0:00:27 > 0:00:30- And now, ladies and gentleman... - And mix to camera two.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32MUSIC: "A Kind of Magic" by Queen
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- In you go.- Not again! - You know you love confined spaces.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Are you with me, my lovely?
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Be gentle with me.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40When am I ever gentle with you?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45it is time for a little cosmetic surgery.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50With this blade, he need never worry about double chins again.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52HE SCREAMS
0:00:52 > 0:00:53There we go!
0:00:53 > 0:00:58And with this, we'll get rid of an unsightly bulge.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01HE GRUNTS
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Yes!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Now, ladies and gentleman, I would like to sing for you
0:01:06 > 0:01:09a little song about my love of the male anatomy.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12It's very short. And it...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15No, no, let's not sing yet.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I miss my hubby too much.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Come, come!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Out with the blades and let us...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28open the box!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30SHE GASPS
0:01:33 > 0:01:35PHONE RINGS
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Hello?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Yes, it's...
0:01:41 > 0:01:45IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: No, no, Susie doesn't live here any more.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Hello, Mrs Tembe!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Goodness, what did we do without mobile phones, eh?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Mrs Hollins, I'm just phoning to remind you that this is my day off.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Oh, no, no, you're all right. I've organised a temp.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Ah, probably had heralds blowing bugles in our ear holes.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What are you going to do nice?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, I'm spending the day in the garden centre.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I am looking forward to some quiet time on my own,
0:02:16 > 0:02:17just choosing some plants.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Oh, well, have a good one and I'll see you later.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Goodbye.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Mrs Tembe!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh, Ms Hill.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I thought it was you. I'd know that face anywhere.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, I have had it all my life.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37So, what brings you here?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Well, I just saw you over the road.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Thought I'd come and join you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44£8.38...
0:02:44 > 0:02:48£8.39...
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Well, like Ronnie Corbett, I appear to be a little bit short.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I can pay next week, honestly. - OK. Next week.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Hang on!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Haven't I seen you on the telly?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I don't know. I can't actually see out through the screen.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No, it's you!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I used to love your magic shows back in the '80s.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh, well, thank you for liking me 30 years ago.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I still do have a pulse, you know?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Do a trick.- What?!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I don't know... Make something disappear.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I can think of one thing I'd like to make...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28OK, then. Madam, have you such a thing as a mobile phone on you?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Of course you do. You've been yabbering on it
0:03:30 > 0:03:32for the past five minutes. Thank you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And from you I'd like a brown paper bag.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And, oh, from you, young man,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- I require one of those hobnail boots. Come on. Pronto.- OK.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Thank you. Yes, just right.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Now, ladies and gentleman, the mobile phone.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53One of the great wonders of the modern age.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58But how do we stop it from getting on everyone's nerves, eh?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I'll show you how.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03SHE YELLS
0:04:04 > 0:04:06This is a trick?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09No, dear, it's not a trick, it's a miracle.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I'm freeing you from unwanted calls.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15And stopping you from annoying everyone else around you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You mad bat!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Oh, calm down, dear.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Why don't you have a mint imperial?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27What have you done with my phone?!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31You've been the victim of reverse pick-pocketing.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Have a look in your coat.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36That's impossible.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38No, my dear, that's magic!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Now, just you be careful how you use it in future.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48That was amazing! How'd she get the sweets in there?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50And how did she manage to...
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Where's my phone?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00How do you know which ones to choose?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Well, you just look at the label, see how much light it will receive,
0:05:04 > 0:05:09the moisture, the pH balance of the soil.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Well, I have a few more things to get,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15but it was lovely bumping into you.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Oh, no, I can't bear to think of you all alone on your day off.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'll come round and help you carry things.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Oh, no, I could not possibly put you to all that trouble.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24It's no trouble at all.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27My kids are off to a holiday club. I've got nothing else to do.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I can't believe the nerve of the woman.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I knew who she was cos I recognised her from off the telly.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Who was she?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Susie Vine.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You know, from the Vine & Weevil Show.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46What?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It was really funny. They were a husband and wife double act,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50but they argued all the time.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53It was all for fun cos you knew that they really loved each other.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58There was one episode where she ran him over in a double-decker bus.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Sounds hilarious. - They were, actually.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Until it all went horribly wrong on live TV.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I don't remember that.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05It must be online.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12"Vine and Weevil Live TV Disaster."
