0:00:27 > 0:00:30SOLEMN MUSIC
0:00:56 > 0:00:58SHE KNOCKS LOUDLY
0:01:07 > 0:01:09KNOCK ON DOOR
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Yes?!
0:01:12 > 0:01:13That's for you.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh! Thank you, Karen.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16I've been rushed off my feet all day.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I think I'm finally on top of things.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Not according to your calendar.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Oh, yes, yes.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25It was a present from Mrs Gulliver, apparently.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Can't compete with Daniel and his dinner jacket.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30It's very interesting though. There's a motivational quote
0:01:30 > 0:01:32for every day of the year.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I haven't thanked you properly for the concert tickets.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Oh, no problem.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I'm just sorry I couldn't make it. Are you?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Yeah...yeah.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I was really looking forward to, um...it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46How did you win them again?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Er...radio phone-in.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh, you listen to classical radio?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Yeah. I'm very cultured.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Ruhma said you paid for them.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Thank you, Karen.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59I didn't do anything.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Yes, you did. You must let me pay for them. No.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03I insist.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I insist back.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07That's exceedingly generous of you.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09You're welcome.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Well, at least you and Ruhma are back together again.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14You are back together again?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17OK...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"Turn it off and on again - Steve Jobs."
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Really?!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37ORGAN MUSIC
0:02:41 > 0:02:43How did you know Patrick?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Patrick...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47We were neighbours.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Me, too.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Parkvale or Bakerville?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53HESITANTLY: Bakerville?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Parkvale. Oh.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, I haven't been there very long.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Well, I expect he welcomed you?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02He did. Very warm man.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06That's what I'll miss most about him.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08His warmth.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I expect that's why he wanted to be cremated.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15What?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Well, because it's more environmentally friendly...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20or just because it takes up less space.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Right.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30So I told him, "I'm not sure how to spell placebo."
0:03:30 > 0:03:32This motivational calendar is just rubbish.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Well, there's only so much motivating they can do,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36the rest is up to you, Dr Carter.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38The quotes are inaccurate or complete nonsense.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39I can't believe that!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"Cheer up, it may never happen - Sylvia Plath."
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And Steve Jobs did not say, "Turn it off and on again."
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Well, he might have.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Let me see that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"Gandhi says, 'Relax.'"
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What's this? I'll have it, if you don't want it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Well, it's not good enough. I'm going to complain.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Er, wasn't it a present from what's-her-face, Mrs Gulliver?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Well, it was a nice thought, but I'm going to ask her where she got it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Rude.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Um, Mrs Gulliver has gone on a cruise.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08She came in to get her meds.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Well, I'll go on their website. They are not getting away with this.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Go, Heston!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Hey, fancy some lunch later?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Oh, I'm going to call my mum at lunchtime.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Right. How's that going?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Really good, thanks. Good!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I'm thinking about suggesting that I go over for a visit.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Really?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Well, we've had some really lovely phone chats since Sean was here.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And her birthday's coming up, so...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38What does your dad think? I haven't talked to him. Ah.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39But he was never much of a talker.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Even when we were speaking, if I rang the house, he'd be all, "Oh, I'll get your mother."
0:04:43 > 0:04:45One of those.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46And, you know, come to think of it...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I reckon my mum's been dropping hints that he's ready.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Here's hoping.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I'll sound her out, see how it goes. Good luck.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Thanks.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58We all knew Patrick in different ways.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00As a husband,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03as a father, brother...
