0:00:04 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14FAINT FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Oh, God! - Come on!- Do not do this to me!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Bastards!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56TYPEWRITER KEYS CLICK
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I...haven't...
0:00:59 > 0:01:02danced...to the music!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10WHISPERS: 55?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22'Dear Vic, I know you're my sister and everything,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25'but you can be as daft as a brush sometimes.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27'To be brutally honest, I don't think you did see
0:01:27 > 0:01:30'Shakin' Stevens in the library, for two reasons.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34'A, wouldn't he just buy his own copy of The Thorn Birds?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36'Green Door was number one for three decades.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40'And B, I can just about imagine him in a swanky nightclub in Leicester,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44'but what's he doing in Melton Mowbray public library?'
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Nina?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Shall I close the door?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Good idea!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15'My news is that, unexpectedly, I'm a live-in nanny
0:02:15 > 0:02:19'for a busy, working single mum with two boys in north London.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20'It's a long story.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23'I didn't even tell you about the interview
0:02:23 > 0:02:26'because it was months ago, and it didn't work out then, anyway.'
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Tea?- Lovely.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Breakfast all right?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Erm...yes, thank you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It was just toast and marmalade, but it was very nice.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Would you like breakfast tea? - Is that normal?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Do you mean, is that normal for this time of day, or normal tea?
0:02:45 > 0:02:50Normal tea. I didn't know there was any other kind, actually.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52CHILDREN'S CHATTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Goal! - THUD
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Oh, the boys like football!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yep. Don't even talk to them about it. They are demented.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I've sent them out to play while we talk.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12We'll have about five minutes before there's a fight.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Let's go into the sitting room.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Come on, give it back!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Come back! Give it...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Have you just moved in?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30No. Does it look like it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Not at all.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Why do you keep looking at the floor?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I-I've never lived in a house without carpets everywhere.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42What's it like?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Not as exciting as one might think.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Do you ever lose things down the cracks?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49CREAK
0:03:49 > 0:03:51CLATTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Erm...you haven't worked much with children before.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Just the baby-sitting for my neighbours.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Er...so, why did you reply to the ad?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I wanted to move to London.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Was there a reason you thought I'd be good for the job?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I think the way it works is, you're supposed to tell me.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yes, but if my lack of experience is a problem,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21you wanted to interview me, anyway, so...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Ah! You've worked a lot with old people.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Ahem! Yes, in a care home.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Mm-hm. I was interested in that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Well, um...we played a lot of bingo
0:04:30 > 0:04:32and once a week, a slightly mad lady used to come
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- and she'd sing Vera Lynn songs. - No, no. Um...were they sick a lot?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Medical emergencies and so on?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Well, yes, of course.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Yeah. All the usual.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45The worse the better.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Right.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Because we have a lot of emergencies here.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Joe, I mentioned in the ad, he has some medical issues.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Well, I'm not a trained nurse.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I don't need a trained nurse, that's the thing. Um...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Joe's healthy most of the time.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02What I need is a nanny that doesn't flap.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Well, all I can say is, I'm capable and I wouldn't be afraid.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Good. Ah, well, um... Well, do you actually like children?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Well, if I didn't, it'd be a silly time to say so, wouldn't it?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Can you cook?- I have a bash.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22- Are you being modest?- No.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24What sort of thing do you bash at?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27On a good day, I can cook a very nice flan, for example.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Joe can't eat anything too chewy, or he chokes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Well, it's only chewy on a bad day.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Well, you can't afford many bad days.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Could you cope?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Well, I mean, I wouldn't want you to leave him with me this minute,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45but I'm presuming you'd give me instructions,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47and I'd follow them to the letter.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48DOOR CLOSES
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- You're such a cheater, Joe!- Oh!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52He cheated, as usual! I beat him, anyway.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I was Arsenal, so I didn't mind losing.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, you lying, bloody bastard! You were West Ham!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00You were West Ham, bad luck. So you just beat your own team.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02How does he cheat?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Who are you, actually?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05This is Nina.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07She might be your new nanny.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08- She'll do.- Not so fast.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- What's wrong with her? - We don't know anything about her.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Mum does, presumably. - She'll only know boring stuff.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Anyway, I'll leave you to it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I promised them they can interview all prospective nannies.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23They're the ones who have to get on with you.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28'I didn't know what they were going to ask me.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31'I thought it'd be about discipline and custard and so on.'
