0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:51 > 0:00:54THUNDERSTORM
0:01:29 > 0:01:35Look at it. Look at the bloody stuff! Rain, rain, rain!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# The old umbrella man... #
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Let's join the old umbrella man
0:02:09 > 0:02:15- and sing... - # Toodle-lum-a-lum-a Toodle-aye-ay
0:02:15 > 0:02:21# Any umber-ellas Any umber-ellas to fix today?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Bring your parasol
0:02:24 > 0:02:26# It may be small, it may be big
0:02:26 > 0:02:30# He repairs them all With what you'd call... #
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"..A thing-a-me-jig."
0:02:33 > 0:02:39You move your lips, d'you know that? When you read, you move your lips! What?
0:02:39 > 0:02:44That's the sign of a slow reader, a backward reader.
0:02:44 > 0:02:52You could even say that anyone who moves their lips when they read is mentally retarded!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What did you say?!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58It's raining. It's raining, look!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Yeah.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08< What's it about, eh? Reginald!
0:03:08 > 0:03:15What's it about? You've asked hundreds of times! Well, I'm askin' you again.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Well...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22My God!
0:03:22 > 0:03:27It's hard to say! Well, if you don't know now... Murder!
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Good. Killing an' that... And loose women!
0:03:32 > 0:03:38There you are! Could do with THEM in here. Now, now.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Except... Except WHAT?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:48Except they're not really. Some of them are spies who have to sleep with the customers.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51A knockin' shop? No, a club.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Well, go on! - Some of them are Nazis,
0:03:55 > 0:04:00and some of them are... oh, I don't know...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Footballers(?) - Get off!
0:04:03 > 0:04:10Well, I think that's very clear. You've got the whole plot in a nutshell there(!)
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Totally understandable(!)
0:04:13 > 0:04:19You'll always get a job on Reader's Digest with YOUR mind!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Why don't you DO somethin', Mr Hall?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Shall I call for the bed-pan? >
0:04:24 > 0:04:30- You haven't had a shit for ages. - Stop it, Reginald! That's enough.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- Ask the pretty nurse for the bed-pan... - Reginald!
0:04:35 > 0:04:41You got to shit sometimes. Your arse ain't sewed up. Shall I call her?
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Shut your chops! This is very offensive!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Not "chops", a MOUTH. - And a dirty one!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Excuse me! - Say no more!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Go back to my story then, can I(?)
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You must be enjoying it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- When I get the chance. - Same book?!
0:05:08 > 0:05:15- A slow reader... I think Mr Hall wants the... But- I- keep interrupting him!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I DO divert him. Oh, yes.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24- What's it called? - The Singing Detective. - By PE Marlow?
0:05:24 > 0:05:30Yeah, that's the geezer. < He's in here, you know.
0:05:30 > 0:05:36- The author is in this ward. - What?! Who is? - Mr Marlow! Down there.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41PE Marlow. He wrote that book.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45What, that old sod that can't stop noddin'?!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48That's not very nice! No, next bed.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Nobody there. The Invisible Man - HE write that?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57He's out of the ward having treatment at the moment.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Him?! The loudmouth with the skin?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03The very one!
0:06:03 > 0:06:09You'll be able to ask him how it finishes, Reginald. HE won't know.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14I'd like to talk to him, though. Fancy that. What a turn up!
0:06:14 > 0:06:20# Toodle-lum-a-lum-a Toodle-lum-a-lum-a Toodle-aye-ay
0:06:20 > 0:06:26# Any umber-ellas Any umber-ellas to fix today?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30# Bring your parasol It may be small, it may be big
0:06:30 > 0:06:36# He repairs them all With what you call a thingummyjig
0:06:36 > 0:06:41# Pitter-patter-patter Pitter-patter-patter It looks like rain
0:06:41 > 0:06:46# Let it pitter-patter Let it pitter-patter Don't mind the rain... #
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Watch the bar, you fool! Then YOU watch your tongue!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Face the other way...please.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Thank you.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08# He'll mend your umbrella... #
0:07:08 > 0:07:12'Those two up there. One facing in, one facing out.
0:07:12 > 0:07:19'Standard intelligence tactics. What's going on? Watch yourself. Watch!'
0:07:19 > 0:07:24# When there's a lull And things are dull... #
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Come on! Let him have it!
0:07:28 > 0:07:34The barman's winkin' at me. He thinks I'm a nancy! Let him have it!
