0:01:03 > 0:01:06Shouldn't leave your door open, Shirl - not round here,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Anyone can get in, can't they? Help themselves to anything.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Phil?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I'd have had a look around, but.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Ben? Jay?- Do you think someone's broken in?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22What if they're still here, Shirl?
0:01:22 > 0:01:27They're going to get their jacksies kicked in. Phil couldn't have shut the door properly.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Yeah, he's got a lot on his mind at the moment.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Yeah.- All the police and all that lot.- Yeah.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Beating up young girls.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37That's not what happened.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What you looking at?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Nothing.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06You got something on your mind an' all?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- You've got real charm about you today.- Just leave it, will ya.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Yeah, I do that a lot. And look where that gets us.- Meaning?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Carry on like this, you're going to be Public Enemy Number One.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I'm bricking it, aren't I(!)
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- OK. Maybe you just don't care. - What, about a bunch of losers?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23You got four businesses on this Square. You need those losers.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I'm supposed to go round on bended knee apologising to everyone?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30No. Just smile.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32At our Christmas party, tonight.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What Christmas party? I said what Christmas party?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Pops? Nan got you that, didn't she?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Still, won't need it where you're going.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57What is the going rate for handling stolen goods these days?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I wasn't handling them. I mean, not in that way.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I mean, I know it had my prints on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04So why can't you just tell 'em who's really in the frame?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Because you don't do that, Lola.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09But Pops, this isn't fair.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10No, I know it ain't.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And a book of second class stamps, please. Six.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Oh no, make it twelve. Make it first class.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24So what, you writing to Santa?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Just a few cards, you know.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, there's no Christmas wish list for me this year.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32This Christmas everything is coming my way.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You heard Rose said, it's written in the stars.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39My Mr Right is just about to walk through that door.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Here Hev, you missed a good night, Friday. Rose did a Tarot reading.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Yeah. One of us is going to find true love.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And you reckon it's you, do you?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50No. I reckon Jean.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52No, I don't think so.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Well, nothing like that ever happens to me.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Well, better keep my eyes peeled.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00See if I can see any knights on white chargers.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- I'm so sorry. - Oh. I'm so sorry
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Let me help you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I'm sorry. So sorry.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09There you go.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- 'Scuse me.- Yes?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- You left this.- Thanks.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26That's a stupid idea.
0:04:26 > 0:04:32I'm going to invite Jack and his brother. Maybe you can invite Ian.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35All right, get Ben to ask Ian.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Then there's Denise, Patrick. Who else you upset?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41No, don't answer, silly question, let's just invite everyone
0:04:41 > 0:04:46in the phone book shall we, that should just about cover it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48What else does this bloke know, eh?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- I've done a lot things. - Just trust me.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- This could be the end of me. The end of us.- It won't.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58All that with Lola.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01That's one of the reasons I'm doing this.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05You don't still think...?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07She just smelt trouble and chanced her arm.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11She don't know anything. Whoever's behind this, it ain't her.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18This what came earlier?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Found it on the floor.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"Hope you get everything you deserve.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32"Happy Christmas."
0:05:34 > 0:05:35It will be.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Once I bury whoever sent this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- You sure about this?- Yeah. It's Christmas, innit. It's traditional.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- Packing the house with tat? - Cora, this ain't tat, babe. It's fun.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52What is fun? What time is it?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55All right, Tan. I was just going to come and get you.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57CHRISTMAS JINGLE PLAYS >
0:05:57 > 0:06:00One of the market boys had it all rigged up on his stall.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- All singing all dancing, he is. Check this out.- Oh, Max!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Go on, son!
