0:00:26 > 0:00:30# His mother Mary kneeling down upon the Lord did pray
0:00:30 > 0:00:35# O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# O tidings of comfort and joy
0:00:41 > 0:00:46# Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place
0:00:46 > 0:00:52# And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace
0:00:52 > 0:00:57# This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface
0:00:57 > 0:01:02# O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy
0:01:02 > 0:01:07# O tidings of comfort and joy. #
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Whoo! - TRICKLE OF APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Thank you, everyone, that was really...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Heston?- Yes? - How do you want us to do our bows?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19That's really not important right now.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22But we could all hold hands, or we could come on individually.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Could we worry about the show first and the bowing later?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Was it that bad? - No, no, no. Marvellous.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32It's going to be a wonderful evening. Now, if we could just...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34You see, I said it was going to be all right on the night!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36You've no idea how worried I've been.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I woke up at three in the morning and my sheets were just dripping...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Dude, we don't need to hear about your bodily secretions.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43I was going to say, with sweat.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Talking of bed, there's somebody else here, a cast member,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47who is way past his bedtime.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Are you talking to me? - SHE CHUCKLES
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Come on, Joe, there's a gingerbread man at home with your name on it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54All right, but not too many.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You were wonderful. Say goodbye to everybody.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Bye, Joe!- Bye, Joe!- Bye, Joe!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01OK, now, if we could just...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Um...Dr Carter, one moment, please.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08I have a selection of snacks and beverages backstage.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Perhaps Dr Reid would like to assist me.- Oh, yeah, will do.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13OK, a quick break, then I want to see you in two groups.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16First, the ghosts, then Scrooge and the Cratchits.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Well, if anybody thinks acting's easy,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22they should come and smell the sweat on my underskirts.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Oh, thanks, Valerie(!)
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Um...Valerie, I thought you were going to bring in some mittens?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh. Yes, yes, I did say that
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- and then I went and left them in the glove compartment.- Oh, Valerie!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I bet Judi Dench doesn't leave her mittens in the glove compartment.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Yeah, well, Judi Dench has got an entourage, hasn't she?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40She's got a whole team of people keeping tabs on her mittens.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Right, if we could just, um...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44That seemed to go all right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Yes. Just one or two few things we can improve upon.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So, what can I get for you, Dr Vere?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I don't know. I could do with something to celebrate.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59So champagne, maybe? No, I'll have a coffee.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Ooo, no, no, no, no, I need to sleep tonight.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Camomile tea?- Heston? - Yes, thank you. Thank you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Heston?- Yes?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10I want to talk about this dirge you want to end with.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen? - Yeah, that's the one.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Now, obviously, on principle,
0:03:14 > 0:03:19I object to any mention of Satan's power, yadda-yadda-yadda.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21If we have to have a Christmas carol,
0:03:21 > 0:03:22how about we have one of the jolly ones?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Such as?- I don't know.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- Frosty the Snowman. - Oh, for goodness' sake!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Dr Haskey, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
0:03:33 > 0:03:35is a song about sacrifice.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37About looking after your fellow man.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Please, tell me the deeper meaning of Frosty the Snowman!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Well, it's about a fragile, transient,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47water-based life form who decides to seize the day
0:03:47 > 0:03:49because he senses a cataclysmic event
0:03:49 > 0:03:52is going to threaten our very existences.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Which is?- Climate change.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Are you sure you got the recipe right?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yeah, I followed it to the letter. Why?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, it's a Christmas miracle.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06You've turned a perfectly good wine into mouthwash.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Oi! You can make the next lot.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Huh!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You know, I love what she's done with this place.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16No-one does Christmas like Emma Reid, trust me.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Did you ever see that film, Miracle on 34th Street?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Where Santa gets a job in a department store?- Yeah.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24So there's this bit in it where this girl sits on Santa's knee,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28and all she wants for Christmas is her mum and dad back together
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and her brother and sister.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Mm.- I saw that when I was stuck in a care home
0:04:34 > 0:04:36and I used to want the same thing.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I used to cry myself to sleep at night, hoping Santa could hear me.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Snap!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Well, I mean, I had a mum, but she was usually off her face
0:04:44 > 0:04:48and all I wanted was to live somewhere calm and peaceful, like this.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- And now you do.- I know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54See, dreams do come true.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Mrs Tembe, marvellous. Perfect projection, crystal-clear diction.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Absolutely solid.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Well, I'm not sure that a ghost is supposed to be solid,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09but thank you very much.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I have a but, and it's a big but.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17After a while, your performance gets a bit one-note.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24That's two notes.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Well, perhaps you would prefer me to be more