0:07:35 > 0:07:40# He mends anything But he'd rather sing!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45# Toodle-lum-a-lum-a Toodle-aye-ay... #
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Toodle-lum-a-lum-a.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53# ..to fix today? Patch up your troubles... #
0:07:54 > 0:07:56SILENCED GUNSHOTS
0:08:06 > 0:08:14REGINALD: ' "His fingers...clawed... st-stiffly towards...his neck.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18' "Blood...jerked...'
0:08:18 > 0:08:23"..and...spurted..." Bloody hell!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33SCREAMS AND MORE GUNSHOTS
0:08:48 > 0:08:51SHOUTING
0:08:53 > 0:08:57TYRES SQUEAL
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Too late. No, no! On time. What?
0:09:15 > 0:09:21Visitors, Reginald. Visiting time. You can put that book away now.
0:09:21 > 0:09:27They shoot the wrong one. What? ..Oh, in that bloody book! Put it away!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30The hordes are upon us.
0:09:30 > 0:09:36You can smell the outside world on their shoes, eh? Eh, my boy?
0:09:48 > 0:09:52SHE WHISTLES
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Hello.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58I was beginning a dream. Drifting away.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- Unanchored.- Where to? - School. Back to school.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06God. One of those.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Yeah, one of those.
0:10:08 > 0:10:16- THOSE dreams! I'm always asked the capital of Iceland, and I never know.- Reykjavik.
0:10:16 > 0:10:23- Never know in the DREAM. - What're you doing here? - Punishing myself.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26You look very...nice.
0:10:26 > 0:10:33- Don't say it like that.- Like what? - Well...like I'm your enemy or like something the cat brought in.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- It's not my imagination.- What?
0:10:36 > 0:10:42- You are DEFINITELY up to something. - Good old Philip.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48- And it must involve money! - Go on. This is fascinating.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- MY money!- You haven't got any!
0:10:51 > 0:10:58Not in cash. Not in your foldable portraits of Her Majesty, no. Nor in coins.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01But I DO have assets.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- Your flat.- My flat.- A damp basement. That is very fashionable(!)
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- And my work!- Oh...yes, of course.
0:11:09 > 0:11:15- My four detective stories.- Yes. - Three of which are out of print.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20- And...the screenplay. - What screenplay?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Bingo!
0:11:22 > 0:11:29- What are you talking about? - The dot on every "i", the curl on each comma!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Come again?- With my buckled hands!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Philip!- D'you think I could forget a thing like that?
0:11:37 > 0:11:43OK, it was ten years ago I wrote that screenplay. I was on holiday.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I had cantilevered heels.
0:11:46 > 0:11:52Well, I wouldn't know, would I? It was ages before you met ME.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55What screenplay was this?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57The Singing Detective.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09That's it! All done!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13About time, too.
0:12:17 > 0:12:23- The Singing Detective. An original screenplay by...- Mark Finney!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It's AGES since I did any typing.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35This gadget. You'd think it could pour a drink...or answer back.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40- Uh-uh, that's MY job. D'you want a drink?- Why not!
0:12:42 > 0:12:50Now we've got it safely on disk, we can shred that old shoe box and print off copies. Ice?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Ice.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59NICOLA HUMS "The Umbrella Man"
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- Now we deliver.- AND collect.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09But you MUST get Marlow to sign the option with my company.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14An absolute essential. First things first.
0:13:14 > 0:13:22One, he signs with ME. Two, I sell it to Metro Films. Three, net profit - over £500,000.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Cheers. Not bad, eh?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Cheers!
0:13:28 > 0:13:33- He's got to sign.- I know. - Nicola...
0:13:33 > 0:13:41Can't you be nicer to him? You know...sweeter. Promise more. All that stuff.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46- Hitch up my skirt, do you mean? - Oh, Nicola.
0:13:46 > 0:13:54- All right, all right. But you've no idea how difficult he can be. - See him this evening. Be nice, hmm?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58NICOLA'S VOICE: 'What are you talking about? What screenplay was this?'
0:13:59 > 0:14:02The Singing Detective.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Really?!- Mmm.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10And I put it in a shoebox in the cupboard in the flat.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Oh, THAT!
0:14:12 > 0:14:20- Ohh...- My God. Yes, that. - If it's the pages I think you mean, you threw them out. Ages ago.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- I- threw them out?! - Yeah. If it's the one...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Yes! The one in the shoebox.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- The one in the shoebox?- You know very well you did. What IS all this?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Oh, well... Easy come, easy go.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Was it the only copy?- Of course.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Never mind, eh?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Jesus.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- What?- The way you sit.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57The way you...