0:06:06 > 0:06:10SANTA SHORT CIRCUITS
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- I didn't say nothing. - Yeah, too right.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- I've been banged up all night. - It weren't me that left your prints on the gear.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- You're the one that messed up. - I could go down for this.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Might do you some good.- What? - Teach you some manners.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Right, for once in my life I don't roll over when you say so and you don't like it?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- You ain't going to swing for this. - No, neither are you.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- They'd throw the book at me, wouldn't they?- Yeah, me an' all.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56And I'm about to have a great-grandkid to look after.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58You know the score.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Lola can't look after herself and a baby, she needs me.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04And no, I didn't expect you to hold your hands up for it.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06But I didn't expect you to leave me roasting neither!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Hang on a second. Hang on. I didn't quite catch that.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I'm just saying, it's just not like you, that's all.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- It's nothing I can't handle. Or are you saying something different? - No. No.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Good. Now shut the door on your way out, cos there's a draught in here.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48I don't think she was talking about me though. Do you?
0:07:48 > 0:07:53I mean, that kind of thing, true romance.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57It doesn't happen twice, not to people like me, anyway.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Course it does.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- It's him.- Who?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06The bloke I was telling you about. The one I bumped into when I dropped my shopping.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11- Should book the church then. I'll buy myself a new hat(!) - He's coming over.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- 'Scuse me.- That's what you said before.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16In the Minute Mart.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18When I dropped the stamps.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You said excuse me.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I was wondering if you served food?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Not for another hour yet.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I could probably rustle something up though.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32If it's no trouble.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Thank you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43- Bit short notice, ain't it? - You doing something else?- What, apart from avoiding my new lodger?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Shouldn't be a problem then? - What's this in aid of?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Why's it have to be in aid of anything? It's Christmas.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Jingle bells, goodwill to all men an' all that.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54And a way of saying sorry about the flat.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58You don't seem to want to accept our hospitality. What's bothering you?
0:08:58 > 0:09:03What, apart from you making it sound more like an execution than a knees-up, you mean? No, ta.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Ben.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09What was that all about?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Don't know and don't care. Phil Mitchell playing mine host.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16That's like North Korea throwing a party for the South.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Let's not be too hasty.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Close?- Yeah.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24As in shut up shop. Right now.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- What do you think Dad'll say? - I'm doing this for your dad.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I'll need your help an' all.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29No, I'm going to go R&R.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- I thought you were turning over a new leaf?- Well... - You can start now.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Can't he even put up a bit of tinsel?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It does me good, keeps me occupied.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47You need to rest.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Will you stop fussing?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I'm serious. You're going to need all your strength...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54For heaven's sake!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Take it easy, will you?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Actually I've got a surprise for you.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Cora, give me a hand with this will you, please?
0:10:10 > 0:10:15- What with?- Well, if I tell ya, it won't be a surprise, will it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Thank you.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Jean, I reckon he's following you.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Stop it.- He's met you in the Minute Mart and he's asked round.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You're getting me all in a tizz.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35He ain't following her.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Why not?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well look at him, he's seriously hot.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- And Jean ain't? - Course I'm not.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Jean!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I can be warm sometimes.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Warm?- I reckon you're just jealous. - What?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Yeah, just cos it's not written in the stars for you to meet someone like that.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Hey look, I don't need nothing written in no stars.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56If I want a fella, I go and get the fella.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I did see him first.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03OK. You try. And then I'll show you how it's done.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13It's all going to kick off at six, I need you to help me do the grub.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Well, open a few bags of crisps anyway.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21What's the matter, Hev? You away with the fairies?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You can bring George.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Or maybe you don't want to.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Maybe you don't want to be there at all, is that right?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I didn't say that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Is this because of Phil?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Oh, come on Hev, you're my mate. my best mate.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I know.- If you're thinking this, what's the rest of the Square going to think?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43So this is all about making people like him again, is it?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I've got to get him back, Hev.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Back to what he was before all this happened.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49You don't know him,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53not really. I know he comes across as a 'ard nut and most of the time he is
0:11:53 > 0:11:56but someone's playing him and it's messing with his head.
