0:00:17 > 0:00:24This programme contains some violent scenes and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:29 > 0:00:35DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:00:42 > 0:00:45My God, who did this thing?!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Mathilde, speak to me!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# In the darkness, scarce I saw him
0:00:52 > 0:00:57# Man or beast, I could not tell PHONE RINGS
0:00:57 > 0:01:02# Soft his shadow fell before him
0:01:02 > 0:01:07# Apparition born in Hell
0:01:07 > 0:01:11# Ghostly, ghastly, through the gloom
0:01:11 > 0:01:17# He struck me down upon the stair
0:01:17 > 0:01:21# Then a black abyss consumed me
0:01:21 > 0:01:26# When I woke he was not there
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# He had vanished in the air... #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- MALE ACTOR: - But how could he have escaped
0:01:32 > 0:01:36through a locked door and a barred window?!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38It's impossible!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42- #- What evil creature of the night
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- #- Was here and then took flight?
0:01:47 > 0:01:52# What phantom in this chamber Yet may hide?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- #- What demon in his dark domain May yet remain?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59WHISPERED ARGUMENT
0:01:59 > 0:02:03# What secrets in The Yellow Room reside? #
0:02:08 > 0:02:11So, how did that work for you, then, tactically?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You might know the man would try and bite you in the neck.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I might know he'd try and bite me in the neck? No!
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Do we have to assume everyone in the theatre's a vampire now, do we?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Hi, Polly and Jonathan Creek, MMP Marketing.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24we're here to see Zelda Niedlespascher.
0:02:24 > 0:02:2760 quid a throw, you expect a little decorum.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I'd hate to see where they try and bite you in the cheap seats...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Can't you ever turn a blind eye to these things?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36It may not be our biggest account, but very high profile,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and it'll be great to get their creative input
0:02:38 > 0:02:40on the rebranding strategy for next year.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Yeah, well, The Mystery of the Yellow Room? I'm sorry, Gaston Leroux?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Only happens to be one of THE benchmark novels
0:02:47 > 0:02:49of impossible crime fiction.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Whereas THAT was just two and a half hours of complete and utter tos...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Ow!- Polly and Jonathan, hello!- Hello!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh, mon Dieu, quel dommage!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Mais, qu'est-ce qui s'est passe? - On va au theatre, c'est comme la Bataille de la Somme.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I know, I know, you don't have to say it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08My whole interpretation in the gondola scene,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11it lacked phrasing, it lacked modulation, it lacked intensity.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It also lacked the gondola. Did you notice?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Three nights now, Zelda, we have to walk on water because the man in
0:03:16 > 0:03:19the wings with his toy boats can't pull a screwdriver out of his arse!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- What's going on? - Yes, yes, we fix in the morning, OK?
0:03:21 > 0:03:2410.30, all the technicals.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And I cast these people!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32A leading lady with no confidence, a leading man with no patience.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34You want some true insights for your campaign?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37you should come back tomorrow and witness the chaos.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yes, well, tomorrow, sadly, we're out of town, aren't we?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Sunday lunch at Sharon's with their little eight-year-old?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Promised to go and say hello to the new pony.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Or had you forgotten?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50No, no, no. I hadn't forgotten.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Hey, Angus.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- You all right? - Oh, I've got some post for you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Thank you. Night-night, sweetie.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Was it a late one?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Sorry.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39How was your day?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You all right?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57HE GRUNTS
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Stop it. Stop it!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Stop it, get off me! Get off!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What, what? For God's sake, what's wrong?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07What's wrong is that I'm not here any more, am I?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- It's just you and her! - You're wrong.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15It's a sickness, Angus, what's going on with that woman in your head.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And I swear to God, you are going to have to deal with it,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19because I'm sorry, I can't!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No, well, listen, it works for Roger.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I mean, an hour on the train each day, but what's that?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36When you were born and brought up in the country, it's just...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Cos obviously we've only just started looking around, but,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43no, definitely feeling the time's right now to make the move.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Anyway, listen. It's meant the world to her today, you coming over.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Especially after that big upset this week,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52which, I have to say, she's taken amazingly well.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Upset?
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Yeah. Last Tuesday was awful. Her imaginary friend died.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02They were out together playing in the garden,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06and this dragon came down and just completely burnt her alive,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09there on the spot, with its fiery breath.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I mean, horrible, right?
