0:00:07 > 0:00:09They just walked out of there!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Yeah, I know, I was, sort of, sitting next to you.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14The whole Waters family. They just walked right out of there!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- Again, I was in the room. - How do they always manage that?!
0:00:17 > 0:00:19They're good.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20They're greedy and they'll do it again
0:00:20 > 0:00:23and next time, we're going to catch them in the act.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24How?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34No good?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37They always know we're coming. How do they always know?!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40They're good, they work at it.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- They're never going to stop. - Well, neither are we.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Argh!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Argh!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Argh! AARGH!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10- Oh!- Greg...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12In the act!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16It's the only way we're going to do this - in the act!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28COMPUTER BEEPS
0:01:45 > 0:01:47They're still blocking it?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah. Very efficiently hacked.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52They must be bloody pleased with themselves.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54They must be.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Right, then?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Ah, no! No, you've got to make the arrest. This one's yours, boss.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07You've never called me boss before.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, well, look what happens when you're good.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13You know how most days aren't good days?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- This is a good day. - Not for the Waters family.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16TEXT ALERT
0:02:16 > 0:02:18OK, ten men on the roof, all exits covered.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The bank's closed, so we've no hostages to worry about. TEXT ALERT
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Sorry, no, go on. Go on.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Um, we've got the tunnel entrance covered... TEXT ALERT
0:02:25 > 0:02:27..and Davies, Willow and Christie
0:02:27 > 0:02:29are heading up armed response on Mafeking Road. TEXT ALERT
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Sorry, I'd better get this. - It's him, isn't it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- I-I-I have to go.- What?!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42- You make the arrest.- No way!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Sorry, you'll be fine. I'm cool with this.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Jones will get all the credit if you leave now, you know he will.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Yeah, well, yeah, it doesn't matter, I have to go.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Back up! I need maximum back up!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Baker Street now!
0:03:12 > 0:03:13What's going on?!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- This is hard.- What?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Really hard. Hardest thing I've ever had to do.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Do you know any funny stories about John?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27What?!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I need anecdotes. Didn't go to any trouble, did you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33SIRENS WAIL, HELICOPTER HOVERS
0:04:13 > 0:04:16VIOLIN MUSIC
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Shut up, Mrs Hudson. - I haven't said a word.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You're formulating a question.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05It's physically painful watching you think.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I thought it was you playing.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- It was me playing. - MUSIC STOPS
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I am composing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You were dancing.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I was road-testing.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16You what?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Why are you here?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I'm bringing you your morning tea. You're not usually awake.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23You bring me tea in the morning?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Well, where do you think it came from?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I don't know. I just thought it, sort of, happened.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Your mother has a lot to answer for.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Hmm, I know. I have a list.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Mycroft has a file.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37So, it's the big day, then.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39What big day?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The wedding! John and Mary getting married.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Two people who currently live together are about to attend church,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48have a party, go on a short holiday, then carry on living together.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- What's big about that? - It changes people, marriage.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Hmm, no, it doesn't.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Well, you wouldn't understand, cos you always live alone.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Your husband was executed for double murder.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You're hardly an advert for companionship.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Marriage changes you as a person in ways that you can't imagine.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06As does lethal injection.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09My best friend, Margaret, she was my chief bridesmaid.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13We were going to be best friends for ever, we always said that,
0:06:13 > 0:06:14but I hardly saw her after that.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Aren't there usually biscuits? - I've run out.- Have the shops?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21She cried the whole day, saying, "Ooh, it's the end of an era."
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I'm sure the shop on the corner is open.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26She was probably right, really. I remember she left early.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I mean, who leaves a wedding early? So sad.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Hmm. Anyway, you've got things to do.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- No, not really. I've got plenty of time to get ready...- Biscuits!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Oh! I really am going to have a word with your mother.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42You can if you like, she understands very little.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Right, then.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Into battle.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13CHURCH BELLS TOLL
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Congratulations!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19OK, hold it there, I want to get this shot of the newlyweds.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Er, just the bride and groom, please.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Sherlock...- Oh, sorry.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28OK, three, two, one, cheese.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42The famous Mr Holmes. I'm very pleased to meet you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- But no sex, OK?- Sorry?!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47You don't have to look so scared. I'm only messing.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Bridesmaid, best man - it's a bit traditional.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Is it?- But not obligatory. - If that's the sort of thing
0:08:55 > 0:08:57you're looking for, that man is your best bet.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Recently divorced doctor, with a ginger cat...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02A barn conversion and a history of erectile dysfunction.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Reviewing that information, possibly not your best bet.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Yeah, maybe not.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Sorry, there was one more deduction there than I was expecting.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Mr Holmes, you're going to be incredibly useful.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Hello. Lovely to meet you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- How are you?- Beautiful, Mary.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26- Thank you.- Congratulations.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28David!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Ah, ah, Mary. Congratulations, you look, um, very nice.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Thanks.- John, congratulations. You're a lucky man.- Thank you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Um, David, this is Sherlock.- Hmm.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Um, yeah, we've um... We've met.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50So, what exactly are my duties as an usher?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Let's talk about Mary first.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Sorry, what?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Well, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Er, ages ago. We're... We're just good friends now.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Is that a fact?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes, regardless of time or current location,
0:10:06 > 0:10:10suggesting you have her on text alert. In your Facebook photographs of the happy couple,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Mary takes centre frame, whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Well, you can't assume from that I've still got some kind of interest in Mary...
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on on no less than three separate occasions.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Do you have anything to say in your defence?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I think from now on, we'll downgrade you to casual acquaintance.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29No more than three planned social encounters a year
0:10:29 > 0:10:31and always in John's presence.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42High-functioning sociopath, with your number.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Um...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Hello.- Darling.- Thank you.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- You look fabulous.- Thank you.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Thanks for coming, thank you.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Er, yes, well done in the service, Archie.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- He's really come out of his shell. I don't know how you did it.- Um...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Basically, it's a cute smile to the bride's side,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- cute smile to the groom's side and then the rings.- No.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22- And you have to wear the outfit.- No.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- You really do have to wear the outfit.- What for?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Grown-ups like that sort of thing.- Why?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I don't know, I'll ask one.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You're a detective.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Yep.- Have you solved any murders?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Sure, loads.- Can I see?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Yeah, all right.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44COMPUTER BEEPS
0:11:46 > 0:11:48What's all the stuff in his eye?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Maggots.- Cool!
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Hmm.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55He said you had some pictures for him, as a treat?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Er, yes, if he's good.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Beheadings.- Lovely little village.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Hmm? What did you say?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Hold it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Nice.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- I'm starving.- Thanks.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I had to lose so much weight to get into this dress.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22JOHN LAUGHS
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Hmm, he's nice.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Traces of two leading brands of deodorant, both advertised for their strength,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31suggestive of a chronic body odour problem, manifesting under stress.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34OK, done there. What about his friend?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Long-term relationship, compulsive cheat.- Seriously?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Waterproof cover on his smartphone.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Yet his complexion doesn't indicate outdoor work.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It suggests he's in the habit of taking his phone into the shower with him,
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- which means he often receives texts and e-mails he'd rather went unseen. - Can I keep you?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Do you like solving crimes? - Do you have a vacancy?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- So, Harry?- Er, no. No show.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Darling, I'm so sorry.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yeah, it was a bit of a punt asking her, I suppose.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Still, free bar, wouldn't have been a good mix.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh. God, wow!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Is that...?- He came.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- So that's him, Major Sholto.- Uh-huh.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26If they're such good friends, why does he barely even mention him?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30He mentions him all the time to me, never shuts up about him.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- About HIM?- Mm-hmm.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Urgh! I chose this wine, it's bloody awful!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Yes, but it's definitely him that he talks about?- Mm-hmm.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I'm very, very, glad to see you, sir.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I know you don't really do this sort of thing.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Well, I do for old friends, Watson.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49John.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- It's good to see you.- You, too.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Civilian life suiting you, then?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Er, er, yes. Well, I think so, sir. - No more need for the trick cyclist?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02No, I go now and then. Sort of a top-up.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Therapy can be very helpful.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Where are you living these days?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Oh, way out in the middle of nowhere. You wouldn't know it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- You look well...- I've never even heard him say his name.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Well, he's almost a recluse, you know, since...- Yes.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I didn't think he'd show up at all.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25John says he's the most unsociable man he's ever met.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- He is? He's the most unsociable?- Hmm.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Ah, that's why he's bouncing around him like a puppy.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Oh, Sherlock!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- Neither of us were the first, you know.- Stop smiling.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's my wedding day!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Urgh!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45BANGING
0:15:07 > 0:15:11PHONE RINGS
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Yes? What, Sherlock?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Why are you out of breath?- Filing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Either I've caught you in a compromising position or you've been working out again.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- I favour the latter. - What do you want?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I need your answer, Mycroft, as a matter of urgency.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- Answer?- Even at the eleventh hour, it's not too late, you know.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Oh, Lord!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Cars can be ordered, private jets commandeered.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Today. It's today, isn't it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39No, Sherlock, I will not be coming to the night-do,
0:15:39 > 0:15:40as you so poetically put it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44What a shame. Mary and John will be extremely d...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Delighted not to have me hanging around.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh, I don't know.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52There should always be a spectre at the feast.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55So, this is it, then? The big day.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I suppose I'll be seeing a lot more of you from now on.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- What do you mean? - Just like old times.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- No, I don't understand.- 'Well, it's the end of an era, isn't it?'
