0:00:02 > 0:00:04Did I tell you how grateful I am to you for giving me the strength
0:00:04 > 0:00:05and courage to stop hiding?
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- They're getting "married". The lesbians.- Ah!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- Are you sure about this?- Course.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14You can get on with your work, I'll only be half an hour, 40 minutes.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- What's happened? - Kate's been hit by a car.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I wish you were here.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Do we know any more about what's happened to the idiots that
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- knocked her down? - Oh, did I not tell you?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- They were released...on bail. - Do you really want to marry me?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I've wanted to marry you since I was 16.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Can you, knowing you murdered his brother?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38When you told me about our Eddie,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41that he used to knock you about, I knew.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44That's why I was convinced that you'd done something to him.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I lived in terror every day for years.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- If I had killed him, would you have blamed me?- No.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53But you didn't. Did you?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56"Because murder's murder," he said.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I've always imagined that one day I could tell him the truth.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05And he would understand. But now I know that he never would.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Ever.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05RINGTONE: Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Oh, hello, now what?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Hello?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Mum! Guess what.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12The aliens have landed.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15No, not yet. I've... Well, they might have but no-one's told me.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I've got a new headship.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18I've just had a phone call, just now.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I didn't even know you'd applied for a headship.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22No, well, I didn't tell anyone.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Four months and five interviews later,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I've found out I pipped all the other candidates to the post.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Oh, well...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30good for you, congratulations. Where is it?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33What sort of school is it? Will you get more money?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I'll come on to that. The point is, I'm selling the house.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41We're moving. I've just rung the estate agents just now, so...
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Oh, really?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45'OK, so...'
0:02:45 > 0:02:48So obviously you and Alan will have to decide whether you're going
0:02:48 > 0:02:52to move with me, or move in with Gillian and Robbie, or...
0:02:52 > 0:02:53get a place of your own.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56What's happened?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Well, where is it?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You're not going down south?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00No.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- 'Is it abroad?'- No. No.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It's in Huddersfield.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It's a state school.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10What, like...
0:03:10 > 0:03:14where the ordinary people go?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Oh, hell's bells.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Spit it out.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I don't think it's in a very nice area.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22How can you tell?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Oh, my God! Crow Wood Park!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28That's where Adrian Bottomley got sent when they expelled him.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It's where that science teacher got stabbed last year.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34He pulled through.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I needed a challenge.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Good.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49You can get stale.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Absolutely.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52And that's no good for anyone.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53What do the boys think?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Wow.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Wow.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Also, I decided it was time to put something back.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Back into...- Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08..society. I was born lucky.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10All my life, I've been lucky, so...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12So, when will you take over?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17After Christmas. Spring term. Course, I've got the house to sell.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Find something a bit nearer. I thought maybe round here.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23It'll be a big change.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Yeah.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28And on your own?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Yeah.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32You weren't lucky when Kate died.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I met her. I knew her. We spent time together.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38We had Flora. That was lucky.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Being married to John for God knows how long. Was that lucky?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Gosh. Wow. Well, of course, she started out in the state sector
0:04:54 > 0:04:56all those years ago. In the '80s.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00When we were both young enough and stupid enough to imagine this
0:05:00 > 0:05:04country was capable of achieving something resembling social justice.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Why's he dressed like James Bond?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Why are you dressed like James Bond?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Oh, there's a car coming to take us to London.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I did tell you. Judith's...
0:05:12 > 0:05:15She's been nominated for the Carnegie Medal for children's fiction.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Are you ready?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Him and his little friend better not mess up the house while
0:05:20 > 0:05:22we're out. They do know that, don't they?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Course they do.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27HE MOUTHS
0:05:30 > 0:05:31- Huddersfield?- I know!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33But that's like the dark side of the moon and shit.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It's not, no. It's not. No.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Well, that's well nice.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- I did it because of you, Olga. - Me?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Partly.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Going on about me being a sharp-elbowed, entitled,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46over-privileged - which I'm not, by the way - rich bitch.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48So that's it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51If I want to see you, I have to go to...Huddersfield.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54So you didn't register the bit where I explained that I'm taking
0:05:54 > 0:05:56over a really tough school?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59That I'm giving up my...my also demanding, yet at the same time
0:05:59 > 0:06:01no longer challenging, job in the private sector
0:06:01 > 0:06:02in the hope that I can
0:06:02 > 0:06:04make a real difference to someone one day.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Like you told me I should.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Yeah, whatever, that's quite cool.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I'm not going till Christmas. I still have the house to sell
0:06:09 > 0:06:14and look, this was... It was nice but it was never
0:06:14 > 0:06:15meant to be...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Was it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20CHILD BABBLES
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Here, Mummy.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Oh!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35She says that to everybody.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Ah!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Wow.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What do you think?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09It's...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- It's different.- Morning!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- WORKMEN:- Morning! - Good morning.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Well, your granny and Alan like it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Course, there's a lot wants doing.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21We said that when we looked round, didn't we?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Oh. Did it smell damp when we looked round?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Shall I offer to make these fellas a cup of tea?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Yeah. Shall we let them do a bit of work first, and then?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Sure, I just thought, they'll have been driving for an hour or so.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I'm sure they're used to it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I'm sure they're used to driving much further.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Well, never goes amiss, keeping workers happy.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Absolutely. They are, however, being paid. Quite handsomely.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59They won't be.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02It'll be the company, creaming the profits.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Well, maybe when we've found the kettle, maybe then.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08We've got ours!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11It's always the last thing to pack, first thing to unpack.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14First rule of flitting, knowing where the kettle is.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18These, here, are mouse droppings.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh, my God.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21That is so unhygienic.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I'm afraid it's just me.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34I can handle that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Effortlessly, I appear to have pissed everyone off.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh, it went well, then? The move?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44What're we drinking?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, the usual shite.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I'm thinking about becoming a lesbian.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh, Christ, that's rough.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You will notice I, too, am alone.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Is there anything I can help you ladies with?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Ladies? Who's he trying to kid? Who you trying to kid?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Yes, thank you. A smaller table and a wine list.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06"Damp? What do you mean, damp? I've just paid £1,700
0:09:06 > 0:09:10"for a highly detailed, exhaustive survey, there is no damp."
