The Lunch Break

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0:00:25 > 0:00:28Ah! On time as always, mon petite fromage.

0:00:28 > 0:00:30Now, we have the table at 2:15,

0:00:30 > 0:00:32which gives us plenty of time to stroll over...

0:00:32 > 0:00:34I'm sorry, Heston, I haven't quite finished.

0:00:34 > 0:00:37Do you want to go on through, Helen? I'll be right with you.

0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Thanks, Ruhma.- OK.

0:00:40 > 0:00:41You have another patient?

0:00:41 > 0:00:43Oh, look at your little face.

0:00:43 > 0:00:45Look, Mrs Mathews, she called this morning.

0:00:45 > 0:00:47Her previously-very-lovely partner

0:00:47 > 0:00:49has become all distant and moody since she's got pregnant,

0:00:49 > 0:00:51so I agreed to fit her in.

0:00:51 > 0:00:54- We'll lose our table if we're not there in...- We won't be late!

0:00:54 > 0:00:58I just need five much-needed minutes to give her moral support.

0:00:58 > 0:01:00Oh, you are a wonderful woman.

0:01:00 > 0:01:02Yeah, well, it has been said. OK!

0:01:05 > 0:01:07So, er...how are things?

0:01:07 > 0:01:09Really, really well, thanks.

0:01:09 > 0:01:12That's very good. And Mark?

0:01:12 > 0:01:13He's great.

0:01:14 > 0:01:17OK, Helen, I don't mean to burst your bubble or anything,

0:01:17 > 0:01:20but the last time we met, you were thinking of ending things.

0:01:20 > 0:01:23- What's changed? - It's hard to explain.

0:01:23 > 0:01:25I just feel like I understand him better now.

0:01:25 > 0:01:27Did that book on prescription help?

0:01:27 > 0:01:30I did read this one and, not that it was bad or anything,

0:01:30 > 0:01:34I'm sure it works for other couples, it just wasn't the one for us.

0:01:34 > 0:01:37It mainly suggested we sit down and talk, and you know Mark!

0:01:37 > 0:01:41Getting him to tell me what he had for lunch is like getting blood out of a stone.

0:01:41 > 0:01:43Right. Er...so, if it wasn't the book...

0:01:43 > 0:01:46It wasn't this one, but while I was waiting for you last time,

0:01:46 > 0:01:49I saw this one on your shelves.

0:01:49 > 0:01:52How To Speak Man: A User's Guide For The Modern Woman.

0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Is this on prescription? - If it's not, it should be.

0:01:55 > 0:01:58I'm not kidding. This book has totally changed our relationship!

0:02:03 > 0:02:05How are you, Mrs Tembe?

0:02:05 > 0:02:09Oh, er...it's just... Well, the hernia, you know.

0:02:09 > 0:02:10Is it still painful?

0:02:10 > 0:02:12Well, no, not really.

0:02:12 > 0:02:15It's unfortunate that my appointment at St Phil's is not for another few weeks.

0:02:15 > 0:02:19Well, if it gets worse, you can always come and see me.

0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, I appreciate that, Dr Carter. Thank you.

0:02:21 > 0:02:25The delays for these appointments can be ridiculous!

0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yes. Well, I do not mind the wait.

0:02:28 > 0:02:31Yes, well, I do. Why is Ruhma taking so long?

0:02:31 > 0:02:33Well, I really don't...

0:02:33 > 0:02:36I am feeling like a cheeky burger.

0:02:36 > 0:02:38That's strange, because you look like a dog's dinner! Ha-ha!

0:02:38 > 0:02:41Ah, you're some kind of comedy genius.

0:02:41 > 0:02:43- For goodness' sake! - What? I thought it was funny.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45Ah, about time!

0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Right, well, I will see you soon. - Absolutely.

0:02:48 > 0:02:49And thank you again for the book.

0:02:49 > 0:02:52Ah. Well, it's nothing to do with me, but I'm really glad it helped.

0:02:52 > 0:02:54Everyone should read it. Especially men!

0:02:54 > 0:02:58If we leave now, we could still get a starter and a main course.

0:02:58 > 0:03:00Was she referring to a book on prescription?

0:03:00 > 0:03:02No, no, no, she got this one from our library.

0:03:02 > 0:03:04- How To Speak Man. - How to speak man what?

0:03:04 > 0:03:08Ruhma, you know how many weeks it's taken me to get this table! Can we please just go?

0:03:08 > 0:03:10Right, just a second, listen, this is amazing.

0:03:10 > 0:03:13Helen swears this book has given her a fresh perspective on men.

0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Join me for lunch? - Oh, I suppose so.

0:03:17 > 0:03:19Well, don't sound too excited(!)

0:03:19 > 0:03:22Huh! You do realise that at this point in the relationship,

0:03:22 > 0:03:25I already know everything that you're going to say,

0:03:25 > 0:03:27and I'm bored of the Icon's menu, too.

