0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34BLUES ROCK PLAYS ON RADIO
0:00:34 > 0:00:39MUSIC: "You Can't Judge A Book By The Cover" by The Strypes
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I've just oiled my ramekin, and I'm getting firm peaks off my mixture.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02VOICE ON PHONE: 'Oh, yeah. Go on.'
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I've just got to slip it in somewhere hot now. 'Ohhh!'
0:01:06 > 0:01:07What is going on?!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09'Malachi? Is that you, mate?'
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What the hell do you think you're doing?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I'm back for a tea with sugars in, which I think most people would
0:01:14 > 0:01:16consider normal after a hard day's work,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19as opposed to banging out the porn version of Delia Cooks.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20You shouldn't be here. I can see that!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I mean you're not due home till Thursday.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27You're supposed to be out tramping. Martin's...changed the roster again.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I don't know what he's playing at. Well, I do.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33It's new broom syndrome... That's not the point! I could have been Glen.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Can you imagine that? He walks in, seeing you like that?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39The same woman who read him Winnie the Pooh when he were a baby!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41He won't walk in. He's stopping round at Caroline's all night,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43so Kyle can enjoy the dinner I'm cooking him.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Well, good for Glen.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Are you going to bell him and tell him he can come home early, or shall I? What?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well, you needn't think I'm having my tea ruined by you
0:01:50 > 0:01:54and your boyfriend writhing round all over the condiments. No.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58You're not stopping here tonight. I've booked the house. I've got it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Look. There.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I shouldn't have to check a sodding diary to see
0:02:02 > 0:02:04whether I can spend a night under me own roof.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Why shouldn't you?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09This arrangement is supposed to be fair, Mal, but you're just having
0:02:09 > 0:02:13a laugh, or your head's buried a hundred foot deep in the sand.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Which is it? Now, clear off out of it, this instant.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I haven't arranged anything! Where am I going to sleep? Not my problem.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Just not here.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ey up, Dad.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Thought I'd get my pre-gym in before I drop the wagon off.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Don't blame you. Looks good.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They've got the regular chef back now, haven't they?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Can't have eggs, can you? With your cholesterol? Bollocks to that.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I'm stressed. I need a bit of a treat. Why are you stressed?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Cos your mum's acting up again, which is why I need you not to go
0:02:45 > 0:02:47round to Caroline's later and to come home with me instead.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I just want you to show a united front with me.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I'm not sure I want to show a united front.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I think I'd rather go round to Caroline's and have sex.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Unbelievable. You're playing right into his hands, you know, the boyfriend.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00He'll be delighted with this. Opposition ranks in disarray.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02He isn't like that. "Kyle!" He isn't, Dad.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04He's a really nice bloke.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07He took me to Alton Towers on Saturday, plus he's given us this
0:03:07 > 0:03:09book from this shop, all this, like, tantric stuff -
0:03:09 > 0:03:12how to stop coughing your custard all through power of your mind.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It means you can keep going for hours.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Look, Glen, I don't want to know.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18He's headed round there already with his bloody massage oils
0:03:18 > 0:03:21and his scented candles to be alone with my wife.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23But she isn't, though, is she? Not now.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Oh, yeah, on that, she asked me to give you this, this morning.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I forgot. Decree absolute.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33She's had it laminated?!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Yeah, so you can keep it in the cab,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and it'll be like that thing that Bob keeps in his, you know?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Um... Oh, what's it called?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Shaped like a cross. Crucifix.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Like that. To remind you. Of what?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53That you're footloose and fancy free. So, that's it then, is it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Gym and off round your girlfriend's for a knee-trembler?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57It's all right, as long as I know.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I'll call Steve and I'll go and see him.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Didn't he say he'd rather slam his wagon door repeatedly
0:04:02 > 0:04:05on the end of his knob than ever have you stop at his house again?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I can find an alternative. He isn't my only mate in the world.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I'll let you get that, and all for the price of a go on Oblivion.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I hope you can sleep at night.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I haven't missed Bob, have I? He hasn't been and gone?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37No, but I thought you had. Yeah, I forgot summat. Great.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Now you're back, we've just had the first lot of data through from the logistics people.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Evening! Bob! Just talking about you, mate. How's it going?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Sit down, I'll get you a coffee. Malachi... I'm busy.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You're all right, Malachi. I won't doddle, I've got pilgrims coming.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Do it every year. The seminarians.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55They drag across all the way from Leeds to Walsingham. You're joking?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Nope. Stick the cross in the shed and then 11 of them bed down for the night.
0:04:58 > 0:05:0011? What are you, a bleeding monastery?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Bob, be good if you could look at this an' all.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06It's the first lot of stats. Engine management, braking systems...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It was a bit lively on the throttle. It's fascinating stuff.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10All right.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Taco, as requested.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I had a slight parking issue at the petrol station, which may show as
0:05:15 > 0:05:18a lot of weird reversing, but it was that or tear the entire roof down.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It can happen, Steven, to the best driver in the world.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Don't beat yourself up about it. Is this going to take long?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26No... It's...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Right. Three minutes over on my first break.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I couldn't find anywhere safe to pull in. Oi!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34You're parked in my place. Shift it. Yeah, I will, I'm going now.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Steven, hang on. I don't blame you, mate.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39When you've had an incident, a no-fault incident, you can
0:05:39 > 0:05:42still be shaken up. What you on about? Me time.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43That's exactly what you need.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Get yourself home, nice hot bath, couple of tinnies,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47crank up the old PlayStation.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Of course, it always works better in two-player mode, doesn't it?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh... Oh, I see!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Forget it. Not after last time.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Oi! Are you going or not? Yeah, I just...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02No, he's not. And neither are you, actually, so...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'm sorry, but I did put a memo out about this,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07in the eventuality that we got this stuff back. What stuff?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09The telemetrics, the read-outs.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12It was mooted that we might discuss it alongside with
0:06:12 > 0:06:16the changes to the roster and the GPS. Yeah, the spy in the cab.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It is not a spy, it's harnessing new technology.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21How is your place these days, Wendy? What?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Your house, to which you're imminently headed.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I've always thought of it as very spacious, your home.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Oh, no. Not at the moment. Well, I'm having a lot of work done.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33It's like a building site. Look, I've got a meeting in ten minutes, Martin, and I can't miss it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Yeah, and I'm seeing the kids. BOB: I've got the cross.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37What about you, Michelle?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You got something on, or are you headed straight home?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Which is where exactly, these days? I can't remember.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Um, B&B, just till I get my new place.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Look, you're going to have to engage with this stuff eventually, right?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52We're on a programme of continuous improvement from now.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I've told you that, this is part of it. It's what we used at Norska.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58What, the fish fingers people? Cod! I was moving cod!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59In bulk, very effectively.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You had a four-bedroom place down there, didn't you?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Fine, just give us a print out, then.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I'll have a look at it when we finish with the kids
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and then we can talk about it tomorrow. Done. Wendy?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10No, you're all right, thanks.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Look, I remember that e-mail now,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15and it said, "All those who are interested, please stay behind."
