0:00:21 > 0:00:23Wow.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24There's not many to choose from, really, is there?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Not really.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29It's, er, almost as bad as last year.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31What about the one with the long hair?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33THEY LAUGH
0:00:33 > 0:00:34What about the guy next to him?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36No?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39What, grease monkey? Hmm. He just caught us looking at him.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43He's smiling.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Oh, God, don't smile back. Is he coming over?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48No, don't... It's fine, it's fine. He's not coming over.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50What about the one in the charcoal suit?
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Fahmida, can you please just help me? I'm not looking for perfection.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Anything will do.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00You've brought me here for a reason, right?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Then, trust me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04My presence will make you impervious to losers.
0:01:04 > 0:01:10Hi. My name is Nazir. I am 25 years old.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12What do you do for a job?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I'm currently between jobs.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16BUZZER SOUNDS
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Do you have a washer dryer at home? Yep.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20OK.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21And what do you do for a living?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Hi. Hi.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Do you straighten your own hair?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31BUZZER SOUNDS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33So how do you get by?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Public transport, mainly.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36BUZZER SOUNDS
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Is there a neighbourhood watch where you live?
0:01:42 > 0:01:43I live with my folks.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Oh. So, you're living off your savings?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Yes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I'm really sorry if this is too personal,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54but how much do you have in the way of savings?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57BUZZER SOUNDS
0:02:06 > 0:02:08(Ask him if he's got a visa.)
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'm not asking him that.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Ask him how much money he's got, then. No.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14What's Jiminy's problem?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Who?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Jiminy Cricket.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22How do you expect to support a wife?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27With love and goodwill.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You seem sceptical.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Has nobody expressed an interest in YOU today? I'm a chaperone.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Is that French for frigid? It's Latin for loser-repellent.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44So, erm, do you have any hobbies?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48HE SIGHS
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Any change for a cup of tea, please?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I always keep my ticket in my right pocket.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Er, £2.30?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52One second.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Excuse me? Could you, er...?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Understood.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Assalamu alaikum, Sister.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Wa alaikum assalam, Mansa Musa. You heard?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10The whole bus heard. Your parents must curse the day you were born.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Not to my face. I'm in a bit of a predicament here.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Please.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22How much? £2.30. You're a travesty.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Jazak Allahu khayran.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40It's taken.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Clearly. But thank you.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Anything else I can help you out with? Rent, perhaps?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Weekly allowance? Child support?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I'm guessing "How was your evening?" is a redundant question.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm sure it could have been worse. I can't imagine how, but...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Your fly could've been open.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41No-one was asking about things like love and affection.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47That stuff has its place, but there's also more practical questions.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Like money?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Well, how do you expect to be taken seriously when you're broke
0:05:53 > 0:05:55and you live with your parents?
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Yeah, my finances are unstable right now,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04but provision is decreed by Allah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09So nobody knows what my, or anyone else's,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12financial situation will be in the future, no?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18You're not very sensible with your money, are you?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56SOUND INAUDIBLE
0:07:02 > 0:07:05All I'm saying is that a man's list of criteria
0:07:05 > 0:07:06isn't as long as a woman's.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Really? So what are you looking for?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12A good-hearted, pious, Muslim woman. Pious? Is that code for maid?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Don't be cynical.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Someone who values fasting and prayer and all that jazz.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22OK, so if I introduced you to a kind, considerate, generous... Yep.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25..practising, pious, Muslim woman, who also happened to be
0:07:25 > 0:07:28a fat, hairy heifer, you'd be ready to marry her?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32What about a woman's criteria? Protection and provision.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Looks? Not that important.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Height?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38As long as it doesn't drop below Tom Cruise.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Education? To a certain extent.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Flash car?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Says the guy who couldn't afford a bus ticket.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I gave whatever I had to some homeless guy.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Pretty sure he's got my bus ticket, too.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56What are you looking for in a husband?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I'm not really looking for a husband.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That's why I was there as a chaperone tonight, not an attendee.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06You've not had the best of experiences with men, have you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I don't think I've ever met a man.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10No offence taken.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21A friend of mine, Muslim,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23she's considered marrying an Atheist.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26An Atheist?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31He was kind, treated her respectfully.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35But doesn't she want her children to be Muslim?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44What would you say to someone like that?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46That she just needs to be patient.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Allah will bless her with the right man.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Easy as that? I'm not saying it's easy, but...
