0:00:00 > 0:00:00- Subtitles
0:00:00 > 0:00:02- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- AUDIENCE CHATTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:03- Thank you.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Wow.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Thank you very much.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- Wow, thank you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Thank you very much and goodnight.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25- That welcome deserves a better - beginning to the show than I have!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- This is it - - the beginning of the show.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- As I get older, I start gigs...
0:01:31 > 0:01:38- The beginning of my gigs - is becoming more and more drab.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- To be honest, I start gigs - the same way as I start sex.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- HE HUFFS
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- Let's start, yeah?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- I won't keep you long.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- I don't know if I'll enjoy this - as much as you.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Thank you for coming.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08- I've been thinking about this - - I'm in the second half of my life.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Things have happened to me - to suggest...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- ..that I'm way into - the second half of my life.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- I'm 47. I know, moisturiser, I know.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- I'll tell you what - I've stopped doing...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- ..because I'm in - the second half of my life.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- I've stopped giving up my seat - on the bus to old people.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- This is the thing - I'm 47.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- Even if I live to be 90, - I'm in the second half of my life.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Not that I want to be 90. - I can't piss straight as it is.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- At 90, I'd be like a child - with a hosepipe.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- "Put your coats on, children, - we're going to visit Taid!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- The show is called Pechu. I will - be upsetting some people tonight.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- I'll use language - some of you won't expect from me.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- I apologise... No, I'm not. - I'm just warning you.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- How can I say this?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- When I do things like this, - I use words I shouldn't use.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- It's a weakness of mine.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- It's a problem I've had for a while. - I swear.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- It's a problem I've had - since I was a child.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- If I was excited on Christmas Day, - it could be awful for Mam and Dad.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- They made sure I released - all my excitement in the morning...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- ..before uncles and aunties - came over.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- "Ooh, fuckin' Buckaroo!"
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- I remember Mam taking me...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- I remember Mam taking me - to a pantomime in Bangor.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- We once had a theatre in Bangor - - it was great.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Topical!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- It doesn't get any more topical - than that.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- I remember Mam taking me - to a pantomime.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- "Tudur, I'm taking you - to a pantomime. Don't swear.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- "Promise me - you won't get too excited."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- "I promise. I won't."
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- "I'll take you on the understanding - that you don't get too excited...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- "..and don't embarrass me - in the theatre."
0:04:32 > 0:04:37- It was Peter Pan. It was in English. - Never mind. It was fantastic.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- There were 300 children there - with their parents.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- I'd never seen anything - like a pantomime.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- I was trying my best to keep calm.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- I remember one scene in particular.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Captain Hook was chasing Peter Pan.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Peter Pan couldn't see him. - "Where is he, children?"
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- The children shouted, - "He's behind you."
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- We were in Bangor, remember.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- Captain Hook was at the back. - Peter Pan was at the front.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- "No, I can't see him, children. - Where is he?"
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- "He's behind you."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- "Where is he, children?" - "He's behind you."
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- He was milking it. "He's behind - you." It went on and on.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23- "No, I can't see him."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- 300 children shouting, - "He's behind you."
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- One lone voice, "For fuck's sakes."
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- I'm warning you beforehand.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- You'll hear some words tonight that - you're not used to hearing me say.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- What I'd like you to do - is go into...
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Do you know the mood we're in - when we're on holiday?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- When we're abroad, no-one knows us.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- No.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05- We're in a very different mood - when we're on holiday.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- No-one knows us.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- We're a little bit more adventurous.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- My wife and I, - when we're on holiday...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- I feel as if - I'm amongst friends now.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- I can share this with you.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23- What we like doing...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- ..if the children aren't around...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- ..we like to have sex...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- That's it. We just like to have sex.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Once a year, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- I realised something. - I made a mistake.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- As I get older, - there's a list of mistakes...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- ..a list of things - that I shouldn't do.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- The list is growing.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- When you reach 40...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- ..you realise...
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- For example, men, - when you reach a certain age...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- ..we might have been - John Travolta in our 20s...