0:06:12 > 0:06:14There you go.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16So, her husband is locked in the magic cabinet.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18And she slides the blades in.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Don't tell me she accidentally performs a live vasectomy.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Not quite. But for some reason, she opens the door a little early.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26And when she opens it up...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Sorry, what's that girl doing down there?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31She appears to be playing with his magic wand.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34She used to help him in and out of the magic box.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Apparently they used to amuse themselves
0:06:36 > 0:06:38when Susie was doing her stand-up routine.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Oh, the poor cow.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Not that I've forgiven her, but blimey, live on TV!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47And that was the end of their marriage and career.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50She was last seen chasing him off the stage with a Samurai sword.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Pause it there.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I've done Botox on her.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56- Really?- Yep, I never forget a face.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Especially if I've stuck needles in it.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So, would you have her contact details?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Mm-hmm.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Oh, hello, kiddies!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13You must be the husband. You seem like a decent sort.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Solid and dependable.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Lucky cow.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26You wanted to see me?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I'm thinking of getting a CCTV camera for home.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Which one should I get?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35OK, long answer, none of them. Short answer, also none of them.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- What?- Britain has more surveillance cameras
0:07:38 > 0:07:39than anywhere else in Europe.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Does that make us safer? No, no, it doesn't.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Not when police numbers are getting cut year after year.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Forget the Guardian editorial, which one should I get?!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Susie Vine, I know you're in there!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59IN SCOUSE ACCENT: There's no-one here of that name, me lover.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02OK, I'll just go to the police, shall I?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Hello. Do I know you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09You should do. You nicked my phone this morning.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Nonsense, I've not left the house all day.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14But they do say everyone has a double.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Are you going to get that?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's probably a wrong number.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Well, I'll get it then. Excuse me.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27How many megapixels do you want?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Does that make a difference?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Of course it makes a difference.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Do you want a really crystal-clear image of someone you can recognise,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37or just some blurry blob of a stickman.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38OK, a reasonable number.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Infrared?- Infrared?- Yeah, you know. Do you want night vision?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45When admittedly it's not that good.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It can just look like you're watching an episode of Badger Watch.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I just want a camera that will film my property
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and tell me if someone's been in it.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Why don't you just use a common or garden webcam then?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Really?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Yeah, I'll tell you what...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I will set one up outside and you will see
0:08:59 > 0:09:02just how much clarity you can get from that tiny camera.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It seems to work. You haven't turned it into something.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Why do you do it?- Do what?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Nick other people's things. In front of a CC...what's it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It was a moment of madness. I've never done it before.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21All right, all right, so I take the odd mobile phone,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24the odd set of keys, the odd Dolce & Gabbana clutch.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26But it's once in a blue moon.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Really?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Shall I show you what else I've started to snaffle?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Why would you take that?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It's something to do while they're bagging up my broccoli.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46But why do you do it?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Because I can.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Because I have an extraordinary gift for prestidigitation...
0:09:52 > 0:09:53and not a lot to do with it.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59OK, so I know what happened to you.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And it's a shame you split up with Jeremy
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- and that you're not on the telly any more.- No, it's not!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I'm glad to be free of that useless lump.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And I don't want to be on telly.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Look, I haven't even got a telly.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Who needs telly when you can watch the squirrels
0:10:13 > 0:10:15burying their nuts in the garden?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Or nick phones.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Anyway, I'm glad the gormless little Grinch is finally gone.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23He was always a fat-headed parasite gorging off my talent.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Do you know what the little non-entity is doing now? Eh?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I'll show you.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"Uncle Jeremy's Magic Hour.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"Conjuring tricks for the kiddies at Letherbridge Library."
