0:00:02 > 0:00:04You have been listening to Up To You,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06with Barney Butterfield asking the questions,
0:00:06 > 0:00:09and Joyce Merriman tickling the ivories.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14The announcer was Richie Queenan, and the producer is Harold James.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Thank you all for tuning in to Up To You! #
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Ta-ra, folks, thanks for coming, thanks for listening,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22hope you can join us next week!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24But at the end of the day, remember, it's...
0:00:24 > 0:00:26ALL: Up to you!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32This is the BBC Light Programme.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35By 'eck, where do we get these audiences from?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I've had more laughs in a mausoleum.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Well, they did seem to warm up towards the end.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Yes, by the final round, they were practically tepid.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Ay-up, Jacob!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Do you fancy a quick pork pie and a pint at the Pig and Whistle?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51No, thank you. I've come to introduce your new producer.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53What?!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55As Harold is back at the sanatorium.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oh, how exciting!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I always love it when we get a new man.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Someone to take under our wing, as it were.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02If you'd like to come through.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Ah, hello. M-my name is Juh-Juh-Jeremy.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Is the "Juh-Juh" part of it?
0:01:08 > 0:01:09N-n-no.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Jeremy's been working in current affairs,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14but he's got some marvellous ideas for the new series.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17W-w-well, I thought we could take the show on the road.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a quiz show that went down
0:01:20 > 0:01:23the highways and byways, shining a light on our sceptred isle?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- No, it wouldn't.- Sorry?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I spent six years in variety,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30staying in boarding houses that stunk of cabbage.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34But I'm a big star now, so the folk come to see me.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Y-yes, yes, but this is the BBC, we have to reach out.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Nation shall speak peace unto nation.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Oh, yeah. Well, I'll speak to 'em,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45but I'm not going any further than Muswell Hill.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Barney, this is not a request. It's an edict.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51The show either has to evolve, or die.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Fine!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Then it should die!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And without me, the BBC is going to die!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And you're the one that killed it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Oh!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Look, it's really not that bad. It's not...
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Welcome to show business!
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Mrs McCarthy.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I was hoping to have a word about next week's confirmation class.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Oh, I'm sorry, I'm on a very tight schedule.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I thought you said you had a day off. Something about jam-making.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Yes, well, change of plan.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Actually, I'm seeing a gentleman
0:03:06 > 0:03:09from the British Broadcasting Corporation.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Would that have anything to do with the quiz coming to Kembleford?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Yes, it would.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19They're conducting some heats in the village hall to find contestants.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Well...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I shall be very glad to give you some moral support.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Excellent!
0:03:28 > 0:03:29- Morning!- Morning.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Good morning.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Holy Mother! I had no idea there would be so many.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I imagine they all read it in the parish magazine.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Although I was surprised you put it on page six, in such small print.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Yes, well, I didn't think there'd be much interest.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52But I stand corrected.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Morning.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Mrs Rudge.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Are you here for the quiz?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05That's right.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I've got them all staying at my boarding house.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That Barney Butterfield.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Though he's about as funny as a kidney stone,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15if you want my opinion.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17And her that plays the piano...
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Well, she thumps on it, with her fat fingers. Ha!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Somebody's brought a lot of sandwiches.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25My cat's just had a litter.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I won't be able to look after them all,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30so I thought, "I'll bring 'em along, see if I can sell 'em."
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Yes, well, unfortunately, I'm allergic.- Ah.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Mrs M! Father!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, kitties!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Careful! They're worth a lot of money.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44What are you doing here? Are you thinking of...?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Oh, yes, I've applied to be a contestant.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Oh, well, good luck with that.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50What do you mean?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I think if you want to win a BBC quiz,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57you need to know that Karl Marx is no relation of Groucho's.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I know more than you think.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Don't I, little kitty?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Ah, well, it's good to see so many of you.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Um... We're now going to whittle you down to just two people,
0:05:11 > 0:05:15who'll play the show for real o-o-on Sunday.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16So, er, come this way.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That's half a crown.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25# Up to you! Up to you!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27# Are you going to win tonight?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# It's up to you! #
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Thank you very much, Joyce. Very nice, thank you very much.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36And this section of the programme is called "Where In The World?".