0:05:27 > 0:05:29dee-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee-dum,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-do.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Try it.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38I was wondering whether I should play the role
0:05:38 > 0:05:41as an African god, Shango,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44who played his rhythms in a storm cloud.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- No, please don't.- What?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Why not? Let's have a bit more diversity.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Why not?- We already have a black woman playing a white man's part.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Excuse me?! - Who says ghosts have to be white?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58All right. Um...I stand corrected.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Maybe you could be a bit more, dee-da-dee-dum-dee-dee,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03dee-da-dee-dum-dee-dee. OK?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Valerie?- Yes?
0:06:05 > 0:06:11Your performance has an ethereal, other-worldly quality.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yeah, people often say that.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Yeah, but what I find a bit confusing is you can't keep still.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20One minute, you're crouching on the floor, then you're standing up,
0:06:20 > 0:06:21and then during the Belle scene,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24you're clambering all over the rostra.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You did say you wanted a performance that worked on many different levels.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Yes, I did. Um...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Perhaps you could you stay on the ground throughout.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Okey doke. Yep.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I will keep my phantom feet planted firmly on the ground.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Good. Er...Ruhma.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Yes, sweetheart.- Um...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, dear. Um...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50It's not really working, is it?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You don't look very comfortable on the trolley.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- I...I think we may have to recast. - What?!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57No! I...I've been through a lot.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Well, it's health and safety as much as anything.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00We don't want another accident.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Don't worry, we'll find something else for you to do.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04It is for the good of the show.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yeah. Yeah, of course.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07The show must go on(!)
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Don't be such a drama queen.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11It's not even an important part,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13it's just a load of elaborate pointing.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's harder than you think.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18A trained chimp could do it. I'll ask Daniel.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh! Speaking of which, Joe.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Yes?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- I couldn't really hear a word he was saying.- I heard every word.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yes, but you were standing right next to him.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Look, OK, it is just nerves, but he's really looking forward to it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34He'd be so upset if he had to drop out.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38No, he wouldn't! Just tell him what we did tonight was the show
0:07:38 > 0:07:39and he'd be none the wiser.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42What are you even doing here? You're not playing one of the ghosts.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46I'm just saying that if Joe's finding it difficult,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I know someone who would be a natural!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51HE SIGHS
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Right, you can open them now.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Ta-da! Hm!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's very festive.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I just wanted something to wear to Sophie's party on Saturday.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02- And is it fancy dress?- No!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I just want people to see me as I sashay through the door.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Oh, they will. Just as long as you don't think it's over the top.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Not really, but then again, my top is probably way higher than your top.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- It's very creative.- Oh, I think staying with you and Karen
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- has really helped me come out of my shell a bit.- Right.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I've gone from being one of those squidgy little green things to a butterfly.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Right.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28And I've realised something about myself.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Something I think I've always known deep down.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I need to tell you something personal.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Why don't you wait until Karen gets home?- What?!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41She'll be here in a minute and you can tell us both together.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Anyway, you need to get changed,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- you don't want get spag bol all over your baubles.- No.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So, yes, I am going to give him lots of extra tuition
0:08:54 > 0:08:57and he will be incredible on the night.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Or you could give it to someone who is incredible now!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04He's trying his best.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Do you know what he said to me this morning?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"Do I have to go through with this, Mummy?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:13He said, "Mummy, I am going to make you and Daddy so...proud
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"and I'm going to make all of you so happy."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- By resigning?- Right, that is it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22You have done nothing but snipe about Joe all evening.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- If anyone's miscast, it's you. - Miscast?!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Belle is supposed to be the young ingenue in love with Scrooge,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31not Old Mother Hubbard from Cradley Heath.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Cradley Heath?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37I'm making an executive decision. You're fired.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38- What?- What?!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Ah! So, I am going to have to miss out
0:09:43 > 0:09:47on being humiliated in front of half-a-dozen pensioners?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Dr Carmichael, don't you think that this is a little harsh?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53It has all gone very dramatic.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Which is more than can be said for this pile of...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58OK, look, maybe we could come to a compromise.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Oh, don't bother.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You can stick it up your bah humbug!