0:06:11 > 0:06:16All that oozing skin, and eyes melting in their sockets?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19But listen - did I tell you?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Ridley's going to be joining us for dinner tonight?- Oh!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Managed to sneak the weekend off from uni.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You know he's been doing this module in advanced criminology?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I tell you, it's like this genius talent he's got for working things out
0:06:30 > 0:06:33from the tiniest details and scraps of evidence.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Of course, that's his big dream, is a career in forensic detection,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40so, obviously, you know, he's desperate to talk to your husband,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- about how to... - Yeah. Jonathan's not a detective.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45No, no. But all those weird cases he's solved.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Yeah, are the very thing we're trying to put behind us, Sharon.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52You know, it would be nice to live in the real world now if we can.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- CHILD SCREAMS - Ripley? What is it? What's happened!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00He chopped the head off my pony!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Chopped the head off her pony?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07What? What?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I was showing her some pictures I took of the two of them
0:07:10 > 0:07:12and I said, "I'm sorry about that one.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- "Looks like I've cut his head off." - How could you say such a thing!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Don't you even THINK before you speak?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19She has a very vivid imagination.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So what does she think I am now, some kind of hit man for the Mafia?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24She's only got to go in the stable, hasn't she?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- See it's still standing there. - Why would she go in the stable now,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30which she presumably thinks is swimming in horse's blood?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Ripley, it's OK, he's fine, he's fine, I promise!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Ripley and Ridley.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39No prizes for guessing what her favourite film is.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:07:49 > 0:07:55# Drifting together in a daydream
0:07:55 > 0:08:01# Floating for ever on a moonbeam
0:08:01 > 0:08:04# Beneath a dark enchanted night
0:08:04 > 0:08:08# Where silver stars Bestow their light
0:08:08 > 0:08:11# Upon the waters from above
0:08:11 > 0:08:14# Where on an evening such as this
0:08:14 > 0:08:16# An angel watching our first kiss
0:08:16 > 0:08:21# Came down and taught us how to love... #
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - SHE RETCHES
0:08:23 > 0:08:25TUBA PARPS OFF KEY
0:08:25 > 0:08:27SHE COUGHS
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Oh, my God! - For God's sake, Zelda!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's all right, sweetheart, it's OK.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36What did I say?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I said we'd not seen the last of that sweet and sour squid.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Just a touch of mal de mer, you'll be fine.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It's not that, Darryl, it's me,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I'm rubbish.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48The things you read now.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Apparently, I'm just this third-rate maladroit soubrette.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Blonde, bland, and blind to her own inadequacies.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Critics! It's the public you should listen to.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Oh, that was the public. That was in the ladies' toilet upstairs.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Written on the cistern, in lipstick.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06TUBA PARPS, SPLOSHING
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Today's fan club, tomorrow's lynch mob. What are they like?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Here.- Thank you.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17I tell you, there's some really frightening people out there.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20OK, first positions then, everyone, let's start again!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Bye, Juno.- Bye.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13DISTANT YELLING
0:10:15 > 0:10:18GLASS SMASHES, DOG BARKS
0:10:20 > 0:10:23DISTANT SHOUTS
0:10:27 > 0:10:30You - Juno Pirelli?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I've got a present for you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34SHE GASPS
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! No, no, no, no!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53No, no, no!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56No! Oh, no! Oh, no!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58What have you done?!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Oh, shit, oh, shit! Jesus, what have you done?!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Get away from her! Get away! Open that door!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- It's OK. - JUNO GASPS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10TYRES SCREECH
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Mmm, smells great. Lovely.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oh, now, please, sugar, don't do that.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23That's only on trees, remember? Come away from there.
0:11:23 > 0:11:29- Epitaph, for her imaginary friend? - No, just likes carving her name.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Which is all very well, but...
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Come on, Ripley, think it's way past your bedtime, so, off you go.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Ah! Here he is, the man of the moment!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- How were the trains? You have a good journey?- Yeah, fine.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Ridley, this is Jonathan.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- Hi, Jonathan, a real pleasure. - Me, too.- Polly, hi.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Hello!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51So, I see you're just back from Reykjavik, both of you?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- Hope you had an enjoyable flight. - I beg your pardon?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Reykjavik? You never said! You see? This is what he does.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01How, I have absolutely no idea.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, come on, you make me sound like some kind of sorcerer!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06When, as Jonathan knows,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09there's no trick to the art of simple observation.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11The abrasions round the side of your neck, quite recent,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13quite deep, and quite nasty.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Something feral at work.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17If not feral, then certainly not happy. A pet, perhaps?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Provoked or antagonised? Or traumatised?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22In your bag, a diary entry, largely obscured, for yesterday.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26A visit somewhere, to a cemetery? A monastery? A presbytery?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29The name, Zelda, a touch too exotic. More plausibly feline.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31A cattery, then, but boarding or collecting?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Allow room for Zelda. where. In a car full of bags?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Returning from the airport, surely?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Why drop a cat off more than 24 hours before departure.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41And a week or two in a kennel would explain the feisty behaviour.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44The watch on your wrist, still set for a previous time zone,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47is one hour behind, which leaves us only Iceland or north-west Africa.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Yet no discernible suntans and that faint reddening of the left eyelid.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56What else but a biting Arctic wind? So, you see.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Really very simple. Anyway, if you'll excuse me a sec while I just, erm...
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Should I tell him it needs a new battery?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Oh, God! Oh, my God, no!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Sharon? What is it? You OK? What's happened?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19It's my dad. He's dead.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21What do you mean, he's dead?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25It just says, "I'm sorry to let you know,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29"he just peacefully slipped away, about half an hour ago."
0:13:29 > 0:13:35- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! - Oh, Sharon, I'm so sorry.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Oh, no!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42You know what? This isn't my phone!
0:13:42 > 0:13:46It must be your phone! Oh, thank you, God!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Thank you so much!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Cos I just naturally picked it up off there and...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54What a relief! I mean, that really scared me to...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59..death.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Oh, yeah, so that's, erm...
0:14:05 > 0:14:06You'll...
0:14:07 > 0:14:09..probably want to...
0:14:16 > 0:14:20It's OK, you're going to be OK.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25Doesn't look like it's deep at all, as far as I can tell.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26It's just a flesh wound.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Thank God.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31The thick coat, I think, took the worst of it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46SHE COUGHS
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Why, Angus? Why?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Y-You have to try and understand...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58She's in this really bad place at the moment.