0:05:36 > 0:05:38So, Sergeant Goodfellow.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Yes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Where in the world would you find Lake Titicaca?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45TICKING
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Titi... Titi...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- It's on the tip of my tongue. - I don't think it is, you know!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Is it in Africa?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- GONG CHIMES - I'm afraid not.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Let's hope they don't send you there on a case, Sergeant.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03No, it's in South America.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05So, Mrs McCarthy.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, yes. Hello.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Hello. Where in the world would you find Macgillycuddy's Reeks?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- TICKING - County... Oh, sorry.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16County Kerry, near Killarney, on the west coast of Ireland.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Correct!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And your Irish eyes may be smiling,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23because you could be going through to the final.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24AUDIENCE GASPS
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Miss Windermere?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Yes.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Where would I find the world-famous Segantini Museum?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35TICKING
0:06:35 > 0:06:37St Moritz, Switzerland.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- APPLAUSE - Well done, have you been?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, no, not inside it, although I have skied past it.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Well, you might be skiing right into our final.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Let's just hope that you don't meet an avalanche along the way.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Now, then, Mrs Rudge.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53What?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Mrs Rudge. Where in the world would you find Tutankhamen?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58- TICKING - I know that!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It's in Egypt.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01GONG CHIMES
0:07:01 > 0:07:02I'm afraid not, it's in South London.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Tooting Common - it's near Balham.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You did not say Tooting Common,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10you said Tutankhamen!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I know what I said, Mrs Rudge.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Maybe we could get you an 'earing aid as a consolation, eh?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Gosh. Should I step in?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Don't you dare.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26We always pull out the old Tutankhamen stunt when there's
0:07:26 > 0:07:29a dreary contestant we want to get rid of.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30What?!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Well, I'm fed up staying in her dingy boarding house
0:07:33 > 0:07:38with cold showers, disgusting food and a faint smell of pussy.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But this is the BBC. What about our integrity?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44This show gets 15 million listeners.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47They really don't tune in for the integrity.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I can't keep asking you questions till you get one right!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It's not fair. You talk too fast.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Well, we can't all be winners, can we?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So, please can we have a nice big round of applause for
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Sergeant Goodfellow and Mrs Rudge?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You can clap all you like, the show's a fix.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Richie, what are the scores, then? Richie?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10At the end of that exciting heat,
0:08:10 > 0:08:15we say a sad toodle-oo to Sergeant Goodfellow and Mrs Rudge,
0:08:15 > 0:08:21but a big here-we-go to Miss Windermere and Mrs McCarthy.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Ladies?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Which means the ladies will be appearing here,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28live to the nation, on Sunday night!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31JOYCE PLAYS THE PIANO
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I also misheard your question.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Would you like me to have a word?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I can fight my own battles, thank you.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53What goes around comes around.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55KITTEN MEWS
0:08:55 > 0:08:56So, um...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Bunty.- Bunty, yes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02You were so...confident. I don't know how you do it.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Oh, I just open my mouth and see what comes out.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Gosh.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Erm, well, I'm new to the area.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I was hoping someone could show me around.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Yes, of course.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Is anybody doing anything nice this evening?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I shall go in search of debauchery.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I may be gone for some time.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I'm m-m-meeting a girl.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Is she f-f-female?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Pay no attention. You run along and meet your female.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Right, then, I'm off to bell-ringing.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I've lit the fire so you won't be too nippy.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44And I've locked them kittens in the back room,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47so they won't be under your feet.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Are you not eating? Well, I don't blame you.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Them ballgowns you wear show every little detail.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And you want to do something with your hair
0:09:56 > 0:09:58if you're meeting a lady friend.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Mind you, at least you've got some.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Oh, and I found your diary. Very entertaining.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Where did you find...?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It were under your pillow.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You really should keep it better hidden.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Some of the muck in there... Gah!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Have a lovely evening, everyone.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20What a woman, eh?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I'd give her a dirty look...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- DOOR SLAMS - ..but she's already got one.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Y-yes, she's driving us all round the bend.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Well, if it's that bad, you could always come and stay chez moi.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36What?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Oh...no, no, I have to stay with my cast.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh, well, they could all come. There's masses of space.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Well, erm, th-that would be wonderful.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49J-Joyce! Erm, Bunty has asked if we'll come and stay with her.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Oh, that's nice. Erm, have you seen Barney?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55We were meant to meet here at half past.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56No, he's not been here at all.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, dear.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Oh, I hope nothing's happened to him.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Well, we were just about to go for a walk -