0:14:57 > 0:15:02- No. Those are song lyrics, almost. - You and your songs.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Yeah, well... Banality with a beat.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Will it hurt if I squeeze?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Yeah, well...- Poor old sod.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21But there's... You ARE improving.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- In what, though?- Your skin.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26The way you move your head.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31- I can see a big improvement. - Except...- Except what? - I'm going mad.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Come on. What do you mean?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I'm going off my head. Bonkers.
0:15:39 > 0:15:46A candidate for the funny farm. Cuckoo. Nuts. Bananas is what I mean. Got it?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Do you want to talk about it, or...?
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- Sex!- What?- That's what it's all about. Sex and lies!
0:15:54 > 0:15:59You've been stuck with your own thoughts too long.
0:15:59 > 0:16:06- I want to sleep with you again. - Philip...- With a mirror alongside. - Listen to me...
0:16:06 > 0:16:12So that I can turn my head while I'm doing it, and leer at myself.
0:16:12 > 0:16:19And when it spurts out of me, I can come off your sticky loins and spit in my own face!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22My GOD, Philip!
0:16:22 > 0:16:28- Well, it's an improvement.- What?! - Spitting at ME, my own reflection.
0:16:28 > 0:16:36- Few weeks ago my idea of happiness would be to spit into YOUR face. - Christ Almighty!- Yes. And HIM, too.
0:16:36 > 0:16:42- What are you going to do about all these feelings?- I dunno.
0:16:42 > 0:16:50Write serious literature, I suppose. Or piss into the wind, like poets and priests do.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Who are those two?
0:16:53 > 0:16:59- Who ARE they?- Well, I don't know! Why do they bother you?
0:16:59 > 0:17:08- Paranoia.- What?- I'm totally paranoid.- You have everything going for you, then, haven't you(?)
0:17:09 > 0:17:14(People are beginning to notice us. They are looking at us.
0:17:14 > 0:17:20(Let 'em. They're all sick. Do you reckon that's him?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23< (The nurse said so.)
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Are you going over? What? When he's with HER?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:33We can't stand here. Why not?! That's all we ever do.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36< That's all we're asked to do. Stand around like spare pricks.
0:17:36 > 0:17:42Let's do something. Like what? Need any help?
0:17:43 > 0:17:50(Do we?) Thank you, Miss. No. We've seen all we wish to see. For the moment.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Let's go.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00We'd, uh...better...go.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Ah!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Oi!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Nurse!
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- Yes?- Who are those two? Do you know?- No idea.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- But they're very peculiar. > - In what way?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Strange people come into hospitals. Usually after the drugs.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I knew there was something weird about them.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- Why were they so interested in ME? - They weren't.- They stared at me.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- Well...perhaps.- Don't humour me. - No, no.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54< I'LL hold the beaker.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Just drink this... That's it!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00No, don't spit it out.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04< That's it. A little drop more.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09- < Mr Tomkey! - It's a thrill a minute in here(!)
0:19:09 > 0:19:14Can't we get you out of here? Now that you've got money coming in.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19- Money?! - You were right, of course.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23There was more to it than I...implied. Sorry.
0:19:24 > 0:19:31- Go on.- I thought I'd go and clean your flat. The plants were all dead.
0:19:31 > 0:19:37- Good.- There was mould on... God, Philip! The way you live.
0:19:37 > 0:19:45- You opened my letters, right? - Most were from Reader's Digest. - My prize numbers! They're assets!
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- And, yes...there was this letter. - About The Singing Detective?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- From this production company.- Who?
0:19:54 > 0:20:00- New people, Featherwheel.- Who runs it?- Man called Finney.- Know him?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Never heard of him. - You don't sound sure.- I AM.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09- In what context have you never heard of him?- A money context.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14They're theatre "angels", trying to move into films.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19- You have this letter? - I have it with me.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- And it checks out?- So it SEEMS.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27- And I'll get some money straight away?- So it SAYS.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35- Who'll do the screenplay? - Finney himself.- Ohhh...(!)
0:20:35 > 0:20:42They all think they can write. Every little bleeder who can hold a pen!
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- My advice is to take the money and run.- Maybe you're right.- I AM.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I didn't expect to see you again.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Well, I...I don't want to leave.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04No...I do and I don't.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Fidelity's not your strong suit, is it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12No, I'm not trying to be nasty.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I miss you...sort of.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- What?!- No...
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I DO. Much to my surprise.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Hey!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Come here.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- What?- Um...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Could we close these curtains?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- What for?- Guess!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49They wouldn't let us close them.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Well, then, get better. Quickly!
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- Nicola, what's going on? - What do you mean?