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Are you a virgin?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36'Which got us off to a tricky start, as you can imagine.'
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Not your business. Next question.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Do you think that means she is, or she isn't?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- How old are you?- I'm 20.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46She shouldn't be by now, so if she's not telling us, it means she is.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48'I mean, what would you have said?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50'If you were me, that is.'
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Move on, please.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- What's your favourite ice-cream flavour?- Strawberry.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- This is a fix. Mum's told her. - No, she hasn't.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58There's only three, really, and no-one ever says vanilla.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Starsky or Hutch? - Do you really care?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Exactly!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Which team do you want to win on A Question Of Sport?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I have to admit, that is a good question.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Mm. What are the teams?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Willie Carson or Bill Beaumont!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14If it helps, I'm Carson, he's Beaumont.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It doesn't help, really. I think I'll stay out of this one.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20All right, then, which football team do you support?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I don't know anything about football.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- You'll HAVE to learn. - And you have to say a team.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Well, I come from Leicester, so, um...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I suppose I'll have to say Leicester City.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Ugh!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Joe hates Leicester.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I didn't think anybody hated Leicester.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Joe does.- I do.- Why? - I hate everything about them.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Their players, their stadium, their shirts...- Oh, dear!
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Well, um...if they win, I won't cheer. How about that?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53No good. MUM!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Hang on.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Well?- Leicester City supporter.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I told you not to talk about football.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I didn't know how to get out of it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Well...too late now.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14CLOCK TICKS
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Hello?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21CAT MIAOWS
0:08:21 > 0:08:23BELL TINKLES
0:08:26 > 0:08:28CAT MIAOWS
0:08:34 > 0:08:36'So, in London, as far as I can work out,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40'you're expected to talk to children about the state of your hymen,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43'but you must never, ever mention Leicester City.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48'So I didn't get the job.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51'And then, after six months, George left a message saying
0:08:51 > 0:08:54'that the nanny who got the job was a disaster,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56'and was I still interested?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14'So here I am, at 55 Gloucester Crescent,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16'London NW1.'
0:09:16 > 0:09:17- Tag!- Tag!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- 'The boys are clever and funny...' - Bastard!
0:09:20 > 0:09:24'..although you and Mum would be horrified by their language.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27'Joe's medical condition involves the most complicated
0:09:27 > 0:09:30'list of symptoms you could imagine.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32'Eyes, chest, temperature, stomach.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36'Head-to-toe anxieties, really. But it's different.'
0:09:39 > 0:09:41RADIO PLAYS
0:09:43 > 0:09:45SHE SIGHS Hello!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- BOTH:- Shh!
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- ON RADIO:- 'And some of the concerns of this new collection are,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55'unfashionably, the concerns of the middle-aged intellectual.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58'Do you think that you can make yourself relevant
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- 'to a new generation of poetry-readers?'- God, no!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Please, we're trying to listen!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- ON RADIO:- 'I understand that poetry demands attention,
0:10:06 > 0:10:10'and attention is in short supply to this Johnny Rotten generation,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13'who are more used to gyrating their bottoms
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'than to close, solitary reading.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18'But, you know, do we take the view
0:10:18 > 0:10:20'that evolution has gone into reverse
0:10:20 > 0:10:23'and that people are turning back into apes,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27'or do people with intellectual ambition keep trying?'
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- HE SIGHS - 'I say we keep trying.'
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Who is this miserable old sod?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- ON RADIO:- 'Malcolm Tanner, thank you very much.'
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- HE SIGHS - Oh, dear!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Nina, um...this is Malcolm. - Hello, Malcolm.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And why did he keep going on about young people's bottoms gyrating?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Malcolm...Tanner.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Oh.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yeah. You'll be seeing a lot of him.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Good.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09WHISPERS: Oh, shit!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12'Does the name Malcolm Tanner mean anything to you?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14'Me neither.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16'I thought I recognised him from the TV,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18'but I might've been getting him muddled up
0:11:18 > 0:11:20'with someone from Coronation Street.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22'One of Elsie Tanner's husbands, maybe.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25'He writes very clever poems and books and plays,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28'and I'm hoping he doesn't make me read any of them.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32'Anyway, it turns out he comes to eat with us nearly every evening.'
