0:00:33 > 0:00:34CAR HORN
0:00:35 > 0:00:37SHE EXHALES
0:00:39 > 0:00:41CAR HORN Just a sec!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48One day at a time.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Hiya! Busy morning?- You know I have.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Don't believe in easing people gently back into the workplace, do you?
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Well, don't pretend that you don't know you're Mr Popular.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Half those visits were just people waiting for you to come back.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Really?- "Dr Clay understands me."
0:01:10 > 0:01:13"Dr Clay's got very soft hands."
0:01:13 > 0:01:16OK, moving swiftly on, is Emma here today, or is she over at the campus?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Neither. She phoned in sick. - Oh, right. OK.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Home is the traveller.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Jimmi, welcome back!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Really good to see you, mate. - Yeah. Hi.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30You look well! How was Thailand?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Um...yeah, it was a real steep learning curve.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I will be interested to hear all about it. How about lunch on me?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You can tell me all about the spiritual side of your journey.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39OK. As long as you promise to tell me about the camping trip.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Well, it would have been more fun if we'd been able to prise Joe from his tablet.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46We are trying to move away from technology.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49That's why I'm thinking of bringing mindfulness into the equation.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- For Joe?- Yeah. For everything.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54That's why I'd be interested to hear your take on it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I've got to dash, but coffee before afternoon surgery?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57See you later.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Did Zara just hug me?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07I should be done by 4.00. If I'm held up, I'll text.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13What?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Mindfulness?- Yes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I've been reading up on it recently.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Some of the research is quite compelling.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22You do realise you'll have to make an emotional investment in your patients?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Fully aware.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Like, actually listen to them.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Undivided, sympathetic attention.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32And you think I'm incapable of that because...?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33OK. You're serious.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- I'll see you tonight. - I hope it goes well.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It's only routine, nothing sinister.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Maybe I should get my hearing checked, for all the listening(!)
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- KNOCK AT DOOR - Yep?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Hi. I just wanted to welcome you back.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Good to be back.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54So, how was it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56It was worth every minute.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58So, um... I was wondering, um...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00the whole mind-over-matter part of Buddhism...?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Here we go. Go on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Any tips on how it can help with self-confidence?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Just be yourself.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Really? - Straight from Buddha's mouth.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Look, I've only been on a course for a few weeks,
0:03:10 > 0:03:11I'm hardly the font of all knowledge, am I?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I suppose not. Sorry.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Give me chance to find my feet and we'll have a chat, yeah?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18What, a chat or a chant(?)
0:03:18 > 0:03:20SID LAUGHS
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Yeah. Sounds great, Jimmi. Cheers.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Um...you any idea what's going on with Emma?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28No, sorry. I was at my parents' at the weekend.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Ayesha mentioned something about flu, I think.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32All right. Thanks.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Afternoon.- Right, so I'm here, cap in hand, without a leg to stand on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43My behaviour the other night... I'm a douche.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47That was something that was waiting to happen, wasn't it? So it's forgotten.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49No, it's not forgotten until I give a proper apology.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Accepted.- Really? That easy?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Yep.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Um...in with anger, out with love.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- I'm chanting as we speak.- Ha!
0:04:04 > 0:04:05- Hello.- Zara Carmichael, 3.00.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Thank you.- Would you like to take a seat, please?- Thanks.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12But this is why follow-up appointments are vital.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13- I know. - Just because it got caught early...
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Doesn't mean that's the end of it, yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Can we just take a break?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25It's been eat, sleep, think breast cancer for the last year.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27All right. End of.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31No more on the subject until we're in there.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Checkup?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35I'm sorry?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You seem quite young for routine checks.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Unless... Oh.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Prevention is better than cure.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Sorry! Huh! Nosy.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It gets to the point where it becomes all shared experience.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Thea. Vince.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53We've learned to develop a united front kind of thing.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I understand.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You read everything on the subject,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00but you still hope you can find out more from pooled knowledge.
0:05:00 > 0:05:06I have become an expert at asking questions, and getting answers.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08And has it gone well?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Early diagnosis, which you learn is the best-case scenario.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Absolutely.- Mm. And the treatment...