0:05:03 > 0:05:04a friend.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I knew him as an active and committed member of our church.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Whenever help was needed, Patrick would raise his hand.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16When Mrs Kelly's roof fell in,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19he was there with a mop
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and a box of tools.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Let us all take a moment now to think about the Patrick we knew.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27SILENCE
0:05:27 > 0:05:28PEN SCRATCHES LOUDLY
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Reverend, that was a lovely eulogy. Very moving.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Patrick was well-loved.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Of course, and I'm sure he would have really enjoyed that.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Well, not enjoyed it exactly.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57What was that piece of music near the end?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Beethoven. Of course. Do you know which one?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Er... Fourth Symphony, I believe.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I was wondering, do you only do funerals at your own church
0:06:07 > 0:06:09or would you ever go a bit freelance?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Er, well, my responsibility is to my own parish.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14One last question.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17All those things you said about Patrick,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20did you know them already or did you have to do a bit of research?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I'm sorry?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Well, you obviously knew Patrick very well.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26As we all did.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I'm sorry, I have a busy day.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Yeah, I don't want to keep you.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35KNOCK ON DOOR
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Niamh's going to ask her mum if she can go home to visit.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40To Ireland? That's where they live.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43HE SIGHS They've been talking on the phone loads recently, too.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Look, a couple of phone calls is not going to do it, not with her family.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48So what's the plan?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Distraction. We keep her occupied in case it goes wrong.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Let's face it, it probably will.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54A night in the pub then, yeah?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56If it was you or me, then yes.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00As it's Niamh, she's going to want a quiet night in, wine, rubbish telly.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03That'll just make her wallow in her misery.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04What she needs is beer.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07No-one is ever miserable with a pint of beer in their hand. MOBILE RINGS
0:07:07 > 0:07:09And darts. Hello?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10(Talk to you later.) Absolutely.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I won't do anything without your say so.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24SHE KNOCKS GENTLY
0:07:41 > 0:07:42I know what you're doing. I'm not...
0:07:42 > 0:07:44It's not what do you think...
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Relax!
0:07:45 > 0:07:49You can stop the pretending. I'm not. I'm...
0:07:49 > 0:07:50supposed to be here.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52No, you're not.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And neither am I.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Graham.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Colin's Calendars.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Here we go.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05And...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07click on the link...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Why are you doing this to me?!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14You OK? Every time I click on Colin's Calendars,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I go to a site which says Callum's Colanders.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Have you spelt it right?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20No, I've checked it five times.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's written on the back.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Maybe the site's been hacked.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Why would anyone want a site on colanders anyway?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Isn't it the same as a sieve?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Um, no, not really.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I'll leave you to it. HESTON SIGHS
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Colin's...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I thought this vicar was a little too depressing.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yeah, I know what you mean.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42The one this morning had a very serious face.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43But he had gravitas. Yes.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45This one was trying a little bit too hard, I felt.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Yeah, exactly. We know it's sad, it's a funeral.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53What about the music? Well, I've never been a fan of The Doors,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56but I suppose it meant something to her.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You've got to think of your audience,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00sat on a wooden pew, listening to a six-minute organ solo. Yeah.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Do you know, it's so nice to be able to talk about this. Yes.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Some people might think what we're doing is a bit weird.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I don't see why.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I just want to be ready.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And I haven't been to many funerals.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's not as though we're hurting anybody.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Exactly.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20And it might be nice for them to have a couple more people there...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Especially someone as glamorous as yourself.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Oh!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Well, you know...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I don't know about that, but...
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Have you done this many times before?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32A few times, yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Wow.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Death used to bother me. Really bother me.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I couldn't watch TV or read the papers.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh...
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I went to a therapist and she suggested aversion therapy.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49So I used to scour the obituaries in the paper,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52put on a nice suit and the rest is history.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Well, you seem to be coping very well now.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Thank you very much.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Well, it's been very nice talking to you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Where are you going?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I'm a bit peckish and there was a sandwich shop on the main road.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Well, come to the wake. No, I can't!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It's fine. They put a notice in the paper.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12And if you want the full funeral experience...