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- we could always keep an eye out for him.- Oh, thank you.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13HE SIGHS
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You're so lucky to live here.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Really? I'd give my eye teeth to go back to London.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23I just think here you can step out onto the open road, and...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oh! Oh, dear.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Do you smell something?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Yes, very sorry, it's.... - No, look.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Isn't that your guest house?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34OK, is anyone at home?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37No, I think they're all... The kittens!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Right, I'm going in.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No! I know where they are.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42You go and get help.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I need the fire brigade.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05What is it?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Mrs Rudge.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09She's dead.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11HE COUGHS
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Requiescat in pace. Amen.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23BELL TOLLS
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Who found the body?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Jeremy. He's at the hospital now.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38He was coughing so much he was practically inside out.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I just don't understand. He said the house was empty.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It should have been.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Mrs Rudge was at bell-ringing practice,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49but she came back early, worried about her kittens.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51The kittens!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Oh!
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Where have you been?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56It's none of your beeswax.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I was worried sick!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I'm sure you were. I'm your meal ticket.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04No, it's not like that, I...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Everywhere I go, autograph hunters.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10No, I think it's more serious than that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13All right, everyone, there's nothing to see.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16What happened here is a tragic accident.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19What DID happen here?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Mrs Rudge died from smoke inhalation caused by a blocked chimney.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24How can you be sure?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Because, Padre, I've looked, and it was definitely blocked.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29It's a common enough problem,
0:13:29 > 0:13:34which is why my wife and I recently converted to the electric.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Now, if you were staying at the boarding house,
0:13:37 > 0:13:38your possessions will be sent on,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41but for now we need to clear the area.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42(Oh, God...)
0:13:45 > 0:13:46What are you thinking?
0:13:50 > 0:13:55I'm thinking that Mrs Rudge was on the cleaning rota for St Mary's
0:13:55 > 0:13:58and when she polished the brasses, you could see your face in them.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02If her chimney was blocked, she would have known about it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05- Penelope?- Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Do you think you could get through a window at the back of the house?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21SHE COUGHS
0:14:26 > 0:14:28So, how did the kittens survive?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Well, they must have been in a safe place.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Or perhaps they do have nine lives.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Anyway, why would anyone want to kill Mrs Rudge?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Landladies, like priests, often know more than is good for them.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Now...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55If only we had a chimney sweep.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Oh, you have got to be...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02What an awful thing to happen.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I know, you just get settled in a place and you have to up sticks.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Drinkiepoos?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Richie, you haven't actually put your hand in your pocket, have you?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I just thought, with Mrs Whatserchops dying,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17life is short, so we may as well get sloshed.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Do they know for sure what happened? - I don't know.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Maybe someone told her to act her age, and so she died.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Oh, for heaven's sake! How can you be so cruel?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28It's a gift.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I just have this extraordinary talent to derive pleasure
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- from the sufferings of other people. - You.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38You've got absolutely no talent whatsoever.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41You're just a jumped-up, clapped-out has-been
0:15:41 > 0:15:42who's clinging onto my coat-tails.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Actually, my star is very much in the ascendant.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Prepare to be eclipsed.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Try not to get any soot in your eyes.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03There's something up there!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04What?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Interesting.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15In what sense?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It's a metal grille, filled with wax and gravel.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20But how did it get up there?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I think that earlier today
0:16:25 > 0:16:30someone smeared the sides of the flue with wax and gravel
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and then positioned the grille inside the chimney.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36And then, when the fire was lit,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38the smoke passed through as normal,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40but then as the fire got hotter
0:16:40 > 0:16:42the wax and gravel melted,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and dropped down to block the holes in the grille.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Turning this house into a smoke bomb.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I've invited the cast to come and stay with me at Montague.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Then you need to be very careful,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06because one of them is a killer.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Th-th-this is so kind of you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I was all ready to snuggle up at the Seamen's Mission.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Still, there's always tomorrow.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Excuse me, love.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Yes?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23How much would a place like this cost to buy?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25What?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28To the nearest hundred. I mean, I'm not short of a shilling.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I think you have to be born here.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33There you all are.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Before you get too settled, I need to ask you some questions.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- RADIO:- 'In the book by Beatrix Potter,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43'what sort of animal is Miss Tiggywinkle?'