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- ..but in our 40s, - it's a good idea not to dance.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11- It's not right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- As we get older, - you shouldn't flirt...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- ..because you just look like - a pervert.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- You do.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Don't jump on a trampoline.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Ladies, if you're the same age - - short sleeves, don't wave.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- That kind of thing. - You know what I mean.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- There's one more thing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- There's one more thing I've - discovered that I shouldn't do.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Parascending. - Have you heard about parascending?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- For those of you who don't know...
0:07:51 > 0:07:56- ..when you're on holiday, - you're pulled behind a boat...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- ..by a rope.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- You're in a harness - and there's a parachute behind you.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- You get pulled by the boat, - you rise into the sky...
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- ..you're pulled - around the bay once...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- ..and you land on the beach.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Everyone thinks you're great.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- I made a mistake. - I thought I'd like to do this.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26- The second mistake, and again this - is because I have farmer's blood.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31- I choose the cheapest parascending - company. This was in Portugal.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- The parascending experience - was being offered on the beach.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37- 50 euros. Expensive as!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Underneath there was a sign. - 'Tandem - 30 euros.'
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- "That's better!" - I thought to myself.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- "I'll go tandem," I said. - "Yes, boss."
0:08:50 > 0:08:55- I hadn't realised - who my partner was.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- He was Spanish.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- A similar age, but unlike me, - he'd let his beach body go.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- He didn't seem to mind at all.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- I was on the beach wearing - my Welsh shorts to my knees...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- ..and my baggy Cowbois T-shirt.
0:09:13 > 0:09:19- He was covered in hair - wearing a pair of skimpy Speedos.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- You know what Speedos are - - also known as budgie smugglers.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- It makes you look - as if you're smuggling a budgie.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- This one had an ostrich.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- It was huge.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39- They strapped me and him - to the same harness.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- The idea was that the parachute - would lift us both into the sky...
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- ..and it would look as if I - was giving him a piggy back.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- They strapped him behind me.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- He shouted to the bloke in the boat, - "Start her up, Wil," in Portuguese.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- He started her up and off he went.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- There was 50 yards of beach - before we reached the water...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- ..so we had to run, in tandem, - in this harness...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- ..to catch up with the boat.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- We had to get our legs - running together.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- I couldn't concentrate because - I swear, this ostrich was growing.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- I could feel it rubbing - against my back.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- This wasn't my imagination, - I could feel it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- I couldn't concentrate - and I was out of synch with him.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- My legs were like jelly - and I fell on my face.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- The Spaniard was on my back.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- I was being dragged - along the beach...
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- ..with a Spaniard in Speedos - with an erection in my back.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- We hit the water... boom, boom.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- Like two bouncing bombs.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- Thankfully, in time, - we started rising into the sky.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- By now, I'd swallowed - a gallon of seawater.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- The worst part was that something - had happened to this harness.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- The Spaniard had slipped up - and he was sitting on my head.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- The worst part of all was that - his Speedos were in the sea.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- My children were watching - their father in the sky...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- ..with a Spaniard's cock - on his face.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- They'd never seen - such a thing before.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- They'd seen their mother like that - but not their father.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- She's not here, thank goodness.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- What I like doing abroad...
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- ..I don't know - if anyone else does this...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- ..the Welsh language - can be so useful when you're abroad.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08- It's great.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- More often than not, no-one knows - which language we're speaking.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- "Oh, my word, are they Danish?"
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- "I don't know, I don't know. - It's very guttural, isn't it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- "I think they might be Dutch - actually."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- They have no idea.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- "I think he's Italian - because he keeps looking at me."
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Just to wind people up, - the English mostly...
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- ..if you're by the pool, - the Welsh language is so handy.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- I like speaking Welsh loudly...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- ..but just to mess - with their heads...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- ..I speak in a foreign accent.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- You can speak Welsh - in any accent at all.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Your family will understand you.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- "'Ey, get me a bottle of water - from the bar."
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- "I don't think they're Danish."
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- You can say anything at all.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- And then, just to wind things up - a little more...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- ..just to mess with their heads - a little more...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- ..say something - in a foreign accent...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- ..but throw in - some perfect English sentences too.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Sometimes, they think - we don't understand them.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- "'Ey, let's walk to the town - for supper tonight.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- "Because the restaurant prices here - are prohibitively expensive."
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- "Oh, my God, they can - speak English. Oh, my God."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- "'Ey, look at that dickhead. - His wife's so hot.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- "She's got lovely tits..." - Shit, tits is an English word!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- "Did you just say something - about my wife's tits?"
