0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CRUNCH, GLASS SMASHES
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Shit.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Shit.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:01:10 > 0:01:14"Dear Vic, I didn't know Toffos came in boxes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18"Unless you mean a retailer's box containing many tubes.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"If that's what you mean, then, yes, I agree,
0:01:21 > 0:01:22"she needs help of some kind.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27"It has been a dramatic and difficult week here
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"and I may have to come home."
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Are the boys ready?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Um, they're just finishing their betting coupon.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Ooh, shoes. Thank you. - That's all right.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I do listen, sometimes.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I just think it's dangerous to drive in bare feet.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Here's the thing, though -
0:01:49 > 0:01:52why on earth would the sole of a shoe make any difference?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Without shoes on, you can feel everything much better.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You don't have full control of the pedals.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I don't agree, I think I'm more likely to overdo it with shoes on.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Go faster than I intended to.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Right. Well, maybe you should drive in bare feet.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I want to do what you're comfortable with.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11No, no, no, you've convinced me. Take them off.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Did you go out for petrol, by the way?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Um, no.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I was too busy looking for shoes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I'll do it on the way.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Come on, boys!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- God, look at that.- What?- The car. Someone's pranged it.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Trevor Brooking!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- It must have been Malcolm.- Why?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47That's his car behind it, he's driven into the back of ours
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- and not said anything.- Bastard!- I'm sure it wasn't him.- I'm sure it was.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- That's exactly the sort of thing he'd do.- Malcolm?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Yes!- Well, it would've been an accident, so...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- let's not say anything to him. - Are you mad?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- We can take him to court.- You don't take your friends to court. Come on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- You have to if they're criminals. - Sue him! Sue him!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07- Sue him!- Where are you going?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10To tell George. She'll want to call our solicitor.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Of course she won't, she'll just sort it out with Malcolm.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14He'll deny it.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18When did Malcolm become this awful person who tries to deny prangs?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- He's already denied it.- When?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24He did a prang and he just cleared off without saying anything.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29- Well, someone cleared off, we don't know it was him.- It was him. Mum!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Wait for me!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32THUNDER RUMBLES
0:03:34 > 0:03:36KNOCKING ON THE DOOR
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Ah, hello, everyone.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Nina. Gosh, that was a right old biff this morning.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Someone punched you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Not really.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Was it Nanny?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- No.- It sounded terrible.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Much damage done?- Ah.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- What?- Nina pranged the car.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- That's not true, Malcolm did it.- Me?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03She reversed right into that lamppost,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- I saw her through the upstairs window.- Should we go home?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Unless you want to pursue this, Nina.- Well...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- I don't think so.- I'm lost.- Ah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Well, we came here to accuse you.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- We were going to sue you. - Because Nina didn't own up.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- I would have in the end. - Sorry to disturb you, Malcolm.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Bare feet, you see. Always telling you. There's no control.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- I was wearing shoes. - Oh, give it a rest.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31You ran in, put your shoes on after you'd pranged.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Then you took them off again because you argued about it. Bloody hell!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Well, I do still believe that bare feet are safer in theory.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43- This isn't even the first prang. - I owned up straightaway about the other one.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- I didn't think you'd forgive a second.- Now, hold on.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50You all thought that it was me who'd done it without saying anything?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Now, I can understand Nina's position,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55straightforward lying for advantage.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57But you three.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Oh. Very disappointed.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Stupid Stibbe!- Thanks a lot.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21RAIN PATTERS, THUNDER RUMBLES
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I made this for you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I made a whole series of bad decisions.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Is this you saying sorry?- I did say sorry before.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Oh, so there's a quota?- No.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Sorry.- Don't overdo it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I was saying sorry for not saying sorry enough.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- You won't be 20 and cute forever, you know.- I know.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Sorry.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I don't know what to do with you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15'You know how you only started to care about Keith
0:06:15 > 0:06:18'when he went off with Kim from the Conservative club?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21'Well, something similar has happened to me in this job.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26'I thought it was something that would do for the time being.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28'But now George thinks I'm a lying idiot,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30'it's all I want out of life.'