0:03:27 > 0:03:30But Carlos is making his tiramisu cupcakes this week.

0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oh, well, in that case, I could force myself.

0:03:33 > 0:03:36Right. Trumped by a cupcake. Makes me feel special(!)

0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Ha-ha!- What a load of monumental claptrap!

0:03:39 > 0:03:44The idea that reading a book once can turn a relationship around...

0:03:44 > 0:03:46- But it did.- What's going on?

0:03:46 > 0:03:50Dr Carter seems to have taken exception to this book.

0:03:50 > 0:03:53Forget research, forget scientific rigour.

0:03:53 > 0:03:56Apparently, all one needs to understand the complexities

0:03:56 > 0:03:59of the opposite sex is a superannuated pamphlet(!)

0:03:59 > 0:04:01If you would just listen to me for a moment...

0:04:01 > 0:04:04I don't want to listen, I want to be at Chez Margot,

0:04:04 > 0:04:06where I have fought to get us a table

0:04:06 > 0:04:08so we can enjoy their spectacular menu.

0:04:08 > 0:04:12And we soon will be, but you can't dismiss something out of hand without reading it first.

0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Look, Helen... - Could not be more wrong.

0:04:15 > 0:04:16- Oh, really? - Now it's getting interesting.

0:04:16 > 0:04:18We could've sold tickets for this.

0:04:18 > 0:04:22The self-help book is the bane of my existence.

0:04:22 > 0:04:24Written by some illiterate moron

0:04:24 > 0:04:26who won't know his hyphen from a semicolon.

0:04:26 > 0:04:28I really don't need you to lecture me, Heston.

0:04:28 > 0:04:30I'm not lecturing you, I'm simply trying to explain

0:04:30 > 0:04:35that this book could not have turned your patient's relationship around in a matter of days.

0:04:35 > 0:04:37- And I will tell you why. - Mansplaining.

0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Textbook!- Man-what?

0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Heston, have you even read it? - I don't need to.

0:04:42 > 0:04:43Typical man.

0:04:43 > 0:04:47Oh, the cliche used by all women down through the centuries.

0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Heston...? - Look, see what you've done?

0:04:49 > 0:04:51We may miss our table. So, can we please go?!

0:04:51 > 0:04:53I'm suddenly not very hungry, thank you.

0:04:55 > 0:04:58Ayesha? Mrs Tembe? Shall we...?

0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Shall you what? - I thought we were having lunch?

0:05:00 > 0:05:04Well, suddenly, all women seem to have lost their appetite.

0:05:04 > 0:05:06Ahhhhh.

0:05:11 > 0:05:14- What just happened? - Er...Ruhma just dropped the mic.

0:05:14 > 0:05:17Yeah, then Zara picked it up and dropped it again.

0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Translation? - You've riled the sisterhood, Heston,

0:05:20 > 0:05:22and now we're all in trouble.

0:05:22 > 0:05:25But don't worry. We're going to need sandwiches, any kind.

0:05:25 > 0:05:27And coffee, please.

0:05:27 > 0:05:30Don't worry, Heston, we won't let you go through this alone.

0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Through what?- That's the spirit.

0:05:35 > 0:05:37You...you saw that, right?

0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well, Dr Carter could have, er...

0:05:39 > 0:05:43- well, behaved better in the discussion.- You think?!

0:05:43 > 0:05:46We are going to need salad and fruit.

0:05:47 > 0:05:49Oh, who am I kidding?

0:05:49 > 0:05:50We're going to need cake.

0:05:50 > 0:05:51I'll go. To be honest,

0:05:51 > 0:05:54I'm not exactly sure what all the fuss is about. It's just a book.

0:05:54 > 0:05:56Well, my thoughts exactly.

0:05:58 > 0:06:01Instead of getting me some cake, can you just get me some fruit, please?

0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Carlos is doing tiramisu cupcakes. - Really?

0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well, just get me a little one and maybe some...

0:06:07 > 0:06:09Can you just go and we'll explain when you get back?

0:06:09 > 0:06:11Look, you don't have to all get involved, OK?

0:06:11 > 0:06:14This will all blow over once he calms down.

0:06:14 > 0:06:17This isn't about you two any more. This is about all women.

0:06:17 > 0:06:19- It is?- Let's have a look at this book.

0:06:19 > 0:06:21We're going to need ammunition.

0:06:21 > 0:06:23Ammunition?

0:06:23 > 0:06:25This is no longer a lunch break, ladies.

0:06:25 > 0:06:28This...is war.

0:06:28 > 0:06:32- Sandwich run?- Yep. You, too?- Cake.

0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Hm!- What was all that about in there?

0:06:34 > 0:06:37- I don't know, you tell me. - They're just bored, if you ask me.

0:06:37 > 0:06:40Grown-ups bickering about some stupid book.

0:06:40 > 0:06:42Besides, the whole men and women thing

0:06:42 > 0:06:45speaking different languages is so last century.

0:06:45 > 0:06:48Everything's out in the open now, or at least it should be.