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Then that was it, she was obsessed.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14We're going to have to rethink the bedroom scenario. I'm sorry.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Come again?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It's all under the window in that room we've been allocated.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20You can feel it. You can see it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- "Allocated"? - Alan will back me up.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Yeah, Mum.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Mum, no-one's been "allocated" anything. You chose it,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29the first time we looked round.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It is... It does seem...
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I do think you've... We've possibly got
0:09:36 > 0:09:38a problem in there with the...the... the...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41It's damp. We can't sleep in there, with my chest.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Your chest? What's wrong with your chest?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I had bronchitis when I was 17.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47You're 78!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Well...yes. And that.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57So my mother has suddenly decided she's Emily Bronte and she's
0:09:57 > 0:09:59got galloping consumption and she's on her last legs.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Obviously, there's your dad's heart condition to consider,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05which is a concern, and so we find ourselves confronted with
0:10:05 > 0:10:07a logistical conundrum.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11The only other bedroom's that tiny one at the far end,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15so it'd make more sense if me and Alan had the one you're in.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, the other big one.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19And you had the smaller one.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Seeing as there's only one of you, at the moment.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Nice. Thoughtful.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I resisted the urge to point out that if they actually took
0:10:25 > 0:10:28the plunge and bought a place of their own, instead of
0:10:28 > 0:10:30persistently hedging their bets between your house and mine,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32it'd make the world a much simpler place.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Why? Why did you resist? Why didn't you say it?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36And then Greg turned up with Flora,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39two days earlier than planned, because this new woman he's got...
0:10:39 > 0:10:40- Bridget.- Bridget!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42..she's basically allergic to anyone under the age of 18.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I'm sorry.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46It's fine.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It's not fine, I wanted to help out.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Is she all right?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53She's just...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57What is up with her?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Bridget? She's just one of those women that's...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01What?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- You know, bonkers.- Hm.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06They were supposed to have her the whole weekend till I got settled in,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08so that didn't happen,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12and then Lawrence turned up, with John and the entourage.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Oh, I love it, Caroline!
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I'd love to live in the middle of bloody nowhere without anyone
0:11:18 > 0:11:20to piss me off every five minutes.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Course, there's a lot that needs doing.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26But I imagine you're on top of all that.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Would you like some tea?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Tea? Are you sure you're not too busy?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41It's not working out, him living with me and Judith.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44He's not happy, he wants to come here and live with you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Well, how the hell's that going to work?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50He can't commute to Harrogate every day
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and he can't change schools, not now, he's just about to sit his A2s!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55He's only got two terms left.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Yes, well, maybe you should've thought about that when you decided
0:11:58 > 0:11:59to change schools.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Look, y-y-you're going to have...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I'm starting this new job after Christmas, I've got Flora to
0:12:08 > 0:12:12think about, I've got my mother and Alan to worry about. I can't start
0:12:12 > 0:12:15panicking about making sure he gets to Harrogate and back every day.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16I know it's not ideal, but it's Judith,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20she's not... She could so easily fall back off the wagon.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23He would have to be at the train station in Halifax at six o'clock,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25every morning, day in, day out.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28That means getting up at five. It's a two-and-a-half-hour journey,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31both ways, and he'd have to change at Leeds.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I have looked into it, I'm not happy that he's not living with me.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And yet, you were the one who decided to move here.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42All right, I'll talk to her again. But he can stay here now,
0:12:42 > 0:12:43can't he, for the holidays?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49What is John doing with Judith?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54I don't know. Who knows? Who cares? Anyway, sod that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Tell me why you're thinking of becoming a lesbian.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Oh. It's Robbie. It's ever since he's retired.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I can't stand it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04I didn't know he'd retired.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05A week last Friday.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Oh. OK.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12And now he's just there...all the time. All the time.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15And if I go out, he follows me. Round t'farm.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I went upstairs for a wee the other day and he goes,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"Where you going?" And, like, suddenly every move I make
0:13:22 > 0:13:23is accountable.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I made a cake on Tuesday - which you may think isn't very me,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28but it's not unheard of - and he's all,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"What you done that for?"
0:13:30 > 0:13:34You know, like I'd just constructed a weapon of mass destruction.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"Because I felt like it! It's a f-f-f...bloody cake!"
0:13:40 > 0:13:44It's like being cornered. In your own...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45head.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Wow.- I know.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- But he's not here now.- Oh.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Just as we were getting ready, getting changed,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55we were in the bedroom.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Why don't you wear that dress?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59What dress?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00That green one.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Because I'm wearing this.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I like that green one.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04You wear it, then.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And that must've touched a nerve.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11He must have hang-ups about his masculinity or something,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13God knows, because it nose-dived into meltdown at that point.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Just leave me alone! All of you!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I'm sick of the lot of you! It's take, take, take!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22"Me, me, me!" Nag, nag, nag, all the time, every day!
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Well, enough! I've had enough!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You can all f-f-f...
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Do one. And don't follow me to the restaurant!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32You go to another restaurant, one I'm not in.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What...did you say to her?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47I just... I don't know. I just suggested wearing a dress.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Her, not me.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51OK.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Yeah. Big.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I didn't realise. No, I mean, I did.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01At the wedding. When you...
0:15:03 > 0:15:07When we... But I guess I thought...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09you'd moved on.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- What did we say at the wedding? - Well, when you...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15didn't want to go through with it and we decided
0:15:15 > 0:15:17it was easier to go through with it than to pull out...then,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20on the day, because you could always...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26..get divorced. Afterwards.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29We did say that.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32We did say that.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37So has everything...been OK?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Up until...?
