0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31When I was wee,
0:00:31 > 0:00:35and we'd be out in the car and we'd pass a wedding,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40a church or outside a registry office, my mum would, without fail,
0:00:40 > 0:00:45slow down, roll down her window and shout out, "Don't do it, you mad fools!"
0:00:47 > 0:00:50In retrospect, I think she was still processing her feelings about
0:00:50 > 0:00:53the divorce, but we just thought it was funny.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Every time! Really funny.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Though not if you were a...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03..reluctant bride with acute hearing.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Such incidents bred in me a suspicion,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12a certain uncertainty towards marriage.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Towards men.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Towards making promises amid pomp and circumstance.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Towards institutions and the done thing.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25What one ought and what one not.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Oh, my scepticism is a rich inheritance.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32The family fortune from my mother's side.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37But here I am...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41..which is why I have to get this right.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Which starts with getting THIS right.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51All those Jaffa Cakes inhaled for inspiration can't have died in vain.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52HE CLEARS THROAT
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Once upon a time, a plucky young man
0:01:57 > 0:02:00went on an adventure miles from home.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04In a magical kingdom in a far-away land,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08he met a handsome prince who spent all his days bringing joy to
0:02:08 > 0:02:11the lives of others.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16One night, at a ball where all the beautiful people in the kingdom had gathered,
0:02:16 > 0:02:20the handsome prince spoke to the man who was minding his own business
0:02:20 > 0:02:24while desperately trying to get served at a bar where, yet again,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26he had forgotten to take off his cloak of invisibility.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33So kind was the prince that he bought the plucky young man a drink.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37And so gracious was the man that he asked the prince to dance.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44And the dance was so entrancing that everyone else in the room vanished.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48The world stopped spinning and it was just the man and the prince in
0:02:48 > 0:02:50each other's arms on top of the world...
0:02:52 > 0:02:54..with only Lady Gaga for company.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Now THERE'S a threesome!
0:02:55 > 0:02:56HE CACKLES
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Pause for applause, wild applause, possibly some cheering.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Obviously, if I fill in a few details,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08the magic of the story may pale,
0:03:08 > 0:03:13as magic often does when you see its mechanics.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16The adventure was a fortnight in Florida.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20The ball was a club playing Bad Romance.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21The plucky young man was...
0:03:24 > 0:03:25..youngish.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And the prince wasn't a prince at all,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32but another plucky young man on an adventure of his own.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36That his adventure was working on a roller-coaster in a theme park gets
0:03:36 > 0:03:38bonus OMG points in my mind,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41but then I've always loved roller-coasters.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Real and emotional.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Lest you hadn't noticed.
0:03:47 > 0:03:53Of course, this story isn't like the fairy tales I was raised on.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57No horse-drawn pumpkins, way too many homosexuals.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02I do have a story about three bears, but NSFAJ.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Not Suitable For Auntie Janice.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Nor anybody else, mind you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13No, people like me didn't feature in the stories I was told growing up.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Felt as if I didn't exist.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Even if there were characters like me,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21they were Hall of Mirrors distortions that made me feel like
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I didn't want to exist.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I had a go at ending my existence back then.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35But I was as good at suicide as I was at physics,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37so I lived and learnt.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43It's painful to be invisible in other people's stories, but there is
0:04:43 > 0:04:44a sliver of liberation.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47You can tell your own story.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50You can author your own life.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51There's no script to stick to...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58..which is fucking terrifying.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02And quite exciting.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09And fucking terrifying.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Not that scripts can't be quite useful.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18For me and my people...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Oh, my God! My people?
0:05:22 > 0:05:28For me and other gay people, we now have the opportunity, the right,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31to have the fairy tale wedding that others have always had.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Even just for a day,
0:05:33 > 0:05:38we can be handsome princes and/or/and beautiful princesses.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Though inevitably,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43some of us will end up more Princess Margaret than Kate Middleton.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51We, the gays, can now tell, out loud and proud, our stories.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53And everyone - yes, even you,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Auntie Becky, who told me I was making my life difficult with my "choice"
0:05:57 > 0:05:58to be gay...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02..has a better life because of it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Me having the right to get married doesn't take anything away from
0:06:05 > 0:06:08anyone else. Rights aren't like cake.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Me having some doesn't mean you get less.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16And speaking of cake...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Too wordy? Too wordy?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Too twee? Too angry? Am I angry?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Maybe I should start a fight.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Set fire to something.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Uncle Frank, perhaps.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Bloody straights!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Not only do they go around shoving their lifestyle down everyone's throats,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43but they've also exhausted every aspect of getting married,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46made every possible choice, and to a cliche!