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- "No." "You said something - about my wife's tits."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- "No, we're from Wales."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- "You said tits."
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- "Yeah, I did, - but tits is Welsh for food."
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- "Really?"
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- "Yes. Come on then, kids, - let's go for some tits."
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- You see them later that night.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- "Oh, look, - it's the Welsh family. Hi!
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- "I can thoroughly recommend - that restaurant - fantastic tits."
0:14:40 > 0:14:40- .
0:14:45 > 0:14:45- Subtitles
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:14:49 > 0:14:50- As I get older...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- ..I've started to cry more.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- I'm not talking about whimpering.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- I'm talking about real crying.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Crying like a child.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- We've lost the ability to do so.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- I'm not talking about crying - as if no-one likes you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- I'm talking about crying - like a child.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- I don't understand why - we stopped doing it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- The noise I used to make - as a child when I really cried...
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- ..I sounded like an air raid siren.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- As a young boy, I had an uncle - who was part of the D-Day landings.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- When I cried, he'd hide under the - stairs with a saucepan on his head.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- It's effective for children.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- They get their own way - by making this sound.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h! - It works. I do it now.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- "Do you know why we've stopped you, - sir?"
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- "So you're telling me I've just - bought a dishwasher from you...
0:16:00 > 0:16:05- "..200 and you won't tell me if - it's morning or afternoon delivery?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- "What? - Half past ten in the morning."
0:16:13 > 0:16:14- It's effective.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- Do you remember when you used to - cry so much, you couldn't breathe?
0:16:20 > 0:16:21- M-m...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- "What are you trying to say?"
0:16:23 > 0:16:24- M-m-m-m-m...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- "Slow down, Tudur, breathe."
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- "OK then, we'll have sex tonight."
0:16:30 > 0:16:31- It's effective.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- I've been thinking a lot about us.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- The Welsh nation.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Welsh speakers.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- As a nation, - we've upset many people.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- We're very good - at winding up other people.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- We like upsetting people.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- We like the fact - that we're a little different.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- There's one example in the - Welsh language which is perfect.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- It shows how we like to turn - something on its head sometimes.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Just to be different.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- We have words for things.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18- We have masculine words - and feminine words.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- I don't quite understand the rules - and I often get it wrong.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Bwrdd (table) is masculine - hwn. - This table.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Correct? Say something.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Cadair (chair) is feminine - hon. - This chair.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- I don't know why. The table - is on top of the chair. Maybe.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- I don't know the rule.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- There's one thing I've discovered.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- What's the most masculine thing?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- What's the most masculine thing - you can think of?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- The one thing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- I'll help you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Y bidlen (the penis).
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- We've given it a feminine name - - y bidlen hon.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- That's fantastic.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- We're just twisted.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- The English say, - "Have a look at this."
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- We say, "Have a look at her."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Y bidlen hon. It's fantastic.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Why?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- I've called mine Barbara.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Good old Barbara.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- We all upset other people.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- I've been talking to my wife.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49- She's...
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- We've been married for 25 years.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- It's difficult. - You have to work hard.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- You have to make an effort when - you're in a long-term relationship.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- It's not my kind of thing...
0:19:06 > 0:19:12- ..but recently, she was invited - to an Ann Summers party.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- It's not the type of thing we enjoy.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Not on Anglesey.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- She came home - with a flirty air hostess outfit.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Fair play to her.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- She squeezed herself into it.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- It was a Small.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- The children weren't home.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38- She suggested we should do - a little role play.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39- "Ooh," I said.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- There was nothing on telly - - why not?
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- She said, "Would you like - to enter the executive lounge?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- "For some pre-flight entertainment."
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- "Go on then," I said.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- 10 minutes later, we'd argued. - There were no complimentary peanuts.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- She wasn't taking it very seriously.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- In the end, she said, - "Fuck off, the gate's just closed."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- I'd upset her.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Words can be so strong.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- We can get confused by words. - This is a true story.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- A few years ago, my son - came home from school one day...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- ..carrying his homework.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- It was his English homework.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- The only thing he had to do...
