0:00:29 > 0:00:34So just to fix it, it's Dr Chrissie and Crispin Gilpin.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Too tricky, I'm sorry.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm going to call him Dr Crippen, I know I am.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43He's a wrestling critic for Sky Sports.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Played a lot of golf with my dad.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And she's also a very talented artist.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Working on some big painting for the church at the moment, I think
0:00:51 > 0:00:54she said, so no, they're very nice, very down-to-earth people,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58so there's no way you're going to lower the tone.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I promise.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05A wrestling critic for Sky. That's like pointlessness cubed.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23KNOCKING
0:01:27 > 0:01:30RINGS BELL
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Chrissie? Crispin?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06OK to come in?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11We're a little bit early.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Hello? Anyone at home?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Very odd.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I might just try her studio, which I think is out the back somewhere.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I'll be two secs.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07MUFFLED GROANS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41BANGING
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Oh, God! Hang on a second, hang on!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It's OK, I've got it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Right.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32What's going on?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Ah, Polly! Yeah, sorry, what's going on is we've had a break-in!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Just come downstairs, found these two characters in masks.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Going through the bloody safe. - Unbelievable!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Managed to clobber them,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47got them secured till the police get here, but it's like
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Chrissie says, what if there's more of them waiting in the van?
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Dare say they'll take a minute to get here, but...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56How far is the nearest police station? Got to be ten miles.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Oh, not getting a signal. I'll have to use the landline.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Oh, bugger.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Jonathan?! Whatever you do, stay put!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12There's two burglars in the house, and they could be...
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Oh, good. Well, that's all under control, then?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24We'll just get the sprouts on.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28This is shaping up for a really fun-packed evening,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- I must say.- Better check the safe. - I suppose they've taken everything.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10What does Japanese knotweed look like?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Sorry?- Think I just found some, down in the wood.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16It's absolutely lethal, that stuff, once it starts to spread.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20We may have to get someone in.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23What?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26No, it's just where I broke my wrist a couple of years ago -
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I think I might've just set it off again.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Great.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33PHONE RINGS
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh, hi, Chrissie, hi!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Listen, I'm so sorry about last night,
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I don't suppose the police have managed to...? No, no.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Not sure, but I can check.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Asking if you've any plans to spring the Yorkshire Ripper from jail
0:06:50 > 0:06:53this morning. No, no, I think he's learned his lesson.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Sorry? What time would that be for?
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Oh, no, it's the least we can do! Yes, definitely!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I can't, sadly, but I'm sure Jonathan'll step up to the plate.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Yes. Leave it with me, Chrissie, and I'll sort it. OK. Bye.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17What plate is this I'm stepping up to now?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18The volunteer drivers
0:07:18 > 0:07:21who ferry people up to the surgery for their appointments.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23They're a bit short-staffed this morning,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26and there's a patient of hers, Mr Ipswich - he's about 150.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Obviously I would if I could, but I've got the village hall committee
0:07:29 > 0:07:32at ten, so go on, you'll be rewarded in Heaven.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Mr Ipswich. Why do I know I'm going to regret this?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Morning, Hugh! Are you well?- Hi!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52How's the new arrival, still keeping you both up all night?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Yes. I'm beginning to see the appeal of a manger.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57You must come round, both of you, and say hello.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Alison's practically selling tickets.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, well, put me down for two.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03All looking super-duper.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Yes, they've done a marvellous job.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Wonder why Mr Greeley sounded so down about it on the phone?
0:08:09 > 0:08:15Welcome, everybody. I think we have a quorum.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19If I could start by introducing my nephew, Warwick,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22who's over here from New Zealand for a few weeks.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25He'll be helping us keep track of our discussions.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm sure we've all had a chance to admire the really splendid
0:08:28 > 0:08:30efforts of our builders and design team,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32who've worked tirelessly to give the centre
0:08:32 > 0:08:34here such a facelift.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35ALL: Hear, hear.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37As you know, this has all been largely made
0:08:37 > 0:08:40possible by the generosity of a local lottery winner -
0:08:40 > 0:08:45the businessman and chairman of the Rotary Club, Sir Leonard Corbyn.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48His donation to our project was a handsome one.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52and in recognition of this it was decided - unanimously -
0:08:52 > 0:08:55to re-dedicate the building in his honour.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Which presents us with a slight problem,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59as he's just been arrested, and charged with molesting
0:08:59 > 0:09:03several senior members of the Women's Bright Hour. Warwick?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Yes, details still coming in on this one,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08but it seems to have occurred at a recent garden party
0:09:08 > 0:09:13where his passion for pressing the flesh got a little out of hand.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Oh, please...- And since that news broke, more women
0:09:16 > 0:09:19have come forward with similar accounts of sexual misconduct,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22including a dental hygienist who claims
0:09:22 > 0:09:23he used to put his hands in his pockets
0:09:23 > 0:09:28and...floss himself during treatment, and an air stewardess,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32who caught him once using the vomit bag for other purposes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Yes, well, this is... not a little embarrassing.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Which is why we have to look at some bold cosmetic
0:09:40 > 0:09:43adjustments to repair the damage. Warwick?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Yes, so another name now obviously required.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52And we were thinking, why not the Conrad Bloyner Centre?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Sorry, Conrad Bloyner?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Not a gentleman I'm familiar with.- Well, no,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00obviously there's no such person called Conrad Bloyner.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04But given the letters on the wall out there for "Leonard Corbyn"
0:10:04 > 0:10:08have all been individually cast for us, at considerable cost,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I think it would be somewhat profligate to just throw them away.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13People are rarely bothered about the provenance of a name,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15as long as it's crisp and memorable. Warwick?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Yes, there are other contenders you might want to consider.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23For example, the Orlando Crenby Centre.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28A possible Eurosceptic, we thought, in the John Major government.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Or Rodney Claborn,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35could have been a local soccer hero in the 1950s.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Or what about alternative comedian turned Daily Mail
0:10:39 > 0:10:42feature writer Brendan O'Clory?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I mean, I'd buy it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Yes, look.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50While I agree there's a problem here to be addressed,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I'm not sure inventing local benefactors with silly names
0:10:54 > 0:10:55is quite the way forward, is it?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And if we're talking silly, Mr Greeley, I've got a bone to pick
0:10:58 > 0:11:02with you about this piece in your latest parish newsletter.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05"Subsidence in the south transept of the church.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09"could it be linked to my predecessor turning in his grave?"