0:11:56 > 0:12:02The old Phil, he would never go near a kid like Lola, let alone...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Anyway, that's my problem.
0:12:05 > 0:12:11Which makes it my problem too. Course I'll be there.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Not sure the rest of the Square'll be too keen though.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I've thought of that.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Yeah, I told him what I thought. I reckon he got the message.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Oh yeah, really guilty conscience. Tormented he was.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26You know he's throwing a party tonight, right?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Shirley was just over the caff inviting everyone.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- You what? - Yeah, it's nice that, innit?
0:12:31 > 0:12:36While you're banged up in some stinking rotten cell, he's over there getting into party mode.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43How was it?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Really good. All your own work?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47With these fair hands.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Very professional.- Oh, you'd be surprised what I can turn them to.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I do a sausage surprise to die for. Not here, at home.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57You do catering at home?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Oh no, only for family. And friends. Good friends.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03I like friends.
0:13:03 > 0:13:09Especially the good friends. Not the bad ones, which is silly really,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13because the bad friends wouldn't be friends at all, would they?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14I'll just take...
0:13:25 > 0:13:31- So, did he ask you out?- No.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Right then.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36My turn.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- You want us to close?- Yeah. Only for one night.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Hev, go and get some booze. - What do I say to Phil when he comes for his rent?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I'll sort him out. And tell your punters if they want to get hammered to come to ours later.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52We're having a party.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I see. So the only way to get anyone round your place is to close this.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04You got rid of her then?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Gave her a score, told her to go and get a drink.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Then she took a tenner more.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Babe, I only wanted a bit of peace and quiet to sort this Santa out.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Mmm, stop her going on about my treatment.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- It's just her way.- She's doing everyone's head in. - You know what she's like.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Something's on her mind, she goes on and on about it, don't she?
0:14:26 > 0:14:31Fuses, from the Minute Mart, might do the trick, mightn't they?
0:14:31 > 0:14:36You're the opposite. Something's on your mind you don't say a word.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- It's you, isn't it?- What?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- It's you?- Who?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48- The ex-footballer? - What footballer?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50The good-looking one.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55I tell you what, he falls for that, give up on him anyway.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Shut up, I'm writing it down. - I really wasn't a footballer.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Yeah, and you're not from the Good Food Guide neither?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Actually, I rather enjoyed it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05You can do a lot better than that around here.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I dunno, maybe I should do my bit for the local economy and, um, show you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14The chef here seems quite good. I take it she is the chef, the lady who just served me?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Chef?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Queen of the Microwave more like.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21So like I was saying...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23So, she's not the chef, she's just helping out?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Jean's her name, yeah?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Only I'm sure I heard the landlady calling her that earlier on.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Get your coat. I reckon you've pulled.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35No she ain't, not tonight. Not in here anyway. Listen up. We're closing up.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- What?- Terrific(!)
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I get chucked out of Tanya's, and now I'm turfed out the boozer.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Why?- You've all been invited to a party across the road.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45At Phil and Shirley's.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- The Mitchell's doing something for Christmas. About time. - And that means all of you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I still don't see the point in all this.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Hopefully you will.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00When everyone starts singing, For He's A Jolly Good Fellow?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02You're losing it.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Who's doing all this aggro, Phil? - I don't know.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08It's got to be someone on the Square, and they're watching you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Most of them are coming here tonight, what better way of finding out?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14That's even more stupid than me trying to win a popularity contest.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17We sit. We watch. And we listen.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21And maybe whoever's doing this won't be able to resist planting or nicking something.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Yeah, and maybe whoever it is doesn't bother turning up at all.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Great(!) Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Oh, shut up and sort the drinks out. - I've been to funerals that are more fun than this.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yeah, well, if you carry on,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41you'll be going to one sooner than you think.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45I told you they wouldn't be able to resist, didn't I?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Lo?
