0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hello everyone, I'm Len Goodman.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Relax, it's Christmas! The paddles are put away,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08no-one's getting points tonight.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12I'm just putting my feet up and enjoying my perfect Christmas.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14It's Christmas!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16CHEERING
0:00:22 > 0:00:24# Gifts I'm preparing
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# For some Christmas sharing
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# But I pause because
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Who's there? Who is it?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Stopping for a visit?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37# 'Zat you, Santa Claus? #
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Ah-ho-ho-ho!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's only here again - Christmas.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51I absolutely love it.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Plotted up by the tree,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56glass of bubbly, bowl of nuts, bit of cheese,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59all set to enjoy the day.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02But I tell you what, it's been a bit of a slog getting here, hasn't it?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05There's cards to write, decorations to put up,
0:01:05 > 0:01:10presents to buy, walnuts to pickle, parties to go to...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Actually, that bit's all right.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13I'm a party person.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Talking about Christmas, we had our Christmas party the other night.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Oh, yeah?- Up the club.- Yeah.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Funny old do it was, funny old do.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- It's always the same, every year, you know.- Yeah.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Always takes the form of an egg and...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Egg and, what, egg and spoon race?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32No. No, takes the form of an eg...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Egon Ronay banquet?- No. No.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- An egg and chips supper.- Oh, yeah.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Egg and chips supper. Oh, yeah.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I always take the wife along, cos she's very useful for laying the...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Laying the eggs?- No, no.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Oh, no, no, no. Very useful for laying the...
0:01:46 > 0:01:47What, laying the foreman? What?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- No?- No! Laying the table! - Oh, laying the table.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- She lays the table! - Oh, right, I see.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Ally!- Hello, Mark.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Fabulous party.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- Well, a party is only as good as its guests.- Oh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Have you met Simon?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- No. Hello, I'm Ally. - Hello, I'm Simon Green.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06I'm managing director of Hobson's.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, nice to meet you.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I'm just on my way to the kitchen. Can I get anyone a drink?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- OK, I'll have a lager.- OK. - Yeah, I'll have a Coke. Thanks.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16OK, would you like me to take your hat?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:21I'm sorry?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Would you like me to hang your hat up?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It's getting quite warm in here.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'm not wearing a hat.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Hmm?!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32No, I didn't mean THAT!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37That's not a hat!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40That's your...hair.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# Might like to know
0:02:44 > 0:02:45# He's put a great big smile
0:02:45 > 0:02:48# On somebody's face... #
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Love this song.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52SHE SHRIEKS
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Doreen, Doreen, shall I do my trick now?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Oh... No, Colin.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I think you'd probably regret it tomorrow when you come to work.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You know, you're so funny, anyway,
0:03:01 > 0:03:02you don't need to do that sort of thing.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is, all the lights'll be off.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Nobody will know it's me.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Colin, who else here is likely to take all their clothes off
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and colour in their private parts with a fluorescent marker
0:03:13 > 0:03:14and dance on the table?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Maybe you're right! I am the maddest person here!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"The bells, the bells, they're driving me crazy!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Colin, you do make me laugh. - Here, watch this.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26# Make 'em laugh
0:03:26 > 0:03:28# Make 'em laugh Do-do-do... #
0:03:28 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36HE WHISTLES
0:03:36 > 0:03:37But for some people,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41the run-up to Christmas is like a military operation.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh, the women...the women.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48You can see they get that, sort of, organisational look in their eye.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Just completely obsessed with planning.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"I've got to get ready, I've got to get ready.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53"I've got so much to think about."
