0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# They seek him here
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# They seek him there
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# His clothes are loud but never square... #
0:00:24 > 0:00:29I love sherry because it's just a little bit too strong.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30I like a small glass, first thing,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33just so I can feel my heart in my chest.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Sip, sip, sip, like an old dowager,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39which suits me now I'm respectable.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42But we'll come back to that.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48# He thinks he is a flower to be looked at
0:00:48 > 0:00:53# But when he pulls his frilly nylon panties right up tight
0:00:53 > 0:00:58# He is a dedicated follower of fashion. #
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I love this one.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Bona! Fantabulosa!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, yes, dear. Please and thank you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Dry sherry. None of your Harveys Bristol.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Look at all these bright young things.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Enough to make your head spin.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19They're beautiful,
0:01:19 > 0:01:23like kittens in a shop window gambolling and pushing each other about.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Oh, I could eat them all.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I might, at that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34Me with my handsome face all lined and my hair all grey.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I call it "distinguished".
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I could teach them a thing or two.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44If I had a whistle, I'd be like him in that film, Captain Von Trapp,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47bossing around the little virgin from the convent.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52The polone with the butch riah who does the twirls on the hill.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Some of them like that, being ordered about.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57But they all come into my shop.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01They like to flirt a little and hear me talk the polari to them.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Ooh, vada that great butch lucoddy.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06It makes them roar.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10It's in Duke Street, my place.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It's cheaper than Savile Row.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I am the Duchess of Duke Street.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Put all my ill-gottens into my little tailoring establishment,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25so I can now spend my dotage politely touching up young men with
0:02:25 > 0:02:28the heating on full blast. Bona.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32And then I come here every day after I've shut up shop.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Might be some sport to be had.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41There's a crackle in the air this week.
0:02:41 > 0:02:48Excitement. The burden of lily law has been lifted from the homosexual.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53We may now practise our sexual offences without fear of prosecution.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Provided it's behind closed doors,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58you keep your jacket on and don't frighten the horses.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01One of them comes trolling into my premises with the good news,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05bold as brass but not actual brass.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08A beautiful chicken slathered in cologne.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13His trousers are very tight so you can see his front room.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I made them like that on purpose.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17And well appointed it is, too.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22His jacket, it's kingfisher blue.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26He's got on a polo neck sweater, cashmere.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Bona. Well,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30you would have sworn he'd have got bored of playing a harp on a cloud
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and just bounced down into the West End for a lark.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And his face, his eek,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40the countenance divine.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43My arse was snapping like a Venus flytrap.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He's a chorus boy at the Drury Lane,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51spends the interval flashing his bum at the dressing room window of
0:03:51 > 0:03:55The Fortune. Says there is another chicken on the other side smiles at him.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's like semaphore for buggers, I suppose.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00This way, dear. This way.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"So what are you going to do now?" he asks me.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Well, you know, now that it's all legal.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Like he's done all the heavy lifting himself.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Think how it'll change your life, Jackie.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"What will you do now?"
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Well, I'll do what I'll always done.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I'll praise God. I will laud and sanctify his name.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I will lift up my voice to the heavens in constant jubilation.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Alleluia, alleluia,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33hosanna in the highest.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36"Oh, you're so funny, Jackie," says he.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"I'm not trying to be funny," I say.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40That is what I'm going to do.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42You just don't understand.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Anyway, now you're here, anything I can do for you, doll?