0:16:04 > 0:16:07John and Mary, domestic bliss.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11No, no, no. I prefer to think of it as the beginning of a new chapter.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- What?- Nothing. - I know that silence. What?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Well, I'd better let you get back to it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You have a big speech or something, don't you?
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- What?- Cakes, karaoke, mingling.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Mycroft!- This is what people do, Sherlock. They get married.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I warned you, don't get involved.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Involved? I'm not involved.- No...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- John asked me to be his best man, how could I say no?- Absolutely. - I'm not involved.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I believe you. Really, I do.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Have a lovely day and do give the happy couple my best.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I will.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Oh, by the way, Sherlock, do you remember Redbeard?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I'm not a child any more, Mycroft.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55No, of course you're not.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Pray silence for the best man.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34family and friends,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39um, others.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Er...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52A-also...
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Greg...- Molly. - I've just had a thought.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Is that a brain?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Well, he will, won't he? He's bound to.- Exactly.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- So?- So, he'll have to make a speech, in front of people.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12There'll be actual people there, actually listening.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Well, what's the worst that could happen?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Helen-Louise probably wondered the same.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Helen-Louise?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26PHONE RINGS
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Oh, hello dear.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I was just thinking, if John does ask Sherlock...
0:18:29 > 0:18:33What, the speech, dear? No, it'll be fine.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35It's not just the speech, though, is it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39MRS HUDSON LAUGHS
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Oh, brilliant!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Mrs Hudson?- Hello, darling. - Are you all right?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I was coming to see Sherlock and I thought you were...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- No...- Possibly dying.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, sorry.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58What's wrong?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00The telegrams!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Sorry, what?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Oh, sorry.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Telegrams!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Right, um...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17First things first, telegrams.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Well, they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams. I don't know why.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Wedding tradition.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26"To Mr and Mrs Watson,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"so sorry I am unable to be with you on your special day.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- "Good luck and best wishes, Mike Stanford."- Aah.- Aw.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"To John and Mary, all good wishes for your special day,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"with love and many big...
0:19:37 > 0:19:41"Big squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted."
0:19:43 > 0:19:46"Mary, lots of love...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Yeah?
0:19:48 > 0:19:52"Poppet. Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from Cam.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56"Wish your family could have seen this."
0:19:56 > 0:20:00"Special day..." "Very special day..."
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"Love..." "Love..." "Love..." "Love..." "Love..."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People are basically fond.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08QUIET LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11John Watson.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15My friend, John Watson.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19John...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Sherlock? - What was that noise downstairs?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Oh, it was Mrs Hudson laughing.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Hmm, it sounded like she was torturing an owl.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yeah, well, it was laughter.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Could have been both.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Busy?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Oh, just occupying myself. Sometimes it's so hard not smoking.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Mind if I interrupt?
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Be my guest.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Tea?- Er...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So, er, the big question.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Mm-hmm?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55The best man.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56The best man?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- What do you think?- Billy Kincaid.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Sorry, what?- Billy Kincaid, the Camden Garrotter, best man I ever knew.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Vast contributions to charity, never disclosed.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure
0:21:06 > 0:21:09and ran the best and safest children's homes in north England.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14Yes, every now and again, there'd be some garrotings, but stacking up the lives saved against the garrotings,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- on balance I'd say he... - For my wedding.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18For me, I need a best man.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Oh, right.- Maybe not a garrotter.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Gavin?- Who?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Gavin Lestrade? He's a man and good at it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's Greg. And he's not my best friend.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Oh, Mike Stanford, I see.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Well, he's nice. Um, though I'm not sure how well he'd cope with all...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37No, Mike's great, but HE'S not my best friend.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Look, Sherlock, this is the biggest and most important day of my life...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Well...- No, it is. It is.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And I want to be up there with the two people
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- that I love and care about most in the world.- Yes.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- So Mary Morstan...- Yes.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00And...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06..you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I confess, at first, I didn't realise he was asking me.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23I explained to him that I'd never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Sherlock...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I nonetheless promised I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was, for me,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42in some ways, very close to being moved by it.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49No, it's getting a bit scary now.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It later transpired that I'd said none of this out loud.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:22:59So, in fact...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- You, you mean...- Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I'm your...
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- best...- Man.- ..friend?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yeah, of course you are.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Of course... You're my best friend.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31How was that?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Surprisingly OK.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38So you'll have to make a speech, of course.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Done that. Done that.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Done that bit, done that bit.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Done that bit. Hmm.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59All emotions and, in particular, love,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05A wedding is, in my considered opinion,
0:24:05 > 0:24:10nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and sentimental in this ailing and morally-compromised world.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Today, we honour the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and, in time, one feels certain, our entire species.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- But anyway, let's talk about John.- Please.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own
0:24:37 > 0:24:40that he has overlooked in his obsession with me.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54There is a certain analogy there, I feel. And contrast is, after all,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Or it would be, if God were not a ludicrous fantasy,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04MUTTERING
0:25:06 > 0:25:08The point I'm trying to make is that I am
0:25:08 > 0:25:12the most unpleasant, rude,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole
0:25:15 > 0:25:18that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I am dismissive of the virtuous,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23unaware of the beautiful
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29So, if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man,
0:25:29 > 0:25:33it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36And certainly not the best friend
0:25:36 > 0:25:40of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46John, I am a ridiculous man...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50..redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52But, as I am, apparently, your best friend,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Actually, now I can.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Mary, when I say you deserve this man,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.
0:26:08 > 0:26:15John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss -
0:26:15 > 0:26:20so sorry again about that last one - so know this, today you sit between
0:26:20 > 0:26:24the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28In short, the two people who love you most in all this world.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And I know I speak for Mary, as well, when I say,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- (If I try and hug him, stop me.) - Certainly not.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Ah, yes. Now, on to some funny stories about John.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52What's wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Oh, Sherlock!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Did I do it wrong? - No, you didn't. Come here.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59APPLAUSE
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- I haven't finished yet. - Yeah, I know, I know.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- So on to some funny stories now... - Can you wait till I sit down?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17So, on to some funny stories about John.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would be better.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23On we go.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28So, for funny stories, one has to look no further than John's blog -
0:27:28 > 0:27:30the record of our time together.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Of course, he does tend to romanticise things a bit,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35but then, you know, he's a romantic.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38We've tackled some strange cases.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40The Hollow Client...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48The Poison Giant...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Get down, John!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02We've had some frustrating cases...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09What is that?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12A French decathlete found completely out of his mind,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15surrounded by 1,812 matchboxes,
0:28:15 > 0:28:16all empty, except this one.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18And what's in that one?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Inexplicable.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Touching cases...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30She's going to ring the doorbell.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Oh, no. She's changed her mind.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Oh, she's going to do it. No, she's leaving.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41She's leaving. Oh, she's coming back.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45- She's a client, she's boring. I've seen those symptoms before.- Hmm?
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Oscillation on the pavement always means there's a love affair.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52And, of course, I have to mention the elephant in the room...
0:28:53 > 0:28:56ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:28:56 > 0:28:58But we want something
0:28:58 > 0:29:01very particular for this special day, don't we?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05The Bloody Guardsman...
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Need to work on your half of the church, Mary, looking a bit thin.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Oh, orphan's lot. Friends, that's all I have, lots of friends.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Schedule the organ music to begin at precisely 11:48...
0:29:17 > 0:29:20But the rehearsal's not for another two weeks, just calm down.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Calm? I am calm. I'm extremely calm.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Let's get back to the reception, come on.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26John's cousin, top table?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Hmm, hates you. Can't even bear to think about you.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- Seriously? - Second class post, cheap card.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Bought at a petrol station. Look at the stamp, three attempts at licking,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37she's obviously unconsciously retaining saliva.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- Ah, let's stick her by the bogs. - Oh, yes.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Who else hates me?
0:29:46 > 0:29:47Oh, great, thanks.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50"Priceless painting nicked." Looks interesting.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- Table four...- Done.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53"My husband is three people."
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- Table five... - Major James Sholto - who he?
0:29:56 > 0:29:59- John's old commanding officer. I don't think he's coming. - He'll be there.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01- Well, he needs to RSVP, then. - He'll be there.- Oh.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05"My husband is three people." It's interesting.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08It says he has three distinct patterns of moles on his skin.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Identical triplets, one in half a million births. Solved it without leaving the flat.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Now, serviettes... Swan or Sydney Opera House?
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- Where did you learn that?- Many skills are required in the field
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- of criminal investigation... - Fibbing, Sherlock.- I once broke an alibi by demonstrating
0:30:20 > 0:30:25- the exact severity of a fold...- I'm not John, I can tell when you're fibbing.- OK, I learnt it on YouTube.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Opera House, please. Oh, hang on, I'm buzzing.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Hello?
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Oh, hi, Beth.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Yeah, yeah, I don't see why not.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Actually, if that's Beth, it's probably for me, too, hang on.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47He knows we don't have a friend called Beth. He's going to figure out that it's code.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50- He's YouTubing serviettes. - He's thorough.- He's terrified. - Of course he's not.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54When you're scared of something, you start wishing it sooner, just to get it all going.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57But why would he be scared that we're getting married?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59It's not going to change anything, we'll still do stuff.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02You need to prove it to him. I told you to find him a new case.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- I'm trying.- But you need to run him, OK? Show him it's still the good old days.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17That just, sort of, happened.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Sherlock, um, mate...
0:31:25 > 0:31:27I have...