0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Why do you think I dumped Tyler? - Er...

0:06:51 > 0:06:55He gave the whole spiel about having to protect me because I'm a woman.

0:06:55 > 0:06:57Like I need any of that!

0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Yeah.- Unreconstructed, that's Tyler.

0:06:59 > 0:07:01I looked it up. Not like you.

0:07:01 > 0:07:03You're totally constructed, aren't you?

0:07:03 > 0:07:07Thanks to this book, Helen has finally been able to understand

0:07:07 > 0:07:10how scared and vulnerable Mark's been since she got pregnant.

0:07:10 > 0:07:14It's really helped her to encourage him to talk about his feelings.

0:07:16 > 0:07:18Heston is very happy to express how he feels,

0:07:18 > 0:07:20but doesn't always understand why.

0:07:20 > 0:07:22- READS:- Women share, men hide.

0:07:22 > 0:07:26I'm afraid I understand Dr Carter's position.

0:07:26 > 0:07:30Some of these self-help books offer no help whatsoever.

0:07:30 > 0:07:32- READS:- All women know that men are incapable

0:07:32 > 0:07:34of uttering those three little words.

0:07:34 > 0:07:37I...don't...know.

0:07:37 > 0:07:39Now, that is very true.

0:07:39 > 0:07:42The problem is, Heston and I are rubbish at arguing.

0:07:42 > 0:07:44Didn't look like that to me.

0:07:44 > 0:07:47You hear about people that are able to argue in a very constructive way.

0:07:47 > 0:07:51Well, we both shout at each other, then he sulks and that's it.

0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Probably thanks to our history. - Your history?

0:07:57 > 0:07:58Er...Heston's heart condition.

0:07:58 > 0:08:01So I'm always very super-careful not to upset him.

0:08:01 > 0:08:03Well, that is very wise.

0:08:03 > 0:08:06But it means that we can never argue when we need to

0:08:06 > 0:08:09and it is impossible for me to win, especially when I know I'm right!

0:08:09 > 0:08:11- OK, that is it!- What is?

0:08:11 > 0:08:14Good arguments are at the heart of successful relationships,

0:08:14 > 0:08:16and it's about time you won one!

0:08:16 > 0:08:19- I'll be your coach.- Sorry, what?

0:08:21 > 0:08:24I am going to coach you how to win the next round.

0:08:24 > 0:08:27Is that not going to exacerbate the situation?

0:08:27 > 0:08:28It can't be any more exacerbated!

0:08:28 > 0:08:30Do you think this is a good idea?

0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Have you ever seen me lose an argument with Daniel? - Where do we start?

0:08:33 > 0:08:37OK. You're going to need a sparring partner. Someone to role-play with.

0:08:37 > 0:08:39Well, perhaps I might be able to help.

0:08:39 > 0:08:42I don't think this is really your field, Mrs Tembe.

0:08:42 > 0:08:48Oh. I think you'd be surprised, Dr Carmichael.

0:08:48 > 0:08:50OK. OK.

0:08:50 > 0:08:53So, Ruhma, you stand here, Mrs Tembe, here, face-to-face!

0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Right.- Right, like this? - Yeah. That's perfect.

0:08:56 > 0:08:58Now, look each other right in the eye.

0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Now, Mrs Tembe?- Yes?

0:09:02 > 0:09:03Give us your best Heston.

0:09:05 > 0:09:08Me? Do Dr Carter?!

0:09:09 > 0:09:13I can't argue properly with Ruhma!

0:09:13 > 0:09:15You seemed to be doing pretty well in there.

0:09:15 > 0:09:17Well, that's just shouting.

0:09:17 > 0:09:22And then Ruhma stares at me, like I'm some petulant schoolboy,

0:09:22 > 0:09:23which I prove by sulking.

0:09:23 > 0:09:26How do you usually resolve things?

0:09:26 > 0:09:29Well, I calm down and, er...then we forget about it

0:09:29 > 0:09:31and carry on like nothing has happened.

0:09:31 > 0:09:34I just wish I could get a bit better at it.

0:09:34 > 0:09:37It'd be good if Jimmi was here.

0:09:37 > 0:09:39Jimmi is very composed in an argument.

0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Daniel?- What?

0:09:43 > 0:09:47Come on, you live with one of the world's most argumentative women and you seem to do all right.

0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's years of dedicated practice, but...

0:09:49 > 0:09:51I would appreciate any tips.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54All right. You're overcomplicating it.

0:09:54 > 0:09:57OK, how do I not overcomplicate things?

0:09:57 > 0:10:00You have to make her believe that you are listening.

0:10:00 > 0:10:03Then you wait for the right moment, when her guard is down

0:10:03 > 0:10:04and she thinks she's won,

0:10:04 > 0:10:08then you quietly make your point and win her over.

0:10:08 > 0:10:10It's a waiting game.

0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Like chess?- Yep.

0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Or trout-tickling.- Is it?

