0:00:00 > 0:00:00- *
0:00:02 > 0:00:07- This is when I normally - explain what happened last week.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11- Huw, OK.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- We're ready to go for one.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- Have you had a practice?
0:00:19 > 0:00:23- They can't hear me over that.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28- I have to mow the lawn before - Gran comes back. She'll go mad.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- I'll be finished in thirty seconds.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- It's going to rain.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- Then you can carry on.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Thirty seconds?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40- Action.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45- Hello and welcome to Dyddiadur Dews.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- HUWI SWITCHES LAWN MOWER ON
0:00:53 > 0:00:58- This is the part when I normally - explain to the viewers...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- ..what happened last week.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- I don't have to do it this week.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- In the next scene...
0:01:06 > 0:01:11- ..Gwyndaf and I are discussing - what happened last week.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16- All you have to know - is that it's 2003. OK?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- Enjoy the programme - and welcome to Dyddiadur Dews.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- The mower has gone.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- The mower has gone.- - It fell off.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Huw. Huw!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Are you OK? What happened?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- I've trashed the mower.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Bring it up.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- The petrol will go the wrong way.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- BLEEP
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Pull it up!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58- OK.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59- OK.- - Is it OK?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- CHAPTER THREE, GOOD SHIT, MAY 2003
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- You're wasting my time.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- You made me look like a ****** clown - in front of everyone.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- Teledu Tirlun wants to make - a series with you.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- They gave us ten grand up-front.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- They gave us ten grand up-front.- - What for? A bloody circus show?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- It won't all be like that. - Comedy is the bait.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Everyone likes comedy.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- You said it was about farming.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- They think - they're getting Benny Hill.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- We only had 20 minutes - to do the pitch.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47- I had to find an angle. All I've - got here is a fucking rectangle.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Is he alright?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50- He does this all the time.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- He does this all the time.- - Check his tongue.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Stick your finger down his throat. - Clear the airwaves.
0:02:57 > 0:02:57- Dews.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58- Dews.- - What?!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- You have six episodes - to say what you want to say.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- I can do that in three seconds. I'm - not doing it. What are you doing?
0:03:08 > 0:03:13- Huwi! What have I said about dry - humping Keto when he's unconscious?
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- I'm not expecting a decision now. - There's a lot to think about.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- This might help you decide.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Lilly has the contracts. - Read them in your own time.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28- One thousand pounds.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Thanks very much for the offer, - Gwyndaf and Lilly...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- ..but I'm afraid...
0:03:37 > 0:03:38- Where do you want me to sign?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39- Where do you want me to sign?- - It's blank.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Just put Huw Bach, PLC.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Stay out of it, Huw.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46- A film about farming?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47- A film about farming?- - Yes.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49- No problem.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- When can we come to start shooting?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52- When can we come to start shooting?- - Where?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- The farm!
0:03:56 > 0:03:56- There's a problem.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- There's a problem.- - Slow down, Pacino.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00- Psycho.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Psycho.- - Nutcase.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- So I have to do all the filming?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Keep these coming - and we'll all be happy.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Huw, can I have a word please?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- Let's go, Spielberg. - There's work to do.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19- Dews, hear that?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Hear that? Sh!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Incoming.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- OK, mother*******, - say that to my little friend.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Bishop, bishop, where are you, - you synthetic bastard?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35- So sorry.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37- There's fun to be had.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Hey, stay safe kids, - thanks for the juice. Adios.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Was he dropped on his head as a kid?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- He's clean out.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Do you mind if I film you?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Not at all. I haven't much choice. - Are you the one on Pobol Y Cwm?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- SERIES OF BLEEPS
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Explain to us - what's in the fertilizer.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- I'll show you. These are ratios.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- You choose which to use.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Maybe you want - to boost the nitrogen.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- This is high in nitrogen.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Total nitrogen 34.5%.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37- This is 27.55%.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39- All of that's five.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- That's 27, and the other one's five. - Something like that.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- We should have started ****** - hours ago.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- At the end of the day...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- ..the economy demands - too much from farming.
0:05:56 > 0:06:02- It's all about how - the numbers of acres or fields...
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- ..equals the size - of the herd you have to feed...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- ..equals, um...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Fucking hell, Huwi!