0:31:27 > 0:31:31I've smelled 18 different perfumes,
0:31:31 > 0:31:36I've sampled nine different slices of cake, which all tasted identical.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40- I like the bridesmaids in purple...- Lilac.- Lilac.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Um, there are no more decisions left to make.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46I don't even understand the decisions that we have made.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48I'm faking opinions and it's exhausting.
0:31:48 > 0:31:54So, please, before she comes back... pick something.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Anything. Pick one.- Pick what?
0:31:58 > 0:32:01A case. Your inbox is bursting.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Just... get me out of here.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06You want to go out on a case? Now?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Please. Sherlock, for me.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Don't you worry about a thing, I'll get you out of this.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Oh.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19"Dear Mr Holmes, my name is Bainbridge.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"I'm a Private in Her Majesty's Household Guard.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24"I'm writing to you about a personal matter...
0:32:24 > 0:32:26"One I don't care to bring before my superiors,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28"it would sound so trivial,
0:32:29 > 0:32:31"but I think someone's stalking me.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33"I'm used to tourists, it's part of the job,
0:32:33 > 0:32:35"but this is different.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37"Someone's watching me.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42"He's taking pictures of me every day.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47"I don't want to mention it to the Major, but it's really preying on my mind."
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Uniform fetishist? All the nice girls like a soldier.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58It's "sailor". And Bainbridge thinks his stalker is a bloke.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Let's go and investigate. Please.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- Elite guard. - 40 enlisted men and officers.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Why this particular Grenadier? Curious.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- Now you're talking.- OK.- Bye!
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Er, we're just going to... I need, um, Sherlock to help me
0:33:12 > 0:33:14- choose some er...- Ties.- Socks.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16- Why don't we go with socks?- Yeah.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I mean, you've got to get the right ones.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- Exactly, to go with my... - Tie.- Outfit.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- That'll take a while, right? - Is my coat in there?- Yes.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29I'm just going to take him out for a bit. Run him.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- I know. You said you'd find him a case.- Hmm.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33- Coming, Sherlock?- Coming!
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Taxi!
0:33:57 > 0:34:00Company, halt!
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Right turn!
0:34:07 > 0:34:09We're here to see Private Stephen Bainbridge.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11He's on duty right now, sir.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13But I'll certainly let him know when he's free.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14And when will that be?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Another hour.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Do you think they give them classes?
0:34:32 > 0:34:33Classes?
0:34:33 > 0:34:37How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system.
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Bum itch.
0:34:42 > 0:34:43Oh.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50So why don't you see him any more?
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- Who?- Your previous commander, Sholto.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Previous commander?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57I meant ex.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59"Previous" suggests that I currently have a commander.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- Which you don't.- Which I don't. - Of course you don't.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05He was decorated, wasn't he? A war hero?
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Not to everyone.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09He led a team of crows into battle.
0:35:09 > 0:35:10Crows?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13New recruits. It's standard procedure - break the new boys in.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14But it went wrong.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18They all died. He was the only survivor.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23- The press and families gave him hell. He gets more death threats than you. - Oh, I wouldn't count on that.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27And why have you suddenly taken an interest in another human being?
0:35:27 > 0:35:28I'm "chatting".
0:35:32 > 0:35:34I won't be trying THAT again.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38Changing the subject completely...
0:35:38 > 0:35:43you know it won't alter anything, right, me and Mary getting married?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45We'll still be doing all this...
0:35:45 > 0:35:47- Oh, good.- ..if you were worried.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49I wasn't worried.
0:35:51 > 0:35:52Hmm.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56The thing about Mary,
0:35:56 > 0:35:58she has completely turned my life around.
0:36:00 > 0:36:01Changed everything.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04But, for the record,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07over the last few years, there are two people who have done that,
0:36:07 > 0:36:11and the other one is...
0:36:11 > 0:36:13a complete dickhead.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Can I ask what this is in connection with?
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Private Bainbridge contacted us about a personal matter, sir.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Nothing's personal when it concerns my troops.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56What do you really want?
0:37:56 > 0:37:59I'm here on a legitimate enquiry.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03Are you press? Digging for some bloody Royal story or something?
0:38:03 > 0:38:05No, sir, I'm Captain John Watson,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Retired.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12You could be a used-car salesman now, for all I know.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Bainbridge?
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Gentleman here to see you.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Bainbridge!
0:38:29 > 0:38:31I know you, don't I?
0:38:31 > 0:38:32Hmm?
0:38:35 > 0:38:38I've seen you in the papers.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40You hang around with that detective,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42the one with the silly hat.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46What the hell does Bainbridge want with a detective?
0:38:46 > 0:38:48I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51You're not at liberty to say? He's a soldier in my regiment.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55- I'll be damned if he's going to get up to cloak-and-dagger nonsense like this.- Sir!
0:38:55 > 0:38:57- Sir!- What's going on? - It's Bainbridge, sir.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59He's dead.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11My God!
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- Ah!- No, let me take a look, sir, I'm a doctor.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15What?
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Sergeant, arrest this man!
0:39:17 > 0:39:18What? No, no! I'm a doctor!
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Oh, you're a doctor now, too? Sergeant.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Let me examine him, please!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Sir, caught this one snooping around.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Is that what this is all about?
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Distracting me, so that this man could get in here
0:39:27 > 0:39:28- and kill Bainbridge?- Don't be...
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- Kill him with what? Where's the weapon?- What?
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Where's the weapon? Go on, search me - no weapon.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Bainbridge was on parade. He came off duty five minutes ago.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37When's this supposed to have happened?
0:39:37 > 0:39:41- You obviously stabbed him before he got into the shower.- No.- No?!
0:39:41 > 0:39:45He's soaking wet and there's shampoo in his hair. He got into the shower, then someone stabbed him.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48The cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. I had to break it open.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51- You must have climbed over the top. - But then I'd be soaking wet, too, wouldn't I?
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Major, please! I'm John Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers,
0:39:54 > 0:39:57three years in Afghanistan, a veteran of Kandahar, Helmand
0:39:57 > 0:39:59and Bart's bloody Hospital!
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Let me examine this body!
0:40:07 > 0:40:09Thank you.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Suicide?
0:40:11 > 0:40:13No. The weapon again. No knife.
0:40:15 > 0:40:19Now, there is a wound to the abdomen.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22Incredibly fine.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Man stabbed to death, no murder weapon.
0:40:25 > 0:40:26Door locked from the inside.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29- Only one way in or out of here. - Sherlock...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31- Hmm?- He's still breathing.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Oh, my God!
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- What do we do? - Give me your scarf.- What?
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Quickly, now! Call an ambulance!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39- What?- Call an ambulance, now!
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Do it!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Nurse, press here, hard.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45- Nurse?- Yeah, I'm making do.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46Keep pressure on that wound.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49Stephen? Stephen, stay with me.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55He'd stood there for hours, plenty of people watching,
0:40:55 > 0:40:56nothing apparently wrong.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59He came off duty and, within minutes, was nearly dead
0:40:59 > 0:41:01from a wound in his stomach,
0:41:01 > 0:41:02but there was no weapon.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Where did it go?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this -
0:41:06 > 0:41:09a murderer who can walk through walls,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11a weapon that can vanish. But, in all of this,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Would anyone like to make a guess?
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Come on, come on,
0:41:23 > 0:41:26there is actually an element of Q&A to all of this.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Scotland Yard, have you got a theory?
0:41:31 > 0:41:36Yeah, you. You're a detective, broadly speaking. Got a theory?
0:41:36 > 0:41:37Er, um, if the, er...
0:41:37 > 0:41:39If the... If the...
0:41:39 > 0:41:41If the blade was propelled through the, erm...
0:41:43 > 0:41:45..grating in the air vent,
0:41:45 > 0:41:49maybe a ballista or a catapult, um...
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Somebody tiny could crawl in there.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54So, yeah, we're looking for a dwarf.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Brilliant.
0:41:56 > 0:41:57- Really?- No.
0:41:57 > 0:41:58Next?
0:41:58 > 0:41:59(He stabbed himself.)
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Hello, who was that?
0:42:01 > 0:42:03Tom?
0:42:06 > 0:42:07Got a theory?
0:42:09 > 0:42:14Attempted suicide, with a blade made of compacted blood and bone.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16Broke after piercing his abdomen,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19like a meat...
0:42:19 > 0:42:20dagger.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22A meat dagger?
0:42:22 > 0:42:24- Yes.- (Sit down.)
0:42:25 > 0:42:26No.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31There was one feature, and only one feature, of interest
0:42:31 > 0:42:33in the whole of this baffling case,
0:42:33 > 0:42:36and, quite frankly, it was the usual - John Watson,
0:42:36 > 0:42:40who, while I was trying to solve a murder, instead, saved a life.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43There are mysteries worth solving
0:42:43 > 0:42:45and stories worth telling.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48The best and bravest man I know
0:42:48 > 0:42:51and, on top of that, he actually knows how to do stuff.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Except wedding planning and serviettes - he's rubbish at those.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55- Hmm.- The case itself remains
0:42:55 > 0:42:58the most ingenious and brilliantly planned murder, or attempted murder,
0:42:58 > 0:43:01I've ever had the pleasure to encounter.
0:43:01 > 0:43:05The most perfect locked-room mystery of which I am aware.
0:43:05 > 0:43:06However, I'm not just here to praise John,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09I'm also here to embarrass him, so let's move on to...
0:43:09 > 0:43:10No, wait... How was it done?