0:10:12 > 0:10:16It's not as though we're just turning up. You were at the service.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17True.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Come on, then. Oh...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26What if we get caught? We won't.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Two people's better.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29But what if we do?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31We need to get our story straight.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Don't say you're a neighbour. The place could be teeming with neighbours. Right.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It's better if we're not local.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40You were close, but you hadn't seen each other for years.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42SCOTTISH ACCENT: Maybe I could be Scottish.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45If you like. And I'm your husband.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47We're married then.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48If you'll have me.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50In fact, she's the reason we met.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's a funny story, actually... Don't make it too complicated.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Yep, you're right. It's probably not the right time for funny stories.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58I'm Susie, who are you?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I always fancied being Drew.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Drawn?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Drew. The name.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Yeah, sorry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Drew and Susie Hastings.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Avoid close family.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11If in doubt talk to old people.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13They'll chat to anybody. Roger that.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Don't worry about tonight. Got it all sorted.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Me, too. Let's hear yours.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I've ordered pizzas, wine and loads of ice cream.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Impressive.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30And I've got wicked DVDs to take her mind off it, too. Which ones?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33About Time, because she loves a bit of cheese, Aliens...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Well, because that's your fault.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And on title alone, Hot Tub Time Machine.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40OK, that is an epic fail, as the kids no longer say.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43About Time is all about some dude's relationship with his father.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46It's from the people who brought us Love Actually,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47the worst film ever made.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50The central theme of Aliens is motherhood.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51No, it's not.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Ripley and Newt, the alien queen and all her little monsters.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Now, I've not seen Hot Tub Time Machine, but I imagine,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58like all Back To The Future pastiches,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00it's just about trying to get back home.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Ayesha, what are you thinking? What's your brilliant idea, then?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Simple, we go to the Countryman.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's two pies, two pints for a tenner night
0:12:07 > 0:12:08and we hang out round the dartboard.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12You do know that the Countryman's an Irish pub now, don't you? Yeah, course it is.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15No, seriously, and they got rid of the dartboard. What?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Is nothing sacred in this world?!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Er, hello?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21We're supposed to be talking about Niamh, here?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Yeah, of course.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Well, we need two new ideas.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25One would be nice.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26HE SIGHS
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Hey.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, Niamh. You spoke to her.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yeah.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I'm so sorry, mate.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It's their loss.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37No, she said, "Yes."
0:12:37 > 0:12:37No, she said, "Yes."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh, that's great news.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I'm going home.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I'm so pleased for you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I've got to book flights.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46We should go out to celebrate. Definitely.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Not the Countryman, though.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Why not?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52It's turned into an Irish pub.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Oh, well, you know what, that could be a laugh. Why not?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57All right, I'll cancel the pizzas, then. OK.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06So, what do you think, Drew?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Well, Susie. Little bit crowded.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well, it's nice to have a good turnout,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13but I wonder if they should have hired a bigger venue?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Apparently she was a member here.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Yeah, well, that's tricky, balancing sentiment with practicality.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I do like a proper do.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Some of the home occasions can be a little bit quiet.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Nobody wants that.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29The living have to go on living.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Mmm. You've got to try the chicken.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I would like to have my funeral at an amusement park.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Really?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39That'd be fun, don't you think?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Forget pall bearers, just throw me down the log flume.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43It's a health and safety nightmare.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Well, Susie doesn't care about health and safety.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Susie likes to live for the moment.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Susie apparently talks about herself in third person...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I think Drew would like a Viking funeral.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Really?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Set me on fire, float me out to sea.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Nice. Although I've always thought that was a bit of a waste of a boat.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01I could always steal another one.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It's not very practical.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No wonder they went extinct.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Can I get you some food? No, I don't want to be greedy.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Oh! Some of these people are on thirds.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Well...