0:10:14 > 0:10:17No, no, carry on, Daniel, I could do with your help.

0:10:17 > 0:10:20All right, you're going to need to be put through your paces.

0:10:20 > 0:10:23And you will need a sparring partner.

0:10:23 > 0:10:26Whoa! Role-play! Brilliant!

0:10:28 > 0:10:31Me? No, I...I couldn't play Ruhma!

0:10:33 > 0:10:36I really wish you'd listened to the whole story before you jumped in.

0:10:36 > 0:10:38- AS HESTON:- Sister Hanif, you are...

0:10:38 > 0:10:41No, no. Because he wouldn't call me that, would he?

0:10:41 > 0:10:44OK. Well, let's just not worry about names, let's just worry about content.

0:10:44 > 0:10:47Mrs Tembe. Dr Carter, your move.

0:10:47 > 0:10:48- AS HESTON:- Sister...

0:10:50 > 0:10:53You are a strong and intelligent woman.

0:10:53 > 0:10:59Perhaps we could discuss this over a nice cup of Lapsang Souchong?

0:10:59 > 0:11:02Er...the point is that if you had listened,

0:11:02 > 0:11:06you'd have understood the quality of the book is not the issue.

0:11:06 > 0:11:08- The issue is... - You need to interrupt her.

0:11:08 > 0:11:10But I do not want to be rude.

0:11:10 > 0:11:12- You're not you, you're Heston. - Dr Carter is never rude!

0:11:12 > 0:11:15Are we talking about the same person?

0:11:15 > 0:11:17You need to interrupt her, so go on!

0:11:17 > 0:11:22Right, the issue is that Helen clearly got something from that book that she found helpful.

0:11:22 > 0:11:24- AS HESTON:- Right, yes, you make a very good point here.

0:11:24 > 0:11:26What?! No!

0:11:26 > 0:11:30You are making a very good point and, er...I would like to apologise.

0:11:30 > 0:11:32Mrs Tembe, what are you doing?

0:11:32 > 0:11:33I am being Dr Carter, like you asked!

0:11:33 > 0:11:35But you're being too nice!

0:11:35 > 0:11:37Dr Carter is a nice man!

0:11:37 > 0:11:39- This is never going to work. - Well, I am sorry!

0:11:39 > 0:11:43I refuse to be a nasty version of Dr Carter if I do not believe it!

0:11:43 > 0:11:45All right, Mrs Tembe, you may stand down.

0:11:45 > 0:11:48You are relieved of being Dr Carter.

0:11:48 > 0:11:51Well, thank you. I was finding the whole thing very stressful.

0:11:51 > 0:11:52What are we going to do now?

0:11:52 > 0:11:55I suppose I'm going to have to do Dr Carter.

0:11:57 > 0:12:03Whilst I appreciate that your patient reported a positive outcome,

0:12:03 > 0:12:05that is in no way connected to

0:12:05 > 0:12:09the book's efficacy as a relation...

0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Are you listening to anything I'm saying?- AS RUHMA:- Of course, love.

0:12:12 > 0:12:14I hang on every word you say.

0:12:14 > 0:12:16But since neither of us have read that book,

0:12:16 > 0:12:19how can we make any comment on its efficacious nature?

0:12:19 > 0:12:21Al? What are you doing?

0:12:21 > 0:12:24- AS RUHMA:- I'm doing the Ruhma...Ruhma Hanif voice.

0:12:24 > 0:12:26- She doesn't sound like that. - She sounds like that.

0:12:26 > 0:12:28- AS RUHMA:- Al, can I have a cup of tea?

0:12:28 > 0:12:29She sounds much more...like this.

0:12:29 > 0:12:32- DEEP VOICE:- That...that...that's how she sounds.

0:12:32 > 0:12:33That's Mrs Tembe.

0:12:33 > 0:12:36- AS MRS TEMBE: - Dr Carter, what are you doing?

0:12:36 > 0:12:37Wait, wait, wait!

0:12:37 > 0:12:39Boys, um...can we get back on track?

0:12:39 > 0:12:41Fine, you do it.

0:12:41 > 0:12:43- No.- Come on, we've both done her.

0:12:45 > 0:12:48OK. All right. Um... Hm!

0:12:48 > 0:12:50AS RUHMA: You can't just dismiss a book like that.

0:12:50 > 0:12:53That's very good, but this is not really helping me.

0:12:53 > 0:12:54This isn't really my bag.

0:12:54 > 0:12:58I prefer fact-based arguments, I can't do emotional mind games.

0:12:58 > 0:13:00Can you do Ruhma?

0:13:00 > 0:13:02- OK, if that's what you want. - Without the voice.

0:13:02 > 0:13:05Absolutely. OK, fine, let's go.

0:13:05 > 0:13:09Um...I'm going to make a point and I want you to challenge me...

0:13:09 > 0:13:10Can we just get on with it?

0:13:10 > 0:13:12Without losing your temper. OK?

