0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- I've got a new headship.- Where? - Huddersfield.- Went well? The move.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- Robbie? Shit!- Jesus!- Shit, Robbie!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- Oh, my God.- Dial 999 now. - He's still in there. Eddie.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Your house is haunted by none other than Matthew Normanton,
0:00:19 > 0:00:21right-hand man to King David himself.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Nonetheless, it's... THUNDER RUMBLES
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I know there's no such thing. But what if there is?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Celia's playing Madame Arcati in Blithe Spirit.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34- We've no-one to play Dr Bradman. - Oh...- So I said you'd do it.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36What have you got to lose?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24John and Judith? Are you serious?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27This is why I'm suggesting doing it at my house, rather than yours.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Greg wants to come and spend time with Flora,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32so that's another reason to be at our house.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- What about... - HIGH-PITCHED:- ..Bridget?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Well, Bridget... HIGH-PITCHED:- Bridget.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41..will be with her parents in Chipping Norton.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Of course she will. Of course! That's where she comes from.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Yeah, so...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49What do you think?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Yeah, let's do it at your house.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Brandy snaps!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Oh, my actual God. Do you remember brandy snaps?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I haven't had brandy snaps
0:01:57 > 0:02:00since I was, like, six at my Auntie Mary's house.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03You all right?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Caroline?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What's the matter?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14This thing happened, and I haven't told anyone.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It's delicate.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17OK.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Obviously, since Kate died, it can't have been easy for you.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29How do you feel you've been coping with your responsibilities here?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- I'm sorry?- You have been an outstanding headteacher.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36No-one here has anything but the highest regard for you.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41However, the worry is that your performance has become...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45"Lacklustre" is too strong a word.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Anyway, we - the governors and the parents -
0:02:50 > 0:02:54wonder whether you would benefit from
0:02:54 > 0:02:58some sort of...sabbatical.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- You're kidding!- And it became clear as the conversation went on...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06..that this was a sabbatical
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- I wasn't ever supposed to come back from.- Why?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11We think we live in such a tolerant society, but...
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- ..you scratch the surface...- No way.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Of course, nothing was said in so many words and I could have
0:03:18 > 0:03:22made a fuss, but I was bereaved. There's the irony.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I was bereaved and I didn't feel up to it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Talk about adding insult to injury.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And I didn't tell anyone
0:03:30 > 0:03:32because it was a conversation I didn't want to have...
0:03:32 > 0:03:35with anyone, certainly not with my mother or the boys,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and so I pretended it was a choice, a bold new adventure,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and now I'm terrified.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'm terrified that I'm not going to last five minutes at this new place,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I'm terrified that they're going to eat me alive.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- No-one could eat you alive. - No, I know.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51When you've got 101 tiny little irritations
0:03:51 > 0:03:54chipping away at your self-esteem...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57however strong you think you are...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59and then you just make...
0:04:01 > 0:04:04..just one or two rogue decisions...
0:04:05 > 0:04:08..and suddenly, you find yourself
0:04:08 > 0:04:11living in a strange house that everyone hates, and you're facing
0:04:11 > 0:04:16a job you're worried you haven't got the stamina for...
0:04:16 > 0:04:17- OK.- ..any more...
0:04:19 > 0:04:20SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Why did you go for such a difficult school?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Well, just after I had that conversation with Gavin,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28that was when I met Olga.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Are you all right?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm really... Oh, my God.- Oh!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That is a £45,000 car. HORN TOOTS
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- Shit! Oh, God! Oh, no. - Are you all right?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I think so. I think so. Am I? Are you?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Weren't you looking?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I thought you were moving off. Were you not moving off?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58There were things coming!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Oh, this isn't happening. Oh, God. - HORNS BLARE
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- Are you all right?- Pull over! - Yeah, whatever. Go round. You can see what's happening, can't you?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You've got eyes in your head. Wanker!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- MAN SHOUTS - You're a stupid arsehole as well.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Bring it on, moron!
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- I am really sorry. - We need to exchange details.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- OK.- I'm just going to take some photos.- Good, good. Good idea.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I've just got to see if my daughter's all right.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24She's not hurt, is she?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- No.- Oh, she's tiny!- She's fine.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28SHE GASPS
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Mummy's just going to be a few moments, Flora.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32We've just had a silly little bump.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- You know, I don't know who I'm insured with.- You are insured?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39I think I'm panicking.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42If you just give me your name and a phone number.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44HORNS TOOT
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- OK, I'm just going to ring the police.- Why?! Why?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- Well, just because we're blocking the roundabout.- Have I gone pale?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Yeah, sit down, put your head between your knees. I'll...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I'll sort everything out.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You're taking this very well.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05Yeah, I'm sorry I said that thing about the car costing so much.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I apologise, I'm sorry. It was unhelpful and unnecessary.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12No, please, don't. I...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14SHOUTING, HORNS BLARE
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Tosser!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17What is wrong with these people?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You really need to calm down.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I am calm!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I am not calm.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- I think I'm going to be sick. - Have you been drinking?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No, no! God, no.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I mean, don't get me wrong, I do drink, but...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- I can drink for England. - Look, look, OK.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I want to phone the police because I don't know what the procedure is
0:06:36 > 0:06:40if you can't move your vehicle, and your van is dripping something.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, no, that's just coolant. I don't think it's petrol.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46It's something coming out of the radiator. It's probably water.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48It's not petrol, it's just...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Oh, my God, it's petrol! Get the toddler out.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Get her out the car!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Right.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Have I spelt it properly?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- What's yours? - It's Mackenzie-Dawson.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Caroline.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13And it's 07700 900 643.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Right.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21So... Flora, she's your daughter?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Yes.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26So, is she adopted?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- No.- Oh!- No.- OK.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Wow.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32So...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Oh, my partner gave birth to her. - Oh.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41OK. Good.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Sorry.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44For what?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Being inept, asking dumb questions.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51No, you're direct. It's good.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Makes life easier.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58So, what does your partner do?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Nothing.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04She's dead.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07So...so you ended up...