0:06:49 > 0:06:50DOORBELL
0:06:52 > 0:06:57- That'll be Maria-Fernanda.- Who's Maria-Fernanda?- Susannah's cleaner.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59She's got some spare hours.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You hate cleaning, and you're absolutely useless at it.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I'm employing her.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Maria-Fernanda?- Senora George.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Uh... Uh, excuse me. Uh, uh...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Book!- Que?- My book!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Uh...
0:07:26 > 0:07:27SHE SWITCHES HOOVER OFF
0:07:27 > 0:07:31It's a book. Like this. It was around somewhere,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33now gone.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Um... Seamus Heaney, except Shay is spelt S-E-A,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41so you might have thought it said "Seemus".
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Not that that would have made any difference to where you put it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I know who is Seamus Heaney.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"The slobber of frogspawn." Internal rhyme.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52I know also what is "book".
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Well, if you could keep an extra special eye on where you put things,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57that would be... SHE STARTS HOOVER
0:07:57 > 0:07:58..really...
0:08:00 > 0:08:01It's "Shaymus".
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Three nights in a row.- Yeah, I know.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Must be very cross with us, bloody Stibbe.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- It's not my fault. - It's completely your fault.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20No, he made it very clear,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23he was disappointed in the three of you, not me.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Oh, so you don't think that the phrase "straightforward
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"lying for advantage" contains even a hint of disapproval?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He found it understandable.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35You three, though, you marched across the road to accuse an innocent man.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It was Max's fault. I just went along with it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, how are we going to make it up to him?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45He doesn't need to come for his tea every night, does he? I mean,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49we've already made it up to him by cooking him 1,000 dinners.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Before it even happened.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53We're his family.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Your behaviour has made him an orphan.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That's terrible! We've destroyed his life!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Well, Nina has, anyway.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04And how have you fallen out with the cleaner already?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Have I?- She told me you treat her like a peasant.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12There was a misunderstanding about the amount of English she speaks.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14She didn't want to work here, you know.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I really had to persuade her. So be careful.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19She lost my Seamus Heaney, though.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21So? Buy another one.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It's got all my notes in it and the exam is in three days.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Well, what I say to the boys in situations like these is,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"It's in the house somewhere".
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Yes, I never understand what you mean.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35So, Nina, you have three jobs. You have to find your book,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37you have to make things right with Malcolm,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and if you don't make things right with Maria-Fernanda...
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Ooo!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I've got to pass an A level, too.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47That is extracurricular.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Paradoxically.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00That's quite a list. It's like the Four Tasks of Psyche.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Is it really, or are you just showing off?
0:10:02 > 0:10:03No, it's relevant.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You can always learn something from the old myths.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Name one thing you've learned from a myth.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Er...most of them say, you know, never give up.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14You can learn that from watching It's A Knockout.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Anyway, Psyche. What were his tasks?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Psyche was a she.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Well, that's a good start. I always thought it was a he.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"The male psyche." That's what people say, isn't it?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Yeah, there's the female psyche, too, though.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Let's stick with her, then.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I think her first task was sorting
0:10:31 > 0:10:34a load of seeds into different piles.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It was supposed to be impossible, but an ant helped her.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- One ant?- Yeah. If you're going to pick apart the Greek myths,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I wouldn't begin with ant numbers.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Insects aren't going to get me out of these, though, are they?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46So, um...what else was there?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49She had to get some golden wool off some rams
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and some, you know, beauty cream stuff from somewhere.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Presumably not Boots. - The Underworld.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Same thing, if she went to Boots on Saturday.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And she had to get some water from somewhere, I remember that.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Water?- Well, it wasn't tap water, it was special water.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Drawn from a place that's impossible to get to.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08What were the point of all these tasks? Where did they get her?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I think it was all about sex.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11You say that about every piece of literature.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Because every piece of literature is about sex!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Apart from Lord of the Flies.- Hm.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So, none of these tasks got her anywhere?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21What do you want me to say?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I want you to say that after Psyche had befriended the ants
0:11:24 > 0:11:26and bought the moisturiser,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28her boss decided not to fire her
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and she didn't have to go back to Leicester.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35And she passed her A level, went to college.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And then...I don't know,
0:11:37 > 0:11:42sorted out her love life, knew where she stood, sort of thing.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45She was banished to Leicester, I'm afraid.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Just outside, actually. Mansfield.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51What happened to never give up?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Now I come to think of it, I think that was the myth of somebody else.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Ow!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I always land on Income Tax! I'm not going to pay.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08You can't do that! George, tell him!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Cock off, Max!- You cock off!