0:07:15 > 0:07:18And I'm not, really. You know, in life, or in print, if I'm honest.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I'll pick it up as I go along.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Great. Great. Well, that's clear then, isn't it? Two copies.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What is wrong with you lot?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34What? The attitude.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Us? Look, Michelle, I feel sorry for him, fair enough,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39but we've all got our problems.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42If he knew what I was going through at the moment... He's right, Michelle.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He's totally blinkered. Plus, this whole,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"Stick with us cos my dad dropped dead with a heart attack" card....
0:07:47 > 0:07:50How long can he keep playing that? Longer than three months!
0:07:52 > 0:07:53No, you're right.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I'll talk to him about it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57(Back at his).
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Thank you.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Where's Malachi gone? Yours.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I think he's planning on having a chat with you later.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Oh, Christ.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Can you tell me what the bloody hell is going on? Andrea, it's fine.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I promise. Where do you keep your sugar?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35It's all right, I don't want to be no trouble.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You begged me. "Come to Nottingham with me, Andrea. Move in with me.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"Let's take it to the next level.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Never mind there'll be no London waiting,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"never mind you'll have a smaller company car,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"never mind you'll lose your 25% discount in Costa Coffee,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"cos that won't matter, cos it'll just be you and me now."
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Well, it isn't now, is it? I've got a shoot on tomorrow, Martin.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I was doing my pyramids. I'm all over the shop now.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04What you doing? Ey up, Martin. Has she told you?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Sue, not letting me stop in me own house. No, no, what are you doing here, with me?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I need a bed and there was no-one else. But you can't! Why cant I?
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Because! Have you forgot, already? Day you cleared off to university,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18you stood by my truck and you hugged me and you said,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"Band of brothers", meaning you, everyone in the yard and me.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I'd just seen it on the telly, I was dead emotional.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27You said it cos you meant it. Well, if I did, circumstances change.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I have responsibilities now, Malachi,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36different responsibilities, and not just to myself.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Plus, there's the whole safety issue.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Steven told me what happened with his chip pan when you were with him.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Christ, Malachi.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48This is your own fault. You're divorced.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50You shouldn't be living with your wife, still.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53That's why you get divorced, so you can sell up and get your own place.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57We can't afford to, can we? We'd be crippled by that negative equity if we both did that.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00In which case, maybe you should try a little bit harder not to get on her nerves, eh?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Is that my dressing gown?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Oh!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Please, Martin! It's one night and you're like a son to me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Bloody hell, Glen thought you were his brother until he were 12,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and I know he's a bit thick and that,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17but it just goes to show how much time you spent round ours,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19doesn't it, while your dad was setting everything up.
0:10:19 > 0:10:25We're family, Mart. You, me, my Glen...and your dear old dad.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Let's not betray that, eh?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I can see your cock.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Love. Love!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I've just spoken to him. I want him gone.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45There's hairs in this plughole I don't recognise.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I know, and he will be...eventually.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I'm not sharing my house with him, Martin.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Not for one second.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It's not your house, though, is it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Actually, it's mine, so...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03TYRES SQUEAL
0:12:41 > 0:12:44HE GROANS AND SIGHS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh! Oh, Jesus!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Malachi! Mal, I thought you were out.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19He's supposed to be out. I live here, Sue. I live here!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21This is my house!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I'm not about to camp down in my cab on a night
0:13:23 > 0:13:26when I'm not tramping, when there's a perfectly good bed going free here.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I thought you'd booked it? It's me bleeding home, Kyle!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It's not a cheap day's sodden return to Chesterfield. Calm down, Malachi!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Oh, says the woman who's just been caught with an interesting
0:13:35 > 0:13:38alternative to a mouth full of toothpaste, last thing at night.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41We weren't expecting you, Mal, mate, honest. Just shut it, will you?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm not speaking to you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Gosh, you stand there having an erection in my bathroom like it's
0:13:45 > 0:13:49your entitlement. I'm still paying half the mortgage on this place, you know.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I should charge you for that bloody lob on.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Jesus, what's going on?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57You can't leave it alone for five minutes?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59What's the matter with you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01He's asked me to marry him.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06What?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Just now.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10We were celebrating.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16What's wrong with going out for a Harvester or summat?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Glen could have walked in on that, you know.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Stop it with Glen. It's nowt to do with him.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28This is about us, Malachi, and the fact that we can't
0:14:28 > 0:14:31carry on like this, with both of us living here.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34It's gone as far as it can. I'll put a lock on the door. What?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I'll make sure I can't walk in.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I just need to know when you're doing it, that's all.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40There's probably an app I can get for me phone.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Malachi, it ain't working.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44And it's only going to get worse, in light of recent news.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46So, given that Glen's at home, still,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and I do plenty of looking after for him,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I suggest you're the one that moves out.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I'll help you with the costs of everything as best I can,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56getting a flat and that, but I want to live with my husband, Mal.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And that isn't you any more.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00HE SCOFFS What?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I can't believe you're actually doing it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I mean, the divorce were bad enough, just cos you strayed a bit...
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Mal! ..but actually breaking up the family home... Stop it!
