16:55 > 0:16:57All right, all right.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01KNOCK AT DOOR
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Hiya, Ivan.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Sorry, I really need to talk to Ruby, is she in?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Now's not a good time.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It'll take a few minutes. It's important.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Ruby! I should have checked about your heart condition.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Oh! That's OK! - No, I owe you both an apology.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Apology accepted. - Can we have a chat?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yeah. All right.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Ruby!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Ruby?- 'I am writing to inform that the agreed ten year storage limit
0:17:30 > 0:17:32'has now been reached.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35'Unless we hear back immediately with your instructions...'
0:17:35 > 0:17:37They're going to destroy the snowbabies!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I don't believe it!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Doesn't this prove that it's meant to be!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I told you! It's time.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46But we've got to move fast!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Ivan!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Ruby...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I know there's other stuff to sort out.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54But can't we start with the snowbabies?
0:17:54 > 0:17:59I'm going to call the clinic. There must be a telephone number.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Oh!- It's all right. I've got you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I can explain.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Four months ago?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16No, I don't... I can't...
0:18:16 > 0:18:21You seem like such a kind and thoughtful man!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25But how can we be friends if I do not understand the other side of you?
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Rape victims do talk in public about their feelings.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37But we do not hear the perpetrators talk about why they did it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43So, this is your chance to explain.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50It was just after Lucas, the first letter arrived.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Life was...
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Well, it didn't feel real.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Nothing felt real.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Except you, Ruby.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I didn't want you worried. By any decisions.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I wasn't thinking straight. I wanted to protect you.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17That's all I ever wanted.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22So, I just...
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- I just...- I'll tell you what you just did.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31You...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- just did nothing! - No! It wasn't like that!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37You sat back
0:19:37 > 0:19:41and you let them be destroyed!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Our precious snowbabies! - Ruby, please...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Lucas is gone!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50And now I have nothing! How could you?!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Apparently, as well as elephants, Botswana has the largest population
0:19:58 > 0:20:03of meerkats, as well. I love meerkats, don't you?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I cannot understand it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's the way that they stick together. Like a family.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10How can anyone make such a choice?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13They watch for danger and then they warn each other
0:20:13 > 0:20:16when it's approaching.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19HE GASPS
0:20:27 > 0:20:30That's right, stick up for him.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33No, no, I am not defending Ivan.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34But I read your notes in detail,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38which is why I came straight over to see you.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Another pregnancy would be... - It's not impossible!
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Acute aortic dissection is a life or death emergency!
0:20:46 > 0:20:47One minute you were holding Lucas,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49the next, doctors swarming everywhere.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52But that was nine years ago!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54They make new medical advances all the time!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56You know that!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I saw Dr Clay before I came over and he confirmed...
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I don't want to hear this!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04The thought of losing you...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Sometimes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Most of the time.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I feel like I'm lost already.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I'm all alone in this never-ending black tunnel.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21You're not alone!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Having a baby was my only way out!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Ruby...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32even without your heart problems,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36at age 45, the chances of you having an IVF baby
0:21:36 > 0:21:38would be less than 10%.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Same as Lucas, then?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48My own, sweet little miracle.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Don't do this.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52What do you care?!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56At least while the snowbabies were safe, there was a chance!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Now, I have nothing!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I will never forgive you!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Ivan?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Would you please leave?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Don't leave it like this.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Not after everything you two have been through together.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26After what I put her through, you mean. Go on, say it!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- You made a mistake. - Didn't I just?!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32You're a grieving father who was trying to protect someone he loves.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- That's a new one.- What, that grief messes with your mind?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- No, that dads grieve. - Of course they do.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Not on the outside, they don't.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44They stay strong, they cope.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48And the inside?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54What about the inside, Ivan?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You don't want to know.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Try me.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07COUGHING
0:23:09 > 0:23:12TOILET FLUSHES
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Ruby?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Ivan's got something he needs to say to you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32No, I can't.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35She's listening, Ivan.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Go on.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's OK.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I wanted to be strong for you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47You're Lucas' mum, and you were so close.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51The day he died, it was like your light went out.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Just darkness.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I only wanted to make everything OK.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I thought that was my job.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02You can never make everything OK.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Not now!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- Not ever!- I go through the motions.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Go to work.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Read the paper, laugh at people's jokes, watch TV.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Keep breathing. Pretend everything is normal. But I...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You what?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I have darkness, too.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Terrible darkness.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28But you always seem so together?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Some days I have to force myself to leave the house.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I try to fight it, but it's so strong.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35It's like a bad dream.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40A bad dream that starts over every time you wake up.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Only worse.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45If Ivan's made mistakes,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47it's because he's grieving.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I got it all wrong, but it's no excuse,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52not for what I did.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I'm so sorry.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15You are supposed to be my friend.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I don't need another counsellor!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21And I certainly don't need another judge!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24But of course I am your friend!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Then why are you stirring everything up like this?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30What sort of a friend does something like that?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33One who values honesty.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Well, then you be honest with me!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Because you seriously expect me to believe
0:25:38 > 0:25:40that you would ask your friends questions like this?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Well, yes!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Yes, I would.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54# I started falling apart I'm not savouring life
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Take the pieces and build them skywards
0:25:57 > 0:26:02# I've forgotten how good it could be to feel alive
0:26:02 > 0:26:07# Take the pieces and build them skywards
0:26:07 > 0:26:11# Take the pieces and build them skywards
0:26:11 > 0:26:15# And take the pieces and build them skywards
0:26:15 > 0:26:22# And take the pieces and build them up to the sky... #
0:26:22 > 0:26:26You should be ashamed of yourself.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Let's call it what it is.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's an emotional mugging!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I really do not know what you mean.
0:26:33 > 0:26:39Attacking me like that, here, with God looking straight at me!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I really did not intend to attack you.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45If this is the way you treat your friends,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I'm surprised you have any left!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50In fact, let's forget the whole thing.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53The last thing I want to be is your friend!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Where are we going?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Can't we just take it day by day? - No, no, no, Karen. I can't.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Not any more, Karen, it's like living on a knife edge.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12What would be your next step in such a case?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- You don't know what to do. - How dare you speak to me like that?!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Your behaviour is completely inappropriate!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19If you don't ask, you don't get!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I am perfectly capable of mentoring a colleague,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25and if you don't trust me, then the shortcoming's all yours, Howard!