0:43:10 > 0:43:12- How was what done?- The stabbing?
0:43:14 > 0:43:16I'm afraid I don't know.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18I didn't solve that one.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22It can happen sometimes. It's very, very disappointing.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Embarrassment leads me on to the stag night.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Of course, there's hours of material here,
0:43:26 > 0:43:29but I've cut it down to the really good bits.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Murder scenes?
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Locations of murders?
0:43:35 > 0:43:36Hmm, pub crawl, themed.
0:43:36 > 0:43:39Yeah, but why can't you just do Underground stations?
0:43:39 > 0:43:42It lacks the personal touch. We're going to go for a drink in every...
0:43:42 > 0:43:44In every street where you've found a corpse. Delightful!
0:43:44 > 0:43:46Where do I come in?
0:43:46 > 0:43:48Don't want to get ill. That would ruin it, spoil the mood.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51You're a graduate chemist, can't you just work it out?
0:43:51 > 0:43:53I lack the practical experience.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56Meaning, you think I like a drink?
0:43:56 > 0:43:58- Occasionally. - That I'm a drunk.- No... No.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05You look...well.
0:44:05 > 0:44:06I am.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08How's...
0:44:11 > 0:44:12Tom?
0:44:12 > 0:44:13Not a sociopath.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Still? Good.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17And we're having quite a lot of sex.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23OK. I want you to calculate John's ideal intake, and mine,
0:44:23 > 0:44:25to remain in the sweet spot for the whole evening.
0:44:25 > 0:44:26Light-headed - good.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29Urinating in wardrobes - bad.
0:44:29 > 0:44:30Hmm.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Two, erm...beers, please.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34Pints?
0:44:34 > 0:44:36443.7 millilitres.
0:44:39 > 0:44:40Ah.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45JOHN SIGHS
0:44:45 > 0:44:48HE CLEARS HIS THROAT What, are we on a schedule?
0:44:48 > 0:44:49You'll thank me.
0:45:06 > 0:45:07- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15- Over there.- What?
0:45:15 > 0:45:17Toilets - any second now, you're going to need...
0:45:17 > 0:45:19- Hang on, tell me after. I need the loo.- Hmm, on schedule.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22- Eh?- Nothing. Go!
0:45:27 > 0:45:29- How long?- Sorry?
0:45:29 > 0:45:30Your visit.
0:45:30 > 0:45:34Estimate approximate volume discharge...
0:45:34 > 0:45:35Stop talking now.
0:45:39 > 0:45:43Oh, quick, one more. He mustn't see.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54Here you go. Cheers.
0:45:58 > 0:46:03I know ash! Don't tell me I don't!
0:46:05 > 0:46:09All right, enough! That's... Stand up.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Ash. I know ash.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23I have an international reputation.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Do you have an international reputation?
0:46:27 > 0:46:31- No, I don't have an international reputation.- No.
0:46:34 > 0:46:35And I can't even remember what for.
0:46:39 > 0:46:44It's crime...something or other.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48Oh, what are you doing back?
0:46:48 > 0:46:50I thought you were going to be up late.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Ah, Hudders. What time is it?
0:46:53 > 0:46:55You've only been out two hours.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08Am I a vegetable?
0:47:08 > 0:47:10- You or the...thing...?- Pffrrrt!
0:47:12 > 0:47:13Funny!
0:47:13 > 0:47:14Thank you.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17- Come on.- No, you're not a vegetable.- It's your go.
0:47:19 > 0:47:20Erm...
0:47:20 > 0:47:23am I human?
0:47:23 > 0:47:24Sometimes.
0:47:24 > 0:47:25Can't have sometimes.
0:47:25 > 0:47:26It has to be, um...
0:47:26 > 0:47:30- Yes, you're human. - Yes, I know, OK. And am I a man?
0:47:30 > 0:47:32- Yep.- Tall?
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Not as tall as people think.
0:47:35 > 0:47:36Hmm. Nice?
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Ish.
0:47:38 > 0:47:39Clever?
0:47:39 > 0:47:40I would say so.
0:47:40 > 0:47:41You would.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43Hmm, am I important?
0:47:43 > 0:47:45To some people.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47Do people like me?
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Erm, no, they don't.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52You tend to rub them up the wrong way.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54OK.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56Am I the current King of England?
0:47:56 > 0:47:58JOHN LAUGHS
0:47:58 > 0:48:00You know we don't have a King.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02- Don't we?- No.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04Your go.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13I don't mind. Am I a woman?
0:48:13 > 0:48:15SHERLOCK GUFFAWS
0:48:15 > 0:48:17What?
0:48:18 > 0:48:20Yes.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Am I...pretty?
0:48:24 > 0:48:25This?
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions,
0:48:30 > 0:48:32influences and role models.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
0:48:37 > 0:48:40I don't know who you are. I don't know who you're supposed to be.
0:48:40 > 0:48:41You picked the name!
0:48:41 > 0:48:43But I picked it at random from the papers.
0:48:43 > 0:48:47You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?
0:48:47 > 0:48:51So, I am human, I'm not as tall as people think I am. I'm...
0:48:51 > 0:48:53I'm nice-ish, clever,
0:48:53 > 0:48:55important to some people.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58But I tend to rub them up the wrong way.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Got it.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03- Go on, then.- I'm you, aren't I?
0:49:03 > 0:49:05- KNOCK AT DOOR - Client!
0:49:05 > 0:49:07Hello.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09- Hello.- Come on.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes?
0:49:16 > 0:49:18I don't...a lot.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21I mean, I don't date all that much.
0:49:21 > 0:49:26And he seemed nice, you know?
0:49:26 > 0:49:29We seemed to automatically connect.
0:49:29 > 0:49:30We had one night,
0:49:30 > 0:49:34dinner, such interesting conversation.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36It was lovely.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38To be honest,
0:49:38 > 0:49:41I'd love to have gone further,
0:49:41 > 0:49:45but I thought, no, this is special,
0:49:45 > 0:49:47let's take it slowly.
0:49:47 > 0:49:48Exchanged numbers,
0:49:48 > 0:49:51he said he'd get in touch and then...
0:49:54 > 0:50:00Maybe he wasn't quite as keen as I was,
0:50:00 > 0:50:03but I just thought
0:50:03 > 0:50:06at least he'd call to say that we were finished.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16I went round there,
0:50:16 > 0:50:19to his flat, no trace of him.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23Mr Holmes, I honestly think
0:50:23 > 0:50:27I had dinner with a ghost.
0:50:31 > 0:50:33Mr Holmes?
0:50:38 > 0:50:40With a ghost, Mr Holmes!
0:50:40 > 0:50:43Boring, boring, boring. No...
0:50:43 > 0:50:45fascinating.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48John. John! Wake up.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51I apologise about my... You know... Him.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53Rude. Rude!
0:50:54 > 0:50:56I checked with the landlord
0:50:56 > 0:51:00and the man who lived there died.
0:51:00 > 0:51:01Heart attack.
0:51:01 > 0:51:05And there we are having dinner one week on.
0:51:05 > 0:51:09And I found this thing online,
0:51:09 > 0:51:11a sort of chatroom thing,
0:51:11 > 0:51:16for girls who think they're dating men from the spirit world.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19Don't worry, I'll find him in ten minutes.
0:51:19 > 0:51:20What's your dog's name?
0:51:20 > 0:51:23- Yeah, I'm there if you want it... - John, wake up.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25- Went to...- Yeah.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27The game is...something.
0:51:28 > 0:51:29On?
0:51:29 > 0:51:31Yeah, that, that.
0:51:31 > 0:51:32OK.
0:51:41 > 0:51:43Oh, it's nice.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45Nice place.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52- See anything?- Hmm?
0:51:52 > 0:51:54Any clues, Mr Holmes?
0:51:54 > 0:51:56Oh, errrm...
0:52:17 > 0:52:19I'm just going to whip this out.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39- You all right? - Hmm? Yeah, he's clueing.- What?
0:52:39 > 0:52:41He's... Hmm? He's clueing for looks.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54Mr Holmes?
0:52:54 > 0:52:57HE SNORES
0:52:59 > 0:53:02- Mr Holmes! - I'm calling the police.- Oh, no...
0:53:02 > 0:53:03Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:53:03 > 0:53:05No, look, this is a famous detective.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08It's Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10What do you think you're doing?
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Don't compromise
0:53:12 > 0:53:14the integrity of the...
0:53:14 > 0:53:18HE VOMITS
0:53:20 > 0:53:21Crime scene.
0:53:27 > 0:53:29Yeah, that.
0:53:49 > 0:53:50- CELL DOOR SLAMS OPEN - Wakey-wakey!
0:53:50 > 0:53:52Oh, my God.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54Greg... Is that Greg?
0:53:54 > 0:53:56Get up. I'm going to put you two in a taxi.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59I managed to square things with the desk sergeant.
0:53:59 > 0:54:01Ha! What a couple of lightweights -
0:54:01 > 0:54:03you couldn't even make it to closing time!
0:54:03 > 0:54:06- Can you whisper? HE SHOUTS:- Not really!
0:54:09 > 0:54:10Come on.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26Well, thanks for a...
0:54:26 > 0:54:28You know...an evening.
0:54:28 > 0:54:29It was awful.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32Yeah. I was going to pretend, but...
0:54:32 > 0:54:34it was, truly.
0:54:34 > 0:54:35That woman, Tessa...
0:54:35 > 0:54:36What?