0:11:09 > 0:11:12If that's meant to be a joke, it's a rather lame one.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oh, you know what you could have is Ronan Clodbery,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Which would be...
0:11:17 > 0:11:21No, rubbish, the whole thing. Completely ridiculous.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24We've definitely got to...re-think.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Morning! Mr Ipswich?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08You ready?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11It's Jonathan!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Mr Ipswich?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23You ready?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24It's Jonathan.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27SNORING
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Mr Ipswich?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42You all right?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44It's Jonathan.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Come to take you up the doctor's.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53You need any help at all?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Get your hands off.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I've come to drive you to the doctor's. 12:30.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I can't be doing with all that.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I've got to go to the doctor's.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05They'll be here in a minute to pick me up.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Waste of time, there's nothing wrong with me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13And who are you, anyway?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Right, why don't I leave you to get ready, and...?
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Oh, is this you out here, in your younger days? Very impressive.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Very similar to the kind of stuff I used to get up to before...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36THUD
0:13:36 > 0:13:39GROANING
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oh, God.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So what did they say, the paramedics?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Did they think it was a stroke, or...?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55How serious, we'll have to wait and see, but...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It'll be no hardship getting out of that house for a while.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Place hasn't seen a lick of paint since his wife died.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02That's got to be 50 years ago.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Be the perfect time now actually, to try and get in there, while
0:14:06 > 0:14:10he's not around, and blow away some of those cobwebs.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Oh, yes!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Now then, what do you think?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Specially commissioned for the church vestibule
0:14:17 > 0:14:20by our very own Dr Gilpin.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Such a talent. People amaze me.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yes, think I saw this through the window in her studio...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Do you see what she's done? Very clever.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31All the figures in the crowd, she's made into local parishioners.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Mr and Mrs Gibbs, look, from the butcher's.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Mrs Prosser...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Mr Greeley...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Yours truly, and Hugh. And, look!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49She's even managed to squeeze the two of you in at the last minute.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51How sweet is that?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Yes, it's, erm... - Such a cute little twist.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58What do you mean?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Giving you pride of place among the cherubim.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Obviously saw your angelic qualities.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Jonathan, how are you?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Are you well?- Yes, I'm good. Ow!- So sorry!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15No. It's just... since this morning.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I think I overdid it a bit - whacking the ketchup bottle.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- No, it's fine.- Yes.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Shall we, um...?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Oh, isn't he divine?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Well, not literally, of course,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I have to be careful what I say around here.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40And you've got all the toys, look, and gadgets and paraphernalia....
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Oh, gone completely overboard. What do you expect, I know...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Chater, but there appears to be a man
0:15:47 > 0:15:49down there relieving himself against your hedge.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Oh, yes. He looks as if he's starting to flag, doesn't he?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Perhaps I'll just pop down, see if he needs a top-up.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Ah, I feel I must explain.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08This chap, who's come to do some garden work for us,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I happened to mention, we've got a plague of badgers at the moment,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15churning up the lawn every night, he said the one thing that deters them,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19apparently, is male human urine. So...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21What with that, and this other strange creature,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25that's been seen on the prowl... yes, it is quite scary.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Strange creature? - Oh, yes, he's a "beast from Hell"
0:16:29 > 0:16:32according to Mr Stebbings on the corner.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He says he was coming home from the pub the other night,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38and as he passed our house, he saw this huge,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41hump-backed thing crawling across the grass.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Far too big for any dog. Or a small deer, even.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47He says it looked at him through the bushes for a moment,
0:16:47 > 0:16:53with these demonic, glowing green eyes, and then...vanished.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57One for your collection maybe?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Don't they say you're a bit of a mystery-solver?