0:15:38 > 0:15:44Yeah. Yeah. I mean, ish. God, I'd forgotten. That would've been bad.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46On the day. To pull out.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I hadn't forgotten, I'd just...
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Buried it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56I was worried I'd feel guilty, I was worried I'd get obsessed.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- With guilt. About Eddie. - But you haven't?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- No. - So, that's good, isn't it?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Yeah.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yeah.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Hm...
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Yeah.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Good morning.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Alan. How's it going?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's...
0:16:38 > 0:16:43damp. In one of t'bedrooms and we think we've got mice.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Vermin.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Yeah. It'll be smashing once she's...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51we've sorted everything out. There's a lovely view.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54She's in a funny mood, Gillian.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Oh.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03He's driving me up the wall.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06He seems busy enough now.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I keep having to set him tasks!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11It's like having a six-year-old in the school holidays,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14finding him activities so he's not under your feet.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18He'll settle down. It takes a bit of getting used to.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Retirement. It's not as easy as people think.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Especially if you've been very active.- Active?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27He's spent the last ten years sitting in a patrol car, eating pies.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Well, involved, then.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32He needs sympathy, not sarcasm.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Unbelievable.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Did you have a nice evening?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It was just me and Caz. Cazza.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Yeah, I gathered.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46So Celia's driving her up the wall, is she?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48They're as bad as each other.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51I, erm...
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I've got summat to tell you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Proceed.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02It's delicate. Well, sensitive.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06And then there's things I want you to understand
0:18:06 > 0:18:08before you go flying off the handle. So...
0:18:10 > 0:18:11What've you...? What's...? What?
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Me and Celia, we've altered our wills.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I mean, obviously it's something we should've done a while back,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20after we got wed, but we didn't.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Which was my fault, I didn't want to think about it
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- and so we've only just got round to it, what with flittin'.- OK.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32So, obviously...
0:18:32 > 0:18:37before. Before I knew I was ever going to get wed again,
0:18:37 > 0:18:38I'd left it all to you
0:18:38 > 0:18:43and it will still come to you. Eventually. One way or the other.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46But I want you to know what's changed and then,
0:18:46 > 0:18:47we're clear.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49OK.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53What we've decided, way we've arranged it,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57is - whichever one of us goes first, me or Celia - other one'll
0:18:57 > 0:18:58get everything.
0:18:58 > 0:19:04For the duration of their lifetime and then... The point is,
0:19:04 > 0:19:08when the last one goes, whatever's left
0:19:08 > 0:19:11will be divided, equally, between you and Caroline.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17OK.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21So it...will come to you.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27But I just want Celia to be comfortable, that's all.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30If owt happens to me. And she wants same for me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32So, that's it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35What about our Gary?
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Oh, I'm not leaving him anything. He'd not expect it, would he?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Why did you think I'd fly off the handle?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Hang on a minute.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Divided equally?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Yeah.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56But that's... You can't both have brought exactly the same
0:19:56 > 0:19:58amount to the party as each other.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Yeah. Well, no, we didn't. Not exactly, but not far off.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06So... I'm not starting splitting hairs
0:20:06 > 0:20:10and I'm not starting making a record of everything we spend.
0:20:12 > 0:20:18You'll do very well out of it at finish, so think on.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22OK.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23And, erm...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27..the other thing... just so you know...
0:20:29 > 0:20:34..is we want to be buried together.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38We'd be cremated. But then, our ashes,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41we'd like to be in the same grave.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46You can do that, we've looked into it. And Celia's got a plot.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Above Elland. It's been in her family for years.
0:20:51 > 0:20:57So, not have your ashes scattered with me mum? Up Blackley?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Not.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Can you drive me into Halifax if you're not doing anything?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21He's gone off to Gillian's in the Lexus, and it's an emergency.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Why, what's happened?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Maureen Raynor's fractured her hip.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- Who?- Oh...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28she was three years below Alan and me at Elland Grammar.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- You don't know her.- Do you?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32No, not really. But the point is,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36she was giving her Madame Arcati with the Halifax Players,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39and obviously she can't do it on crutches. Well, not with
0:21:39 > 0:21:43the same chutzpah, so they've asked me to step in.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Hang on. Have you ever done any acting?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I played the Angel Gabriel in the infants. Do you know? It was
0:21:49 > 0:21:51three years before I realised he was supposed to be a fella.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Yeah.- There was an article in the Mail.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Or The Guardian - one or the other - about keeping your brain active.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You know, when you're getting on.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Alan does his crosswords, so I thought I would audition for a play.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09This was last summer when we were stopping up at Gillian's.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13You know, learning lines keeps your neurons...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- ..neurinating.- Really?
0:22:17 > 0:22:22Anyway, I didn't get the part. Not that one - Lady Bracknell.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I should've done, dozy buggers.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Anyway, it looks like they've remembered me,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33because now they're in hot water, I've had the call.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35William's dug me out his copy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37So why do we need to go to Halifax right now?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Because they've got a rehearsal in half in an hour at...
0:22:40 > 0:22:44the Pentecostal Church Hall, Skircoat Moor Road, Halifax.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46They need me there.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48The first night's just after Christmas, I've only got
0:22:48 > 0:22:49a week to learn everything.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- You're kidding!- No.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I'll get my car keys.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Are you going to put a bit of make-up on?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I'm only dropping you off.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You could put a brush through your hair as well.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I thought we were in a rush to get there?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Yes, but just in case.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Of?- You know...
0:23:04 > 0:23:05you meet someone.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07What, when I'm dropping you off?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Well, you never know.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10A nice fella.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I do know, Mum. They're thespians, they like am-dram.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16The chances of me meeting anyone I have anything in common
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- with is remote. - They're not stupid, you know.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22No, but they do like dressing up and pretending to be other people.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23So, chances are, it probably won't happen.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I think you spend too much time with Gillian.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27How?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Because you're starting to talk like her.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31It's bollocks.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Robbie.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Robbie!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Robbie?- Jesus!- Shit! Shit! Robbie!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Robbie?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That is a lot of blood.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48OK, OK.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Get in the Landy. Let's get in the Landy. OK?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Up, get up. Come on!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Dial 999, now!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Phone. Phone. Erm, phone.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Bloody hell, Gillian!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I know, I know, I know!