0:21:57 > 0:22:03- Why are you being so nice? - Oh... Change of policy.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09- Yes, but WHY?- Oh, don't start all that again!- No. All right.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36- You did it? Question mark. - I did it! Exclamation mark.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- He signed? Question mark. - He signed! Exclamation mark.
0:22:41 > 0:22:47Oh, comma, aren't you the clever one - dash! Exclamation mark.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Oh, he's a morbid creature! Exclamation mark.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Oh, he's a morbid creature and he thinks I'm going back to him.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- YOUNG PHILIP: - 'What's him a'doing?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16'What's him a'doing to our mam?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23'Mam!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26'Mam! Mam!'
0:23:26 > 0:23:30SONIA: 'I mean, how long does it take?'
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's only a bit of fun, innit?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44MRS MARLOW SOBS
0:24:08 > 0:24:16The rain, it falls. The sun, it shines. The wind blows. And that's what it's like.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21We are buffeted by things, and it's got NOTHING to do with YOU.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27Someone you love leaves or dies. You get ill or you get better.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31You grow old and you remember, or you forget.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37And all the time there's this canopy over you.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- What canopy?- Things as they are!
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Fate. FATE - impersonal, irrational, disinterested.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51The rain falls. The sun shines. The wind blows.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56A bus mounts a pavement and kills a little child, and...
0:24:56 > 0:25:03I believe in no systems, no ideologies, no religion. I simply think...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Oh, this is very, very boring.
0:25:05 > 0:25:12I think that from time to time we are visited by what we cannot know, cannot control,
0:25:12 > 0:25:19cannot CANNOT understand, cannot cannot cannot escape...FATE!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Why not? It's a good old word.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Accident.- What?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29You say fate, I say accident.
0:25:29 > 0:25:35You can call it what you like. Either way, there's sod all you can do about it, right?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Progress.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44- Depends on where you're standing when the bomb falls.- No, YOU.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50- The way you move when you talk some especially urgent gibberish.- Ta(!)
0:25:50 > 0:25:56- And your skin is genuinely responding.- Ye-e-es.- Yes!
0:25:56 > 0:26:02That's something biochemical. Nothing to do with my MIND.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08- Have you tried to stand? - Who'd vote for me?- To stand UP.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Yes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- And?- I fell down.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- Have you held a pen?- Yes.- AND?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- I wrote a whole word. - Oh, well done!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Yes, a whole word - four whole letters!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25That may not seem much, four letters...
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Oh, I see. A four-letter word.
0:26:28 > 0:26:36- Not very sharp. I imagined you striking matches on your thumbnail. - I would use a lighter.
0:26:36 > 0:26:42- Hurt, are we?- You might just have a point.- Don't be ashamed.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46What interests me is the disproportionate pleasure
0:26:46 > 0:26:52- that you get out of it. - Different strokes for different folks.
0:26:52 > 0:27:00- There's physical progress.- Yes. - But are you still disappointed in things as they are?
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Not a bit. "Things as they are" are no concern of mine.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You object to the word "things"?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I object to lots of words.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- Such as?- Such as..."loitering".
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Another.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23- What?- Another word you dislike. - Oh, goody. Games(!)- If you like.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Word games?- If you like. - Like Scrabble?
0:27:27 > 0:27:34- No, I say a word, and YOU... - I say a word I associate with it. - Instantly.- Nescafe!
0:27:35 > 0:27:43- No, we haven't started yet. No, YOU have to respond instantly without hesitation.- But I DID.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Doctor...- Charlatan.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50Look, if we're going to do this we have to...
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- We have to agree it has no diagnostic value.- Fine.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Judge.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Wall.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- Blank.- Will.- Bard.- Black.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Magic.- Comb.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- Honey.- Blonde.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Honey.- Money.- Shit.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- Fish.- Jesus.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- God.- Doctor.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Guardian.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- Misprint.- Sun.- Trash.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- You.- Me.- Me.- Tarzan.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Legs.- Eleven.- Arms.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Bombs.- Hands.- Clap.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41- Clap.- Promiscuity. - Loose.- Tight.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45- Free.- Gift.- Fair.- Bus.
0:28:45 > 0:28:50- Train.- Puff.- Queen.- Poof.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- King.- Check.
0:28:52 > 0:28:57- Young.- Green. - Old.- Cliff Richard.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- Fly.- Crash.- Float.- Hook.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08- Dream.- Wake.- Sleep.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12- Lie.- Politician.- Lie.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15- Tale.- Lie.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19- Writer.- Liar.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- Sentence.- Prison.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- Cage.- School.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Light.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Cigarette.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- Lung.- Fish.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- Evasion.- Tax.- Duty.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- Humbug.- Cant.- Can.- Tin.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- Tack.- Nail.- Cross.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- Passion.- Pretence.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51- Woman.- Fuck.- Fuck.- Dirt.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55- Dirt.- Death.- Start.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Stop.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- The game.- D'you think so?