0:08:07 > 0:08:11I ended up in bed with her, yeah. Which so isn't me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I know. I know that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I don't pick people up off street corners and end up in bed with them.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Like I do?- No, I never... I didn't say that.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And that's not...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22That's exactly what happened.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25It was a few days later.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27She just knocked on the door.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Hi.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Which was a nice gesture, which she didn't have to make,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35so I invited her in.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And, erm, we had...we had...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Well, it was a Friday night, so we had some of the wine.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Maybe two bottles.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- I mean, it was good wine. - That's all that matters.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49And, um...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Yeah... She... We...
0:08:52 > 0:08:53One thing led to another.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I've got this thing that I need to tell you.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58What?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- You know when I went into the back of you? I mean, on the road.- Yeah.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- I was texting.- Oh.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I just need to get that off my chest
0:09:11 > 0:09:13because it really shouldn't have happened,
0:09:13 > 0:09:17especially with Flora in the back and everything. So...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- I'm sorry.- It's OK.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Really?- Yeah.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29God, she's a stupid bitch.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Sorry, who is?- Oh, my girlfriend.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36That's who I was texting. She drives me up the wall.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Trust it to be her that I'm texting
0:09:39 > 0:09:41when I smash into the back of a £90 million car.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Sorry...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48You've just apologised to me because you were texting
0:09:48 > 0:09:52and then you blithely go and mention to me that you've got a girlfriend?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Ex. Ex!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Did I not say ex? No, we split up.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58When?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59SHE SIGHS
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Day before yesterday. She dumped me.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Why?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Because...
0:10:08 > 0:10:12..she thought I'd been seeing someone.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14And had you?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20So obviously I'm someone she's just picked up on the rebound
0:10:20 > 0:10:23from a shit-storm of entanglement.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26So then I felt like I'd been unfaithful to Kate,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28and if I was going to do something like that,
0:10:28 > 0:10:29it should have meant more.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I should've been more discerning.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I should... Why am I telling you this?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Oh, yes, Olga is intelligent, cultured,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39but entirely uneducated, her and her brother.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40- Sod 'em!- Yeah, I know.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- You know what you should do?- What?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47You should work in the state sector.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49You're needed.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I had a really shit education.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55You know, our dumb parents lurched from one bad enterprise to another,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58which meant we never had any money, despite being posh.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00So we ended up down the local comp.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03That's where I learned to talk like this. I hated it!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Half the staff, they didn't know what they were talking about.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And the other half,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10they were so overworked
0:11:10 > 0:11:14and all so thoroughly demoralised.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17God, they reeked of it. They stank of it.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Oh, and then this really crap, useless headteacher,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23who never spoke to any of us
0:11:23 > 0:11:27because he was too busy having a breakdown...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Go and work in a state school.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31In a school in a poor area.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35In a school that really needs someone like you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38You could make a real difference!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Can you imagine?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42If kids in state schools had the kind of teachers
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- that someone like you could attract...- Yes, it's... It's...
0:11:48 > 0:11:49It's not that simple.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Of course it isn't. It takes a lot of people to make a real difference.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58But where do you start, if it's not with someone like you?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Maybe this was meant to happen.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06God, yeah!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07No, Caroline!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Maybe...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12..she's right.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Maybe this was meant to happen.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Don't tell anyone.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Men are worse than women, you know,
0:12:25 > 0:12:30especially highly strung men, like your husband...
0:12:31 > 0:12:33..is.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Is he so highly strung, do you think?- Yes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Erm...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I need to talk to you about that.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46He's been working a bit too hard lately.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49You do know you're paraphrasing?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Remorselessly, as Gerald would say.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yeah, but I'm getting gist across.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57You need to have more of a manner, Alan, you know?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00These are sophisticated people.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04They live in Kent, for goodness' sake. It's the 1940s.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I don't know...
0:13:06 > 0:13:11I've driven through Kent, you know, once in the 1970s.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12That's different.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15And who are these people? I don't know who these people are.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19They've got a maid, a cook that they treat like dirt.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Neither of them seem to go out to work.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Don't they know there's a war on?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- I mean, that's not even mentioned. - It's a comedy!
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Get on board. Come on, let's keep going.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33POSH VOICE: Is he so highly strung, do you think?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- POSH VOICE: - I'm afraid he's been working
0:13:37 > 0:13:39a bit too hard lately.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42NORMAL VOICE: Been OVERWORKING lately.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- POSH VOICE: - Been overworking lately.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46"Overwarking"?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- NORMAL VOICE:- Oh...
0:13:48 > 0:13:54Eh? Eh? Summat about in a nervous condition but nowt serious.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I think that's as far as I've got.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Right, well, that's the scene you're going to be rehearsing tonight.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Janice'll want you on top of your lines.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I'll be on top of my lines.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06- I've said I'll do it. - Bye!- >
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- And I'll do it properly. - The news is good.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Angus has passed his test and he's driving over on Christmas Day
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- to get away from his mental parents. - Oh, yippee.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Well, you better tell Gillian or your mother,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18whoever's doing the cooking.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- We've already got a full house. - Good. They won't notice one more.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24We'll be off out in his jalopy as soon as he gets here.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, that'll make your mother happy(!)