0:17:43 > 0:17:45A hedgehog.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47'Erm... Hmm.'
0:17:47 > 0:17:49A hedgehog. A hedgehog!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51'Can you repeat the question, please?'
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Mrs McCarthy...
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Yes?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57This passion for quizzes is becoming obsessive.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Well, I notice that young madam has invited them all to stay,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06so no doubt she'll be picking up a few hints.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Guess what!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14The whole cast has been carted off to Kembleford nick.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16That doesn't surprise me.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Well, it gave me ample time to search their things.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21You had no right to do that!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24What did you find?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27A little black book.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Look. "If found, please return to Richie Queenan."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well, his private life is a riot.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I never knew that about John Gielgud!
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Hm!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42And look at the last entry, there.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"The plan is always to end up with one young spunky one
0:18:45 > 0:18:47"for the youth audience,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"and a lovable old fusspot for the elderly."
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'd hang onto the word lovable, if I was you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55There's more.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59"Stop press, our ancient landlady has now kicked the bucket.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04"A tragedy for her, but for me it's the most marvellous escape route."
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Interesting.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Are you thinking that that book might be connected to the murder?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11It's possible.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16If Mrs Rudge had read it, she would know the show was fixed,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18and she could have had it cancelled.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22And that would make her a serious threat.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27But who loves a show enough to be prepared to kill for it?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32W-what's all this about? II thought it was a blocked chimney.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37We now believe it was blocked deliberately.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Don't look at me. I was nearly killed myself.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45So, who else might have had it in for Mrs Rudge?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, I don't know, really. I mean, she could be a bit of
0:19:48 > 0:19:51a battle-axe, but better than some of the landladies I've known,
0:19:51 > 0:19:52I'll tell you that.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Where were you in the early part of the evening?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I was with Joyce, in the pub.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You and Joyce go back a long way.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04That's right - we did Variety Bandbox together.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07She played the piano while I did my yodelling routine.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I remember that! Very droll.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Now...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Tell me about the other cast members.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Well, I'd say we were a very happy company.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I've known Barney since the year dot. He's...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26..a dear friend.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28And Jeremy's just joined.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32He's been to university, but he seems very nice.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And then Richie...
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Yes?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Well, I've just remembered.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Just before we went out this evening,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Richie told Jeremy,
0:20:48 > 0:20:53"I hope you and your lady friend get on like a house on fire."
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Well, it's a figure of speech, isn't it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Like "lie back and think of England".
0:21:01 > 0:21:04An unfortunate one, considering what happened next.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Hang on! Are you accusing me of murder?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I'm just asking you some questions.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, that's fine.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It's a pleasure just to be nominated.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Something the matter?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Just admiring your moustache.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Like a great forest of virility on a rugged landscape.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Marvellous.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41So, can you tell me where you were in the early part of the evening?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Course I can, treacle. I went to see a film.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Salome with Rita Hayworth.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Any witnesses to that?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54No.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00It was very dark, and Rita can't actually see out of the screen.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07HE HUMS
0:22:07 > 0:22:09PHONE RINGS
0:22:11 > 0:22:13St Mary's Presbytery?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- BUNTY:- Well, I got home safe.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18And so did our wandering stars.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22What's the mood, exactly?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Doomy.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30Although...Richie was singing a medley of show tunes.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I'm intrigued by the last line in his journal.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Mrs Rudge's death gives him an escape route.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38From what?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Or who?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41KNOCKING
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Hello, darling! Are you ready for an adventure?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I could get used to living in a place like this.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You don't think you'd get lonely?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Just you, rattling around?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Well, I suppose I could always invite me mother over.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Inspector?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Afternoon. I want to have a word with Richie Queenan.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19KNOCKING
0:23:20 > 0:23:22He's not been down yet, but he...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Oh! That's very odd.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28There's nobody here but Lord Reith.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Lord Reith?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34That's the name of his teddy bear.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Right.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38And his bed hasn't been slept in.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It looks like he went out and never came back.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46It's all very queer.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52So, can you tell me where Mr Queenan was in the hours
0:23:52 > 0:23:55leading up to Mrs Rudge's death?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Why don't you ask him?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00We did. He claimed he'd gone to watch a film called Salome -
0:24:00 > 0:24:04a film which, it now transpires, doesn't open till next week.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Oh. DOORBELL RINGS INCESSANTLY
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Which is why we urgently need to speak to him.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Ah, Inspector. Good afternoon.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Moving in mysterious ways again, are we?