0:54:36 > 0:54:39Dated a ghost, most interesting case for months.
0:54:39 > 0:54:40What a wasted opportunity!
0:54:42 > 0:54:43OK.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51How are you feeling?
0:54:51 > 0:54:52Hmm.
0:54:53 > 0:54:56It's just like old times, having you back here.
0:54:56 > 0:55:00I thought I'd make your favourite, one last time.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03Oh. Don't sound so final about it,
0:55:03 > 0:55:06- I will be visiting, you know. - Ooh, I've heard that one before!
0:55:06 > 0:55:08No, it's different now, though, isn't it?
0:55:08 > 0:55:10It's different to when we thought we'd lost him.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12Well, marriage changes everything, John.
0:55:12 > 0:55:16- Does it?- Yeah. You might not think it, but it does.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18It's a different phase in your life.
0:55:18 > 0:55:19You meet new people,
0:55:19 > 0:55:21cos you're a couple,
0:55:21 > 0:55:25and then you just let your old friends slip away.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28- It won't be like that. - Well, if you've found the right one,
0:55:28 > 0:55:31the person that you click with, it's the best thing in the world.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34- Well, I have. I know I have. - Oh, I'm sure.
0:55:34 > 0:55:35She's lovely.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38Yeah, I think so. What about you?
0:55:38 > 0:55:39Me?
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Did you think you'd found the right one, when you married Mr Hudson?
0:55:42 > 0:55:45No. It was just a whirlwind thing for us.
0:55:45 > 0:55:49- I knew it wouldn't work, but I just got, sort of, swept along.- Right.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51And then we moved to Florida.
0:55:51 > 0:55:52We had a fantastic time,
0:55:52 > 0:55:56but of course, I didn't know what he was up to. (The drugs.)
0:55:56 > 0:55:58- Drugs?!- He was running, erm...
0:55:58 > 0:56:00Oh, what do you call it?
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Erm... A...
0:56:02 > 0:56:04cartel.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06And got in with a really bad crowd.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09- Right.- And then I found out about all the other women.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11I didn't have a clue.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15So, when he was actually arrested for blowing someone's head off,
0:56:15 > 0:56:19it was quite a relief, to be honest.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22Oh.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25It was purely physical between me and Frank.
0:56:25 > 0:56:27We couldn't keep our hands off each other.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30I know. There was one night...
0:56:30 > 0:56:32FAINT FOOTSTEPS Oh, is that Sherlock?
0:56:32 > 0:56:33Is it?
0:56:33 > 0:56:36FAINT FOOTSTEPS That's Sherlock.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Urgh...
0:56:55 > 0:56:56There are going to be others.
0:56:56 > 0:56:59- Others?- Victims, women.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02Most ghosts tend to haunt a single house.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04This ghost, however, is willing to commute. Look.
0:57:26 > 0:57:27Hmm...
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Not you. Not you.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you.
0:57:31 > 0:57:33Not you. Not you.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35Not you.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37Not you. Not you.
0:57:37 > 0:57:38Hmm...
0:57:38 > 0:57:40Not you.
0:57:40 > 0:57:43Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you.
0:57:46 > 0:57:47Not you, you, you, or you, or you.
0:57:47 > 0:57:51Or not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you.
0:57:51 > 0:57:52Not you.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54Not you.
0:58:00 > 0:58:02Hi.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04Gail.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Charlotte.
0:58:12 > 0:58:14Robyn.
0:58:17 > 0:58:19Vicky.
0:58:26 > 0:58:28How did you meet?
0:58:28 > 0:58:30- Came up to me in a pub. - Same gym as me.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33We just got chatting on the bus.
0:58:33 > 0:58:34Online.
0:58:34 > 0:58:35- Name?- Told you.
0:58:35 > 0:58:37- His name.- Oscar.
0:58:37 > 0:58:39- Mike.- Terry.
0:58:39 > 0:58:42Erm...Love Monkey.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44Your place?
0:58:44 > 0:58:45ALL: His place.
0:58:46 > 0:58:47Address?
0:58:47 > 0:58:52THEY ALL GIVE DIFFERENT ADDRESSES
0:58:52 > 0:58:53Nothing happened.
0:58:53 > 0:58:56It was just...very romantic.
0:58:56 > 0:58:58Four women in four nights. He must have something special.
0:58:58 > 0:59:00- He was very charming.- He listened.
0:59:00 > 0:59:01He was sweet.
0:59:01 > 0:59:03He had a lovely...
0:59:03 > 0:59:05You OK?
0:59:05 > 0:59:08You've let your food go cold. Mrs Hudson will play hell.
0:59:08 > 0:59:10Not now, John.
0:59:13 > 0:59:15Sorry about that.
0:59:15 > 0:59:17He had a lovely manner.
0:59:17 > 0:59:20Different names, different addresses.
0:59:20 > 0:59:21Describe him.
0:59:21 > 0:59:22Short blond hair.
0:59:22 > 0:59:23Dark hair. Long.
0:59:23 > 0:59:25Ginger. I like gingers.
0:59:25 > 0:59:26Couldn't tell.
0:59:26 > 0:59:28He had a mask on.
0:59:30 > 0:59:32He's stealing the identity of corpses,
0:59:32 > 0:59:36getting their names from the obituary columns.
0:59:36 > 0:59:37All single men.
0:59:37 > 0:59:38He's using the dead man's flat,
0:59:38 > 0:59:41under the assumption it will be empty for a while.
0:59:41 > 0:59:42Free love nest.
0:59:42 > 0:59:44- I feel sick.- It's gruesome.
0:59:44 > 0:59:46- That's awful.- Clever...
0:59:46 > 0:59:47Bastard!
0:59:51 > 0:59:54Hello, Tessa.
0:59:54 > 0:59:55Meanwhile, back to business.
0:59:55 > 0:59:57No-one wants to use a dead man's home.
0:59:58 > 1:00:00At least, not until it's been cleared.
1:00:00 > 1:00:03So, he disguises himself.
1:00:03 > 1:00:06Steals the man's home, steals his identity.
1:00:06 > 1:00:09But only for one night. Then, he's gone.
1:00:09 > 1:00:11He's not a ghost, John. He's a Mayfly.
1:00:11 > 1:00:13He lives for a day.
1:00:14 > 1:00:18So, what was it he was looking for?
1:00:18 > 1:00:19Job?
1:00:19 > 1:00:20- Gardener.- Cook.
1:00:20 > 1:00:22- Private nurse.- I do security work.
1:00:22 > 1:00:23Maid.
1:00:24 > 1:00:26Obvious. You all work for the same person.
1:00:41 > 1:00:43No, no, not the same employer. Damn!
1:00:43 > 1:00:44Come on, we can do this.
1:00:44 > 1:00:46Ideal night out?
1:00:46 > 1:00:47Clay-pigeon shooting.
1:00:47 > 1:00:48Line dancing.
1:00:48 > 1:00:49Pictures.
1:00:49 > 1:00:51Wine in front of the telly.
1:00:51 > 1:00:53Dungeon.
1:00:54 > 1:00:55- Make-up?- Clarins.
1:00:55 > 1:00:57No7.
1:00:57 > 1:00:59- Maybelline.- Nothing special.
1:00:59 > 1:01:00Whatever's cheap.
1:01:00 > 1:01:02Perfume?
1:01:02 > 1:01:04- Chanel.- Chanel.- Chanel.
1:01:04 > 1:01:06- Chanel.- Estee Lauder.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09Ideal man?
1:01:09 > 1:01:10George Clooney.
1:01:10 > 1:01:12- Oh...!- Home-loving.
1:01:12 > 1:01:13He'd have to like cuddling.
1:01:13 > 1:01:16- Caring.- Ten things.
1:01:16 > 1:01:18One - someone who isn't competitive with other men.
1:01:18 > 1:01:20Two - someone who isn't constantly
1:01:20 > 1:01:24trying to define himself by his masculinity...
1:01:24 > 1:01:26There's a unifying factor,
1:01:26 > 1:01:28there has to be.
1:01:28 > 1:01:30None of you reported anything stolen.
1:01:32 > 1:01:36Security guard, gardener, cook, maid, private nurse.
1:01:36 > 1:01:37He's romancing his way up a pecking order.
1:01:37 > 1:01:40Somebody's pecking order. Come on, think. Unless...
1:01:42 > 1:01:44Do you have a secret you've never told anyone?
1:01:44 > 1:01:45ALL: No.
1:01:45 > 1:01:47- Gotcha!- What do you mean?
1:01:47 > 1:01:49Everyone has secrets and they all replied too quickly.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52- Got to go.- See you. - No... Wait!- Bye-bye.- Wait!
1:01:52 > 1:01:55Sorry, Sexy, some secrets have to stay secret.
1:01:55 > 1:01:57Enjoy the wedding.
1:01:59 > 1:02:03Why? WHY would he date all of those women and not return their calls?
1:02:03 > 1:02:05- You're missing the obvious, mate. - Am I?
1:02:05 > 1:02:07He's a man.
1:02:07 > 1:02:09But why would he change his identity?
1:02:09 > 1:02:10Maybe he's married.
1:02:12 > 1:02:13Oh...
1:02:13 > 1:02:15Married.
1:02:15 > 1:02:16Obvious, really.
1:02:16 > 1:02:18Our Mayfly Man was trying to escape
1:02:18 > 1:02:20the suffocating chains of domesticity
1:02:20 > 1:02:22and, instead of endless nights in watching the telly
1:02:22 > 1:02:25or going to barbecues with the awful, dreadful, boring people he couldn't stand,
1:02:25 > 1:02:29he used his wits, cleverness and powers of disguise to play the field. He was...