0:15:08 > 0:15:13I'm just saying, destroying our home, just because you had a fling,
0:15:13 > 0:15:14it doesn't seem right.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17This is the driver, isn't it? What?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20This is Malachi the Trucker talking. I don't know what you're on about.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Yeah, you do! It weren't sex, Mal.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24We aren't here now cos I went off with Kyle one night
0:15:24 > 0:15:26and that upset everything.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30We're here now, cos he gives me all of himself, all of the time. I do!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33No, you don't. You can't. And you know that.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36That's why you drive, cos, truthfully, you're only happy when
0:15:36 > 0:15:39you're en route, where everything's filtered through a sheet of glass.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40That's not true. Yes, it is.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Even Glen said it about when he was growing up.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45You were never really at home, even when you were here.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47There was always a bit of you out on the road, still,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50where you really felt comfortable. Sue, don't bring...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Malachi, you can't live like that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You can't always put off the here and now cos you're on your way somewhere.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You have to arrive, eventually.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02You have to stop and get out, and be in it 100%,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and that's why we aren't together.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07So...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12..just be in this moment, for a minute.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Be right here, now, will you? And listen to me.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I'm marrying Kyle. And you've got to move out.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Can I just remind you, try and take your breaks while you tip.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It'll make a massive difference to your driving hours.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Yep, if you say so.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16What's that? It's my kit bag.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Doesn't it appear on them satellite read-outs you get?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Mal, what's up? All right, Mart?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25No, I mean, shouldn't you be in Sleaford? What?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, me round, yeah... Well, I haven't started it yet.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30What have you been doing? I just assumed you had set off early.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I did, about midnight, only then took her for a bit of a spin, that's all.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35A spin?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Where to?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I can check inside on the computer... Wales.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And the Bournville Chocolate Museum, and the Yorkshire Sculpture Park.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46And Skegness.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51How much fuel have you got through? I don't know. A bit, I suppose.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55A bit?! Oh, come on. Everyone uses their wagons for the odd domestic.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Wales is not a domestic. It's a bloody touring holiday!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01To be fair, Martin, he's not late, though, is he? It's the expense.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Jesus, why do you think I had the telemetrics installed?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Well... To improve our cost effectiveness.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10That's how we're going to increase our profit margins.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12If one or two of you had managed to hang about last night,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I could have shown you exactly what I mean.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Give us your fuel card. Eh? Your fuel card.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I want to see how much you've used. Oh, nah. That's not on.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24That's questioning his integrity, that is. He said "a bit".
0:18:24 > 0:18:26He gave you his word, and you've got to respect that.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Why have I? Cos that's how it works. You know, the boss backs his crew.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31That's how we've always done it,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33and it ain't turned out too bad that way, has it?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Steven, I am not my dad, I realise that,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37but I do have a degree in business management,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I've got experience, and I know what I'm talking about,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42so let me see your card.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Me mum's marrying Kyle.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Eh? Glen. You can't have a go, he's upset.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Glen! No. No, it isn't fair.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50She rung us this morning.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52It's official now.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55He's out on his arse, once and for all.
0:19:04 > 0:19:11Look...wait! Dad, wait. Wait. Were you trying to humiliate me?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15No, I were looking after you. You make it sound like I were booted out.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20I have chosen to leave. Oh... That's great, then.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I mean, I just assumed it were all...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28That's brilliant. I bet it is.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Yes, I bet it is for you, and your mum, and the toy boy.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Now you can all nestle down together
0:19:33 > 0:19:36and start playing happy families without me, which is fine,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39cos your mum, she's not the only one to have attracted
0:19:39 > 0:19:43a bit of extra-curricular attention over the years.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48You just ask Maureen Noakes or Debbie Logan or Underpass Patty.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Any one of them would have had a piece of me
0:19:50 > 0:19:54if I'd just simply tooted my horn. Who are you...? Women, Glen.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58By God, they are women who have made it clear to me
0:19:58 > 0:20:01under no uncertain terms that should I like to pull up to the bumper,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03baby, with my long articulated lorry,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I would find ample parking space awaiting me.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Yeah, exactly. Except I always said, "No, I'm married".
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Except I'm not any more, am I?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16So, who shall I choose, Glen, to go with your new uncle Kyle?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Which one of the many lovely beauties
0:20:18 > 0:20:21will I finally give my honour to?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Maybe I should test drive all of them, eh, before I make a decision?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Cos what's good for the goose, Glen,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31what's good for the bleeding goose...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33COUNTRY ROCK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
0:20:52 > 0:20:54How many miles to the gallon you getting out of that, eh?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57More than you will when I piss in your diesel.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Malachi! Ey up, Deborah. How's it going?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05All the better for seeing you. Do you want the cardiac care?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08With extra sausage. We all like a bit of extra sausage, don't we?
0:21:08 > 0:21:14Mal, stop it! Kevin! So how's it going? Good. Busy at work, you know.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16All the changes. Otherwise, I'm mighty fine.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Got a lovely arse, Deborah. Mal! What?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Well, you have. You can't come over all innocent with me.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I've known you too long. Funny, actually. I was thinking earlier.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Do you remember when you had that caravan up on Snake Pass?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35That first Christmas you had it when it snowed?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39They were dropping food parcels, the RAF. Hey, Woodhead had it worse, though.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42What I remember most about it though, Debs, was me
0:21:42 > 0:21:46getting there and then not being able to get home... Or you, you know.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50No-one else around, just us two and 85 cheeseburgers.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52We were never going to starve, were we?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Mind, wasn't it a sod defrosting them?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Especially, I remember you saying to me,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"You'll perish in that cab, Malachi. You should come in the snack bar.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"We have to keep ourselves warm
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"and the loaves of Hovis make surprisingly comfortable pillows."
0:22:04 > 0:22:09And then when we was moving all the food out the way, you come across that can of squirty cream!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Malachi, whatever I did that night was not typical of me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Yeah, it was. That's why we all called you Dirty Debbie.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20All right, it was. But since then, I've altered.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25But you don't need to, Debs. I'm ready to give it a go. What?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Well, I'm just saying that if you was to invite me
0:22:27 > 0:22:30into your caravan of love tonight, for instance, and you wanted
0:22:30 > 0:22:32to get handy with the aerosol UHT a second time, I don't think
0:22:32 > 0:22:36you'd find me backwards at coming forwards, not on this occasion.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44Malachi! You're a lovely bloke. You know I think that, but...