0:13:12 > 0:13:16- AS HESTON:- That is a textbook example of female nonsense!

0:13:16 > 0:13:18And what about men and their nonsense?

0:13:18 > 0:13:20Every war in history was started by a man.

0:13:20 > 0:13:22- AS HESTON: - What's that got to do with anything?

0:13:22 > 0:13:25We're not talking about war, we're talking about this...this ludicrous book...!

0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Will you just stop saying ludicrous?!- That's really good, but don't raise your voice.

0:13:29 > 0:13:33If you lose your temper, you lose the argument. It's a sign of weakness.

0:13:33 > 0:13:34Mrs Tembe?

0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Yes?- Thoughts?

0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, er... Yes, er...

0:13:42 > 0:13:45Well, I listened to what you have said

0:13:45 > 0:13:49in terms of the general conversation and I, er...

0:13:49 > 0:13:53Well, you are probably right, Dr Carmichael.

0:13:53 > 0:13:55See?

0:13:55 > 0:13:58OK. So I...I don't raise my voice.

0:13:58 > 0:14:01I stay calm, no matter what.

0:14:01 > 0:14:04And I give him enough rope to hang himself.

0:14:04 > 0:14:07And then I do Dr Carter.

0:14:09 > 0:14:11What if she doesn't have any weaknesses?

0:14:11 > 0:14:13Everyone's got weaknesses.

0:14:13 > 0:14:15It's just a question of you letting her think she's right

0:14:15 > 0:14:17until she reveals what hers are.

0:14:17 > 0:14:20OK. Try me again.

0:14:20 > 0:14:23OK. Hm!

0:14:23 > 0:14:26AS RUHMA: Men have to be seen to be right.

0:14:26 > 0:14:30That is simply not true, and I thought we said no voice?

0:14:30 > 0:14:32Don't change the subject.

0:14:32 > 0:14:34OK, fine. All right, um...

0:14:34 > 0:14:38You can't acknowledge when you're wrong because it makes you seem weak.

0:14:38 > 0:14:39That's complete nonsense!

0:14:39 > 0:14:42OK, don't raise your voice. The moment you do that, she's won.

0:14:42 > 0:14:46Let her be the one to lose her temper and then you win, right?

0:14:46 > 0:14:47Keep the high ground.

0:14:47 > 0:14:51- AS HESTON:- I...I absolutely don't accept what you're saying!

0:14:51 > 0:14:55I realise, Heston, that you find this new concept difficult to understand,

0:14:55 > 0:14:58which is completely unsurprising, since you are a man!

0:14:58 > 0:15:01Better! But be careful not to give him any ammunition, though.

0:15:01 > 0:15:04Cliches, generalisations, they are all grist to his mill.

0:15:04 > 0:15:07What mill? What's going on?

0:15:07 > 0:15:11Well, er... Well, Dr Carmichael was just offering

0:15:11 > 0:15:14the benefits of her experience of how to, um...

0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Bake better bread.- Mm.

0:15:16 > 0:15:17OK.

0:15:19 > 0:15:21You had better get those sandwiches to the boys.

0:15:21 > 0:15:23They'll be starving. They're in Heston's room.

0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Oh, OK. I guess I'll see you later, then.- Hm-hm!

0:15:28 > 0:15:30- OK, what is....?- Uh-huh!

0:15:33 > 0:15:36- OK, the coast is clear. - It's a great relief to us all(!)

0:15:36 > 0:15:39- You have to stop jumping in all the time.- Mansplaining.

0:15:39 > 0:15:41- That's not even a word.- See?

0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Sandwiches, boys. - Ooo, finally. I'm ravenous!

0:15:44 > 0:15:47Something very strange is going on in the staffroom.

0:15:47 > 0:15:48Tell us something we don't know.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50No, no, um...Zara was arguing with Ruhma.

0:15:50 > 0:15:53- About what? - Something to do with baking.

0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Women!- Except the funny thing was, Ruhma was calling Zara a man

0:15:57 > 0:15:59and saying that's why she didn't know anything about baking.

0:15:59 > 0:16:02Hey! They're role-playing, too!

0:16:02 > 0:16:04You're right.

0:16:04 > 0:16:06Don't be ridiculous! They've probably forgotten all about it.

0:16:06 > 0:16:10No. No, no. Zara's got her teeth into this one, there's no chance of that.

0:16:10 > 0:16:12Why don't I just apologise?

0:16:12 > 0:16:15Why would you do that? That's exactly what she wants you to do.

0:16:15 > 0:16:17I really don't care.

0:16:17 > 0:16:19No, no. You've got a chance of winning this one, OK?

0:16:19 > 0:16:20We need to know what they're planning.

0:16:20 > 0:16:23We need some insider info.

0:16:23 > 0:16:26How are you going to do that, send a spy into the staffroom?

0:16:33 > 0:16:34- ZARA AS HESTON: - I simply don't agree!

0:16:34 > 0:16:37RUHMA: Just because you don't agree with something, it doesn't...