0:03:53 > 0:03:57It happens, I think, at the final firework on Fireworks Night.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00When you have the finale...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Then the smoke clears and you see all the woman going,
0:04:02 > 0:04:03"Christmas!"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Got to start getting ready for Christmas, now.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09"Christmas is coming.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"Don't talk to me, I'm thinking, I'm planning. I need...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"There's so much to do, darling!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I have bought enough food to last until January 19,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24because your father thinks we might get snowed in.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25I haven't done that kind of panic buy
0:04:25 > 0:04:28since Labour won the election in '97.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and a root vegetable appendix section.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35So should I die,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37you'll know how to make parsnip soup.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Quickly now, dear.- Oh, all right.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Think hard, you've only got one minute left.- All right.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- OK, a luxury ladies' and gents' car coat.- Yes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Erm...a cuddly toy. Cuddly toy!- Yes.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Oh, you put music in it. It does music...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Gramophone thing!- Yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54- Erm, cuddly toy, I've said that.- Yes.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Oh, two tickets for Phantom of the Opera.- Good.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- Oh, kiddies' pencil case set.- Yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Drinking, drinking...
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Champ... Champagne.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- What about the dogs?- Oh, dog leashes and basket.- Yes, yes.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Cuddly toy, I've said. Weekend break to the Isle of Man.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Yes.- A towel set. - Cleaning up, you'll need to clean up.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Oh, Dustbuster!- Good.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Hurry! Hurry!- Oh, don't!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Ice cream maker.- Yes.- Cuddly toy!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- That's it, sorry.- Oh, no! - That's the deadline. - I've forgotten the mixer.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- That is your Christmas list for this year.- All right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:30To be honest, I can't stay like this, done up like a dog's dinner.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31I mean, it's Christmas.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I've got to relax. I've got to chill out a bit.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Hold on a minute, will you?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, that's better!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Of course, for the perfect Christmas, you need a tree.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45But it can't be just any old tree.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It's got to be the one absolutely perfect,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51just right, tickle your fancy,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53knock your socks off Christmas tree.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I tell you what, good luck with that!
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Plastique?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's very realistic.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief for Father Crimbo, darling,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06but not for that bare old hairbrush. Come on!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07It's ecological.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Until you burn it!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Hideous, sweetheart, hideous. Anyway, I've...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- What have you done?- Nothing.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17CHAIN SAW ROARS No, it's a surprise!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19No! It's a surprise!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Let me in.- It's a surprise!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22- Mum, let me in!- No.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30There you go.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I had to take the top off, to fit it in.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Two for the price of one! - Oh, thank you. Cheers.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36See you, then.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Cor, it didn't look that big in the forest, darling.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Anyway, it would just have ended up as cheap furniture in IKEA
0:06:43 > 0:06:46if it wasn't here, darling. I promise you.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47We've got such a lot to look forward to.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50There's a concert coming up and the carol service and the tree.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Yes, very useful, that tree.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Useful?- Yeah, for stashing Christmas contraband.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57All them dingly-danglies hide a multitude of sins, you know.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Even the fairy on the top's got 2oz of tobacco stuffed up her tutu.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Turning the lights on now, then, Margaret.- Ooh, lovely.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- You ready then?- Yes, yes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Turning them on now, dear.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Michael, for goodness' sake!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23SHE SCREAMS
0:07:23 > 0:07:25SHE SCREAMS AGAIN
0:07:25 > 0:07:28SHE SCREAMS ANEW
0:07:28 > 0:07:29SHE SCREAMS ONCE MORE
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- I'm just popping out. - SHE SCREAMS AGAIN
0:07:33 > 0:07:35It is estimated that, every year,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37British men spend 60 million man-hours
0:07:37 > 0:07:40decorating Christmas trees by hand.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Now, we like to pretend that it is a joyous, tinselly communion