0:24:18 > 0:24:23No, I'm here to offer pastoral care to some visitors to our parish.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Oh, that's awfully jolly dee, but Jeremy's just called a rehearsal.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, well...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I've always wanted to be a contestant on a quiz show.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43# Up to you! Up to you!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44# Are you going to win tonight?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48# It's up to you! #
0:24:48 > 0:24:50And now for our nail-biting finale.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Father Brown?- Hello.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Here's an easy one for you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What is the capital of France?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Do you mean the capital city?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02What else would I mean?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Well, capital in the sense of money, currency,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08in which case, the answer would be...franc.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Well, why would I? I mean, why would you think that?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Well, I try to think down every pathway.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I-it's a f-fair point.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Perhaps we should change the question.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19I'm losing the will to live, here!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22We've been doing this for five hours!
0:25:22 > 0:25:27Well, I just think we could f-fine-tune th-the format a bit.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30We're just going round in circles! And where's Richie?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33THREE LITTLE MAIDS PLAYS
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Oh!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Sounds like you've got company.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37That must be him.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41It's typical Richie. He can never just slip in quietly.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Because it sounds like the music is coming from...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47..up there.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51LIQUID DRIPS
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Hello?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Is Mr Queenan in there? - I don't know, I can't get in.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Erm, I think there's a way to get doors off with a screwdriver.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Or...there's a quicker way.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21THREE LITTLE MAIDS STOPS
0:26:26 > 0:26:30HE DELIVERS LAST RITES
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I need to know your movements in the four-hour period leading up
0:26:40 > 0:26:42to the discovery of the body.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44We were rehearsing.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45For six hours. Ad nauseam.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48And we do have a very reliable witness.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50That'll be me.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Indeed.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55We can always rely on the Padre's presence at every crime scene.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Well, it seems perfectly clear what's happened.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Does it?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Richie Queenan murdered Mrs Rudge.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05We were on the point of arresting him,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07following the collapse of his alibi.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11He must have got wind of this and decided to take the easy way out.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15But why would he murder an old lady, Inspector?
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Mrs Rudge had become aware of his...proclivities.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22His indiscretions.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And as she was a well-known gossip,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28he knew there was only one way to silence her.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Simple self-preservation.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And what do you mean, proclivities?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Is it the fact that, in every town we went to,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40he would always hurry off in search of some manual labourer
0:27:40 > 0:27:43who might be in the mood for a drunken bunk-up?
0:27:43 > 0:27:48Yes, his love life was unconventional, but
0:27:48 > 0:27:50we all...need company.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56That's the line I'm pursuing.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01But until cause of death is confirmed,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05I must insist that you all stay in Kembleford.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Yeah, well, we've got no choice,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10because despite everything else, we've got a show to do tomorrow.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- RADIO:- Police in Kembleford are investigating the apparent
0:28:16 > 0:28:19suicide of radio announcer Richie Queenan.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Mr Queenan had been...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Would you turn that blessed thing off?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I just can't bear it.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34I've been listening to that voice all my adult life,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37and, well, to think that he was a murderer!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39That's what they think,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42but do you really think he killed Mrs R
0:28:42 > 0:28:44and then killed himself?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48All our suspects were downstairs, rehearsing the quiz.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Oh, yes, the quiz!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Well, I can hardly believe it's going to go ahead now.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Well, there are 15 million listeners waiting.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Rasputin, ravioli...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06..rigor mortis.