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Wonder if he could help us, your man, with our Japanese knotweed.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Cos I think we might have a slight problem.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Oh, no, really? You might want to keep that one to yourself.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12They get so much as a sniff of anything like that round here,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14we'll have a mass panic on our hands.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And I know someone else who'll start panicking,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20if we don't let him get his 40 winks.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23So...time to leave you to the Sandman, I think.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Let him work his magic, and bring you lots of nice dreams.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36So that's that, then.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I might as well walk about now with a large white arrow
0:17:39 > 0:17:41pointing at my flies.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44And painted by a doctor! What are people going to think,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I've got some unfortunate hormone deficiency.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You see what I mean, it's very worrying.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- But what do we do about it? - And Ancient Palestine, you can't even claim it was a cold day.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I'm sorry, it's just pure vindictiveness!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Are you listening to me?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Sorry...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Whereabouts? These look like carrots to me.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06They are carrots. And before you ask me why,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08my father would grow carrots in a wood - he just did.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10As long as I can remem...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- What?- No, I just got that thing again.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20That kind of cold shudder I had in the bedroom.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22When he mentioned the Sandman?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Yeah, to do with a dream I used to have.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Like this nightmare...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29..about the Sandman.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Who I know's supposed to be this friendly old character,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34who sprinkles sand in your eyes, and sends you off to sleep.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39In my dream, he's not a nice person at all.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46But this...terrifying figure of evil
0:18:46 > 0:18:48who calls round your house in the middle of the night and...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And does what?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I don't know.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I don't know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04It scared me so much, I always woke up at that point in a cold sweat.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20PHONE BEEPS
0:19:24 > 0:19:27How do we feel about this? Message from Alison.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30She says while he's away in hospital - old Mr Ipswich -
0:19:30 > 0:19:33she's going to get a little decorating party together.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Try and make it a bit more welcoming.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36We'd be up for that, wouldn't we?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Suppose so. 10 Rillington Place would be more welcoming.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Come on, it's what people do.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47You're not living in a windmill any more.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50You have to engage with the community.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Yes, what community would that be, Twin Peaks?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02What happened to that quiet little haven of rural serenity
0:20:02 > 0:20:05we were going to escape to, after a busy day at the office?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06I know.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- You going to be long?- Two secs.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17So, how much longer do you reckon?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Cos I'm slightly going off the boil here.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I know, but very important to stretch before any physical exercise.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Don't want to get cramp.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29It's good for getting the blood flowing into the tissues.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32It's having the opposite effect on me, I have to say.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And will you stop with that constant inspection?!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I'll have a quiet word with her tomorrow,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42get her to put a tiny wisp of gauze over it or something.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Why a TINY wisp of gauze? Why do you say that?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48There's no need to be stingy with the gauze.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Plenty of gauze to go around.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Were you like this as a child?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Insecure or what? - Well, I just think...
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- Oh, this is a joke - surely? - What now?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Latest edition of Mr Greeley's parish newsletter!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"Fears of massive Biblical retribution swept through
0:21:09 > 0:21:11"the village this week,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15"after a local businessman became embroiled in a sleazy sex scandal.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"The Book of Revelation talks of Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse -
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"Death, War, Pestilence and Famine,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25"three of which have already materialised.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"Death - the sudden passing on Friday of Mrs Enid Spackwell,
0:21:29 > 0:21:34"aged 94. War - the boundary dispute over who owns the ditch
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"next to the Angler's Arms. Pestilence -
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"a plague of badgers near the church, and more alarming still,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"the threat of Japanese knotweed engulfing the village!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"It's stressed there is no sign yet of any famine,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"and no reason whatever to resort to panic buying."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Well, we can guess what the result of that'll be.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55How the hell did he get hold of that?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- That is just creepy.- Isn't it?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04As is the curious account of that strange wild beast
0:22:04 > 0:22:07that was sighted in the vicarage garden the other night.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10But there's no account of that in here.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13That is what is curious.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It's all right, darling, it's only the Sandman.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's all right, darling, it's only the Sandman.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's just the Sandman.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53The Sandman.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56It's just the Sandman.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00It's just the Sandman.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Morning!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Thanks a lot, cheers.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Oh, hi, welcome to the Middle Ages!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Think we just found some more bits of Richard the Third
0:23:42 > 0:23:45in the guest bedroom, I can't be totally sure, but...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Wow, he's going to be in for a surprise, when he gets back.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Oh, no, he's well aware what we're up to.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I mean, he was looking a poor old soul last night,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55when I went to visit, but you know what?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I'm hoping this will give him a reason to pull through.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00So, what do you fancy?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You've got five layers of wallpaper in this room
0:24:02 > 0:24:04we are currently chipping our way through.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Or if you want to make sense of all the lumber out there
0:24:07 > 0:24:10which is like bills and bank statements and Christmas cards
0:24:10 > 0:24:11dating back 20 years or more.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Yeah, give that a go. This wrist is still giving me grief.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Can you believe - just from smacking the sauce out?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22How many days ago now?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32So, Astrodamus, what was that,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35some kind of fortune telling act he used to do?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Ringing a slight bell now. - Apparently the world's worst.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41If you read some of those scrapbooks and cuttings,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44talk about him being booed off the stage every night - it's very sad.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Didn't Jonathan used to be involved with that sort of, erm...?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Yes, for years.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53But then, you know, it's that thing with creative people.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55So easy to get into a rut,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58so important to maintain the stimulation...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- As he never tires of telling us. - How do you mean?- Well!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I'm broad-minded, Polly, but there are some things
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I don't think you need to keep sharing with everyone, do you?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10What does he call it? "Whacking the ketchup bottle"
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and "smacking the sauce out".