0:16:37 > 0:16:39I'm sorry, I can't take it seriously.

0:16:39 > 0:16:42- MRS TEMBE:- Yeah, well, I'm not surprised!

0:16:42 > 0:16:45- AYESHA:- After this, arguing with the real thing is going to be a piece of...

0:16:45 > 0:16:48- ZARA:- OK, look, everyone, please let's just try and focus.

0:16:48 > 0:16:50- ZARA AS HESTON: - Ruhma, as I have said before,

0:16:50 > 0:16:52I simply think that you are misunderstanding me.

0:16:52 > 0:16:54RUHMA: And if you would just listen to me, Heston,

0:16:54 > 0:16:58when you speak over me, it's a real clear sign that you are wrong.

0:16:58 > 0:17:00- AYESHA:- Like that isn't going to wind him up much(!)

0:17:00 > 0:17:03- MRS TEMBE:- Nurse Lee is right. We have taken this far enough.

0:17:03 > 0:17:05Oi!

0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Hi!- What are you doing?

0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Well, I was just, um... - Right, that's it! Come on!

0:17:11 > 0:17:15- Did you lose something, gentlemen? - No comment.

0:17:15 > 0:17:16Worst spy ever.

0:17:16 > 0:17:19Heston, you and I need to have a chat, don't we?

0:17:19 > 0:17:21- OK, now's your chance. - Show her who's boss.

0:17:21 > 0:17:22- Heston!- Coming!

0:17:34 > 0:17:37- What happened?- I-I-I got caught.

0:17:38 > 0:17:40- (They're coming.)- Hm!

0:17:52 > 0:17:53I was practising on it.

0:18:00 > 0:18:02I look like a potato.

0:18:02 > 0:18:04It's not supposed to be accurate.

0:18:06 > 0:18:09Is there anything you want to say to me?

0:18:09 > 0:18:11I'm happy for you to go first.

0:18:11 > 0:18:13No, don't let her go first!

0:18:13 > 0:18:15- He's a fish in a barrel. - This is painful!

0:18:15 > 0:18:18..Hear me out earlier. Helen has had a very tough time,

0:18:18 > 0:18:21and this book, it's clearly helped their relationship.

0:18:21 > 0:18:23I thought you'd be at least interested...

0:18:23 > 0:18:26- I appreciate that, but... - Can I just finish, please?

0:18:29 > 0:18:32You seemed to have taken it as a personal affront that a book even exists

0:18:32 > 0:18:34suggesting men are somehow different to women.

0:18:34 > 0:18:37That's not what I said!

0:18:37 > 0:18:40Heston, you invited me to speak first.

0:18:40 > 0:18:41Do you want to change your mind?

0:18:43 > 0:18:45Go ahead.

0:18:47 > 0:18:50In this one lunch break, you've displayed all the characteristics

0:18:50 > 0:18:54this book describes, proving that what it's got to say is correct.

0:18:54 > 0:18:57- I haven't.- You've been afraid of challenge and change.- I am not.

0:18:57 > 0:19:00You've been too scared to admit your own vulnerabilities.

0:19:00 > 0:19:03And, yet again, unable to accept that you are wrong.

0:19:03 > 0:19:05But I'm not wrong! I am right!

0:19:05 > 0:19:09And this whole argument proves my point!

0:19:09 > 0:19:12- You're doing it again.- Sue me! Because I am right, Ruhma!

0:19:12 > 0:19:15Because of this stupid book, you have spent the day

0:19:15 > 0:19:19arguing with my picture on a chocolate cupcake!

0:19:19 > 0:19:21- It's a tiramisu. - The flavour's irrelevant!

0:19:21 > 0:19:24Right, that is it, I am going in there.

0:19:24 > 0:19:25No, Dr Carmichael!

0:19:25 > 0:19:27This is not your fight.

0:19:27 > 0:19:30A chocolate tiramisu cupcake versus a sandwich.

0:19:30 > 0:19:32Right, that evens it up.

0:19:32 > 0:19:34Everybody, place your bets! Who's going to win?

0:19:34 > 0:19:37You've just put my face on a bacon sandwich.

0:19:40 > 0:19:42I am not falling for that mock-offended...

0:19:42 > 0:19:45It could just have easily been egg and cress, the point still stands!

0:19:45 > 0:19:47As does mine.

0:19:47 > 0:19:50I suggest that we agree that you were wrong, which you are,

0:19:50 > 0:19:53and we move on like rational, sensible adults.

0:19:53 > 0:19:55What do you say?

0:19:56 > 0:19:58So, that didn't go so well?

0:19:58 > 0:20:00What makes you think that?

0:20:00 > 0:20:04Well, there was all that shouting and petulance for a start.

0:20:04 > 0:20:06Yeah, but every crisis is an opportunity

0:20:06 > 0:20:09so why don't we review the failure and learn from it?

