0:00:23 > 0:00:25Can I tell you something?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Strictly entre nous.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32I am not what I seem.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36I am not a man.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40That is to say, I was not born a man,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43but I do not wish to be a man, no.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I like the costume, I like the ease,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51I like the way I'm able be in the world, but I am very much...
0:00:53 > 0:00:54..female.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Space.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01A gentleman must take up space.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Head erect, shoulders back, chest proud.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10No hint of apology, no fluttery hands
0:01:10 > 0:01:12or silly, unnecessary gestures.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17One must enter the room and know that one is instantly
0:01:17 > 0:01:19the biggest thing in it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Expect that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27One must sit with a wide stance, knees an acre apart.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31As much to say, "I am the emperor here and you must make room for my
0:01:31 > 0:01:33"enormous appendage."
0:01:33 > 0:01:34If you'll excuse me.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Keep it under your hat, old bean.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40It's just our little secret.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47She is not what he seems, and she, as he, can rattle around
0:01:47 > 0:01:51as he pleases, and if he so pleases to indulge in a bout
0:01:51 > 0:01:53of beard splitting, then so be it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58No-one will bat an eyelid and one can carry on being
0:01:58 > 0:02:01a cake-eater till one has had one's fill.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Did you clock it?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07If so, how so?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I am a renowned gentleman, you know.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I pass.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15I pass terribly well.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Although it seems not as well as I'd hoped.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21CLOCK DINGS
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Not when it matters.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29She's late.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I've always been outdoorsy.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37My poor old Ma used to say,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Ellen Mary Page, you'll be the death of me!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44"Get inside and scrub them knees - you look like a regular Tom!"
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I was always out playing.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50With Lizzie, mostly.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Up and down Mare Street, nicking whelks off the one-eyed man
0:02:53 > 0:02:55with the seafood stall.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58And she'd distract him by asking for a pint of prawns
0:02:58 > 0:03:03and a blank stare and I'd blindside him and pocket a fistful of cockles.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Oh, I adored Lizzie!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08And she adored me.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Every night, when we dragged ourselves away from each other,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'd say, "Cash or cheque?"
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And she'd say, "Cash."
0:03:18 > 0:03:19And I'd get a kiss on the cheek.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Our favourite game was wedding day.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28She was always the bride, of course, and I would be the groom.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I'd get my dad's best coat.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Grey tweed, leather buttons, smell of sweat, coal.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Bits of dried-up tobacco in the breast pocket.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I'd have to wait for her at the end of the aisle,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42the back alley where our mothers would hang the washing.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47And I'd watch her, holding my breath,
0:03:47 > 0:03:52as she picked her way through the grey sheets and stained drawers,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56a huge, stupid smile on her face.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01And when she reached me and put her arm through mine...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05..I fair exploded.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08I loved her.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10I knew that.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15I longed to take her in my arms and kiss her neck.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Would she allow it?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Could she?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21I just didn't know.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Then bloody William Foyle turned up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33All big muscles, crooked smile and twinkly-eyed.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35And she fell for him straightaway.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38He bought her a tuppence bag of aniseed balls and she was lost.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I was heartbroken.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45She still said "cash"
0:04:45 > 0:04:47when we did manage to see each other, but...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50..I could see her heart wasn't in it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53She looked sad.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56But not for her, for me.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"Don't be like that, Ellen," she'd say.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Touching my arm.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Once, she took me in.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09She took pity on me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12And we sat by the fire.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I had my arms wrapped around her waist.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20And...
0:05:21 > 0:05:25..I just let my hand drop lower and lower
0:05:25 > 0:05:30until it was resting in her glorious lap.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I moved my hand slowly, slowly.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38She froze...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40..then relaxed.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43I waited.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Minutes groaned by.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53She let me.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56She...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58let me.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03And then, all of a sudden, she jumped up,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05grabbed her shawl and ran out the back door.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I called after her, but she didn't turn back.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16It was exactly two weeks later that I ran into her
0:06:16 > 0:06:17buying a loaf of bread.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"Lizzie," I said, "I'm sorry.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26"Please, please speak to me."
