0:00:23 > 0:00:25I'm getting quite good at dying.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Mostly, that's me in a bed, in a hospital,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34looking pasty and terrified and tetchy.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38They expect you to be tetchy.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Like, I had PCP for a single on Channel 4.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Pneumocystis pneumonia - horrible job, take after fucking take.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50The director comes to me - Dan, his name is, he said...
0:00:51 > 0:00:54"We need to see more anger, yeah?"
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I said, "Why?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Well, he just looks at me like it's obvious.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03"Because the Government are doing nothing, yeah?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04"There's no funding,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07"and these fucking iceberg films they have on telly now,
0:01:07 > 0:01:08"it's fucking criminal."
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I said, "I thought my character would probably be past anger
0:01:13 > 0:01:17"by this stage. I'd probably be thinking much more practical things,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"like, is this going to hurt?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21"Or will it be over quick?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"What would I have done with my life if I'd lived?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30"Maybe. Could I have done things differently, been more careful,
0:01:30 > 0:01:31"made different choices?"
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Anyway, he wanted anger, so, ooh, he got anger.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I channelled the anger I was feeling towards him and that helped.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43This is a key skill.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Some actors can't draw on themselves, their experiences.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I can,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53though, obviously, I'm not dead yet so I've been having to make that up.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Then after that, I did a film
0:01:56 > 0:01:59where I get stabbed by a serial killer who's picking on gays,
0:01:59 > 0:02:00for some unknown reason,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02but, obviously, that was just a metaphor.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06When the police finally catch him, even he doesn't know why he does it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I saw that when it went out at the Curzon
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and I could hear quite a few people sobbing in the audience
0:02:11 > 0:02:12when I pegged it.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I got a bit tearful myself, actually.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's just the face.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I look young and innocent, so you're immediately thinking,
0:02:21 > 0:02:22"What a waste."
0:02:24 > 0:02:26That's why I get the parts, I reckon.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31The scene...I'm really good at
0:02:31 > 0:02:35is the deathbed scene where the boyfriend shows up.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36More often than not,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I'm doing well health-wise when the complications hit,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44so the sudden deterioration's a surprise for both of us.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47He's sometimes older - not always - cute, obviously,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50but there is an awkwardness between us.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It's not actually said, but...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56..you get the vague sense that he's been messing about
0:02:56 > 0:02:57in saunas and toilets
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and not taking precautions,
0:02:59 > 0:03:03while I, of course, have been faithful as a puppy,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05so then there's the injustice of it, too.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I have a bit of a barney with him, but I'm generally forgiving.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I just go a bit arch, you know,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12got me sparky sense of humour right till the end.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Eugh.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23I had lunch with my agent, and she's dead pleased I'm working -
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and so am I, but...
0:03:26 > 0:03:27..it's getting a bit samey.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I don't feel like I'm moving forward, you know?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33She reckons I should be grateful.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"You're really grabbing at the heartstrings, Phil,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"really making an impact."
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I just worry they're going to get sick of the sight of me.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"Him again - dying, again."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44She wasn't having it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"The characters you get are pivotal, Phil, pivotal.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"Everything around you changes once you're..."
0:03:49 > 0:03:50"Gone, yeah?" I said,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"It's awfully nice that my friends get really, really upset
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"when I'm dead,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"and then kind of reassess their priorities and stuff.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"I just wish I made it past page 18."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03She said, "You get the full fee."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I said, "That's not the point."
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Still, it's work.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15She said there might be a role playing a bat thing on Doctor Who.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"Do they still make Doctor Who?" I said.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"Apparently, yeah."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Plus a bit-part in an indie film,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23English mourner at a funeral in New York.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"Can you do grieving?"
0:04:26 > 0:04:27I said, "Probably."
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The truth is, I don't have much to draw on there.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I've been lucky.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I know what it looks like, though.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I've seen it.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I've seen it often enough, too often.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Horrible.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Then out of the blue, she asks me...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52..if I get tested.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53I said, "What?"
0:04:53 > 0:04:55It's none of her business.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I don't,
0:05:00 > 0:05:01as it happens.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I couldn't face it. I'd sooner not know.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06I'm just not strong enough.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11And it is possible to not get it, if you're careful -
0:05:11 > 0:05:15and by careful, I don't mean bloody celibate or monogamous.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I fucking love sex, me.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Bum sex mainly, but there is an underrated beauty
0:05:23 > 0:05:25to blowing a total stranger in a toilet cubicle
0:05:25 > 0:05:26that's hard to convey,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30and if you try to convey it, it gets boring or icky, quite quickly, so...