0:11:36 > 0:11:38What do you think?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- About what?- About nuclear war!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41- Ow!- Joe!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Joe gets very upset if anyone mentions nuclear war.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Well, it's an upsetting subject.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Have you been on any of the marches, Nina?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53No. I'm not sure we've had any in Leicester.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Well, people travel from all over.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Oh. How do you find out when they're on?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Well, what newspaper do you read? - My dad took the Mercury.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Well, that's the local paper.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You're unlikely to read about the marches in there.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Unless the Russians are targeting Nuneaton(!)
0:12:07 > 0:12:11That wouldn't be the Mercury. Nuneaton's got the Tribune.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Ah...- It's pathetic that we're never allowed to
0:12:14 > 0:12:16mention nuclear war, ever.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Um...it's an inappropriate subject for the dinner table, anyway.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Thank you!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24What about in the event of a nuclear attack? Can we talk about it THEN?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28If you see a mushroom cloud out of the window, you may point it out,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30calmly, before putting your plate in the dishwasher.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Can we please not talk about this?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I'm guessing that when Nina asked what we thought,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38all those hours ago, she was referring to the dinner.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- My new favourite, I think. - Yesterday, you said macaroni...
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- MALCOLM:- Well, I have to say that, despite my reservations,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46it's really not bad at all.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Thank you.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52But if you're asking for tips on how it could have been improved...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I wouldn't use tinned tomatoes next time.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Right.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Actually, the recipe said tinned.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01What was the recipe for, actually?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's called hunter's stew.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Oh, well, all the more reason to use fresh. Hunters would.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12I'd have thought hunters would only worry about the meat side of things.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They don't go around shooting tomatoes.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It doesn't matter, anyway.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Because we're all going to die in a nuclear war.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Trevor Brooking!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- I don't think I know who Trevor Brooking is.- God.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27He's a West Ham player, and he's not God, he's average.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ooh, I have some gossip.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Ooh! Good!
0:13:31 > 0:13:35It's for your mother, when you go up to do your homework.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37She'll pass it on to us. She always does.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I pretend I do. You don't know the half of it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- What's the other half?- Sex stuff. - Not interested.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46What people do with their privates is their own business.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Well, this IS sex stuff.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Right, boys, you can get down.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Isn't there any pudding? - There's rice pudding.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Tinned?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56No. Home-made.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Ohh. I like tinned.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06'Honestly, Vic. This is what they're like.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08'They're very clever and everything,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10'but you'd drive yourself mad trying to work out
0:14:10 > 0:14:12'which tinned goods are acceptable.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15'Who's more likely to know how to cook a hunter's stew?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19'Him, a bloke who can't be bothered to cook his own tea,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22'or the Good Housekeeping Illustrated Cookbook?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24'Once the kids go to bed,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27'Malcolm and George like to have a good gossip.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28'They're never nasty,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31'but I'm always intrigued by the subject matter.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35'Tonight, it was venereal disease, specifically crabs.'
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- He's been fucking the lady in the dry-cleaner's.- Ohh!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Hang on, which dry-cleaner's? The one we go in, or the other one?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52No, it's the other one.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Thank you!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I've started going because I wanted to look.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Is she worth it?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Hmm, well, she's no Gina Lollobrigida.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Surely Gina Lollobrigida isn't Gina Lollobrigida any more.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12As was. Anyway, he seems regretful now.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Hmm. I wonder if she gives him a discount.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's kind of a false economy if she does,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- what with all the prescriptions and the shampoos.- Yeah.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Can't they get into your clothes?
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Well, yes.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29And your bedding.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Well, don't you see?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Huh?- I'm not sure that we do.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37She's creating her own dry-cleaning.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39The bedding, the clothes..
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, no, she can't be that devious, surely?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Maybe not. But the benefits of the discount... Pff!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Oh, yes, yes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Long gone.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56'So it turns out that there are two people in the street called Jamie,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59'and I have absolutely no idea whether it's Jamie One or Jamie Two
0:15:59 > 0:16:01'who is the carrier of the crabs,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03'and I didn't feel it was my place to ask.'