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- ..was to find facts about bats...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- ..and put them in English sentences.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- It's far easier for youngsters - these days.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- They have the Internet and Google - for their homework.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- They just cut and paste. Often, they - have no idea what they're writing.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- We used to rip pages - out of encyclopaedias.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- That's what he'd done - with these facts - Bat Facts.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- "He asked me, "Dad, can you check - my Bat Facts, please?"
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- I read his computer screen.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- He'd written neat sentences. - 1. Bats are mammals.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Well done. You could have said - a little more but never mind.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- There were other facts about sonar.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- There was one fact - right at the bottom of the list.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- This is interesting. - You can check this online tonight.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- It's true. Check it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- "The short-nosed fruit bat...
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- "..is the only other mammal - known on this planet...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- "..that performs fellatio."
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- I sense by your response - that I'll have to explain.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Fellatio is the posh word...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- ..for oral sex.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08- Ask her.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- He asked, "Is that OK, Dad?"
0:22:16 > 0:22:17- "Yes, yes, yes.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- "Yes, it'll be fine, my son."
0:22:27 > 0:22:28- "What does it mean, Dad?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- "You'd better ask your mother."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- We'll have fun now, - I thought to myself.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- "Sharon, come and read - your boy's homework."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Over she came, - in her air hostess outfit.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- "Let me see. This is so tidy."
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- She read the first sentence. - "Bats are mammals.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- "They may well be, I don't know!"
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- I watched her reading her way - down the list.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- As she reached the final sentence, - I stood back.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- "Get yourself out of this!"
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- I could see her reading.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- "The short-nosed fruit bat...
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- "..is the only other mammal - that performs fellatio."
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Well, I never.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- "How could a bat do Shakespeare?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:39- Everyone in Cardiff knows - that it's oral sex, blow jobs.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Or as my wife calls it, - a new pair of shoes.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- I only have one pair.
0:23:53 > 0:23:53- .
0:23:58 > 0:23:58- Subtitles
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- There are taboos.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09- Religion. We're all aware of the - massacre that happened in Paris.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Charlie Hebdo. It was horrendous.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- I've been thinking a lot about this.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- As a comedian...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- We regard ourselves as people - who can say anything on stage.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29- I thought to myself, "Why not? I'm - going to write a set about religion.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- "I'm going to write about Islam - - why not?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:39- After much thought, - I decided not to perform the set.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- Primarily, because it was shit. - It wasn't funny.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- I'm not stupid.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- I don't want to be killed - having not had a laugh.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- Think of the headlines.
0:24:51 > 0:24:58- Ex-S4C Presenter Killed By Islamist - Extremist And He Wasn't Even Funny.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- I did prepare a set. - I'll give you one of the jokes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- This was the line.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- I once ran a business - making religious figurines...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- ..but I went bust - because I couldn't make a prophet.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- I'm glad I didn't tell that joke.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- You must be careful, - you must be careful.
0:25:33 > 0:25:38- What I liked - about all that business...
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- ..was the attitudes - of French people.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- They didn't care - about upsetting these people.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- We're talking about the extremists.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- You've seen it on TV, - you see it on the news every night.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- We all know about ISIS. - We know about these nutters.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- We know how they think.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04- They want to spread their ideology - around the world.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- They want the world to live - by their rules.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13- Even in Wales, they want - to establish a caliphate in Wales.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Really? Have they been to Bala?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Imagine.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- Imagine two men in Bala talking.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- "Seen that new mosque in town?"
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- "Where Caffi Cyfnod used to be?"
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- "It's terrible.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- "If you went up to Plas Coch now, - they won't serve you a pint."
0:26:48 > 0:26:49- "Bloody hell."
0:26:51 > 0:26:56- "No way. And another thing. - We have to pray now."
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- "I do that sometimes."
0:26:59 > 0:27:00- "No, not to the same one.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- "We have to pray five times a day."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- "Bloody hell.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07- "Five times a day."
0:27:08 > 0:27:09- "Yes. Five times."
0:27:10 > 0:27:11- "Bloody hell."
0:27:11 > 0:27:16- "By the time I'd finish the first, - I'd have to start the second.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- "If you visited Badell Aur now...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- "..and asked for a jumbo sausage - and chips...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- "..they won't serve you."
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- "Bloody hell. What can I have then?"
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- "Just chips."
