0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12'Dear Vic, thanks for the fish pie recipe.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16'The news from here is that there have been developments with Nunney,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19'and it turns out that it's not a good idea to sleep with someone
0:00:19 > 0:00:23'who lives three doors away. It's really bloody awkward, in fact.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25'I bump into him all the time,
0:00:25 > 0:00:27'and he hardly makes eye contact.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30'The sad news is that Joe has been really poorly again
0:00:30 > 0:00:33'so, unfortunately, I've had plenty of time
0:00:33 > 0:00:36'to read the wretched books Nunney lent me.'
0:00:36 > 0:00:39RADIO TUNING
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- RADIO:- 'So, there's a tense day's cricket ahead of us here.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48'Yes, if they can repeat any of that form from the Oval, then...'
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Right, now, remember, if anything happens
0:00:50 > 0:00:53and you get too excited, we'll have to turn it off.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59So I can only listen as long as it's boring?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01That's about the size of it.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- RADIO:- 'Yes, what a phenomenal stroke!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'But now, you know, they just need to stay there
0:01:06 > 0:01:07'for the rest of the day.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10'Gower getting close to his century, so there's still hope.'
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Sounds like you'll be all right for a while.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15'He lifts his bat, still fighting for a draw.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19'Jones runs in.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22'Oh, my goodness me, he's bowled it!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24'It was never going to happen, really, was it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27'So, Taylor undone by a brilliant piece of cricket...'
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- That exciting?- No.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33'And that's the last of the resistance, you would have to say.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36'That's the way it goes. Well played, New Zealand.'
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Oh, Trevor Brooking! And Ian Botham!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Sorry, Joe.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Now what am I supposed to do?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Let's read.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Enoch Blyton?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Yeah...
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Yeah!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It's a, um... It's a Diggory Venn adventure.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Diggory Venn? I don't know him.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Classic Enoch name, though.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Yes. Diggory Venn is a reddleman.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- What?- I said, Diggory Venn is a reddleman.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15That's what I thought you said.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- A reddleman?- A reddleman is a chap who paints sheep...red.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- For fun?- No, it's his job.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Brilliant! That's my future sorted out, then.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Finally.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27SHEEP BLEAT
0:02:27 > 0:02:29'No, this is olden times, though.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:31HE SIGHS
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Oh, hell! Are we going to read an olden-times Blyton?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Yeah. OK.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42So, Diggory Venn, the reddleman, he's in love with Thomasin.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Diggory and Thomasin?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Yes.- This isn't actually Blyton, is it?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49No.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It's a book Nunney lent me.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- It's rubbish.- Yes, I know.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It's full of stupid plot twists and ridiculous coincidences,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and I hate it! What am I going to do?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Why do you have to read the books that Nunney gives you?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- I want him to think I'm clever. - Oh, I get it!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09You want to read it to me so I can explain it to you.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm very good at English.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13SHE CHUCKLES
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I don't know why you're laughing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I'm offering you a good deal.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Right, so, there's...there's... there's Diggory and Thomasin,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28and then there's Clym and Eustacia.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Oh, hell. Look, do you mind if I explain it all another time?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34No.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35I understand.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- A Barney mystery?- Yes, please.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And do you know what?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I wouldn't read that Diggory Venn, the reddleman, even if
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Trevor Brooking lent to me.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Is that likely?- He's very clever.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51He got 11 O levels and two A levels.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54That's more than I've got.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Are you ready?- Mm-hm.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"Four children were singing at the tops of their voices
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"in a car that was going up a steep mountainside road..."
0:04:13 > 0:04:15NINA SIGHS
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- My turn?- He's having a nap.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I'm quite worried about him.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yeah.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25What does that mean?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Yes, I see you're worried.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31But you're not?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm not sure "worried" is the right word.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43This is his condition.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48He has frequent health crises, the inevitability of eye damage,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50sight problems when he's older.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Do I think it's awful? Yes, I think it's awful.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Do I feel helpless and wretched?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Yes, I feel helpless and wretched.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Do I worry? Uh, I suppose worry is in there somewhere.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05But it gets lost amidst all the other stuff and, anyway,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08it's the least powerful and least useful of my feelings.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11But I'm glad you're worrying for both of us.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Thank you, that's very helpful.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Oh, fuck! - CAT MIAOWS
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Fuck that fucking thing!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Why do we even have a cat?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Who in this house gets a single fucking second of pleasure from it?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Thanks.- Bye.- Bye.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"Adult cat wanted. Neutered."