0:14:58 > 0:15:0216 months. It's not getting any better.
0:15:02 > 0:15:0416 months since...?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09He was barely four weeks old.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Emotionally, she's like...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Everything's a conspiracy, everything's a threat.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20I try and tell her it's all in her mind, this morbid insecurity.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I didn't mean to hurt you!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh, God, what have I done?!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27SHE SOBS
0:15:27 > 0:15:32More time. She just needs more time.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34SOBBING CONTINUES
0:15:37 > 0:15:40No, no, you've done a wonderful job, Mr Partridge, thank you.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- It's just...- I think any more red in the cheeks and we'll be getting
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- a bit Prince Harry.- Yes.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51He just looks a bit... sad, I suppose.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- I suppose you would be. - We can cheer him up if you'd prefer.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Could you? Yes. Just perhaps, erm...
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Oh, God.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Things hadn't been good for some time, but...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Just seemed to go downhill so fast.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It seems like only yesterday he was here
0:16:11 > 0:16:13making arrangements for your dear mother.
0:16:13 > 0:16:1411 years.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Is it really?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21And so, great big empty house there, now.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24What will you do, will you put it on the market, do you think?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, who knows?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Why is everything so hard?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Rigor mortis, I think you'll find.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19How can a house die?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24It doesn't have to. It's whatever we put into it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I'm sure they'd both have wanted that.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35And for the life of me, I'm still not getting this.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You won't go to the hospital, or the police?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Bloody woman needs locking up!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42She needs help! Darryl, if you'd been there...
0:17:42 > 0:17:46And all I could think was, what would it do to me, you know?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49It's like, where is the justice in her life?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Come on, I turn up at A&E now, with a stab wound?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55It's going to be a bit tricky to explain.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57God forbid we ever let a jury near this -
0:17:57 > 0:17:59they're the people that write on toilet cisterns.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Well, you need to get that looked at, young lady,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and by someone who's handy with a needle.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I might know someone. Meantime...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Meantime...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14..you think you might have something?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17For you, my sweet, always.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I'm a magician, you know that.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23When was it, you said, last year in that Joe Orton,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25a certain well-known young actress with a Caesarean scar?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29You had to come up with this special prosthetic. See?
0:18:29 > 0:18:35You star turn! We'll make this work, won't we?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Cos I promised him, you know? For her.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Two minutes for the pasta.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54I managed to cobble a sauce together, of sorts. What's that?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58No, just having a nose around. Found it in one of those books.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Oh, yeah, from the local paper.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Used to keep this next to him, just there on his desk.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Shame about the blasted coffee ring.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Got the look of a halo ...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Yeah, well. To him, she was always a saint.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Oh, God, yes. Ironic after yesterday.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Me with my imaginary friend.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Polly and Orez. "Oreth"?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Name my mum came up with because she was half Spanish.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44Tickled me at the time, all those funny little Latin references
0:19:44 > 0:19:46when I was growing up.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Oh, God, it was never going to be easy, was it?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Come on, shall we... Shall we go and eat?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04# Some mysteries our hearts Cannot conceive
0:20:04 > 0:20:09# And when the story-teller's Tale is spun, and we are one
0:20:09 > 0:20:17# BOTH: What secrets will The Yellow Room reveal? #
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I'm in front of 1,500 people back there, for God's sake.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27This bloody thing keeps coming back on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Night.- Night, darling.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Look, it's ridiculous!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37SHE GASPS
0:21:05 > 0:21:07KNOCK AT DOOR
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Darling, can I leave these with you to sign?- OK.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Some children from my old ballet school.- Just a sec, Zelda.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18They thought you were sensational tonight! When you have the time.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Yes! Surely. - Bye, my darling.- Night, Zelda.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Oh, Chloe! Tu etais parfaite ce soir...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30SHE WINCES
0:22:01 > 0:22:04SHE CRIES OUT
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Juno? Are you all right in there?
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Mon Dieu! Oh, my precious one!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20What in the name of God?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Someone get an ambulance and ring for the police!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- What happened? - She's been stabbed!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31But how? No-one came in or out of the room, I would have seen!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34We all would have seen! There was nobody here!
0:22:34 > 0:22:35The whole thing is impossible!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Why am I remembering that Conrad Veidt silent classic,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43The Man Who Laughs?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46You think they might have gone too far now, in the other direction?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50HE CLEARS THROAT
0:23:07 > 0:23:13Yes, I know, I know. Oh, Jonathan. This is Hazel.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Auntie Hazel.- Hello. - My mum's closest friend.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Just always been around, haven't you?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23For my dad, especially these last few weeks.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I'm so grateful.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31And listen, Polly. One word, if I may, at this difficult time?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Hope.