0:27:36 > 0:27:42- "Where Caffi Cyfnod used to be, - they said we can't eat bacon."
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- "Bloody hell. Can I have gravy?"
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- "Yes, you can have gravy."
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- "You know the wife, your wife."
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- "Meirwen?"
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- "If she goes out in public, - she has to hide her face."
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- "Bloody hell.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- "It's not all bad then."
0:28:14 > 0:28:16- You must be very careful.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21- I'm aware that some things - upset me sometimes.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- I try to be as tolerant as I can be.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- I try not to get upset.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- Something happened - in our family recently.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- One of my cousins - - we'll call her Julie...
0:28:36 > 0:28:41- ..she's upset the family - in the worst possible way.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- It's not my fault - she did it.
0:28:43 > 0:28:48- She's appeared in an online film.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50- OK?
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- I happened to watch the film...
0:28:59 > 0:29:00- I'll explain.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02- Oh, Julie just walked out!
0:29:06 > 0:29:12- She appeared in an online film. The - address sends shivers down my spine.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14- www.screwmywife.com
0:29:14 > 0:29:17- That was the website address.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22- I was searching for DIY equipment at - the time but that's another story.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26- Julie appeared...
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- I'd recognised my auntie's sofa.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- Auntie Margaret has a yellow sofa.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39- Thank goodness she wasn't home - when screwmywife.com were filming.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44- screwmywife.com - She wasn't meant to be on that.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47- She's not even married.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51- I wouldn't have minded - watching screwmycousin.com
0:29:52 > 0:29:54- It was horrible.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58- As I said, I happened to recognise - my Auntie Margaret's sofa...
0:29:58 > 0:30:01- "Is that Julie? OMG."
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- She was having sex - with a stranger on the sofa.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07- The worst thing about it was...
0:30:07 > 0:30:11- ..in Auntie Margaret's - front room, behind the sofa...
0:30:11 > 0:30:13- ..she has an upright piano.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18- On the piano, - there's a school photo of me.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29- This is a well-known photo - in our family.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- I have this strange look on my face.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36- My brother's ripped into me - because of this school photo.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- I remember it being taken - when I was 13 years old.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45- I remember the photographer - taking the photo.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- They're under pressure - to get through all the photos.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51- He was a miserable man.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54- I remember standing in line - and my turn came.
0:30:54 > 0:30:59- He said something to me and to this - day, I can't remember what it was.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01- "Smile, sunshine" or something.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- I didn't understand him. - I just replied, "Uh?"
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- Just as he took the photo.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14- There's a school photo of me - like this.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20- My brother says I look like - a pervert in the photo.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23- I've ignored his comments.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28- But with the foreground interest - on screwmywife.com...
0:31:28 > 0:31:33- ..it was so unpleasant to see - my 13-year-old face like this.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37- Being revealed from behind - a stranger's backside.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45- It's left its mark. - It's left its mark on me.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48- It's left a mark on the sofa, - that's for sure.
0:31:51 > 0:31:55- Sometimes, - you have to frighten yourself.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- This is important. - It's something I do.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02- Frighten yourself at least - once a day. It keeps you fresh.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04- It keeps the heart pumping.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06- I frightened myself recently.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09- I pulled Barbara out - in front of a full-length mirror.
0:32:11 > 0:32:12- In B&Q.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15- I like tools.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- As I get older, I like tools. - You can touch them in B&Q.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- Someone else I've upset recently...
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- ..is my brother-in-law.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- My sister's married an Englishman. - From London.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36- I'm not saying too much.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- She moved to London, - she's been there for years.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43- He doesn't understand - a word of Welsh. Not even hello.
0:32:43 > 0:32:49- His name's Colin. He calls himself - Crazy Colin because he's a... knob!
0:32:54 > 0:32:55- He is.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- He's one of these people...
0:32:58 > 0:33:02- ..you phone them and they're out, - there's an answer machine.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- He's added 'humorous' poems - in English.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- It gets on my nerves.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- I phoned them just before Christmas.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16- "Twinkle twinkle little star - I bet you're wondering where we are.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26- It doesn't end there.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- "If you can make - your message rhyme...
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- "..we'll call you back - in half the time."
0:33:33 > 0:33:36- That's the bell-end level - we're dealing with.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- I remember thinking...