0:22:44 > 0:22:48That was then and... Well, you don't change, Deborah, not overnight.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52It isn't overnight. It's... That were 20-odd years ago.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Was it? Yeah.
0:22:55 > 0:23:02And in that time, you do alter. Not you. Me. But I'm divorced now, Debs.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04That's what I'm saying. The impediment's gone.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05I can be all yours.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Right. Yeah.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Well...
0:23:16 > 0:23:20You mean, literally? Tonight?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Slip back here, have a dabble? Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30I can't. I'm going out with the girls. Riverdance.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33If you'd just give us some warning, you know,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I could have probably done something, but not at such short notice.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Ring me next time you're coming by and I'll tell you if I'm free or not.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44It's a lovely idea.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Here. Have the cob on the house.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51You look a bit peaky.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59ACOUSTIC COUNTRY GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Do you worry about putting weight on? Eh?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Or d'you have one of them fast metabolisms? What are you on about?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35The snacking. I don't snack.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Well, I might very occasionally have the odd banana or summat.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42You've had two chicken tikka slices, two bags of salt and vinegar
0:24:42 > 0:24:45and a pickled egg since you came in this morning. I don't think that's...
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Martin, I could go through the bin but neither of us will emerge from that with any credit.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Oh... What?
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Nothing, just these read-outs. Mal's.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02We've had trouble with the unit since we had it fitted. What you thinking?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05It must be faulty kit, that's all. What's it saying now?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07He's doing 62mph through the middle of Sheffield.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09He'd have had to take the restrictor off.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14I can call him. No, don't, don't. I don't want him thinking I'm on his case again.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19They've already got me pegged just below Hitler on the easy-going boss front.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Took him time to make it the success he did.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I'm not talking about success. I just don't want to ruin it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42BO DIDDLEY-STYLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
0:25:49 > 0:25:52TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Nice one, Wendy. And you pulled in an extra job today.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Same finishing time, all cos we've rationalised your hours.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Yes, I know. Good, just...making a point.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Good work, Glen. Top effort. Everything OK for you with the working hours?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Yeah, no trouble, no trouble. Well, I did get a bit confused at one point.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Hang on a minute, mate. Take that. And that one.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Plus that little mother. Christ, Glen. Michelle!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Got some trucker's Tizer here we need to get rid of.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Kept going over and over it, man.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Break when tipping, break when tipping.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Kept forgetting to get out and go to the loo.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Good work, Mal. How'd you get on? OK? Yeah, no problem.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Have you had a crash? What? What's happened? I can explain.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I did it all exactly as you said, apart from the last three.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I couldn't get them in my hours. I ran out of driving time.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It's this new roster of yours. You can't have worked it out properly.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30There is no other explanation. Yes, there is.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You stopped on the way for a new identity.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Is someone after you or summat? What are you on about? Look at you!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I were like this this morning. No, you weren't. You calling me a liar?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Yes.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Yeah, all right. I did break my day up a bit. How is it looking?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46They said you can get a bit of bruising with the Botox at first but it soon settles down.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49You need your money back. Eh? Dad!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Well, what'll please you is how it's lifted my mood
0:27:52 > 0:27:55and a happy worker is a productive worker, eh? What?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Come on! All that modern management bollocks, calling us "your people", the team building. I'm built.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02In fact, at Apple, I think
0:28:02 > 0:28:05plastic surgery is summat that they throw in, just like softball,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08you know, because they know that if you're happy on the outside,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10you go the extra mile on the inside.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Dad! Dad!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16What? It's a front, isn't it?
0:28:16 > 0:28:20All you acting up when actually you're down? It's cos I upset you first thing, isn't it?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Well, I'm sorry, but I think I've found a solution.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27What you need is a lifter with me. What? A lifter, Dad.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29It's what I do when I'm feeling a bit down.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I go home and have a shower with my all-over body wash, which is quite dear,
0:28:33 > 0:28:37so I only use it if Caroline's texted us and said, "It's guaranteed.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41"You're definitely going to get sexually gratified." But on a lifter day, I use it anyway.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43And I blow-dry my hair with Perma Putty,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45which is the Man Salon Male Grooming Product of the Year,
0:28:45 > 0:28:49which gives you a sort of firmness and styling capability without looking too caked-on,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52then I step into my straight-cut jeans, my favourite shirt,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54vintage sneakers, and I'm off.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I go out and I'm walking around the town,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59maybe have a pint in one of the pubs off the Market Square,
0:28:59 > 0:29:02maybe nip into Dario's and have a coffee because it tastes different at night.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Then I'm out again in no time. I'm out there. I'm buzzing around.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09I'm milling around with all the people because that's what sorts you out, Dad.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13That's what a lifter does. It makes you feel alive.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19But I am sorted, Glen. Honest.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I'm glad to hear you talk like that,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24same way as I'm glad that you want this situation with me
0:29:24 > 0:29:27and your mum to reach an 'appy conclusion all round.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30It means you're growing up, son. We're all growing up.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50'Sue Davies to the lingerie department.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54'Sue Davies to the lingerie department.' I'm coming, I'm coming.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14What's happened to your face? Oh, yeah. It was a lot worse.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17I made a baby cry in Sheffield! And your hair?
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Now, that one has hit the spot, hasn't it? First time.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Valhalla black. It was a Goth place next door to the tanning salon,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25so I thought, you know, get yourself properly fettled, you know.
0:30:25 > 0:30:30Like a full valet in the cab, and then you can move on. Move on? Yeah.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37With thanks. For helping me to see the error of my ways and for giving me a wake-up call.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40I'm going to go part-time, and get that strimmer you've been banging on about
0:30:40 > 0:30:42so I can do the back garden.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46I'm going to stop going to Truckfest and I'm going to take you to Venice cos I can see the fact that
0:30:46 > 0:30:49you can't drive a 44-tonner down the main road without it sinking.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52That isn't a reason not to go. Malachi!
