0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07It ain't safe around here no more.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08GUNSHOTS
0:00:08 > 0:00:10I'm thinking Lillehammer.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Why the fuck would you want to go there?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Clean air, fresh white snow,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18gorgeous broads and, best of all,
0:00:18 > 0:00:20nobody, but nobody, is going to be looking for me there.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39BABY CRIES
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Yes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Mind-blowing.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Hey.- Hi.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- How are you?- Svein.- Johnny.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12So, you're the doctor?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Excuse me?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Er...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'm the midwife.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- You're the midwife?- Ja.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37THEY LAUGH
0:02:38 > 0:02:40SHE LAUGHS
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'm not too comfortable putting your hands...
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I don't know, honey. Listen, I think we need a regular midwife.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57A regular midwife?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Yeah, you know. Key word - wife.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02You know, as in broad, as in skirt, as in dame...
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Oh, Jesus.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Excuse me girls, would you happen to know
0:03:29 > 0:03:31where the doctor in charge might be?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Yes, it's me.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Oh.- Can I help you?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Yeah. I'm...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I'm having a little trouble with my midwife.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42OK. What's the trouble?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Well, the trouble is...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47it's a man.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52OK...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Call me old fashioned, but...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I just don't want the first thing my kid sees
0:03:58 > 0:04:01to be his mother spreading her legs for another man.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You have to wear blue plastic socks here.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26HE CHUCKLES
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I went to get schooled on the dress code.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Hey, baby, it's me.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Hi.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Gjovik. Motherfucker.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- 'Hello, Dr Hustad.' - Johnny Henriksen here.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15We spoke the other day at the hospital.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Yeah, how you doing?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Listen, there's been a mix up.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25I got a letter saying we've been moved to Gjovik.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Well, that's some kind of misunderstanding.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I mean, my girlfriend doesn't want to go anywhere else.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37You've got to switch us back.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Wait a minute. Are you telling me there's nothing you can do?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Neimen hei Johnny!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Julius Picasso, as I live and breathe.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50HE LAUGHS
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Listen, I know I'm usually here for business,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00but this time I've got something a little more personal.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I've been going with a girl, Sigrid...
0:09:05 > 0:09:06You know, the blonde.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Ja, ja, ja.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Well, we're going to have a kid.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Congratulations.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Shannon! Shannon! Bring us some bubbly water from the basement.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You don't have to do that.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21We have to celebrate. Come on. Sit down.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I have a little problem with the hospital.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Yeah, they assigned me a male midwife...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36And when I suggested to them that maybe I wasn't entirely comfortable,
0:09:38 > 0:09:43You know, with my midwife getting a hard-on during the birth...
0:09:43 > 0:09:48they immediately reassigned me to some hospital in Gjovik.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I'm telling you, Julie. If Sigrid finds out, I'm a dead man.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00You got that kind of juice?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Salute.- Cheers.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17WHISPERS:
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I... I've got to go.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- But thanks for taking care of that thing.- No problem.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Sorry. Er...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40PHONE RINGS
0:12:51 > 0:12:52HE EXHALES DEEPLY
0:13:35 > 0:13:38HE SPLUTTERS
0:14:03 > 0:14:04You know, the couple with the baby?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Yeah, sure. Yeah, of course.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Jonas!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15He's coming.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Jonas!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:35 > 0:14:38BABY CRIES
0:14:38 > 0:14:42So you're running the whole operation here?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yeah, you should think about it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57KETTLE WHISTLES
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Shit.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Me?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07BABY SCREAMS
0:15:07 > 0:15:09KETTLE WHISTLES
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Are they supposed to smell like this?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24GUITAR CHORDS AND SHOUTING
0:15:26 > 0:15:28ALL: Ja.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I got a surprise for you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yeah!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# Well, it's one for the money
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# Two for the show
0:15:42 > 0:15:43# Three to get ready
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# Now go, cat, go
0:15:45 > 0:15:46# But don't you
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# Step on my blue suede shoes... #
0:15:50 > 0:15:54MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:15:54 > 0:15:55I...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:16:00 > 0:16:02GUITAR CHORDS
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Sorry. Sorry.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:16:18 > 0:16:21BABY CRIES
0:16:23 > 0:16:26DOOR CLOSES
0:16:58 > 0:17:00A friend of mine she had to give birth in the Nabokommune.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Excuse me.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Is there a men's room?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Upstairs.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Julie, it's Johnny. Again.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27What the fuck's going on with my fodeplass? Huh?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30You're not returning my calls.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I could use some good news on this one.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Call me back!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- What? Me?- Yeah, yeah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I don't know...