0:05:32 > 0:05:36No squatting on your haunches - knees must hit the floor,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and eye contact throughout.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Ooh. Oh!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I could be blowing someone now if it weren't for this bloody death scene.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Agent's promised she'll get me a role
0:05:48 > 0:05:50that doesn't involve losing half a stone
0:05:50 > 0:05:53and whiting the face up, so fingers crossed.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I quite like doing coming-out scenes,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05though even there, death crops up pretty quickly.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I did a play where I was Liverpudlian,
0:06:08 > 0:06:13so it was dead bitter, but really funny, like corrosively funny.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16The mother's mopping the floor, and I drop the bombshell.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19We have a row. I throw in...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21LIVERPOOL ACCENT: "What do you want me to do,
0:06:21 > 0:06:22"get married and be unhappy?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25She comes back with, "Why not?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"That's what I bloody did!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:29The mother gets the best lines.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30The gay boy's the feed.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Then, of course, she realises I'm not done with the bombshells,
0:06:33 > 0:06:38and the full horror of her situation dawns on her - her little Billy,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41gay and dead, in quick succession.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"More than a poor girl's heart can take."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47The upshot is, she loses her faith.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That was at the Finborough,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53so while she's rowing with the bishop at the funeral,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I slip out early and get down the Coleherne.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58There's a bloke goes there some nights.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Simon.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Fucking...
0:07:02 > 0:07:07The legs. Dancer's legs, and, sorry, I actually am a size queen.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08I make no apologies.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Simon fits the bill.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16The best fuck ever.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17I've kind of got a top top-ten in my head,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20and for a long time, it was a guy I met in Portsmouth at number one,
0:07:20 > 0:07:24but Simon has knocked him off the top top spot.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Dead fit, proper man.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Nice enough bloke, as well, sense of humour.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I don't normally talk to blokes down the Coleherne
0:07:32 > 0:07:34cos it risks breaking the spell,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36but it hasn't broken Simon's spell.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Agent called yesterday, got me an audition for a TV new soap.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Gay character - called Clive, who isn't ill,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51and according to the man at the Beeb, never gets it,
0:07:51 > 0:07:52it's actually in the contract.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Just has a life.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Has the same kind of plotlines as the other characters,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58but from a gay perspective.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01So, well, that'd be progress.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05If I got it. He's also not camp, which is fairly important -
0:08:05 > 0:08:09not that I can't do camp, but the days of Mr Humphries are over.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Lads at school used to take the piss when that programme was on,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13not of me - I'm not naturally camp.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I can go quite blokey, in fact.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I should get put up for more straight roles, really.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I did play angry shopper in Albion Market,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25but it wasn't established whether he was gay or straight,
0:08:25 > 0:08:26so it doesn't count.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Nor does the bat thing on Doctor Who.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Well, not really.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33No, Clive isn't camp, but he's not blokey either.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38He's, um, sensitive, takes life seriously,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40and may appear guarded when we first meet him,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44but underneath, he's warm, emotional,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48and soon becomes a popular member of the local community.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHS: I can play Clive...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53..standing on me head.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Ah, so now it's my fault, is it?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Oh. So now it's MY fault.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Is it?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Oh!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09So now it's my fault, is it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Oh...
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Clive is the most boring man
0:09:12 > 0:09:16ever presented on a TV screen - seriously.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Fretful fucking creep.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Not camp, no. No sense of humour whatsoever.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I've got this beige boyfriend, like Clive Mark 2.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Only taller with a pierced ear.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32And the fucking hugging we get up to - oh, scandalous.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I can't get ill, obviously, of anything.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37The fucker isn't even allowed to cough.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Plotline at the moment where I turn out to be fiddling my tax returns
0:09:41 > 0:09:43so me and the boyfriend can build a beige life together.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I had thought fiddling the tax
0:09:46 > 0:09:51might lead to a prison story, which could be quite, um, meaty.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54But no. Clive's not fiddling THAT MUCH.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Of course he fucking isn't.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Eurgh.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Ah...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Simon's not beige.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07That's one colour that Simon really isn't.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08He's so fit.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13We've kind of been seeing a bit more of each other - his suggestion.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It threw me at first.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17We'd just got it on in the Coleherne,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19cubicle nearest the window, and...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23He gets nasty, does Simon.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Full palm of the hand stuff.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And we were having a pint in the front after,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and he suddenly says,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"We could go and see a film or something."
0:10:35 > 0:10:38The thought of us, hand-in-hand, buying popcorn...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41But we gave it a whirl, and...
0:10:43 > 0:10:44..it was nice.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50He's strong. Only a few years older than me, but he's lived proper, man,
0:10:50 > 0:10:51like a...
0:10:51 > 0:10:52big brother.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Taps into something, you know?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58SIGHS: It's nice.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02His legs are incredible.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I know he's more than just a pair of legs, but all the same.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I could actually play...
0:11:10 > 0:11:13..in love, these days,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15if the right part would only fucking come up.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oh, so now it's my fault, is it?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24There's a line in next week's episode
0:11:24 > 0:11:25where the beige boyfriend
0:11:25 > 0:11:28says he's thinking of moving back to Hemel Hempstead.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I have a feeling Clive's going to go with him,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34so that'll be the end of that.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Yeah, good riddance to him.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I went back to the agent.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41She says Clive isn't easy to love, and,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44"If you are dropped from the show, darling,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47"at least you're not leaving in a wooden box."