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Oh, no!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13What?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15The next funeral. We're going to miss it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Does it matter?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I really want to see this one.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22OK, look, if we go now, maybe we can make it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Protect this with your life.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32That calendar company is impossible to find.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34You said.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I tried the internet, directory enquiries.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37The website doesn't even exist.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Maybe they went bust.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40They could be trading under another name.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Either way, you're not going to find them, so, time to move on.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, there are probably other customers who don't know they're being conned.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, imagine... They're probably planning a calendar for next year.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Good point...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Have you tried Trading Standards? You could call Watchdog.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Both good ideas. Thank you.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Watchdog?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Oh! Pesky traffic.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10We can always go to the wake.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11I don't know...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14It was in the paper. I've got the address.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Maybe we could stick our heads round the door.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19After you.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30If my funeral was like this, I would just die.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Again.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Why did you want to come to this one?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I don't know. I think I just liked her name, Lauren Stringfellow.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39We could be Stringfellow at the next one.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40That would be nice.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You know, it's nice, being other people,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46but I don't actually know anything about who you really are.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53What do you want to know?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, why are you so worried about death? Apart from the obvious...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58My sister died.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Oh, I'm sorry. When?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I was eight. Meningitis.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You must miss her. Yes.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06But I was also very scared of her coming back as a monster.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Was she mean to you? No, no.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Some of the kids at school said she might do that.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15My parents, well, they were very over protective.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Wouldn't let me out of their sight, in case something happened. I can imagine.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23So all of that turned me into the nutcase you see before you today.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25You don't seem like a nutcase to me.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Or if you are, you're one of those handsome nutcases they have in films.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34I think I'm a bit tipsy.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Have something to soak it up? No, I can't.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Go on, force yourself.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39No, no, thank you, but no.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I'll have yours. Be back in a minute.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Hello, I'm Natasha Stringfellow.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50No, Anastasia. Anastasia Stringfellow.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Charmed. Charmed to...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06What are you doing here?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I could ask you the same thing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10What?!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I'm sorry, really sorry.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Were you invited by the family?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17There was an ad in the paper. Not an ad, what's the word...?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Were you invited? Yes or no?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Not exactly.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25And what about at the chapel this morning? No.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Sorry. It's just that I haven't been to many funerals.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What sort of an excuse is that?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I just wanted to see what they were like. I wasn't hurting anyone.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35You are intruding on a family's grief.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Well, if you put it like that...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You're taking advantage of their hospitality,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41stealing their food and drink.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43No, I wasn't, cos I wasn't even hungry... What possessed you?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Why would you do such a thing?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I'm sick.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And I don't know if I'm going to get better.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Is that true? Yes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59You're not just saying that because you got caught? No, of course not.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'm trying to cope, but I'm just not very good at it.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And I didn't think what it would be like for Mrs Stringfellow.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Should I go and apologise? No, no. That won't be necessary.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'll just go, shall I...?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Wait! Wait.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Do you...do you have someone you can talk to?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19About your situation?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yes, of course. Lots of people.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Do you go to church?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24At Christmas. I like the carols.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Ah.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30You can reach me at St Saviours...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33..Church...
0:18:33 > 0:18:35if you ever feel you need to talk.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38CHOKING NOISE
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Don't worry, everybody. I'm a doctor's receptionist.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45WITH DIFFICULTY: Stop, stop it!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Oh, it's OK. He's fine. Everything's fine.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53No, I'm not. I could have died.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You call that food?!
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I should sue.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yeah, of all the funerals I've ever been to,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00that's the worst food I've ever had.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I wouldn't even feed it to my dog. (Stop it!)
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Is this man with you?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04We just met.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Was anything you told me true?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Yes, of course it is.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Then I think you both should leave, right now.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Fine. But you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14(Stop it, Graham.) I demand an apology.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16This isn't the last you've heard of this.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I am so embarrassed!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Why did you say those things?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Attack is the best form of defence.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Come on.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32We were having a ball until Reverend Stony-face poked his nose in.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Graham, exactly how many funerals have you been to?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Does it matter? Yes, it matters.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Was anything you told me true?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40I do have a sister.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42We don't talk much.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44But she is alive, mostly.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Come on, you lied, as well.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49No, I didn't.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Who the hell plans their funeral at your age?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53You're in it for exactly the same reasons as I am.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Which is?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57A voyeuristic thrill and some free grub.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You're wrong.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Come on!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04We can still have some fun.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08There's an Indian funeral round the corner.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11The food's going to be amazing.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh...scarf.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Weather's nice, anyway.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28We'll make a start. Right, then...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31So, we are here today...
0:20:32 > 0:20:33..to remember Reg.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Reg was one of us.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38He didn't have any family.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41We...we were Reg's family.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's great that you've all come here today
0:20:45 > 0:20:47to help send him on his way.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50As we all know, Reg was a right keen magician.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54So there really is only one way to pay tribute to him
0:20:54 > 0:20:58and that's to saw him in half. HE CHUCKLES
0:20:58 > 0:21:01No, but I do need a volunteer from the audience.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04A big hand for the mystery lady at the back.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Right, then.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Pick a card.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Going to have little drink after work. You want to join?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Actually, yes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I really feel I've achieved something. Oh.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Aside from the treating of patients?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Yes, I e-mailed the council about cowboy traders
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and had a very interesting conversation with a TV consumer affairs programme.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36They're ringing me back.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Wow!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I'm impressed.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I was sure that company was going to elude you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45No chance of that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Well done, Heston.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50You know, I have a saying just for occasions like this.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"Never overfill your sandwiches..."