0:20:09 > 0:20:13OK. Next time I won't give her any more ammunition

0:20:13 > 0:20:17by losing my temper and putting her photo on a bacon sandwich.

0:20:17 > 0:20:19Is that enough "learning" for you?

0:20:19 > 0:20:21I appreciate you're upset...

0:20:21 > 0:20:26I'm not upset. I'm mortified that I let myself down.

0:20:26 > 0:20:29Yes, you did. And, quite frankly, you let the team down.

0:20:29 > 0:20:31No, I don't think you've let anyone down.

0:20:31 > 0:20:34I just think this is a stupid argument that's got way out of hand

0:20:34 > 0:20:37and you should probably just apologise and move on.

0:20:37 > 0:20:40Whoa, hold your horses. Who said anything about apologising?

0:20:40 > 0:20:44No, no. We know their tactics now. I bet you the next time you'll win.

0:20:44 > 0:20:47I don't care. There's less than an hour's lunch left.

0:20:47 > 0:20:50Sid is right. I'm going to go and apologise.

0:20:50 > 0:20:53No, no, no, I'm afraid we can't let you do that, sunshine.

0:20:53 > 0:20:57No, no. This isn't about you and Ruhma any more.

0:20:57 > 0:20:59You're arguing for men everywhere.

0:21:01 > 0:21:04Now, you're going to go back in there and you're going to win.

0:21:04 > 0:21:07But we're not going to send you back in there empty-handed.

0:21:07 > 0:21:09We're going to get you some inside information.

0:21:09 > 0:21:11OK?

0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, no, no, not again. No.

0:21:13 > 0:21:16Yeah, Sid. We need some information from that book.

0:21:16 > 0:21:18Forget about it! I'm not going back in there.

0:21:21 > 0:21:22Me?

0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Yeah, you.- No, I...

0:21:24 > 0:21:26I couldn't possibly do that.

0:21:26 > 0:21:29I so wish I could have seen his face.

0:21:29 > 0:21:32Well, I must say I did feel sorry for Dr Carter.

0:21:32 > 0:21:33He brought it on himself.

0:21:33 > 0:21:38No. You're right, Mrs Tembe. I went too far with the bacon sandwich.

0:21:38 > 0:21:39You didn't start it.

0:21:39 > 0:21:43No, but I'm going to finish it. I'm going to go and apologise.

0:21:43 > 0:21:44Finally!

0:21:44 > 0:21:47If you do that, you will simply perpetuate the idea

0:21:47 > 0:21:49that women are the weaker sex.

0:21:49 > 0:21:52Dr Carmichael, do you not think you are overreacting?

0:21:52 > 0:21:53Just for a change.

0:21:53 > 0:21:55It's over, Zara.

0:21:55 > 0:21:57I cannot believe you're going to apologise.

0:21:57 > 0:21:59After all the hard work we've done,

0:21:59 > 0:22:02- you're just going to roll over and let Daniel win!- Heston.

0:22:03 > 0:22:06Heston. Whatever.

0:22:07 > 0:22:09Well, I want no part of this.

0:22:09 > 0:22:13You can apologise for all I care. Good luck with your loser afternoon.

0:22:13 > 0:22:14Zara...

0:22:14 > 0:22:18There you go. Sanity finally restored. Took long enough.

0:22:21 > 0:22:24- I thought you were going to apologise.- Yeah, I will in a bit.

0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm going to just let him sweat it out a bit longer.

0:22:27 > 0:22:30We'll have a nice cup of tea before I make the peace.

0:22:30 > 0:22:31Well...

0:22:31 > 0:22:34- I think you are doing the right thing.- Thank you.

0:22:34 > 0:22:37I am very proud of you, Sister Hanif.

0:22:37 > 0:22:40It feels good, you know? Being the bigger person.

0:22:40 > 0:22:43Let bygones be bygones. Take the higher ground...

0:22:43 > 0:22:44What the...

0:22:46 > 0:22:48This isn't what it looks like.

0:22:51 > 0:22:53Something's wrong. It shouldn't be taking this long.

0:22:53 > 0:22:57Maybe he's being cautious. After all, he doesn't want to get caught.

0:22:57 > 0:22:59All right, don't rub it in.

0:23:00 > 0:23:02Oh! Thank goodness.

0:23:02 > 0:23:04We thought, um...

0:23:04 > 0:23:06You got caught, didn't you?

0:23:06 > 0:23:10Sister Hanif requests the pleasure of your company on the patio.

0:23:10 > 0:23:11Requests?

0:23:11 > 0:23:13More like demands.

0:23:13 > 0:23:17OK. It's the moment of truth, Heston. Third time's a charm.

0:23:17 > 0:23:19We're all counting on you, OK?

0:23:21 > 0:23:22OK.

0:23:29 > 0:23:30I'm confused.

0:23:32 > 0:23:33So am I.

0:23:35 > 0:23:40I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you or not listen to you...

0:23:41 > 0:23:43..or anything.

0:23:43 > 0:23:46I know. I'm sorry too.