0:06:21 > 0:06:26- Why did you ****** drive - between the artist and the camera?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- I'm showing how to scatter - fertilizer all over the place.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- That was meant to be in the back - of shot. In the background, Huwi.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- So the small businessman goes - to the bank and asks for money.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- HUW BEEPS HORN
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- He runs into debt...
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- ..just so that he can keep up - with the supermarkets' demands.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- And then what happens, the - supermarket puts pressure on him.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- They demand a higher standard - for lower prices.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- So in no time, the little bloke - can't take the pressure.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- And then, the business goes bust.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- The supermarket moves in - and buys up the business.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- BLEEP
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- That's classic criminal activity.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- That's not on.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59- HUW TOOTS HORN
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- GOOD SHIT BY HUWI A DEWS
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Shit is a feminine noun.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- There's a mutation after shit.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- I'd say it's masculine.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Turd is feminine.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Turd is definitely feminine.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Shit is masculine.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Damn, I'm out of focus. - I missed that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- That was a good, fast shit.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- You've gotta be in the right place - at the right time for shit spotting.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- That looks healthy.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53- That's what I want, Huwi.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- That's what I want, Huwi.- - Fit shit.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- In this edition...
0:08:57 > 0:09:02- ..we discuss an issue - that's being swept under the carpet.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Some say - it's a controversial subject.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Others say it's taboo.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11- Concentrate, Huwi.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13- The focus has gone.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- This one!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Don't hold your hand over the top.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- The focus is at your fingertips.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31- Switch it off.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- He shat.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- Don't think about it too much.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Come round this way.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Here it comes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Her shit.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Her shit.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04- She shat.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- They shitted.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- What happens to the turd - once she's had her shit?
0:10:14 > 0:10:19- Come with me and Huwi - to follow the turd...
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- ..as it rejoins the cycle of nature.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- We'll have to go again.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- We'll have to go again.- - I had a job focusing then.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Is that water?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50- Where have you been?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Where have you been?- - I've been filming with Huwi.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- You're two hours late.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- I've been on my own while you - pissed about with that hippy, Huwi.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- We're not pissing about.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04- Look.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- That won't get us out of the shit. - How much gardening have you done?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- Have you spoken to Gran? - She tried to phone you all day.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- Shit. It was on silent - while we were filming.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- Go back to the filming, Dewi. - Just leave us alone, right!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Dewi, you were meant - to be here on Monday...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- ..to mow the lawn, clear - the gutters and unblock the toilet.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- This is the fifth message - I've left on the ****** phone.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50- Call back before six at the latest. - You're not in the good books!
0:11:50 > 0:11:50- *
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Is that on? Yes, REC.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- This is Huwi Bach clocking on.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- We finished the milking.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- There's still a hell - of a lot to do before breakfast.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- I'm trying to recruit - another helper.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- You probably know him - quite well by now.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- Dews goes on and on - about how much work he does...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- ..and how hard it is...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- ..in this modern day - farming lifestyle...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- ..that there's - no time to do anything.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Let me reveal all.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- It's half past twelve.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- And where's Dews? - I bet he's still in bed.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- There he is.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Get up.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Look at the state on him.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Quite impressive.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- What has he got under there?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Get up, Dews.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- That's stiff. Get up, Dews.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- DEWS TALKS IN HIS SLEEP
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Don't bite.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- What's this?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Cream.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- We're just peering into the world...
0:13:26 > 0:13:27- We're just peering into the world...- - Sorry, sorry!
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- We're just peering - into the world of Spielberg.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36- What's this?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- I'll have a peep at this now.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48- Sleep, Dews.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- "She pushed me back onto - the bed and pulled my skirt up...
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- "..and my knickers to one side - to she could see my..."
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- BLEEP
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- "She bent forward - and I remember shivering.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- "She turned round quickly..."
0:14:08 > 0:14:09- BLEEP
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- Dews, get up!
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- Del has a slightly one-off - technique of getting Dews up.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26- Did you try to wake him?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27- Did you try to wake him?- - Yes.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- You'd better get up, Dews.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- Tell him to move.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Right-o, Del.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- No effect.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- It didn't do anything to him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- Del lost his temper and let rip - but Everest still stands.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Everest is still unconquered.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- Do it again, gentler this time.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Where are they?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- Dels.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14- Dels.- - Fuck off.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- What's wrong?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Fuck off.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- I told you.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- What's wrong with Delme?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- What's wrong with Delme?- - He's angry. He's pissed off.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- What's going on?