0:16:03 > 0:16:05But what do you think the chances are?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07On a scale of one to ten?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Zero.- You can't have zero on a scale of one to ten.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And anyway, it can't be zero, can it?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15If there were no nuclear bombs in the world,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18then you could say zero. But there are. There are loads.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Shut up, Max. - You brought the subject up.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- You're influencing her scoring.- How?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You're telling her there are loads of nuclear bombs in the world.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Now she might think, "Oh, I'd forgotten about that,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- "I'd better say eight."- I know there are loads of nuclear bombs.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- I still say it's one. - What happened to zero?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Max said I wasn't allowed zero.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Ignore Max. This is our conversation.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39All right, zero.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Max's right. That's stupid.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- There are loads of nuclear bombs. - Two, then.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48We've gone from zero to two in two seconds.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's like the Doomsday Clock.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Do not tell him about the Doomsday Clock.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What's the Doomsday Clock?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I'm going to kill you, Max, you little bastard.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02SHE SIGHS
0:17:02 > 0:17:03# This time
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# More than any other time This time
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# We're going to find a way
0:17:09 > 0:17:12# Find a way to get away this time
0:17:12 > 0:17:15# Getting it all together
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# We'll get it right. #
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Hey, Joe, do you want to go and play Subbuteo?- Yes!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Uh, no!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You're not finished yet!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- We are!- We are!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, hell.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31DOOR BELL RINGS
0:17:31 > 0:17:33SINGING CONTINUES
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Oh, hello...Jamie.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Is George in?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48No. She should be back soon.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Do you want to come in and wait? - Thank you.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I am starving.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Right, um...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Well, there's all sorts in the fridge.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Thank you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I'm not sure that, um, you're allowed to...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Oh, George is used to me helping myself.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32She doesn't like it much, but she's used to it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Where are the boys?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Upstairs playing Subbuteo.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Do you want to go up and have a - what do you call it? -
0:18:40 > 0:18:42um, with the...? A flick?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Are you a flicker?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Not really, and that's an illegal action, by the way.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Illegal?- Yep. You're not allowed to use your thumb
0:18:51 > 0:18:54as a springboard. Look it up.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- There's a big grease stain on your shirt.- I know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I've only just picked up my laundry from the dry-cleaner's.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- They're good there, aren't they? - Yeah, they're all right.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Better than all right, su...surely?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Good, I think.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19The ones on the right as you go down the hill.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Mmm.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23But I suppose it depends on
0:19:23 > 0:19:26what you're looking for in a dry-cleaner.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28If it's just the cleaning, then...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I'm sorry, would you mind washing your hands, please?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Thoroughly?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Joe, he has a range of complex health issues.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I didn't think it had anything to do with germs.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44So you're saying you'd rather leave the germs on your hands
0:19:44 > 0:19:46and just hope for the best?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- No, of course not.- Right, well, then, thank you very much.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It just reduces the worry, you see.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I'm a terrible worrier.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01What are you worried about?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Um...
0:20:03 > 0:20:04nuclear war.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08An, um, hygiene, obviously.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Loose morals.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15What's your definition of loose morals?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Just the same as everyone's - shoplifting...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21..sex.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Is that all sex, or just some of it?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Not all sex, no. Um...
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Just sex with people you don't know very well,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36or who you've only met in a sort of business or retail environment.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Business or retail environment?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Yes, um... Sorry, I'm just thinking off the top of my head here.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45But is that something that's rife?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Sex between people who have only met
0:20:47 > 0:20:51in a sort of business or retail environment?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I'm going to go and hang some washing out.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15'I know I don't give you handy hints very often, Vic, but here's one.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20'Never wash a frying pan in TCP or other antiseptic liquids.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22'You'll never get rid of the smell.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26'I had to chuck it out and find one exactly the same.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30'Nobody ever talks about the hidden costs of promiscuity.'
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- I used fresh tomatoes. - So I noticed.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46He doesn't like the skins.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50The thing is, you can use tinned tomatoes for Bolognese.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53The sauce disguises the tinniness.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55SIGHING: Right.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57But if I use fresh in the hunter's stew,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00then I should skin the tomatoes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You'll soon get the hang of it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06'But why should I get the hang of it, Vic?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09'If I'd been told from the off that I'd be cooking for two children
0:22:09 > 0:22:13'and an internationally acclaimed poet and novelist every evening,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16'I might have thought twice about taking the job.'