0:04:48 > 0:04:53How about a whisky? Is it too early for a couple of fingers?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Oh, you bought a hat, didn't you?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58If you're here to get your beaver felt, I'm afraid it's not quite ready.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00And he bounces off.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03And that's my lot.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Like I say, apparently I'm respectable now.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It wasn't always thus.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I took the king's shilling in 1932.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I don't want to be indiscreet, heaven forbid,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25so I won't say which regiment,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28but it's the oldest regiment in Her Majesty's Armed Forces,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31has a dolly red tunic and a bearskin hat.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I joined up at a good time.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Well, they knew better than to put me near a fight,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41and the top brass always loved me for my ability to polish 'em up and
0:05:41 > 0:05:45turn 'em out looking like Cleopatra in her barge.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Corporal Jack Edwards, best boot polisher around.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51In the early days of my career,
0:05:51 > 0:05:56I did what I was told and looked very smart.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01But one summer's evening as I was taking the air in St James's Park,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I was pleased, nay, delighted to discover
0:06:04 > 0:06:07that the meagre income provided by the king could be
0:06:07 > 0:06:12easily supplemented by the generosity of older gentlemen.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I have been a rent boy, a renter.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Or as I prefer to say it, a rentleman.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I have sucked from the forbidden cup,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I have whispered the love that dare not speak its name,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and I could tell you the price of a wank each year since the abdication.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38This generation here, drunk on possibility and privilege,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41will never know the happiness I did at that time.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I knew exactly where I stood.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49Usually that was in a cottage cubicle tossing off a judge or a man of the cloth.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I always loved a clergyman customer.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Well, it was my privilege to step out with several princes of the church.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00We all used to love them.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03They'd come quickly and they'd always pay what they said they would.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07That's a very Christian act in my book.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Five minutes tops,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I'd be a few bob richer and there'd be spunk all over me bearskin.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18I'm only joking, I wouldn't wear a busby to suck a vicar's cock.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19I'm not a monster.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I spent all the war in England.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Never set foot in a foreign field
0:07:26 > 0:07:28but by the time it all kicked off,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I was safely ensconced as batman to a colonel, thank God.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35That's a bona job.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I followed him around, making sure he looked the part.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42London may've been burning but at least we looked dolly while it did.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Don't think me flippant if I say there are things I miss.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54What I really loved was the darkness, the blackouts.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57We're like eels, you see, my kind.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Eels live at the bottom of the lake where it's coldest and pitch-black.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05They slither around and they burrow in the mud.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Sometimes they bump into each other down there in the mud
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and it feels nice.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14They rub their cold,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18slippery eel skin against each other and they love it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23But then they move on, slither on,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and back then, I could find my way in the dark, you see.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29These ogles of mine were already accustomed to it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34And everybody was moving around all the time, constant motion.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38All in need of comfort, really.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41All of them scared, desperate for some kindness.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46And then,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50best of all, were Americans.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54The Americans saved our bacon.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Well, we would have lost otherwise,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and I would be speaking German at best.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Now, I've heard many a sermon from many a pulpit and they're always
0:09:03 > 0:09:05very keen to tell you about heaven.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Heaven this and heaven that,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11heaven shall be our reward for living a good life.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14By which they mean paying your taxes and not causing any trouble.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Well, I can tell you, categorically, they're all wrong.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Paradise, if it's to be found anywhere at all, is right here on Earth.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30For I have seen the face of God right here in the West End.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Just around the corner from here is a great big square,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and in the middle of it there's a statue of a sea captain
0:09:38 > 0:09:41and around him, four bronze lions.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44And that day, standing by one of the lions,
0:09:44 > 0:09:49is an American private with green eyes and curly hair.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And the sun is on his face,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01hosanna in the highest.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04He's looking at me.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08A daytime look, full of cigarettes and advice.
0:10:09 > 0:10:16I can't tell the steam from his breath from the smoke of his cigarette
0:10:16 > 0:10:19and he has no gloves and he's looking at me,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23not sizing me up to see what he can get,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and he has little apples in his cheeks.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Little apples.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31In his cheeks.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37And finally I understand why the Trojans fought their war
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and why Orpheus looked back,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42and why the fucking nightingale was singing in Berkeley Square.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46He's looking at me.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48He doesn't even know what it means.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I approach him for a light,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53he tells me his name, but...