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What on earth are you talking about?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I think we get the drift, don't we? Scattering his seed?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You want me to spell it out...?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Oh, look, can we just drop the subject?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24And pretend I never mentioned...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Hello.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30What's this?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Looks like some writing.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38"Will Win."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42What will win, I wonder?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Load of numbers.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Must have meant something once, I suppose, to somebody.- Yes...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57- What?- No...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh, no, come on.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Going right off my trolley now, Alison, sorry, but I just have to...
0:26:07 > 0:26:11How many layers of paper are we saying here, five?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14So we're thinking this writing has been under there for what -
0:26:14 > 0:26:17anything up to 50 years?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Oh, well, no, this is really freaking me out now, I'm sorry
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- because...- Because what? - Leonard Corbyn.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Our disgraced local benefactor at the village hall?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29These are his winning lottery numbers.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I mean, all this stuff, this mind-reading
0:26:35 > 0:26:39and astral prediction stuff - is all just a trick, obviously?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- This is a trick. It has to be.- I don't know.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Even if there was any way of faking all that wallpaper - which, remember,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50the whole room's then got to match - how does he know you're going to
0:26:50 > 0:26:54come in here at some vague point in the future and take it all off?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57But to have just come up with those exact six numbers?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Decades before it happened.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Would make the Amazing Astrodamus - AKA Eric Ipswich -
0:27:03 > 0:27:06the most impressive clairvoyant who ever lived.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Small piece of plaster come off here, between the two words.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Still stuck to the paper maybe?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20And that's significant?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Always safe to assume, Mrs Chater, there's nothing
0:27:23 > 0:27:29that's insignificant. You still got that local press report there?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Just said the whole thing was a complete one-off.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"First time ever he'd done the lottery - just went out
0:27:35 > 0:27:39"and bought a ticket, completely random numbers, on a total whim.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43"Said his wife Rebecca, 51 - 'It was such a shock,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45" 'and so unlike him in the first place.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47" 'I'm still waiting to come back down to earth.' "
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Ah!
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Now...
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- I think...- Looks like a small cross.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Oh, good! So that tells us everything, then.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03I think I'm ready for a strong cup of coffee.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10- And? Does it tell us anything? - Well, it depends how you look at it.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Quite literally.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16But it does at least suggest one very slender,
0:28:16 > 0:28:17possible line of inquiry.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21I mean, what on earth do you think we're looking at then, some sort of
0:28:21 > 0:28:25amazingly elaborate set-up, designed to just freak us all out, or...?
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Well.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36A very calculated deception is certainly part of it,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39but...strangely, I can't help feeling it has nothing to do
0:28:39 > 0:28:41with this writing on the wall.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16And now!
0:29:16 > 0:29:19By means of collusion with the celestial forces
0:29:19 > 0:29:24that shape our destiny, I shall make my prediction!
0:29:26 > 0:29:32And place it in this envelope, which I will hand to the lovely Delia.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38And, Jessie.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46If you would peel off the cellophane from that
0:29:46 > 0:29:48deck of playing cards, thank you?
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Break the seal, and carefully slide out the pack
0:29:55 > 0:29:57and place it on the table.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Cut the pack,
0:30:04 > 0:30:08and show the card you have just chosen to the audience.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18SHE SNEEZES
0:30:18 > 0:30:21SHOUTS OF EXASPERATION
0:30:26 > 0:30:30No, wait - that was... Please, don't go.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Please...!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44So he WAS just completely rubbish, basically. Well...
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Anyway, thank you, Mr Greeley, for fishing that out.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50One of his last ever performances, sadly.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Just before he gave it all up to go to work in a bank.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Why all the critics all had to be so cruel... We all have our off-days.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59No doubt this whole affair will be featuring prominently
0:30:59 > 0:31:02in the next edition of your parish newsletter?
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Well... A more astonishing phenomenon would be hard to imagine,
0:31:05 > 0:31:10and when a man of YOUR reputation is baffled, what else are we to think?
0:31:10 > 0:31:15That his powers of clairvoyance were more remarkable than anyone gave him credit for?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18That now, 40 years after Astrodamus retired,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21we may be witnessing his finest hour?
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Erm...I don't think so. Do you?
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Well... Time will tell, Mr Creek.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Remember, not everyone shares your cynicism.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34I think you'll find that round here most people's minds are still very much open...
0:31:34 > 0:31:38to all sorts of wondrous possibilities.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Yes. I had noticed.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05CHATTERING
0:32:10 > 0:32:13In the words of Ebenezer Scrooge - I'll retire to Bedlam.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16That's why we call them your flock, darling, because they behave like sheep.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- Did you get the bread rolls? - Last two in the shop.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Like a plague of locusts had been through.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23TEXT ALERT
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Now, that's awkward. The rector at St Mark's has got whooping cough.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32He's asking if I could step in tonight for their evensong.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Well, how is that going to work with my hospital visits?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38You know Sally and Frida are both tied up on Mondays.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Where are we going to find a baby-sitter at this short notice?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44So, you know where everything is - I'd imagine Hugh's going to be back
0:32:44 > 0:32:48probably nine at the latest, and honestly, I don't think you'll have any trouble,
0:32:48 > 0:32:51- but you've got both our mobiles... - Yes. Yes.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56No, no, if it's of any help to you in your deliberations, be my guest.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59I think those'll be the parish records for the period you're after.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Births, deaths and marriages.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04I'm amazed they were all still here, to be honest.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Well...it's definitely a long shot, but
0:33:06 > 0:33:10pre-Google, I wasn't sure where else to look, so...thanks.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14- Listen, we can't tell you how much we appreciate this. - Our pleasure. We'll be fine!