0:10:05 > 0:10:09OK. Who's going to be Belle?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21So, um...I was just going to ask you...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Flipping Zara Carmichael!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27How does she sleep at night?!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Oh, dear. What has the Wicked Witch of the West done now?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35She's only gone and sacked me from the play!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38OMG! You must be devoed! Why?
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Well, because I said you should be in it instead of her useless son.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Ah. You never really did get the hang of diplomacy, did you, love?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49So, you gave up your dreams of stardom for me?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Well, you say stardom, but they'll probably get,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I don't know, two stray dogs and a pensioner.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I know! We could do our own show!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59We'd be a massive internet sensation!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02OK! Can I take my coat off first?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, Adam's been, er...picking my brains
0:11:04 > 0:11:07about what outfit to wear for Sophie's party.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12He's been asking you for fashion advice?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Well, it's good to know what the ordinary man on the street thinks.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I've narrowed it down to two.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I'll go and get them. You stay right there.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- You seem to be getting on. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I do have concerns.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Jimmi?- Ah, yes?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Very nuanced performance.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Understated. Lots of light and shade.
0:11:37 > 0:11:3950 Shades of Clay!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Um...so, that's...that's good, is it?- Oh, superlative.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Maybe a little bit more projection. It's absolutely superb.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Zara? Lots of energy in your performance,
0:11:52 > 0:11:57but Mrs Cratchit appears to have been born in the East End
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and moved to Australia via Pakistan.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:05What?! Look, I can do it really well when there's no-one watching.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07OK, that's unfortunate because I think we're expecting an audience.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- Do you want a bet?- Just tone it down a bit. Less is more.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Sid.- Hello.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17How do you think it went?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Well, I'm just relieved to get through it, really.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It's amazing how acting takes you out of yourself, though.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I mean, suddenly, I'm 40 years old,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25married to Zara, with a four-year-old child.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- In the play, obviously. - Daniel will be relieved.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Well, you did technically get through it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- I just couldn't hear a word.- What?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You and Joe seemed to be doing the whole thing in mime
0:12:36 > 0:12:40and stumbling about and mumbling noises.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43W-W-W... Er... Huh!
0:12:43 > 0:12:47OK, um...what's the one thing that would most improve my performance?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Subtitles. LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Al.- Yes, my liege?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Er...well, on a positive note,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58you certainly were audible, um...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01but what exactly were you saying?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Well...it was this, sort of.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yes, but you've rewritten every speech.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11I mean, for example, the line is, "Lead on, Spirit",
0:13:11 > 0:13:14not "Giddy up, Spooky".