0:30:53 > 0:30:59It's too late. It's too late for all of that.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01I don't love you any more.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I'm going to cherish you, Sue.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08And I'm going to look after you and I'm going to fuss you.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12You're everything to me, Sue. That's why I'm telling you.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14I let you down.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17But I can alter, I can be what you want.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I'm doing it now, I'm here, with you, sod tomorrow -
0:31:19 > 0:31:22a multi-drop round Mansfield and an overnighter in Perth -
0:31:22 > 0:31:23I'm not even thinking about it.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25I'm here. In the present.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Don't...leave me...please.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Here. I've sorted it.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41I've sorted the book.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42There.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10NOISY BAR HUBBUB Bloody good idea, son. Top man.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12And the light's quite forgiving, isn't it? Cosmetically.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17Any road, my shout! Same again? Now? Same again?
0:32:17 > 0:32:18Well, yeah - five to 11!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21So? Everywhere is open until four.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25I know that!
0:32:25 > 0:32:26Over here, mate!
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Ey up.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32You all right? Yeah! Great. Buzzin'!
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Can't wait to throw a few shapes, soon as I hear one I recognise.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39You wait till we get in The Boudoir.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42It's a club.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43Yeah, it is.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46I were just saying to Glen, I can't wait to go, either.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Yeah, the music is better than in here. Still...
0:32:49 > 0:32:52it's not bad, this place, is it?
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Yeah, I told him, it used to be an abattoir. Really? Yeah!
0:32:56 > 0:33:01Made their own pork pies. Delicious! All the way through the '70s. Oh.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Me dad were telling me.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Well, I'm ever so pleased you came out with us.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Yeah, me too.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09I love meeting lorry drivers, I do.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Do you?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Well, yeah, I mean, I get that a lot.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16But then it is a fascinating job.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Plenty of scope for...
0:33:18 > 0:33:19travelling...
0:33:19 > 0:33:21an' delivering.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Oh, you are like the kings of the wild frontier, aren't you?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27I say that a lot! You know, when people say, "What do I do?"
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Must get lonely though, at times, mustn't it?
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Then I bet you're tempted a lot, aren't you?
0:33:32 > 0:33:35When you're out on the road with the women. Bet they flock around you!
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Well...
0:33:36 > 0:33:41Yeah, I mean, it is an occupational hazard. But you deal with it.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Oh, I bet you do.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Hey, saucy! It's Suzy.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51No, yeah, yeah, I know that. No, I were just saying...
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Right, well, I'll see you later then, Glen's dad.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Glen! Yo.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09Did I bang my head on the way in here? No, why? No reason.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12No, I think I will have another drink. You sure?
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Yeah, it's time we pushed on through.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20MUSIC: "Drinking from the Bottle" by Calvin Harris, feat. Tinie Tempah
0:34:20 > 0:34:22# We kiss, we fight
0:34:22 > 0:34:24# All so we can have a good time - yeah!
0:34:24 > 0:34:27# I'm in here, busy looking for the next top model
0:34:27 > 0:34:29# Who's wearing something new
0:34:29 > 0:34:31# With something old and something borrowed
0:34:31 > 0:34:35# I know this crazy life can be a bitter pill to swallow
0:34:35 > 0:34:37# So forget about tomorrow
0:34:37 > 0:34:38# Tonight
0:34:38 > 0:34:40# We're drinking from the bottle
0:34:53 > 0:34:56# We're drinking from the bottle... #
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Cheers.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13You're giving it some, aren't you?
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Feeling good, son. Supercharged!
0:35:15 > 0:35:16Yeah?
0:35:16 > 0:35:20Cos I thought you'd peaked a bit early, you know, back in t'bar.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23No, no, just getting in my stride.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Have you taken drugs? Yeah.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34But I've had 'em all, so if you want any
0:35:34 > 0:35:36you're going to have to buy your own.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I don't use them. I thought all your lot did. Yeah, well, I don't.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Where'd you get 'em? Bloke in the bog. Far trap.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47It were like Boots inside! Christ.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50What you had? 50 quid's worth.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53No, WHAT you had?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56I dunno, just 50 quid's worth. Look, son, I'm fine.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Don't worry. In fact, I'm great.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00It was the whole point, wasn't it? You were right.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I did need this, so don't put the mockers on now.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06Besides which, that Suzy's up for it, I'm telling you.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09And if there's one thing that'll keep your dad on the sunny side of the street,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11it's giving his pipes a good clean out!
0:36:11 > 0:36:15For which I'm going to need every bit of me energy, all right?
0:36:15 > 0:36:16I know. Mwah!
0:36:36 > 0:36:37Ladies.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Doesn't seem to be enough room for both of us,
0:36:47 > 0:36:51but you get in there, and I'll wait for the next one. It won't be long.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54It's not that cold, is it? No. That ain't right.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57I'll stay with you. We'll stick together.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Night, son.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03That's very supportive of you. I appreciate it.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07In fact, I'd like to buy you a latte to say thank you.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08If there's anywhere still open.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Yeah, OK.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Well, I think hotels are probably our best bet, cos they serve all night.
0:37:16 > 0:37:21Of course we might have to get a room to give the impression that we're residents, but... No.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26That's a good idea. Let's do that.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27Come on.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Not cold, are you? No, I'm fine. Right.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I am going to make you scream.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Yeah, whatever you fancy, don't let me stop you.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57Straight to it is an approach I like.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Now, you're not to be too put off by my leopard-print thong.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04I mean, I thought when I were buying it it was borderline bad taste, but...
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Malachi?
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Stop talking, and come here.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Nice...!
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Yeah? I want it.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Oh, you do. Yeah, you really do.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26What you doing? Oh, I'm just logging the moment.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Just putting it somewhere where I won't forget it.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Me, Malachi Davies, with a bloody goddess, who looks like a Page 3 model,
0:38:33 > 0:38:35who's half my age, and who's up for anything.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41You are a prostitute. What?
0:38:41 > 0:38:44You're a hooker, aren't you? That's why it worked out.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46That's why the bloke at the desk greeted you like a long lost...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48Malachi... I kept saying to myself -
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"This can't be real, it's too perfect."
0:38:51 > 0:38:53And it is. You're a prostitute, Suzy!
0:38:55 > 0:38:56I know that!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Oh, shite!
0:39:02 > 0:39:03Hey...
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Come on, I mean...
0:39:06 > 0:39:08It's all right, we can still...
