0:00:03 > 0:00:05Hold steady and down with dark.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08"Dear Vic, exciting news about the patio.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12"Meanwhile, my life is going backwards rather than forwards."
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Lift your bottoms up to the ceiling.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16No clenching.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19"Just as things were taking off with Nunney,
0:00:19 > 0:00:21"just as we were putting on our seatbelts
0:00:21 > 0:00:23"and looking at the safety instructions..."
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Watch those backs.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Point those toes.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Heels together.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31And back to downward tuck.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34"Anyway, he's decided to go travelling
0:00:34 > 0:00:36"with his friend, Dogman.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38"And I'm in the process of replacing him
0:00:38 > 0:00:41"in my life with my new nanny friend, Amanda.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43"Not in all ways, obviously.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46"Not yet.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50"Although it would be stupid to rule out all possibilities at this stage."
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Now, down to...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57"She wants to be an actress, so she's very flamboyant."
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Well done, that's lovely and expressive.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02"We've started yoga together.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05"I can't tell you how awful it is."
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Ugh! Ow!
0:01:12 > 0:01:17You've all done really well, so you can treat yourselves to a wind-down.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23So first,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25tense and relax your toes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Good. Tense and relax your feet.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32That's it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Now, your calves.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And relax.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Don't forget to breathe.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Now your thighs.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Now your bottom.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And relax.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- NINA SUPPRESSES LAUGHTER - Now your genitals.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53NINA GIGGLES
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Ladies, what just happened to Nina can happen to you
0:01:57 > 0:01:59if you're very lucky.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And what a nice way to start the day.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02AMANDA LAUGHS
0:02:02 > 0:02:04And this is a private space,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07so there is nothing to be embarrassed about.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10And we're going to tense and relax our stomachs.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- She thought I'd, um...- Yes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Oh, God! Is that so bad?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It is, isn't it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Just go back in and tell her nothing happened.- I can't do that.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- I'll go. I don't care. - You really don't, do you?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- It didn't happen to me. - It didn't happen to me, either.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Except everyone thinks it did.- Oh!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30What would I be thinking if a woman I didn't know had...
0:02:30 > 0:02:33wotsited in front of the whole class?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Wotsited?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I don't like the other words for it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Do you think "wotsited" is better?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's noncommittal.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'd be thinking, er...
0:02:42 > 0:02:43NINA SIGHS
0:02:43 > 0:02:45It's actually so bad, I'm thinking about emigrating.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47No, don't do that.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Not until Malcolm has helped with my audition piece.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Just knock on his door.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I don't know him, I need to knock on your door when he's there
0:02:53 > 0:02:55and just drop it into the conversation casually.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, you'd better be quick, because I will be in Australia by Friday.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Then she said, "your genitals."
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I don't see how she could've missed them out if she was going through everything.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Just because someone mentions toes and feet,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14it doesn't mean you're expecting them to start going on about genitals.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I think if she'd skipped over them, it would've been the elephant in the room.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- What would?- Nina's private parts.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21An elephant?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- He doesn't mean they're enormous. - Or grey and wrinkled.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And the trunk is an unhelpful image.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Unless she's a hermaphrodite.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Can we change the subject, please?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Thank you, Nina.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Time for Jim Rockford.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Plate.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39You haven't eaten much.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Nobody's eaten much.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It's very filling.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It's the turkey mince again, isn't it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Bloody turkey mince.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- Can we get a new bin? - Why do we need a new bin?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- This one's old-fashioned now. - You'll have to change it, George,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05otherwise Nina's with-it friends will be sniggering behind your back.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Pippa up the road has one of those bins where
0:04:08 > 0:04:11you open the cupboard door and the bin comes out
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- and then the lid lifts automatically.- Wow.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- I promise you, it's really good. - Can we go round and see it?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- It's not that good. - Really good but not that good?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Really good for a bin, but not really good for an evening out.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25We could visit after our homework.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- I'm having the first go. - It was my idea.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- I don't like hidden bins. - Neither do I.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I like everything out in the open.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35How Brechtian.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I found your keys.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Mm. I didn't know I'd lost them.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46No, I lost them. I found them again.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Oh. What would we do without you?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00So, er, what are we looking for?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Not West Ham.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Not Arsenal, not Tottenham.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Don't mind Chelsea, because they're rubbish.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10If they come from outside London, not Liverpool,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12not Manchester United, definitely not Leeds...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14No, we talked about this,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16we don't care what football team they support.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18You don't, you're buggering off.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20We're looking for someone that I can talk to,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24which means I need to know what team they support.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28You know, Max and Joe originally turned me down