0:06:46 > 0:06:51And only now, when it's on its last legs, do they wheel in the gays for
0:06:51 > 0:06:54a vital refresh after all this time.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Hardly any time at all.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Not just a big day, but monumental.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Part of me wants the formality and frivolity over and done with
0:07:08 > 0:07:10so life can get back to "normal".
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Another part of me wants to live in perpetual anticipation...
0:07:17 > 0:07:21..in the thrall of the imminent thrill.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27And another part of me wonders if it's a good idea at all.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Even in victory, you lose something.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34The feeling of...
0:07:35 > 0:07:36..being the rebel...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40..the subversive, the outlaw.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I know! Never happy with what I've got.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Until him.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I personally have no reservations, no nerves, no niggles,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59no last-minute jitters,
0:07:59 > 0:08:03no brief or lengthy reconsiders for the love before this one,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05or for my first, or for the one that got away,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07or the one that required an escape.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Not even for my great unrequited who might have...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15..if I'd asked.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Nope.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22The answer to the proverbial question when popped was never going to be no.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It's at moments like this you realise, despite your best efforts,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29you've still been indoctrinated with old-fashioned, romantic,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31sentimental ideas of what love is and how it plays out.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I read it described once in a book
0:08:34 > 0:08:37as having fairy tales stuck in your innards.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Love is a sentimental tapeworm.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Sometimes, I still can't believe I'm having a wedding.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Getting married's one thing, but a wedding? Ha-ha!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53And a wedding of this size!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57A wedding we technically cannot afford.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01A wedding at which I'm already having an issue with the table decorations.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06From Auntie Sheila. She normally buys them half-price in the January sales
0:09:06 > 0:09:08for the following Christmas. Only, this year,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11she decided my getting married was a special enough occasion
0:09:11 > 0:09:14to get them out six months early. A special enough occasion!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20And the fact that she's not sure she'll be around come Christmas,
0:09:20 > 0:09:21her bowels...
0:09:22 > 0:09:23..being what they are.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27All I care about is they don't pull focus today.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29The bowels, not the crackers.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30These crackers were only from Asda.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35But let's not get entangled in Auntie Sheila's innards.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Marriage - an institution for the insane to which you commit yourself voluntarily.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46For those that won't commit or submit, those that can't,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47won't or don't fit...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51..there are other institutions.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Asylums and prisons, say.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57In the end, we all find our place,
0:09:57 > 0:10:03or are put in it. The kitchen, the bedroom, the attic, the cellar,
0:10:03 > 0:10:04the cemetery.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I read The Handmaid's Tale at school. It was very illuminating.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I loved school!
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Well, I loved learning.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Could have done without the relentless bullying,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18having the shit kicked out of me on a weekly basis.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And kids I didn't even know shouting across the playground at me,
0:10:22 > 0:10:23"Die of Aids, you fucking poofter!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Children - so adorable.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31You can't really blame them.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Little pitchers. What gets poured in gets poured out.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39And what got poured in then was Section 28, Tory family values,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44the gay plague and EastBenders on the front of The Sun
0:10:44 > 0:10:46because I was the danger, me!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I never felt that, of course.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I wish I'd felt dangerous.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51What I felt was anxious.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Fearful, most of the time, forever poised for fight or flight.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Needing to read every room in an instant to assess the potential threats,
0:11:00 > 0:11:04who the alphas were, who to avoid and who to make an ally.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10From that,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13the last one left standing, unpicked at PE,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16the saddo sitting out the school disco slow dances because he
0:11:16 > 0:11:19couldn't wrap his arms round the one he wanted,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21the teenager looking for love
0:11:21 > 0:11:24in pissy public toilets and parks after dark...
0:11:26 > 0:11:27..to this.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Respectability.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Propriety.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Decorum.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Perhaps everyone has their price...
0:11:43 > 0:11:47..and maybe mine is measured in crockery and cookware on a John Lewis gift list.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57Or maybe it's measured in love and loving,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00from spoonfuls to right big buckets.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04And what I learnt about love, first and foremost, I learnt from Liza.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Oh, my lovely mum, not Ms Minnelli.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Although...terrific!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17There was this one time when I got really badly beaten up by Grant Smiley
0:12:17 > 0:12:21at the swings and Mum went round to his house like a pocket tornado.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24She ripped strips off Grant's mum and scared the bejesus out of him.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26He steered well clear after that.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Smiley's not so smiley then.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Knights in shining armour come in all shapes and sizes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Mine was five foot nothing in her stocking soles.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I remember Mum having to decide whether to buy a pint of milk or a loaf of bread
0:12:43 > 0:12:45because we couldn't afford both...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50..but I never remember having to choose between love and laughter.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54We had both in abundance.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Some shouting, too, admittedly.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01OK, a lot of shouting.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Some screaming even, maybe, occasionally.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05But mostly...