0:39:08 > 0:39:12I thought you were a mate of Glen's? I am. We were at school together.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I mean, I operate out of Knightsbridge now, but I still come back loads.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17And it's my sister's confirmation this weekend,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19so I organised a night out with the gang.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Which meant that when you rang Glen
0:39:21 > 0:39:23to say you fancied letting your hair down a bit,
0:39:23 > 0:39:24you could get straight onto me
0:39:24 > 0:39:27and I could come and...make the night extra-special for you.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Glen did it? He set it all up?
0:39:30 > 0:39:35And he paid for it. Well, he's doing it in instalments.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37How much is it? A grand.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38What?!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Excuse me! I'm top-end, Malachi.
0:39:40 > 0:39:41I am currently involved
0:39:41 > 0:39:44in three separate Premier League super-injunctions.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You're getting the best of the best,
0:39:46 > 0:39:48and I gave him family and friends' discount.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50No, I'm sorry... It just seemed like a lot.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Well, it's not...what I can do.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57So come on. A goal's a goal in here.
0:39:57 > 0:40:02Even if it does go in off your kneecap when you're not looking, you still scored. Yeah, I know that.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05And...you're still up for it.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09I've had seven Viagra - bloke at the club.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10I thought he said one of them were Viagra,
0:40:10 > 0:40:12but I think it's safe to say they all were.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Well, all the more reason, then.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17This is his mum, this is.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I mean, most lads, when they want to cheer their dads up,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21they get them a set of golf balls or summat.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23But not my Glen - he goes straight for bleeding broke.
0:40:23 > 0:40:28And that's her...that's Sue. All or nothing.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31He's a good boy.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35And he's hers. He's hers to the core.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41What am I doing here...with you?
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Don't. You're being daft.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47Look, I don't mean to seem ungrateful or nothing,
0:40:47 > 0:40:50but...I don't feel like it no more.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Oh....ah...!
0:41:01 > 0:41:02What's the matter?
0:41:02 > 0:41:07I can't get these over my thing and I'm getting a headache.
0:41:07 > 0:41:08Let me...
0:41:11 > 0:41:13All right?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18HE GRUNTS
0:41:20 > 0:41:21Oh...!
0:41:31 > 0:41:33All right. Well...
0:41:33 > 0:41:35It was nice to meet you anyway, Mr Davies.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Say hello to Mrs Davies, cos she was my Brown Owl.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I wondered whether you'd remember me, actually -
0:41:42 > 0:41:45I used to get a lift back with her every now and again.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24I'm agitated. I eat when I'm agitated, all right?
0:42:24 > 0:42:25I never said a word.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30You were looking. You've got a very accusative face.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33I'd have another slice, if I was you.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36Just get me Mal, will you? He's disappeared.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37He can't have disappeared,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39he's in a 44-tonne articulated lorry.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Well, he's not answering his phone
0:42:40 > 0:42:42or replying to any of the texts I send him
0:42:42 > 0:42:45and he's certainly not showing up on our brand-new GPS system -
0:42:45 > 0:42:48or rather, he is, but in Plymouth and Sunderland
0:42:48 > 0:42:49at exactly the same time.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Glen, we can't get hold of your dad. I know. Nor can I.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Well, he would've had an accident or summat.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Just wait for the cops to give us a call. What's he playing at?
0:42:58 > 0:43:00I thought he'd be first in from now on.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03I thought he'd want to put a marker down, you know?
0:43:03 > 0:43:06"The Botox was a temporary aberration. I am a team player."
0:43:06 > 0:43:07Glen, don't rise to the bait.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10He hasn't evened his blood sugar levels out yet, that's all. Eh?
0:43:10 > 0:43:13You never get fed at home, do you? Cos of that skinny missus of yours.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Excuse me! I... When was the last time you had solids?
0:43:15 > 0:43:17At your own house?
0:43:20 > 0:43:22Look, I just think that your dad... Hey!
0:43:22 > 0:43:24It isn't my fault, is it?
0:43:24 > 0:43:26I'm here. I'm doing my bit.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29I know where he was, and he left early,
0:43:29 > 0:43:32cos...Suzy rang me, said she was worried about him.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34Who's Suzy? Suzy Hart.
0:43:34 > 0:43:38Hart the Tart? She is NOT a tart.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40She takes money for sex, Glen. How would you define it?
0:43:40 > 0:43:42What was she doing with your dad, then?
0:43:43 > 0:43:45I don't know, they just...
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Yeah, they bumped into each other.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51What - like, repeatedly? While they were both naked?
0:43:51 > 0:43:52I...
0:43:52 > 0:43:54Oh, Glen, tell me you didn't set Malachi up.
0:43:54 > 0:43:55Please, just tell me that.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59Look, you saw how miserable he was.
0:43:59 > 0:44:00I just...
0:44:00 > 0:44:02Oh, no - do not finish that sentence.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05At the same time, if it were that or a pickled egg -
0:44:05 > 0:44:08which I know is your particular favourite when you're feeling down -
0:44:08 > 0:44:11personally, I'd be with Mal, I'd take the jump every time.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13She's very accomplished - she plays violin.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15I don't care if she plays up front for County - where is he?
0:44:15 > 0:44:17There's stuff from yesterday to catch up with,
0:44:17 > 0:44:19never mind today... ALL RIGHT! Flippin' heck!
0:44:19 > 0:44:21All of you, nag, nag, nag!
0:44:21 > 0:44:25I am concerned about him, father to son...
0:44:26 > 0:44:27..to prostitute.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49"Sexual Bliss." Sexual bleeding bliss -
0:44:49 > 0:44:51you're getting plenty of that at the moment, aren't you, Kyle?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53You bastard!
0:44:53 > 0:44:54Oh...!
0:45:01 > 0:45:04Oi! What's going on?
0:45:04 > 0:45:07I were going to try having sexual intercourse with this shop.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17What are you on about, "missing"? I saw him yesterday.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19He won't be missing, love.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21He's probably passed out somewhere, laying in his own mess.
0:45:21 > 0:45:24You'd think that, wouldn't you? It's just I saw him last night
0:45:24 > 0:45:26and...we went out on the town together.