0:05:28 > 0:05:30because I supported Leicester.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Do you?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34No, but I thought I had to say something.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Leicester are terrible. Always have been.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38That wasn't the point I was making.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- You must be Ray.- Why must I?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Because you're in a wheelchair.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Don't make trouble unnecessarily. Tom.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Hello, I'm Nunney. I'm the outgoing carer and this is our friend, Nina.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48HIS friend, Nina.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53So, Tom, what experience do you have in this line?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I worked with disabled adults and kids throughout sixth form
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and then again during university holidays.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- What did you do at university? - Sociology.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Rubbish subject. Next candidate, please.- What does that matter?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's hard enough listening to you two drone on about literature.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09What am I going to say to him?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10What team do you support?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Football?- Oh...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I'm not so keen on the round ball game.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
0:06:22 > 0:06:25We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28So, tense and relax your toes.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Good.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Tense and relax your feet.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35That's it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And now your calves, and relax.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42And your thighs, and relax.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Now your bottom.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48And relax.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Now your genitals.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58No luck today, Nina?
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Never mind.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Now, relax your hips.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- AMANDA LAUGHS - And tense and relax your stomach.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Nina!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13No, I can't come again.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Please, don't.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Why don't you just ask her not to do that bit?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- I'm not going to tell her what she can and can't do in her own lesson, am I?- This is ridiculous.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21No, don't!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01What did she say?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03She says she quite understands after last time.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Nothing happened last time. Did you tell her that?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09No, I didn't want her to know that every time someone says the word "genitals",
0:08:09 > 0:08:10you start giggling.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Anyway, she was very sympathetic
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and she says she'll avoid that particular part next time.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Everyone will know why. - I'm going to miss it,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I don't often give those parts the quiet contemplation they deserve.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Nobody's stopping you, but would you mind doing it in private?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You don't even want anyone thinking about them near you,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32that's got to be the definition of prudishness.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40What if she was quietly contemplating?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Please, will you stop it?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43AMANDA LAUGHS
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Are you just going to stay in there all day?- Yes, see you later.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Bye.- Bye!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Oh, I see. That's rather good.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Where did you get it from?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Nunney gave it to me. He doesn't need it any more.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Nunney's getting rid of stuff before he goes away.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Well, it's another ballpoint gone. Must be a weight off his mind.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I'm glad he's getting rid of it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I didn't want to see it every time I went round.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26He showed it to you every time you went round?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Is that Nunney's idea of seduction?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Why does everything have to be about sex nowadays?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33What else is about sex, apart from this pen?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Well, the yoga, for a start. - Is it really about sex?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Or does she just refer to your sexual parts?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Well, it's the same thing.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Sex and sexual parts are the same thing to you?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Yes. Like legs and walking.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You might not be doing it all the time, but it's why they're there.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- That and football.- Well, football's just a variety of walking.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I wonder what the sexual equivalent of football would be.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Yes, perhaps you can wonder at home later.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58What you're saying is that
0:09:58 > 0:10:02because they're sexual parts, you should never, ever mention them.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Well, if there's no need.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05When is there a need?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I don't know, er...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09at the doctor's, say?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Nina's right. There's less shame now.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It is Thatcher's fault.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16People just don't care.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:17 > 0:10:18I'll go.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Well, there is definitely more shame in Leicester.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- There's a lot more to be ashamed of up there.- Because of relegation.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26No, not because of relegation.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Why does everything have to be about football?- Or sex?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Oh, hello, Amanda.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Nice to see you. Are you two going out for a drink?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I've come to see Malcolm.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I want him to look at my thing.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41She's not talking about, um, her sexual part.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Oh, that's where you're wrong.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47My drama school audition is a sexual part.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire.- Oh, very good.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- And I want you to give me advice on my audition.- Oh...