0:30:11 > 0:30:16That's what YOU called it. And we agreed.
0:30:16 > 0:30:21- No diagnostic value. - None at all. None whatsoever.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28- I mean, it's words. Just words. - Just words.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37I don't think I'll come here again.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- No?- No.- Why is that?
0:30:42 > 0:30:48# Toodle-lum-a-lum-a Toodle-lum-a-lum-a Toodle-aye-ay... #
0:30:50 > 0:30:55- 'Duty.- Humbug.- Cant.- Can. - Tin.- Tack.- Nail.- Cross.'
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- Passion.- Pretence.- Woman.- Fuck.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02- Fuck.- Dirt.- Dirt.- Death.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07KNOCK AT DOOR
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- Still needin' assistance?- Afraid so.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19- Ahh, tomatoes.- What?
0:31:19 > 0:31:23- You still eatin' them tomatoes? - Oh, no, no.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Stay off them. It's the pips.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30I hears you!
0:31:34 > 0:31:42He's back, Reginald. The scribe. He's returned to this paradise, the oasis of his pit(!)
0:31:44 > 0:31:48The loudmouth. Your bloody so-called author.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52You'd never think it, would you? Not in a million years.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57When will I ever again have an intelligent conversation?
0:31:57 > 0:32:02He don't look like a writer. No, he don't.
0:32:02 > 0:32:07Just shows. > What does it show?
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Shall I go over and talk to him?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Like you do with ME? Dazzle him(?)
0:32:13 > 0:32:16No, tell him how I like his book.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Ask him how it ends, for God's sake.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21And how soon.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- 'Cross.- Passion.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- 'Pretence.- Woman.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- 'Fuck.- Fuck.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40- 'Dirt.- Dirt.- Death.'
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Knock...knock...knock.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55GIBBON: ' "Mouth sucking wet and slack at mouth,
0:33:55 > 0:34:01' "tongue chafing against tongue, limb thrusting upon limb, skin rubbing at skin.
0:34:01 > 0:34:06' "Faces contort and stretch into a helpless leer.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10' "Organs spurt out smelly stains and sticky betrayals.
0:34:12 > 0:34:18' "This is the sweaty farce out of which we are brought into being.
0:34:18 > 0:34:19' "Welcome."
0:34:19 > 0:34:24'Who are you opening your legs for now, you rutting bitch?!
0:34:24 > 0:34:30'Doesn't it disgust you, what you do? Being paid to stretch out and let a stranger enter you?
0:34:30 > 0:34:31'You disgusting tramp!'
0:34:31 > 0:34:39The river looks as though it's made of tar. Sludging along. Full of filth.
0:34:39 > 0:34:44'You filthy little slut! You disgusting tramp!
0:34:44 > 0:34:49'You heartless two-bit rutting whore, Nicola...!'
0:34:51 > 0:34:54GASPING BREATHS
0:35:43 > 0:35:47I'm sorry. It wasn't really ME calling you names.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50I don't mean them.
0:35:50 > 0:35:56I don't WANT to do it. It's just that afterwards I almost always feel...
0:35:56 > 0:35:59It's nothing personal.
0:35:59 > 0:36:04Takes all sorts. What you covered up for?
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Something wrong with you?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13The river looks as if...
0:36:16 > 0:36:20- The river...- What about it?
0:36:20 > 0:36:27The river looks as if it's full of tar. Sludging along. Full of filth.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29What d'you expect, Badedas?
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Doesn't it disgust you, what you do?
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Depends on who I do it with.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Being paid to stretch yourself out and let a stranger enter you.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44- You expect me to do it for nothin'? - Of course not.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I mean, how long does it take?
0:36:47 > 0:36:52- Do you really believe that? - Oh, Christ, that's what you wanted.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Yeah.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06GUITAR MUSIC STARTS
0:37:07 > 0:37:10# You always hurt... #
0:37:11 > 0:37:14Roll on, Pop, eh? Roll on.