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"Don't," she said.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31She sort of hissed it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I searched her face for a sign of softness, but there was none.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40There was only fear.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Only fear.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48She turned on her heel and marched off.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"Cash or cheque?" I shouted after her.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54She didn't miss a beat.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"Cheque," she said, over her shoulder.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02And then she was gone.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Into the fog.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I was 16.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11My life was over.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ellen Mary Page...
0:07:17 > 0:07:18..was dead.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24I moved away after that, went south of the river, found lodgings,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27didn't speak to anyone or go out at all at first.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I had very little money, of course.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Only what I could make as a skivvy.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I washed pots morning, noon and night,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38set fires, peeled potatoes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Bored rigid, I was, but dead inside, so it didn't matter.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"Is this it?" I'd think to myself.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Then one day, I was told to throw some of Sir's old clothes out.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Apparently, he was trying to become more a la mode
0:07:53 > 0:07:56and wanted only brogues and Oxford bags.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I took the package up the scullery steps...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03..and opened it.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09The smell of old sweat, tobacco, soap.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12And I...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I pressed the white dress shirt close to my face and...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18..breathed it in.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Trousers, too, high-waisted,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24black satin trim down the legs.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28White silk bow tie, long-line tuxedo, top hat - the lot.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I stuffed the parcel behind the bin and grabbed it on my way home.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I went home and I put it all on.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39It was like...
0:08:42 > 0:08:43..a sacrament.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I felt wonderful.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53And the second night, I got daring and looked in the mirror.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I must have posed for hours.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02You know, tilting my head this way and that, practising my walk.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I really thought I was the cat's particulars.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06The frog's eyebrows.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Well, the third night, I got bold and went out.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I couldn't look at anyone, I couldn't breathe!
0:09:14 > 0:09:19I was sure, at any moment, someone would point and laugh.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22You know, shout at me, call me, "Nancy boy!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:29But I am tall and broad-shouldered, with a bosom like two bee stings.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I know the gas light helped, it was foggy and, well,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35the top hat was a touch too big.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It kept falling down over my eyes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42But I was a man.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I went out every night after that, started going to pubs,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52ordering beer, sitting at the bar, smoking.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Plagued by no-one.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The odd nod from the other gents, but I liked it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03I started to feel, well, not happy, but free.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Free of my misery.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09And the queer thing is, I started to resent my maid's garments.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I began to feel silly in my skirts,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15as if my pinny were a costume and not my tux!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Then the ladies started coming in, just one or two,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24only at weekends and always with their husbands.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29It wasn't difficult to spot the unhappy ones.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32They'd sit sipping their gins silently.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38Eyes cast down, fidgeting while their men jawed on.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I started to catch the attention of the odd lady.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I'd smile,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48bow my head at them, and they would blush.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51One or two of the braver ones started to manufacture conversation
0:10:51 > 0:10:53when I passed, discreetly.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55The weather, the horses,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58things they thought a gentleman might like to discuss.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Then one night, a lady called Alice,
0:11:03 > 0:11:0640, plump, sad-eyed,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10somewhat in her cups, grabbed my arm and asked to meet me out back.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16I was stumped, but waited a few minutes and followed her out.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20She was waiting in the shadows and she grabbed me and started babbling
0:11:20 > 0:11:23about how she felt a curious, morbid attraction to me
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and needed to kiss me, just once!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I pressed my lips on hers and she groaned.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33One thing led to another and before long,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I was sliding my hand up her skirts every Friday night.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Others followed.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Word got round about the Doctor of Southwark.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49They said I could cure hysteria by inducing paroxysms.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I would tip-toe in, and one by one, I'd give them the nod
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and we'd go out back and I'd shuffle them off.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I did six in one night one busy Saturday.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I got cramp.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Yes, I've read The Well Of Loneliness.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"That night they were not divided."