0:10:58 > 0:10:59How are you, Amanda?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I'm fine. A bit stiff after our yoga.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Did Nina tell you what happened? - We don't need to go into all that.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09All what?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Nothing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15(The elephant.)
0:11:15 > 0:11:16What's the elephant?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's what we call Nina's private parts.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It is NOT what we call my private parts.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23She's thinking about emigrating now.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oh, I didn't realise that being asked
0:11:25 > 0:11:28to contemplate your sexual organs was an immigration issue.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I don't think she's told you the whole story.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Because it's not worth talking about.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34The yoga teacher thought Nina had...
0:11:38 > 0:11:39You know...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44..with all the tensing and relaxing?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- MAX:- She pooed? - Of course I didn't poo! I just...
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- I made a noise because I was trying not to laugh.- What sort of noise?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It was just a...
0:11:56 > 0:11:57SHE GRUNTS AND SQUEALS
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It was a bit more than that, it was more like...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING
0:12:03 > 0:12:05It was nothing like that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, dear, I actually think that emigration would be
0:12:08 > 0:12:09the appropriate response.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- I still don't get it. - It's porno stuff.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15No, it is NOT porno stuff.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18There is nothing pornographic about a woman's orgasm.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Oh! Eww!- Trevor Brooking!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- La-la-la-la... I'm not listening! - Trevor Brooking... Trevor Brooking!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- La-la-la!- Trevor Brooking!- Eww!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I don't know why you think I'd be any good.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35You've written plays
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and you're the only living playwright I have access to.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I wish you'd called on one of the dead ones.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- But... Go on, then.- Uh, I'm going to be performing a monologue...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50..by Blanche DuBois...
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT: - ..from A Streetcar Named Desire.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Yeah, I'd-I'd save the accent for the piece, if I were you.- OK.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- WITH ACCENT:- When people are soft...
0:13:09 > 0:13:16..soft people have got to court the favour of...hard ones, Stella.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Just... Just... Just lose the accent altogether, in fact.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Um... I've-I've got to be seductive...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- NORMAL VOICE:- Put on soft colours,
0:13:26 > 0:13:31the colours of butterfly wings and glow...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Yeah, m-maybe just... try the accent again.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37OK. Um...
0:13:37 > 0:13:42- WITH ACCENT:- M-Make... Make a little temporary magic.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Just in order to pay...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47..for one night's shelter...
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Excuse me...- ..that...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51They symbolise her mental disintegration.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Well, would you mind symbolising by, um,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I don't know, waving them around gently?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- WITH ACCENT:- That's why...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- NORMAL VOICE: - No, I'll just look mad.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'm not sure you've-you've quite got the hang of this acting lark.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Can I go on?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- WITH ACCENT: - I've run for protection, Stella,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16from under one leaky roof to another leaky roof
0:14:16 > 0:14:21because it was storm...all storm,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24and I was caught in the centre.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26People don't see you...
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Men don't...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31..don't even admit your existence unless...
0:14:34 > 0:14:38..they are making love to you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"Dear Vic, nobody has any shame except me.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Everyone does what they feel like doing, whenever they want.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"Amanda - nanny friend from up the road -
0:14:48 > 0:14:52"asked Malcolm to listen to her audition piece for drama school
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"and then behaved like a lunatic!"
0:14:54 > 0:14:55A bit much at the end there?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06"The yoga teacher keeps shouting things out about our genitals
0:15:06 > 0:15:07"for no reason...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12"And then there's Nunney, going where he wants, when he wants.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15"That probably isn't shameless, as such,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"but it feels selfish and unfeeling.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"I thought he might change his mind because of our situation, but no.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"Anyway, talking of shamelessness...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"did Margaret in your office
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"ever come clean about the chocolate digestives?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:33NUNNEY CHATS QUIETLY
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- So, Robert...- It's Robber.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Robber?
0:15:44 > 0:15:49- Like a...thief... I thought you said Robert on the phone.- No, Robber.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Why are you called that? - You know what they say...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Not all of it! SHE CHUCKLES
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He who asks no questions gets told no lies.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Hm.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Ah... I... I suppose it would be remiss of us
0:16:00 > 0:16:04if we didn't ask whether you're called Robber because of robbing?
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Well, that's a question.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Yep.- So now what do you want me to do?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12OK, this whole asking no questions thing,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14does it apply to job interviews as well?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's the beauty of it, it's across the board. It's a proper rule.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21It's not like I before E, except after C, or any...all of that.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- Yeah? There's no except. - What team do you support?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Oh, don't ask, Ray, he won't tell you the truth.- Of course I will.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Oh, well, there's an exception straightaway.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Have a guess.- Not Arsenal?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- God, no.- Not Spurs?- Keep going.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34No, can we not go through
0:16:34 > 0:16:37every football team in the world again, please?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It would be really helpful, um, Robber,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43if you just told him and we-we just moved on.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Oh, hello.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Hello.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- D'you come with the job? - ROBBER WHEEZES
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I suppose she does. She is Nunney's girlfriend at the moment,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56but he's buggering off, so...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59There's so much in that I take exception to.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Like what?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You don't come with the job, for a start.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05That's not so many things, though, is it?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08That's one thing and, um, yes, you are buggering off,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11which only leaves the thorny topic of our status.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Would you two mind if I carried on with the interview?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Come on, Robber, who do you support? - The pride of New Cross - Millwall!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Yes! You've got the job.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- No, we've got more people to meet. - No, we don't.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- Pleasure doing business with you. - You too.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26And we'll work out your hours when I start.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30HE LAUGHS
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- DOOR CLOSES - And you're absolutely sure he's not Robert?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36He corrected us.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It would be funny if he were ACTUALLY a robber.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Maybe that's the point of Nina's story.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- He's ACTUALLY a robber called Robber?- Well, not officially.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It's just that we're not sure which parts are unofficial.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Well, I don't want him coming to our house.- Well, why should he?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- Nunney comes round here all the time.- Not you as well? Right.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Will everybody please get into their heads
0:17:59 > 0:18:02that Nunney's replacement does not automatically get
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Nunney's girlfriend.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Ah, not automatically?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- MAX:- What's he going to steal from YOU, anyway?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- JOE:- Nothing, I'm going to hide it all.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Everybody leaves. - What does that mean?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Nunney - 9460981...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Nunney is coming back and then you'll be at university,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23about four stops away on the Northern Line.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25And 946 lives in Ladbroke Grove,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28and will you please stop calling your father by his phone number?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30You see him every weekend.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33At least Malcolm isn't going anywhere.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36He'll still be complaining about Nina's cooking when you're 90.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Except he won't, will he? Because he'll be dead.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43- Oh, break it to me gently(!) - Sorry, Malcolm, but it's true.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Why can't everything stay exactly the same?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I agree. There's no need for change.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54- Why do we need any more than we already have? WE are happy.- Exactly.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Why does Nunney have to go trudging round Vietnam getting smelly?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01And why does Amanda have to go to drama school?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05We have a perfectly good life, why can't we just enjoy it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I'm going to hide my things from Robber.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13NINA SIGHS Bloody Robber!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I don't think Robber's to blame
0:19:15 > 0:19:18for the pitiless impermanence of the universe.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Well, he doesn't help.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29NUNNEY TUNES GUITAR
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Blanche DuBois thinks men only notice her during sex.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Blanche DuBois, the made-up person from the Marlon Brando film?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- It was a play first. - Wasn't she a bit of a scrubber?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Yeah, but...only because she wanted her existence admitted.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I admitted it in the Blanche DuBois sense, very recently.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah, well... Now you're tuning your guitar and...
0:19:52 > 0:19:57And...then you're going backpacking and then you're going to university.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Is this hard work, this chat?
0:20:01 > 0:20:02If it was hard work,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I wouldn't be able to tune my guitar at the same time, would I?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I will admit your existence in Vietnam and at university.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15In spite of all the university girls?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- What have university girls got that you haven't?- A levels and degrees.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Is that what this is about? Your education?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Well, so be a university girl!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Is that supposed to make me feel better?- What?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You saying I'm uneducated.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- What would have been the right thing to say?- That I'm NOT uneducated.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- You are NOT uneducated. - But I AM, though!- Oh!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40OK, you're very clever, but you have no plans to get a degree.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- That better?- Not much.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46D'you really think I could go to university?
0:20:47 > 0:20:53Of course. Maybe not Cambridge with one A level, but somewhere.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56That wrong too?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- I can't go.- Why?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Because then that'll show that nothing stays the same.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Nothing does stay the same.- Yes, but I don't want Joe to know that.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Oh, right, well, you'll have to do
0:21:09 > 0:21:11the same thing forever then, won't you?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23HE STRUMS CHORDS ON GUITAR
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- It's a heart.- That is not a heart.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36It's upside down, look.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38No... Those are his balls.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- Oh, yes, I see now.- Whose balls? - Well, whoever drew it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- You think he's drawn his own penis? - Sexist! Might not even be a he.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Oh, it's a he, all right. - How can you be so sure?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Well... Women don't go around drawing penises on front doorsteps.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- What do women draw, elephants? - Women don't draw anything.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Really? - I mean, sexual organs, graffiti.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01We don't know that's true.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04What, you really think there's a woman somewhere that would draw dicks on steps?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- What about boobs?- Why would you want to draw boobs on steps,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08if you were a woman?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Well, you could say the same about men and...penises.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Oh, this sounds interesting(!)
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Mm. George was trying to persuade us that THIS was a heart.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Well, you have to say, she thinks the best of people.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Also, she's been telling us
0:22:21 > 0:22:24that no woman has ever drawn sexual organs on a wall.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- I didn't say no woman ever. - You actually did say that, Mum.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I simply meant a statistically insignificant number.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- Did this happen under Labour? - It wasn't even there yesterday.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But did people draw penises on walls under Labour?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- MALCOLM:- Not that I can remember. - What's going on?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41There's a penis on our step!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43There isn't much to do around here.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- RAY:- Oh, he's done one on yours as well?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Who? - Robber, we've had to let him go.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50He's been doing it up and down the street in protest.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- How did you know it was him? - He watched him do it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- And why did you let him go? - He's mad.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57He was mad when you gave him the job, Ray.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I was going to show him the ropes and he turned up stoned and abusive.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- So now what?- Nunney's staying.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- JOE AND MAX CHEER - Everything's going to be the same!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"Dear Vic, good news about the driving lessons.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"I wondered whether you'd ever get round to it.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"But even people you know and love, or at least like,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"or are maybe just confused about,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"can end up surprising you, can't they?"
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Why, hello, Joe!
0:23:24 > 0:23:25"I'm not talking about you, of course,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"apart from the bit about the driving lessons."
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- You all done?- Yep.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Come on, Max.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Do I have to?- Yep.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"As you may have guessed by now, it's Nunney who has surprised me.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"He isn't going backpacking because he's decided to stay
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"and look after Ray until they find a suitable replacement.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"Also, I have surprised myself.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"I'm thinking about going to university if I pass my A level...
0:23:56 > 0:24:00"I haven't told Joe yet because we agreed that people like Nunney,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03"who do what they want whenever they feel like it, are...shameless
0:24:03 > 0:24:05"and only think of themselves.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07"It's funny how things turn out.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"Love, Nina."
0:24:39 > 0:24:43"PS, on Tuesday, I took Joe for his weekly swim."
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- How was it? - Fine, but my trust is lost.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Why?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Why don't you just jump in?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I don't like jumping in.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I like to take my time.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Well, you could just jump in like the other kids.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02No, I'm... I'm going to use the ladder.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03HE SCREAMS
0:25:05 > 0:25:08HE YELLS
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Joe?- I'm going to get you, Stibbe!