0:37:14 > 0:37:20# The one you shouldn't hurt at all
0:37:20 > 0:37:24# You always take
0:37:24 > 0:37:27# The sweetest rose
0:37:27 > 0:37:30# And crush it
0:37:30 > 0:37:34# Till the petals fa-a-all
0:37:34 > 0:37:41# You always break the kindest heart
0:37:41 > 0:37:48# With a hasty word you can't recall
0:37:48 > 0:37:55# So if I broke your heart last night
0:37:55 > 0:38:03# It's because I love you most of a-a-a-all
0:38:04 > 0:38:07# You always hurt
0:38:07 > 0:38:12# The one you love
0:38:12 > 0:38:20# The one you shouldn't hurt at a-a-a-all
0:38:22 > 0:38:25# You always take
0:38:25 > 0:38:30# The sweetest rose
0:38:30 > 0:38:38# And crush it till the petals fa-a-a-all...
0:38:39 > 0:38:47# You always break the kindest heart
0:38:47 > 0:38:54# With a hasty word you can't recall
0:38:54 > 0:39:03# So-o-o-o-o-o If I broke your heart last night
0:39:03 > 0:39:12# It's because I love you most of a-a-a-a-all
0:39:14 > 0:39:18# You always hurt
0:39:18 > 0:39:21# The one you love
0:39:21 > 0:39:29# The one you shouldn't hurt at a-a-a-a-all
0:39:31 > 0:39:34# You always take
0:39:35 > 0:39:38# The sweetest rose
0:39:38 > 0:39:44# Crush it till the petals fa-a-a-a-all... #
0:39:44 > 0:39:47No! No, listen...
0:39:47 > 0:39:51# ..You always break
0:39:51 > 0:39:55# The kindest heart
0:39:55 > 0:39:58# With a hasty word
0:39:58 > 0:40:02# You can't recall
0:40:02 > 0:40:05# So-o-o-o-o-o-o
0:40:05 > 0:40:11# If I broke your heart last night
0:40:11 > 0:40:20# It's because I love you most of a-a-a-a-all. #
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- There's a good boy.- Mam...?
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Looking after your mother, eh?
0:40:52 > 0:40:58- Hasn't worked out, has it?- What? - You don't like it here, durst?
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"Do you", not "durst"!
0:41:01 > 0:41:04But you don't like it, durst?
0:41:05 > 0:41:08You're a very stubborn boy.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Aye. I be.
0:41:11 > 0:41:16- Well, I don't know where you get it from.- Our dad.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- No.- OUR DAD.
0:41:20 > 0:41:25I wish you DID. I wish he had it to give.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27But he's not made that way, Philip.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Don't you know that?
0:41:31 > 0:41:39- When's him a'coming, Mam? When's our dad gonna come? - I don't know. I'm not sure.
0:41:39 > 0:41:45- I want to go home. Back to our dad. Back to them trees.- Sod the trees!
0:41:46 > 0:41:50Oh, no! The oak and the elm and the beech and the ash.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53- The oak and the elm and the beech and the ash.- Philip!
0:41:53 > 0:41:55The oak and the elm and...
0:41:55 > 0:42:01- D'you want a smack?! Stop it, I said!- My arm do hurt.
0:42:01 > 0:42:05- Oh, come on!- Caught me on my sore! - Your what?
0:42:05 > 0:42:09- On me arm, mind.- Let me see.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11- Ain't nothin'.- Let me see!
0:42:13 > 0:42:16When did THIS happen?
0:42:16 > 0:42:19- Did you bump into something?- Dunno.
0:42:19 > 0:42:24I'll put something on that when we get back.
0:42:24 > 0:42:30- Better show our dad. Better show this arm to our dad.- God's sake!
0:42:30 > 0:42:35Don't keep on! Don't keep on! Once and for all...
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Shut up about it. SHUT UP!
0:42:42 > 0:42:46- When's him a'coming?- He's NOT!
0:42:49 > 0:42:53Mam...why? Why, Mam?
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Philip...listen to me.
0:43:00 > 0:43:06- Listen to me.- Is it because of what that bloke did to you in the woods?
0:43:06 > 0:43:09- What?!- That stuff wi' Mr Binney.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13- Raymond Binney. Mark's dad! - What stuff?!
0:43:13 > 0:43:17- Him on top of tha!- What?!- Shaggin'.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Oh, Philip.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27Shaggin'!
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Philip!
0:43:30 > 0:43:34Philip! Philip, come back!
0:43:34 > 0:43:38PHILIP! PHILIP!
0:43:38 > 0:43:40'PHILIP!'
0:43:45 > 0:43:46PHILIP!
0:43:48 > 0:43:51PHILIP!
0:44:03 > 0:44:06- Who killed her, then?- What?
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Who?
0:44:08 > 0:44:11That tart they pulled out the river.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15- What are you talking about? - Your book!
0:44:15 > 0:44:18Christ! A reader!
0:44:18 > 0:44:24- Yeah.- You come under the Protection of Endangered Species Act. - What's that? Wit, is it?