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Bye, Polly. Bye, Jonathan! You're an angel!
0:33:24 > 0:33:26THUNDER RUMBLES
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Fast a-kip up there now, bless him.
0:33:39 > 0:33:44Such a shame they have to grow up, isn't it? And become people.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54You know, I don't know how you could take offence at this.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56It was so tastefully done.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Yes, I was talking to a woman in the post office this morning who'd been in to see it.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05She said she particularly liked the way my penis followed her round the room.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10What is it you're looking for in there, anyway, or am I not allowed to ask?
0:34:11 > 0:34:14What's that, marriages you're on now? From the '60s?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17It's the most tenuous of theories, but
0:34:17 > 0:34:22unfortunately it's the only one I've got. If I'm wrong, I'm just going to look like a pillock.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24But on the other ha...
0:34:24 > 0:34:26hand...
0:34:26 > 0:34:30Ah-ah-ah! There you go.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Just goes to show, if you look long enough and hard enough, you'll find it.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Hooray! The God particle(?)
0:34:35 > 0:34:36CLAP OF THUNDER
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- Watch your language in here.- Sorry.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Still a long way from locking it up of course, but
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- proof at least we could be on the right track.- Oh, good.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Very obvious to YOUR eyes, I'm sure, but...
0:34:52 > 0:34:54No?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Isn't it funny - you still can't see it?
0:34:56 > 0:34:58CLAP OF THUNDER
0:35:10 > 0:35:14- What?- No, it's... Out there.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16I thought I saw something.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02RUSTLING
0:36:12 > 0:36:15What WAS that? What did you see?
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Too quick. Soon as I got near it was off through the bushes
0:36:17 > 0:36:20and then...I dunno, into those trees somewhere.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25CLAP OF THUNDER
0:36:35 > 0:36:37What IS that?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39It's like a giant paw print.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Not like any paw print I've ever seen.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48This was made by a human hand.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52BABY WAILS Oh...
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Oh, dear... BABY WAILS
0:37:01 > 0:37:05Oooh... Think we might have a bit of a leak here actually.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Remedial action definitely required.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Oh, of course...
0:37:10 > 0:37:15That's exactly it - what's been going on.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Clear as crystal now.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20What is? What have you seen now?
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Nothing we didn't see the first time we came in this room,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25only now of course it's screaming at us.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Yes, well, not the only thing that's screaming...?
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Oh, yeah. Sorry...
0:37:31 > 0:37:32What an extraordinary thing.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36So, what do we think? The plot just thickens then, basically?
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Or not, actually. If you're in any doubt still about Mr Stebbings' "beast from hell"
0:37:40 > 0:37:43then this bin bag should pretty much seal it.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Even the most prodigious of carnivores
0:37:46 > 0:37:49don't tend to be THAT handy with a Stanley knife.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51And you put this together with that handprint over there,
0:37:51 > 0:37:54and the two glowing green eyes...
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Good Lord. What on earth are you suggesting?
0:38:00 > 0:38:01DOOR RATTLES
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Oh, my God, what a night.
0:38:39 > 0:38:44This is doing my nerves no good at all - waking up terrified to death every morning.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Sandman again?
0:38:47 > 0:38:49SHE SIGHS Didn't help, all that business in the garden.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Strange apparitions in the bushes.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54And whatever time did YOU get in finally?
0:38:54 > 0:38:56I looked at the clock, half past five, you still weren't there.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Can't believe you had to go back to that place.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Ferreting around at all hours of the night.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Yeah, got back about... six, I think it was, in the end.
0:39:04 > 0:39:09And how come you're so bloody fresh on one-and-a-half hours' sleep, when I've had eight and I'm wrecked?
0:39:10 > 0:39:12So what am I looking at here?
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Three old Christmas cards from...
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Captain Ian Amery-Cooper?
0:39:21 > 0:39:22SHE SIGHS
0:39:28 > 0:39:32It's a drug, isn't it? We're never going to wean you off.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Pointless, I suppose, to even try.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39Could have been a dead end. There was no guarantee.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43The old mental flow chart. You know, one black bin bag led to another.
0:39:43 > 0:39:4620-odd years' worth of Christmas cards?
0:39:46 > 0:39:48If you're looking for an old family friend,
0:39:48 > 0:39:51- seemed like a good place to start.- An old family friend...
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Who the hell is Ian Amery-Cooper?
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Someone who's going to explain how a set of winning lottery numbers
0:39:57 > 0:40:01were painted on a wall 50 years before anyone picked them out?
0:40:01 > 0:40:03That's what I'm hoping.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05I would try and take you through it, but...
0:40:05 > 0:40:09first day back at the office? I know you don't want to be late.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24Definitely. We'll have that storyboarded up for you by Monday at the latest, so
0:40:24 > 0:40:28- hopefully talking figures middle of next week. Bye-bye.- Bye.