0:23:34 > 0:23:40You know, it's only a week since I lost my mother who was 86, but...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Doesn't make it any easier.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45And all I'm saying, and I want you to think about this,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48the end can actually be a beginning
0:23:48 > 0:23:51if you open your eyes and your mind, to other possibilities.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57- What are these?- Well. You tell me, Polly, what you see in them.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Angels, ghosts. The spirits of departed souls who just happen
0:24:02 > 0:24:04to have been caught on camera.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06This one just takes your breath away.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09You see there, in the fountain?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11This was my granddaughter, Gracie, who I swear,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14had no idea the angel was behind her.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Although she does say that she felt like a cold shiver
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- on the back of her neck as she was sitting there.- Go on?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Then there was my Auntie Norma here saying a prayer in the sky.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27OK, yes, with her hands pressed together.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29That was taken ten years to the day after she died.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31PHONE RINGS
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- QUIETLY:- Jonathan Creek.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Now, obviously I know, there's a lot of people just think this is
0:24:36 > 0:24:38all completely cranky, but...
0:24:38 > 0:24:43My God! No, that's erm... Yeah.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Distinctly odd.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Hang onto those, I've got copies.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53And I'm just writing you a link now to a website,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- that just gave me so much comfort. - Thank you.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Well, weird or what? That was Zelda.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Yellow Room producer?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Juno Pirelli, the star of the show, is in hospital in a coma.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08They found her last night in her dressing room
0:25:08 > 0:25:11after the performance, stabbed in the stomach.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12And from what she's just told me...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Please don't say it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Not a bloody impossible crime.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Ooh, now, then. Do I hear the words "work experience"?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26They are thinking perhaps some kind of crazed fan
0:25:26 > 0:25:29with an obsession about the story in the show.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31But in the show, of course, we explain...
0:25:31 > 0:25:34The injuries had all occurred before the character went in the room.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Yes, but here only ten minutes before, not a mark on her body.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I saw with my own eyes!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Morning! How are you today, Polly?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Wasn't sure if I'd still find you here.- No, well...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18We were overdue some downtime from the office, so...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Question is, I suppose,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26whether I can bear to imagine anyone else living here.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Or whether it's fate, in a way, that's brought us back...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34You all right today, Hazel? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45OK, OK.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Early intimations only, but... A crime of passion, we can fairly assume.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55A lover, very much her senior, age 50-51, possibly 52.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59A tall man. Somewhat simian in appearance. In excess of 6'.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Disproportionately long arms and big hands.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05And, dare I venture, no mean athlete in the bedroom department.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09We know from the angle of penetration the blade was inserted from below.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11The victim's in a state of undress, yet comfortable with her
0:27:11 > 0:27:14assailant's proximity. They were clearly embracing.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The force of the blow implies recoil. Witness three grey hairs
0:27:16 > 0:27:19on the door where the back of his head made contact.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21The position gives us his height. The colour, his age.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Very early 50s. Any older would make the liaison improbable.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26A dead wasp in the saucer - has to be recent.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28But swatted against the wall too high up,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31too far across, for all but our elongated giant to reach.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The thickness of the magazine he rolled up bears testament
0:27:35 > 0:27:36to the girth of his grip.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37His sexual prowess?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Such an ungainly man surely had some allure.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43As for his means of exit...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Of course.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00She could have climbed on a chair and used both hands?
0:28:02 > 0:28:06And I've seen a grey angora sweater hanging on that hook in there.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10But then, what do we know?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Have to make a start tomorrow, I suppose, on the dreaded clothes.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19If anything's guaranteed to finish me off...
0:28:19 > 0:28:22All these people who talk about catharsis and closure.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27I know. As if grief can be just stuffed into a black bin liner
0:28:27 > 0:28:29and sent to Oxfam.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32You've had a long day.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Come on.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42So how did all that go this morning, at the theatre?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Are you any the wiser about what happened?
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Oh, I dunno.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52What's that about the torch being passed to the new generation?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Think I may just be getting very old.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Yeah, well, I wasn't going to tell you this,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03but while you were there I had another visit from our friend Hazel.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07And if you thought those photographs took the biscuit...
0:29:08 > 0:29:12It's like she had this weird story she absolutely swears is true.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18'You remember last week she told us her mother died?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21'86, apparently, but still had her own house.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27'And after she left here yesterday, she went up to the crematorium
0:29:27 > 0:29:31'to collect the ashes. Took them back there to scatter in the garden.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34'Suddenly, her phone rings...'
0:29:34 > 0:29:35PHONE RINGS
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- '..and they go everywhere.' - Oh, no!
0:29:40 > 0:29:43- Hello?- 'The phone call's from her next door neighbour
0:29:43 > 0:29:45'to say that the cat has got out of the house onto a busy main road,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48'so in a mad panic, she has to dash straight out again.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51'Couple of hours later she comes back
0:29:51 > 0:29:53'ready to clear it all up.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57'Except now they've gone.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59'They've completely vanished from the room,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02'and she's absolutely adamant there was nobody else in the house,
0:30:02 > 0:30:05'it was all locked up, she was the only one with a key.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07'There were no windows open, no draughts or breezes,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09'or anything that could have got to them.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12'It was like, in her words, it was just as if...'
0:30:12 > 0:30:14God must have taken her...
0:30:16 > 0:30:17..to heaven.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21So, is that it then, do you think?
0:30:22 > 0:30:25It's a terrible thing when your mind starts to go.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29And to think what a loyal friend she was to my mum.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35And such a tower of strength, at the end, when she...
0:30:35 > 0:30:36HE SNORES
0:30:43 > 0:30:48# Apparition born in hell
0:30:48 > 0:30:50# Ghostly, ghastly
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# Through the gloom... #
0:30:53 > 0:30:56OK, time to dive in, I suppose.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Is it me or is there something different here?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03This was her last performance, same night as the stabbing.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Off someone's phone in the audience.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Dunno. Maybe not quite the same passion?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Bit of an off-night, maybe.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Hmm. I'll come and give you a hand in a bit.
