0:00:00 > 0:00:00- *
0:00:02 > 0:00:02- OK?
0:00:02 > 0:00:04- OK?- - Ready? Action.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- Hello. Welcome to the programme. - I'm Dewi.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- The first thing I have to do... - What do you want, Huw?
0:00:13 > 0:00:14- Have you got a fork?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- Have you got a fork?- - It's on the floor by the greenhouse.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19- What are you doing?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- What are you doing?- - I'm doing a piece to camera.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26- It's a recap for viewers - who didn't watch last week.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28- Can't they watch it on Clic?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29- Can't they watch it on Clic?- - I don't know.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- That's what we're doing. - We're running out of time.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- Don't let me slow you down.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37- Don't let me slow you down.- - Thanks, Huw.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42- Sorry about that, Wyn. Do you - want me to carry on? Where was I?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43- Wedding.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48- Lowri and I got married on - the 11th of September 2001.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- The day was a complete disaster, - as you can imagine.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Everything went wrong that day.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- The ceremony was moved - from Saturday to Tuesday.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- It didn't start well.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- I had a fight with Pobol Y Cwm.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Lowri spent most of the day - in tears. And then...
0:01:08 > 0:01:09- What do you want?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- What do you want?- - Have you got a proper fork?
0:01:11 > 0:01:12- What for?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- What for?- - I want to dig.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Use the big fork - that's sticking up in the lawn.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- I see it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- I see it.- - It looks like a fork.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22- It's going to rain.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- It's going to rain.- - I know.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- The next two years flew by.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- We had little Heti, - a very proud moment for me.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- From that moment on, - I was rushed off my feet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- I started my own gardening business - as a sideline.
0:01:39 > 0:01:45- And I still had - a 200-acre dairy farm to run.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- There was plenty to do - and plenty to see.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- I filmed it all on my camera.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- This is my life. - This is my programme.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- This is Dyddiadur Dews.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01- What do you want?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- What do you want?- - The fork is fucked.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04- What have you done to it?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- What have you done to it?- - There were stones there.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Don't dig the rockery, mun!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- There are meant to be stones in it, - it's a rockery!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- CHAPTER 2, THE PITCH, MARCH 2003
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Here we are.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- What do you want? Why you film me?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Sorry. I'm looking for Gwyndaf - Evans, the television company.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- I don't watch TV. - British TV is shit.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- I listen to Polish radio. Piss off!
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- It's alright, love. - Hitler's on telly.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Hello, Dewi here. - You did my wedding for me.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Dewi! Of course! How are you?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06- Very well, thank you.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Very well, thank you.- - It's good to see you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- How's Mrs Hywel? Do we hear - the pitter-patter of tiny feet?
0:03:12 > 0:03:17- Yes, actually. That's why I came - round. You gave me this camera.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Dewi! How are you?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Oh, sorry. Hello, Gwyndaf.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- What can I do for you?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- I wanted to ask - if you still do the editing.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- My little girl - is having her first birthday.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- I want to make a film - with the video tape that I've got.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- No problem. Come in. - Bring him down, Lilly.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Good! Thanks, Gwyndaf.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Come on in.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Through here?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Where do you think you're going, - Johnny Rambo?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56- Scottish Alan, this is Dewi.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Scottish Alan, this is Dewi.- - He looks like a ******.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- What's with the gun, mate?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Scottish Alan, - this is your landlord.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Die you, now.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Sorry about him. He's Scottish. - Come with me.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Sorry about that, Mr Landlord. - I get a wee bit over-excited.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21- I'm watching you.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- In my defence, your majesty, - it's an easy mistake to make.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- Yer man doesn't look like - one of your normal punters, does he?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- You're restricted to 80 shilling - until one o'clock. I'm watching you.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- Like I said, it's an easy mistake - to make. I'm sorry.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56- Hello.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- How are you, Dews? - What happened to you?
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- The children were fucking around. - I went over the BMX handlebars.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Did you film it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:09- Did you film it?- - Yes. I film everything now.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Let's have a look.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Keto, turn it off.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Hang on.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Cockin' Christ. Which one is it?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Cockin' Christ. Which one is it?- - It's one of these.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34- Huwi Bach.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- Huwi Bach.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Huwi Bach.- - Video Diary.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Can you not log them, Dewi? Label - them, write on them, with a pen.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47- Huwi did that.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Dews's cock?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Give it to me.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56- Give me that.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- We'll call this Tape One.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- OK, Tape One. Good plan.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- SHOOTING CANS WITH DEWS
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- I've set the cans up.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- The boys are going - to shoot them down.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Off you go, shoot.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Good shot, Celt.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Pull the trigger - when you see anything.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- Unlucky. You almost had it. - Gentle squeeze. Don't pull it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- It's the same theory - as milking a cow.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53- Ceasefire.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- The safety isn't on.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Fucking hell!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- What did I say? Was that you, Celt?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Sorry.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- Let me set them up and then - you can shoot. Put those guns down!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- You think that's funny?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- You think that's funny?- - Yes.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31- You think that's funny?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- You think that's funny?- - Yes.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35- Right, indoors.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- In you go. Put it down.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- I'm fucking warning you.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Del's losing his temper now.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- THE LITTLE BROTHER...