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Come on!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12So the thing is,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14the thing I was coming in to tell you is that... Well, no, the
0:24:14 > 0:24:18first thing I was coming in to say is that I'm sorry about last night.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21About going off in a strop and meeting Caroline on my own.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22I am... I am sorry.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It's just, you know, I'm struggling with this
0:24:25 > 0:24:27retirement thing as much as you are.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29But, then, the thing is, this morning, just now,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32me dad comes in and he goes, "I don't want you biting my head
0:24:32 > 0:24:36"off, I don't want you getting all arsey like you normally do, but,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"when I die, we've discussed it, and I'm leaving all my money to Celia."
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Oh!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I know! They've changed their wills and everything.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46There they are!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It'll all be her idea, she'll have talked him into it,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51the way she has him twisted round her little finger.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I don't mind, I wouldn't care, but with his heart,
0:24:54 > 0:24:58chances are, you know, and she knows this, it'll be
0:24:58 > 0:25:01him that goes first. And does she need all that money?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Any more than he'd need all hers if she went first?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Which I bet she doesn't, you watch. She'll have it all planned.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And what bothers me is,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11if he does go first, which, you know,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13how do I know she WILL leave me half of everything when she goes?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15How do I know she won't just leave it all to Caroline?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17How do I know she won't just spend it?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It could be years and then she could lose all her
0:25:19 > 0:25:22marbles and I've got no guarantees, have I?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Presumably it's stipulated in the will, if that's the arrangement.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29And anyway, Caroline wouldn't do that to you, would she?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I don't feel so good.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36SIREN BLARES
0:25:43 > 0:25:46You are, you're a snob. You're an intellectual snob.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49You think you're better than other people.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Break a leg. - Well, you're not.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Will you need picking up?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55This is typical you, this is.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Anything I do, anything I'm interested in,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01you pour cold water on it and take the...
0:26:01 > 0:26:05piss. You're as bad as your dad.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, hello! That old chestnut.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Well, I'll say one thing for your father. At least he wasn't a...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15(lesbian.)
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Don't let the door hit your arse when you step out.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19You've got that off Gillian.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You really don't have to lower your voice in front of Flora - ever -
0:26:22 > 0:26:24to say the word lesbian.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26All right? Have you got your mobile?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh, I'm not going in.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Why? - Because you're spoiling it!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No, I am not. Don't you lay this on me!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35If you wanted to go in, you'd go in.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40What if I'm not very good?
0:26:40 > 0:26:44You'll be brilliant. Better than any of that lot.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Do you think?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Yes. You're clever.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54If I thought you were going to make a fool of yourself, I wouldn't
0:26:54 > 0:26:56have brought you.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I'd have tied you to a chair at home and made you listen to The Archers.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Now, go and see what they're like.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03If you're not happy, you don't have to stay.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Would you want me to come in with you?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10No. Not looking like that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Enjoy.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25SHE GIGGLES
0:27:25 > 0:27:27PHONE RINGS
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Hi, Gillian.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34How is he?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36They've had to give him a blood transfusion,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38they've taken him into an operating theatre.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- So what's...? - I don't know. I don't know anything!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43They just whisked him off and told me to wait here.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Are you all right?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Yeah. Yeah.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47So what happened?
0:27:47 > 0:27:52It wasn't my fault. I mean, it was, I shocked him, I made him jump.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55But I didn't... It wasn't...
0:27:56 > 0:27:59I mean, I know I was complaining about him last night,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Robbie, but it wasn't like that (business with Eddie.)
0:28:02 > 0:28:04OK.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Did you...? You didn't think that, did you?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09No. No.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11It was just...
0:28:11 > 0:28:12What?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16I don't know. When it happened, I panicked.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21I coped, I called an ambulance and we seemed to be on top of everything,
0:28:21 > 0:28:25even though he was bleeding a lot, and it was just as we were
0:28:25 > 0:28:30arriving, in the ambulance, I was in the ambulance with him, and...
0:28:30 > 0:28:35this paramedic, he was joking, he was trying to keep it light.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39I think it was his way of trying to say, "It's not as bad as it looks."
0:28:39 > 0:28:41He goes, "Oh, another millimetre
0:28:41 > 0:28:43"and it would've been the carotid artery
0:28:43 > 0:28:44"and then you'd have been in trouble!"
0:28:44 > 0:28:46And that... It shook me,
0:28:46 > 0:28:47because...
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I can understand why that shook you, Gillian.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53No. No. No. It's not what you think.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58What?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01It's stupid. It'll sound stupid.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02It won't.
0:29:02 > 0:29:08About a month ago, two months ago, in the barn, again...
0:29:10 > 0:29:13..he got smacked on the head by a log.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14He was chopping wood and stacking it
0:29:14 > 0:29:17in the hayloft, out of the way.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19I didn't think a lot about it, then.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I just thought he hadn't stacked it properly and it was loose,
0:29:22 > 0:29:25but he would've done, he would've stacked it properly,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28and he had a real bump on his head.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32Like...somebody whacked him.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34And then there was something else as well.
0:29:34 > 0:29:40He trapped his finger. This is last summer.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44He was hitching up the trailer and it slipped, and it was bad.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Not this bad, but he could've lost his finger. We were in here, in A&E.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49And now this!
0:29:51 > 0:29:56Some people are accident prone. My granny was, my mum's mum.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57No, that's not...!
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- She was terrible. - It's not...
0:30:01 > 0:30:02What?