0:12:10 > 0:12:11WASP!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14That was so deliberate! He did it on purpose!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- All right, everybody, calm down. - You know I hate wasps, Max!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Yeah, nobody likes them.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I hate them more than anybody!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- There!- I'll get it, I'll get it!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25JOE AND MAX CHANT: Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Kill the wasp!- Kill him! - Kill the wasp!- Kill him!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30BOTH: Kill the wasp! Kill the wasp!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31- Yes!- Good shot.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33If you want to carry on playing,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35you're going to have to pick this all up.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I don't want to carry on playing!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39ARGUMENT FADES OUT
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Found me book.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46..I'm on a very shallow maternal learning curve.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49NINA SIGHS An insect.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Right, Psyche, what else have you got for me?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54What do we have that's golden?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Golden syrup.- No, I mean, golden...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Actually, that's rather brilliant.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Peace offering.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Thank you. - Treacle tart, your favourite.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Made with golden syrup, which was
0:13:08 > 0:13:10as close as I could get to the Golden Fleece.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Why did you need to get close to the Golden Fleece?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'd have thought the further away the better,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16when it comes to puddings.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19The Four Tasks of Nina, like the Four Tasks of Psyche.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I've found my book, you're second on the list.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I don't want to be a task, thank you very much.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26And, anyway, why wasn't I first?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I found my book by accident, via a wasp.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You are my first deliberate attempt at task-solving.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Hm.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I'm sorry I let the others accuse you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I'm sorry I went along with Max's suspicions.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Max?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I'm sorry I was misled by the evidence.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Well, there was no evidence.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Well, I'm sorry Stibbe didn't come clean quicker, then.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Where's George?- She's at work.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54She wants you to come for supper tonight.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I've already bought myself a piece of cod.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58And now I've got a pudding.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Er...the tart will be served at Number 55.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I'm glad that's over with.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh! Oh! It's just very good, Nina.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Hm!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I have to say, Greek myths are marvellous.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31They're clever, but they're fun and practical, too.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Mm. That's how the Greeks should advertise them on television.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36MALCOLM CHUCKLES
0:14:36 > 0:14:37So, what's next?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- Maria-Fernanda.- Mm. And is your task to make her like you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- How did you know?- Well, you've got a job on, I know that much.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Hm. Maria-Fernanda's hatred for Nina is well-known?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well, only in the street. So, what on earth have you done?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52I've done nothing!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I thought she couldn't understand the word "book", that's all.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And I know she can't pronounce Seamus.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Oh, well, she deserves everything she gets.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02She thinks you should be doing more.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- And sometimes she says... - SPANISH ACCENT:- "What is girl for?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- BUZZING STARTS - What is girl for, actually?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10It's not like I don't work!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14STIFLED LAUGHTER AND SNORTING
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Wow! Right, make your own lasagne, then.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Oh, dear. I'm worried about Maria-Fernanda.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20We really don't want to lose her.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I shall go on a charm offensive.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You're always saying that, "I shall go on a charm offensive",
0:15:25 > 0:15:26but nothing happens.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28When else have I said it? BUZZING STOPS
0:15:28 > 0:15:30When Mum was fed up with you the other week
0:15:30 > 0:15:32after you turned all the washing green.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Do you remember when Stibbe pranged the car
0:15:34 > 0:15:36and she tried to blame it on Malcolm?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37- Yes.- Boys, I've told you before,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- you can't reminisce about something that's only just happened.- Why not?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Because when you ask the question, "Do you remember...?"