0:07:43 > 0:07:44in the bosom of the family.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47But it isn't. Let's be honest, it's dullsville.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51So I asked Sim, our Socrates of the socket set,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54to bring some military thinking to bear on this problem.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Loaded.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Pressurise.- Charge.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Full bar, fire at will.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14THEY LAUGH
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Well, that's one way of getting your baubles
0:08:16 > 0:08:18into them hard-to-reach places.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's all right for most of us.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Come Christmas Eve, the hard work's done
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and it's all downhill to Albert Square.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But if you wear your collar back to front,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31things can get very stressful.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yes, even the most righteous among us
0:08:34 > 0:08:37can snap like a Communion wafer.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41# On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44# Five gold rings... #
0:08:44 > 0:08:47No, no, he didn't.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48# Ten office parties
0:08:48 > 0:08:50# 5,000 mince pies
0:08:50 > 0:08:52# 45 hospital visits
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# One multi-faith ecumenical event
0:08:55 > 0:08:58# Too much to do!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies
0:09:00 > 0:09:03# More mince pies
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies
0:09:05 > 0:09:08# More mince pies
0:09:08 > 0:09:10# And they cost 2.90 for six
0:09:10 > 0:09:12# Can you believe that?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies
0:09:14 > 0:09:16# More mince pies
0:09:16 > 0:09:18# Can you believe it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21# Five gold rings! #
0:09:24 > 0:09:27But once you've made it through Midnight Mass, it's job done.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Have a rest, get a bit of kip.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Now, it's all up to the big guy in the red suit.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36MUSIC: "The First Noel"
0:09:44 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Bear with me, guv, I'm working.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11O', o', o'. Merry Christmas.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16- Did you send me a letter? - Yes.- That's right, I remember.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- What was it you asked me for again? - An Xbox.- That's right, I remember.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Now, I don't want to disappoint you,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24but I reckon the Xbox is a bit pie in the sky, like.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27You'd be better off lowering your expectations.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I'm thinking Sega Mega Drive, maybe a PlayStation 1.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But when you open it, try and look surprised, cos your mother's been
0:10:34 > 0:10:37through enough this year without you sulking all over the shop.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Now, let's get you all tucked up
0:10:40 > 0:10:43and I'll tell you the story of Father Christmas.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Now, every Christmas Eve, Santa loads up his sled with
0:10:45 > 0:10:48presents that his little elves have been busy making all year long.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Then, he hitches up his reindeer, flies from his grotto in Jalandhar,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- to deliver gifts... - Where's his grotto?- Jalandhar.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- But I thought Santa lives in the North Pole.- India!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Father Christmas - Indian! Think about it.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Big beard, huge belly, terrible suit - Indian!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Last year was a disaster.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I put me stocking up and all I've got was a pair of Odor-Eaters.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I hope what I get what I want this year. Did you?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- Don't you just love it? - No, I hate it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27In fact, I've just abolished it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- I'm sorry?- I'm going to block up the chimneys,
0:11:31 > 0:11:36burn all the crackers and kill anyone I see carrying a present.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40What's that, Edmund?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42This?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43It's a window.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- A window?- Yes, but you seem to have one here, so, sorry.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Well, so much for that.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- BALDRICK:- Oh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:06So your present to us is a goat?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12The desert is encroaching on Sub-Saharan villages
0:12:12 > 0:12:15and for them, a goat makes a huge difference.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18So it's a present to the Sub-Saharans?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Well, no, it's yours. But it's them who get to use it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- So it's definitely my goat.- Yeah.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- Actually, Karen, if you don't mind... - All right, then.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Oh, you shouldn't have bothered. - Can't afford it.- No.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Actually, have a look at them first, mate.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Oh.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- The loom.- I can safely say...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53that, on the right occasion,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56these will be the perfect things to wear.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59What occasion will that be?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Can't think of it, at the moment, but they're lovely.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04This is for me, is it? Isn't that beautiful.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'm going home now.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17"To the best dad and husband in the world,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"from your loving family."