1:02:32 > 1:02:33On second thoughts,
1:02:33 > 1:02:36I probably should have told you about the elephant in the room.
1:02:36 > 1:02:39However, it does help to further illustrate
1:02:39 > 1:02:41how invaluable John is to me.
1:02:41 > 1:02:44I can read a crime scene the way he can understand a human being.
1:02:44 > 1:02:47I used to think that's what made me special. Quite frankly, I still do.
1:02:47 > 1:02:49But a word to the wise,
1:02:49 > 1:02:52should any of you require the services of either of us,
1:02:52 > 1:02:53I will solve your murder,
1:02:53 > 1:02:56but it takes John Watson to save your life.
1:02:56 > 1:02:58Trust me on that, I should know.
1:02:58 > 1:03:00He's saved mine so many times and in so many ways.
1:03:02 > 1:03:06This blog is the story of two men
1:03:06 > 1:03:10and their, frankly, ridiculous adventures
1:03:10 > 1:03:13of murder, mystery and mayhem.
1:03:14 > 1:03:17But from now on, there's a new story.
1:03:19 > 1:03:21A bigger adventure.
1:03:22 > 1:03:24Ladies and gentlemen,
1:03:24 > 1:03:28pray, charge your glasses and be upstanding.
1:03:28 > 1:03:30Today begin the adventures
1:03:30 > 1:03:32of Mary Elizabeth Watson
1:03:32 > 1:03:34and John Hamish Watson.
1:03:34 > 1:03:38The two reasons why every single one of us is...
1:03:56 > 1:03:57What did you say?
1:03:57 > 1:04:00You said...
1:04:00 > 1:04:04"John Hamish Watson."
1:04:04 > 1:04:06You said that. You said "Hamish."
1:04:07 > 1:04:10This is a famous detective, it's Sherlock Holmes
1:04:10 > 1:04:11and his partner, John Hamish Watson.
1:04:11 > 1:04:13How did you know?
1:04:13 > 1:04:15How did YOU know his middle name?
1:04:15 > 1:04:18He never tells anyone, he hates it.
1:04:22 > 1:04:24John "H" Watson?
1:04:24 > 1:04:25Yep.
1:04:32 > 1:04:34- Henry?- Shut up.
1:04:34 > 1:04:35Humphrey?
1:04:35 > 1:04:37Shut up.
1:04:37 > 1:04:40- SHOWER RUNS - Higgins?
1:04:40 > 1:04:42'Go away!'
1:04:42 > 1:04:45It took him years to confide in me.
1:04:45 > 1:04:47Oh...
1:04:47 > 1:04:49That's my birth certificate.
1:04:49 > 1:04:50Yep.
1:04:55 > 1:04:57And the woman - she knew.
1:04:59 > 1:05:01Hamish.
1:05:01 > 1:05:02HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
1:05:02 > 1:05:04John Hamish Watson,
1:05:04 > 1:05:07just if you were looking for baby names.
1:05:07 > 1:05:09God knows where she is.
1:05:13 > 1:05:15Out of my head, I am busy!
1:05:17 > 1:05:19There's only one time that name's been made public.
1:05:19 > 1:05:21Does it have to be on the invitation?
1:05:21 > 1:05:23It's your name.
1:05:23 > 1:05:25- It's traditional...- It's funny...
1:05:28 > 1:05:30'Enjoy the wedding...'
1:05:34 > 1:05:36Enjoy the wedding.
1:05:36 > 1:05:38The wedding. You knew about the wedding.
1:05:38 > 1:05:40More importantly, you'd seen a wedding invitation.
1:05:40 > 1:05:42Now, barely 100 people had seen that invitation.
1:05:42 > 1:05:45The Mayfly Man only saw five women.
1:05:45 > 1:05:47For one person to be in both groups...
1:05:47 > 1:05:48could be a coincidence.
1:05:48 > 1:05:50Oh, Sherlock!
1:05:50 > 1:05:53What do we say about coincidences?
1:05:53 > 1:05:54The universe is rarely so lazy.
1:05:54 > 1:05:57- So, the balance of probability is? - Someone went to great lengths
1:05:57 > 1:06:01- to find out something about this wedding.- What great lengths? - They lied. Assumed false identities.
1:06:01 > 1:06:04- Which suggests?- Criminal intent.
1:06:04 > 1:06:05Also suggests?
1:06:05 > 1:06:06Intelligence, planning.
1:06:06 > 1:06:08Clearly. But more importantly?
1:06:10 > 1:06:12The Mayfly Man.
1:06:12 > 1:06:14The Mayfly Man is...
1:06:14 > 1:06:16Here today!
1:06:16 > 1:06:19Ooh, sorry. I...
1:06:20 > 1:06:21Another glass, sir?
1:06:21 > 1:06:23Thank you, yes, thank you. Yes.
1:06:23 > 1:06:26Something's going to happen, right here.
1:06:29 > 1:06:30Now, where were we?
1:06:30 > 1:06:31Could be any second.
1:06:35 > 1:06:36You have control of the room.
1:06:36 > 1:06:38Ah, yes.
1:06:38 > 1:06:41Raising glasses and standing up. Very good. Thank you.
1:06:41 > 1:06:42Don't lose it.
1:06:42 > 1:06:45And down again.
1:06:53 > 1:06:54Ladies and gentlemen,
1:06:54 > 1:06:56people tell you not to milk a good speech.
1:06:56 > 1:06:58Get off early, leave 'em laughing.
1:07:00 > 1:07:03Wise advice I'll certainly try to bear in mind.
1:07:03 > 1:07:04But for now...
1:07:04 > 1:07:06part two!
1:07:06 > 1:07:08Part two is more action-based.
1:07:08 > 1:07:12I'm going to walk around, shake things up a bit.
1:07:12 > 1:07:15Who'd go to a wedding? That's the question.
1:07:15 > 1:07:17Who would bother to go to any lengths
1:07:17 > 1:07:19to get themselves to a wedding?
1:07:21 > 1:07:22Well, everyone.
1:07:22 > 1:07:25- Weddings are great, love a wedding. - What's he doing?
1:07:25 > 1:07:26Something's wrong.
1:07:26 > 1:07:28And John's great, too.
1:07:28 > 1:07:31Haven't said that enough, barely scratched the surface.
1:07:31 > 1:07:32I could go on all night
1:07:32 > 1:07:36about the depth and complexity of his jumpers.
1:07:36 > 1:07:39And he can cook.
1:07:39 > 1:07:42Does...erm...a thing. A thing with peas...
1:07:43 > 1:07:46Once. Might not be peas, might not be him.
1:07:46 > 1:07:49But he's got a great singing voice - or somebody does.
1:07:49 > 1:07:51Too many, too many, too many, too many!
1:07:52 > 1:07:55Sorry, too many jokes about John.
1:07:55 > 1:07:58- Now...- Criminal intent.
1:07:58 > 1:08:00Where was I? Ah, yes.
1:08:00 > 1:08:02Extraordinary lengths.
1:08:02 > 1:08:03Speech. Speech.
1:08:03 > 1:08:05Let's talk about...
1:08:05 > 1:08:08All of which is suggestive of...
1:08:09 > 1:08:11Murder! Sorry, did I say murder?
1:08:11 > 1:08:13I meant to say marriage.
1:08:13 > 1:08:15But, you know, they're quite similar procedures,
1:08:15 > 1:08:17when you think about it.
1:08:17 > 1:08:19The participants tend to know each other
1:08:19 > 1:08:20and it's over when one of them's dead.
1:08:20 > 1:08:24In fairness, murder is a lot quicker though. Janine, what about this one?
1:08:24 > 1:08:28Acceptably hot? More importantly, his girlfriend's wearing new uncomfortable underwear
1:08:28 > 1:08:32and hasn't bothered to pick this thread off his jacket, or point out the grease smudge on his neck.
1:08:32 > 1:08:35He's going home alone. Also he's a comics and sci-fi geek,
1:08:35 > 1:08:38they're always tremendously grateful, really put the hours in.
1:08:38 > 1:08:39Jeff, the gents.
1:08:39 > 1:08:40Loos now, please.
1:08:40 > 1:08:43- Greg.- The loos, please.- Why?
1:08:43 > 1:08:46Oh, I don't know, maybe it's your TURN.
1:08:47 > 1:08:48Yeah, actually, now you mention it.
1:08:48 > 1:08:51Sherlock, any chance of a... An end date for this speech?
1:08:51 > 1:08:52Got to cut the cake.
1:08:52 > 1:08:55Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
1:08:55 > 1:08:57can't stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once.
1:08:57 > 1:08:59Vatican cameos.
1:08:59 > 1:09:01What did he say? What does that mean?
1:09:01 > 1:09:03Battle stations. Someone's going to die.
1:09:03 > 1:09:04What?!
1:09:05 > 1:09:08Narrow it down. Narrow it down.
1:09:09 > 1:09:11Narrow it down!
1:09:11 > 1:09:12Argh! No, no!
1:09:12 > 1:09:14Not you!
1:09:14 > 1:09:15Not you!
1:09:16 > 1:09:19You. It's always you.
1:09:19 > 1:09:22John Watson, you keep me right.
1:09:24 > 1:09:25What do I do?
1:09:25 > 1:09:27You've already done it.
1:09:27 > 1:09:29Don't solve the murder.