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Which is true.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51I just thought that I was...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54..getting somewhere.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Still, I'm up for a tour of Bent at the end of the month,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01so it's not all doom and gloom.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I just think, if you're entering into a relationship with someone,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21you should be honest from the start.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Not hide any bombshells, pull the rug from under a bloke's feet.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I was completely not expecting it,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32just sitting with him on the sofa watching a film,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and he comes out with it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"By the way, I'm positive."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Well, he must've seen panic in my eyes because he immediately says,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"We've been safe. You're not in any danger."
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Which calmed me down a bit.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Still, I was shocked.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51He said it was more than just HIV.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53He actually had
0:12:53 > 0:12:55AIDS.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"But I'm OK.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"I'm looking after myself.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"I get regular check-ups, do all the right things.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Yeah, I get scared sometimes, but...
0:13:03 > 0:13:04"I stand a good chance.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07"And I wanted to tell you,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"because, well, it's important if we're going to...
0:13:11 > 0:13:12"..get more serious."
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I didn't say anything.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Just nodded.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Well, it's a lot to take in, isn't it?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24We tried to just spend the evening together,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26but an hour in, he says,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30"This silence isn't just you getting your head round the news, is it?"
0:13:33 > 0:13:34I just looked at him.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40After that, he went off into the kitchen and...
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I heard him crying.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Sobbing like a baby.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52So that was that.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Spell broken, well and truly.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01It'd be nice if I had some work to take my mind off him, but, um...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03You see, the fallow periods are part of the job.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06The trick is not to see one rejection as part of a trend.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Time passes, though, doesn't it?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I won't be in the young and innocent market forever,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13and then dying's not as in demand as it was,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17which is ironic because there's more dying now than ever - way more -
0:14:17 > 0:14:19but the circus has moved on.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Doctors say it's heading towards a peak,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25and with all the drugs coming up,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27more people are going to live longer and longer.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28It'll be like normal lives.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Well, that may well be true but...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33..I wonder where it all leaves me.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I mean, the only thing to do once the '80s are gone
0:14:38 > 0:14:41would be to wipe the slate, press reset, start...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45..having fun again.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And then no-one's going to want to watch the stuff I made
0:14:47 > 0:14:48once it really is over.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I mean, why would they look back on all that death?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52It's just depressing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54It's no way to move forward, is it?
0:14:54 > 0:14:55So, no repeat fees.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59My oeuvre will moulder in the archives.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I ran into him last week, Simon...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09..in Tower Records.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11He doesn't go down the Coleherne now.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14He was there with his little BF - smiley, cute enough,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17and clearly Lady Helium Heels.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Well, he'd have to be.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25We talked a bit, but it was...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27..a bit awkward.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I came away wondering whether he'd even told the little boyfriend.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Well...
0:15:35 > 0:15:36It's none of my business.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I know what my future will be.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I'll get work - quiet, single bloke at party,
0:15:45 > 0:15:49some swish loft apartment, music.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50I'll be just right for the man
0:15:50 > 0:15:52who can't quite get into the swing of things.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Some young blonde lad'll come over and start on me,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"Oh, smile - it might never happen."
0:15:57 > 0:15:58And that'll be my cue...
0:16:00 > 0:16:04..to wag my finger, to lecture, tell them what went on,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06what WE went through.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09They'll all listen, but it'll be uncomfortable.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12They'll all kind of exchange glances, let me say my piece,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16and then I'll probably storm off.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19The blonde lad'll say something funny to lighten the mood.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Time was, it was me who had the funny lines.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Sparky sense of humour.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Only back then, I was dying, and they're not.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32But what was I supposed to do?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35He broke the spell.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41If finger-wagging really is all I have to look forward to,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44then I'll have a lot to work with. Have you heard?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46The Department of Health's pulled its finger out -
0:16:46 > 0:16:48they're going to print some information about AIDS
0:16:48 > 0:16:49in the papers -
0:16:49 > 0:16:51only Thatcher said no.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54They should just stick some posters up on lavatory walls,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57and leave it at that, because normal people can't catch it, you see.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00And no-one wants to read about arse-fucking in The Sun, do they?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03The Sun. "When you mess with nature you've got it coming to you, mate."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05The Sun. And we've got Private Eye telling us
0:17:05 > 0:17:09gay stands for "Got AIDS Yet?"
0:17:09 > 0:17:10That's a good one, isn't it?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14The Met police raided the Vauxhall Tavern last week.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15The coppers were wearing rubber gloves
0:17:15 > 0:17:17to protect them from the gay plague.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Stuff like that...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21..is happening to us.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25While hundreds of people die, our friends and our lovers,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27stuff like that is fucking commonplace.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30It feels like the world's gone cold and mad.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31And I'll bet you, years from now,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33if you want to get anywhere near this stuff on stage,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35you'll have to do it tangentially,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37use some clever trick to keep things light,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40because, hey, being gay in the '80s was more than just AIDS, wasn't it?
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Was that anger enough?