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Sky?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Sky TV.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You've got me Sky TV?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45200 channels! Ho-ho!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Before we indulge, let's take a moment to flex our vocal cords
0:13:50 > 0:13:54with a good old Christmas sing-song.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56# Good King Wenceslas... #
0:13:56 > 0:13:57I'll leave it to the experts.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06# Good King Wenceslas last looked out
0:14:06 > 0:14:09# On the Feast of Stephen
0:14:09 > 0:14:13# There's Miranda laying about
0:14:13 > 0:14:16# On the Feast of Stephen
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# Stuffing all the food she can
0:14:19 > 0:14:23# From the Feast of Stephen
0:14:23 > 0:14:26# I won't take her for my wife
0:14:26 > 0:14:31# Nor will I said Stephen. #
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Right, that's it, we're out of here.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Door.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Compliments of the season, sir.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45We have come to sing merrily and to make you a gift of a small pudding.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47ALL: # God bless Mr B at Christmas time
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# And Baby Jesus too
0:14:49 > 0:14:51# If we were little pigs we'd sing
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# Wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo
0:14:56 > 0:14:58# Oh piggy wiggy wiggy woo
0:14:58 > 0:14:59# Piggy wiggy woo
0:14:59 > 0:15:03# Oh piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo. #
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Utter crap.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10BOTH: # Good King Wenceslas last looked out
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# On the Feast of Stephen
0:15:12 > 0:15:13# As the snow lay round about
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Deep and crisp and even... #
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Oh, deep and crisp and even, sir, suits you. Oh, suits you, sir, Oh!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23One of the many wonderful things about Christmas is that
0:15:23 > 0:15:27the sun never actually rises above the yardarms to start with.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Ho-ho, here's to it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Cheers, me dears.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35What's good about Christmas Day is it's the one time
0:15:35 > 0:15:37where you can be an alcoholic.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38It's expected.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Cos it's the one time you can get up and drink sherry at half ten.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Anyone else during the rest of the year who drinks sherry at half ten
0:15:47 > 0:15:50in the morning normally spends the rest of the day
0:15:50 > 0:15:52sat on a bench shouting at buses.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Sue.- What?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57It's 11 in the morning.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Oh, yeah.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01But it's Christmas. It's all right.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05A soupcon of grape brandy.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-uh.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Just a hint of vodka.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Yoo-ee-bo, yoo-ee-bo, bo-bo-bo.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19A fret of whiskey.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Lemon squash.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Bob!- What?- We're out of advocaat.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- No?- Yes.- No!- Yes!- No!- Yes!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- No!- Yes!- No!- Yes! Go and have a look in the fridge.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Go and look in the fridge. Go on.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47There's none there.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Is there any salad cream?- Yeah.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Have you got any lighter fuel?- Yeah.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Mix the two together, it's the same thing.- All right, will do.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Of course, you need a few little nibbles to accompany all that drink,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01nothing too heavy.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Maybe a light breakfast, you know, full English.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Then, some sausage rolls and Stilton for elevenses,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10after you've open your first box of chocs, of course.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Then I like to ease off a bit, just a few mince pies,
0:17:13 > 0:17:18brandy butter, couple of satsumas, as I gear up for the big one.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Ho-ho, lunchtime! Go on!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Here we go.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Not bad. Not bad, Grandad.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Slightly underdone, maybe.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Slightly underdone?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I reckon the kiss of life would revive that turkey.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Look, there's only five hours till lunch.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Not sprouts! I hate sprouts!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Will you stop whinging, Eddie, nobody likes sprouts.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Then why are we having them, then?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Because it's Christmas!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I'm through. Finish those and you win.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04WHISTLE BLOWS
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Do we get turkey?- Well, they call it turkey, don't they?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36But not having seen it carved, we don't know, do we?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I mean, if it is, then the one we had on our block last year
0:18:39 > 0:18:41must have been a very funny shape.
0:18:41 > 0:18:4328 legs and no breast.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Like Lulu and the Young Generation.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57But before you eat it, you've got to cook it.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Of course, we all know what makes a good Christmas dinner.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Turkey, spuds, stuffing, sprouts, gravy - proper gravy,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09gravy that you can stand your spoon up in.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Well, hold on to your paper hats,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14because the TV chefs have only muscled in on the act.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Liberty!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26The biggest decision for me at Christmas
0:19:26 > 0:19:28is what bird is going to be in my oven?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Is it going to be a turkey? Is it going to be a goose?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35I always go for the goose. I love that dark meat.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Such a splendid thing, a goose, isn't it?