0:33:42 > 0:33:46- .."Do I have to go through this - every time I leave a message?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- "OK, Colin, you win, - I'll have a go.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- "I called round earlier, - must have missed her.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54- "Here's a message for my sister.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00- "Got the message... no. Yes.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03- "Got the present, can you thank her? - By the way, you are a..."
0:34:04 > 0:34:05- I couldn't help myself!
0:34:08 > 0:34:08- .
0:34:13 > 0:34:13- Subtitles
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- Sometimes I feel we're too polite - as a nation.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- We are too polite. - We're too tolerant.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26- We make excuses. People phone up - and we're too polite.
0:34:26 > 0:34:31- English speakers phone us, "Hello, - can I speak to the homeowner?"
0:34:31 > 0:34:33- "It's me speaking."
0:34:33 > 0:34:38- "I have your name down as something. - Oh, my gosh, what's that?"
0:34:38 > 0:34:42- "Yes, it's Welsh. - No, it's hard for you, yeah."
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- "Oh, my God, - I can't pronounce that...
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- "..without filling - the telephone with spit."
0:34:49 > 0:34:51- "Funny, yes.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53- "Funny. Yes."
0:34:56 > 0:34:58- "Is that Welsh, - is that a Welsh accent?
0:34:59 > 0:35:00- "Yes, Welsh, yes."
0:35:00 > 0:35:05- "I'm not going to try and pronounce - the address - I'll be here all day."
0:35:05 > 0:35:07- "It's hard for you, yes."
0:35:11 > 0:35:17- "Actually, actually, my grandmother - on my father's side was from Wales.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22- "Yes, I remember. I remember when - I was a child. We used to visit her.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- "I can't pronounce the name - of the place she lived."
0:35:26 > 0:35:28- "Oh, nice. Yes."
0:35:29 > 0:35:33- "She used to speak the language. - Is it the Welsh language?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37- "She'd use this phrase. - I can still remember it now.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41- "Dos i gwely, hogyn drwg - (Go to bed, naughty boy)."
0:35:41 > 0:35:43- "Oh, nice."
0:35:43 > 0:35:46- "What does it mean? - Do you know what it means?"
0:35:47 > 0:35:52- "I know what it means, yes. Go to - bed, you son of the English whore."
0:35:56 > 0:35:57- "Really?"
0:35:57 > 0:35:59- "Yes.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05- "It can also mean, I wish my boy - had married a nice Welsh girl."
0:36:08 > 0:36:10- We're too polite.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15- This is what we should do. - They phone up.
0:36:15 > 0:36:20- "Can I speak to the homeowner?" - "Yes, who's speaking please?"
0:36:20 > 0:36:21- "My name's Geoff."
0:36:21 > 0:36:22- "What?!"
0:36:23 > 0:36:24- "What did you say?"
0:36:25 > 0:36:26- "My name's Geoff."
0:36:26 > 0:36:29- "Wow, what kind of name is that?"
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- "It's Geoff."
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- "How do you spell that?"
0:36:39 > 0:36:41- "G-E-O-F-F."
0:36:42 > 0:36:43- "Gay-off!
0:36:44 > 0:36:49- "Where the bloody hell are you from, - Gay-off."
0:36:53 > 0:36:57- "I'm phoning from Loughborough." - "What the fuck did you just say?"
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- "Loughborough."
0:37:00 > 0:37:02- "Where? Is that a place?
0:37:02 > 0:37:05- "How do you spell that?"
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- "Lou-ga-boug!"
0:37:11 > 0:37:13- Geoff's not phoned me since then.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20- Is it me or are we...?
0:37:20 > 0:37:25- I feel as if we're under siege - in Wales, the Welsh speakers.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30- I feel as if more and more people - are attacking us, our language...
0:37:30 > 0:37:32- ..and our culture.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- I don't know if it's as a result - of Facebook and Twitter.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- It's more evident now. People - say things and get away with it.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43- If they said the same things about - other people, they'd get locked up.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48- Someone who was writing - for The Times...
0:37:48 > 0:37:50- ..his name was Roger Lewis.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54- He said something - and this has stuck in my mind.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56- It still boils my blood.
0:37:56 > 0:38:02- He described our language as - "that moribund monkey language."