0:18:18 > 0:18:19That would be great.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Yeah. Come on.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28WEEPING AND SNIFFLING
0:18:39 > 0:18:40It's Johnny.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Just wanted to see how you're doing.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Women.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Yeah, life ain't easy.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20No.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Come again?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Snip, snip. I sterilized myself.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Jesus.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Sometimes you've just got to get it all out.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38HE LAUGHS
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Thank you, Johnny. Thank you.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42- OK.- Thank you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43It's OK.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Yeah. Just, you know, let it all out.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51OK.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, he's got some issues, all right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Maybe you can bring him
0:20:00 > 0:20:02to one of his poker nights?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Wouldn't that be nice? - HE SIGHS
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Yeah, you can do that. He has no friends, and...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Yeah, and I know why.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15What the hell, why not?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17He could sure use a shot of testosterone.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Thank you.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26VIDEO GAME BEEPS
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Your mom had to crash.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34That Linnea girl today,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37you kind of liked her, huh?
0:20:37 > 0:20:42I saw you get all...shy and shit when she came around.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Next time...
0:20:44 > 0:20:49You get a little anxiety around a girl... You know, intimidated,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51you look at her, up and down,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and you say to yourself,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Women are food."
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04They are a reward for a man's hard day's work.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Like a good meal.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Why do you think we call them sugar,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11honey, sweetie, cupcake...?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Am I right?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16They're our nourishment,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19they exist to inspire us,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22with those luscious lips...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25beautiful tits...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29round, smooth, creamy asses
0:21:29 > 0:21:30and delicious pussies,
0:21:30 > 0:21:36all waiting to be tasted, licked, bitten, sucked...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Savoured like a fine wine.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43- You get what I'm saying?- Yes.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45That's my boy.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Now, go to bed.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Remember what I said.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Geir?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27RECORD JUMPS
0:22:36 > 0:22:37MUSIC STOPS
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Geir?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10WATER FLOWS
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oslo.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01New York.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Memphis?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Hi.- Hey, what do you say?!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Looks like you've got something more then cards on your mind.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17I've been trying to reach Julius.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19You know, I can't find him. You seen him around?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- His kid ran away?- Ja, ja.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Jesus Christ, he was supposed to do a thing for me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Don't count on it.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Fuck.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Come on, we got a game.- Yeah.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Gentlemen, full house.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Oh!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Motherfucker!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03So much for your beautiful straight.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07This is Jan's night, I tell you right now. You son of a...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Shit, I forgot I invited that guy.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Per, how you doing?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Good to see you, my friend. Sit down, sit down.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Everybody this is Per.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32In here we make our own laws.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35THEY SNIGGER
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Come to play, my friend?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40The price is 25. Come on in.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Get the Big Spender a drink.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Per...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51The one night of your life you're off the leash.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53One drink.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57THEY SNIGGER
0:26:57 > 0:27:00You're beautiful.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Here we go. Here we go.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52INTERMITTENT BEEPING
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Huh?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Geir Tveit, Lillehammer.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Come on.
0:28:54 > 0:28:573,000 more to you.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06You're looking a little light, my friend.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Tell you what,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I'll loan you 5,000.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23You're good for it.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30Right.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Oh!
0:29:32 > 0:29:34You're raising me 2,000?
0:29:38 > 0:29:41That guy got balls, you've got to give it to him.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Hit me, hit me, hit me.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Motherfucker!
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Oh, fuck.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Look at this.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31I'm going to do your 2,000 and 3,000 more.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43You're already in for five digits. That might be enough.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00It's a nice ring, but...
0:31:02 > 0:31:04..it's not 3,000 worth.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Tell you what,
0:31:06 > 0:31:09give me the fodeplass from the hospital.
0:31:12 > 0:31:13What?!
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Yeah, they transferred us to Gjovik.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Sigrid likes Lillehammer...
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Give me your fodeplass,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24and call it even.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35What have you got?
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Very impressive.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47Full boat, queens over sevens...
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Straight flush to the king.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Don't worry, lots of good hotels on the way to Gjovik.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25"Mental disorder..."
0:32:33 > 0:32:36"Have you ever been involved in terrorist activities?"
0:33:25 > 0:33:27HE SNIGGERS
0:33:32 > 0:33:33What the fuck?!
0:33:39 > 0:33:42I see the local artists have paid you a visit too?