0:15:29 > 0:15:35- Pastie, his pedigree dog, - has had puppies.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- That's good news. How many?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39- Seven.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Why the fucking fuss?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- He'll get a thousand pound - for that litter.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- It's a pedigree litter.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Yes, yes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58- I told him often enough.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- I told him often enough.- - I see his problem now.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- He paid good money - to have her neutered.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- He took her to be serviced.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- He said it was definite.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- He bought him loads of pints.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- No wonder he's upset.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- United Colors Of Benetton.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- He's furious. - We can wind up him about this.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- United Colors Of Benetton.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- Good girl, Pastie. Ignore them.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- Live and let live. - The underdog strikes again.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- The outsider.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Fuck Delme.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02- PUPPY BARKS
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- It's not our fault...
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- ..that the townsfolk...
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- ..catch listeria and salmonella.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- We've spent more time...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- He's having a shit now!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- We've spent more time...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- But there you go.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- If you insist on living - in a pasteurized, sterilized...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- ..fat-free, vacuum-packed...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- ..Silicon Valley.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Fucking Huwi.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- I'd get more sense - from one of these.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59- All the government is doing - is distancing society from nature.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- You can't do it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- You wouldn't like that - on your cornflakes.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13- I don't get time to eat - cornflakes in the morning. Action.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- I have here a mug of black coffee.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23- I'll get milk - straight from the teat.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- I'll prove once and for all, - live on television...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- ..that there's fuck all - wrong with it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Fill it up, Huwi.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35- Fill it up, Huwi.- - Sure?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36- Yes.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Yes.- - Right-o, Pacino.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- A little shit won't harm you.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- It's a proven medical fact...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- ..that bacteria - is good for the immune system.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54- I'll drink this - and I won't die of listeria.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Because I'm at one with nature.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59- There you go.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- There you go.- - Thanks Huwi.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Bon appetit.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Right, then.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- What the hell did you put in that?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- What the hell did you put in that?- - She has a touch of mastitis.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- You're not supposed to drink it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21- You're not supposed to drink it.- - Knob!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Fair play to Dews.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- Always ready to dip his tongue into - the sour milk of modern politics.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- I'll do shots of you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- I want to do a piece to camera.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Three, two, one.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- Action.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- There's been a lot of fuss...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- I'll start again.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- There's been a lot...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Huw! Huw!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- Give me 45 seconds, - roughly 45 seconds...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- ..and then let her have it.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- The same again?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- Give me roughly 45 seconds. - I'll try hand signals.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- If you don't hear "acid rain" - or see a hand signal...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- ..after roughly 45 seconds, - let her have it.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- You were too close then.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24- You were too close then.- - Let's go Spielberg.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26- Action.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- There's been a lot of fuss lately...
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- ..about how intensive - farming effects the environment...
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- ..methane in particular, and - its effect on the ozone layer.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44- Fucking hell, Huw! Fucking hell!
0:20:46 > 0:20:47- Huw!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Huw, it's all over - the fucking camera.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- What are you fucking doing?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Fuck's sakes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- It's all over the fucking camera.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Try one more time.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- There's no point. - You're just dicking around.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25- There's shit everywhere. - That's close enough now.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Fucking hell, Dews.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- You slipped.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32- Damn!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Shit!
0:21:55 > 0:21:56- Yes?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57- Yes?- - Can I come in?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- What do you think? - Look at the state on you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Huwi was pissing about.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- You're not coming in.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- The shit is in the bag. - I just want a shower.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- I don't want you here at all.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16- How many missed calls - have you got on your phone?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17- Shit.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Mabli had a party today.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22- You remember now.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Is she there? - I'll have a word with her.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- She doesn't want to speak to you. - She's breaking her heart.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- I'll make it up to her. I promise.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38- Just stay away. - I can't do this any more.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- I haven't done it on purpose.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- I haven't done it on purpose.- - No, I understand that.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- The camera means more to you - than your children's happiness.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- You understand, do you, Lowri?!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- You don't understand **** all.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- I don't give a ****, do I? Fine!
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- I'll act like someone - who doesn't give a ****. Stuff you.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Stuff you all, OK?!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- S4C Subtitles by Gwead
0:23:49 > 0:23:49- .