0:10:55 > 0:10:56I won't to tell it to you.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I suggest we take a turn around the square.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04We walked around London all that day.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05I bought him some gloves.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09He taught me some words in American and pestered me for fags.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12The war had been cruel to him.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Most people had been cruel to him.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20But I gave him sips of whisky
0:11:20 > 0:11:21to see the apples glow.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27As the lights started to fade, the fear set in.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31The dragons come at night, don't they?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Terrible wail of sirens, and scrambling haste
0:11:34 > 0:11:37to save places underground.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Those with an investment in the future want to clasp their precious
0:11:41 > 0:11:44progeny to their bosom and hunker down,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46exalting God to grant them another dawn.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49But not me.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I was in the presence of my God.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58And for once, it was the others that were subterranean.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03And the likes of us roamed the plains, and for one night, we were free.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07We kissed...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10on the mouth in the street.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17We went to my room and I undressed him cross-eyed with excitement,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and for that night we were abandoned to each other.
0:12:21 > 0:12:28I laid him out and worshipped every inch of his beautiful body by turn.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I was lost in his arms.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35But it was easily worth the risk of staying aloft in an air raid.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Had that been my last night on Earth,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42then a lucky man was I.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Next day he was gone.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Slithered on.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Two things you must always do before sex at my age.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Cover all the mirrors, and put on the wireless or whatever you want -
0:13:03 > 0:13:06just not silence, but definitely cover the mirrors.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11I once caught a glimpse of myself going at it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Looked like one of those lions in East Africa eating a gazelle,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18rubbing his nose in the viscera.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I've seen it on Zoo Quest.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24If you care to ogle me for a moment,
0:13:24 > 0:13:30you will see that I am a lesson in the art of growing old with dignity
0:13:30 > 0:13:34and elegance. I have, like the stately homes of England,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37been somewhat in decline since the end of the war.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40My paintwork is peeling, my plumbing is Victorian,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and my servants' entrance is badly in need of attention.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I know what I am and what I like.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I make the most of what I've got.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I play the hand I'm dealt as best I can.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I come here every day and more often than not, I do well.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I'm generous to renters, pay them what I say I will.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Maybe even the rentlemen will dry up now.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Have their heads turned by the possibility of living together
0:14:09 > 0:14:12like Mum and Dad in their little houses.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Is that really what they want?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Sex is more fun if you do a little bit of groundwork.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Christ. I've raised it to an art form.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26It's a kind of hunting.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30You send out signals, a bit of polari here and there.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32See what's on the radar.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Christ, it's a thieves' cant, for heaven's sake.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It's supposed to protect you from lily law.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's not supposed to be on the wireless every day for the amusement
0:14:44 > 0:14:46of bored polones.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I'd say bona to vada your dolly old eek, dear.
0:14:50 > 0:14:57Come on, doll. Let's go for a bevvy somewhere ajax so I can ogle the dish on that omi.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Understand? No.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Good.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Trust me, homosexuals will be no better off than they are now
0:15:05 > 0:15:09or my name's not Cassandra - and my name's not Cassandra.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16We will be forced to swallow the great lie that romance happens only once
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and that love is forever.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That's just not true.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Why do you think normal people are so unhappy?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Because they have unrealistic expectations.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I am what everybody learns to fear.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34The lowest of the low.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37A dangerous predatory homosexual,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39the kind that lurks silently,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42waiting to corrupt the healthy manhood
0:15:42 > 0:15:43of this septic isle.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48And that's exactly what I am and they can all fuck off.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I'll be in my tailor shop.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54They're walking straight into a trap, but not me, dear.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56No point in that.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Nanti point.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00They won't catch me.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's a short walk from Duke Street to Trafalgar Square.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09I walk there everyday.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15I stand in the same spot, I look over to the lion, I make my devotions.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17I remember the apples.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Shorter walk still from the square to this place.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26A watering hole where the gazelles gather, and the hunting is good.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I've been doing it all my life,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I'll do it in my lean and slippered pantaloons, I hope,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35because you never know what's coming round the corner.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42I want to fall into someone's arms, not someone's hands.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I want to make my devotions to a teenage god with perfect skin,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49hot with life and blushing.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What secret shame...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57doth rose thy Ganymede cheek?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00I know.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# They seek him here
0:17:07 > 0:17:08# They seek him there
0:17:09 > 0:17:14# His clothes are loud but never square. #