1:09:29 > 1:09:30Save the life.
1:09:30 > 1:09:33Sorry, off piste a bit.
1:09:33 > 1:09:34Back now. Phew!
1:09:34 > 1:09:37Let's play a game. Let's play murder.
1:09:38 > 1:09:39Sherlock!
1:09:39 > 1:09:42Imagine someone's going to get murdered at a wedding.
1:09:42 > 1:09:45Who exactly would you pick?
1:09:45 > 1:09:47You're a popular choice at the moment, dear.
1:09:47 > 1:09:51If someone could move Mrs Hudson's glass just slightly out of reach, that would be lovely.
1:09:51 > 1:09:55More importantly, who could you ONLY kill at a wedding?
1:09:56 > 1:09:58Most people, you can kill any old place.
1:09:58 > 1:09:59As a mental exercise,
1:09:59 > 1:10:01I've often planned the murder of friends and colleagues.
1:10:01 > 1:10:02Now, John, I'd poison.
1:10:02 > 1:10:06Sloppy eater, dead easy. I've given him chemicals and compounds.
1:10:06 > 1:10:07That way, he's never even noticed.
1:10:07 > 1:10:09He missed a whole Wednesday once, didn't have a clue.
1:10:09 > 1:10:13Lestrade's so easy to kill, it's a miracle no-one's succumbed to the temptation.
1:10:13 > 1:10:17I've got keys to my brother's house, I could break in and asphyxiate him, if the whim arose.
1:10:17 > 1:10:19He's pissed, isn't he? Ow!
1:10:19 > 1:10:20So, once again,
1:10:20 > 1:10:23who could you only kill here?
1:10:23 > 1:10:24Clearly, it's a rare opportunity,
1:10:24 > 1:10:26so it's someone who doesn't get out much.
1:10:26 > 1:10:28Someone for whom a planned social encounter,
1:10:28 > 1:10:30known about months in advance, is an exception.
1:10:30 > 1:10:32Has to be a unique opportunity.
1:10:33 > 1:10:36And since killing someone in public is difficult,
1:10:36 > 1:10:38killing them in private isn't an option.
1:10:38 > 1:10:41Someone who lives in an inaccessible or unknown location, then.
1:10:41 > 1:10:43Someone private, perhaps,
1:10:43 > 1:10:45obsessed with personal security.
1:10:46 > 1:10:48Possibly, someone under threat.
1:10:53 > 1:10:55- Major James Sholto, who he? - I don't think he's coming.
1:10:55 > 1:10:56He'll be there.
1:10:56 > 1:10:58Where are you living these days?
1:10:58 > 1:11:00Oh, way out in the middle of nowhere.
1:11:00 > 1:11:02The press and families gave him hell.
1:11:02 > 1:11:04He gets more death threats than you.
1:11:05 > 1:11:07A recluse?
1:11:07 > 1:11:09Small household staff.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11- Job?- Gardener.- Cook. - Private nurse.- Maid.
1:11:11 > 1:11:13High turnover for additional security.
1:11:13 > 1:11:16- I do security work.- Probably all signed confidentiality agreements.
1:11:16 > 1:11:19- Do you have a secret you've never told anyone? - ALL: No.
1:11:19 > 1:11:21There is another question that remains. Rather a big one,
1:11:21 > 1:11:24a huge one - how would you do it? How do you kill someone in public?
1:11:24 > 1:11:26There has to be a way. This has been planned.
1:11:26 > 1:11:28- Mr Holmes!- Hello, Archie, what's your theory?
1:11:28 > 1:11:30Get this right and there's a headless nun in it for you.
1:11:30 > 1:11:33- The invisible man could do it. - The who, what, why, when, where?
1:11:33 > 1:11:38The invisible man with the invisible knife. The one who tried to kill the Guardsman.
1:11:54 > 1:11:55Bainbridge?
1:11:55 > 1:11:57Bainbridge!
1:12:04 > 1:12:08(Oh, not just planned - planned and rehearsed.)
1:12:08 > 1:12:10Ladies and gentlemen,
1:12:10 > 1:12:11there will now be a short interlude.
1:12:11 > 1:12:13The bride and groom...
1:12:16 > 1:12:18- ALL:- The bride and groom.
1:12:18 > 1:12:22Major Sholto's going to be murdered. I don't know how or by whom, but it's going to happen.
1:12:22 > 1:12:24Excuse me, coming through. Consulting.
1:12:24 > 1:12:29- Stay here.- Please be careful. - Excuse me. Coming through.
1:12:29 > 1:12:31Excuse me.
1:12:31 > 1:12:34I'm sorry, one more. Oops. I'm so sorry.
1:12:34 > 1:12:35Thank you.
1:13:00 > 1:13:03How can you not remember which room? You remember everything.
1:13:03 > 1:13:06- I have to delete something!- 207.
1:13:12 > 1:13:16Major Sholto? Major Sholto!
1:13:17 > 1:13:21- Major Sholto!- If someone's about to make an attempt on my life,
1:13:21 > 1:13:23it won't be the first time. I'm ready.
1:13:23 > 1:13:25- Major, let us in. - Kick the door down.
1:13:25 > 1:13:27I really wouldn't.
1:13:27 > 1:13:31I have a gun in my hand and a lifetime of unfortunate reflexes.
1:13:31 > 1:13:34You're not safe in there. Whoever's after you, we know a locked room doesn't stop him.
1:13:34 > 1:13:36The invisible man with the invisible knife.
1:13:36 > 1:13:40- I don't know how he does it. I can't stop him and that means he'll do it again!- Solve it, then!
1:13:40 > 1:13:42I'm sorry?
1:13:42 > 1:13:45You're the famous Mr Holmes. Solve the case, on you go.
1:13:45 > 1:13:48Tell me how he did it and I'll open the door.
1:13:48 > 1:13:50Please, this is no time for games,
1:13:50 > 1:13:52just let us in, you're in danger!
1:13:52 > 1:13:53So are you, so long as you're here.
1:13:53 > 1:13:56Please, leave me.
1:13:56 > 1:14:00Despite my reputation, I really don't approve of collateral damage.
1:14:00 > 1:14:03- Solve it.- Sorry?- Solve it and he'll open the door, like he said.
1:14:03 > 1:14:06- I couldn't solve it before, how can I solve it now? - Because it matters now.
1:14:06 > 1:14:09- What are you talking about? Get your wife under control!- She's right.
1:14:09 > 1:14:11- Oh, you've changed! - No, she is. Shut up!
1:14:11 > 1:14:13You are not a puzzle-solver, you never have been.
1:14:13 > 1:14:14You're a drama queen!
1:14:14 > 1:14:18Now, there's a man in there about to die, the game is on - solve it!
1:14:34 > 1:14:35Bainbridge?
1:14:37 > 1:14:39Bainbridge!
1:14:42 > 1:14:45- Though in fairness, he's a drama queen, too.- I know.
1:14:45 > 1:14:47Major Sholto, no-one's coming to kill you.
1:14:47 > 1:14:50I'm afraid you've already been killed several hours ago.
1:14:50 > 1:14:51What did you say?
1:14:51 > 1:14:52Don't take off your belt.
1:14:52 > 1:14:54My belt?
1:14:54 > 1:14:55His belt, yes.
1:14:55 > 1:14:57Bainbridge was stabbed hours before we even saw him,
1:14:57 > 1:14:59but it was through his belt.
1:14:59 > 1:15:00Tight belt, worn high on the waist.
1:15:00 > 1:15:03Very easy to push a small blade through the fabric
1:15:03 > 1:15:04and you wouldn't even feel it.
1:15:04 > 1:15:07The belt would bind the flesh together when it was tied tight.
1:15:07 > 1:15:09- Exactly.- But when you took it off... - Delayed-action stabbing.
1:15:09 > 1:15:12All the time in the world to create an alibi. Major Sholto?
1:15:12 > 1:15:14So...
1:15:16 > 1:15:20I was to be killed by my uniform.
1:15:20 > 1:15:22How appropriate.
1:15:24 > 1:15:26He solved the case, Major,
1:15:26 > 1:15:29you're supposed to open the door now. A deal is a deal.
1:15:29 > 1:15:31I'm not even supposed to have this any more.
1:15:31 > 1:15:33They gave me special dispensation to keep it.
1:15:33 > 1:15:35I couldn't imagine life out of this uniform.
1:15:35 > 1:15:38I suppose, given the circumstances, I don't have to.
1:15:41 > 1:15:42When so many want you dead,
1:15:42 > 1:15:44it hardly seems good manners to argue.
1:15:49 > 1:15:53Whatever you're doing in there, James, stop it, right now!
1:15:53 > 1:15:54I will kick this door down!
1:15:54 > 1:15:57Mr Holmes, you and I are similar, I think.
1:15:57 > 1:16:00- Yes, I think we are.- There's a proper time to die, isn't there?
1:16:00 > 1:16:02Of course there is.
1:16:02 > 1:16:05And one should embrace it when it comes.
1:16:05 > 1:16:06Like a soldier.
1:16:06 > 1:16:09Of course one should, but not at John's wedding!
1:16:11 > 1:16:13We wouldn't do that, would we,
1:16:13 > 1:16:15you and me?
1:16:15 > 1:16:18We would never do that to John Watson.
1:16:23 > 1:16:25I'm going to break it down.
1:16:25 > 1:16:27Wait, wait, wait, you won't have to.
1:16:33 > 1:16:36I believe I am in need of medical attention.