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Look, it needs livening up.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20You can write this stuff, but you can't say it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Look, Alastair Sim managed it,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24and Orson Welles and Michael Caine
0:13:24 > 0:13:29and...and thousands of Scrooges in every corner of the globe.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Yeah, but could they perform a cricothyroidotomy?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33This is a gift of a part.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Don't send it back to the shop for alterations.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Nothing is so good it can't be improved upon,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40but if you're happy with mediocrity...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Sorry, where are you going? - For a drink.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Anybody who wants to join me, giddy up!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46No, no, no. These are teething problems.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Why don't we have another read-through?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Because we've given up the will to live.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52We've lost Scrooge, so...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You know, a drink might not be a bad idea.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59There's an old showbiz saying, if you have a very bad run-through,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01you're going to have an excellent first night.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05And on that basis, our first night should be superb!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09So he was trying on all these outfits.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11He made this place look like a catwalk.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Mmmmm!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh, it sounds like you were having a better time than me.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Yeah, but then he said he had an announcement to make,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21of a personal nature.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- What was it? - Well, I don't know for sure.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I asked him to wait until you got home so he could tell us together.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Why did you do that?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Well, it's fairly obvious, isn't it?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31He wants to come out, doesn't he?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Well, I don't know, but why did you ask him to wait?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Because I don't know anything about being gay, apart from the obvious.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What if I said something wrong, knocked his confidence?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Well, you...you just say,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"That's great, well done, you.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Have you got a boyfriend?"
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh, that's great, well done, you. Have you got a boyfriend?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It doesn't sound right to me.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53It's a huge compliment that he asked you. I mean, it...
0:14:53 > 0:14:57He can obviously see behind the crusty, He-Man exterior
0:14:57 > 0:15:00to the human being with a heart.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I've never seen it myself.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Are you ready for the show?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Yes, we are.- Yay!- We can't wait.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12DOOR CLOSES
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I mean, it's not like anyone's being paid to do it, is it?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16We're all volunteer... Ooo!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Sorry, we were just... - Yeah, I think we can guess.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- How were rehearsals?- Not good.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26At the moment, I think we should let the audience in for free
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and then make them pay £100 just to get out.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh, it can't be that bad.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32That speech you did this morning was hilarious.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I can do it in the kitchen, or in the car, or in the shower,
0:15:34 > 0:15:38but as soon as I think about doing in onstage, I just fall to pieces.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You'll be fine. You just need to go through it a few times.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Yeah, I suppose. Off to learn my lines.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- See you.- Ooo! And I shall whip you up some lovely mulled wine.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52That's what I call comfort and joy.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So, is it really that bad? I want to see it now!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59It's fine. And Lena is being brilliant with everybody.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02She's...she's such a doer!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- So, what's the problem?- Heston.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06He just doesn't understand
0:16:06 > 0:16:09that people need bigging up, as well as dragging down.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12At the moment, it's going to end up being a whodunnit.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Who Killed Heston Carter?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17And I tell you now, there are no shortage of suspects.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Oh!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- OK, here we are, um...Peregrine Peculiar.- Thank you.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- And a fruit smoothie.- Thank you.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Are you not having one?- Ah!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33ANIMATED CHATTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Oh, never mind.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Yeah, this is much more convivial.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- So, Heston, I have a couple of notes for you.- What?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44The Mr Fezziwig dance. You are playing that for laughs, right?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Well, no, it's an English folk dance
0:16:47 > 0:16:50with a bit of Highland fling, then a soupcon of paso doble.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52More like pass the sick bucket.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Heston, we need to talk about props.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You did a list and some of the things are completely impractical.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Well, how many do you have left to get?- 76.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I've spoken to Emma, had a chat,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08and we think that black-box minimalism is the way to go.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10No, no, no, you can't have minimalism at Christmas.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Oh, and another thing, for the giant's feast,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14we need turkey, geese, game, sausages, mince pies...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18But it's only onstage for a few seconds. We can't afford it!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20All right, then, maybe some tartlets.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22And we need the door knockers.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24One with Jacob Marley's face and one without.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Heston, we are going to have to cut back.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28My list is longer than Santa's!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31For heaven's sake, all I'm asking for is a couple of dozen tarts
0:17:31 > 0:17:33and a pair of 19th-century knockers!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38UPBEAT MUSIC
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Eeee! Wow!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42KAREN LAUGHS
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Ahhhhhhhhh!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Ooo!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59KAREN LAUGHS
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Hooray!