0:14:26 > 0:14:31You and Angus the nitwit taking hairpin bends at breakneck speed
0:14:31 > 0:14:33across the moors in a car with no brakes.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Oh, and he's bringing a ouija board.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38We're going to speak to Matthew Normanton.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Where did he get a ouija board from? - Amazon.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41You can join in, if you want.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Like, method acting with this old bag woman
0:14:44 > 0:14:46you're playing in this play.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Go on, then.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Grandad.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- No, you can't. - What's she wanting?- Grandad.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- She wants Robbie to carry her.- He can't, chicken. He's hurt his neck.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Strictly speaking, Grandma hurt his neck, but we won't dwell on it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Never going to let it drop.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08In the barn.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- Yes, that's right.- In the barn. - That's right. In the barn.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- She's not on about him again! - She loves him.- Who?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- The fellow in the barn. - What fellow in the barn?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- It's just this idea she's got. - Of a fellow in the barn?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Just one of her imaginary friends. - What does he look like?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- What's he said to her? - Mum, it's a joke, it's pretend.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Yeah, but it's not a joke if she thinks he exists.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Does he have a name?- Grandad.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Yeah, in her little pixie head he exists.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Nowhere else.- So what has she said about him?- Nothing!- Ellie!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- She just makes up stories with him. - With him?- About him.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- What happens in these stories? - Nothing! It's nowt.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Are we going to Caroline's, or what?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Yeah. Stop being weird, Mum. - Get in.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:13- OK, are you ready?- Shh.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Theresa May?- I don't know what you're doing. What are you doing?
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- I know who it is. - They're hopeless!- It's obvious.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25It's obvious to me who it is.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Ethelred the Unready.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Enid Blyton.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Erm... Oh, Michael McIntyre.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33What's-her-name off The Magic Roundabout?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- You're just reeling off names now. - Well, it's one way.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Is it...
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Oh, are you cooking something? You've baked a cake. Nigella Lawson.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Jamie Oliver. Fanny Cradock.- Who?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46It's got to be a name that's already been!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- Talking, you're talking. You're not allowed to talk, Celia.- Oh, Jesus.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Oh, yeah, him!
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- So sad.- Minute's up. Stop. - ALL:- Aw...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58They all get it. How come you can't?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Well, it would help if one-third of the women's team wasn't babies,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and the other third weren't outside having a fag,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05or whatever it is they think they're doing.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- ALL:- Oo-oo-ooh!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I've got this thing I'd like to get off my chest.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13OK.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15The afterlife.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh, yeah.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Me dad told me about
0:17:18 > 0:17:24him and your mum wanting to be buried together whenever...
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Yes.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You knew?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Yeah.- Well, I suppose it's different for you.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Your mum and dad never got on, did they?
0:17:38 > 0:17:43So they might not want to be together for ever in eternity.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45But it's...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48It's bothered me about mine.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53But then we now know he was unfaithful to her, so...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Maybe she wouldn't have wanted that anyway now, so...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, I don't know.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Sorry, I should've told you.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07So, when did you know?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10When they altered their wills last summer.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I'm my mother's executor, so I had to sign something.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- May, June, around then. - You're an executor?- Yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25GEARS CRUNCH
0:18:27 > 0:18:28TYRES SCREECH
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Here he is!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Better start the washing up.- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Did you, erm, bring the stuff?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44£9.99.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52We're having a seance when it gets dark. Do you want to play...join in?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Yeah. Why not?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Ah.- Hello.- Is there any more...
0:19:04 > 0:19:09- I thought you'd come to help me with the washing up.- Oh, yeah. Can do.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Um...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Why are you here? - To be with the boys.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18No, really.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Oh...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24You think this is me desperately needing to be with other people
0:19:24 > 0:19:28on Christmas Day because I can't stand being on my own with her? No!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Not in the least.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Since she stopped drinking, well, some days it's touch and go,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36but on the whole...
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I think we're actually pretty well matched. She's great fun.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Very clever.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45No, I often think, as I'm sure you do,
0:19:45 > 0:19:50that things always tend to work out for the best...in the end.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55One way and another.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Good.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, good.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Good.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I'm pleased for you.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29TV ON IN THE BACKGROUND
0:20:37 > 0:20:41You don't fancy doing this play instead of me, do you?
0:20:41 > 0:20:46- Playing this Dr Bradman fellow? - Me?- Yeah.- I can't act
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- any more than you can.- Well, I don't think that matters, as such.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- It's only am-dram. - Well, no, I don't fancy doing it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Aye. Well, you shouldn't have been
0:21:01 > 0:21:04so keen to say yes just to make some damn silly point, should you?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I didn't want Celia to be disappointed if it all fell through.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- You'll be all right. - I keep having nightmares.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17We're standing in the wings and I'm in costume
0:21:17 > 0:21:21and I'm just about to step on stage and, God knows why,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23it's only then I realise
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I've never actually sat down and learned the lines.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- None of them.- Ooh, shit.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I know.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I've had it three times now.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You only got the part two days ago.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yeah, but I have naps.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Well, it's only a dream. It's probably normal.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I bet Laurence Olivier were the same.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- Go on.- What?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You do it. You'll be better than me.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- No.- Think about it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56No.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Is there a gardener?- Eh?- In the play, is there a gardener?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14No. Not that I know of.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Why?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I could be a gardener.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20There isn't a gardener.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- I'd be a good gardener. - There isn't one.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Well, happen there should be. - Well, there isn't.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Well, happen somebody should write one in, then.- He's dead.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Who is?- The fella that wrote it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Noel.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Yeah, him.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'd make a good gardener.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45This doctor, happen he does a bit of gardening in his spare time.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Happen you could think of him more as a gardener than a doctor.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Bugger off. I'm not falling for that. A doctor's a doctor.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- I know what you should do.- What? - Play it for laughs.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Get a big set of false teeth, like that vicar Dick Emery used to do,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10and talk like a silly arse. It would bring the house down. It will.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13That's what you need. A gimmick. A thing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17You could do a limp, something like that. You could be a bit pissed.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Play him pissed. A pissed doctor. That'll get 'em going.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25A pissed doctor that squints. Hey?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27A limp, pissed, squint and...