1:16:36 > 1:16:38I believe I'm your doctor.
1:16:54 > 1:16:56Pretty good.
1:16:56 > 1:16:58Just hold your nerve on your turning.
1:16:58 > 1:17:00Why do we have to rehearse?
1:17:00 > 1:17:02Because we are about to dance together in public
1:17:02 > 1:17:04and your skills are appalling.
1:17:04 > 1:17:05SHE LAUGHS
1:17:05 > 1:17:07- Wow, you're a good teacher.- Hmm.
1:17:07 > 1:17:09And you're a brilliant dancer.
1:17:09 > 1:17:11Can I let you in on something, Janine?
1:17:11 > 1:17:12Go on, then.
1:17:12 > 1:17:15I love dancing, I've always loved it.
1:17:15 > 1:17:16Seriously?
1:17:16 > 1:17:17Watch out.
1:17:21 > 1:17:23Oh!
1:17:23 > 1:17:26Never really comes up in crime work, but, you know,
1:17:26 > 1:17:28- I live in hope of the right case. - Oh, I wish you weren't...
1:17:28 > 1:17:32whatever it is you are.
1:17:32 > 1:17:34- I know.- Well, glad to see you've pulled, Sherlock,
1:17:34 > 1:17:37what with murderers running riot at my wedding.
1:17:37 > 1:17:39One murderer... One nearly murderer.
1:17:39 > 1:17:41Loves to exaggerate - you should try living with him.
1:17:41 > 1:17:43Sherlock.
1:17:43 > 1:17:44Got him for you.
1:17:44 > 1:17:48Ah, the photographer, excellent. Thank you.
1:17:48 > 1:17:50May I have a look at your camera?
1:17:50 > 1:17:53Erm, what's this about? I was halfway home.
1:17:53 > 1:17:55You should have driven faster.
1:17:56 > 1:17:58Ah, yes. Yes!
1:17:58 > 1:18:00Very good.
1:18:00 > 1:18:02Now you see... Perfect.
1:18:02 > 1:18:05What is? Are you going to tell us?
1:18:05 > 1:18:06Try looking yourself.
1:18:08 > 1:18:11Look for what? Is the murderer in these photographs?
1:18:11 > 1:18:13It's not what's in the photographs,
1:18:13 > 1:18:15it's what's not in them. Not in any of them.
1:18:15 > 1:18:16Sherlock?
1:18:16 > 1:18:19The showing-off thing, we've discussed it before...
1:18:20 > 1:18:24There is always a man at a wedding who is not in any photograph,
1:18:24 > 1:18:26who can go anywhere.
1:18:26 > 1:18:29And even carry an equipment bag around with him if he likes.
1:18:29 > 1:18:31And you never even see his face.
1:18:31 > 1:18:32You only ever see...
1:18:41 > 1:18:42The camera.
1:18:42 > 1:18:44What are you doing? What is this?
1:18:44 > 1:18:46Jonathan Small, today's substitute wedding photographer,
1:18:46 > 1:18:48known to us as The Mayfly Man.
1:18:48 > 1:18:53His brother was one of the raw recruits killed in that incursion.
1:18:53 > 1:18:55Johnny sought revenge on Sholto,
1:18:55 > 1:18:57worked his way through Sholto's staff,
1:18:57 > 1:18:59found what he needed.
1:18:59 > 1:19:01An invitation to a wedding.
1:19:01 > 1:19:04The one time Sholto would have to be out in public.
1:19:04 > 1:19:08So he made his plan and rehearsed the murder,
1:19:08 > 1:19:12making sure of every last detail.
1:19:24 > 1:19:25Brilliant, ruthless,
1:19:25 > 1:19:27and, almost certainly, a monomaniac.
1:19:27 > 1:19:30Though, in fairness, his photographs are actually quite good.
1:19:30 > 1:19:32Everything you need is on that.
1:19:32 > 1:19:35You probably ought to arrest him or something.
1:19:35 > 1:19:37Do you always carry handcuffs?
1:19:37 > 1:19:39- Down, girl.- Come on, quick.
1:19:39 > 1:19:42It's not me you should be arresting, Mr Holmes.
1:19:42 > 1:19:44Oh, I don't do the arresting. I just farm that out.
1:19:44 > 1:19:46Sholto, he's the killer, not me.
1:19:46 > 1:19:49I should have killed him quicker.
1:19:51 > 1:19:53I shouldn't have tried to be clever.
1:19:54 > 1:19:56You should have driven faster.
1:20:06 > 1:20:07Right.
1:20:09 > 1:20:12SOLO VIOLIN PLAYS
1:21:15 > 1:21:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1:21:25 > 1:21:28Ladies and gentlemen, just one last thing
1:21:28 > 1:21:30before the evening begins properly.
1:21:30 > 1:21:33Apologies for earlier. A crisis arose and was dealt with.
1:21:33 > 1:21:35More importantly, however,
1:21:35 > 1:21:37today we saw two people make vows.
1:21:37 > 1:21:39I've never made a vow in my life
1:21:39 > 1:21:40and, after tonight, I never will again.
1:21:40 > 1:21:43So, here in front of you all,
1:21:43 > 1:21:44my first and last vow.
1:21:45 > 1:21:47Mary and John,
1:21:47 > 1:21:49whatever it takes,
1:21:49 > 1:21:51whatever happens,
1:21:51 > 1:21:53from now on,
1:21:53 > 1:21:55I swear I will always be there.
1:21:55 > 1:21:57Always.
1:21:57 > 1:21:58For all three of you.
1:21:58 > 1:22:00Erm... Sorry, I mean... I mean, two of you.
1:22:00 > 1:22:03All two of you. Both of you, in fact. I just miscounted.
1:22:03 > 1:22:05Anyway, it's time for dancing.
1:22:05 > 1:22:07Play the music again, please. Thank you.
1:22:07 > 1:22:09OK, everybody, just dance, don't be shy.
1:22:09 > 1:22:11Dancing, please. Very good.
1:22:11 > 1:22:14Sorry, that was one more deduction than I was really expecting.
1:22:14 > 1:22:15- Deduction?- Increased appetite...
1:22:15 > 1:22:17- I'm starving. - Change of taste perception.
1:22:17 > 1:22:19Oh, I chose this wine, but it's bloody awful!
1:22:19 > 1:22:21You were sick this morning.
1:22:21 > 1:22:22You assumed it was just wedding nerves.
1:22:22 > 1:22:24You got angry with me when I mentioned it to you.
1:22:24 > 1:22:28- All the signs are there.- The signs?
1:22:28 > 1:22:30The signs of three.
1:22:30 > 1:22:31What?
1:22:31 > 1:22:33Mary, I think you should do a pregnancy test.
1:22:35 > 1:22:38Well, the statistics for the first trimester are...
1:22:38 > 1:22:39Shut up!
1:22:40 > 1:22:41Just shut up.
1:22:41 > 1:22:43Sorry.
1:22:43 > 1:22:45How did he notice before me?
1:22:45 > 1:22:47- I'm a bloody doctor.- It's your day off.- It's YOUR day off!
1:22:47 > 1:22:48Stop. Stop panicking.
1:22:48 > 1:22:51- I'm not panicking.- I'm pregnant, I'm panicking!- Don't panic.
1:22:51 > 1:22:53None of you panic.
1:22:53 > 1:22:55Absolutely no reason to panic.
1:22:55 > 1:22:59- Oh, and you'd know, of course! - Yes, I would. You're already the best parents in the world,
1:22:59 > 1:23:01- look at all the practise you've had.- What practise?
1:23:01 > 1:23:05Well, you're hardly going to need me around, now that you've got a real baby on the way.
1:23:13 > 1:23:15- Are you all right?- Yeah!
1:23:21 > 1:23:24- Dance.- Hmm? - Both of you now, go, dance.
1:23:24 > 1:23:27- We can't just stand here. People will wonder what we're talking about.- Right.
1:23:27 > 1:23:28Well, what about you?
1:23:28 > 1:23:32- Yeah, we can't all three dance, there are limits.- Yes, there are.- Ahem.
1:23:32 > 1:23:34Come on, husband, let's go.
1:23:34 > 1:23:36- This isn't a waltz, is it?- No.
1:23:36 > 1:23:38Don't worry, I have been tutoring him.
1:23:38 > 1:23:41He did, you know. Baker Street, behind closed curtains. Mrs Hudson came in one time.
1:23:41 > 1:23:44I don't know how those rumours started!
1:23:48 > 1:23:52# Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under
1:23:52 > 1:23:54# Oh, what a night!
1:23:56 > 1:24:00# Oh, what a night!
1:24:09 > 1:24:13# Oh, I
1:24:13 > 1:24:17# I got a funny feelin' when she walked
1:24:17 > 1:24:19# In the room
1:24:19 > 1:24:21# Hey, I
1:24:21 > 1:24:26# As I recall it ended much too soon
1:24:28 > 1:24:31# Oh, what a night
1:24:31 > 1:24:35# Why'd it take so long to see the light?
1:24:35 > 1:24:40# Seemed so wrong but now it seems so right
1:24:40 > 1:24:44# What a lady, what a night
1:24:56 > 1:25:01# Oh, I felt a rush like a rolling ball of thunder
1:25:01 > 1:25:05# Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under
1:25:05 > 1:25:08# Oh, what a night!
1:25:09 > 1:25:13# Oh, what a night!
1:25:15 > 1:25:16# Oh, what a night... #