0:38:02 > 0:38:06- Do you remember it - - that moribund monkey language?
0:38:06 > 0:38:09- It's stayed with me - for many reasons.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11- Monkey language.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13- What a stupid thing to say?
0:38:14 > 0:38:17- What a stupid way - to describe a language.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21- If it were a language monkeys spoke, - the language would be safe.
0:38:21 > 0:38:26- If monkeys spoke Welsh, people - would sign up to learn the language.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29- Imagine David Attenborough.
0:38:32 > 0:38:37- "Here I am, in the foothills - of the Kigali mountains.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40- "In the Congo.
0:38:42 > 0:38:48- "Just behind me over there, - just in those trees...
0:38:49 > 0:38:54- "..are a very special - group of monkeys."
0:38:56 > 0:38:58- "Let's see if we can hear them."
0:39:03 > 0:39:05- "Oooh-oooh-aaah-aaah."
0:39:06 > 0:39:07- "Can you hear?"
0:39:07 > 0:39:09- "Oooh-oooh-aaah-aaah. OK, lad?"
0:39:19 > 0:39:23- "That's right. These monkeys - are actually speaking Welsh.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26- "Let's listen again."
0:39:27 > 0:39:30- "The telly people are back again."
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- "It's that Attenborough bloke.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- "His brother died, poor dab.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47- "You need to watch the other bloke.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51- "He understands everything. - Iolo the birdman."
0:40:00 > 0:40:02- Friends, my time is almost up.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07- I hope we'll meet again soon.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- I hope I'm invited back - to this theatre.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- We might meet in this world - or the next.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16- We don't know.
0:40:16 > 0:40:21- Do you know what bothers me? - We've discussed upsetting people.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24- If we find - that there's another place...
0:40:24 > 0:40:28- ..and if the people we knew - have already gone there...
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- ..are we upsetting them now?
0:40:31 > 0:40:36- Can they see what we're doing - down here? This scares me.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40- I imagine myself going up. - It worries me.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43- I see everyone there.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47- "Hello! Great, there is - another place. Wow! Hiya, Mam."
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- Mam would be standing there - like this.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55- "In B&Q, Tudur."
0:40:58 > 0:41:01- I'll give you one story before I go.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03- I was reminded about this today.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- Again, it's a rather painful memory.
0:41:09 > 0:41:15- For the past three years, - I've helped the Walk On campaign
0:41:15 > 0:41:18- I've spoken about mistakes I made.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21- That was one mistake - - agreeing to help out.
0:41:22 > 0:41:27- Had I known, I'd have just - given them money or my house.
0:41:28 > 0:41:34- I made a mistake on the walk we did, - not last year but the previous year.
0:41:34 > 0:41:40- We were walking - from Swansea to Caernarfon.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42- Here's what happened.
0:41:43 > 0:41:50- The greatest mistake I made was - not investing enough in underpants.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55- I didn't realise that you need - specialist underpants.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58- Normal underpants were useless.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01- They sold specialist pants - in hiking shops.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04- I didn't know they existed.
0:42:04 > 0:42:11- The Walk On crew told me to go and - buy walking shoes and underpants.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- OK then, and I went.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18- I went to Climbing and Rambling - in Betws-y-Coed.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21- I went in - and they didn't speak Welsh.
0:42:22 > 0:42:27- "Um... walking, I'm going to be - walking a long way, 200 miles...
0:42:28 > 0:42:30- "..and I need 'trons' (pants).
0:42:31 > 0:42:34- "I need, um, underpants.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39- "The best underpants you've got."
0:42:39 > 0:42:42- The lady showed me - these specialist underpants...
0:42:43 > 0:42:45- ..made from the wool - of the merino sheep.
0:42:46 > 0:42:47- SOMEONE BLOWS THEIR NOSE
0:42:55 > 0:42:59- One of our farmers - is not a big fan of that breed!
0:43:00 > 0:43:03- There weren't any - Welsh mountain sheep underpants!
0:43:06 > 0:43:08- The wool of the merino sheep.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16- "These underpants - are specially in from Canada.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20- "They soak up the sweat, - they're seamless."
0:43:20 > 0:43:23- Literally, they were seamless.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26- "Wow. Ideal. I'll take a pair."