0:29:06 > 0:29:12"Rigor mortis generally sets in three to four hours after death...
0:29:16 > 0:29:20.."but can be delayed by immersion in cold water."
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Well, the water was freezing!
0:29:22 > 0:29:25He could have been lying there for a couple of hours, pickled.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- Indeed. - But I thought that door was locked.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Place the body in the bath, lock the door,
0:29:34 > 0:29:35climb out of the window...
0:29:37 > 0:29:38..and leave it ajar.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40But then, who turned on the radio?
0:29:40 > 0:29:43We were all miles away.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46And why would any of them want to commit a double murder?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49That is still a mystery.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52Like you...
0:29:53 > 0:29:55..I have many questions to answer.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Hello, folks!
0:29:59 > 0:30:00How do? How do?
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Welcome to the show that wanders the highways and byways...
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Yes, yes.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Yes, left. Left at the church.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Right, goodbye.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Can you not pipe down for a blithering moment?!
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Our announcer's lost again.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16I'm losing the will to live, with all these constant interruptions.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Jeremy, dear, it's all getting a bit fraught.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Why don't you go and check on the lost announcer?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Fraught? That's one word for it.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Do you know, I'm that close to spontaneously combusting.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Well, before you go up in smoke, there's something I need to ask you.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Oh, yeah?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Where were you on Friday night?
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- What?- The night Mrs Rudge was...
0:30:42 > 0:30:45I told you before - it's none of your beeswax!
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Look, I was willing to give you an alibi -
0:30:48 > 0:30:50it just seemed the right thing to do at the time.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52But now, I need to know.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54No, you don't!
0:30:54 > 0:30:57All you need to do is play the piano and keep the people happy.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00And you'd make me happy if you'd stop poking your finger
0:31:00 > 0:31:01into things that don't concern you!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Just remember that winning isn't everything.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12They used to say that at school.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14I never believed a word of it.
0:31:17 > 0:31:18Mrs McCarthy!
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Miss...
0:31:23 > 0:31:25Windermere.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Yes! Come this way.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Oh, thank you.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Good luck!
0:31:34 > 0:31:37WOMAN PERFORMS VOCAL EXERCISES
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Erm, if you'd like to wait here.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Oh, I was so sorry, dear, at the sad news.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Oh, my dear, you look like a Hollywood star!
0:31:53 > 0:31:55You're not so shabby yourself.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57No, I don't feel very pretty.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00What do you mean?
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Well, it's Barney.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04He can be awfully difficult.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Yes.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Though he's only really difficult when you're around.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12What?
0:32:12 > 0:32:16It's attention-seeking behaviour, and it's your attention he wants.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Oh, I don't think that's true at all.
0:32:20 > 0:32:21Is it?
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I'll be glad to see the back of these show-business types.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30They're not the same as the likes of us.
0:32:30 > 0:32:31No, sir.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Calling everyone "luvvy" or "treacle"...
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Well, I just suppose it's the way they talk to each other...
0:32:38 > 0:32:40- JINGLE PLAYS - Hold on! They're starting.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42# Are you going to win tonight?
0:32:42 > 0:32:45# It's up to you! #
0:32:46 > 0:32:48So, at the end of that round,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50we are teetering on the brink of a precipice.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- Mrs McCarthy?- Hello.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56You do not have to answer this question.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58If you get it right, you get five points.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01If you get it wrong, you'll lose ten points.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Are you going to go for it? It's...
0:33:05 > 0:33:08ALL: Up to you!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Yes, I will!
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Isn't she brave? Champion. Well done, well done.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Right, the question...
0:33:15 > 0:33:19The palmier biscuit contains three ingredients -
0:33:19 > 0:33:24sugar, salt, and what type of pastry?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26- TICKING - The palmier...
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I have no idea.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31It's shortcrust!
0:33:31 > 0:33:33- GONG CHIMES - Oh, dear.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34Sorry, it's puff.
0:33:37 > 0:33:38Miss Windermere?
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Yes.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43St Gertrude of Nivelles is the patron saint of what creature?