0:41:12 > 0:41:18..By means of collusion with the celestial forces that shape our destiny...
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I shall make my prediction!
0:41:25 > 0:41:30No, wait - that was... Please, don't go.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Yes...
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Yes, yes.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40Thank you, Mr Greeley. That could well be more helpful than you imagined.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43No, no, that's fine. What time would be good for you?
0:41:44 > 0:41:46OK. Great.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49No, I'm hoping actually it'll be very much
0:41:49 > 0:41:51to your advantage, so...
0:41:51 > 0:41:55Yeah. See you then. Bye.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57Very much to whose advantage?
0:41:57 > 0:41:59How did it go with the number crunchers?
0:41:59 > 0:42:04Erm...yeah, good, good, that's all going to work out.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06What are your plans tonight?
0:42:06 > 0:42:09No idea. But I've got a feeling you're about to tell me.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Well, if we can get everything to slot together,
0:42:11 > 0:42:15I think tonight might just see a resolution to our puzzle.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Though I'm going to need a bit of help from you in the meantime.
0:42:17 > 0:42:18Go on.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21I think we've got quite enough ammunition now
0:42:21 > 0:42:24to flush him out, but...
0:42:24 > 0:42:28something tells me that Sir Leonard Corbyn's going to pay more attention to a woman.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36We've definitely come to the right place here?
0:42:36 > 0:42:39As per the instructions.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41- HE SNIFFS - Hmm...
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Think that tells the story.
0:42:50 > 0:42:51HUBBUB OF VOICES
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Mr Creek - good evening.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Ah. Polly, can I introduce Captain Ian Amery-Cooper?
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Mmm... This is welcome.
0:43:18 > 0:43:23Homeless, rudderless, but not yet hopeless, we like to feel.
0:43:23 > 0:43:27And culinary discretion certainly unimpaired. They won't put up with any slop.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Premises far from ideal, of course,
0:43:29 > 0:43:31but until that spanking new hostel lands in our lap...
0:43:32 > 0:43:37So. Yes, I'm sorry I seem to have proved so elusive.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40The "captain" bit had pretty much defeated me.
0:43:40 > 0:43:46Armed forces, serving and retired - not an Amery-Cooper in sight.
0:43:46 > 0:43:51Till it came back to me, a fleeting image of a different kind of uniform in that old bit of film.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54I imagine would have been...
0:43:54 > 0:43:56Yes. My father, God bless him.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59Which is what led you to us.
0:44:00 > 0:44:02But what a strange and convoluted business.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05I've no idea how you made all those connections.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08Obviously very happy to fill in the gaps for you,
0:44:08 > 0:44:11but did you say you'd also invited, erm...?
0:44:11 > 0:44:15Well, not so much an invitation, more an appeal to his conscience, if he had one.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18CAR ENGINE
0:44:18 > 0:44:21And it appears...that he has.
0:44:31 > 0:44:34So, in addition to all the other charges currently being
0:44:34 > 0:44:38levelled against you, Mr Corbyn, would it be fair to add one more?
0:44:38 > 0:44:42The charge of fraudulently depriving this man of his lottery winnings?
0:44:42 > 0:44:45All right. I'm here, aren't I?
0:44:45 > 0:44:47That tells you everything you need to know.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50I never imagined this was going to be pleasant,
0:44:50 > 0:44:55so let's just hear what you've got to say, and skip the rhetorical questions.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01A miraculous prediction, discovered a few days ago,
0:45:01 > 0:45:03of your six random numbers
0:45:03 > 0:45:06was clearly never anything of the kind.
0:45:06 > 0:45:11Odds against that happening would be astronomical, even for Astrodamus.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15But people do pick lottery numbers all the time that aren't random.
0:45:15 > 0:45:18And those numbers come up.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20And the only way this made sense
0:45:20 > 0:45:24would be if the winning line on that lottery ticket had actually
0:45:24 > 0:45:27been chosen in the first place because it appeared on that wall.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30Which would make your claim of a chance selection
0:45:30 > 0:45:33purchased "on a total whim"...
0:45:34 > 0:45:37..suddenly rather suspect.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39And might well raise the question,
0:45:39 > 0:45:43was that gift to the village hall made more out of guilt than charity?
0:45:45 > 0:45:47So what was the real story here?
0:45:47 > 0:45:50The words underneath had to be the trigger.
0:45:50 > 0:45:55"Will win" - just a bit too good to be true.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58But with that little symbol in between them...
0:45:58 > 0:46:02not a cross, I would suggest, but a plus sign,
0:46:02 > 0:46:04all a bit more mundane.
0:46:05 > 0:46:09Two screw-marks in the skirting board
0:46:09 > 0:46:14suggested a nearby phone point in the bedroom, years ago.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17Mid-60s, probably not something that common.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20And then how much of a stretch is it to imagine our young Mr Ipswich
0:46:20 > 0:46:23there one day, redecorating the bedroom,
0:46:23 > 0:46:26walls all nicely plastered, waiting to be papered,
0:46:26 > 0:46:29when he gets a call from a friend in the village.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31PHONE RINGS
0:46:32 > 0:46:34Hello?