0:19:37 > 0:19:43What I love is there's masses of fat left that you can treasure.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47I know, that's right. And even rub on your chest in case of emergency.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Rub them on your chest or your boots.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Now, first thing we do, of course, is just smear...
0:19:53 > 0:19:59this paste. Just get your hands in there, it's lovely. Caress it...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01all over the bird like this.
0:20:01 > 0:20:08Pop it into a 220-degree oven and let the bird brown up nicely.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10So, there we are.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Fragrant bath water is ready.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I'm now going to go and get the baby to pop in it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23This liquid is not just spice water, it's a magical elixir,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26it's going to transform the turkey
0:20:26 > 0:20:32and it's going to be super juicy and gorgeously spiced.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36My fridge isn't large enough to fit the bucket in,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40so I leave it outside, securely covered.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It looks straightforward enough.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45But we can't all have three Michelin stars, can we?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- What's wrong?- What's wrong, Dave, that's the Maris pipers,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57they've gone wrong and you said you would help me with the gravy
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and I had to put the Oxo in the gravy,
0:20:59 > 0:21:00do all the stirring of the gravy.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Your dad's carrots was all dead hard and I can't get the Stork in.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Trust you, Dave, trust you, Dave,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09to win a bloody turkey that we can't get in the oven
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and it's only got two legs and you knew everybody wanted a leg.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17And all I wanted - all I wanted for - was just a day like Nigella's.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21That's all I wanted was it to be like Nigella's.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Back in the day, your turkey came from the butchers,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and no-one really cared where it had been before that,
0:21:31 > 0:21:35as long as it was plump and dead, we were happy.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Nowadays, it's all about the bird.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42That's got to be happy. Well, good luck to it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Animals that live in a peaceful and stress-free environment
0:21:45 > 0:21:46really do taste better.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50So we've made a little grotto.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56With the geese happy,
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I was off to make the first-ever three-Michelin-star goose feed.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04We need to eat this cos if it's good enough for us
0:22:04 > 0:22:06it's good enough for a goose.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08So if it's not good enough for us I ain't giving it to a goose.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- It's not too bad, is it?- Very nice.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17You enjoy yourself, goosey. I hate to break it to you, mate,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21but you're still going to end up plucked and stuffed come Christmas.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Over to you, Fanny. Do your worst.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30Now, this curious pinching movement that I'm doing here isn't just silly,
0:22:30 > 0:22:31but to loosen the skin,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35so that afterwards I can put my hand underneath
0:22:35 > 0:22:40and run it right through the skin, so that it holds right away
0:22:40 > 0:22:44from the breast of the upper part of the bird, like that.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Prod it all over. Think of somebody you've never really liked,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50but you're too well-bred to say what you think of them,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54so you take it out on a goose that's being stabbed all over.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Beastly job, this.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Right, dinner's over and I'm more stuffed than the goose.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Time to nod off in front of the telly,
0:23:02 > 0:23:07wake up around teatime for a mince pie... Not a chance!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's time for Top Of The Pops.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12And in honour of this great Yuletide institution,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15here's my very own Christmas countdown.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Wa-hey! Here we go, pop pickers.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25Straight in at number five, it's the worst recipe for mulled wine ever.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26# Christmas time
0:23:26 > 0:23:27# Silent night
0:23:27 > 0:23:29# Mistletoe and wine
0:23:29 > 0:23:30# Holy night
0:23:30 > 0:23:35# Children singing... #
0:23:35 > 0:23:39You can't beat a bit of Cliff at Christmas. Go on, my son.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42# A time to rejoice
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# In the good that we see... #
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Stopping the cavalry at number four, it's good old Jona Lewie.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# I have had to fight almost every night
0:23:53 > 0:23:56# Down throughout these centuries