0:15:43 > 0:15:45there has to be a chance that the other person has forgotten.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- We never forget anything. - It's true, they never do.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Neither do you.- Me? I can't remember what I've just eaten.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55So, we can never say, "Do you remember..." to each other?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Wait 30 years.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59You can talk about the prang in 2013, on your videophones.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I'm sorry if none of you have ever noticed my charm offensives before,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07but I can assure you, Maria-Fernanda will notice this one.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO
0:16:12 > 0:16:14GEORGE TURNS VOLUME DOWN
0:16:14 > 0:16:16What are you doing?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I want everything to look nice for her.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- For who?- Maria-Fernanda.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26She thinks I do nothing. Well, this isn't nothing.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31No, she'll think this is an act of war. What's she going to do?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Washing, ironing...deep-cleaning.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37What's deep-cleaning when it's at home?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I don't know.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh, hell!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44All right, I can see two scenarios here.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46One where Maria-Fernanda walks in,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48sees what you've done and hates you.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Another when she walks in,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53sees you in the middle of messing the place up again, and hates you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54I've bought her some cold cream.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What? Oh!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Beauty ointment? Like Psyche.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- What do you think? - Well, if a woman I didn't know
0:17:01 > 0:17:04took one look at me and bought me some cold cream,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I don't know if I'd be overflowing with gratitude.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- So, what should I do?- I don't know.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Don't try and be clever. Just go out.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Any shopkeepers locally you haven't pissed off?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15If so, go talk to them.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22MUSIC: Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Hm.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48# With the heartbreak open
0:17:48 > 0:17:50# So much you can't hide
0:17:50 > 0:17:52# Put on a little make-up, make-up
0:17:52 > 0:17:55# Make sure they get your good side good side
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# If the words unspoken
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# Get stuck in your throat
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# Send a treasure token, token
0:18:02 > 0:18:05# Write it on a pound note pound note
0:18:11 > 0:18:13# Goody two, goody two Goody, goody two shoes
0:18:13 > 0:18:16# Goody two, goody two Goody, goody two shoes...#
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Hello, Maria-Fernanda.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Um...believe it or not, I was actually helping us both out here.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Is good.- Yes?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Si. More work. More work is good.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Si!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42NINA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Right.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Huh-huh!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Gosh! Would you like a glass of water, Maria-Fernanda?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That's probably enough work for now, isn't it?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Um... Oooh!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Have you ever tried this, Maria-Fernanda?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Um...it says, "for the older woman" on it, but just ignore that.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Now...it's enough work.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- I think so, yes.- For you!
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Please do tell Senora George that I have ressig-ned!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Ressig-ned?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Resigned! No-no-no-no-no! You can't resign!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42If you resign, she will be so angry with me, so please!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46CRASH!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55So this poem, Act of Union...
0:19:55 > 0:20:00I know, I know. Sex. Sex, sex, sex.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02No, this one's not really about sex.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Jesus Christ! Are you joking?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Act of Union.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09He's talking about sex as if the man and the woman
0:20:09 > 0:20:12were, you know, countries at war.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14And the man is imperial and so on
0:20:14 > 0:20:17and, you know, his penis is an invading army.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19It's the other way around.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21The other way around?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24How does that work? Some sort of, um...dildo?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- No!- No?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27- NUNNEY LAUGHS - No.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31He's talking about the relationship between Britain and Ireland
0:20:31 > 0:20:33as if Britain is the man taking the woman.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I think you should stick to the turkeys and the frogspawn.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I hate nature.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- What do you actually like? - What do you mean?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44You don't like being a nanny, so you want to go to college.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Er, I love being a nanny. You made me take an A level.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I made you?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Are you serious?- Yes.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54You more or less said that if I didn't get myself to college,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I'd be of no further interest to you.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- What?!- Yeah.- When?
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Well, you say it all the time with your body language and your eyes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- I say you should go to college with my eyes?- Yes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08What am I saying with my eyes now?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11That I should get myself to college, or I'll be of no further interest to you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Can I ask you what you want to do at college?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You haven't denied it, I note.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I deny it. I've never said it with my voice,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26my eyes, my ears, or any other part of me.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28English literature.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Except you don't like anything.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34You don't like Heaney, or Hardy, or Joyce.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36You weren't very keen on the Jacobeans.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38You don't like nannying and you don't like studying.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You don't like me very much, half the time.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Look, I need to get this A level.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I'm worried George is going to sack me, and I can't do this forever.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You haven't denied the bit about liking me, I note.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'm just not very good at it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Any of it.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59You don't have to be good at it.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You just have to want to do it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Whether it's work or, you know...
0:22:08 > 0:22:09..relationships.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14How do I know what I want to do?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Thanks a lot(!)