0:44:24 > 0:44:27Oh, no, not that. No fear.
0:44:27 > 0:44:36- Both of us in here... You wrote it and I'm readin' it. It's funny, eh? - Hilarious.- It's good.- Thanks.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39- Very good.- Thank you.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42- Can tell you're a writer.- How?
0:44:42 > 0:44:45All that effin' and blindin'.
0:44:45 > 0:44:50Writers who once knew better words Now only use four-letter words.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53- Do they?- The song.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58- Oh, yeah.- Anything Goes.- Not 'alf!
0:44:58 > 0:45:01Well, it's the day and the age.
0:45:03 > 0:45:08- You're not goin' to tell me, eh? - Tell you?- Who put her in the river.
0:45:08 > 0:45:13- A swine.- Which one? There's lots in your book.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16You'll find out by reading it.
0:45:16 > 0:45:21- Yeah. ..Well, all the best, then. - Same to you.
0:45:21 > 0:45:26- We'll chat again, eh? - Yes, I like literary discussions.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29- Right, then.- Thank you.
0:45:30 > 0:45:34I'll bet you lie there all day thinking of murdering people, eh?
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Yes.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41Yes, I do.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49REGINALD: 'Who killed her, then?
0:45:50 > 0:45:55'Her in the river. That tart they dragged out the river.'
0:45:56 > 0:46:01PHILIP'S TEACHER: 'Who did it, mmm? WHO?'
0:46:01 > 0:46:06Who did it? Tell me. There's a good boy.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22Mark Binney, Miss. It was Mark.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25No, Miss. It wasn't!
0:46:25 > 0:46:29- It was Mark. I saw him. - No, Miss. Not ME.
0:46:33 > 0:46:39- Are you SURE you saw him?- Yes, Miss. - No, him couldn't have!
0:46:39 > 0:46:42- QUITE sure?- I didn't!- Yes, Miss.
0:46:42 > 0:46:47- How did you see him? Where were YOU?- Door.- What?
0:46:47 > 0:46:55- Standin' at the door.- Doing WHAT? - I came back a'ter school.- What for? - To put another flag up.- To do what?
0:46:55 > 0:47:02- Berlin, Miss!- What? - The Russians be there now. They be smashin' through.
0:47:02 > 0:47:05Well, NEARLY there, yes.
0:47:05 > 0:47:10I wanted to stick their flag up... Anyway, I came back. There him was.
0:47:10 > 0:47:16- I saw him.- Him couldn't have. It wasn't ME, Miss.
0:47:16 > 0:47:20- What did you see? What was he doing? - Pooping, Miss.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25- I wasn't.- Quiet!
0:47:27 > 0:47:33- Philip, that is NOT the right word. - He was doin' his number two on the table, Miss.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35I didn't. I didn't!
0:47:36 > 0:47:39Mark Binney...
0:47:41 > 0:47:44Come out to the front!
0:47:46 > 0:47:50- Come here, boy!- Miss...
0:48:03 > 0:48:09- Philip, you may go back to your desk for now.- Yes, Miss.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12Thank you, Philip.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16It warn't ME, Miss! Honest!
0:48:16 > 0:48:19We'll see about that, won't we?
0:48:19 > 0:48:23We're going to find out, aren't we?
0:48:24 > 0:48:30We're going to find out, even if it takes us the rest of the day!
0:48:30 > 0:48:35'It warn't me, Miss. Honest, Miss. Honest!'
0:48:39 > 0:48:42You see? ..Reginald!
0:48:43 > 0:48:47< They always turn THAT way first. Nine times out of ten!
0:48:47 > 0:48:50Is it fair?! ..Reginald!
0:48:51 > 0:48:54DO YOU think it's fair?
0:48:56 > 0:48:59Tea, coffee or Ovaltine?
0:49:00 > 0:49:04- Gone deaf, have we?- Sorry. What?
0:49:04 > 0:49:07- Well, which is it?- Coffee.
0:49:07 > 0:49:12- Ple-e-e-ease.- Coffee, ple-e-e-ease!
0:49:16 > 0:49:23- You'll soon be able to use an ordinary cup.- Will I(?) - If you try harder.- Ple-e-e-ease!
0:49:23 > 0:49:26- What?!- Say ple-e-e-ease.
0:49:30 > 0:49:33Tea, coffee or Ovaltine?
0:49:33 > 0:49:35Kuh...kuh...kuh...
0:49:37 > 0:49:40Kuh-kuh... We'll have Ovaltine!
0:49:40 > 0:49:42Oh!