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- So, was she interested when you spoke to her?- Do we know it's a her?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Anyway, I haven't done anything about it yet.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I thought we should talk to the boys.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Are you mad? Someone is going to beat us to it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54No-one wants their cat. Phone her this second.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:06:18 > 0:06:20ENGAGED TONE
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- Engaged.- Told you, someone's beat us to it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, bloody hell. Keep trying.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Zero...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35ROTARY PHONE DIALS OUT
0:06:54 > 0:06:56What's in there?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Erm, Lucas.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Dead?- No, no.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He's going to live somewhere else.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You mean heaven? How old do you think I am?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Honestly, he really is going to live somewhere else.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- He's not dead. - He's being transferred?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Poor old Lucas.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14He'll have a nice time where he's going.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Did someone put in a big offer,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20or are we just getting him off the wage bill because he's hopeless?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Um, I suppose it's the latter.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23He's hopeless.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27That's not very nice.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I'm just calling him names. You're actually chucking him out.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34No, I'm not... I'm not chucking him out, exactly.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38We're just... We are helping him to be happier...
0:07:38 > 0:07:39somewhere else.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44So why was he hopeless? What did he do wrong?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It wasn't that he did anything wrong, exactly, he just...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50He didn't do enough right.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Did you enjoy his company?
0:07:52 > 0:07:53He's a cat.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Well, exactly. All take, no give.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Like Joe. That's who I would have got rid of.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, that really isn't very nice because he can't help being ill.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04No, I like him when he's ill - he's upstairs.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07It's when he's well that he's really annoying.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Can I come with you?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I'll go and tell your mother. Keep an eye on Lucas for me.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15George! >
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I think he IS dead now.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I don't like looking after dead things.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24No.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26CAT MIAOWS
0:08:26 > 0:08:28See? Fit as a fiddle.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30MEOWING CONTINUES
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- There it is.- Great.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39OK.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Hello.- Hello.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Can I help you?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54We've come with the cat.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh, yes.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Could I have a look at him?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I don't want him to make himself at home if he's not right.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Oh, are you seeing others, or...?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Only one or two.- Right.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I didn't realise it was an interview situation.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Well, it isn't, really. I wouldn't know what to ask a cat.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Erm, right, I'll hold the box, you open it up.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Are you sure he's not dead?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- Yes!- Is he unwell?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24No, no, no! He's as fit as a fiddle.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Max is just being really, really stupid and unhelpful.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Open it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Oh, what's his name?
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- Lucas.- Lu... I'll be calling him Johnny, if that's OK.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Hello, Johnny!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I lost my best friend, you see.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Was it a cat?- Yeah.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Johnny.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- I'm sorry.- He was 18.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54What's that in cat years?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I was talking in cat years.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59If Johnny had been a dog, he would have been a lot older.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Would he still be dead, though? How do you work it out?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Well, Johnny got run over, so I suppose so.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He would have been on a lead, though, if he were a dog.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Stop now, Max!