0:22:20 > 0:22:22No, I didn't...
0:22:24 > 0:22:25(Fuck!)
0:22:42 > 0:22:44That should do it.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Have you got the quiz books?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Which one do you want - football or cricket?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Is there an "Oi, Ref!" we haven't done in the football book?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'll have a look in a sec.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Right, all set.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57- Ready?- Yeah.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Right, a-hem!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oi, Ref. Where is it? OK.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- NINA SHOUTS: Ready?!- Yep.- Right.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24A dog runs onto the pitch just as a striker is taking a shot at goal.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28The ball hits the dog, leaves the goalie wrong-footed
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and bounces into the other corner.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Am I the ref? - It's called, "Oi, Ref!"
0:23:33 > 0:23:36It's probably the same answer as the one about the pigeon.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I don't remember a question about a pigeon.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39It was in my magazine.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44The ball hit a flying pigeon and it dipped underneath the bar.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Imagine if it was a Ray Stewart penalty.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48I don't know what that means!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- He has a hard shot.- Ah!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- So, he would vaporise the pigeon, is that right?- Yes!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58And the dog? NINA GIGGLES
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Right, what's the answer to this one?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I'd give a goal, but I'm afraid that the goalie and all the defenders
0:24:04 > 0:24:06would get very cross with me.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- It makes me nervous. - NINA CHUCKLES
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Right. Do you want another one? - Yeah.- Right.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Everything all right?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Er...number two. A player...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Maria-Fernanda hasn't turned up yet.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Sorry?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Anything to do with you?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Sorry?
0:24:40 > 0:24:46A player is on his knees from a tackle which was not a foul.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49And then she said to tell you that she wasn't coming back,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53which I chose not to do because I knew I'd get into even more trouble.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55On top of all the other troubles.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I've thought long and hard about this, George,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01and I've decided to offer you my resignation.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Here's a counterproposal. I resign, you stay.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12The garage called to say it's going to cost me £80 to repair the car,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I have no cleaner and my nanny is an idiot.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I think my position here is untenable. Good luck.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21I'm sorry, I'm crap.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Yep. Be less crap.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Is that all you're going to say?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29What do you want me to do?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32There are some things you're very crap at indeed.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34And I'm not sure if I can even categorise them.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Your crapness is random, always surprising,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39but there's one thing I'm sure about
0:25:39 > 0:25:42and that is that I'm not going to find anyone else
0:25:42 > 0:25:44who's going to be able to extract the snot from Joe
0:25:44 > 0:25:47while making him laugh and asking him West Ham questions.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- That's the easy bit. - Well, actually, it isn't.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55You're like a...film star, or a star footballer.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56- Really?- Yeah.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Chaotic, unreliable, self-serving and a liar.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05But blessed...with an irreplaceable talent,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07namely, my children love you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12No, I'm afraid there's no way out.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Not until you find your calling.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I'll do ALL the cleaning.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Cleaning is not your calling.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20It's not even an area of competence.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22No, Ursula VW's cleaner, Carmelita,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25has offered kindly to step into the breach.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29BUT I'd really appreciate it if you didn't start abusing her
0:26:29 > 0:26:32or patronising her the moment she walks through the door.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Is it the exam tomorrow?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Right. Well, good luck. Go to bed.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And be less crap.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44INSTRUMENTAL
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Thank you.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54'Dear Vic, I passed my A level.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'I got an E.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58'That's the lowest grade you can get without failing.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01'Nunney told me that literature would speak to me,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04'but it hasn't spoken very loudly, I must say.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06'I can go to college now if I want.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10'It does feels as though I've turned a page and gone onto a new chapter.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13'Even though I probably read the last one too quickly,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16'without understanding it properly.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35'Have you heard of a BLT?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37'It's a new sandwich they've invented in America.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39'Bacon, lettuce, tomato.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43'That's the only plan I have at the moment -
0:27:43 > 0:27:46'to make one and eat it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47'Love, Nina.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26'PS. We now have a video-cassette player and recorder.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29'You're supposed to be able to tape your favourite programmes when you're out.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31'It's like science fiction.'
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Was it a night game, Joe?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Yes, but they have floodlights!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Oh, Trevor Brooking! This thing's useless!