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"Unless you want sauce on your shoes."
0:21:54 > 0:21:55That's the one.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Winston Churchill, according to my calendar.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Good old Winnie.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Which is nonsense and...
0:22:03 > 0:22:04you wouldn't know that...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10The penny drops.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Mrs Gulliver is a patsy.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I am Keyser Soze.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20How...how could you do that? I put a lot of effort into that.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Coming up with 365 different quotes, for a starter!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I'm really impressed that you sussed it so soon.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I actually got a sweepstake going and, oh, looks like Karen's won.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Who else knows?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Um, everyone.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35No, that's not fair.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yes, it is fair. Everyone knows.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38I wasted half a day.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40You made me look like an idiot.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41That took me more than half a day.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I wrote to the council! It would have gone straight to their spam folder.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46How can you do this to a colleague?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I would be delighted if someone had done that for me.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51GET OUT OF MY OFFICE NOW!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You know, a simple thank you would suffice.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55(Think of blood pressure.)
0:22:59 > 0:23:00APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:05As we all know, Reg was a huge Johnny Cash fan
0:23:05 > 0:23:07and Ring of Fire was his absolute favourite.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08So, thank you for that, Harry.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Right, there now follows a reading...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17..of Reg's favourite Christmas cracker jokes!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21As we all know, Reg had the sense of humour of a four-year-old.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23So I'm going to read out the set-up
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and if you know the punchline, shout it out.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Here we go. Number one...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Cliff. Correct.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Number two...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35What do you call a man hiding in a bush?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36RUSSELL!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Easy now, missus, give some of these others a chance.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Number three...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, are you ready?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Abso-blooming-lutely.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48And that luxury first round is on the Hollinses!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51What's the point in winning if you have to buy everybody a drink?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53The point is glory and kudos.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Humph. Al, may I have a word?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh-oh.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Is this going to be another loud, shouty word,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02like earlier in your office?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I overreacted.
0:24:04 > 0:24:11Well, you know, you were the victim of a quite spectacular sting operation. I was.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I was quite touched.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17So, thank you.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Always sleep with your eyes open.
0:24:19 > 0:24:47As Salvador Dali once said...
0:24:47 > 0:24:52I'm going to catch you up, OK?
0:24:52 > 0:24:59Hi, Mum... Yes, just one sec...
0:24:59 > 0:25:05Yes, no, we're all just going
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Oh, right...
0:25:14 > 0:25:21What if I had a word maybe...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's too soon, but, um...
0:25:23 > 0:25:29maybe in a few months we could...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Mum. I've really got to go.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34So, yeah, I'll call you soon, OK?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Bye.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I know I wasn't supposed to be here today.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Reg would have appreciated it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I wish I'd met him.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I didn't know a memorial could be so much fun.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55That's probably not the right thing to say, is it? No, it's fine.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I think a funeral should...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01try to capture who the person was in life.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Yes. That is exactly right.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07So, you didn't mind me sneaking in?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11I've been watching you today.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Have you?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I can tell you're going through something.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17You're looking for guidance.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19There's nowt wrong with that.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Thank you.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Warren.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Thanks.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40PHONE RINGS
0:26:53 > 0:26:55SHE SOBS
0:27:06 > 0:27:09You've come for your money, I expect, yeah?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Maybe it's time for you to just get on with your life.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You could start that by giving me a little smile?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20We're not teenagers.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22What's stopping you now?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Come on, Ruhma. No.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Fore!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01RADIO 4 PIPS
0:28:01 > 0:28:04For waking us up... Good morning, friends!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05..and getting us going.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08CHEERING Here she is!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10For making us laugh...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13and making us cry.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# Now and forever... #