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- You going out?- Let's see how much he enjoys his party once I get there.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- I've had my say about all of that. - Yeah, and he's totally ignored you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06So now it's time for me to have my say.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10You've just come out of hospital, you're in no fit state to go spoiling for a row.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16- We just let him get away with it, yeah?- No. Just wait a minute. Lo. Just wait, wait.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Just sit down with me, eh? For five minutes, please?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Thank you.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Now, you can help me decorate our tree. - We ain't got a tree.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41- If that's a present from Phil, you can give me the hammer.- No. No.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43It's from Father Christmas, innit.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, one of his little helpers anyway.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You mean a knock-off.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50They were only going to chuck them out.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Come on, Lo.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Christmas is coming up.
0:17:54 > 0:18:00I just thought this'd make the place look a bit nicer, you know.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I know it ain't exactly going to be a dream Christmas.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05No it won't. Not with all this going on.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Right, let's make the most of it, yeah?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Go on, pass me some tinsel.- Yeah?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Do you think your mum's right?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Do you think we should just take him back.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23I dunno, he's growing on me.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26He's ugly though, ain't he?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- Once you look at him. - Yeah, so are you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I bet all these bulbs are well past their sell-by.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35There's bits of you don't work so good, you're lucky no-one's trying to take you back.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Blimey, look who's talking.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41It's all right. You can do it you know.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Take the mick.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Yeah, I know. Cheers.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52They say, don't they. This sort of thing's harder on the relatives.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Well, I ain't a relative. I'm your husband.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- Not any more.- Well, I told you when I came back, I am.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04I am in here anyway. You're still my wife.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06For richer or poorer.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Sickness and in health.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13That's what we said, innit? Remember?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You don't think, do you, at the time?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You make all those promises, don't expect to have to call them in.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yeah, I've broken a few of those promises. I know I have.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But I ain't going to break this one,
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I'm here and I ain't walking out on ya.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33I'm scared.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Tan, I know.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Are you?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47You can say it In fact, I think I'd prefer it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52Then I wouldn't feel like the only one who was being weak and pathetic.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Yeah, I'm scared too.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14I can't believe I let you drag me along to this.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Free booze. We've got to show him he doesn't frighten us.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Whatever game he's playing, we've got to rise above it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Yeah. And free booze.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31- All right?- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Nice, ain't it.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Yeah, that's one word for it. - I can think of a few others.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Such as?- Interesting.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42- Unexpected.- Bit of a surprise.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45That's what I thought when I had the Old Bill knocking at my door.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Way I heard it they were kicking the door in.- You get a lot of inside information?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51You trying to say something to me?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Just making conversation. Scotch Egg? Sausage roll?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Oh, don't mind if I do.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Go on, it won't choke you.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Thanks.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Go and talk to him. - What do I say?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09You ain't got to say nothing.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13It's obvious he's interested, he'll be doing all the running.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oh, it's all right for you. you've got a bloke.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- And he worships the ground that you walk on. - Come on, you dozy mare.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- Kat.- All right? Enjoy the grub?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Yeah, it was very nice. - Going to compliment the chef?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29So you are the actual chef then?
0:21:29 > 0:21:34You know what they say, the way to a man's heart and all that.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39I don't believe this, talk about a pair of shrinking violets.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Do you fancy her?- Kat! - What?
0:21:42 > 0:21:47It's obvious you do, so why don't you ask her out before she runs away and you completely run out of nerve.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I'm so, so sorry about this. I don't believe you sometimes.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.- Excuse me,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57when it comes to this sort of thing, I'm a Mastermind on it.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I'm really not, um...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Not, um, what?- Interested. Well, not like that.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06- Why all them questions then?- Mo! - Are you messing her about?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- No.- Well, you was asking motormouth there about her.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I'm a....