0:30:02 > 0:30:05And it isn't just me. Me dad's said it. Before now.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11There's something... A funny feeling in that barn.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17OK.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20So...what are you saying?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22I'm saying, it's a notion I've had for a while.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26But now it's like three things and it's really f-f...obvious.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30He's still in there. Eddie. And I know that sounds mad.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34Caroline, I know there's no such thing, but what if there is?
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I think you're upset. Is there a machine?
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Do you want some tea?
0:31:04 > 0:31:08It's not mad. I talk to Kate all the time.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12I imagine she's there and part of me thinks...
0:31:12 > 0:31:16who's to say she isn't? First time it happened...
0:31:16 > 0:31:20I didn't consciously conjure her up, I just found myself talking to her.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23It was in the bedroom. On the morning of her funeral.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30I think when someone's died like that...
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Death's always a shock, but when it's sudden and it's someone
0:31:33 > 0:31:35who just shouldn't have gone yet, it's...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39You think this is all in my head?
0:31:39 > 0:31:41No, that's the point.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I do - as my mother would say - think there is more
0:31:45 > 0:31:49between heaven and earth than any of us ever really know about.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53But...
0:31:53 > 0:31:55But when you talk to Kate...
0:31:56 > 0:31:59..that's good, surely? It's nice.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Mm.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04This is evil.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08And it's not just me, that's what's weird.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12If it was just me, fine, I'm happy to be considered mental.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16But me dad won't go in that barn after dark.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17Dog won't go in there at all.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I think Eddie
0:32:21 > 0:32:24knows we've got married, me and Robbie, and he doesn't like it.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29And this time... This time, what that paramedic said...
0:32:31 > 0:32:32..Robbie could've been dead.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46And then there was Dave, he's playing Charles.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49He's 57 and he has a bad back.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Charles is meant to be an athletic 40.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56He said to me, "Do you think I'd get away with it, Celia?"
0:32:56 > 0:32:58And I'm going, "Of course you will,"
0:32:58 > 0:33:00lying through my teeth like a silly bugger.
0:33:00 > 0:33:05I said to Gerald, "You do know Charles is supposed to be an
0:33:05 > 0:33:08"athletic 40, don't you?"
0:33:08 > 0:33:11He says, "It's am-dram, darling, you can't always get the men."
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Which one's Gerald again?
0:33:13 > 0:33:15ALL: The director.
0:33:15 > 0:33:20Oh, and he's playing Dr Bradman as well. He's very versatile.
0:33:20 > 0:33:26Janice, she's the one playing Elvira, the ghost, she said,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28"You've saved our bacon, Celia."
0:33:29 > 0:33:32They were on the verge of cancelling the whole thing.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- Did I tell you that?- Mm.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Only, they're already sold out on the Friday night
0:33:38 > 0:33:39and on the Saturday night.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43So...
0:33:43 > 0:33:44So...
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Are we going to the hospital this evening, then, or what?
0:33:49 > 0:33:52I don't think there's any point in us all piling in,
0:33:52 > 0:33:54he'll still be groggy from his anaesthetic.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Yeah, but you don't want him thinking nobody cares.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01You did have a massive bust-up with him last night.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03No, really? I'd forgotten(!)
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Listen, I'd better get back.
0:34:09 > 0:34:10Thanks for coming.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11It's fine. Ring me.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12- If you...- Yeah.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14We'll leave you to it as well, love.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19There's lots that still wants sorting out at the new place.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Yes, the damp and the vermin.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25And I've got all these lines to learn!
0:34:25 > 0:34:27You're going to have to help me, Alan.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30You will give our love to Robbie, won't you, love?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:34:45 > 0:34:46We'll see you up there, love!
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Sure.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57I, erm...
0:34:57 > 0:35:02I told our Gillian this morning about changing us wills.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05How did that go down?
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Fine.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10Fine. I told her about...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12being buried in the same grave as well.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14And?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16She just went very quiet.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I'm surprised she didn't say owt just now, to be honest.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24I think there'll be repercussions when she's dwelt on it.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06BIRD SQUAWKS AND FLAPS WINGS
0:36:16 > 0:36:20I'm not scared of you, so you can shit off.
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Pillock.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27I'm sorry. I am sorry.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31Then going on at me in t'Land Rover while I were bleeding to death.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33- I was panicking.- I'm sorry. - Oh, don't say that.
0:36:35 > 0:36:36I was trying to distract you.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39And last night?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Yeah, I'm sorry about last night.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42What were all that about?
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Just stuff getting on top of me.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Well, don't let it.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say because you're a man.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54And men never let stuff get on top of 'em, so it doesn't affect them.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56You mean, men don't get things out of proportion,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58so it doesn't affect them.
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Phrase it as you will.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04Does it hurt?
0:37:05 > 0:37:06I'm on painkillers.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10You're going to be laid up all Christmas, aren't you?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I'll be as fit as a fiddle in a few days.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16You're going to be lolling in front of the telly, demanding cups of tea.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Oh, God.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- What now?- Christmas Day.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24Ten people plus two babies round for dinner and you're not going to
0:37:24 > 0:37:27be fit to do even basic fetching and carrying.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Raff and Ellie will help you.
0:37:29 > 0:37:30On what planet?
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Caroline will help you.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33Selectively, when she feels like it.
0:37:33 > 0:37:38Your dad and Celia will help you. Everybody'll muck in! What's up?
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Why you so niggly about everything?
0:37:40 > 0:37:42- Because...- What?
0:37:42 > 0:37:43Everything.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47What though? We should be celebrating.
0:37:47 > 0:37:52I've retired, we're expanding the farm.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Life's good. Life's never been better.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Well, today's been a bit weird, but...- Yeah.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Well, then. We'll have a nice Christmas.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14It wasn't just about him changing his will.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18What I was annoyed about with me dad, this morning.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21He wants to be buried with her, Celia.
0:38:22 > 0:38:28They both want to be cremated and then their remains buried together.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33So that's as in, not scattered up Blackley with me mum.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Oh.