0:43:26 > 0:43:27- "Oh, excellent."
0:43:28 > 0:43:33- I was going to be walking for - eight days. I asked for two pairs!
0:43:40 > 0:43:44- She said, "Good, that'll be 60."
0:43:44 > 0:43:47- "What? 60 for two pairs of pants.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50- "Do you have anything cheaper?"
0:43:51 > 0:43:54- She showed me cheaper underpants - from China.
0:43:56 > 0:44:02- These were nylon. They had seams, - stitched with nylon stitching.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05- "These are 5 for three."
0:44:05 > 0:44:07- "Ideal," I replied.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11- "I'll take a tenner's worth."
0:44:11 > 0:44:13- That could last me six months.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16- I bought the underpants - and started the walk.
0:44:17 > 0:44:22- On the first day, - we walked from Swansea to Llanelli.
0:44:22 > 0:44:27- I had some tinglings - down in my nether regions.
0:44:30 > 0:44:36- I told the crew who were walking - with me about my tinglings.
0:44:38 > 0:44:44- "Oh, it'll go. Have a hot bath - and a pint and you'll be fine."
0:44:48 > 0:44:50- "OK," I replied.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52- I felt OK the next morning.
0:44:52 > 0:44:56- We were heading to Carmarthen - that day.
0:44:56 > 0:45:00- When we reached - the aptly-named Cwm Cerrig...
0:45:03 > 0:45:05- ..the tinglings...
0:45:06 > 0:45:09- The nylon stitching - was like a cheese wire.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12- Barbara was in bits.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14- I was screaming in pain.
0:45:14 > 0:45:18- You've heard of Cwm Cerrig. - It's advertised on S4C.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21- They hang their meat - for a fortnight.
0:45:23 > 0:45:28- By the time we arrived, - I couldn't move. It was agonising.
0:45:28 > 0:45:33- Rhys Meirion was out in front. - # I'll send an angel... #
0:45:33 > 0:45:36- That stupid red hat. - I wanted to kill him.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41- They were singing about - sending angels - send an ambulance!
0:45:48 > 0:45:52- We reached Cwm Cerrig and we had - a doctor walking with us - Dylan.
0:45:53 > 0:45:57- I'm good friends with him now. - The whole crew are good friends.
0:45:59 > 0:46:02- I said, "Dyl, can you take a look? - I'm in such pain.
0:46:03 > 0:46:09- "I've done some terrible damage. - Do you mind having a look?"
0:46:09 > 0:46:11- "OK," he said.
0:46:11 > 0:46:16- We had a caravanette - following us with pills and cream.
0:46:17 > 0:46:18- It also carried water.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23- We went in and Dyl told me - to drop my trousers to have a look.
0:46:23 > 0:46:24- I did.
0:46:24 > 0:46:29- He said something you'd never want - to hear your doctor say...
0:46:29 > 0:46:32- ..when he's examining you.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34- He looked at me and said...
0:46:35 > 0:46:37- .."Fuckin' hell."
0:46:39 > 0:46:43- There was blood. He tried his best.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47- I was stood in the caravanette - with my trousers down...
0:46:48 > 0:46:51- ..and Dylan was - kneeling in front of me.
0:46:51 > 0:46:55- He went through a bucket - of Sudocrem and wipes.
0:46:56 > 0:47:01- He managed to stop the blood - and he spread the cream everywhere.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04- He had to move Barbara - and cup the weight.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09- I'll never forget this.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11- Something happened.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15- I was standing there, - sweating pints...
0:47:16 > 0:47:18- ..Dylan was down there.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21- "I don't know how to thank you - for this.
0:47:21 > 0:47:26- "I'm sure you didn't think - you'd have to do this on this walk."
0:47:26 > 0:47:28- "No, no."
0:47:28 > 0:47:31- "I'm so grateful. - I'll be forever indebted to you.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34- "I think you've saved me - on this walk."
0:47:34 > 0:47:37- I'll never forget this. - He looked up.
0:47:37 > 0:47:40- "Tudur, I'm not a real doctor.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53- "I have a PhD in history - from Aberystwyth."
0:47:58 > 0:48:00- Until next time, goodnight.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25- S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
0:48:25 > 0:48:25- .