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I'm sorry about your visitor this afternoon.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Oh, that's all right.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Oh, he didn't, did he?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25No, no.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Oh.- Didn't what?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28It's not relevant.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Jump on you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31He only did it the once.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33With you? MAX SNORTS
0:22:33 > 0:22:35No. Don't be rude, Max.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- It was your predecessor. - Is that why she left?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39No, no. He's harmless.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42It's the wandering in and helping himself to a fry-up
0:22:42 > 0:22:44that's much more irritating.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49It actually made me feel really uncomfortable.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Really? Why?
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Well, it's the thing you didn't want to talk about the other night.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58What thing?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59The, um...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02(The medical condition.)
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Were we talking about a medical condition?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18There's a medical condition called "two ducks"?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Wasn't that one crab?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Yes! One crab.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- One crab?- Except more than one.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26You know?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27More than two?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Just plural, I'm not thinking of a specific number.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- CRABS.- Yes!- Oh, I see!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37That's what we were talking about.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Perhaps if you don't want the children to know,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43it's best not to use a children's game to impart the information.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I didn't think you'd be so slow.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Why is it called "crabs"?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I suppose because the lice resemble crabs.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Can we please not talk about this at dinner?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55The point is, I wasn't happy with him in the kitchen,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57putting his hands all over the pots and the pans.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59It's... Eurgh.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Oh, no, no, no. It's not... It's not him.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- It wasn't him?- No! - SHE CHUCKLES
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- It wasn't him? - No, no, no, not that one.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11No. No, God, no.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13No, he's...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Well, put it this way,
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- he doesn't require the services of a dry-cleaner. - MALCOLM CHUCKLES
0:24:19 > 0:24:21He had a big grease stain on his shirt.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I was speaking metaphorically.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Oh, God.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I asked him to wash his hands.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Well, it's never bad advice.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33What do you mean, they look like crabs?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I suppose because they have little pincers.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- And they bite your thing?!- I don't think the pincers are relevant.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I think, well, you just itch in your pubic regions, I don't know.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- But you really don't have to worry. - Not yet.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51(Christ.)
0:24:53 > 0:24:55He's terrified of crabs.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58There we are, then.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Where are we? - We've found Max's nuclear war.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Sexual disease!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Um, have you made your rice pudding?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I got tinned.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- TUTTING:- Oh.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22'I hope this gives you a flavour of intellectual London life.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25'It's all tinned versus home-made rice pudding...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29'..tinned versus fresh tomatoes,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31'a lot of discussion about when you're allowed to mention
0:25:31 > 0:25:34'the impending nuclear apocalypse and, on special nights,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37'games where you have to guess the name of the venereal disease.'
0:25:37 > 0:25:38- Hello, Joe!- Hi, Jamie!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41'Oh, talking of which, or of whom,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45'we ran into the culprit, and the boys behaved very badly.'
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I've got crabs, I've got crabs!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I've got crabs, I've got crabs!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Boys!- You're slowly going to die of radiation sickness,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- and so will everyone else you know. - Crabs, crabs, crabs!
0:25:58 > 0:25:59'I think I might be happy here,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02'even though the best-looking boy in the street
0:26:02 > 0:26:05'already thinks I'm hopeless.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08'Which I am, most of the time.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11'Will you send me your recipe for cheesy tuna pasta?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13'That might help.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16'Love, Nina.'
0:26:44 > 0:26:47'PS, I have been giving the boys little homilies,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50'I think they're called, just like Mary Poppins.'
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Look, Joe, that cloud looks just like the FA Cup.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Oh, yes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Well, the League Cup, anyway.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Ha-ha! You just trod in dog poo!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Oh, Trevor Brooking!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Ah! Joe, no, listen.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Never stop looking at the clouds,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07no matter how much dog poo is beneath your feet.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Ha-ha! Pooey Joe!
0:27:09 > 0:27:10- Poo!- Just wipe it off, come on. - Pooey!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Stop it, leave him alone.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I've done it loads of times, and I've got no shoes on.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Pooey Joe, pooey, pooey, pooey Joe!