0:46:34 > 0:46:36Can I suggest one of your parents?
0:46:36 > 0:46:37My mother's family,
0:46:37 > 0:46:41and my father's, would both have been connected around the same time.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44So we'd be talking three years before they were married,
0:46:44 > 0:46:46five before I was born.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48One of them, at any rate,
0:46:48 > 0:46:51has just called to give him the two new phone numbers.
0:46:51 > 0:46:55He's standing there with his hands full - what does he do?
0:47:06 > 0:47:10So a couple called William and Winifred, as it happens,
0:47:10 > 0:47:13weren't that hard to trace, when it came to it.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17And obvious candidates for the real owners of that lottery ticket,
0:47:17 > 0:47:19if they were still around.
0:47:19 > 0:47:24If not, maybe someone closely related
0:47:24 > 0:47:27who might have kept in touch for a while, at Christmas...
0:47:27 > 0:47:30I never knew, obviously, about that writing on the wall.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32But I'd seen something similar once
0:47:32 > 0:47:36in an address book an old friend of the family fished out.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40The way all those figures fell, and the thing with my parents' names,
0:47:40 > 0:47:43well, it was just meant to be, wasn't it?
0:47:44 > 0:47:47"One day," I thought, "who knows? Maybe I 'will win'."
0:47:49 > 0:47:52And then, after 12 years, every week, of trying,
0:47:52 > 0:47:54the ultimate cruelty.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18INAUDIBLE
0:48:18 > 0:48:20I won't repeat what I said when I watched the draw.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22The following three weeks,
0:48:22 > 0:48:25thankfully, I was out of the country in Southern Angola.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27Helps to put things into perspective, rather.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30The most bizarre thing, you know -
0:48:30 > 0:48:33when something like that lands at your feet...
0:48:33 > 0:48:35'From the way I lead my life,
0:48:35 > 0:48:39'I might have expected some kind of censure or reckoning,
0:48:39 > 0:48:42'but instead, here was this -
0:48:42 > 0:48:45- 'a sudden, overwhelming endorsement.'- Woo!
0:48:49 > 0:48:52- TV:- Coming from now is number 32.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57It's number 47!
0:48:59 > 0:49:04And finally, for our jackpot number this week, it's number 30!
0:49:06 > 0:49:07HE CHUCKLES
0:49:13 > 0:49:17'What other message to take from that but "enjoy"?'
0:49:17 > 0:49:21Foolish, I suppose, to think that's how the world works.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24Much of the time, sadly, it does.
0:49:24 > 0:49:25But that's the challenge
0:49:25 > 0:49:28for those of us who believe in more than this world.
0:49:28 > 0:49:29The sordid question of...
0:49:31 > 0:49:34Yes. Er, no. To be addressed. Sure.
0:49:34 > 0:49:38You said something about a...spanking new hostel.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40Goodness, yes.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42The Bernard Cloony Centre, perhaps.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45Sorry. No. Stop it!
0:49:48 > 0:49:51- ALISON:- Just off then now, darling, see you later!
0:49:51 > 0:49:52Yes, take care! Bye!
0:49:55 > 0:49:56DOOR CLOSES
0:50:00 > 0:50:01Hi, it's me.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Where are you?
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Yes, sounds perfect.
0:50:05 > 0:50:07So...that little thing we discussed -
0:50:07 > 0:50:10do you think now would be the right time to go for it?
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Wonder how he'll be, after everything.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19According to the sister on the ward,
0:50:19 > 0:50:21they're really thrilled with his progress.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24Ironically, once the word got through about this big prediction
0:50:24 > 0:50:26it seemed to be a bit of a turning point.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29She said he's virtually back to his old self.
0:50:29 > 0:50:30Oh, dear.
0:50:30 > 0:50:35No, it's been quite a triumph all around, indeed! Hmm.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Mr Ipswich. Hi, how you doing?
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Exceedingly well, since you ask!
0:50:40 > 0:50:42You remember Jonathan? And I'm Polly.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45He's had quite a busy time of it since he got back, haven't you?
0:50:45 > 0:50:49Visits and phone calls from neighbours and well-wishers...
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Local TV news team,
0:50:51 > 0:50:54cameras and lights, the lot.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57All wanting to know how I did it.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00But that would be telling.
0:51:00 > 0:51:04Yes, I'm considering making a comeback!
0:51:04 > 0:51:05Well, let's not get carried away.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07- What do you mean?- Great idea!
0:51:07 > 0:51:10Whole new fan base out there, don't want to let them down.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Mr Creek was a bit of a sceptic, of course.
0:51:12 > 0:51:16- TEXT MESSAGE TONE - But he's laughing on the other side of his face now.
0:51:16 > 0:51:17That's a mark of your genius
0:51:17 > 0:51:21that even he's had to cry off in ignominious defeat.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24Hmm. Yes.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Mr Greeley, have you got a second? I wouldn't mind a quick word.
0:51:50 > 0:51:54Mr Greeley, much as we all value the role of your parish magazine
0:51:54 > 0:51:56in keeping us abreast of local news,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58I just wondered if you'd agree
0:51:58 > 0:52:01there are certain codes of practice to be observed
0:52:01 > 0:52:03in the gathering of that news.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05Well, how do you mean? Of course,
0:52:05 > 0:52:09one would never want to cross the line into any, shall we say,
0:52:09 > 0:52:10unethical behaviour...