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Hello. My name is Mabli. Wait there.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Out of here now.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Del, look at the bunnies. - All face the camera.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Fuck. Pastie, no.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Do you know the bunnies?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- Do you know the bunnies?- - My bunnies?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- I haven't been there.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Don't fucking lie. I saw you there.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- SCREAMS
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- DEWS'S BMX STUNT
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- It doesn't go here.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- These old technologies and toys...
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- ..it doesn't work in Garnfach, - it rusts.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- If it's plastic - it's gone in no time.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- They creep in, see them there?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Get out, you fucker.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Right. I'm ready to go.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- We've set up a ramp.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- That's been checked.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- I wanted to jump over - the children but they weren't keen.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- I'll do a dry run first.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Are you listening? - Keep this area clear.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- I'd say he's had it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Guaranteed.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Say, "Yes, Dews".
0:09:37 > 0:09:38- "Yes, Dews".
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Run after him.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- It's not safe to stand there.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Come here. Go and get him.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- I could put him - on the quick booster.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Put a wire on him - and give him a shock.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Tie up him over there.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Tie him up with that string.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Fucking zoom on.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Right, OK?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Shout if something's coming.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- OK!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Who's there now?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29- BLEEP
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Come on.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- It doesn't look too good for him.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- See his little feet? Poor thing.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- I'd say he's had it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Shit!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01- Oh, for ***** sake!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03- You stupid arse.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05- BLEEPS
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- What's the first rule? Check - there's enough battery and tape.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12- I'm sorry.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17- The next time the kids try to kill - me I'll try not to run out of tape.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Give me strength. What?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- Oh, yes! I forgot to say. - Good news for you, Dews.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- I sent a few clips - to Teledu Tirlun. I know the MD.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Bloody hell! Why did you do that?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Bloody hell! Why did you do that?- - He loves it, Dews.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- He wants us to pitch - an idea on April 1st.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38- No way.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- No way.- - Yes way.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- No way.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Does that mean we'll be on telly?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- We'll be like Herzog and Kinski, - like Godard and Karina.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- The Torvill and Dean of television.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- You don't know - who I'm talking about.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- I know who Torvill and Dean are.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- I know who Torvill and Dean are.- - Oi, no smoking in here.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Why the hell give me - a cigar and lighter, then?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- I thought we were celebrating.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Celebrate outside. - You can't smoke in here. Shift.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Go on.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Go on.- - Bloody hell.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- And you Keto.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Out. - Gwyndaf wants to listen to jungle.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- # Predator # - Peshay
0:12:44 > 0:12:44- .