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Oh, you are just as handsome as other Johnny, aren't you, Johnny?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16SHE BLOWS KISSES
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Why don't you want to keep him?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19All take, no give.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I don't mind that.- Just as well.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Thank you for bringing him.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Give me a call in a day or two when I've seen the others
0:10:28 > 0:10:32to find out if your application has been successful.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36But I CAN tell you that Johnny is a very strong candidate.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38SHE MOUTHS
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Bye-bye.- Bye.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Bye...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Christ's sake! We have to go all the way home with this box now.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50She shouldn't have started calling him Johnny
0:10:50 > 0:10:53if she's not going to make her mind up. He'll be confused now.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55They can cope. Come on.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Right.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What's wrong now?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10What do you mean, now?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13It makes it sound as if there's always something wrong.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Not always, just often.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Well, I have questions,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20and they're not complaints.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23May I ask one of them?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25One.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Well, this mince in the sauce...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yeah, I knew he was going to say something about that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36- What about it?- Well, from which animal does it derive?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Urgh!- What's the matter? - You couldn't give Lucas away
0:11:40 > 0:11:43so you had to go and cook him! Urgh!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45We're eating Lucas?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Don't be so daft, Max. You can't eat cat.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49That's not the reason why we're not eating him.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Even if we could, we wouldn't.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Why on earth do you think we're eating the cat, Max?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Because Stibbe tried to give him away and the old lady said no,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and I haven't seen him since we came back
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and now we are eating Bolognese which isn't made of Bolognese.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- It's turkey.- Is it really?!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06That's very surprising.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's delicious.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Why are we giving Lucas away?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Erm, well...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17an old lady has just lost her cat.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19She would very much like a new one.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yeah. We don't think we get much value out of Lucas.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Well, we're getting value out of him now. He's tastier than he looked.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Please, Malcolm. He's joking, boys. - Well, he's not funny.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31HE MOUTHS
0:12:31 > 0:12:33The new owner wants to call him Johnny.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I love Lucas.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You do not love Lucas.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I'm used to him, then. I don't want him to go anywhere.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41We can't give him away.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- It's Buckaroo all over again. - Oh, don't start him off on Buckaroo.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47We don't know he's going anywhere yet.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- She's seeing a couple of others. - What, she's interviewing?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53She's just having a look and a stroke, really.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57PHONE RINGS
0:13:02 > 0:13:04SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Hello.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Hello, Mrs Peyton.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Well... No.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17No fun at all.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I mean, if a cat can't purr AND it has adenoids, well,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23you might as well get yourself a husband.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28No, no, I didn't mean instead of Lucas slash Johnny.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Well, that's lovely.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Yes, we'll see you, then.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Thank you, bye.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Yes!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- Oh, hello. How funny. What a coincidence.- What is?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I was just thinking about you, and here you are.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Small world, Primrose Hill, isn't it?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Yeah.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- See you.- Bye.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Oh, hi, Nunney.- Hello, Ray. - Hello, everyone.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- RAY:- Trevor Brooking is rubbish.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27We can't go on meeting like this.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I think we will, while we live three doors away from each other.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31It's just an expression.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I'm aware, I'm just pointing it's inappropriate in this context.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I was just being jokey.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I mean, of course we are going to keep bumping into...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh, my God.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53What?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You don't think that's weird?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59It's cheese and tomato pizza.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Everyone eats cheese and tomato pizza.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Or ham.- Well, it's one or the other.
0:15:03 > 0:15:0750-50. No-one likes the Hawaiian one with all the pineapple.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12But at exactly the same time, two people who've...slept together...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14This is our local supermarket.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17And our, whatever, relationship,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19it's sort of locally based, isn't it?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Why don't you want to admit that coincidences, that they do happen?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'm just trying to introduce a note of mathematical probability.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Been reading your book, Return Of The Native.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32How are you getting on?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Well, I...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Are you free after this?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Don't fancy going for a stroll, do you?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- A stroll?- Is that like asking if you've got any hobbies?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46No, it's just a bit like Brideshead Revisited, isn't it?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- Never watched Brideshead. - It was a book first.- Christ!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Forget it!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Bloody hell!- George is obsessed with turkey mince.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Oh, listen, I'm sorry, I would love to go for a stroll.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I thought you'd be interested in the coincidences.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16You gave me the wretched book.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I am! I mean, the newsagent one wasn't that...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22No, you're right, they're all spooky.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Do you want a hand?- No.- OK.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- George said this would happen. - What?- The murkiness.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- Where is there murkiness? - Between us.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- What, do you mean because of...? - Yes.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I'm not like that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- Like what?- I'm not...murky. I've slept with three people,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and I'm very good friends with the other two.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Well, great, bully for you! - What about you?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48I'm not going to divulge numbers,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50but I never want to see the others ever again.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Oh, right. So, actually, you're the murky party.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55If you have to apportion blame.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57So, what do you think of Hardy?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00All right. Too many coincidences.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- Ironically.- Wouldn't write about them in a novel, though.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06That was one of my A level questions.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09"Discuss the role of coincidence in Return Of The Native."