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh, God, I bet that's so embarrassing.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46And for my next trick, I shall lose every ounce of my self-respect.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Oh, wow, a magician who does tricks instead of thieving things.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Yes, well...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Hold on.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Susie Vine?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Who wants to know?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I'm here on behalf of Gorman & Hadden.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I believe you owe them £75.70.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Hm. Do I?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Well, mea culpa, mea culpa.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I've probably spent that money on fripperies like food and water.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28In that case, we are authorised to remove objects
0:11:28 > 0:11:30up to the value of the amount you owe.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35I don't think the house is worth that much, but come in anyway.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Make yourselves at home.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Come, come.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43What's mine is yours, apparently.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48So, you see? Even with a relatively low-resolution camera
0:11:48 > 0:11:50you can still make out people's faces.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Indeed. It's Toni and Daniel.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55What are they doing?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Oh, yes, fine. Who needs electric lights, eh? Hm?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I can probably find a jar of glow worms from somewhere.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Ah, good. Thank you, cos I don't need chairs.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27No, I am far too active to be sitting around all day.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Thank you, off you go.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Good idea. What would I want with that coffee table, hm?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I can't even afford coffee. Ha!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Farewell, coffee table.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Oh, thank you.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54- There you go.- Thank you.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02- How was that for you?- Not bad.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- You managed to avoid my toes completely this time.- Nice.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I think we're moving in the right direction.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I think we are.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Well, there you go.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I was born with nothing.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And I'm going to die with nothing.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21You know, if you're having problems with debt
0:13:21 > 0:13:23there are people you can talk to about, you know...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25advice lines and stuff.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Darling, I'm extremely well off. I'm practically rolling in it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31So why did the bailiff take your furniture?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I can't be bothered with bills and banks and direct debits.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37It's much easier to refuse to pay,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- and then let them remove any unwanted electricals.- Really?
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Look, I had some trouble last year and I walked out on my husband.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I thought I'd be fine and I'd cope on my own,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54but some people are better in a double act, aren't they?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56You need somebody who can understand what you're going through.
0:13:56 > 0:14:02Yes, well I'm not sure anybody can understand my problems because...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07..no-one feels pain like a magician.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11You see, we know there's no such thing as magic.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You ordinary mortals, you can cross your fingers
0:14:15 > 0:14:19and say a quick prayer as you choose your lucky numbers.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22But we know it's all just smoke and mirrors.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25We've spent our entire lives creating illusions.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32So only we know that life is one great yawning chasm,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and we all die alone and bitter.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Well, if only a magician can feel your pain,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39why don't you hook up with one?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Who did you have in mind? Paul Daniels? Ali Bongo?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You know who.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Funny how you kept his flyer, isn't it?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Oh, no.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53No, no, I am not going to sit and watch his pile of...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Sugar?- No, thanks. I have to watch my weight.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I cannot see a single ounce of fat on you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00That's not what my ex used to say.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02He used to call me Mrs Blobby.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Said he'd never have to worry about a spare tyre when I was around.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Then it is just as well that he is your ex.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Yeah, I suppose. I feel sorry for my kids, though.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Every child should have a proper dad.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13How old are they?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Sam's 12 and Toby's 13.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Just getting to the age when they only communicate in grunts.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21They're good kids, though.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23How long have you been looking after them by yourself?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I've never been completely by myself.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I've had the church and good friends.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I could have done with a bit more support from Derek,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32but some people have it a lot worse.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I have really enjoyed spending time with you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Me too! It's been really interesting.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42You know everything about plants. You know all about cooking.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You're like a walking encyclopaedia.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49But there is something I wanted to ask you about.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Oh, yes?
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Josh.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58I don't know how you talked me into this.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Is it all mind control? Are you Derren Brown?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Aren't you a bit curious to see him?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Well, I know what he looks like.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Oh, good, a fire alarm.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09If it gets too embarrassing, I can smash the glass
0:16:09 > 0:16:11and stage a mass evacuation.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Hello, Letherbridge!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Oh, dear, the passage of time has been horribly cruel.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I can't hear you!