0:23:27 > 0:23:31stick your teeth out and talk like a silly arse.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33They'll give you a Bafta for that!
0:23:33 > 0:23:38You see, you've got more ideas than me! I think you're missing a trick.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40HARRY GRUMBLES
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I don't...- What?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I don't think I can learn these lines.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Not in three days.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52HE SIGHS
0:23:52 > 0:23:56At one time, happen, but not now. And I have tried.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59HE SIGHS
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Well... I'll have a look.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Eee...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Well, everybody can't put their hand on the planchette
0:24:13 > 0:24:15because there isn't room.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- I'm happy to just watch. Can you just watch?- Er, yeah.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I'm not sure this is something that you really want to be doing.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22If you're going to have doubts about it, it won't work.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It says so on the instructions.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Yeah, shut up. Let's just get on with it, yeah?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Right. I'll just watch. - Come on, we're losing momentum.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Who's going to be in charge, then? Have we decided?- Granny.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It's good research for a play that she's in.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Good. Come on, Celia. You'll be good at this.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Right, come on, kids. Concentrate.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Shh.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Is there anybody there?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53SNIGGERING
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Sorry.- You will have to leave the room.- Sorry.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Nerves. Sorry, Celia.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Is there anybody there?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Oh, shit.- Did you feel that? - Keep your hands on.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Did you do that?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Shh.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13- RAFF:- Was that real?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Shh.- Was it? People better not be messing about.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh, come on. Concentrate.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Are you there?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Please indicate to us if you are there.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Is there anybody there?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- You're doing that.- I am not.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36That's weird. That is weird. That's weird.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Someone is with us. LAWRENCE:- Have you done this before, Granny?- No.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Granny, are you moving it? - No, she isn't.- No.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Are you a spirit of the departed, passed over, from the other side?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Celia, no, really. Is that you? - That's weird.- Put your hand back on.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I think it's weird.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Spirit...spell out your name for us.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Oh, my God.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07S.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10P.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12SHE GASPS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17K.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20E.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Spike?- Ooh, no. That's freaky, that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29We used to have a cat called Spike.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34A black cat. He got chopped up in a combine in the lower field.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- Do you remember, Mum?- Yeah. Yeah, I remember it was me that k...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I'm not sure I want to do this any more.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00SNORING
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Shut up.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Shh.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09SNORING CONTINUES
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Shut up!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Robbie, shut up!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18SNORING CONTINUES
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Robbie.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Robbie. Robbie.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Robbie!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Robbie. ROBBIE!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29HE GASPS
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Stop snoring.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Sorry.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42SNORING RESUMES F... hell!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53DOOR SLAMS
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- You all right?- Yeah. I can't sleep.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Why?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- Because you snore, Robbie.- Sorry.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- I can't...- What?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I can't do this any more.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33What are you talking about?
0:28:33 > 0:28:34This, us.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37This, us - what?
0:28:37 > 0:28:38SHE SIGHS
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- Don't shout. - What do you mean, don't shout?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48I don't want you to go busting your stitches by shouting.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Yeah, well, it's not at the top of my list of things to do, either.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52I think...
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Something weird's happening.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57You what?
0:28:57 > 0:28:59You won't like what I'm going to say
0:28:59 > 0:29:01and you'll think I'm mental, which is fine.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Right. Well, you'd better spit it out, then.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I do care about you.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Good.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Which is why...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Why what?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Why I'm worried.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34About what?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Eddie.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Eddie?
0:29:43 > 0:29:45I...
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I think he's in the barn. That's the third accident you've had in there.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I think he never left.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59And he knows we've got married and he doesn't like it.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01That's...
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Daft, I know. I do know that.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I think it's easy to read too much into stuff.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Don't you ever feel odd in that barn?
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Well, yeah... It's where he died.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Obviously it's going to feel odd, but...
0:30:23 > 0:30:25No, no... SHE INHALES SHARPLY
0:30:25 > 0:30:27That's just knowing someone...
0:30:28 > 0:30:30..took their own life in there,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- that's all that is. - Yeah, but is it?- Yes!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35There's no such thing as ghosts.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37OK, I've had three accidents,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39but accidents happen.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42It isn't like there isn't a logical explanation for 'em all.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44That log falling on your head wasn't logical.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Except I was stacking logs at the time.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48You said it felt like someone lobbed it at you.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51That was the first thing you said when you came through that door!
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Right. Supposing...
0:30:53 > 0:30:55even supposing that there was something like that,
0:30:55 > 0:30:58which there isn't, what could you do about it?
0:31:00 > 0:31:02We should never have got married.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07- He doesn't like it.- Have you got any idea how mad that sounds?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11I am actually...past caring if it sounds mad. He's in there.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I've known he was in there for years,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15only I've convinced myself I was being stupid.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Gillian, he's not in there! He's dead!
0:31:18 > 0:31:22He killed himself because he didn't want to be around any more.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- We should never have got married. - Oh, that's just...
0:31:25 > 0:31:29It's you I'm thinking about. It's you that keeps getting hurt.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Except, next time, if he does kill you, guess who'll be in the frame?
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Guess who your buddies at the cop shop will be down on
0:31:35 > 0:31:37- like a ton of bricks?- Well, OK.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40Well...