0:12:47 > 0:12:47- *
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- It's a really important day - for Para-Shoot Productions.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- We finally got a pitch - with the head of Teledu Tirlun...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- ..Gareth Llywelyn - aka Jimmy Glitter Jones.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- Dewi, - Jimmy Glitter loves Pobol Y Cwm.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- I know where this is going. - No fucking way, pal.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- It's TV. We're paid to perform.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- I don't care. I'm not doing it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- I don't care. I'm not doing it.- - We have to get our foot in the door.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Just be Jason for a little while.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- How hard can that be? - How does Jason go?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- I'm pregnant, Denzil. - You're the father.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Oh, no.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- Give me a whisky - and make it a big one.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Well done! Gold star, Huwi.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Can I do Jason?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37- Don't be silly. You can't, can you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- Don't be silly. You can't, can you?- - Why not?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- You don't look anything like Jason. - Your brother's his twin.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Oh yes, of course. Damn.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Stop mucking about. This is serious.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- He's a big cheese in Welsh TV. - He's our ticket into S4C.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- If he says yes, - it'll definitely happen.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Let's play the game, - let's do it tidy.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Remember - everything in Welsh.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Remember - everything in Welsh.- - Everything in Welsh.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10- Why are you so happy?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Hi, I'm Lilly with - Para-Shoot Productions.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- We have a 2pm with Jimmy Glitter.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18- It's alright.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19- Tidy.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20- Tidy.- - What?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- How's it going in the Deri? - I'm a big fan.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- I do more than just Pobol Y Cwm.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28- Anything I might have seen?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29- Anything I might have seen?- - Do you watch porn?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30- Sorry?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- Sorry?- - You know, porn.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Hardcore gay porn.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Hardcore gay porn.- - You like this, ya?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- You enjoyed that, didn't you? - Naughty girl.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- I think I had a little penetration - there.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- TWELVE SECONDS LATER
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- Well, well, well. I'll pretend - I didn't see that, shall I?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Jimmy Glitter. - A pleasure to meet you.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- I've loads of ideas. - Burrowing, fencing, pruning.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16- You'll like this. A Welsh Blind Date - with Eleri Sion. Fucking.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Can we have a meeting - after this meeting?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22- Huwi, what did we speak about?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Huwi, what did we speak about?- - Oh, yes. Sorry, Miss.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- I'm Lilly. Don't worry - about Huwi, he's very excited.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- This is Para-Shoot Productions!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- This is the star of the show. - Come along, Jason.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- This man needs no introduction.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- He's a method actor. - He's going into character.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- Oh, Sara. Oh, Sara.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- OK, everyone!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- I want everyone to sit down, - fingers on lips.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Huwi, what are you chewing?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Open your mouth.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Nice and wide. What is it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- It's an E.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Is this part of the pitch?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- No, Catrin. This is settle down - time. Is everyone settled? Good.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- Catrin, can you get the lights - for me, there's a good girl.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Run the film.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- I'm checking the sheep.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- I feel like a secret agent.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- I wonder if I'll find Huwi. - I can hear him.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- He's got a pitchfork. What the hell - is he doing with a pitchfork?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- He's catching moles.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Dad used to do this job.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- It's a pointless task.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- He's just like his father.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Two halfwits.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- The best part - of observational filming...
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- ..is that Huwi doesn't know - he's being filmed.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- He's coming close now.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Hey! Who's there?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- You rambler you! Who the hell - is that? Hey, get away!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Get out of there! - You're trespassing!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Huw, Huwi!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Get out of there.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- Fucking hell, Huwi. - What the fuck are you doing?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- What are you doing - hiding in the bush?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- I thought you were a rambler.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- This is the sound of time.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12- Right!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Huwi!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- I was out here this morning at nine.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- I went to wake Dews.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Can you see him behind me?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- He'll sleep through anything.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Hey ******, hear me?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- There you are then.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- Can you see him? - This is your wake up call.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Get me down!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- How are you? Did you sleep alright?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- Get me down!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54- BLEEPS
0:20:07 > 0:20:08- DEWS SCREAMS
0:20:08 > 0:20:09- DEWS SCREAMS- - I'll do it now.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Here we go.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Good morning! Rise and shine!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Rise and shine.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Get that fucking thing off me. - Fuck off.
0:20:49 > 0:20:55- You think that's funny, do you? - Let's see how you'd fucking like it.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- ****** twat, - making me look like a ****** jerk.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Calm down, mun.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- It's a lie, it's all a lie!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- If this is how it's going to be, I - don't want fuck all to do with it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13- Jason, come on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Brilliant, excellent. Fair play.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Am I now a part - of this exceptional TV moment?
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- Absolutely, Jimmy. We're all about - method and breaking the fourth wall.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Catrin, - get on the phone to **** S4C now.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56- Really?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57- Really?- - Go, go!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- How quickly can you get me a pilot?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- How quickly can you get me - ten grand?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06- Now you're taking the piss.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07- Now you're taking the piss.- - Am I?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Am I forgetting something? - Shall I rewind the tape?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Lilly, give him some playback.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- AWARD SMASHES
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- Fine, fine. - You can have ten grand for a pilot.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- We want 25 grand for two.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Two pilots? - Who does two fucking pilots?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- We fucking do.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Get the cheque book out. - You've plenty of money.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Mrs Glitter - wouldn't like to see that.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- OK, OK, fine. You can have - 25 grand for two pilots.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- OK, you wanna do this - the hard way, do you?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Stop fucking up my office!
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- You are all mental. You can - have your 25 grand but just get out.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05- OK, OK.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- You, all of you, out! Go!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- You, all of you, out! Go!- - I'll see Catrin for the cheque?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Get out! Out!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Turn that bloody thing off.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Come on, come on, out!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- CHEERS
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- S4C Subtitles by Gwead
0:24:05 > 0:24:05- .