0:33:43 > 0:33:45TICKING
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Is it...cats?
0:33:50 > 0:33:52APPLAUSE
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Well done, well done.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57- Are you fond of our furry friends? - Oh, I adore them.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Kittens...
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Excuse me.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Now, your next question, your bonus question, is also about cats.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Are you going to go for it? It's...
0:34:11 > 0:34:12ALL: Up to you!
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Oh! Um, yes.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18APPLAUSE
0:34:18 > 0:34:21What is the collective noun for a group of kittens?
0:34:21 > 0:34:23TICKING
0:34:29 > 0:34:31GONG CHIMES
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Oh, dear. I'm so sorry, Miss Windermere, you're out of time.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39May I have a word?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Can it wait?
0:34:41 > 0:34:43I don't think so, no.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55You really do have a talent for radio.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Oh, well done. You're not just a pretty face, are you?
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Creating imaginary worlds from just a few sounds.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03So, then, it's one-all and all for one and everything to play for.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07And you've been manipulating us the whole time.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13You led Bunty to the boarding house when you knew the ground floor
0:35:13 > 0:35:15would be full of smoke.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19And yesterday, you called a rehearsal to give yourself
0:35:19 > 0:35:22an alibi when Richie Queenan's body was discovered.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28You killed Mr Queenan and Mrs Rudge.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Why would I do that?
0:35:31 > 0:35:34I don't think that you meant to kill.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37But you became obsessed with a beautiful woman.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41- TICKING - God bless us, every one.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Someone you thought would never give you a second glance.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51So you used your brilliant, inventive mind
0:35:51 > 0:35:54to fill a house full of smoke.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Your plan was to run in, rescue the kittens,
0:35:58 > 0:36:00and run out a hero.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03But now you had a problem.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Living with three nosy, gossipy,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11inquisitive performers,
0:36:11 > 0:36:16someone was bound to find out who killed Mrs Rudge.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Richie knew.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25He saw me put the device up the chimney.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27He nagged me till he found out what it was
0:36:27 > 0:36:29and then he teased me.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Pay no attention. You run along and meet your female.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39Was he blackmailing you?
0:36:41 > 0:36:42Actually, he was kind.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48Hello, darling! Are you ready for an adventure?
0:36:48 > 0:36:50'He even asked me out for the evening.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52'He took me to a small hotel, gave me a glorious meal,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54'told me it would a-all be OK.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56'It was just a t-terrible mistake,
0:36:56 > 0:36:59'and I shouldn't let it destroy my whole career.'
0:36:59 > 0:37:03I imagine Richie Queenan's kindness came at a price.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05It did.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08When we'd finished eating,
0:37:08 > 0:37:10he said something that put the fear of God into me.
0:37:10 > 0:37:11Guess what, darling...
0:37:13 > 0:37:16I've written a script!
0:37:16 > 0:37:18'He'd written some sort of...comedy.'
0:37:20 > 0:37:22The Richie Queenan Show.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24I looked through.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26It was awful.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31But he now had the power of life or death over me.
0:37:31 > 0:37:32So I said...
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Wow, it...it's wonderful!
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Of course we'll get it on the BBC.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41You're a national treasure.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45'We went back to Montague.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47'I was trying to calm him down, but he was so happy.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49'He was going to wake up the whole house.'
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Quiet!
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Barney, Joycey, come and hear the theme tune!
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Please!
0:37:57 > 0:38:00# Richie Queenan Show on the radio
0:38:00 > 0:38:02# It's the talk of all the town! #
0:38:02 > 0:38:05'His teddy bear. I grabbed hold of it,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07'pressed it over his mouth.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10'I was only trying to keep him quiet, but I pressed...'
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Quiet!
0:38:12 > 0:38:13'..and pressed.'
0:38:26 > 0:38:30So, then you had another body to dispose of.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36So you locked him in the bathroom...
0:38:37 > 0:38:41..and then, some hours later,
0:38:41 > 0:38:44when we were all downstairs,
0:38:44 > 0:38:46the radio came on.
0:38:46 > 0:38:51I was mystified as to how you did that,
0:38:51 > 0:38:53but now I know.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Very clever.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03The Third Programme...