0:52:10 > 0:52:14Oh, good. I just wondered how you felt, Mr Greeley,
0:52:14 > 0:52:16about the professional ethics of,
0:52:16 > 0:52:19for example, hacking into someone's baby monitor?
0:52:21 > 0:52:23Erm....
0:52:23 > 0:52:24How would that work, exactly?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27From your point of view, quite easily, I imagine.
0:52:27 > 0:52:31The stories come in, no questions asked, you just print them.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35Stories based on intimate conversations about badgers,
0:52:35 > 0:52:40and Japanese knotweed, in the privacy of someone's bedroom.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Obviously I can't reveal my sources,
0:52:42 > 0:52:47but it would appear that only 15 minutes ago a "rogue reporter"
0:52:47 > 0:52:49was actually caught in the act.
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Hi, it's me. Where are you?
0:52:53 > 0:52:55Yeah, sounds perfect.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58So, that little thing we discussed -
0:52:58 > 0:53:00you think now would be the right time to go for it?
0:53:02 > 0:53:03The coast is clear.
0:53:03 > 0:53:06I think we can settle this once and for all, don't you?
0:53:06 > 0:53:08No problem. I'm on the case.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12Oh, would you believe it, it looks as if Mr Creek was right.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14MONITOR CRACKLES
0:53:14 > 0:53:18So, you'll be the man who's been going through our rubbish.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23And that large shape that was seen crawling into the bushes...
0:53:25 > 0:53:28..through the eyes of a passer-by
0:53:28 > 0:53:31well tanked up from a night at the pub...
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Not really mysterious enough, did you think,
0:53:38 > 0:53:40to be worthy of inclusion?
0:53:40 > 0:53:43Good grief! Well, I shall certainly look into this one, rest assured.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47And if I hear there's been any hint of chicanery on anyone's part...
0:53:47 > 0:53:50You wouldn't be in the least surprised.
0:53:50 > 0:53:54So anyway, lovely fresh bedroom, Mr Ipswich. Are you pleased?
0:53:54 > 0:53:56Brought you some fruit, look.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59And also some magazines...
0:53:59 > 0:54:01and puzzle books.
0:54:01 > 0:54:04Nothing of any practical use, then.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07And who are you?
0:54:11 > 0:54:13POLLY SHRIEKS
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Want to make this quick and painless.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19Tell us what you got that's worth taking, and where we can find it.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Bollocks to that. Get out of my house!
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Or you'll do what, Grandpa?
0:54:24 > 0:54:25Or I'll do this.
0:54:28 > 0:54:29SHE SCREAMS
0:54:29 > 0:54:31THEY LAUGH
0:54:31 > 0:54:34- Think you'll scare us with a toy, do you?- Why don't we find out?
0:54:35 > 0:54:37Shit!
0:54:38 > 0:54:39Shit!
0:54:41 > 0:54:43GUNSHOTS CONTINUE, GLASS BREAKS
0:54:53 > 0:54:56- Panic over.- Take care. All the best.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09So, Japanese knotweed not knotweed,
0:55:09 > 0:55:13according to our garden expert friend. Just something very similar.
0:55:13 > 0:55:14Panic over, good result.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18What?
0:55:20 > 0:55:23Oh, no, it's just the way it keeps on coming back.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27Goes away for a bit, and then...
0:55:39 > 0:55:43This morning, in that room with Mr Ipswich,
0:55:43 > 0:55:48I just suddenly just saw it. Isn't it funny? The whole thing.
0:55:48 > 0:55:49The Sandman.
0:55:49 > 0:55:53I must have been, I don't know, about five or six.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55I had this rabbit, Twitcher.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03And then that awful thing -
0:56:03 > 0:56:06one day they told me I had to be brave and say goodbye.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Polly...
0:56:08 > 0:56:10INAUDIBLE OVER MUSIC
0:56:10 > 0:56:14This nice gentleman was going to come round, the Sandman,
0:56:14 > 0:56:15and quietly put her to sleep.
0:56:25 > 0:56:28Well, I didn't know what a vet was.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31To me he was just the most frightening person in the world.
0:56:34 > 0:56:36And of course, this is where we buried her.
0:56:38 > 0:56:39I had this stupid idea,
0:56:39 > 0:56:43if we grew carrots here, she'd always have something to eat.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57And that's how it started.
0:56:58 > 0:57:00How many fathers would do that?
0:57:01 > 0:57:03Every year since.
0:57:03 > 0:57:05Right up to the end,
0:57:05 > 0:57:08he's been coming out here and ...
0:57:09 > 0:57:11Scattering his seed.
0:57:14 > 0:57:19Has...she been saying something to you, about...?
0:57:19 > 0:57:20Yeah, where did that come from?
0:57:20 > 0:57:23Some weird remark she made.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26I just happened to mention how my hand was feeling a lot better now.
0:57:28 > 0:57:29HE SIGHS
0:57:30 > 0:57:33One more little mystery, I suppose,
0:57:33 > 0:57:36- I'll get to the bottom of, eventually.- Yes.
0:57:38 > 0:57:39Please don't.