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Try turning your hearing aid up, then.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Hello, Letherbridge!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25ALL: Hello!
0:16:25 > 0:16:26That's better.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Now for my first trick, I'm going to need a volunteer.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32But not just any volunteer... I need a rabbit.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I need a double vodka.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Now, I have a rabbit here called Starsky.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40But right now, Starsky is in his hutch.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Starsky, hutch, you get it?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43One for the mums and dads, there.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Right, shall we see if he's awake?
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Abracadabra, abracadee. Awaken, my bunny, and come unto me!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55He used to do that when we were married.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He just seems to blow hot and cold.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03He said we'd go on a date, but he never got back to me.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And it's so long since I've been with someone,
0:17:07 > 0:17:08so I don't know...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Is he actually interested in me,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14or does he just see me as some charity case?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21So, Starsky was in his hutch, but where is he now?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Let's have a look, shall we?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25He's dead!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28No, darling, he's just asleep.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Oh, no.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Ladies and gentlemen, I'm ever so sorry.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36He had a good innings.
0:17:36 > 0:17:3896 years old in rabbit years.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I'm so sorry but we're going to have to have a little interlude
0:17:42 > 0:17:43if you don't mind, please.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Extraordinary!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48It's not just an amazing trick, a metaphor for his entire career.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Why don't you just go and have a word with him?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53And say what? Give him recipe for rabbit soup?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01This is all very difficult.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I know that Mr Robson is fond of you,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07but he has been through a great many storms in his life.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Mrs Tembe, I do know all about his background.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13You do?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14I know what he did.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18And it scares the living daylights out of me.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22But if you believe in the Bible, we have to forgive,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24to love the sinner, and give people a second chance.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Well, yes, but...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29And I've got you, and Viv, and the whole of the church community.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I really think we can make a go of things, if he wants to.
0:18:33 > 0:18:40Even so, you will have to take things very slowly.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44He is, in many ways, a very fragile man.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Yeah. And I'm a tough one. Not a man, but tough.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Well, in that case, I wish you the very best.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I have known Mr Robson for a few months
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and I think you are very well-suited.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Perhaps it is God's will that He has brought the two of you together.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I just hope he is interested in me, and not just being kind.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Oh, the look on his face!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Like a rabbit caught in headlights.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I don't know how you can find it so funny.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, darling, it's a gift.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Being able to take pleasure from others' sufferings.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30At least he's doing something with his life.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Oh, yes, that's right. Traumatising children.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I do hope somebody puts it on YouTube.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40"Morbidly obese magician murders his rabbit."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42They could put it next to the other one.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46"Magician has it off with his lovely assistant."
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You've never forgiven him, have you?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I mean, I'm not sure that I would.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52But he was young, he was off the telly.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You know, I mean... it was just a stupid fling.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56It wasn't the fling.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00It was the fact he ruined a wonderful career
0:20:00 > 0:20:03that took us ten years to build.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05But there we go. His timing was always terrible.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- And don't you think he's suffered enough?- Oh, far from it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I'm going to be thrusting my sword in his cabinet till the end of time.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15He may be a joke, but at least he's trying.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17He's not some kleptomaniac conjuror
0:20:17 > 0:20:20who's wondering around in dark glasses
0:20:20 > 0:20:22worried that somebody is going to recognise her
0:20:22 > 0:20:24from when she was a hit.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25See, I don't know either of you,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28but when I used to watch you on the telly, I just thought...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I just that that you were great together.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And maybe the reason you haven't had so much luck on your own
0:20:33 > 0:20:34is cos you were meant to be.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38In a few years' time,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40you're going to be as dead as his rabbit.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43And there's going to be nobody left to miss you,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and that's tragic.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54OK, everyone, thanks for coming back...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Those of you that did.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58And I'm sorry about the unpleasantness with Starsky.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04But I'd like to think he's up there in bunny heaven, hopping around,
0:21:04 > 0:21:05looking down on us.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09And for my next trick,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I'd like a volunteer from the audience.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Anyone?- I will.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21# You can do magic
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# You took the raindrops that filled my eyes...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26What's the matter?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Cat got your...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Hold on.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# You made the grey skies turn blue
0:21:33 > 0:21:36# You can do magic
0:21:36 > 0:21:38# You took a heart that was broken...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Hello, everyone.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42My name is Susie,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and today, Jeremy and I will be...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48..up to our old tricks.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53SHE SOBS AND BLOWS NOSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# You can do magic...