0:31:21 > 0:31:22No rush.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01How you getting on? OK?
0:32:03 > 0:32:05What have you found?
0:32:05 > 0:32:09I dunno. Looks like a note from my mum just before she died.
0:32:10 > 0:32:11Virtually unreadable.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14I remember she could barely hold a pen by that time.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15"My Dearest Peter,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18"I have just one final heartfelt request..."
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I think that is. "Under the...
0:32:21 > 0:32:25"something, something or other you'll find a box.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29"Please, please destroy without opening. Cathy."
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"Under the thin backroom."
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Bedroom, is it?
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Bedroom! Bedroom...
0:32:40 > 0:32:41- Flowerbed? - Floorboard, maybe?
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Er...
0:32:43 > 0:32:45"Under the third bedroom floorboard,
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"you'll find a box."
0:32:48 > 0:32:49PHONE RINGS
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Hello?
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Oh, hi, Hazel, how are you?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04This afternoon?
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Erm... Well, I suppose I could.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08What time?
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Third bedroom floorboard.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Third floorboard, but from which end?
0:33:18 > 0:33:19Or try both...
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Ahh!
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- Oh, my God! - Is that you in there?
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Yes!
0:33:53 > 0:33:55God Almighty, you scared me to death!
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Sorry, I was just under the third bedroom floorboard.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10This is the third bedroom and this has got to be the floorboard.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13It's the only one that's not nailed down. Fairly obviously.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Maybe he did find it, and did exactly as she asked him to...
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Hang on a sec.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29What did she say? Please destroy without opening?
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Yes, bugger that.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I'm so sorry.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Not really what you wanted on top of everything else.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Two years...
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- looks like this was going on. - Thank God he didn't find them.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19Sounds as if it got pretty heavy, on both sides.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21You imagine?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Behind his back...
0:35:23 > 0:35:24for two years. I...
0:35:26 > 0:35:27I can't believe it.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31And Septimus?
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- Who the bloody hell is Septimus? Septimus who?- Hmm.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52These all her books in this room, I take it.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53What?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57God, you think you know people.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Someone you grew up with your whole life!
0:36:01 > 0:36:03And you realise you actually never knew them at all.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Oh. I didn't hear you go out.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16Yep, just up the road. Had to get an orange, so...
0:36:17 > 0:36:21Right. For any particular reason or just...?
0:36:21 > 0:36:26No. Just when I was in that dressing room I saw something.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Corner of my eye... Didn't sit right.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Sometimes if you can get back in the moment
0:36:32 > 0:36:35and recreate the association, one thing'll trigger the other.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41So where is it you're going again? You did say.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Oh, this Hazel woman. What was that all about again?
0:36:46 > 0:36:47Her mother's ashes.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50She went to collect them the other day, from the crematorium
0:36:50 > 0:36:53- and when she got back... - That was it.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55That was it.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58- Sawjoy. On the picture. - What?
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Signature of an artist on a big abstract painting
0:37:00 > 0:37:01that was on her wall.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04You have to say, that was odd.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Sawjoy? Does sound very made-up.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10What's that got to do with anything?
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Erm, no, the fact that it sounds made-up is not what was odd.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Sorry, you were saying? About Hazel.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18I'll tell you when I get back.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25I mean, no, when you think
0:37:25 > 0:37:29I knew her probably better than anyone, but Septimus?
0:37:29 > 0:37:33No, I never heard her mention that name before, ever.
0:37:33 > 0:37:38- Septimus who?- Well, exactly! And it's all there, in black and white.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Stuff they got up to, you've no idea.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Talk about a shock to the system.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Anyway, look, thanks so much for popping round.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49I do appreciate it. Erm, shall we?
0:37:52 > 0:37:57So, when you said on the phone about grasping the nettle this afternoon,
0:37:57 > 0:37:59what exactly did...?
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Sorry, has there been a power cut?
0:38:01 > 0:38:06Patience, I think, Polly, is all that's required.
0:38:06 > 0:38:07You see...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10..I know she's here.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26PHONE RINGS
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Jonathan!
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Hi, is this a good moment? It's Ridley.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Yeah. Hi, Ridley, How you doing?
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Surprisingly well, surprisingly well.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Though hobbled for a while, I must admit,
0:38:40 > 0:38:44by the ingenuity of a master strategist in this case,
0:38:44 > 0:38:48who relied upon us all accepting the prima facie evidence
0:38:48 > 0:38:50of an attack that took place within the woman's dressing room.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Crucially, the upward incision of the blade,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55which meant the assailant had to be standing close against the victim.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56But did it?
0:38:56 > 0:38:59Take the pieces of this puzzle apart. The direction of the wound,
0:38:59 > 0:39:03the copious bleeding on the floor, and put them back together again,
0:39:03 > 0:39:05and a very different picture emerges...
0:39:07 > 0:39:10..of a lithe young singer-dancer, we know looks after her body,
0:39:10 > 0:39:15and with her nightly work-out presents the perfect inverted target
0:39:15 > 0:39:17for a weapon with a disappearing missile.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Oh!