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Well, she should have got out more.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I never let them touch me.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Even though I had started to pack myself with an old sock.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Just the one.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I'm not a crower.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"You're nice," they'd say.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20"The perfect gentleman."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Then Sally came.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29No man.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40She breezed in with a couple of other girls, egging each other on,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44fresh from the meadows and longing to be led astray.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47She caught my eye and held it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I fell instantly in love.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56She was 18 and never been kissed, but she was bold,
0:12:56 > 0:13:01hungry for her life to start and, I found, so was I.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07I walked her home three miles, floated back to Southwark,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09saw her every Saturday.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11She was working at Boots in Piccadilly,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14and on my day off, I'd go in to make her blush.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19I'd ask her loudly for, "A little something for the weekend."
0:13:19 > 0:13:21The other girls would laugh at me, say,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"Here he is, Burlington Bertie!"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27If only they knew I was more Vesta Tilley
0:13:27 > 0:13:29than they could ever imagine.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"I walked down the Strand with me gloves on me hands
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"and I walked down again with them off."
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Did they know?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Could they see?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Sally didn't.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Or didn't seem to.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Or didn't want to.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Until last night.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I am such a fool.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Such an utter idiot!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I don't know why I thought it would ever work.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12We'd been intimate for some weeks, three, four.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15But she wasn't like the others.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16She wanted more.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19A lot more.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22She said she loved me and wanted us to go steady.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I was so deliriously happy...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29..I asked her to marry me.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Marry me?!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36And she said yes, straightaway. She didn't even want to wait.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"I want to marry you now, Bobby Page, right now!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"I want to wash your socks and have 12 babies and make you
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"steak pudding and kiss you every night," she'd say.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50Smothering me with her mouth, trying to pull on my flies.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55I managed to push her away, but she only fought harder, laughing.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Saying, why was I so shy?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01And surely a handsome chap like me had had scores of girls.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05She became more and more insistent.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09She started borrowing filthy books from a dirty girl at work.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12The language!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'd never heard the like.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"I've got standing room for one," she'd whisper.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Or, "I need my chimney swept good and proper."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Well, it was me blushing then, but...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27..it did things to me.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I started to get nervous that she would leave me.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I tried to break it off, but I couldn't.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I loved her.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41So I did something...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44..utterly insane.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Such sheer folly.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Oh, God!
0:15:55 > 0:15:56And that's why I'm in this pickle.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02You see, the big house has a lot of candles,
0:16:02 > 0:16:07and yesterday I was replacing the old ones in the dining room -
0:16:07 > 0:16:09she likes fresh every night.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And it got me to thinking, what a waste!
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Don't laugh, but I whittled one down at the end.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23I've never seen a real one - had to avoid the urinals
0:16:23 > 0:16:24for obvious reasons,
0:16:24 > 0:16:30but I've seen dirty puzzles, filthy books, so I had a good idea.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I stuck it in my underwear.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36It kept slipping out.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It was quite a queer gait I had walking down the street, but...
0:16:43 > 0:16:44..I liked it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I went to pick her up from work, waited round the back.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51As soon as she saw me, she grabbed me and kissed me,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54pushed me up against the bins,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57fumbled for my privates and I let her.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01And she smiled, reached to my flies and let out a gasp.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And then she pulled up her skirts and said, "Stick it in me!"
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Just like that!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Well, it was dark.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"Why not?" thought I.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Why not?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19So we did it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And after, she said,
0:17:23 > 0:17:29"Thank you," and looked so pleased, I could have died happy.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Her clinging on to me,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34her hot breath on the back of my neck as she calmed herself.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39And then it fell out.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Slipped out of my hand.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44She screamed.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47For a moment, I think she thought she'd broken it,
0:17:47 > 0:17:48but then...
0:17:49 > 0:17:53..she saw what it was, and her face, it...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57..folded in on itself.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And she gathered up her skirts and ran.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I mean, how could she not have known?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Surely, a candle is just...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10..the wrong kind of stiff.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I don't think I can do this any more.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22And then this morning...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25..a note.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27"Who are you? What are you?"
0:18:30 > 0:18:31She said to meet here.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"I'm Bert, perhaps you've heard of me.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"Bert, you've heard word of me.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43"Jogging along, hearty and strong,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"living on plates of fresh air.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52"I dress up in fashion and when I'm feeling depressed...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58"..I shave from my cuff all my whiskers and fluff.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"Stick my hat on...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"and toddle up west."
0:19:03 > 0:19:04BELL RINGS