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# That is when I say Oh, yes, yet again
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# Can you stop the cavalry? #
0:24:02 > 0:24:07At number three, All I Want For Christmas is Mariah Carey.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09And a Hairy Bikers' Cookbook.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# I don't want a lot of Christmas
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# There is just one thing I need
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# Don't care about the presents
0:24:18 > 0:24:22# Underneath the Christmas tree
0:24:22 > 0:24:25# I just want you for my own
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# More than you could ever know
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# Make my wish come true
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# All I want for Christmas
0:24:34 > 0:24:35# Is you... #
0:24:36 > 0:24:40In at two, Chris Rea is Driving Home for Christmas.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# And it's been so long
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# But I will be there
0:24:47 > 0:24:48# I sing this song
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# To pass the time away
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# Driving in my car
0:24:56 > 0:24:58# Driving home for Christmas... #
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Sorry, Chris, you've missed lunch.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03But you are in time for the washing up.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08And my Christmas countdown number one, it's Wizzard -
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12I really do.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16# Well, I wish it could be Christmas
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# Everyday
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# When the kids start singing
0:25:21 > 0:25:26# And the band begins to play... #
0:25:26 > 0:25:31The Queen gave her first Christmas message in 1952.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35And every year since, a grateful nation has gathered round the set
0:25:35 > 0:25:39to listen with respect and reverence.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Ladies and gentlemen, all rise for Her Majesty.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44God bless her.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:59It is at this time of the year that one's thoughts inevitably
0:25:59 > 0:26:02turn to the members of one's family.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06And for me, this also includes those people that constitute
0:26:06 > 0:26:08the family of the Commonwealth.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- MAN:- Hold it. Hold it, everybody. Nigel?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Yes, Rodge?- Getting a bit of a flare off her forehead, love.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Can you get her to tilt her head a bit?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19No, other way, love.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Tell her to face more to the right.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25No, no, no, not like on the 50p coin.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31That's it, fine. OK, let's go again. From the top, please, Your Majesty.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Quiet, everybody, and cue Queen.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39And now Her Majesty the Queen of Wales' Christmas Message.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Hello, campers.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48And a great big Christmas yaki dah to all.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It's a great honour to be talking down to you today
0:26:51 > 0:26:54from my mighty big palace, here in Hollywood.
0:26:54 > 0:27:00As my grandad and I - no, sorry, not my grandad - my husband and I...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04look back over these last 12 months, we reflect and say,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07"God, a hell of a lot went on, didn't it?"
0:27:07 > 0:27:12It was, in part, truly annus horribilis.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And that's something Michael knows all about.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19In conclusion, let me say just this...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22"Just this."
0:27:23 > 0:27:30No, seriously, a very merry Christmas to you all, wherever you may be.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33And a happier and prosperous New Year.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36And don't do anything one wouldn't do.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Stop at Watford Gap for a butty, would you?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49It's all in the best possible taste, ma'am.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Traditionally, of course, the period between the Queen's speech
0:27:52 > 0:27:57and Doctor Who is given over to our great national pastime -
0:27:57 > 0:28:00arguing. "Will you shut up?"
0:28:00 > 0:28:01More roasties, Roy?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03It's no good getting a turkey, you're fed up of it by Boxing Day.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I said to Roy, "It's no good getting a turkey,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08"you're fed up of it by Boxing Day." What did I say, Roy?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10It's no good getting a turkey, you're fed up of it by Boxing Day.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Oh, the queues in Marks'. How long was I stood there?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- 40 minutes? - You know it was 45 minutes, Roy.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21What are you trying to show me up for in front of your mother?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Look, the thing is... - We're moving back to Barry.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30- What?- Just for the first six months, to see how it goes.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32- Oh, I get it.- Six months?- You...
0:28:32 > 0:28:35- You couldn't wait, could you? - Six months?