0:38:39 > 0:38:40Yeah, but...
0:38:42 > 0:38:47..does it really matter? Once you're dead, you're dead, aren't you?
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Who knows?
0:38:54 > 0:38:55You can't learn all those lines in ten days.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57- Who can't?- I couldn't.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Course you could.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02I hope you're all going to come and see it.
0:39:02 > 0:39:03Hey, bring Angus.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06How can I bring Angus? Angus is 60 miles away!
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Everybody who matters is 60 miles away.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10He can get on a train.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13You think he wants to get on a train to come and watch
0:39:13 > 0:39:15a load of old people twatting about on stage?
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Oi, oi!
0:39:16 > 0:39:18None of us asked to be here.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20You've inflicted it on us because you're selfish.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25That... Whatever I've done, that is no reason to be rude to your granny.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32I can't believe I'm never going to go back inside our house in
0:39:32 > 0:39:33Harrogate ever again.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36You're homesick. That's all, it's normal.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37It'll pass.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41We grew up there. Our whole life was there.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44And now it's a new big adventure.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You want to embrace it.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49I never said a proper goodbye.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50To who?
0:39:50 > 0:39:52My bedroom.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Oh, my God, is he crying? He's crying!
0:39:54 > 0:39:56- No, I'm not! - No, that is priceless.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58- Tell him to shut up. - One for Facebook, I think.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00- Shit-for-brains. - Beano boy.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02- Hey! - Are you six?!
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Are you?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11KNOCK AT DOOR
0:40:14 > 0:40:17Have you not set up your Zbox?
0:40:17 > 0:40:18Xbox.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20- Eh?- Xbox.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22That's what I said.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26You want to set up your Xbox, then you'll feel right at home,
0:40:26 > 0:40:27both of you.
0:40:27 > 0:40:32Cavalry's here! This is Olga, my new girlfriend.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34- Where is everybody?- They're, erm...
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Surprise.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40Don't.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Sorry, the boys are here and my mum and Alan.
0:40:47 > 0:40:48I wasn't...
0:40:48 > 0:40:50I didn't... Didn't know you were coming.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Yeah. It's a surprise.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55- I didn't order this. - It's a house-warming present.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Right, OK. Er...thank you.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Yeah. I nicked it from the basement.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02You didn't! I can't accept stolen...
0:41:02 > 0:41:05God, you are so easy to wind up!
0:41:06 > 0:41:10Right. OK. Well, it's been nice seeing you.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11I'm busting for a wazz.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17Is it all right if I use your lavatory? Your lavoratoire.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Your...Lavoratoire Garnier.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34Yeah, I thought I'd die a widower, but you see, Alan,
0:41:34 > 0:41:38you're not the only one for whom hope springs eternal.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Ta. Here she is! Come here, love, say hello to everyone.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- You all right?- You can be my best man if you want, Alan.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46We've only just met. Outside.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49But it was love at first sight and you can't fight fate.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Not that we could see each other right well through t'drizzle, but
0:41:52 > 0:41:58one flash of lightning and, yeah, I'm a very happy man.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59I like him, he's mental.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Olga!
0:42:01 > 0:42:03Oh, God, babies.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Hello!
0:42:05 > 0:42:08That's Olga, you nitwit, she delivers wine
0:42:08 > 0:42:10from the wholesaler's in Harrogate.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11Have we set a date?
0:42:11 > 0:42:13I'm not doing a right lot tomorrow.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15You've come a long way, love.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Olga. Isn't that Russian?
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Yeah, my mum were really into Olga Korbut,
0:42:19 > 0:42:23when she were, like, ten. When the 1972 Olympics were on.
0:42:23 > 0:42:24Oh, very good.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Eh, how you doing? You all right?
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Would you like some wine?
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Rude not to. So, are you William?
0:42:34 > 0:42:35The bathroom's upstairs.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Sure.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Don't forget you're driving.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Oh, yeah, traffic was bad. And the weather is shit...crap...bad.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45Sorry. Probably best leave it till tomorrow. Now that I'm here.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50We've got damp. And vermin.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52It's the country, I did tell you.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54I told her, I said, I warned her.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58I'm sure they have folk who deliver wine round here,
0:42:58 > 0:43:00without you making Olga trail all this way.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04Why don't you tell Harry about this play that you're doing?
0:43:04 > 0:43:06I wouldn't have thought it was up Harry's street.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Celia's playing Madame Arcati
0:43:08 > 0:43:12in Blithe Spirit, with the Halifax Players.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Oh! She's the one who sees dead people.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17Well, no, she communicates with t'other side.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20Well, that's topical.
0:43:20 > 0:43:21Is it? How?
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Well, it's why I'm here.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25I was thrilled when Alan told me you'd bought this place,
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Caroline, because you do know that this house, your house,
0:43:28 > 0:43:31is haunted by none other than Matthew Normanton?
0:43:31 > 0:43:34Right-hand man to King David himself.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36- Haunted? - King David? Which one's he?
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Who's Matthew Normanton?
0:43:38 > 0:43:39King David Hartley.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41The Cragg Vale Coiners!
0:43:41 > 0:43:45- Who?- It's fascinating, you'll be fascinated. They were all hanged.
0:43:45 > 0:43:46At York.
0:43:46 > 0:43:51For counterfeiting coins. This is the 1780s.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54They devalued the currency of the entire country,
0:43:54 > 0:43:56- they were so successful. - How?
0:43:56 > 0:43:58They clipped the edges off the coins,
0:43:58 > 0:44:00melted down the clippings down, made more coins.
0:44:00 > 0:44:01Does that work?
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Not now, it wouldn't.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06But it did then. Well, till they got caught.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08They were like the Mafia.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Nasty, very nasty, but very successful.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14And this was their stomping ground.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17Yeah, we used to have rogues and murderers devalue the currency,
0:44:17 > 0:44:19now Brexit lot does it for us.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23So...how do you know this place is haunted?