0:18:05 > 0:18:06KAREN WOLF-WHISTLES
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Thank you, thank you, thank you!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Brilliant!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16THEY CHUCKLE
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Here we go, ladies.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Ooo, lovely!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Thank you.- Thanks.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh, it's like Christmas in a glass.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28What was your best-ever Christmas?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Me? Well, I suppose it would've been when Chris was little.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33It doesn't seem the same somehow,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36without having a child running around the place.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- We've got Sid.- Yes, indeed we have.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40What about you?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Well, I remember when I was five, our electricity got cut off.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Why?- Mum didn't have any money for the meter.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47But we had a really good time.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50We ran around in the dark, told ghost stories.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Then we went outside and made a bonfire.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54There's nothing quite like making your own entertainment.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56What about you?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Oh. Christmas isn't really Christmas when you're in care.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You kind of feel like everything that gets given to you
0:19:02 > 0:19:04is going to get taken away again.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Tyler, I don't mean to be critical, but, um...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08what did you put in the mulled wine?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I followed your recipe.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Right. It's just that I can taste garlic.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Seven or eight cloves, right?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Seven or eight cloves?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Do you know what, I'm, er...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I'm going to go and, er...help Sid learn his lines.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27ANIMATED CHATTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Where's Lena?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32She went home with a migraine.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh. I'm surprised you didn't ask her for a sick note.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Heston, my highly-nuanced colleague and I
0:19:38 > 0:19:39have got a little something for you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Don't drag me into this, this was your idea.- What is it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Well, if we really do have to go with all that religiosity at the end of the show,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I've found a version which is almost acceptable.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51MUSIC: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (Rock Version)
0:19:51 > 0:19:55# God rest ye merry gentlemen... #
0:19:55 > 0:19:57What do you think?
0:19:57 > 0:20:03It's a primordial, gut-wrenching expression of obsidian blackness.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05That's a go, then, yeah?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06No, of course not!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12# To save us all from Satan's power
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# When we were gone astray. #
0:20:15 > 0:20:17THEY LAUGH
0:20:19 > 0:20:21So, what should I go for, fur or feathers?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh! Why are you even asking?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26What do you mean?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27You look great whatever you wear.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Clothes just love you, you lucky thing.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Oh!- Wear what makes you comfortable, whatever makes you happy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36That sounds like very good advice.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38But I am on earlies, so I'm going to hit the hay.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- OK, night-night.- Night, love.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Good night. Good night.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49You're so lucky to have him.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Aw! We're lucky to have each other.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hm. One day, I hope to find someone like Rob.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Not exactly like him.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Oh, and you will. And when you do, you're going to have so much fun.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I just remembered, I need to ask him something!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I know she can be a nightmare, but I'd still love to see her.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Are you sure it's a good idea?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Of course it isn't. In fact, it's a terrible idea,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19but isn't Christmas about getting people together?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I wouldn't know.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24There's going to be me, Debs, Sierra.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Karl's coming over from Germany.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29How good would it be if Mum could be there on Christmas Day?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Well, you never know.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'm looking forward to meeting the gang.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Hm-hm! And they are going to love you.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Even if you are a copper. - Hey! Come here.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- You like winding Heston up, don't you?- Very much.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I'm not allowed to smoke indoors, so I need to find some pleasure.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Don't let me stop you. He's been driving me bug-eyed all week.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55The thing is, we are doing this play with, what, ten people?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You add Emma and Lena backstage and that's 12.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Every single one of those dozen have got their own agenda.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Now, Heston wants it to be a masterpiece
0:22:04 > 0:22:07so we'll all acknowledge what a genius he is.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Mrs Tembe wants it to be morally uplifting