0:39:04 > 0:39:07..doesn't come on air till six o'clock PM.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12'It was almost soothing, to hold him under the water.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17'And I wished that I could just wash him away.'
0:39:18 > 0:39:23And wash myself away, and wash away everything I'd done.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27And, well...
0:39:28 > 0:39:32If you confess, and repent...
0:39:33 > 0:39:36..God will wash away your sins.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40And stand beside me as I hang?
0:39:40 > 0:39:45If you run, you WILL face the hangman's noose.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51If you tell the police what happened,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54you may get a custodial sentence.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Prison?
0:40:05 > 0:40:08It could hardly be worse than boarding school.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14And if it stops Richie's family from believing the worst of him...
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- It's too late for that.- Sorry?
0:40:18 > 0:40:21It was broadcast today on the radio -
0:40:21 > 0:40:25Richie Queenan committed suicide,
0:40:25 > 0:40:27consumed with guilt for the murder.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30But n-n-no. No, but that's an inaccuracy.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31They can't say that.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34So, folks, I think we all...
0:40:34 > 0:40:36AUDIENCE GASP
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- Hello.- What you doing?!
0:40:38 > 0:40:41My name is Jeremy and...I've come to confess.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44I killed Mrs Rudge.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47And Richie Queenan.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52- # Up to you... # - No, please - you have to hear me.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56And I did it because...
0:40:56 > 0:40:59Bunty Windermere...
0:40:59 > 0:41:02- # Thank you all for tuning in... # - ..I love you.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04# Up to you! #
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- I'm so, so sorry. - Erm, we interrupt this broadcast...
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Shall we go round and arrest him, sir?
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Yes, Sergeant. Obviously.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22What time is our train?
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Why are you asking me?
0:41:25 > 0:41:28- Sorry? - Well, you don't trust me, do you?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30"Where were you on the night of the murder?"
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I never accused you,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35I just don't know why you were keeping secrets from me.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38All right, I'll tell you.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41I'd gone to see a very talented man that lives around here...
0:41:43 > 0:41:45..who makes hairpieces.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Oh, Barney!
0:41:49 > 0:41:51That looks very...
0:41:51 > 0:41:52luxuriant.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55But why did you feel it was necessary?
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Well, you know...
0:41:59 > 0:42:01The star of the show, and that.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04I didn't want people thinking, "Oh, he's losing his follicles."
0:42:04 > 0:42:05But it's a radio show.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07I know.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09But the piano player can see me.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Well, bon voyage.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Yeah, our train's in ten minutes.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Before you go, there's just one thing I need to ask you.
0:42:20 > 0:42:21Yeah?
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Who won the quiz?
0:42:24 > 0:42:26What? I don't know.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29To be honest, I had other things on my mind.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Oh, right.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33Shall we say it was a draw?
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Yes, of course.
0:42:35 > 0:42:36Congratulations, Penelope.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38And you, Mrs M.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Well, good luck with the show.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Thank you very much.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47We're not going to do the show any more.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48What?!
0:42:51 > 0:42:54I've been doing it for ten years now, and,
0:42:54 > 0:42:56well, my heart's not really in it.
0:42:56 > 0:43:01And I've behaved very badly to the people around me.
0:43:01 > 0:43:05That's a very brave decision, leaving a successful quiz.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Maybe today is the day for brave decisions.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15I've been doing the show for ten years too,
0:43:15 > 0:43:20and in all that time, you've been a belligerent bully,
0:43:20 > 0:43:23utterly ungrateful for my contribution.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27But for all that, Barney Butterfield...
0:43:29 > 0:43:30..I love you.
0:43:30 > 0:43:31What?!
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Don't make me say it again.
0:43:41 > 0:43:42They have a train to catch!
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Quite.
0:43:44 > 0:43:45HORN BEEPS
0:43:52 > 0:43:54- Barney:- Goodbye.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Goodness!
0:44:03 > 0:44:06What am I going to do with my Sunday evenings now?
0:44:08 > 0:44:09Well...
0:44:09 > 0:44:12# It's up to you
0:44:12 > 0:44:13# Up to you! #