0:44:23 > 0:44:26This is where he was caught, Matthew Normanton.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29They hunted him down like a dog.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32This is after he went on t'run after him and Robert Thomas murdered
0:44:32 > 0:44:35William Dighton on Bull Close Lane, Halifax.
0:44:35 > 0:44:36Is he making all this up?
0:44:36 > 0:44:42No! Is he buggery! But I didn't know that this was the house, though,
0:44:42 > 0:44:44where Matthew Normanton were caught.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46Yeah. Apparently.
0:44:46 > 0:44:48So, who's William Dighton?
0:44:48 > 0:44:50The fella the Mint sent to investigate.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54He had King David arrested and then King David's brother Isaac,
0:44:54 > 0:44:57he got these two to murder William Dighton.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59It were all very high-octane stuff.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02B-But how-how do you know this place is haunted?
0:45:02 > 0:45:04It's only a story.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Well, no, it's not, it's well documented.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10Yes, but the ghost bit is only a story.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Well, he's been seen more than once.
0:45:12 > 0:45:13- Where?- Here.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Yeah, but where?
0:45:15 > 0:45:18Don't start putting lurid ideas into gullible p...
0:45:18 > 0:45:20into people's heads!
0:45:20 > 0:45:21Fair enough.
0:45:21 > 0:45:22I want to know.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24So do I.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27No, no, your mother's right. I don't want to upset folk.
0:45:27 > 0:45:28Tell us!
0:45:31 > 0:45:37Well, apparently, they wouldn't let him in, you see.
0:45:37 > 0:45:43So apparently, gone midnight, his face appears pressed against
0:45:43 > 0:45:46one of these downstairs windows.
0:45:46 > 0:45:52All contorted, greenish hue, screaming to be let in.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56I know somebody who's reckoned they've seen it.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58You remember Joe Sunderland?
0:45:58 > 0:46:00One of his cousins, they used to farm up here.
0:46:00 > 0:46:01This is years ago.
0:46:01 > 0:46:02Which window?
0:46:02 > 0:46:06I've no idea. But the story is,
0:46:06 > 0:46:10he only appears...before a death.
0:46:10 > 0:46:11THUNDER RUMBLES
0:46:13 > 0:46:15I wonder how Robbie is.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18Why didn't you do any research before you bought the stupid place?
0:46:18 > 0:46:24Speaking as a doctor, of science, this is all nonsense.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26It's highly entertaining and no doubt very well researched,
0:46:26 > 0:46:28but nonetheless...
0:46:28 > 0:46:29THUNDER CRASHES
0:46:29 > 0:46:30THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER
0:46:30 > 0:46:33It's only a surge in power! It's all right!
0:46:33 > 0:46:35It happens all the time over at our Gillian's.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37Your trip switch is gone, that's all!
0:46:37 > 0:46:39- LAWRENCE:- Ooh-ooh! - WILLIAM:- Ridiculous house!
0:46:39 > 0:46:40You can shut up!
0:46:40 > 0:46:42- ALAN:- Where's your box with all your switches in?
0:46:42 > 0:46:44I know this. It's actually somewhere really obvious.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47- WILLIAM:- So that's helpful(!) - Oh, my God! Whose is that green face
0:46:47 > 0:46:49at the window, horribly contorted in a silent scream?
0:46:49 > 0:46:53You'll be laughing on t'other side of your face one of these days, lad.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06(Olga. Olga.)
0:47:07 > 0:47:08(Olga.)
0:47:08 > 0:47:10Ohh...
0:47:11 > 0:47:15Olga, come on, you've got to go, you've got to go back to Harrogate.
0:47:15 > 0:47:19You've got deliveries to make, it's Christmas in a few days,
0:47:19 > 0:47:22people will need their, erm...
0:47:22 > 0:47:23alcohol.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25Shit.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27I did tell you not to open another bottle.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30It wasn't just me. There was loads of us.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34Can I make you some breakfast before you set off?
0:47:34 > 0:47:35No.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39No, you've got stuff to do. I've got to get off.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42My brother will have one of his tantrums if I'm late in.
0:47:42 > 0:47:43Can I take this with me?
0:47:43 > 0:47:45- Sure. - I'll bring the mug back.
0:47:45 > 0:47:46Don't worry about the mug.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48I'll post the mug.
0:47:48 > 0:47:50No, keep the mug, we've got too many mugs.
0:47:51 > 0:47:55Well, I'm sorry if I inflicted myself on you. I just...
0:47:55 > 0:47:57I wanted to bring you a present.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59Thanks for that.
0:47:59 > 0:48:00It was very kind.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12Thanks.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16Call me, if you change your mind about shit.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19I mean, I realise that you probably won't, but should the urge strike,
0:48:19 > 0:48:20don't fight it.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Right.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24William's nice.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27Thank you.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32You know, you're a really easy person to like, to begin with,
0:48:32 > 0:48:35but then it becomes like... quite hard work.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38Yeah. I know. You're not the...
0:48:40 > 0:48:43..and you won't be the last, either. Probably.
0:48:45 > 0:48:47You have a good Christmas.
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Thanks again for the wine.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51Yeah. Oh, and good luck with the school.
0:49:24 > 0:49:25Did you sleep?
0:49:25 > 0:49:28Not really. Is the heating on?
0:49:28 > 0:49:32Yeah, believe it or not. I need to get the boiler serviced.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35I knew that, it was on the survey.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37Should've done it before we moved in.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40Yes, love. I've had a lot on.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42Yeah, I know. I get that.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45Which is why it seems like a weird decision to sell up and take
0:49:45 > 0:49:48on this mad job in a horrib...
0:49:48 > 0:49:51Difficult school. And who the hell is Olg...?
0:49:51 > 0:49:52Is she still here?
0:49:53 > 0:49:56No, she's just gone. Just now.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02I thought you thought she was interesting.
0:50:02 > 0:50:03I was being polite.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10She was an ill-advised foray into...
0:50:13 > 0:50:15..God knows.
0:50:18 > 0:50:19And she is interesting, actually.
0:50:19 > 0:50:22There is slightly more to her than meets the eye.
0:50:24 > 0:50:30She owns that wine company, her and her brother. They inherited it
0:50:30 > 0:50:31off their parents.
0:50:33 > 0:50:40She just...doesn't seem to take life very seriously.
0:50:40 > 0:50:44And that... might have seemed attractive.
0:50:45 > 0:50:46Briefly.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55You know, I was amazed.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59When you told me you were leaving Sulgrave Heath.
0:50:59 > 0:51:00I thought you loved that school.
0:51:00 > 0:51:02I did.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06And I thought you weren't supposed to make any big decisions...
0:51:06 > 0:51:09for, like, a year after a bereavement.
0:51:09 > 0:51:12It's been more than a year.
0:51:12 > 0:51:13Not much more.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19And you still feel bereaved. You told me so last time I phoned you.
0:51:24 > 0:51:26Well, why didn't you say something then?
0:51:31 > 0:51:34I suppose I always assume you know what you're doing.
0:52:01 > 0:52:02Come on.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17How long have you got?
0:52:17 > 0:52:21Oh, a couple of hours. They're rehearsing while three, so...
0:52:21 > 0:52:24I thought I might pop into Halifax, do a bit of Christmas shopping.
0:52:24 > 0:52:26- What can I get you? - PHONE RINGS
0:52:26 > 0:52:27That's you.
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Eh?
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Oh!
0:52:33 > 0:52:34It's Celia.
0:52:34 > 0:52:35Hello?
0:52:35 > 0:52:38You'll never believe. Gerald's had a stroke.
0:52:38 > 0:52:40- Who? - Yeah, last night.
0:52:40 > 0:52:44Janice has stepped in to direct, but we've no-one to play Dr Bradman.
0:52:44 > 0:52:48Oh, well, I don't know anyone who...
0:52:48 > 0:52:49So I said you'd do it.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52- Me? - 'Oh, you'd be perfect.'
0:52:53 > 0:52:56- I can't act!- What's happened?
0:52:56 > 0:52:58Surely they've got other folk?
0:52:58 > 0:53:00Apparently not.
0:53:00 > 0:53:04And it's such fun, Alan, and everyone's so pleasant,
0:53:04 > 0:53:06'I'm sure you'd enjoy it.'
0:53:06 > 0:53:08I can't start learning lines at my age.
0:53:08 > 0:53:11'Don't be so soft. Of course you can!'
0:53:11 > 0:53:14Anyway, he hasn't got that many lines.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16You can make half of it up, that's what I do.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19'As long as you get the gist across.'
0:53:19 > 0:53:21I don't... I don't think it's my sort of thing.
0:53:21 > 0:53:22Go on wi' you!
0:53:22 > 0:53:24Shut up.
0:53:24 > 0:53:26It's only acting, poncing about on stage. What's happened?
0:53:26 > 0:53:28Well, if we don't get anybody,
0:53:28 > 0:53:31then the whole thing is going to fall through
0:53:31 > 0:53:34'and it'll be a disappointment.'
0:53:34 > 0:53:37And they've sold all these tickets.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39'Well, will you think about it?'
0:53:39 > 0:53:40What have you got to lose?
0:53:40 > 0:53:43I mean, apart from your dignity and your self-respect.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45Right, bugger it, I'll do it.
0:53:45 > 0:53:46Really?!
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Alan says he'll do it!
0:53:49 > 0:53:51Oh, wonderful. And he has acted before?
0:53:51 > 0:53:52Erm, yes...
0:53:52 > 0:53:55Yes. You've acted before, haven't you, Alan?
0:53:55 > 0:53:58- Well, no. - Yes, yes, he's acted before.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00Anyway, you need to get over here now.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03- Now?- There'll be a copy of the play here for you.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05Right, well, I'll...
0:54:05 > 0:54:07be there as soon as I can.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09Super! Bye!
0:54:12 > 0:54:13Why?
0:54:14 > 0:54:18The things we do for love, eh? You pillock!
0:54:21 > 0:54:24He's in there. I've known he was in there for years, only I've convinced
0:54:24 > 0:54:26myself I was being stupid.
0:54:26 > 0:54:27- In the barn.- Yes!
0:54:27 > 0:54:30- What fella in the barn? - She just makes up stories with him.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34You don't fancy doing this play instead of me, do you?
0:54:34 > 0:54:39- EXAGGERATED VOICE:- He's been working...a bit too hard lately.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41I can't act, any more than you can.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43You need to have more of a manner, Alan.
0:54:43 > 0:54:48These are sophisticated people, they live in Kent for goodness' sake.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51He's bringing a ouija board! We're going to speak to Matthew Normanton.
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Is there anybody there?
0:54:53 > 0:54:56- Oh, shit!- Did you feel that? - People better not be messing about.
0:54:56 > 0:54:58That was when I met Olga.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01- Hi. - So I invited her in.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03You could make a real difference!
0:55:03 > 0:55:05And one thing led to another.
0:55:05 > 0:55:06I've got this thing that I need to tell you.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09- What happens in these stories? - Nothing.
0:55:09 > 0:55:10Someone is with us.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13- Have you done this before, Granny? - Maybe this was meant to happen.
0:55:13 > 0:55:15Stop being weird, Mum.
0:55:15 > 0:55:19Are you a spirit of the departed, passed over from the other side?
0:55:19 > 0:55:22- We should never have got married. - That's just...- He doesn't like it.
0:55:22 > 0:55:26Spirit, spell out your name for us.
0:55:26 > 0:55:27I'm not sure I want to do this any more.
0:55:27 > 0:55:29We're on, everyone!
0:55:29 > 0:55:30Get off me hat!
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Sorry, we have to go in now.