0:22:10 > 0:22:12so she can show off to her church friends.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Zara wants Tiny Tim to be the star.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Valerie probably wants to get picked up by a horror movie company.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Exactly. And me, I...I just want to have fun.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I don't care if people laugh at me, or with me,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I honestly couldn't give a figgy pudding.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Absolutely ditto, but you are going to learn your lines properly, yes?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, maybe.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34The thing is, I quite like the idea of that special credit.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- CHANTING: Speech, speech, speech! - "With additional material by..."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39CHANTING: Speech, speech, speech!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41What do you reckon? Earth to Jimmi.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Earth to Jimmi. Are you with us?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Yes, sorry. I know that guy.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49CHEERING
0:22:49 > 0:22:52The thing is, I know I'm different
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- and different can either be fun, or it can be lonely.- I'm...I'm sure.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Though I have to be true to myself, don't I? I can't live a lie. - Of course not.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I've been lying in my bed, thinking,
0:23:00 > 0:23:05"I can't be. It's just a phase, Everyone's going to reject you."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07No-one will... Well, I hope no-one will reject you.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- We think you're wonderful.- OK.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Well, I've realised when I'm older...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19..I want to be a police officer.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Oh!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I used to think it was about wearing the uniforms and looking hard,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26but since spending time with you,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I can see it's all about helping people.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30It is. Yes, it is.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I mean, that's what I do every day at work,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I help people rub along with each other.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I could do that! I could be a police officer with a truncheon,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39helping people to rub along together!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Of course you could. Shall we talk in the morning? I...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45But I am...I'm...I'm genuinely flattered.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I'm just really pleased I could tell someone.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Good night, Sergeant Hollins. - Good night.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Hm!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13What's the matter?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15It's Rob.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18He's so kind, so caring.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Yeah?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- HE LAUGHS - And so easy to wind up!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28SHE CHUCKLES
0:24:31 > 0:24:36SLURRED: So, yeah! This is such an honour.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40But I want to thank all the people that helped me get here today.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41CHEERING
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Like the bus driver.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I want to thank the little people.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53THEY GROAN All the rest of them.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56But most of all, I want to thank you guys.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Aw!- Cheers!- Cheers!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Because you rock.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And one day, we're going to rule the world.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05CHEERING
0:25:05 > 0:25:07So brace yourself, world, yeah?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Oh, yeah!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:25:17 > 0:25:20MUSIC: A Winter's Tale by David Essex
0:25:30 > 0:25:31- Emma?- Yeah.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Can I ask you a question?- Of course.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Ayesha's mum.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40What do you want to know?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Well, you've met her, right?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Is she as bad as she sounds?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Let's just say that, er...Bren has baggage.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51A whole load of baggage, right?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Look, don't tell Ayesha I've said this,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59but Bren is damaged.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01She plays nasty mind games with people
0:26:01 > 0:26:06and manages to mess up all the good things in Ayesha's life.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I mean, the last time she was here,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11well, the rug in the front room? She peed on it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15And when I mentioned it, she swore at me until she passed out.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20She drags her down, Tyler, every time.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Ayesha wants to meet up with her over Christmas.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Oh! God help us all! That's the last thing she needs.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Alia, look, I'm really sorry, OK? We're running behind.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33We will be home soon. All right. OK. Bye!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35And I need a Victorian smoking cap!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37(Can you get me a drink?)
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well, let me know when you've got one!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- What?- Oh, no, I'll get you a drink, of course I will, dictator.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Oh, sorry, I meant director.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48What have I done now?
0:26:48 > 0:26:52I am fed up with the way that this show is taking over our lives.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Well, it'll be over in a few days. - Yeah, and so might we be.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57What do you mean?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01You hardly notice me. And as for that accident...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- That wasn't my fault.- An apology, that would've been really nice,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07but, no, all you care about is the sodding show.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- I hardly think that's fair. - And Al is right. Your Fezziwig dance stinks!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- All I need is a piece of paper telling my boss I'm fit to work. - You sure?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28If you sign him fit and it all goes pear-shaped, it'll be your career.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30EMMA LAUGHS
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I think that's better than Heston's Fezziwig dance!
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- Take a seat, Mr Bauman. - That was very formal, Dr Reid.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Last time we met, it was Max.