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Right from day one,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39you got your claws in and now you're trying to take him away from me!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- 24 weeks? - Let me just explain...
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- You're clearly shouting. - It's a really good deal.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47How do you know?
0:28:47 > 0:28:52- Well, Gavin told me a few weeks back.- What? So he knew about this?
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- And I did. Stacey wanted me to know.- Oh, I can just see it.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57You and her and her in cahoots.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01But I thought we agreed only to talk to Dad about it?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03"How will we get him way from her?"
0:29:03 > 0:29:04- Charming.- Don't bring me into this.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07You are in this, Vanessa.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08What's Ness got to do with this?
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Pam, if you want to make something of it, I'll see you outside,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- no problem. - Right, come on then. Come on.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Whoa! You really don't want to do that, Pam.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18She was South Wales Wrestling Champion.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21I don't care, I'll take the lot of you on, ya Taffs.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22Roy wanted cranberry sauce.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24I said, "Cranberry sauce, Roy,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26"you'll only end up throwing it away." What did I say, Roy?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28You'll only up throwing it away.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31We're not going to have the crackers till after the Queen's Speech.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32It's a tradition here.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35I said to Roy, "I'm delighted your mam's coming for Christmas."
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- What did I say, Roy?- I hope she's not stopping till Boxing Day.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41I didn't say that, Roy!
0:29:41 > 0:29:44You have one thing to do every year and you can't even get that right.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49I make it the same way as I do every year and it tastes great.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50Tastes like toilet water.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Well, if you don't like it, why don't you pour it out
0:29:53 > 0:29:55and get yourself something else?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57As a matter of fact, I think I will.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Don't know what the Queen's going to say in her speech this year.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16It's been a funny year for her, bless her. What did I say, Roy?
0:30:16 > 0:30:18It's been a funny old year for the Queen, bless her.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21I never know whether to have the Christmas pudding before
0:30:21 > 0:30:23or after the Queen's Speech. I said to Roy...
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Will you button it, you stupid, fat cow?!
0:30:29 > 0:30:31You're dead, you are, Roy.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34Yeah, it's not bad.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36But I'd only give it a SEVEN!!
0:30:36 > 0:30:40Now, if you want a ten from Len, take a look at this lot.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43This, my sweet,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46is a letter from my solicitor, telling you that your husband
0:30:46 > 0:30:48has filed a petition for divorce.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Happy Christmas, Ange.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56# Jingle bells, jingle bells
0:30:56 > 0:30:58# Jingle all the way... #
0:30:58 > 0:31:01I'll kill you. I'll kill you!
0:31:01 > 0:31:04# In a one-horse open sleigh
0:31:04 > 0:31:10# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way
0:31:10 > 0:31:16# Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh... #
0:31:16 > 0:31:18All right, all right, calm down.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Some people really don't like Christmas.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23I tell you what their problem is - cold cockles.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27Don't worry. Here's something that would warm the cockles
0:31:27 > 0:31:28of the coldest heart.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32- I do, sort of, have a present for you.- A-ha! See, I know you.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35- Hope you like it.- I'm sure I will.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37I'm pregnant.
0:31:42 > 0:31:43Oh, my word.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57CHATTERING
0:32:07 > 0:32:08Careful, she's got a fiance.
0:32:10 > 0:32:11Not any more.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19# All I needed was the love you gave... #
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Better get inside. They'll be worried.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Best Christmas present they could have.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Oh, no, I forgot - you hate Christmas.
0:32:31 > 0:32:32Yes, I do.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Even...
0:32:35 > 0:32:37..if it snows?
0:32:44 > 0:32:45SHE LAUGHS
0:32:48 > 0:32:51I can't believe you did that.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Basic atmospheric excitation.
0:32:59 > 0:33:00Merry Christmas.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02And you.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Oh, yes, you can't beat a bit of atmospheric excitation at Christmas,
0:33:09 > 0:33:12can you? Warms you right up.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16Tell you what, let's go out for a nice stroll. Get your coat.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18And you'd better get your gun, as well.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29# We're falling through the air... #
0:33:29 > 0:33:31SPLAT!