0:22:11 > 0:22:12What?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14A timewaster?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16A benefits fraud officer.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Benefits fraud?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24And you've been working while claiming benefit.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- I have not.- Excuse me, I saw you with my own eyes.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And your employer's just confirmed it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I can't stand a scrounger.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Scrounger?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40But I haven't been making any claim.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50See, told I'd get him working?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Can we do a deal?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I'll be honest with you, I want you to be honest with me.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I knew it, you do hate Santa.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Do you ever think this could be it?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Our last Christmas together? - Tan, please...
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Yeah.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Yeah, I do.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Do you want out?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Cos it's OK, I meant what I said when you came back,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I'm not lumbering you with an invalid.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44What if it was me who was ill?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Same question. Would you want out?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't know.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00I don't know if I could...
0:24:03 > 0:24:04No.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11That's my answer too.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25I'm starting to enjoy this.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I reckon I've sussed what this is all about.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- Really? Good. Let's go home then. - I'm right behind you.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33This is some kind of St Valentine's Day Massacre.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Get everyone you've ever had a ruck with under one roof. - And machine gun 'em?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40No. Well, one of us anyway.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43The guilty party.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48- The one with something to hide.- What? - Phil's been getting hate mail and he don't know who's been sending it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Chuck a stone. You'll hit about fifty suspects.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54So that's what this is all about? Try and smoke one out?
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Yeah. It's like one of them Agatha Christie novels, ain't it?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Actually, I was thinking of someone else.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I can't believe you've done this to me.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I wasn't ripping you off. Not really.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I was just using your name.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13We'll tell that to the judge! Don't bang her up, just put her name on the cell door!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- No-one's getting banged up.- Did you see the look on that snout's face?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I wouldn't trust him.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You was pushing Jean into his arms five minutes ago.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Now look what you've done. Jean!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Right, let's cut to the chase.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I'm not apologising for it, Phil.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37You've given enough people grief in the past and loved every minute of it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41So, seeing you get wound up, it's like all my Christmases have come at once.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46But what happened with Lola, that's not right. She's just a kid.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50So it's me who's been sending you all those letters. I'm the one who's responsible.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Nah, no, hold up. This has got nothing to do with him.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54It was me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58No. No, Jack. Falling on your sword for your brother. Very noble,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02but I'd never forgive myself. Phil, I'm Spartacus.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05No, no, no, no, come on, I'm Spartacus.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07No, Phil, don't listen to them. I'm Spartacus.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08You're hysterical.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I saw a programme about him once.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15He got crucified didn't he?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Look, they'll just get Nan to pay it back on the drip that's all.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27It's my name on the benefits book.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30She will not let you take the rap.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Then again this is Nan we're talking about, she might,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35but we won't let her.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Everyone thinks I'm a cheat. - No, they don't.- You heard Cora.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'll explain it to them.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45How can I carry on living here, Kat?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47When everyone's going to think that of me?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Right, come on Jean. Come on.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52- How?- Get that down you.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Well I'm relieved. Well, wouldn't you be?
0:26:58 > 0:27:03I thought it was going to be a straight fight back there, me and Jean.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Is that it?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07What?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Jean has just been totally humiliated
0:27:10 > 0:27:12in front of her whole family. and her neighbours on the Square.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17She's just found out she's going to be prosecuted for benefit fraud
0:27:17 > 0:27:21and all you can say is, I'm relieved?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Well, I am.- You are so shallow sometimes.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Look, I ain't shallow, yeah. I've got depths, yeah.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Deep depths. Moby Dick couldn't get to the bottom of my depths.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31He wouldn't want to!
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Ah, somebody's sent me a present. Come to Mama.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48- There's plenty of grub left. - Yeah, course there is. Everyone's gone home, ain't they.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49It was a nice idea, Shirl.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53No, it wasn't, it was a bad one. A very bad one.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56HEATHER CHOKING >
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Shirl!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Phil. Phil, get Hev's inhaler out of her bag.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03What a day I'm having.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Worst party ever, now my best mate's choking on a scotch egg!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Get it up.