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Coolly constructed in every sense, who would suspect a crossbow
0:39:36 > 0:39:39firing a shard of frozen blood?
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Designed to kill and then instantly melt away without trace.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46OK? Yeah, er...
0:39:46 > 0:39:49I see where you're coming from, Ridley. I certainly missed that one.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50Elementary, my dear Holmes.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53And, based on some other research, I've got a pretty good idea now
0:39:53 > 0:39:55about the identity of the perpetrator,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58which, with everyone's indulgence, I was planning on...
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Holmes...
0:40:09 > 0:40:10Holmes!
0:40:31 > 0:40:34You know what, Hazel, I really will need to be getting along in a minute,
0:40:34 > 0:40:36- because...- Wait!
0:40:36 > 0:40:38What's that?
0:40:38 > 0:40:39A presence!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43You feel it, Polly?
0:40:43 > 0:40:47Like a kind of faint vibration, almost. In the air.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55MACHINERY WHIRS
0:41:23 > 0:41:25MACHINE BLEEPS MELODICALLY
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Oh, God, are you serious?
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Actually I was thinking I might drop by there again,
0:42:12 > 0:42:16so if you were going to be around then maybe...
0:42:16 > 0:42:17Yeah, OK.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Thanks, Zelda, bye.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24Oh, hi. You were a while.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Things all seem to be hotting up,
0:42:26 > 0:42:28apparently, on the Yellow Room front, so...
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Yes, well, we've cleared up one mystery there at any rate.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35An urn full of ashes she spills all over her mother's carpet,
0:42:35 > 0:42:37went away for a couple of hours
0:42:37 > 0:42:39and when she gets back they've just disappeared.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43Without any explanation. And do you know what it was?
0:42:43 > 0:42:45Robot vacuum cleaner?
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Pardon? A robot vacuum cleaner!
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Do you not think that's the most absurd unlikely scenario
0:42:52 > 0:42:54you could possibly imagine?
0:42:55 > 0:42:56So...was it?
0:42:59 > 0:43:00Yes.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04Programmed for half past three, as it turns out, by the old dear
0:43:04 > 0:43:06- every afternoon.- Makes sense.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08OK!
0:43:08 > 0:43:12OK, well, maybe you can make sense of this.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20On a tombstone in the churchyard directly behind my mother's grave.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23I mean, it can't just be a coincidence.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Except that he died at least three years before those love letters
0:43:26 > 0:43:28- were written.- Septimus Noone.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33No, I'd say that far from being a coincidence,
0:43:33 > 0:43:37it fits in with everything else here absolutely perfectly.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Only, one thing at a time, I'm afraid.
0:43:41 > 0:43:47I'm going to need you to run me back to the theatre, if you would.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Our young friend Ridley's asked them all to assemble on the stage
0:43:50 > 0:43:54at six cos he wants to announce his big solution,
0:43:54 > 0:43:57which, as you can imagine, is completely preposterous,
0:43:57 > 0:44:01but arguably no more preposterous than the real solution,
0:44:01 > 0:44:05which, unfortunately, there's only one way to confirm now.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07By going back into that dressing room. So...
0:44:09 > 0:44:11..whenever you're ready.
0:44:28 > 0:44:29Jonathan?
0:44:33 > 0:44:37(OK, you know what to do. I just need three minutes.)
0:44:37 > 0:44:39(I can't! I can't do this sort of thing!
0:44:39 > 0:44:42(How am I supposed to just suddenly pretend to scream in agony?)
0:44:42 > 0:44:43(I don't know.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46(Remember when you got halfway through Piers Morgan's memoirs?
0:44:46 > 0:44:48(Just call on some of that.)
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Aaaaah!
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Oooh!
0:45:06 > 0:45:09- Oh!- Oh, my God, are you OK, madam?
0:45:09 > 0:45:12Yeah, I just fell down the stairs. Ooh! Aahh!
0:45:12 > 0:45:15Let me take your weight. It's OK. OK.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20- Steady. Up on the step. Let's have a look.- OK.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26I can't believe we're all taking this seriously!
0:45:26 > 0:45:28And who is this Ridley person anyway?
0:45:28 > 0:45:30Well, he seems to be making more progress than the police over here,
0:45:30 > 0:45:32but we have to wait and see.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35From what they're saying at the hospital,
0:45:35 > 0:45:37this could soon be a murder inquiry.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47What are you doing here?
0:45:47 > 0:45:49Rachel, come on!
0:45:49 > 0:45:51Come on.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53This is scary.
0:45:53 > 0:45:54Did you hear what she said?
0:45:55 > 0:45:57A murder inquiry.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03I don't think it's broken. Let's just...
0:46:03 > 0:46:05- Let me just feel.- Ooh!
0:46:08 > 0:46:11My husband's here, thanks ever so much.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14- Yeah, that's great.- Oh, my pleasure. Just take it easy.
0:46:14 > 0:46:15- Thank you.- Yeah, bye.
0:46:23 > 0:46:25And, now, we're looking for...?
0:46:25 > 0:46:29Make-up artist named Darryl Kimble, I think, has to be our man.
0:46:32 > 0:46:33KNOCK AT DOOR
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Hi, sorry, I wonder if you have a minute. My name's Jonathan Creek.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Oh, right, yes. The amateur sleuth who's come to enlighten us all
0:46:43 > 0:46:44about the other night!