0:13:07 > 0:13:11..overwhelmingly, love.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16When I told her that I'd met a man on holiday
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and he worked in a theme park, she didn't bat an eyelid.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24When I brought him home, she welcomed him with open arms and asked if, being an American,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26he liked the Dixie Chicks.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31And then she said it was typical Steven to win a man at a funfair
0:13:31 > 0:13:33when most people make do with a goldfish.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37But she's always been the witty one in our family.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Oh, which reminds me. Obviously, there's going to be an Oscar Wilde quote.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45You can't have a gay wedding without an Oscar Wilde quote.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47When I worked in a care home when I was at college,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50there was an old blind man I read to sometimes.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52He loved Oscar Wilde.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55He even said he'd seen him once.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58And that's how I know this quote.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"All women become like their mothers.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"That is their tragedy.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07"No man does.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10"That's his."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14That's not my tragedy.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15For better or for worse, mostly better,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I am totally turning into my mother.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20And I'm fine with that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Though I suspect she'll always be the better line dancer.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I could say, I suppose, that...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33..today isn't about me, it's about her...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36..about seeing my lovely mum so happy.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And that wouldn't entirely be a lie, but come on!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Let's face it!
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Today's all about me.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Me and him.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49But mostly me.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52And him.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Him!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03The man who, when we first met, smelled of candyfloss,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06soap and everything will be all right.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Quite a heady combination.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12My someone to dance round the kitchen with,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15my someone to take photographs of,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19someone to talk to all day and spoon with all night.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20He loves my singing.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22OK, totally hates my singing.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26And he even likes my cooking.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28He laughs at my jokes and he lets me cry.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31He encourages me to be kind.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34He makes me want to be a better man.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41And the best view ever isn't Uluru, or Iguazu, the Taj Mahal,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44the Grand Canyon, or even Edinburgh as seen from Arthur's Seat on
0:15:44 > 0:15:48a clear autumn day with the Forth shimmering in the distance.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53It's the nape of his neck when he's lying asleep in my arms.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I know we don't get happily ever afters in real life.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I'm a hopeless romantic, not a total fucking idiot.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05As my friend, Russell, said to me once,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"Even with the happiest couples, one of you dies first."
0:16:09 > 0:16:10But first...
0:16:12 > 0:16:13..there is such...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17..unalloyed joy.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23We went to the supermarket yesterday and we were wandering around and,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26at one point, he took my hand, because that's the kind of thing he does.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27And instantly, I got flustered.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Residual anxiety.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Remembrance of past battery.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Enduring scars.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Even though I know I'm hardly likely to get my head kicked in by the salad bar,
0:16:40 > 0:16:41PDAs can still make me nervous.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45And then he said,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47gentle as anything, and I'm not going to do the accent...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"If there's a gay kid in here with his folks,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"frightened that he's a freak,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"don't you think that it might give him hope,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"seeing two guys wandering around,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02"being themselves, getting their groceries, like everyone else?"
0:17:05 > 0:17:07If happiness is a place...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11..it's the biscuit aisle in Sainsbury's.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And anywhere else I am with him.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21And when we met,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I'll never forget what he said when I introduced myself.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"Pleased to meet you, Steve. I'm Adam." And then, "And if that's the case,
0:17:27 > 0:17:32"we should probably get married. Adam and Steve has a certain ring about it, don't you think?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Oh, and now it has got a certain ring about it.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39He liked it and he put a ring... Ooh, don't spoil it, Steven.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46HE SIGHS
0:17:50 > 0:17:52This is the beginning of a new chapter in my story...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56..our story, that continues tomorrow
0:17:56 > 0:17:59when we go back to where our tale began,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03and I get to meet Adam's extended Orlando family which, funnily enough,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05does include a giant and a couple of dwarves.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13We may even stop off for a dance at the ball where the beautiful people are.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Sadly, they don't do glass slippers in my size, but then,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18when did I ever leave a club before midnight?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Ladies and gentlemen...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26..please raise your glasses to my...
0:18:28 > 0:18:33..husband, the love of my life, Adam.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39To our always and forever, till death do us part...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43..as hopefully happily ever after as it gets.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I think it's better off the cuff.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58From the heart. Oh, you can really overthink these things, can't you?