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- What did you say? - Didn't choose that one.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- What else was there?- Erm,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"Return Of The Native has been described as
0:17:16 > 0:17:18"Hardy's most modern novel.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- "Do you agree?"- No. Unless he wrote it after all the others,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23then it would be, wouldn't it?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Well, he didn't. So what would you say
0:17:25 > 0:17:27if you had to answer that question?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I'd say, "Lead me to the nearest reddleman."
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- You're a natural. - I'm not, though, am I?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I don't know what to say about books.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Maybe these people are more like you than you think.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Like me?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Yeah, it's a good way into books.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You look for the parts that make sense to you,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47the characters you know from your own life, their complications.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I don't know any characters from my own life.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Not complicated ones, anyway.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'm a bloody nanny!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Maybe you won't be for ever.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58SHE SIGHS Yeah.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I'd better go and start tea.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23THUDDING
0:18:38 > 0:18:41What are you doing?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Freezing all this wretched turkey mince.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46How much did you buy?
0:18:46 > 0:18:4816 packets, like you told me.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Of course I didn't tell you to buy 16 packets!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55You wrote it down on a piece of paper.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59It actually said 116 but I presumed you couldn't have meant that.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01There.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05No, that is 1 lb - one pound,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07not 116, you berk.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Fucking hell! That's the final straw.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Right, what's the matter? - I don't get literature...or men.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28You can forget about the latter, there's nothing there to get.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Books, more complicated.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32What are you reading?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Not much, just the first few chapters of Return Of The Native.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Well, maybe Hardy isn't for you.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Well, why shouldn't he be, if he's for you and Nunney?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45All I'm saying is that he isn't for everyone,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47and it's no reflection on you if you don't respond.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I'm going to make myself respond, even if it kills me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52THUDDING
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Is this about Nunney?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Nunney, you, Malcolm - you are all responding away.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It pisses me off.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07FRIDGE DOOR SLAMS
0:20:13 > 0:20:15'Dear Vic, do you think that literature
0:20:15 > 0:20:17'connects to our everyday lives?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21'When I was trying to persuade Joe that he wouldn't miss Lucas the cat
0:20:21 > 0:20:24'and that he'd be much happier with Mrs Peyton...'
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Joe!
0:20:25 > 0:20:30'..I thought, no, Thomas Hardy has absolutely nothing to do with me.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36'Nunney says he does but, honestly, on an average day,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38'it's pretty hard to see how.'
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- TV:- '..Physics and life sciences,
0:20:43 > 0:20:47'Galileo 2 is one of the nation's leading facilities
0:20:47 > 0:20:49'for remote sensing.'
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I'm not feeling very well.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh, bubba.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Do you need to poo?- No.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58'And then Joe had one of his crises,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01'and everything seemed very bleak and windswept.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04'They often start after mealtimes and can be very frightening.'
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Can you fetch my valium, please, from my bedside drawer?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25'And quite often he gets better as quickly as he got ill...'
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Oh, we're back in 5D.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31'..and we all feel a bit embarrassed about the fuss we've caused.'
0:21:31 > 0:21:33You had a turn.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- I'm OK now.- You haven't even seen the doctor yet.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Oh, don't do this again. - I can't help it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41No, I know you can't help the getting ill bit,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43but I wish you wouldn't get better quite so quickly.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45They must think I'm a complete nutcase.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47At least when the doctor comes in,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- could you pretend to be a bit floppy?- Can I be...?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52What is it when you start thinking you're in a tent
0:21:52 > 0:21:54in the middle of the Sahara and Bergerac
0:21:54 > 0:21:56puts his head through the flap?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Delirious? Mm.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Don't overdo it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:01 > 0:22:03How's he doing?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Um, about the same.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Maybe a little better.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- This has happened before?- Yes,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13his condition means he's suddenly prone to very high temperatures.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- What's he saying? - Oh, it's just rubbish.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Lucas is the family cat.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You'll be seeing Lucas later, old chap.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32No, Lucas gone...
0:22:35 > 0:22:39We just lent Lucas to someone else for a couple of days.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47A lonely old woman who's just lost her best friend.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- A cat.- Just borrowed?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh, speak properly.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57I know he's ill, but he can do better than that.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Well...I'm sure high standards are important at all times.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Can we see him again after the weekend?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Lucas will be back by then.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I'll be feeling much better, I'm sure.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I'm not joking about the Buckaroo.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, will you let it go?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Isn't it enough we've agreed to mug an old lady?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Mrs Browning was running the toy stall at the school fair.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31She'll remember who bought it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Why don't you just ask for a new Buckaroo for your birthday?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It would be a waste of a present. I never played it.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40You showed no interest in that cat, ever.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42When was the last time you fed him?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I love him! He's a member of the family.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48You can't just give away members of the family.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Hmm, first they came for the socialists
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- I thought we were.- No, I meant, are you worried you'll be next?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- You wouldn't.- I might.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I might give you to the old lady instead of Lucas.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Would she change my name?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- Probably.- Well, if it brings Lucas back,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I'll change my name to Trevor.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16By the way, you are the one that's going to knock on the door tomorrow
0:24:16 > 0:24:19because you're the one that caved in to him.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22No, I'm afraid that's why I employ you. I'm a busy working mother.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I can't be knocking on doors, reclaiming cats.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32He's happy to be home, you can tell.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38- MALCOLM:- Well, he certainly enjoys the turkey mince...more than we did.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- We don't have to have it every night.- Actually, we do.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44My own view is that it's more successful disguised
0:24:44 > 0:24:46in a Bolognese sauce.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Thank you for that.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Oh, I thought you liked feedback. - Why did you think that?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Max, do you fancy a game of Buckaroo before University Challenge?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I suppose we might as well play it once.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, I couldn't see how that was going to work but it has.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Where did you get it from?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It's Mrs Peyton's rejected candidate.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08What, the one with the adenoids that can't purr?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Mm-hm. The owners could not believe that we wanted it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- We don't.- He doesn't look anything like Lucas.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- I can't believe they've fallen for it.- They know it's not him.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Really?- Yeah, they're not idiots.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Why are they pretending, then?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Well, Joe knew he couldn't break that old lady's heart
0:25:26 > 0:25:30and wanted to give you credit for making the effort.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32That's quite complicated.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33People are.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I've had a breakthrough with Return Of The Native.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- I've changed my mind.- About what? - Hardy, books, the whole caboodle.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You have to interpret people.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55You don't always know what's going on.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57There's what they say and then there's what they do
0:25:57 > 0:25:59and then there's the stuff underneath,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01and literature is about the stuff underneath.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Wow, I hadn't expected my prescription to work so quickly.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Or at all, frankly.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Well, thanks a lot. Anyway, what should I read next?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Erm, maybe you should try Jude The Obscure.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Read it with your new clever eyes.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Who's that by?- That's another Hardy.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Oh, right. He's a bit like turkey mince, I find -
0:26:20 > 0:26:23you need a break every now and again.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- <- Ask her in if you have to.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- <- Don't stand on the doorstep all day talking about this rubbish!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35'Anyway, the thing about Hardy
0:26:35 > 0:26:39'is that he writes about ordinary people, peasants and so on -
0:26:39 > 0:26:42'people like Auntie Josie, I suppose -
0:26:42 > 0:26:44'and he gives them this inner life.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47'It's hard to imagine Auntie Josie with an inner life, isn't it?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49'But Hardy seems to think she may have one.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53'To cut a long story short, Auntie Josie and Thomas Hardy have led me,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56'in a roundabout way, to a big decision.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59'I'm going to take an A level.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01'Blimey! Love, Nina.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33'PS, George says she keeps being ambushed by a loose paving slab
0:27:33 > 0:27:35'on the crescent near the house.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38'I painted it red so she wouldn't trip on it any more...'
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Fuck!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42'..but I painted the wrong one.'
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Nina!