0:08:51 > 0:08:52But you're going to judge her, anyway.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55All I'm saying is religion has to come first.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00All right, then. Self-apply, Mr Mufti.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Would you be willing to marry a widow?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Yeah.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05What about a divorcee?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Yeah.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11What about a single mother?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Come on. I'm not a saint.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17A widow and a divorcee is one thing, but a single mother?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Somebody else's child? That's a part of somebody else.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23I don't know.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31SHE PRESSES THE BUTTON
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Wait. Piss off, knob.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I'm sorry. Good for you.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Do you accept it? No.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Fine. I'm just going to have to escort you home.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53There is no chance in hell of that happening.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Look, I'd have to be a moron to let you make your own way at this time.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59You're going to get home safe and sound, whether you like it or not.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04We're about to walk into Greenfield Hill, which is probably 90% Muslim,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07a massive portion of whom know my parents and would happily form
0:10:07 > 0:10:09a queue around the block just to tell them what a whore I am
0:10:09 > 0:10:12because they saw me walking home with a man at night who is not my brother.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Is this a respectable distance? Keep your voice down.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Fine. Let me get you a cab.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34LINE RINGING
0:10:38 > 0:10:41PHONE MESSAGE: Your current balance is six pence.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Yeah, that's not going to work.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Last resort.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05GLASS SMASHES
0:11:08 > 0:11:10CRASH
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I don't know why I thought this might be something sensible.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30We should get moving.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Aren't you ashamed?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Of course I'm ashamed. I've never stolen anything in all my life.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47But, as you said, man has a duty to protect.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Besides, I'm not intending to keep it and wear it on weekends.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59I'm going to take it back.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02What's your house like?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You're not coming in.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I wasn't hinting. I'm just curious.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I've always wanted my house to be an Islamic environment, you know?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14No distractions. Conducive to focused worship.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16What does that mean?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Television? No.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Pictures? Nah.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Posters? Of?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Celebrities. No chance.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Calligraphy? Islamic?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Yeah. Of course.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Music?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Only Nasheeds. And Michael Jackson.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Because he's conducive? Because he's a legend.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I'm sorry about what I said on the bus.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Boy or a girl?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I have a little boy. Ismail. He's six.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Masha Allah. And his father?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Oh, you don't have to answer that.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Everyone has a history, and everyone makes mistakes.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I'm a virgin. By choice, I might add.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15That's your history?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17It's, like, the complete opposite of mine.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22After I had Ismail, I did try to find somebody, but...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25eventually I realised that a child is just a little too much
0:13:25 > 0:13:27baggage for most people.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31I didn't mean what I said.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35It's no big deal.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37We're just two people having a conversation. That's it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39There's nothing else to it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40What if there is?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Is what? Something else to it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I've had many conversations with many random people,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49but this didn't feel random. This feels...decreed.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Everything is decreed.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05That's my parents' house, and that's your stop.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Wait, you live with your folks, too? Yeah, it's different for a woman.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14OK, then...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I've been looking for a wife for five years.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I've tried introductions through friends, through family,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27speculative contact, matrimonial sites, blind dates.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29All to no avail.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I've met many women, but I didn't find any of them
0:14:32 > 0:14:33as easy to talk to as you.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Now...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Now, I'm not suggesting that we elope.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I'm just asking if you feel there is enough between us
0:14:45 > 0:14:46to warrant further enquiry.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I've let myself get attached in the past and been left burned.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Why is this so different?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I don't know why. But it is, isn't it?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Would you please remove the veil? Sorry. I forgot it was there.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I'm going to get on this bus and I'm going to sit at the back.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12If you also believe there's something between us
0:15:12 > 0:15:14then just give me a look.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16What if I do? You don't have my number.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19No, but I've got your address.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, what if I throw you a pity glance, just so you don't lose hope?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24No. Mean it or don't do it at all.