0:23:47 > 0:23:50I have to get better at this...arguing.

0:23:50 > 0:23:54We both do. It's not just you who finds it hard.

0:23:54 > 0:23:55Just because I disagree with you,

0:23:55 > 0:23:59it doesn't mean that I don't love you or respect you.

0:23:59 > 0:24:00Snap.

0:24:02 > 0:24:05I promise I will try and get better at it.

0:24:06 > 0:24:09That's not good enough.

0:24:09 > 0:24:10What do you mean?

0:24:10 > 0:24:12You can't promise to try.

0:24:12 > 0:24:14You might as well promise to fail.

0:24:14 > 0:24:18All right, I promise I will get better at it.

0:24:18 > 0:24:19So do I.

0:24:22 > 0:24:25I didn't know you kept a picture of me in your wallet.

0:24:25 > 0:24:27Always useful for putting on a bacon sandwich.

0:24:31 > 0:24:34Aren't we missing something?

0:24:34 > 0:24:35I don't know. Are we?

0:24:35 > 0:24:39Well, if this is us kissing and making up...

0:24:39 > 0:24:40shouldn't we...?

0:24:43 > 0:24:45KNOCK ON THE WINDOW

0:24:46 > 0:24:49You know, I can't help feeling

0:24:49 > 0:24:52we would have got through this much sooner...

0:24:52 > 0:24:55..if we didn't have a little help from our friends?

0:24:55 > 0:24:57I think you're right.

0:24:58 > 0:25:01That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.

0:25:01 > 0:25:02What is?

0:25:02 > 0:25:05That I'm right. Can I have it in writing?

0:25:12 > 0:25:13All this trouble for a stupid book.

0:25:13 > 0:25:15How do you know it's stupid? Have you read it?

0:25:15 > 0:25:18- I don't need to...- Oh, please. Please do not start this again.

0:25:18 > 0:25:21Can't we all just agree to disagree?

0:25:21 > 0:25:23Not when we're right and you're wrong. Which, by the way, is always.

0:25:23 > 0:25:26That's the trouble. You tar us all with the same brush,

0:25:26 > 0:25:28- just like the book. - Well, there can be no argument

0:25:28 > 0:25:30about who did the best impersonation of Ruhma.

0:25:30 > 0:25:33Mine was absolutely inspired.

0:25:33 > 0:25:34Yeah, by Monty Python.

0:25:34 > 0:25:36Which is why I had to take over.

0:25:36 > 0:25:39All right, Ronni Ancona, let's hear yours.

0:25:39 > 0:25:40I've got to hear this!

0:25:40 > 0:25:43No. No. We have to get back to work in a few minutes.

0:25:43 > 0:25:45I want to put this whole lunch break behind us.

0:25:45 > 0:25:49The whole thing has been a spectacular waste of my time and energy.

0:25:49 > 0:25:50I wouldn't say that.

0:25:50 > 0:25:52We found it very useful, didn't we?

0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Invaluable.- That's because you had the best coach.

0:25:55 > 0:25:57No, let's put that to bed right now.

0:25:57 > 0:26:00Ruhma had the best coach and I did the best impersonation hands down.

0:26:00 > 0:26:03I never cease to be amazed by the scale of your sheer conceit.

0:26:03 > 0:26:06The scale of my sheer conceit? Are you kidding me?

0:26:06 > 0:26:07Are you kidding me, Dr Vain?

0:26:07 > 0:26:09Are we seriously doing this again?

0:26:09 > 0:26:11I wouldn't get involved.

0:26:11 > 0:26:14Oh, what's up Sid? Have you finally developed a backbone?

0:26:14 > 0:26:16Who rattled your cage? What have I said?

0:26:16 > 0:26:18I could try making another reservation but

0:26:18 > 0:26:19I think it'll be quite some time.

0:26:19 > 0:26:23I can't wait. I hear they do a spectacular Eggs Benedict.

0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Oh, is that wise?- Well, it might help another couple.

0:26:29 > 0:26:31You know, I think you might be right.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33I know that I am.

0:26:33 > 0:26:35- ZARA:- Just you say that again, Daniel Granger!

0:26:35 > 0:26:37- DANIEL:- I will if you stop shrieking at me!

0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Oh, undercutting me with a whisper? - (Let's go.)

0:26:39 > 0:26:41Just you say that again, Daniel!

0:26:53 > 0:26:55So you condone what he's done?

0:26:55 > 0:26:57No, not the act. No, I don't.

0:26:57 > 0:26:58But you think it's fine

0:26:58 > 0:27:01for him to go on working with and teaching women?

0:27:01 > 0:27:06I can't help wondering, though, what the baby would have been like.

0:27:06 > 0:27:09What it would have been like, maybe bringing them here.

0:27:09 > 0:27:12And what is so wrong with Christian virtues?

0:27:12 > 0:27:14You think it's an exclusively Christian thing?

0:27:14 > 0:27:15No, I do not!