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Well...- Who knew vomit could have so many different forms of consistency?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, you were prescribed an anti-emetic, though?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24More drugs.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Drugs which helped.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Hoping we're on the home stretch now.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31That's good. No sign of secondary...?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Metastases? It's OK, we know what the word means.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Oh, absolutely, of course. A lot of people wouldn't.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38You know it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39I'm a doctor.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Really? Do you see a lot of cancer patients?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Well... - What's your view, as an observer?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50It...is not just the physical impact,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52it's the emotional and psychological, as well.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57But, as you said yourself, finding the right support can make all the difference.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Miss Carmichael?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Hm! Excuse me.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11See? Finding the right support. What have I said?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LOUD DRILLING
0:06:32 > 0:06:34SHE GROANS
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Where are you going?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Pee. That OK?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43They're going to call us in any minute.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47TEXT ALERT
0:06:50 > 0:06:52SHE CHUCKLES
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Ha-ha, Granger. Smutty boy!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05The technician was the same woman it always is.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09And it's a black one, by the way. New, with purple lace.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I might let you see it later.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14But then again, I might not. Bye!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- What the hell?! - Please! I'm not weird or anything!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- I just wanted to talk to you. - Get out!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Listen a sec. I thought you'd understand, being a doctor.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Understand what?!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33That you've just abandoned your wife to face whatever the consultant is going to tell her all on her own?!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- She'll be fine. - How can you say that?!
0:07:35 > 0:07:40How cold and selfish do you need to be to run out at a time like this?!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Do you have you any idea how emotional having breast cancer can be?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46More than you know.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49She's not the one who had it, I am.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Where are you?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09They're going to call us in any minute. Get back here!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I know it's cowardly.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Cowards get cancer like everyone else, though.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21You shouldn't look at it that way.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22It's taken over my whole life.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Everyone's so understanding.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Time off work, private health care through Thea's company insurance.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You say that like it's a bad thing.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35The results are good.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I'm cancer-free.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38But...
0:08:40 > 0:08:41There's always a "but".
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Which is?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It's all been kind of...
0:08:50 > 0:08:54When you step into a fog, you know where you are, but you don't.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Like you're being erased, or...or replaced.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Replaced?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01By someone who has no choice but to deal with it!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Sometimes all I've wanted to do is just step outside my life for a bit.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Escape.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12That's what you're heading towards, isn't it?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Successful operation, end of treatment.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Getting your life back.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20But they don't, do they?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Your hair grows back, your scars fade, but...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28..you're not you.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I sympathise, I really do.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35But you need to go back in there,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37go to your appointment
0:09:37 > 0:09:39and tell all of this to Thea.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Right, fine.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Because she's been such a good listener(!)
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Vince?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52SHE SIGHS
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Mrs Ridley?- Oh, Mrs Kewn.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Sorry...he went to the bathroom and now he's...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- I'm not sure.- Not sure?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I think he was a bit on edge about today.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15OK. Well...
0:10:17 > 0:10:21I can move the appointment back by 45 minutes?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Thank you! Thank you so much!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26I really don't know what this is about.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I don't need baby-sitting.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I shouldn't have bothered you.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43Look, I appreciate you wanting to abdicate responsibility.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Why don't you tell me about that?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Thea went into battle mode.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Downloaded case studies, statistics, healthy eating.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Focus on the good bits, count yourself lucky.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And...?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08It's someone else's words and experience.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10One size fits all.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15I understand you wanting to wish yourself back to a time before your diagnosis,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18but that's not going to happen.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19I know.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Would you stop for a moment?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Has anyone discussed mindfulness with you?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31No.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Well, it might help.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37There's a certain technique, it's very simple.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LOUD DRILLING
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Chris, it's me.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Oh, I'm sorry, I... I hadn't worked out the time difference.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I don't know whether you're sleeping or you're at work. I'm sorry.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I was just ringing for a chat, really.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15See how you are.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Anyway...give me a call.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Bye!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28LOUD DRILLING
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You not hungry? Go on, have a chip.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41I'm fine. Thanks.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Proper savoury tartar sauce.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Real chips, not them skinny jobs.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- HE CHUCKLES - Brilliant!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I went through periods where everything tasted like cardboard.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Not uncommon.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Thea monitors everything I eat.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02First meal I've had in ages that didn't come with the words
0:13:02 > 0:13:05"macrobiotic" or "carcinogenic" attached to the conversation.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Hm! Have you had much loss of appetite?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11You can take a break from being the doctor.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12This is so good!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I hate to be that person, but you might want to go easy.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Such a heavy meal might be a mistake if you're not used to it.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24HE VOMITS
0:13:24 > 0:13:25ZARA SIGHS
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Now, that's a proper pavement pizza.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I'm loathe to say I told you so.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It's the real stuff, not that chemo vomit.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Taking pleasure in small things.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51That's what mindfulness teaches.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Sounds a bit naff.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57What, and appreciating your own vomit isn't?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Is it just that men don't like to talk about these things?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02They don't like sharing?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No-one does.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07You must've had patients clamming up about it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Or the people around them.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Half the time, they don't know what to say.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16What do you say to them?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Thea handles that.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21She's the official PR.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"Oh, he's all right. He's really, really OK."