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Why don't we sell up and start again somewhere else if you're that upset?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48- Because he'd follow us.- Gillian...
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Anyway, I'm not being chased out by him.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54This was my farm, not his. I...I worked for it.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I'm not going to be bullied by him.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I had enough of that to put up with when he was alive.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00No, you won't be chased out by him,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03but you'll give up on our marriage because of him!
0:32:03 > 0:32:07I shouldn't have married you. That's the point. You're his brother.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08It was a wrong thing to do.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12That's... It's superstitious! It's crap!
0:32:12 > 0:32:14He's been in there for years, watching me,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17but he's never done anything like this before.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20I don't think it's helpful thinking about him like this.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23I think we should let him rest in peace, for all his faults.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26- I'd love to.- He's gone! He can't hurt you any more.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30So, why is this happening?
0:32:30 > 0:32:33You... You've chosen to connect two things.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37It's all in here.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43I want you to leave.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45For your own good.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48No. Gillian...think about it.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50There's no evidence.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53You're letting your imagination get the better of you.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- You're being silly.- Silly?
0:32:56 > 0:32:59You think this is just silly?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I'm going mad, Robbie!
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Did you know Caroline is an executor for her mother's will?
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I don't get asked. Dad doesn't ask me.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13- What's that got to do with anything? - Nothing. It's just...
0:33:13 > 0:33:15She's doing my head in!
0:33:15 > 0:33:18And of course I'd look small-minded if I say anything.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Look, I can see you're upset.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25I can see that you believe it's real, this...business,
0:33:25 > 0:33:26but from my point of view...
0:33:28 > 0:33:29- ..I can't.- Right.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Well... Who's this fella that Calamity's been seeing, then?
0:33:33 > 0:33:34She's a kiddie.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37- It's imaginary.- Yeah, but is it?
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Some people think children can see things we can't.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Gill!
0:33:45 > 0:33:47You know... you're starting to sound...
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I never thought of you as flaky, Gillian.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53SHE GASPS
0:33:58 > 0:34:00There's something I've never told you.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02What?
0:34:02 > 0:34:04SHE EXHALES
0:34:04 > 0:34:05What?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12You were right.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17All those years ago, trying to get me arrested.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Not my dad. He knew nothing.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23It was me.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27It wasn't an accident, it wasn't suicide.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31It was me. I saw an opportunity and I...I took it.
0:34:31 > 0:34:36I was off my head at the time. I was off my head with the...
0:34:36 > 0:34:38the turmoil of having to live with a mad, torturing bastard.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- You're just saying that.- I'm not.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- You didn't really do it. - No, I did. And...I think...
0:34:45 > 0:34:48..I can't live...like this any more.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I did it because I couldn't stand it, but I did it. I...
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Why are you saying this?
0:34:56 > 0:35:00- I can't be married to you, because I killed your brother.- You...
0:35:00 > 0:35:05- Don't say that. Why would you even say that?- I need to tell the truth.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I could cope, just about, till we got married.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done it to you.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- How did you kill him?- Oh... You know how I killed him.- Describe it to me.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Oh, fuck off!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Describe it to me!
0:35:22 > 0:35:26He was playing with the log-splitter.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27No helmet.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29He didn't know I was there.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32I came in behind him and I shoved his head in the way of the blade,
0:35:32 > 0:35:35and it shattered his skull.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37He was drunk, I was drunk.
0:35:37 > 0:35:38No, you were just...
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- You're trying to get rid of me. - I'm... No.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46SHE EXHALES
0:35:46 > 0:35:50I need...to face the consequences and get it done with.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- You want me to arrest you?- Yeah. I think you should.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Erm...make a phone call.
0:35:55 > 0:35:56SHE MUMBLES
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Do whatever you have to do.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- You're serious, aren't you? - I killed him and I got away with it.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Except I didn't.
0:36:05 > 0:36:06I want some peace.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13And I'll never have any peace until I deal with it.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21I'd rather kill myself than carry on like this.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30I'm going to get dressed.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33I'm going to pack a few things...
0:36:33 > 0:36:35and I think...
0:36:38 > 0:36:39..I'm leaving.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04- Morning.- Hi.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08You all right?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Robbie's gone.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14It's, erm, been brewing for a while, and now he's gone.
0:37:14 > 0:37:15Where?
0:37:17 > 0:37:18Why?
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Like I say, it's...
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- Are you all right?- Yeah. I don't know. No!
0:37:30 > 0:37:33- Has something happened?- No. No.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35I asked him to go and he went.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39You asked him to go?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46I'm fond of him. I've always been fond of him.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51But we should never have got married.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54I think we both know that now.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56HE SIGHS
0:37:56 > 0:37:57I'm sorry...
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Have I shocked you? Are you upset?
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Is he all right?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09I don't know.
0:38:10 > 0:38:15- Harry?!- Yeah... He'll be better than me.- He'll muck it up!
0:38:15 > 0:38:16No, he won't.
0:38:16 > 0:38:21- He'll do it daft.- He's got some very interesting ideas.- I bet!
0:38:21 > 0:38:24I think he'll put his heart and soul into it.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28- He doesn't look like a doctor. - Well, neither do I.- Yes, you do.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32- You look distinguished. - So does he!- Does he buggery!
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Anyway, what do doctors look like? They're just people.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38They come in all...physiognomies.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40- He's got a beard. - HE SIGHS
0:38:40 > 0:38:46- Freud had a beard.- Yeah, and he was a pillock. Sex, sex, sex.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- He won't be a patch on you! - It's just...