0:45:26 > 0:45:28You and your dad? Yeah, just for a few beers, and...
0:45:28 > 0:45:34we got separated and he ended up going off...with a mate of mine.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37And he said... I mean, I spoke to him this morning
0:45:37 > 0:45:39and he said Dad was dead emotional.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42He even used the S-word, Mum. Shit-faced?
0:45:42 > 0:45:44No! Suicidal. Your dad was?
0:45:44 > 0:45:47I know. It's hard to imagine, but...
0:45:47 > 0:45:49she was...he was adamant, and...
0:45:51 > 0:45:55The thing is, I happen to know there was more than just drink in his system. Drugs?
0:45:57 > 0:46:00No...not Dad. I mean...
0:46:02 > 0:46:03..dodgy kebab, probably.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06But his system were definitely overloaded,
0:46:06 > 0:46:08so I just thought we should, you know...check
0:46:08 > 0:46:10and make sure that he's all right. How?
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Well, I'm still out of town,
0:46:12 > 0:46:15so I thought...maybe on your next break, you could...
0:46:15 > 0:46:17Have a nosey around? Would you?
0:46:17 > 0:46:20Gomorrah's, The Dervish...you know, the usual places.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23I should never have set off, really. I don't know what I was thinking.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26Glen, he'll be fine. I'll get on to it.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28Thanks, Mum.
0:46:41 > 0:46:46Absolutely. Of course. I'm sorry - I'll get someone straight round.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48Thank you.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Sanderson's. Oh, bollocks.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52PHONE RINGS
0:46:57 > 0:46:58Hello, Banks of England.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Oh, I beg your pardon.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Yeah, we're a driver light, but I'll get someone on it ASAP.
0:47:08 > 0:47:09Thank you very much.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Fawcett's. Fawcett's? That's...
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Christ. That's Wendy.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18You said, "Try and share Mal's out."
0:47:18 > 0:47:20Not so everyone else fell behind an' all!
0:47:35 > 0:47:37CAR ENGINE STARTS
0:47:51 > 0:47:52HORN HONKS
0:47:52 > 0:47:53Oh! Jesus...
0:47:53 > 0:47:55HORN HONKS AGAIN
0:47:55 > 0:47:56Bloody idiot!
0:47:59 > 0:48:01HORN HONKS
0:48:05 > 0:48:06HONKS CONTINUE
0:48:06 > 0:48:08ENGINE REVS
0:48:21 > 0:48:22Bloody hell.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25Martin! I think I found Mal.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32HONKING CONTINUES
0:48:58 > 0:48:59Argh!
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Sue! Sue, it's me. What's the matter?
0:49:12 > 0:49:14Argh! Kyle?
0:49:14 > 0:49:16It's Malachi. He's trying to kill me!
0:49:16 > 0:49:18You what? He's trying to run me off the road, Sue.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22Sue! Sue...
0:49:22 > 0:49:24He's had a bad kebab. He's...
0:49:24 > 0:49:28Argh! Oh, God...
0:49:28 > 0:49:31Just...get him somewhere built up, where you can't go fast,
0:49:31 > 0:49:33where there are witnesses.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35Oh, God. Have you tried your tantric breathing?
0:49:35 > 0:49:37Yeah, now ain't the time, Sue.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39Get him to the marketplace, I'll meet you there.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41HORN HONKS
0:49:44 > 0:49:46You are joking?! I'm not.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49With Suzy Hart? Yes.
0:49:49 > 0:49:51LAUGHING: That is unbelievable.
0:49:51 > 0:49:54No...it seemed like a good idea at the time.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57No, it's a good idea. It's dead touching.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59I just can't believe Mal ran off.
0:49:59 > 0:50:00Such a twat.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Does that mean you're not going to help me?
0:50:02 > 0:50:04Cos Mum said he's headed for town.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06Of course I'm going to help you.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08Yeah? Yeah.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12He's a twat, but he's our twat, ain't he?
0:50:12 > 0:50:13Yeah.
0:50:25 > 0:50:28What's he doing now? About 80 towards the city centre.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38Who's that? Steven.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43He's supposed to be out tramping again tonight.
0:50:43 > 0:50:44So is Wendy.
0:50:46 > 0:50:47Glen an' all.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Wh... And Bob!
0:50:52 > 0:50:55Christ, it's the whole bloody yard in full retreat.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57I'll text them. Tell them all to get back on track.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03No. No, don't bother.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Martin, we'll lose the whole day, the way it's shaping up now.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07No...it's a crisis, innit?
0:51:07 > 0:51:09The cavalry's piling in. It's clear.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11We should maybe see if we can help an' all.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Martin? What? He's headed straight for Slab Square.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28TYRES SCREECH
0:51:41 > 0:51:43TYRES SQUEAL
0:51:50 > 0:51:52Bloody idiot! What do you think you're doing?!
0:51:57 > 0:51:58Mal?
0:52:00 > 0:52:01What have you done to your face?
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Shut up! I don't want to hear another word -
0:52:03 > 0:52:05you've caused enough trouble.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08I just want you to know, to see, that it's me - Malachi Davies -
0:52:08 > 0:52:09who's done for you in the end.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11Done for? I said shut up!
0:52:11 > 0:52:14And remember this, you'll be old and redundant one day.
0:52:14 > 0:52:15Will I? What?
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Well, will I be old, or are you going to run us over?
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Cos you're sending mixed messages, mate.
0:52:19 > 0:52:21Well...
0:52:21 > 0:52:24Why am I here, Mal? To tell you you haven't won.
0:52:24 > 0:52:25Cos I'm still going.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27And just because you've got the girl and house
0:52:27 > 0:52:30and my lad seems quite keen, too, that doesn't mean you beat me.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32Cos I know who I am.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33And all right, I'm not perfect,
0:52:33 > 0:52:35and I did try and shag your shop this morning,
0:52:35 > 0:52:38which probably wasn't my finest hour, but generally,
0:52:38 > 0:52:41when I look at myself, I'm not ashamed. And that's summat.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45And one day, Kyle, off in the future, you'll have to look at yourself
0:52:45 > 0:52:46and ask how you've measured up.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49Cos we all have to do it in the end - face that day of reckoning,
0:52:49 > 0:52:51when you stare at the man in the mirror and you ask him,
0:52:51 > 0:52:53flat out, "Who am I?"