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"Oh, he's so brave!"
0:14:28 > 0:14:29But I'm not.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34She decided I was.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- I see.- I don't even have breast cancer, according to her.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It's just cancer.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It's not a good image.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44So you leave people to draw their own conclusions.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47It's easy enough.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You see them thinking prostate or testicular.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Or worse.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59So, something more acceptable? More manly?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Yeah.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Do you feel emasculated?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06She asked me that.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Right before she booked an appointment for the sperm bank
0:15:08 > 0:15:11just in case the treatment left me firing blanks.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14And what did you tell her?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17How do you answer a question like that?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Your wife, with a pink ribbon for breast-cancer awareness,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23asking if you feel less of a man.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Breaking out of this pattern,
0:15:26 > 0:15:31this way of thinking, would be a real step forward.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Why don't you give it a try?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I mean, as indiscretions go, it was strictly internal.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Mrs Tembe's reaction to it was completely over the top.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- I'm surprised...- I know.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I was humiliated and undermined for the most trivial reasons.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Can I finish?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I'm surprised that you haven't realised how serious this is.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Sorry?- Mrs Tembe did everything by the book.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I see.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01If, by that, you're implying that after years of working in the medical profession,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I don't understand the protocol of confidentiality, then...
0:16:04 > 0:16:08In our jobs, there are so many areas concerned with that,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and I've no doubt that you can be trusted with most.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Most?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Valerie, it seems to me that you are well-versed
0:16:15 > 0:16:17in the legal grey areas that we all face...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21So, what, in your opinion, am I doing so wrong?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It would be unethical for me to say anything in his absence.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31You know I have made all the big decisions since this started.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Maybe that's the point.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Perhaps he sees the burden you're carrying
0:16:35 > 0:16:37and doesn't want to add to it any further.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Yeah. Because running off really lightens the load(!)
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You'll have to ask him why he did it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48He will talk to Macmillan nurses until the cows come home.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Laugh...joke.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54But me, I...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I'm left second-guessing, deciding.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I think you're doing very well.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Some patients don't cope, or just give up.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Do you think Vince would do that without you?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12I don't know.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And I am close to not caring.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Focusing on things which you wouldn't normally notice.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And this helps because...?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Well, you're developing a more positive mind-body balance.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34It's going to be a hard sell to Thea, after all that research.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38You give the impression that you're fighting her
0:17:38 > 0:17:40as much as you are the illness.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44That's a hell of a battle.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I'm beginning to understand why you ran away.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Interpersonal boundaries?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53What does that even mean?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57It covers the day-to-day things that we all have to negotiate at work.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01You mean...? Is this me talking about my cancer?
0:18:01 > 0:18:02No, but as an example,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05you would have to respect the privacy of a colleague
0:18:05 > 0:18:08who chose not to share that information under the same circumstances.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, course I would...if I knew about it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Of course, if they kept it to themselves, I might not.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Of course, of course.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17All right, let's try another example.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Um... Would you tell Karen about a row you'd had with your boyfriend?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I haven't got a boyfriend.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24If you had a boyfriend.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Well, Karen's a friend, as well as a colleague.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Right, OK. And if you heard gossip about somebody else's boyfriend,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31would you share that with her?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well...no.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Because that would be crossing the line, wouldn't it?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Look, if this is about Sid... - Of course it's about Sid.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You told him things that you'd heard in confidence.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Yes, but they were about him. Surely he had a right to know?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Anyway, I didn't tell him any facts. - Which made it worse.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53You told him he was being spoken about in the partners' meeting, but not why.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55And your gossip quickly became an issue.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Quite frankly, Valerie, if you don't understand the consequences of that,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01we'll have to consider if working here is right for you.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Only six missed calls and one text message.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09She's gone home.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11You don't say(!)