0:46:44 > 0:46:46Goodbye!
0:46:46 > 0:46:47Erm...
0:46:49 > 0:46:51Yes...
0:46:51 > 0:46:52It's Darryl, isn't it?
0:46:54 > 0:46:58Fairly obviously there's someone here that you and Juno
0:46:58 > 0:47:01were both really desperate to protect.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04I just wondered how sure you are still you made the right call.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Everyone, can I have your attention, please?
0:47:17 > 0:47:19Let me introduce you, Mr Ridley,
0:47:19 > 0:47:22who is here very kindly to help us resolve Juno's attack.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24Thank you very much.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27OK. I know this is a little irregular.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30But Zelda's very kindly said I might present a few thoughts to you
0:47:30 > 0:47:34tonight, about how I think that attack really took place...
0:47:34 > 0:47:38and, more importantly, who was responsible.
0:47:38 > 0:47:42Someone, I would venture to suggest, who is here with us today
0:47:42 > 0:47:44in this very building.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47In the original story of the Yellow Room,
0:47:47 > 0:47:50the whole solution revolves around an injury sustained
0:47:50 > 0:47:52before the victim entered the bedchamber.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55No way that could have happened here
0:47:55 > 0:47:58because Juno Pirelli had been clearly seen by her director
0:47:58 > 0:48:01minutes earlier, completely unscathed.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04Or was there something already troubling her that night?
0:48:05 > 0:48:09Enough to slightly put her off her game in one or two arias,
0:48:09 > 0:48:12something potentially life-threatening that had been
0:48:12 > 0:48:14very skilfully covered up.
0:48:15 > 0:48:19The name on that picture, Sawjoy.
0:48:19 > 0:48:22OK, slightly unusual, but not as unusual as the position
0:48:22 > 0:48:26in the top left-hand corner instead of the bottom right.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31Made me wonder how easy it would've been for someone in a hurry to have
0:48:31 > 0:48:33taken it down at some point,
0:48:33 > 0:48:36and then put it back again the wrong way up.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12I imagine the artist, Beverley Holmes,
0:49:12 > 0:49:14might have been a little put out, but...
0:49:14 > 0:49:17After that, there was no way for you to get back in there without
0:49:17 > 0:49:20being seen, so whatever it was had to still be there.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35She'd convinced herself...
0:49:35 > 0:49:37she'd convinced me that was just superficial.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42We'd get it patched up, it would heal.
0:49:42 > 0:49:43Maybe...
0:49:44 > 0:49:46Well.
0:49:46 > 0:49:51Guess now we'll never know, will we, whether something else happened that set it all off.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Yes, she was stupid, yes, she was mad.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57But she was mad for the right reasons.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59And thank God for people like that sometimes, you know?
0:50:02 > 0:50:05God bloody bless her, is all I've got to say.
0:50:08 > 0:50:12I'm sorry. Any more than that, you're not going to get from me.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17..that would find its target and then simply melt away,
0:50:17 > 0:50:19completely undetected.
0:50:19 > 0:50:20More to the point,
0:50:20 > 0:50:24who would have a grievance strong enough to construct such a plan?
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Someone, we may suppose,
0:50:26 > 0:50:29on the verge of hysteria. Emotionally unbalanced,
0:50:29 > 0:50:33who was prepared to go to any lengths to wreak their revenge.
0:50:33 > 0:50:37A crime of passion, love spurned, recriminations,
0:50:37 > 0:50:40irrational and real, nausea, jealousy and hate.
0:50:40 > 0:50:45Who else could it point to, but the tuba player, who she'd already...
0:50:45 > 0:50:47PEOPLE SCREAM
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Rachel!
0:51:38 > 0:51:42Yeah, I'm sorry you had to see that.
0:51:42 > 0:51:43Sorry I had to see that?!
0:51:45 > 0:51:48I sometimes wonder, Jonathan, exactly what I married!
0:51:48 > 0:51:51Free admission for life to the Twilight Zone?
0:51:51 > 0:51:56If it's not phantom knife-wielding stalkers or ghostly human remains
0:51:56 > 0:51:59suddenly vanishing in the... Now what are you looking for?
0:51:59 > 0:52:02Ah! I did see it here, I thought I had.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06That web link she wrote down for you.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11If I'm not mistaken, it tells us everything we need to know
0:52:11 > 0:52:15- and all that other. - Oh, God. What?
0:52:15 > 0:52:17A little slower, please, would be nice.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20The letters of Septimus Noone.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22The name, you know I said
0:52:22 > 0:52:26fitted in perfectly well with everything else here?
0:52:26 > 0:52:28Everything from a book collection that includes
0:52:28 > 0:52:30the works of Dylan Thomas and Samuel Butler,
0:52:30 > 0:52:34to that imaginary friend of yours you had when you were a child.
0:52:34 > 0:52:38Easiest thing, I think, would be to make one brief detour on the way back.
0:52:41 > 0:52:42No. My gosh.
0:52:44 > 0:52:45I'm impressed.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49Considering the time it took
0:52:49 > 0:52:52and all the trouble I went to to disguise the writing.
0:52:52 > 0:52:56Of course, I was rather pleased with myself at the time.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58The writing, oddly, I never questioned.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01It was the paper.