0:49:50 > 0:49:53Say ple-e-e-ease!
0:49:55 > 0:49:59Ah...ah...ah... Oh, never mind.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02Ah...ah...ah...
0:50:02 > 0:50:04Ah...!
0:50:04 > 0:50:07ARSEHOLE!
0:50:12 > 0:50:16Amused, are we? It's funny.
0:50:16 > 0:50:17What is? This bit.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20< Tea, coffee or Ovaltine?
0:50:20 > 0:50:24I thought it was a thriller. It IS.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27Well, then. That tart in the river...
0:50:27 > 0:50:31Who? In the book.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34Yes?! It's not her at all.
0:50:34 > 0:50:42Say no more. I've got the COMPLETE picture. It all makes sense(!)
0:50:42 > 0:50:45GENTLE SNORING, MONITOR BEEPS
0:51:06 > 0:51:08'You think I fell for THAT?
0:51:08 > 0:51:12'SHE thinks I fell hook, line and sinker.
0:51:12 > 0:51:17'And look what'll happen. Look what I'll do.
0:51:25 > 0:51:30'Rot her thieving, narrow, poisonous soul!'
0:51:34 > 0:51:36SOFTLY: Nurse?
0:51:42 > 0:51:43Nurse?
0:51:45 > 0:51:47< Nu-u-u-urse.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53Nurse.
0:51:56 > 0:51:59Please...Nu-u-u-u-urse.
0:52:02 > 0:52:07Big fat dopey bitch. You stupid cow, I shall mess myself!
0:52:08 > 0:52:11Gawd... Nu-u-u-u-urse!
0:52:11 > 0:52:16Wake up, please. Please wake up. There's a darling. There's a love.
0:52:16 > 0:52:21You sodding bitch! You cow! You fat cow!
0:52:21 > 0:52:23NURSE!
0:52:44 > 0:52:48(Here! Over here! Here!)
0:52:53 > 0:52:58Why aren't you asleep? Sorry. I need the bed-pan.
0:52:58 > 0:53:03Can't you get it yourself? I mustn't get up. Cardiac.
0:53:03 > 0:53:10Please, I need it. The contraption. I need it badly. Heart trouble, eh?
0:53:10 > 0:53:11Yes!
0:53:11 > 0:53:13What? What's the matter?
0:53:13 > 0:53:17See what you done? You woke them up!
0:53:17 > 0:53:22I'll get it for you. No need to make all this noise.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Well, I'm...I'm sorry, but I...
0:53:26 > 0:53:32What the hell's goin' on? It's YOU. YOU, my boy!
0:53:32 > 0:53:35What? You were grinding your teeth.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38< Like rocks being rubbed together. What?
0:53:39 > 0:53:42Christ, hurry up.
0:53:42 > 0:53:48Night Nurse is very angry with you, and I'll tell you something - she is not one to make angry!
0:53:48 > 0:53:51She's completely off her rocker.
0:53:51 > 0:53:55I tell you, she's round the bend. Look at her eyes.
0:53:55 > 0:53:58LIGHT SNORING < Reginald?
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Reginald?
0:54:06 > 0:54:11'All shall be well. And all shall be well.
0:54:11 > 0:54:15'And all manner of things shall be well.'
0:54:51 > 0:54:54We... We should not have run.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58What else could we do?
0:55:10 > 0:55:12How have we...?
0:55:14 > 0:55:17Why...why HERE?
0:55:19 > 0:55:22What are we doin' HERE?
0:55:22 > 0:55:23BIRD SCREECHES
0:55:23 > 0:55:25GUNSHOT
0:55:30 > 0:55:36Perhaps we're... I mean, perhaps we... The question IS... >
0:55:38 > 0:55:42The question IS... Tell me.
0:55:42 > 0:55:46Will we be able to see the wood for the trees?
0:55:47 > 0:55:49Here? I don't think so.
0:55:50 > 0:55:55MR MARLOW: Philip! Where be'est, Philip?
0:55:56 > 0:56:02Come on, old buddy! > Everybody's lookin' for him. Everywhere!
0:56:02 > 0:56:06PHILIP! > The bugger!
0:56:06 > 0:56:10Philip! Oh, the bugger!
0:56:14 > 0:56:16Philip?
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Why doesn't tha answer, Philip?
0:56:22 > 0:56:24What's the matter, old buddy?
0:56:25 > 0:56:27PHILIP!
0:56:28 > 0:56:31Where be'est, Philip?
0:56:34 > 0:56:36PHILIP!
0:56:50 > 0:56:54Subtitles by Ewan Angus BBC Scotland 1986