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Well, that's a lecture waiting to happen.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15How irresponsible am I?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Smacked bum, stand in the corner.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Look, perhaps don't take the lecture.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Maybe talk to her, have a proper adult conversation
0:19:25 > 0:19:27about the things you've told me.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Adult conversation?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You know, there's one thing this diagnosis has really made me see.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37We don't grow up.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39We pretend we're adults, but...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42..only because it's expected.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45So, that's what this afternoon's been about?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Fish and chips, playing, running away.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I've never had to pretend to be grown up more than I have since all this started.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59And it's the time where I've most wanted to...shake it off.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Not be an adult.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Why?- I don't know.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Because adults die?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11When you're a kid, you're so far away from that.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17OK, well, there's being childish
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and there's being child-like.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22And there's being yourself.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Who's that?
0:20:28 > 0:20:33My advice is...don't sweat the small stuff.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38What it is to be grown up.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40What it is to be a man.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I've seen cancer rob people of what it is to be human.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49What it is to be themselves.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Am I close to that, in your opinion?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Not even.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You are right about something.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05The fog.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I understand that.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14So...mindfulness.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Well, you would be the ideal candidate.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Although I think the blade of grass was a bit of a mistake.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- THEY LAUGH - Maybe.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Any chance of a lift home?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Mindful observation of your driving skills.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Come on.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Where the hell have you been?! I have worried myself...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Oh!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Hello again.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I needed time to think.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52And Zara - Dr Carmichael - helped.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54After I gave her no choice.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56What does that mean?!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Actually, I don't care.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Today has been one more day
0:22:01 > 0:22:04where I have been to hell and back over this.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Lucky you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10What?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Hell is probably a kinder place to end up than heaven.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Have you been drinking?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Hell has lower expectations of us.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18It knows we're not perfect.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I think you should hear him out.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Riding out my feelings, staying on top.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Being positive and brave.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41These are all heavenly ideals.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45And I've hated them most of the time.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Rubbish!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51All you have had to do is keep a grip on things
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and take your medication.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56No. No, there's more to it than that.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Like what?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The emotional impact it's had on Vince.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04The feelings of abandonment, of emasculation.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06You're a doctor!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11You should understand the importance of a treatment regime.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13The right course of action for his prognosis.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Vince has been coming to an understanding
0:23:16 > 0:23:17of the impact of his condition.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Well, thank you for your limp contribution
0:23:21 > 0:23:23and for indulging his behaviour.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Will you just listen for once?!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28He's trying to see the positive in everything.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Zara's been trying to teach me about mindfulness.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Oh! Wonderful(!)
0:23:37 > 0:23:39You can make all the decisions, then,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41since he won't see his oncologist, or bother with me.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43No!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Zara's really helped me out this afternoon, and I'm grateful.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52But I make my own decisions now.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54No-one else.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Come on.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Emma?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- She's not in there. - No? She's not in the kitchen.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Her car's here. Emma?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Emma?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Emma?
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Emma, are you OK?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Emma? Emma! Emma!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Jimmi, what's wrong with her?! - Let me see, let me see.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Emma! Right, what have you taken?!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Ooo! Grief! - HE CHUCKLES
0:24:36 > 0:24:38You've wasted an entire afternoon!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42The clinic's just over there. Why not...?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It'll still be there tomorrow.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48One of us has got to be grown up about this.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Take some responsibility for your life.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Responsible, maybe.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Grown up?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Never again!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Why?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Tell me, because I don't get it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09You do look a bit...
0:25:12 > 0:25:13..less stressed, though.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19That might be the fish and chips I had earlier.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You're kidding?! After all the advice...!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Your choice.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33THEY LAUGH
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Come on, I'll race you to the swings.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- What?- Come on!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Have you taken anything else?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Don't be stupid. I wasn't trying to end it all.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49What, then?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52The fog.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54The fog?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Look, can you go now?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58No. It doesn't work like that!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Come on, Emma, what were you trying to achieve?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I just wanted to stop feeling, that's all.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Sam.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Howard.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Chris leaving.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21The baby dying.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Baby Nicolas.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31The needle stick, I...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I'm so tired.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, look, I'm going to have to let the practice know
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- and the other partners will need to be informed.- What? No! Don't!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- What for?- Because she needs a psych evaluation.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45We don't know that she's fit to treat patients.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Don't you see? It's not about other people.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52I had a patient.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56He said he was on so much medication...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01..he felt like he was living life through a fog.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06That's what I want.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Not death.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Just oblivion.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Jimmi won't say anything.- Won't he?!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29He is a partner, so surely he'll have to tell the others, won't he?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Guys, could we talk later?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Is there a problem, Dr Clay?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35She's the spit of someone I used to hang out with.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- EMMA:- You really don't have to make this official.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41You don't have to tell anybody.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Would you look at you!
0:27:43 > 0:27:44I thought you were dead.