0:53:01 > 0:53:06Most people, if a letter's too wide for the envelope,
0:53:06 > 0:53:10fold it a couple of times down the long way and then across.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13Your way's more distinctive.
0:53:17 > 0:53:21I'd say it's verging on unique.
0:53:21 > 0:53:26I'm just writing you a link now to a website that just gave me
0:53:26 > 0:53:27so much comfort.
0:53:29 > 0:53:33Why, Hazel? For what possible reason?
0:53:33 > 0:53:37You don't think we argued? My head against her brick wall.
0:53:38 > 0:53:42And how could I refuse her anything at that stage?
0:53:42 > 0:53:47As soon as she knew her time was running out...
0:53:48 > 0:53:51Believe it or believe it not, the whole idea
0:53:51 > 0:53:53was to try and lessen the grief.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57He'd find the letters, and...
0:53:58 > 0:54:00She just had this horror, you see,
0:54:00 > 0:54:05of him moping about over her memory, for the rest of his days.
0:54:05 > 0:54:09If she could somehow discredit herself in his eyes,
0:54:09 > 0:54:12at the very end, she just thought...
0:54:16 > 0:54:17..well.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20Thank God it never came to anything.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31So, Erewhon by Samuel Butler,
0:54:31 > 0:54:34a place he famously invented, as "nowhere" spelt backwards.
0:54:34 > 0:54:40And Llareggub backwards, the village in Under Milk Wood.
0:54:40 > 0:54:42"Bugger all."
0:54:42 > 0:54:46I know, but how you could just zero in on those two titles,
0:54:46 > 0:54:47out of all this lot.
0:54:47 > 0:54:51Yeah, the rule of three that made it just about plausible.
0:54:51 > 0:54:56Zero. Imaginary friend, whose name, in reverse, meant "nothing."
0:54:56 > 0:54:59She loved words. And playing with words, but...
0:54:59 > 0:55:01trust you to make that connection.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05A name she must have seen God knows how often in that churchyard.
0:55:05 > 0:55:09If she's wondering what to call this non-existent lover...
0:55:09 > 0:55:10Septimus Noone...
0:55:10 > 0:55:13Was actually Septimus No-One.
0:55:32 > 0:55:35So, he'll be back at uni then, now, Ridley?
0:55:35 > 0:55:38I trust he didn't find the whole experience a waste of time.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40Oh, no way. No, no.
0:55:40 > 0:55:43Admits he's still got a lot to learn, but...
0:55:43 > 0:55:47- No, he'll be back. - Oh, good.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50And you've made the right decision, I'm sure, about this place.
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Why would you want to live anywhere else?
0:55:52 > 0:55:53Yes, well, I wasn't too sure at first.
0:55:53 > 0:55:57There's been one or two very creepy moments round here, I have to say.
0:55:57 > 0:55:59Oh, finding those old love letters of your mother's.
0:55:59 > 0:56:02And what was even weirder, the very next moment
0:56:02 > 0:56:06- that halo suddenly vanishing from her photo.- That was creepy.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Like, a coffee ring on the page that was there one minute,
0:56:09 > 0:56:11and then miraculously gone.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14But you know what, some of that lateral thinking must be rubbing off,
0:56:14 > 0:56:18because it was when I thought about that painting being the wrong way up,
0:56:18 > 0:56:21I suddenly remembered that's a, a partner's desk in there,
0:56:21 > 0:56:24which means the back of it's exactly the same as the front.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27And what if the top section had somehow been turned around
0:56:27 > 0:56:29to face the other way?
0:56:29 > 0:56:32Which, guess what, when we checked, is exactly what we found.
0:56:32 > 0:56:34At some point in the past, evidently,
0:56:34 > 0:56:37the desk had been moved around the room, and that page from the paper,
0:56:37 > 0:56:40he put in there to save had just ended up against the wall.
0:56:40 > 0:56:44The one with the ring on it, obviously another copy altogether,
0:56:44 > 0:56:46we just happened to find in that pile of books.
0:56:46 > 0:56:50Except, who would have gone in there to move the top of a desk around?
0:56:50 > 0:56:52We couldn't imagine.
0:56:52 > 0:56:55I mean, there's been no-one else in the house.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58Apart from people like yourself, at the funeral the other day.
0:57:06 > 0:57:10Ridley? I can't find Ripley. We'll have to go. I'm so sorry.
0:57:10 > 0:57:11We'll have to go.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19Ripley?
0:57:19 > 0:57:20Ripley?
0:57:26 > 0:57:28SHE GIGGLES
0:57:32 > 0:57:33Stay there.
0:57:33 > 0:57:36- What shall we do?! - We switch the desk.- What?!
0:57:36 > 0:57:38We take everything off, turn it round, and then it's done.
0:57:38 > 0:57:40- We put everything back.- Fine.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42- This side's exactly the same as this side.- Right.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47- Three, two, one! - Oh!- Oh!
0:58:05 > 0:58:06Oh, God.
0:58:06 > 0:58:08Polly...
0:58:08 > 0:58:10Jonathan...
0:58:10 > 0:58:11What can I say?
0:58:11 > 0:58:12WATER RUNNING
0:58:16 > 0:58:19Listen, I don't know when you're thinking of starting a family,
0:58:19 > 0:58:21but, you know what they say about space.
0:58:21 > 0:58:24No-one can hear you scream?
0:58:24 > 0:58:25Make the most of it?