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Now, some people like vanilla ice cream.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01But I like rainbow ice cream.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- All I've got here is an empty bag. - But I want a present.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, well...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07# Magic, magic, magic
0:22:07 > 0:22:09SHE GASPS
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I want another present!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16# Love is never tragical when you got the magical... #
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Kazam!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Oh, hello, what've you been buying? - What business is that of yours?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32I was only asking.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It's a CCTV system. Bought for home use.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Ah, yeah. Rob said you'd been asking about home security.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44What? What did he say?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46He said, "Heston's been asking about home security."
0:22:47 > 0:22:49So much for confidentiality.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54So...it's been a while.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Yes, well, I thought it was time we built bridges.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Over troubled water.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Though that's just water under the bridge now.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Do you do much magic?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Oh, well, I try not to, but they keep plaguing me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15You know, "Please come and work on BBC One, BBC Two...
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"three, four, five."
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Of course, you could always do a guest spot with me if you want.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Yes...yes, I might be tempted.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34So, how are things?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Not bad. Keeping busy.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I have something to give you.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40What is it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It is just a few pounds
0:23:42 > 0:23:45so you can take Ms Hill out on a date one evening.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I insist.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You told me you could not afford to take her out,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53and it would be such a shame when you are so well-suited.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- So, please.- No, Mrs Tembe. There's no way I can take this.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01- Oh!- Hello!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- I need someone to examine me. You'll do.- No, no, no!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Feel this.- What?!
0:24:06 > 0:24:07It's my heart.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11For the first time in 22 years it's beating.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Does that mean you're back with... - No, no, not quite.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I'm going to make him suffer for a little while longer,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20but any day soon, his toothbrush will be next to my toothbrush.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- That's great!- It is!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26And now I know I was wrong when I said there's no such thing as magic.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Love is magic.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31That strange force that can put things back together
0:24:31 > 0:24:33long after they've been sawn in half.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36That can make you feel like you're flying above an audience
0:24:36 > 0:24:39without the need of a safety net.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41So, yes, we are going to give it another go,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I just hope we don't make the same mistakes as last time.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Oh, no, you won't.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Cos they do say that it's better second time round, don't they?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51But please.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55No, I can't take any more of your charity.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Think of it as a long-term loan.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00When you get your Michelin-star restaurant
0:25:00 > 0:25:03you can cook me a six-course meal with a glass of champagne.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07OK. Thank you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15HE SNIFFLES
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Are you all right?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Yeah. It's just these onions.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Yep. It's working.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Hello.- Hello.- What brings you here?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Oh, that's nice.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You're only interested if I'm a hardened criminal.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Not true, always a pleasure.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Well, I know that you're working all hours
0:25:43 > 0:25:46so I have brought you sarnies,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49a Scotch egg, and a little bit of lemon drizzle.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Is there something in the water in Letherbridge today?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- What do you mean?- About an hour ago this woman turned up
0:25:54 > 0:25:56with a bin liner filled with handbags, dumped them on the desk
0:25:56 > 0:25:58and left before we had the chance to talk to her.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And now you've brought all these goodies.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Cheese and pickle?- Yeah.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10The world's greatest double act.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12One of the best.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I think someone may have sabotaged my security equipment.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Would you go and check on her for me? It's just round the corner.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Mate, I can't.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Please! I'm going out of my mind!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Hazel?- Get out of my house!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Whoa! All right, I'm going.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Well, if I knew how they were doing it,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I wouldn't be phoning you, would I?!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Fine!