0:33:41 > 0:33:43If you thought that was bad,
0:33:43 > 0:33:47you'd better call a taxi. We're about to play some party games.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54- Come on, get your hat on. - But this is the Daily Mirror.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00I am terribly sorry, Margo, please have the Telegraph.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Now, then... My motto.
0:34:08 > 0:34:13"The ooh-aah bird is so-called because it lays square eggs."
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I don't understand.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28- Roaring.- King Kong.- Frankenstein.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30It's got four syllables. He's really fat.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- Um, I don't know. - It's impossible.- Shrek!
0:34:34 > 0:34:36- I thought you said it was four syllables?- Yes.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Sh. Re. E. K. Shrek.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40No, Sh...
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Conveyer belt of some kind.
0:34:45 > 0:34:50- No dancing prayer?- No dancing prayer? What are you...?
0:34:50 > 0:34:51Guys, When Stevie went to the loo,
0:34:51 > 0:34:54we had a look at the charade card she was acting out -
0:34:54 > 0:34:56No Sex Please, We're British -
0:34:56 > 0:35:00we put it back and made a pact never to guess it. It's very funny!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Oh, I know, I know.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04What's the second word again?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Um...
0:35:07 > 0:35:10- Pumping!- Drilling!- Ski Sunday!
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Dancercise!
0:35:12 > 0:35:14A hula-hula-hoop!
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Titanic!
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Have you really got no idea?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23ALL: Um...
0:35:23 > 0:35:27No Sex Please, We're British!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Well, that's hilarious.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Blimey, what a day.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36I've eaten enough to feed a small army, had an argument,
0:35:36 > 0:35:37lost a game,
0:35:37 > 0:35:41gained a Hairy Bikers' Cookbook - it's no wonder I'm worn out.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43I don't suppose there's anything on the telly.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45There never is at Christmas, is there?
0:35:55 > 0:35:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:12 > 0:36:15Hello and welcome to Xmas Jazz Club.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Mmm, jingle bells.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20# I simply must go
0:36:20 > 0:36:22# Oh, baby, it's cold outside... #
0:36:22 > 0:36:25We love our traditional English Christmases.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Yes, James Bond, the Queen's Speech,
0:36:28 > 0:36:30the smell of nuts roasting on an open fire.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35So sorry, I must have been standing too close to the oven.
0:36:35 > 0:36:40# It's cold outside... #
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Could you hold this for me, please?
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Because I'm going in!
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Cinderella, where are you? Cinders, Cinders?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- Oh, buttocks!- I beg your pardon?
0:37:10 > 0:37:14# Cold... #
0:37:14 > 0:37:16And, finally, a message for the ladies.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19If an old gentleman with a long white beard tucked something
0:37:19 > 0:37:21in your stocking last night, it was Father Christmas.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24If it happens again tonight, you're being goosed by a Chelsea pensioner.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Well, there you have it.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39That was my perfect Christmas.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42It had its highs, its lows, its laughs, its tears,
0:37:42 > 0:37:44and way, way too much to eat.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48But I tell you what, I've loved every second of it.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51And I hope yours has been as perfect as mine.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Merry Christmas, everyone. Good night.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00# Jingle bells jingle bells
0:38:00 > 0:38:02# Jingle all the way
0:38:02 > 0:38:03# Oh what fun
0:38:03 > 0:38:05# It is to ride
0:38:05 > 0:38:09# In a one-horse open sleigh
0:38:09 > 0:38:13# Bells on bobtail ring
0:38:13 > 0:38:17# Making spirits bright
0:38:17 > 0:38:19# Oh, what fun it is to ride
0:38:19 > 0:38:20# In a one
0:38:20 > 0:38:23# Horse open
0:38:23 > 0:38:25# Sleigh
0:38:25 > 0:38:26# Jingle all the way. #