0:38:50 > 0:38:51HE SIGHS
0:38:51 > 0:38:54It's not my thing, I've realised,
0:38:54 > 0:38:59standing on a stage, everyone looking, expecting summat.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03I... I'm sorry. I were only doing it to help you out.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05And he'll be perfectly...
0:39:05 > 0:39:07He'll be better than me.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Well, I don't think he will.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12And I'm disappointed.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I'll be involved. I...could...
0:39:15 > 0:39:19sell programmes at the door. I could do the bar.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Do they have a bar?
0:39:22 > 0:39:25I think you should reserve judgment wi' Harry.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28I think you might be pleasantly surprised.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32I'm going to brush my teeth.
0:39:32 > 0:39:33Right.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39- I'm sick of Harry! - No, you're not.- Yes, I fucking am!
0:39:39 > 0:39:43- Oh, Mum!- Well, if you can't say the F-word
0:39:43 > 0:39:46when you're pissed off at my age, when can you say it?
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Oh, she's not listening. She's not bothered.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Anyway, you like hearing your granny swear, don't you?
0:39:53 > 0:39:57She finds it liberating and uplifting, don't you, chicken?
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Ganny!
0:39:59 > 0:40:00SHE CHUCKLES
0:40:00 > 0:40:03- See?- Yeah, well, so do I, most of the time, however...
0:40:03 > 0:40:05can you just button it?
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Oh, you're so conventional-minded, you.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- What's up?- I think I put my foot in it yesterday with Gillian.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17I mentioned the fact that I was an executor of your will,
0:40:17 > 0:40:20and I didn't realise that she wasn't...
0:40:20 > 0:40:22with her dad.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25- So...- Oh, well, wouldn't worry.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28You know, he's worried...
0:40:28 > 0:40:30that he can't remember his lines.
0:40:30 > 0:40:34I heard them talking last night, him and Harry.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38He's been struggling to remember his lines, then having bad dreams.
0:40:38 > 0:40:43He doesn't want to let you down, but perhaps he genuinely isn't up to it.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45And he has a heart condition.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50- What do you mean? You think his memory's not...?- He's 78!- So am I!
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Well, are YOU going to be ready on time?
0:40:52 > 0:40:56You've got a lot more lines than he has, and you've only got three days.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Oh, I'll be all right.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01- SHE CHUCKLES - Oh, God knows.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03But I mean, you can't let the side down
0:41:03 > 0:41:05when you've said you'll do something, can you?
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Well...I can't.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Have you been online? Got your tickets?
0:41:12 > 0:41:16- You know we're nearly sold out? - Yes! Everybody's coming.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18And I mean everybody.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21John, Judith, Greg, Angus, you name it. They can't wait.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23- What night are you coming? - First night!
0:41:23 > 0:41:26- It's the only night that had any tickets left.- And Olga?
0:41:26 > 0:41:33- Olga?- She said she wanted to come the other day. I like Olga.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34Do you?
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Why?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52- Hiya.- Hi.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Can I get a cup of tea, please, love?
0:41:59 > 0:42:00Thank you for coming.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07How's your neck?
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Fine.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11- How are you?- Um...
0:42:12 > 0:42:14God knows. I'm all over the place.
0:42:15 > 0:42:21Are you still of the opinion...that that's the truth, what you told me?
0:42:21 > 0:42:24I don't think anybody knew...
0:42:25 > 0:42:27..what I was going through with him.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31And I had a little kid to look after, as well.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35If I hadn't...
0:42:36 > 0:42:39..done it to him, he'd have done it to me one day.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41One day it would've happened.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42You know.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44You know what he was like.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50But maybe you don't know the extent of it.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Maybe you can imagine without me...
0:42:56 > 0:42:58spelling it out.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Are you all right?
0:43:04 > 0:43:06Sad.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13I'm just sad.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Sad for him.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17Sad for me.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22So, what are we going to do?
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Are you going to report me? Do you want me to hand myself in?
0:43:26 > 0:43:29It wouldn't bring him back, would it?
0:43:30 > 0:43:33But maybe there's only me would want him back.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36I don't know.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40I do know what he was like, that side of him.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43I should have married you.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46- Years ago.- Yeah.- But not him.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Yeah, but you didn't.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52You were obsessed with him.
0:43:52 > 0:43:53Yeah. Fucking idiot.
0:43:54 > 0:43:55I'm sorry...
0:43:58 > 0:44:00I think you're right, though. I don't, erm...
0:44:02 > 0:44:04I can't stay there. Not now.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08I think that would be, erm...
0:44:10 > 0:44:13- Have you told anyone else? - No. No, I...
0:44:14 > 0:44:18My dad really didn't know. The worst thing he knew was that I didn't...
0:44:18 > 0:44:21call for an ambulance as soon as I should have done.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24And that did his head in.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30I'm not going to do owt rash, but I had an offer on the house.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Remember?
0:44:32 > 0:44:36Months ago. A cheeky offer, way below the asking price.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39They said if I changed my mind, then...
0:44:39 > 0:44:41So if they're still offering...
0:44:41 > 0:44:43I might take it.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47Then I think I might travel.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49I've always fancied Canada.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52You mean, like...permanently?
0:44:55 > 0:44:56Maybe.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58Right.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03So we're not going to the police station?
0:45:05 > 0:45:06No.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19Excuse me. Thank you.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23Hello...darling!
0:45:24 > 0:45:25Are you pi...
0:45:25 > 0:45:27(Pixelated?)
0:45:27 > 0:45:31I may have had the odd sherbet or two, just to...
0:45:31 > 0:45:33steady the old nerves.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35It's packed!
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Gillian isn't here, and Olga hasn't turned up,
0:45:37 > 0:45:40but everybody else is here and they're all excited!
0:45:40 > 0:45:43- He's pickled!- I love you, Alan.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45I knew this would happen, or something like it.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49This is, lest we forget, the fella that capsized a 75ft narrow boat
0:45:49 > 0:45:52and damaged a small enclave of West Yorkshire!
0:45:52 > 0:45:57- That's cheap, bringing that up. - How much have you had?
0:45:57 > 0:45:59Don't worry, it's method.
0:45:59 > 0:46:05I've, erm, decided the good doctor is indeed an alcoholic.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08- But he isn't! It's not in the script!- You're joking!
0:46:08 > 0:46:10They knocked back dry martinis for breakfast, this lot!
0:46:10 > 0:46:12- Have you not read... - BELL RINGS
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Has she not read...
0:46:14 > 0:46:16We're on!
0:46:16 > 0:46:19- We're on, everyone!- Get off me hat!
0:46:21 > 0:46:22HARRY MUTTERS
0:46:36 > 0:46:39- That's right, Edith.- Yes, ma'am.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Now, you'd better fetch me the ice bucket.
0:46:41 > 0:46:45- Shh!- Did you get my white wine? I wanted a white wine.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47Edith, as you're not in the Navy,
0:46:47 > 0:46:51it is unnecessary to do everything at the double.
0:46:51 > 0:46:52LAUGHTER
0:47:06 > 0:47:07Olga?
0:47:07 > 0:47:11- Yeah?- Gillian. I'm, erm, a friend of Caroline.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14- Oh.- Her mum married my dad.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17Ah, sweet! Are we late?
0:47:19 > 0:47:23Sorry, ladies, the curtain's just gone up.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25I can sneak you in if you don't mind waiting for a lull.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27- Take your time.- Yeah, whenever.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30- <- With your help, my love, I have risen above...
0:47:30 > 0:47:35- I hate am-dram.- Me too. - I'm only here cos... Well, you know.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38Yeah. Yeah.
0:47:38 > 0:47:40Hey, fancy a drink?
0:47:48 > 0:47:51- Oh...come...- Susan!- Oh, my love!
0:47:51 > 0:47:53Oh, ignore him, Susan.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55- Do your best, love. - Just refer to the script.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58Everybody knows you've stepped in at the last minute.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00- Nobody will think anything of it. - I'm word perfect.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04THEY ALL GASP
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Jesus!
0:48:06 > 0:48:08- Oh, dear!- Oh, no!- Let's have a look.
0:48:08 > 0:48:09Susan's a midwife!
0:48:09 > 0:48:13OK, Harry, listen to me. Listen to me, love. You're not going on stage.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16Ring 999. He's broken something.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19It's all right, you're all right. You're going to be absolutely fine.
0:48:19 > 0:48:24I just need you to stay still. That's right, you squeeze my hand.
0:48:24 > 0:48:25- Ohhh!- That's it.- What is it?
0:48:25 > 0:48:27We've got a compound fracture.
0:48:27 > 0:48:32- Oh... You'll have to go on, Alan. - Eh? Eh?- He can't!
0:48:32 > 0:48:37- You'll have to talk to them.- Look, Alan will go on, with Susan.- Really?
0:48:37 > 0:48:40We'll stay here with Nitwit until the ambulance arrives.
0:48:40 > 0:48:44- Look, I... I... I...!- Harry, where's your script?- Oh, it's, erm...
0:48:44 > 0:48:45Can you see it?
0:48:45 > 0:48:52Alan, just read the lines. Just... Honestly, Alan, you'll be wonderful!
0:48:52 > 0:48:57I... I... You've got to stop the show now. Surely. Surely...
0:48:57 > 0:48:59Are you a man or a mouse?
0:48:59 > 0:49:02Go on, get up on the stage, be the mouse that roared.
0:49:02 > 0:49:06Cry havoc! For England and...Boy George... What's that quotation?
0:49:06 > 0:49:08Come on, Susan.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12She's probably on one knee in a pre-sprinting position,
0:49:12 > 0:49:15waiting for Cook to open the kitchen door.
0:49:15 > 0:49:16LAUGHTER
0:49:16 > 0:49:19- Steady, Edith!- Yes, sir.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Dr and Mrs Bradman.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29We're not late, are we?
0:49:32 > 0:49:36I-I only got back from hospital half an hour ago.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39No, no, of course not!
0:49:39 > 0:49:41Madame Arcati hasn't arrived yet.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44That must have been her we passed coming down the hill.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47- I said I thought it was. - Then she won't be long.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51- I'm so glad you were able to come. - We've been looking forward to it.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53I'm really quite excited.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58Oh...
0:49:58 > 0:49:59Erm...
0:49:59 > 0:50:03I guarantee...Violet will be good.
0:50:05 > 0:50:10- I made her promise.- There wasn't any need! I'm absolutely thrilled!
0:50:10 > 0:50:13I've only seen Madame Arcati two or three times in the village.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16I mean, I've never seen her do anything peculiar at all,
0:50:16 > 0:50:18if you know what I mean!
0:50:18 > 0:50:20Dry martini?
0:50:20 > 0:50:23POSH VOICE: By all means! LAUGHTER
0:50:23 > 0:50:26I'm all for it.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29I mean, I assume she's very good at what she does.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33And why should all the private schools
0:50:33 > 0:50:35get all the superstar head teachers?
0:50:35 > 0:50:40It weren't just me, you know? I mean, it wasn't just what I said.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43In fact, it probably wasn't me at all. There was this lad.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47- What lad?- Wyatt.
0:50:47 > 0:50:51- A lad she visits in the Young Offenders'.- Who?
0:50:51 > 0:50:55He's the boy that was driving the car when Kate got killed.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59He wrote to her saying he was sorry and would she visit him.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02So she did. Has she not told you this?
0:51:04 > 0:51:07- No.- He's 16.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10He was terrified of her first time, he was shaking.
0:51:10 > 0:51:16But he was desperate to say sorry to her. To her face. And it shook her.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21Made her remember there are other reasons for being in teaching,
0:51:21 > 0:51:24besides helping rich kids with sharp-elbowed parents
0:51:24 > 0:51:26get into Oxbridge.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30- I didn't know that.- Mm.
0:51:32 > 0:51:33You should remind her.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35About that.
0:51:36 > 0:51:40She's thinking she's made a massive mistake coming here.
0:51:40 > 0:51:42SIREN WAILS
0:51:52 > 0:51:57- Ohh!- Try not to make a noise. - Who is it?- This way.
0:52:02 > 0:52:07Ooh, Daphne, don't do that, dear. You're hurting me!
0:52:07 > 0:52:09Oh, Daphne, dear, please!
0:52:10 > 0:52:12Ooh! Ooh!
0:52:12 > 0:52:15Ooh! No.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Be good, there's a dear child.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19LAUGHTER
0:52:19 > 0:52:24You say there is someone there who wishes to speak to someone here?
0:52:24 > 0:52:26SINGLE KNOCK
0:52:26 > 0:52:27Is it I?
0:52:27 > 0:52:29TWO KNOCKS
0:52:29 > 0:52:32Is it Dr Bradman?
0:52:32 > 0:52:34TWO KNOCKS
0:52:34 > 0:52:36Is it Mrs Condomine?
0:52:36 > 0:52:38CONTINUOUS KNOCKING
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Oh, stop it! Stop it! Stop!
0:52:41 > 0:52:44She's actually quite good.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46Ohhh...
0:52:46 > 0:52:49- Oh, steady on!- Harry?
0:52:49 > 0:52:52- What happened?- Oh... - Shouldn't you be on stage?
0:52:52 > 0:52:56- Your dad's doing it. Oh, careful!- Come on.- Oh!
0:52:56 > 0:52:57Oh...
0:53:03 > 0:53:05Oh! What are you doing?!
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Sorry, we have to go in now.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Sorry.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11CHEERING
0:53:11 > 0:53:13WHISTLING
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Well done!
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Yeah!
0:53:28 > 0:53:31Aw! So sweet, old people!
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Yay!
0:53:33 > 0:53:35- Whoo!- Don't!
0:53:35 > 0:53:38Gillian said you're worried you're making a mistake being here,
0:53:38 > 0:53:40with the school.
0:53:40 > 0:53:44You haven't. You're going to make a massive difference.
0:53:44 > 0:53:47You are going to be brilliant.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21CHILDREN CHATTER
0:54:32 > 0:54:34Good morning.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42- Morning.- Good morning. How are you?
0:54:47 > 0:54:49Morning.
0:54:56 > 0:54:58- BELL RINGS - Good morning.
0:54:58 > 0:54:59- Morning!- Good morning!
0:55:07 > 0:55:10Good morning! Has everyone had a good holiday?
0:55:10 > 0:55:14Well rested? Delighted to be back, all raring to go?
0:55:15 > 0:55:18- Do you want a doughnut? - Maybe later. Who's done this?
0:55:18 > 0:55:22- Maintenance.- Can you ask maintenance to come back with a spirit level?
0:55:22 > 0:55:25- He won't like that. - Shall we risk it?
0:55:27 > 0:55:31Who do you fancy next? King Lear?
0:55:31 > 0:55:34- No!- Eh, I could do Lady Bracknell.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36Properly this time.
0:55:36 > 0:55:37"A handbag!"
0:55:37 > 0:55:39Is she in King Lear?
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Yeah, she's one of the Ugly Sisters.
0:55:41 > 0:55:43Oh! Very good.
0:55:43 > 0:55:45Her and Gonorrhoea.
0:55:45 > 0:55:48No wonder he didn't like 'em, wi' names like that!
0:55:48 > 0:55:49SHE CHUCKLES
0:55:49 > 0:55:52- Well, he chose 'em, presumably. - Aye!
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Him and Mrs Lear.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58He'd be hard work, wouldn't he? Miserable old sod.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01No wonder they were buggers to him. What about a musical?
0:56:01 > 0:56:04A musical King Lear?
0:56:04 > 0:56:06No! That would be dozy.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Come on, what's a really good play
0:56:08 > 0:56:11for two mature individuals such as ourselves?
0:56:11 > 0:56:14I don't know! I don't know owt about drama.
0:56:14 > 0:56:18I don't know how we've gotten ourselves into this fine mess
0:56:18 > 0:56:21- in the first place. - I think we must turn to the Bard.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25- Must we?- Mm, whether we like it or not.
0:56:27 > 0:56:31- Antony And Cleopatra!- Really? Which one are you going to play?
0:56:31 > 0:56:34"I'll spurn thine eyes, like balls before me."
0:56:34 > 0:56:37Oh! OK. Good luck with that one.
0:56:37 > 0:56:41No! Where's your joie de vivre?
0:56:41 > 0:56:45Well, I suppose you were the Queen of Sheba when we got wed.
0:56:45 > 0:56:49- You might as well be Cleopatra as well.- Yeah.
0:56:50 > 0:56:55And you're going to be my Mark Antony, Alan Buttershaw.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57- You think?- Mm, yeah.
0:56:57 > 0:57:00Your legs can bestride the ocean.
0:57:00 > 0:57:01HE CHORTLES
0:57:01 > 0:57:05And I don't want to hear any excuses about arthritis.