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Yes.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Torgeir, Arne, come here.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Give the guy a hand.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59This would never happen where I come from.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01We take care of our own neighbourhoods.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04You know, concerned citizens get together and...
0:34:06 > 0:34:08..talk some sense into the kids.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16So you got the same kind of thing here, huh?
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Night Ravens.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25I like the sound of that.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- So this is where the ravens gather? - Yeah, sure. Sure.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51OK, OK.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11You don't want the bat slipping once the game starts.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13You know, in the main event.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Busting heads.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Why? How do you expect to get anything done?
0:35:26 > 0:35:28You can't talk to bad guys.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31You think we'd have gotten Saddam if we'd shown up
0:35:31 > 0:35:33in yellow vests, wanting to chat?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42All right, all right...
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Got you! I'm fucking with you.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Just joking. I'm big on this dialogue stuff.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Well, well, well. If it's not my favourite midwife!
0:36:19 > 0:36:23The juvenile delinquents are out there shaking in their boots tonight,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25with you and grandma on the loose.
0:36:25 > 0:36:26Very funny.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Relax. We just got off on the wrong foot, that's all.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Yeah, but that's all water under the bridge now.
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Now we're back under your care.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Yeah. But we switched back.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48A spot opened up.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57Remember Per, the male homemaker?
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Dahl Thomassen?
0:37:00 > 0:37:01Yeah.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03They decided they preferred...
0:37:03 > 0:37:04Gjovik.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14No shit.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23TANNOY BEEPS
0:37:23 > 0:37:26We have now arrived at Newark International Airport.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Due to a minor technical problem,
0:37:28 > 0:37:33we kindly ask you to sit in your seats for a few more minutes.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Excuse me, Sir?
0:37:43 > 0:37:45I need you to stand up and come with us, please.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- What, me?- Yes.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Is this about the joke? We were just messing around, Officer.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Yes, unfortunately, there's nobody else laughing, Sir.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Please, stand and come with us.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Hey! Hey!
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Do you know this man?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12I'm an officer! I'm an officer, Officer.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22"Hip Hop Against Drugs."
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Isn't that, like, a contradiction?
0:38:24 > 0:38:25You know, like...
0:38:25 > 0:38:27hookers against blow jobs?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31SHE CHUCKLES
0:39:00 > 0:39:04He has always been a little... What do you call it?
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Sirumpa.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Seeroompah... As in, he's got pole up his ass?
0:39:09 > 0:39:12Ja, something like that.
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Hallo.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44LIQUID SLOSHES
0:39:53 > 0:39:55How's that dialogue thing going so far?
0:40:01 > 0:40:03- THUMP - Oh!
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Gudrun!
0:40:05 > 0:40:08THUMP
0:40:08 > 0:40:10You shouldn't be pushing old ladies around...
0:40:10 > 0:40:13SCUFFLING
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- Come here.- Hey!
0:40:18 > 0:40:20SCUFFLING
0:40:20 > 0:40:22BOTTLE CLINKS
0:40:22 > 0:40:25That's quite a left hook for a midwife.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32The kind you don't want to fuck with.
0:40:33 > 0:40:34WHISTLE SOUNDS
0:40:52 > 0:40:55I was expecting something like this from you.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Look. Svein here is just trying covering my ass, all right?
0:41:28 > 0:41:31He even hurt his elbow trying to stop me.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Yeah, I got two last words for you Mr Raven,
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Never fucking more.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13Wake up.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Your identity was confirmed by the embassy. Come with us.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22We only have one more question.
0:42:22 > 0:42:23OK.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Why do you have pictures of American citizens
0:42:28 > 0:42:31involved in organised crime in your bag?
0:42:33 > 0:42:37- What did you say about this man? - Please. Answer the question.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Uh, it's just a case I'm working on.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45So you're on duty?
0:42:45 > 0:42:46No. I'm... I'm...
0:42:46 > 0:42:49What do you call it? Er...
0:42:49 > 0:42:50Permutated?
0:42:51 > 0:42:53But who is he?
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Organised crime, you say?
0:42:55 > 0:42:58We're done here. You're free to go.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00- Hey, wait!- Sorry, Sir.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Mafia.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20Do you know what she's talking about?
0:43:20 > 0:43:22No, no, you're not up to speed. We switched back.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Switched back?
0:43:53 > 0:43:54My man.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17Well, I'm not betting. But a son will do.
0:44:26 > 0:44:28What do you mean?
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Twins.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45Fuck me.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09Subtitles for the deaf and hard-of-hearing by Red Bee Media Ltd