0:52:53 > 0:52:55"What do I amount to?"
0:53:09 > 0:53:10Well, here you go.
0:53:14 > 0:53:14Here you go.
0:53:16 > 0:53:17Malachi Davis...
0:53:19 > 0:53:20..in all his glory.
0:53:20 > 0:53:22CROWD OOHS AND LAUGHS
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Yeah - this is me.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Ecce... Oh, what is it? Ecce...
0:53:28 > 0:53:31Oh, bugger, it's above the door when you walk in The King's Head.
0:53:31 > 0:53:32"Ecce..." Well, whatever.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35This is Malachi. And you know what? I'm all right with it.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38And that's why you're here - to witness this.
0:53:38 > 0:53:39To witness me.
0:53:39 > 0:53:43Cos as poor a specimen as I am, I have earned this place on Earth
0:53:43 > 0:53:46and I have earned some respect because of it.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Because this has come from years of getting up early
0:53:49 > 0:53:52and going to bed late and trying to have a laugh
0:53:52 > 0:53:54and trying to make a living and trying to bring my kid up right
0:53:54 > 0:53:56and trying to love my wife,
0:53:56 > 0:53:59and it takes its fucking toll, being alive.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02And fair enough, I didn't always get it right.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04I know that - not with my wife, any road.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06But I'm not a bad man.
0:54:07 > 0:54:11I'm vain and I'm lazy and I do hate facing up to responsibility
0:54:11 > 0:54:14and I am never happier than when I'm sitting in my cab on the M8
0:54:14 > 0:54:16with the sun streaming in through my front window.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19But despite all that, I have earned it.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22This. So you won't beat me.
0:54:22 > 0:54:25The tyranny of youth will not beat me.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28Bad spray tans which they guarantee will make you look fantastic
0:54:28 > 0:54:31for winning your ex-wife back again, they won't beat me.
0:54:31 > 0:54:32Not Botox injections
0:54:32 > 0:54:36as performed by the bloody Stevie Wonder clinic in Sheffield,
0:54:36 > 0:54:38similarly sold as an effective way
0:54:38 > 0:54:39of making you look like a million dollars
0:54:39 > 0:54:41for your heartfelt reconciliation.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43They won't beat me either.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46None will defeat me.
0:54:48 > 0:54:52Ecce homo!
0:54:52 > 0:54:54WHISTLING AND CHEERING
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Go on, Dad!
0:55:21 > 0:55:23It'll have to go to the magistrates' court,
0:55:23 > 0:55:26but the solicitor's confident he can get us off with a fine.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28The main thing, there was no booze or drugs in my system -
0:55:28 > 0:55:30well, Viagra, but that don't count.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33You couldn't just drop us a note, could you?
0:55:33 > 0:55:36"I think I'll be all right now, Sue, I've worked my way through it."
0:55:36 > 0:55:38I don't like Kyle. He's a nice man.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40That's what I don't like.
0:55:40 > 0:55:42I wish it could have been easier for you.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44So do I.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46Except I remember you saying to me once,
0:55:46 > 0:55:48after you'd had our Glen,
0:55:48 > 0:55:51you were laying with him in the bed...
0:55:51 > 0:55:53"The reason it's so painful
0:55:53 > 0:55:55"is you never forget how valuable they are."
0:55:57 > 0:55:59Just forgive me, will you?
0:55:59 > 0:56:02I never meant to let you down, honest.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04I do love you.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06And I got careless with it.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09Come here.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Smooth.
0:56:17 > 0:56:18Oi, psycho.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23Steven? Were you expecting someone else?
0:56:23 > 0:56:24No, I just wasn't expecting you.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Yeah, well, I rang up a couple of times.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28I knew when they were tipping you out, so...
0:56:28 > 0:56:32Hey. Bloody hell, Mal - it's not like I've given you one of my kidneys.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35I just thought you were at a loose end, you know - lift? Bed?
0:56:36 > 0:56:38Oh...
0:56:38 > 0:56:42It's tough, innit? When you can't have what you want.
0:56:43 > 0:56:47Well, it's not for long, yeah? Just till you get back on your feet.
0:56:47 > 0:56:48Come on, then. I've got food at home.
0:56:48 > 0:56:50You've cooked?
0:56:50 > 0:56:51No. Takeaway.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53I put the plates out, so it feels like it.
0:56:56 > 0:56:58Hey, you know when you hugged me?
0:56:58 > 0:57:00That log-on... Oh, nowt to do with you.
0:57:00 > 0:57:03It's the drugs, still. Even if I sneeze, you know...
0:57:03 > 0:57:05What about pudding, you got that? Pudding?
0:57:05 > 0:57:08You know - Bakewell tart or crumble.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11I love a rhubarb crumble.
0:57:11 > 0:57:13What am I? A bloody hotel? Well, no, it's just...
0:57:13 > 0:57:16If you think you can pick up the phone in the middle of the night
0:57:16 > 0:57:19and somebody will bring you up a warm cup of milk...
0:57:19 > 0:57:20I'm not saying that, Steven.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23I'm just saying, if you're going to offer hospitality,
0:57:23 > 0:57:24you should do it properly...
0:57:26 > 0:57:29You think me wanting to be a fitness model is a bit of a hobby?
0:57:29 > 0:57:31They're saucy. A bit "How's your father?"
0:57:31 > 0:57:33They're pornographic. Porn?!
0:57:33 > 0:57:36What's your problem? You are!
0:57:36 > 0:57:38How long are you going to keep this up for?
0:57:38 > 0:57:41Sabotage, coming in with pure ethanol in your veins.
0:57:41 > 0:57:42When you follow a god,
0:57:42 > 0:57:45you'll disappoint always by comparison, aren't you?
0:57:45 > 0:57:47Pele. Mike Pele.
0:57:47 > 0:57:49You have been busy. You stand there and you accuse my dad...
0:57:49 > 0:57:52I'm not. You're accusing him of cooking the books.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54So go. Piss off.
0:57:54 > 0:57:56You're fired.
0:58:20 > 0:58:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd