0:00:02 > 0:00:04- My aunt died. - "It's Auntie Carol. Come home.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06"There's something I need to tell you face to face."
0:00:06 > 0:00:11- We haven't seen each other in two years, I thought...- You'd waltz back in and everything would be OK?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15- Why are you in Glasgow? - Frankie was two years ago. How much more ready can you be?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hi. You're Cat.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21I'm really sorry, I've got to dash. I'll catch you later?
0:00:21 > 0:00:26- Carol wanted to tell me something. Do you know what?- If she had anything to say to you, she'd have told me.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Have you checked out Lou Foster yet? Presents Afternoons with Lou and Tom.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- Thought she'd be your type. - She's everyone's type, but straight.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I've wanted to kiss a woman forever. And you're gorgeous.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- I really missed you. - I really missed you, too.
0:00:45 > 0:00:55THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE & SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE
0:01:20 > 0:01:23ECSTATIC MOANING
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Right about... - SHE MOANS
0:01:33 > 0:01:36SHE MOANS
0:01:48 > 0:01:51So, how did you get to be so good at that?
0:01:51 > 0:01:56Er, I took classes at the local education college.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58SHE LAUGHS
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Shit. I've got to get to the studio. Sorry.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31So, then, what are you up to today?
0:02:31 > 0:02:37Er...usual hectic timetable.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Dole office followed by a bit of lunchtime telly,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- maybe an afternoon nap. - Still no word from your agent?- No.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50- I'm beginning to think I should just quit, try my hand at something else. - Don't say that. Things will pick up.
0:02:50 > 0:02:56Actually, I was thinking, you know you mentioned two runners had dropped out of your show?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Oh, you wouldn't want to do that. It's really shitty work.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- You've got such a busy schedule, we'd get to spend more time together.- Erm...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- I'll put a word in with the production manager.- OK.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Tess, look, you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about us.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16- No. God, I completely understand. I'd say we were just friends.- Great.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22SHE LOCKS THE DOOR
0:03:22 > 0:03:24SHOWER RUNS
0:03:31 > 0:03:34VIBRATOR BUZZES
0:03:34 > 0:03:36# This is my home
0:03:36 > 0:03:40# The place where I'm lonely
0:03:53 > 0:03:55# This is my home
0:03:55 > 0:03:59# The place where I'm lonely
0:04:02 > 0:04:07# Ghost...is...not...real
0:04:12 > 0:04:14# This is my home
0:04:14 > 0:04:18# The one and sweet home
0:04:21 > 0:04:26# Ghost...is...not...real
0:04:27 > 0:04:29# This is my home...
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- Morning! - Tess, why is there a pair of dirty socks under the kitchen table?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Er, they made a break for freedom
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- and escaped from the washing machine.- I don't mean to seem rude, but can you put things away?
0:04:41 > 0:04:47- This has been here so long, it's virtually an installation!- Look at me, putting them away. There you go.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54Look, you don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to. You don't owe Frankie anything.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It's her aunt's funeral and I want to be a grown-up about this.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I've avoided her long enough. If I want to move on,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I need to be able to be around her without it doing my head in. How was your night?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Let's just say I didn't get much sleep.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Has she gone down on you yet? - Look, it's her first time with a woman. She's bound to be anxious.
0:05:12 > 0:05:18- Doesn't make her straight.- So she's a total pillow princess and you're putting in all the elbow grease.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Well, at least I'm not sitting round moping about Chloe anymore.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And she's trying to get me a job at her show,
0:05:25 > 0:05:31- so she's obviously not that uptight about us.- She's going to tell people she's seeing you?- No. But...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Why don't you ask her to dinner with Ed and me? Something low-key, coax her out of the closet.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Good idea. Maybe I will.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50CAMERA CLICKS
0:05:58 > 0:06:00We're going to be late. It starts in half an hour.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03It's not like my family can form a worse impression of me.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You are all right, aren't you? I mean, about going to this?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Yeah, fine, I liked your aunt. I'm happy to pay my respects.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- Nice outfit.- What, this? I just drag it out of the cupboard for funerals and interviews.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I see you dressed for the occasion.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Well, I was going to wear the twinset and pearls but I thought better of it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the production manager, Mark Simons?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Just down there. Short, stocky guy.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Fuck him! No, seriously, fuck him!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He should be paying me for staring at his great big fat fucking face!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Well, he can fuck off, then!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Tell him from me, Mark said fuck off! - Hi.
0:06:59 > 0:07:05- Hang on, Jerry. - I'm Tess Roberts. Lou Foster mentioned me about the runner's job.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- Yeah, I remember. The actress. - That's what I've been doing but... - Can you make tea?- Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15- Can you start today? I've had two idiots bail on me.- Yeah. - Great. See the production secretary.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Then find Jamie, the other runner. He'll show you the ropes.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Oh, and when you find that no-good son of mine, if he's listening to his iPod and reading magazines,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26tell the lazy little shit to do some fucking work!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Sorry, Jerry.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Mostly people just ask you to get shit, like drinks and stuff.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36But they always want it yesterday, cos it's live television
0:07:36 > 0:07:38so they're always freaking out.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Ah, and you have to wear this.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46So they know you're a runner.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52May we who mourn be reunited one day with Carol.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57Together, may we meet Jesus Christ when he who is our life...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You don't have to do this.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01We read in the sacred scripture...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04No, sod it. I'm here now.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06..says the Lord,
0:08:06 > 0:08:11inherit the kingdom prepared for you since the foundation of the world
0:08:11 > 0:08:17in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord, Jesus Christ.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21We commend to almighty God our sister, Carol,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and we commit her body to the ground, its resting place.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Dust to dust.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34The Lord bless her and keep her.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37The Lord make his face to shine upon her
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- and be gracious to her.- Wait here.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Frankie! - The Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Can I have that, please?- No.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Forget it!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18LOW CHATTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:46They always look like that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51- Brassy and vacuous. Bet he had that one on the go while she was dying. - What does she see in him?
0:09:51 > 0:09:57He can be quite charming when you first meet him. Takes a while to realise he's a piece of work.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Hi, Frankie. Cat. Thought it was you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- How are you?- I'm fine, thanks. I'm sorry about your mum.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06She was always lovely to me.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11Thanks. I thought it might be easier cos we knew she was ill for a long time before she died,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- but it doesn't really make any difference.- How long?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- How long was she ill for, Karen? - We didn't know where you were.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Found me when you wanted to, though, didn't you? Did he tell you not to contact me?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Frankie, don't. He's not like he is with you with me. We get on.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Yeah, I noticed. You haven't been written out of history like I have.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- I would've put pictures of you up, but we don't have them. - He got rid of them?
0:10:34 > 0:10:40No. She did. The album she made of you as a kid, it's gone.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43She told the lawyer handling the will to send it to someone.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Who the hell would want my photos? - I don't know.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Does he know where they are? - No. I asked him and he doesn't.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Look, I really need to go and say hello to people.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01See you later. OK?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09MUFFLED VOICES
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- No, this girl was saying...- Hi.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Oh! Hi. - They said you wanted a coffee.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Thanks. I, er, didn't think they'd get you started so soon.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Well, Mark was stressed about losing the other runner, so...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Mark's generally stressed about something.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Sorry, erm, Tom, this is Tess.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42- Hi.- Tess is an old school friend and an actress. She's going to be doing a bit of running for the show
0:11:42 > 0:11:47- while she's resting. - Old school chums, eh? So, what was Lou like at school?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- I bet she was a bit of a heartbreaker.- Don't be silly, Tom, I was no such thing.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Come on!- Tom, don't you have to get to makeup? We're on in an hour.- Yes.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I'll leave you two to reminisce about the good old days. Nice to meet you, Tess.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03I'll, er, see you later, alligator.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08You two seem to get on well.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, you're not jealous of Tom, are you?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He's sweet, but he looks like a potato.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- I couldn't blame him if he did fancy you.- Tess! What are you doing?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Sorry. The door was shut, I thought...- You thought wrong!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25- If someone came in, it'd be all over the studio in two minutes! - I'm sorry. I won't do it again.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I guess I'll see you later.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Erm, is it all right if I leave my bag here?- Yeah, it's fine.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42LOW CHATTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Look at him. Doing the nice guy routine.
0:12:49 > 0:12:55- Can't believe he didn't want me to know my aunt was ill.- I'll get you a glass.- I'm fine with this.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03What? I won't be getting any inheritance. Might as well cash in.
0:13:03 > 0:13:09- I think we should go now.- You know, you are looking really good in that.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12What are you doing?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Remember when we got these?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I never thought you'd go through with it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Frankie, stop. - Come on, we're making their day.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I said stop!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Outside! Now!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35What is wrong with you?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- We didn't bring you up to be like this! - You did not bring me up at all!
0:13:38 > 0:13:44I don't know why you bothered to come. She didn't love you, you know? Not like her own kid.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Even as a little girl, it was obvious you were damaged goods.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Fuck you!
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Yep. No worries. I'm on it. Right, OK, the celebrity booker needs a latte
0:14:03 > 0:14:07and a special macchiato and a decaf frappe cappuccino for her guests.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Oh, and Bob the cameraman wants a skinny cinnamon latte.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Right, I've got to get back, they probably need me on the floor.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh, shit. What was...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Excuse me, do you know where I'll find Bob the cameraman?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Over there, doll. He's the good-looking bastard with the blond hair.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Can't miss him.- OK. Thanks.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Excuse me. Coming through.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- So, how are things going with your girlfriend?- Which one?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- THEY LAUGH - Coming through.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- He said he was coming through. She didn't get out of the way.- Jesus.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Jesus! What the fuck are you doing?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I was just trying to get Bob's coffee order.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Coffee? Do you know how much this is worth?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Thanks to you, I have to do a wedding cake feature without a cake!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Erm, I think the bottom tier's OK, actually.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Are you OK?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I went to live with him when I was three, I'm used to it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42That's doesn't make it all right.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46He's hiding something from me, I know he is.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52- Don't let him get to you. That's what he wants.- What do you know?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I know what difficult families are like.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Oh, really? What did yours do? Cheat at Monopoly? Or send you to ballet classes?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I know you're upset.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09I came here because I want to help and taking things out on me isn't going to make it better.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15You're all so fucking reasonable, aren't you? What makes you think you're qualified to help anyone?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Do you know how much I missed you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Now I wonder why I bothered.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- SHE LOCKS THE DOOR - Are you OK?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Erm, I just came to get my bag. - You don't want to take any notice of what Mark says.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- He's like that with everyone.- Yeah.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Come here.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- Come on. - Oh, so this is OK now, is it?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It isn't just about me, it's about you, too.
0:17:04 > 0:17:10If the tabloids got hold of this, you'd be miserable, too. Come on, don't be angry. I'm sorry.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14How about... you come over to mine tonight
0:17:14 > 0:17:17and...I can make it up to you.
0:17:17 > 0:17:24Actually, I was thinking maybe you come to mine, have dinner with Ed and Cat. They'd love to meet you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Yeah, right, why not?- Amazing.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Hi, Tess. Not great.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Bloody Frankie, that's what. I'd forgotten how totally impossible she is.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I'll tell you about it later.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Lou? Tonight?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49No, no, that's fine. OK, I'll see you then. Bye.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Hey! Hey! Hey, give it back!
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Give me...it back! Give me my phone!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Hey!- Stop hitting me! Argh! Stop hitting me!
0:18:06 > 0:18:11This is bloody ridiculous! I'm the victim here! You can't genuinely be taking him seriously.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- The situation is this. Because he's saying you assaulted him...- Assault?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I was trying to retrieve my mobile which he stole from me!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Is everything all right here?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31We brought in a Peter McGuigan, sarge. He's alleging this lady assaulted him.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- She says she only hit him after he stole...- There's no "she said" about it. He did steal my mobile.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41- Why don't you two go and talk to Peter and I'll deal with this. - Whatever you say, sarge.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- Are you OK?- Oh, yeah. I love it when I'm the victim of a crime and then I get interrogated.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54They didn't rough you up, did they? You know what the police are like.
0:18:54 > 0:19:00Oh, you've come to gloat. It's not enough that some little shit steals from me, now you're laughing at me.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Thought you might need my help. I can go... - You have a habit of walking out.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Only when people imply I'm a thug on the very first date. - Look, for what it's worth,
0:19:08 > 0:19:14I'd had a shit day, and I really liked you, so I got nervous and I messed things up. It's not a crime!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Just for the record, I don't usually behave like a freak!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Apart from beating up minors? - He stole my mobile!
0:19:22 > 0:19:29Look, I know the boy. He's always on the rob, and mobiles are his speciality.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34With his record, he isn't going to get very far with this assault story.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, so I'm not going to be charged with anything?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Not unless you've got a history of violence.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46My officers will just need to take a statement and then you're out of here.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Thanks for looking out for me. You don't have to do that.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Sorry about having a go earlier. I was a nightmare date.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And it isn't a crime not to fancy someone.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I never said I didn't fancy you.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01How about another date tomorrow?
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Wine's in the fridge, trifle's in the fridge, lasagne's ready in ten minutes.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Shit. I need to put the nuts on the trifle. Where are the nuts?
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- Don't tell me I left my shopping in the supermarket again. - That's a disaster.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21If my girlfriend served me trifle with no nuts, ooh, that would be it.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Don't take the piss, I want it to be nice.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28And don't call her my girlfriend. We're not at that stage. Damn it, where are they?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I love you, you're a genius.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39- If you grumble about the mess, I'm going to call the police.- Ha-ha.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45So what was the argument with your uncle about?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I think we can safely say I'm a disappointment to him.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Which is good, because if he approved of me, I'd be really worried.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57How did it go with Cat?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Shit.- Is that all I get? Shit?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05What is this, on the coach with Jay Adams?
0:21:05 > 0:21:10I'm bored of me. Tell me about you. How's the gripping world of architecture?
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Great, yeah. I skived off this afternoon, went shopping.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Yeah, I can see you in these.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- It's a different look, but definitely good.- Yes, yes. They're for Becky.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's our two-year anniversary tomorrow.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- 32C?- Mm-hm.- Nice.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Well, these are obviously her present for you. Did you get her anything?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Jesus! I've never known you buy a woman a hamburger before! - Becky's different.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Look at Jay, gone all romantic.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57We should get you an Enrique Iglesias album.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yeah, yeah, piss off.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Seriously, though, how come Becky's the one?
0:22:03 > 0:22:08I don't know. She doesn't let me get away with any crap, for a start.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12She can drink me under the table. She's smart.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17I don't know. I'm just in love with her. You can't explain that, can you?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Go on, then, slay me. I know you want to.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22No, I get it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:33- So is this it, then? Marriage, kids, mortgage, all that?- Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Yeah, I guess it is.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Listen, I'm 30, right? I can't shag around forever.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Ed, fingers!- You realise you sound exactly like mum?
0:22:49 > 0:22:54- We do have a real life celebrity coming. She doesn't want your dirty mess on her food.- I'm not dirty.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- I haven't even pleasured myself today.- Way, way too much information.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Well, I think we're going to way too much trouble for someone who won't even admit she's seeing Tess.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Oh! You're total heroes!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- How do I look?- Gorgeous.- Great.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Right, er, she's late. I'm going to put the lasagne on the table
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- and then we can eat once she gets here. - MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:23:18 > 0:23:20She probably can't find the flat.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Hi! Are you lost?
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Oh, right. Right, OK. Erm...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Well, if you're sure...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Yeah, OK, I'll see you tomorrow.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41OK, bye.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Erm...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47She's not coming.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- You're kidding? - No, she said she's exhausted.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh, come on. Too exhausted to eat a bit of dinner? That's totally lame.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Yeah, erm... Maybe I pushed her too hard, I don't know.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03- Don't do that. That's what I did with Frankie, blamed myself for her crap behaviour.- Lou isn't Frankie.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Yeah, but...- Just leave it, OK?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10DOOR SLAMS
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Karen, hi, it's Frankie. Yeah, I'm all right. I was wondering if you could remember the name
0:24:31 > 0:24:34of the lawyer that's dealing with Auntie's will. Yeah.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- If the cop rings and you miss her call, she will leave a message. - But you think she will ring?
0:24:52 > 0:24:57- Not at eight in the morning. Not unless she's a stalker.- I just want things to be easy this time.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Come on, what do you reckon? Afternoon? Just before she wants to meet?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- I really don't know, Cat. - Sorry. Are you OK?- Yeah, great!
0:25:06 > 0:25:10My bright idea to mix business with pleasure is really working out.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16- You going to talk to her about last night? - I don't know what I'm going to do
0:25:16 > 0:25:18and I'm really not in the mood for a lecture.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Where's my mobile?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35WASHING MACHINE CLUNKS
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Erm...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44KNOCK AT DOOR
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Look, I'm sorry about last night.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53But I told you where I'm at right now and if you can't handle it,
0:25:53 > 0:25:59- there's nothing I can do about it. - It just would've been nice to have a bit of notice, that's all.- Sorry.
0:25:59 > 0:26:05I just didn't realise how I felt until I got home and I was just so tired, I needed an early night.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- Thinking of starting a family? - What? Oh, no.
0:26:14 > 0:26:20We're interviewing the author this afternoon. She's some bloody boring child psychologist.
0:26:22 > 0:26:29Oh, I'm surprised to see you in one piece this morning. Bob drank so much he's called in sick.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- You could always dial 999.- Ha-ha.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57- Can I borrow your mobile? - I swear, the devil sends these interns here to distract me.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01No, they're sent here to learn, and I hired her so no leading her astray.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- You spoil all my fun.- Mobile!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Send the cop my love.
0:27:10 > 0:27:16- So, how can I help you? - Apparently, my aunt asked you to send someone a photo album after she died.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- Yes, I remember.- They sent me to fix the problem with the windows.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I'm with a client. I'll be out of the office later, you can do it then.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- Sorry, you were saying. - The photo album. I want to know who she sent it to.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Your aunt was very explicit about not passing that information on.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38But I'm her niece. She brought me up.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- It's my childhood photo album. - That doesn't make any difference.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47- She was my client and I'm legally obliged to respect her wishes. - You're joking, right?- I'm afraid not.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51I can find someone to help you contest the will if you like.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- But that can be a lengthy procedure. - And some rich twat lines their pockets?
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Piss off. I'll find out some other way.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Haven't you rung yet? - I'm going to look like an idiot!
0:28:12 > 0:28:16- Yesterday my mobile was stolen, today it's in the wash. - Give me that.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- Wha... What are you doing? Jay! - I need my phone back.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23- You're going to be in here all day. - No, no, no!- Hi. Hi.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- Can I speak to Detective Sergeant Murray, please?- Oh, God.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Thanks.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Hello?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Hi. It's Cat.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46That's you, mate.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Hey. I want you to do me a favour.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Well, I don't even know you.
0:28:54 > 0:29:00Well, I'd be very...very grateful.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I need a name and address.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Why do I always end up with women who treat me like shit?
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Well, I'm not going to stand for it this time.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16- Oh, I've got to go. Bye. Sorry, I was...- Getting paid to chat to your mates, I can see that.
0:29:16 > 0:29:22Look, the celebrity booker's sick. We need someone to get out to the airport and pick up Marie Chambers.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Her flight's delayed, so get a taxi ASAP and get her back here fast.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31And no mistakes this time! Another fiasco like yesterday and you're out of a job.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Erm...
0:29:42 > 0:29:45PHONE RINGS
0:29:45 > 0:29:48"Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message."
0:29:59 > 0:30:04- Name's Annie Cawthorne. That's an address.- Great. Thank you.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07It's a pretty rough estate on the Southside.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10- So what's this all about, anyway? - Oh, just some boring family stuff.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13- You wouldn't be interested. - I might be.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Why don't you, er, tell me about it over a pint?
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Sorry, can't. Places to go, people to see.
0:30:19 > 0:30:26- But I thought you said that we were going...- I said that I'd be very grateful. And I am. So thank you.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- Bitch. - Tell me something I don't know.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38I just really want it to go well this time. I'm hopeless at flirting.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41I get nervous and then I get too heavy.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45- Please, come on, Jay, you're great at this stuff.- OK! OK.
0:30:45 > 0:30:51Why not try asking her what's the most interesting thing she's ever done with her truncheon.
0:30:51 > 0:30:57- Jay, I am serious. - All right, I'm being serious now. General knowledge.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01- What's the capital of Australia? - I hate you. I really hate you. - It's interesting!
0:31:01 > 0:31:05Most people think it's Sydney. But it's not.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Marie...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Erm...
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Excuse me. Are you... Are you Marie Chambers?
0:31:47 > 0:31:53- Marie Chambers? - Yes. I heard you the first time. - Sorry.- I'm not bloody deaf.
0:31:55 > 0:32:00Ooh! Erm, are you OK? Are you OK? I'll just...
0:32:03 > 0:32:05It's just this way. Just...
0:32:05 > 0:32:10Oh! Wobbly lino. Somebody should do something about that.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17DISTANT SIREN
0:32:55 > 0:32:57SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Hello?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Hello?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49No, wait!
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Wait! I just want to talk to you!
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Hi, Mark, it's Tess again. Listen, I think....
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Don't think! Just get her the fuck over here! We go live in 20 minutes!
0:34:53 > 0:34:55"Hi, this is Cat. Leave me a message."
0:35:00 > 0:35:04We're really late and you're on the air in, like, ten minutes.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Why don't you take a seat here?
0:35:13 > 0:35:20And...erm... I'll go and see about the drink.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32Marie? Erm...Dr Chambers?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37- Shit. You are really late. - SHE SNORES
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- What's up with her? - She's drunk! She can't go on.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44- Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. - "Two minute call for Marie Chambers."
0:35:44 > 0:35:47- What are we going to do?- You do it.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50- What?- You're an actress. You do it.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55It's only daytime telly. I was an ASBO teen on a difficult neighbours feature. It was fine!
0:35:55 > 0:35:59Just...make some shit up. Or do you want to get the sack?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01- Cos you so will. - SHE SNORES
0:36:01 > 0:36:05If they go live without a guest, Lou will fall apart.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07"Marie Chambers due on set."
0:36:11 > 0:36:14- Have you actually read this? - Aye. Shite.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18"VT due to end in ten, nine, eight,
0:36:18 > 0:36:22"seven, six, five,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24"four, three..."
0:36:24 > 0:36:29- "OK, and Marie's all set. Let's go to introductions." - Today's phone-in feature
0:36:29 > 0:36:35is with Marie Chambers, the award-winning author of The Crucial Years - Your Child From 0 To 7.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I'm sure you're all dying to meet her. Come on in, Marie.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46Marie's drunk. Trust me, I'll get you through.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50Well, Marie, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54Tom and I are huge fans of your work and we're delighted you're here today.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- Thank you. I'm delighted to be here. - "OK, Lou, we're running late, let's go to phone-in."
0:36:58 > 0:37:04Right, I know loads of our viewers will want to talk to you. Shall we see who has the first question?
0:37:04 > 0:37:09- We have Lyn from Balmedie on line one.- Hi, Lyn.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13- Hi, Lyn.- Hi, Lyn.- "Hi, Marie. My little boy is four months old
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"but he still cries continuously through the night.
0:37:16 > 0:37:21- "I was wondering what you'd suggest. We're getting desperate."- Well...
0:37:22 > 0:37:28I can imagine if someone kept me up all night, I'd be pretty desperate, too.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33Unless they were hot, obviously. I mean a hot adult, not a baby.
0:37:33 > 0:37:39Anyway, erm, what I would suggest is reading to him.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43That should settle him. Has he heard Watership Down?
0:37:43 > 0:37:50- "He's four months old."- Yeah, well, advanced literature can be extremely stimulating to the young mind.
0:37:50 > 0:37:56It's like people in comas, isn't it? They don't seem... like they're listening...
0:37:57 > 0:37:59..but they are.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04Anyway, thank you, Lyn. We've now got Joanne from Stromeferry.
0:38:04 > 0:38:10- Hi, Joanne. - "Hi, Marie. My son, Johnny, is seven and he's constantly acting out.
0:38:10 > 0:38:15- "We've tried to give him reassurance but he's not getting any better." - Well, it sounds like Johnny's
0:38:15 > 0:38:21a bit of a handful. Some kids are just brats, aren't they, and there's not much you can do about it,
0:38:21 > 0:38:28except maybe, er, boarding school. That would... Or a really scary nanny.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31"OK, wrap it up! She's not Marie Chambers! Run the bloody makeup feature!"
0:38:31 > 0:38:36Well, thank you, Marie. That was enlightening, but I'm afraid it's all we've got time for.
0:38:36 > 0:38:42Now let's take a wee look at how Julianne got on with her makeover from earlier on.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Have you lost your mind?! What the fuck were you thinking?!
0:38:46 > 0:38:52- Marie was drunk. I tried to tell you. - Not bloody hard enough, obviously!
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Jesus! Where did you come from?!
0:38:55 > 0:38:59You're an imbecile. Get out. You're sacked!
0:38:59 > 0:39:02I never want to see your face again!
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- Hey.- Hey.- Someone's looking sharp.
0:39:14 > 0:39:19Don't I always? I'm picking Becky up from work. It's our anniversary dinner and I am late.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23- Help yourself to anything you want. - Actually, I want Cat's new address.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28- I was going to ask her about something.- It's 92 McClure Street, but it's not the best night.
0:39:28 > 0:39:33- She's on another date with that cop. - Whatever. It can wait.- Laters.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Hey. I, er, heard about what happened with Mark. I'm really sorry.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54Sod it, I don't care about this stupid job. It was never going anywhere.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58What I am upset about is you lying to me.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Well, hang on a second, I was tired but then...
0:40:00 > 0:40:05So you thought you'd blow me out and make me look like a fool in front of all my friends?
0:40:05 > 0:40:09It's one thing you saying I'm your school chum, it's a whole other thing you bullshitting me.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13And by the way, I don't give a shit about what the tabloids say.
0:40:13 > 0:40:19It's you who's the coward here, because that's what it comes down to, you're a complete coward.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21LOU SOBS
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Come on, don't cry.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30No, you're right. I am a coward.
0:40:31 > 0:40:38Look, I was going to come last night, I really was. I got ready and then I just bottled it.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42I felt terrible, and that's why I went for a drink.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49But if you're fed up with me, I'd understand.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51I never said that.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55It's OK.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01- It's not like I'm perfect. - SHE LAUGHS - No, but you're very funny.
0:41:01 > 0:41:07- It wasn't funny, it was lunatic. - Well, you were a damn sight more interesting than she would've been.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Erm...
0:41:09 > 0:41:13Look, Tess...
0:41:15 > 0:41:19- ..I do really like you, you know? - I really like you, too.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36- KNOCK AT DOOR - Lou!
0:41:36 > 0:41:39THEY LAUGH
0:41:39 > 0:41:41- Lou, are you there?- Shit!
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- Want to come back to mine?- Sure.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07DOOR BUZZER
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Can I come in?
0:42:26 > 0:42:32- I tried to call.- Oh. Tess put my mobile in the washing machine.
0:42:32 > 0:42:33SHE LAUGHS
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Er, I'm here because I wanted to ask you something.
0:42:43 > 0:42:48- Do you remember my auntie ever talking about an Annie Cawthorne? - Don't think so. Why?
0:42:48 > 0:42:52It's a bit of a long story. Do you want to go for a drink? I owe you a pint after yesterday.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55- Sorry, I can't, I'm going out. - Oh, come on!
0:42:55 > 0:43:02- I'm not being funny, but you're not seriously interested in a cop, are you?- So you know I'm going on a date.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07- But you thought you'd just turn up anyway.- Like I said, I needed to ask you something.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11I can't believe you. Shame you weren't ever this interested when you had my full attention.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16Yeah, I should go. I'll fill you in another time.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20Wait. Seeing as you're here, there's something I want to ask you.
0:43:20 > 0:43:25Why did you do it, Frankie? Why did you get me to leave my girlfriend and then piss off to the States?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28- I told you, I wasn't ready. - Yeah, I remember.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Only you persuaded me, you pursued me.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34So "I wasn't ready" doesn't really make sense.
0:43:34 > 0:43:39- You weren't going to stay with her anyway.- Ah, and that makes it OK, does it?- I'm sorry.
0:43:39 > 0:43:44For fucking me over or for being a fuck up? If you want company, go and shag that receptionist.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48Or is she another one of your hit and runs? Anyway, like I said, I have to go out.
0:43:49 > 0:43:55And yeah, I do want to date a cop. She's honest and kind. And that's what I'm after these days.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08DOOR SHUTS
0:44:30 > 0:44:32So, why architecture?
0:44:32 > 0:44:37Well, I'm quite arty, so I like that about it.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41And you need to be precise, so that's good.
0:44:41 > 0:44:46I'm very tidy. I even iron my socks. I drive my flatmate mad.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50- Are you OK?- Yeah, fine. Why?
0:44:50 > 0:44:53You just seem a bit anxious, that's all.
0:44:54 > 0:45:00Sorry. It's not you, I'm just... Dates make me nervous.
0:45:00 > 0:45:05I'm bad at small talk, hopeless at flirting and I haven't been on one in a while, so I'm really rusty.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08That's OK. I tried on four different outfits before I came out
0:45:08 > 0:45:12- and then I nearly left the price tag in my shirt.- How much did you cost?
0:45:12 > 0:45:15£34.99. I'm very affordable. Almost a bargain.
0:45:15 > 0:45:18Well, it looks great on you.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21- The shirt.- So you can flirt.
0:45:21 > 0:45:25- That's not very advanced.- Maybe you just need some more practice.
0:45:25 > 0:45:29- Try me again.- Great smile.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35Yep, you're coming along very nicely.
0:45:38 > 0:45:40So how come you haven't dated in a while?
0:45:42 > 0:45:47I had a really bad breakup with someone, my best friend, in fact.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50We got involved and it sort of crashed and burned.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53The ex you'd run into the last time we had a drink.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57But you're over it now?
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Yep, I think I really am.
0:46:01 > 0:46:06I'm fed up of making the same mistakes. I want to date someone well-adjusted for a change.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09Sounds like a good plan. I should fix you up with someone.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13# Crashing
0:46:13 > 0:46:16# And crashing
0:46:16 > 0:46:19# Crashing
0:46:19 > 0:46:21# And crashing
0:46:22 > 0:46:25# Picking up
0:46:27 > 0:46:31# The glittering parcel
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Actually, I'm...I'm really glad we're giving this another go.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43That is such a relief, cos I'm bursting for the loo
0:46:43 > 0:46:47and I was really worried you wouldn't be here when I got back.
0:46:47 > 0:46:51- SHE LAUGHS - I'm not going anywhere.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57# Crashing and crashing
0:47:00 > 0:47:03# Shouldn't do it
0:47:03 > 0:47:05# Shouldn't do it
0:47:05 > 0:47:08# Shouldn't do it
0:47:08 > 0:47:10# Shouldn't do it
0:47:11 > 0:47:14# I never had the patience
0:47:14 > 0:47:17# For the lure of the west
0:47:22 > 0:47:24# Never had the patience
0:47:24 > 0:47:27# For the lure of the west
0:47:42 > 0:47:46# The look of love
0:47:47 > 0:47:51# Is a 20-20 vision converter
0:47:53 > 0:47:57# The look of love
0:47:58 > 0:48:03# Is a stone cold sucker's illusion
0:48:04 > 0:48:08# God of magic
0:48:09 > 0:48:13# God, you are magic
0:48:15 > 0:48:18# So damn cold
0:48:27 > 0:48:30TESS MOANS ECSTATICALLY
0:48:38 > 0:48:40Turn over.
0:48:40 > 0:48:41# The frost and the fire
0:48:41 > 0:48:44# The fire and the frost
0:48:44 > 0:48:47# The fire and the frost
0:48:47 > 0:48:49# It's not the man
0:48:49 > 0:48:52# It's not the man
0:48:52 > 0:48:56# It's not the man, it's the sun
0:48:58 > 0:49:01# And I never had the patience
0:49:01 > 0:49:04# For the lure of the west
0:49:09 > 0:49:11# No, I never had the patience
0:49:11 > 0:49:14# For the lure of the west
0:49:25 > 0:49:27Any good?
0:49:29 > 0:49:36Nah. Horoscopes are bollocks, but I like them because I'm Scorpio.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39Apparently, I'm mysterious and sexy.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43If I was a Virgo, I'd probably hate them.
0:49:44 > 0:49:48- What are you?- Virgo. SHE LAUGHS
0:49:48 > 0:49:53Sod it. Tact's never been my strong suit, but life's too short to get embarrassed, don't you think?
0:49:54 > 0:49:57So do you often steal stuff?
0:49:58 > 0:50:03Yeah, all the time. Although, I'm very ethical.
0:50:03 > 0:50:05I only rob from the big chains and the rich.
0:50:05 > 0:50:10- Sort of a modern-day Robin Hood? - Ooh! I like that!
0:50:11 > 0:50:16- Next time I get nicked, that's what I'm going to tell them. - So is there a Maid Marian?
0:50:19 > 0:50:23- What makes you think I don't fuck my merry men?- Call is female intuition.
0:50:25 > 0:50:28Nah. There's no Maid Marian.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30I think she might cramp my style.
0:50:33 > 0:50:37- I'm Sadie, by the way.- Frankie.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42FRANKIE LAUGHS
0:50:48 > 0:50:50Nice pad.
0:50:54 > 0:50:58Well, you weren't kidding when you said you were tidy.
0:51:00 > 0:51:04Do you want a drink? I've got tea, coffee, beer, wine.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06A beer. A beer would be great, thank you.
0:51:07 > 0:51:11- Casing the joint?- Nah. I'm just nosy.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21- So does he rent or is it on a mortgage?- What?
0:51:21 > 0:51:23Sorry. I'm an estate agent.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27I guess you must have to be quite brave doing your job.
0:51:27 > 0:51:30- SHE LAUGHS - No, not really.
0:51:30 > 0:51:36I'm a DS, Detective Sergeant, so mostly I just sit behind a desk and get other people to be brave for me.
0:51:40 > 0:51:45I remember when I first joined up and I was on the beat and I get a call to chase a suspect
0:51:45 > 0:51:50so I'm running around, I'm trying to find him and then I suddenly thought,
0:51:50 > 0:51:53"Shit, what am I going to do if I actually catch him?"
0:51:53 > 0:51:56- So what do you do? - I'm a photographer.
0:51:56 > 0:51:59Oh. That's much more glamorous.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02And did you catch him?
0:52:02 > 0:52:07No. I stopped looking and hid behind some bushes.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09But you still made detective.
0:52:09 > 0:52:14Yeah, I guess I'm pretty good at lots of other things.
0:52:15 > 0:52:21- I'm very photogenic. Do you want to take some snaps? - I don't mix business with pleasure.
0:52:21 > 0:52:24Were you hoping for stories of how big and butch I am?
0:52:25 > 0:52:31Not really. I think, if you were genuinely fearless, it might be a bit intimidating.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35You're right. Look at me, boring on about work.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40So, what shall we do instead, I wonder?
0:52:40 > 0:52:45- Fancy a fuck?- Always.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49I can be brave sometimes.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51Yeah?
0:53:03 > 0:53:06ECSTATIC MOANING
0:53:13 > 0:53:15ECSTATIC MOANING
0:53:21 > 0:53:24- MUFFLED MOANS - Do you think they're ever going to stop?
0:53:26 > 0:53:29Maybe we should make our own noise.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32- Drown them out.- Jay.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34I've got to get up in five hours.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39SHE SCREAMS AND MOANS
0:54:20 > 0:54:22Shall I call you a cab?
0:54:22 > 0:54:26I didn't bring any cash with me. Do you mind if I kip here?
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Yeah, whatever.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08MUFFLED VOICES
0:55:10 > 0:55:13It's gone. It was in the bathroom. I put it back in its box.
0:55:13 > 0:55:17It must be here. A necklace doesn't just go walkabout.
0:55:17 > 0:55:20- It isn't cos I've looked everywhere. - Who the hell could've taken it?
0:55:20 > 0:55:25- Frankie wouldn't have touched it. - She had someone here last night.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54Morning.
0:55:55 > 0:55:56Morning.
0:56:01 > 0:56:06- I wouldn't take you for the tattoo type.- Oh, I'm not really.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10It wasn't my idea.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14Whose was it?
0:56:23 > 0:56:25No-one important.
0:56:33 > 0:56:37Cat, this is Frankie. She'll be doing the photos for our brochure.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40Something was sent here. A photo album sent to Annie Cawthorne.
0:56:40 > 0:56:43Tell me why the hell you were there.
0:56:43 > 0:56:48- I know this is huge for you, I know it is, but we're going to be fine. - Yeah.
0:56:48 > 0:56:51If I lose out on this job because of her, I swear to God!
0:56:51 > 0:56:56- Who's that, then?- It's Hayley, the fit intern.- Is that her full title?
0:56:56 > 0:56:57Got your attention, then?
0:57:02 > 0:57:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd