0:00:02 > 0:00:04What a crazy year! We've had the big freeze,
0:00:04 > 0:00:07the very little effort, and the massive-sized iPhone
0:00:07 > 0:00:11that you can't make calls on, just use to check your e-mails on the toilet.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13We've said goodbye to The Bill
0:00:13 > 0:00:16and hello to two well educated young men now running the country.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Ah, if only! When we've not been saving Chilean miners,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23we've been saving our pennies, because as the year draws to a close
0:00:23 > 0:00:26it seems the only people making any money are the bankers -
0:00:26 > 0:00:29people like him. Look at them all there!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Definitely bankers. If only there was another way to pay the bills!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Well, maybe there is.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Get a job as a celebrity! With the right - well, any - qualifications,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46you too can be flouncing up red carpets and quaffing champagne.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50With our step-by-step career guide, we'll show you how to make it big
0:00:50 > 0:00:53in the world of show biz. So sit back, put your posh frock on
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and get yourself on Twitter, because this time next week
0:00:56 > 0:00:59you'll be getting papped inside Asda.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So this is our first tip to get your foot on the glittering ladder
0:01:33 > 0:01:35of celebrity - stand out from the crowd.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Go on, show off a little. And where better to begin
0:01:39 > 0:01:42than with Tyneside royalty and celebrity extraordinaire, Cheryl Cole?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Here she is aged seven, modelling kids' clothes
0:01:45 > 0:01:49at a shopping centre. As you can see, she's not alone.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52So how does she elevate herself above the competition?
0:01:52 > 0:01:57By throwing in a little funny walk. The other girl's got no comeback! But everyone seems to like it.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00We said we weren't going to do that dance, didn't we?
0:02:00 > 0:02:05Except him. He sounded well annoyed. But that won't stop Cheryl from working the crowd!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08The colours in this story are going to wow you.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Those of you who can remember bombing up and down the pavements
0:02:12 > 0:02:14on your bicycle, you want to be noticed.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, there'll be no stopping her now. Hang on - riding a bike,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19dressed like that? Is he having a laugh?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Anyway, what does our Cheryl do next?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26That's it - she throws in a funny face to complement the funny walk.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's textbook, Cole, textbook.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Well done, girls!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- How old are you, Cher?- 12.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Before the X Factor, Cheryl Cole wannabe Cher Lloyd
0:02:37 > 0:02:42began climbing the celebrity ladder by entering her local newspaper's talent competition.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Unfortunately it was at such an early stage in her career
0:02:45 > 0:02:49that she hadn't quite mastered the art of singing in proper sentences.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51# You're a song
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# Written by the hands of God
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- # Don't get me for...- You what?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59# This might sound to you a bit odd
0:02:59 > 0:03:02# But you own the pla-ace... #
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Ah, bl-bless!
0:03:03 > 0:03:07So as we can see, one way to appear truly unique and original
0:03:07 > 0:03:10is to enter a talent show. Once there,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13you can turn the star quality up and get rid of the competition.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17She's only 14, and she comes from Anstruther in Fife. She looks good,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20she sings well, she moves well. She's singing Venus.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24She's Edith Bowman! AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:03:24 > 0:03:27ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL INTRO
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Before Edith was spinning records on the radio,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34she was murdering them on this Scottish talent show.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- # A goddess on a mountain top... - Hang on. Did he say 14?!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40# Burning like a silver flame
0:03:41 > 0:03:43# The summit of beauty and love
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# And Venus was her name
0:03:48 > 0:03:50# She's got it
0:03:50 > 0:03:52# Yeah, baby, she's got it... #
0:03:52 > 0:03:55She has got it, all right. But you can get pills for that now,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57and it clears up in no time at all.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# I'm your fire at your desire
0:04:01 > 0:04:03# She's got it
0:04:04 > 0:04:06# Yeah, baby, she's got it. #
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Blimey, I hope that's not catching.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12# I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone...
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Oh, look, it's little Justin Bieber - everyone's favourite Justin,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20apart from my mate Justin, who's loads better than him. He's really nice.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22# A little respect when you get home... #
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Anyway, here's Justin demanding our respect
0:04:25 > 0:04:28whilst wearing clothes three sizes too big for him.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31SAX-LED INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- NARRATOR LAUGHS - Miming a sax. Priceless!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Or has he just got a nasty case of Bieber fever?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Apparently that can affect your coordination.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Yeah, he's definitely got it. Which reminds me...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- "VENUS" INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE - Oh, no!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Oh, it is much worse than I thought, this.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58If you do know someone who has got Bieber fever,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01don't go near them, and burn their clothes to stop it spreading.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- It's the only way. - # She's got it. #
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Justin Timberlake!- Clap your hands!
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Here's another Justin now. This one's at a talent show in Memphis.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I hope he's OK.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17# Well, she's my Lady Luck hey, I'm her wild-card man
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# Together we're building up a real hot hand
0:05:20 > 0:05:24# We live out in the country and she's my little queen...
0:05:24 > 0:05:28He's definitely got something, but has he got "it"?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# Sometimes we fight just so we can make up... #
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh! Yeah, he has, actually.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35# Like the crops need the rain
0:05:35 > 0:05:37# And we're two of a kind... #
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Country and western, fancy dancing and a Newcastle United top.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44That's a hat-trick!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Oh, no. That's a hat-trick. That's... Oh, forget it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52# This time I found a keeper. #
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Let's see if Edith's got a prescription yet.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56# I've got it. #
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Oh, that's a relief. Are you sure she's only 14?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Enid, just 14 years old. No wonder her father's tearing his hair out.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07That lot might not have had The X Factor, but if you're young,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10all you really need is the "ahh" factor.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Is there anything more relaxing than a rubber duck and a hot bath?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Dannii Minogue's even got a song about it!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- # Rubber ducky, you're the one... # - Whoa! Where did she pop up from?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27You don't need surprises like that when - whoa, there's another one!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30# Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you
0:06:30 > 0:06:33# Rubba-dubba-ducky... #
0:06:33 > 0:06:36What the duck is that up there? That's like the duck version
0:06:36 > 0:06:38of that rabbit in Donnie Darko.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43# Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you... #
0:06:43 > 0:06:46From this day forward, Dannii was too frightened to ever bath again.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- She's showered ever since. - DUCK QUACKS
0:06:49 > 0:06:50It's on the radio.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53On the other hand, Naomi loves sharing a bath
0:06:53 > 0:06:55almost as much as she loves a tantrum.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Have you met Janet and April? - Hello.- Do you wet your bed?
0:06:59 > 0:07:04- Not every night.- I do! - Oh, that's not true!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- There's a special word for that. Did you know that?- "Incontinence"?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- "Nitwit".- Yeah, she's laughing now, but moments later,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Naomi threw a loofah at that woman's head.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Is this your daughter? Is this Miley?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Here's a very young Miley Cyrus being urged to show off her talent
0:07:24 > 0:07:27by her father, Billy "Achy-Breaky Heart" Cyrus.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Let's look at Daddy. - Hey, Miley, look in the camera.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Do your eyes one time. Do your eyes, Miley.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36If my dad had that haircut, I'd be doing that face all the time.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Do your eyes! AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Smells good!
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Ahh, Hogwarts! Oh, no. I think that's Dover.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Go away! No boys here!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56But that is young Daniel Radcliffe, before he held aloft his famous wand
0:07:56 > 0:08:01in that nudie play he did. I think it was about a horse.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03If you please, ma'am...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06If you please, Aunt,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I am your nephew, David Copperfield.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Ooh!- I've been very unhappy since Mama died,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- and my stepfather hates me. - All right. Nobody likes a moaner.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22But "ahh" factor aside, there's still one adage that always counts.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Most people don't know this, but Tiger Woods started out as a ventriloquist's dummy.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32And he's an accomplished golfer. He wins tournaments regularly.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36That guy's rubbish. I can see his lips moving!
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Incredibly, Tiger here is only five years old.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Tiger's no dummy... - "Gottle o' geer."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- ..so he took up golf instead. - He's five years old.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Tiger Woods!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Not only was this his first televised round of golf,
0:08:51 > 0:08:55it was also the first time he reversed a golf buggy into a fire hydrant.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58APPLAUSE
0:08:58 > 0:09:01When I'm 20, I'm going to beat Jack Nicholson.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Jack Nicholson? He's not even a professional golf player.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09But if you're not blessed with real talent, there is another option.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17And where better to do it than in the gladiatorial arena?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20This one was in Birmingham, just off the M6. It's signposted.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Let's meet the guys. Tonight, Alex Reid...
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Before he was Jordan's fella, Alex Reid was a person in his own right.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30But in those days, he sometimes went under another name.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- Welcome to Gladiators, Alexander the Great.- Of course!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Yes, that's what she said. And coming up now is a master class
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- in bigging yourself up. - I understand you're a bit of a star.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Go and watch Sliding Doors. - Can we see you in that?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- You certainly can. - Really? Whereabouts?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51In the bar, in the restaurant. Quite a big scene!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Quite a big scene, you say...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57There's a waiter with a pineapple. That can't be him.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00There's that waiter again. Is that him? Oh!
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- I wonder what Gwyneth's saying? - Me and Gwyneth are like that.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Yeah. And then you wake up, right? - No, really.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"What are you called on Gladiators again?"
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Alexander the Great will seal your fate.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- His power will make you second-rate. - Whoo!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18That is pretty impressive. He's bound to win now.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Alex powers up the Travelator. Magnificent contender!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Tops the hill from hell and finishes it off!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Yeah! Second.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Alexander the Great didn't conquer tonight, but I'm still happy.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36How much have you enjoyed the whole Gladiator experience?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- I've just got one word to say. "Top banana"!- That's two.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42THEY LAUGH
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You've either got it or you haven't, and if you have,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48then, flaunt it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Babes! This is more like it. Ooh, I don't think much of her.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Hello and welcome to a brand-new show, Babes.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02It's not just a beauty contest. And our final contestant is Cat!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, that makes more sense.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10From that look, we can tell that Cat's got the claws out tonight!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13We know you've got your claws out for Elliot,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16but who would you really like to get your claws into?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Reasonable question.- I'd like to run my nails down someone's back,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- but I don't think it's yours. - Well, that's him told.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Tough luck!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- They're all drop-dead gorgeous, but we're going for Kimberley.- Oh!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Cat Deeley lost the battle, but I think she won the war,
0:11:33 > 0:11:38or the "phwoar", as they probably say on Babes... Oh, forget it!
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Now that I broke it down for you, Matt will run it from the top.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Ready, Matt?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Here's Glee's Matthew Morrison strutting his stuff
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- in this instructional dance video. - Kick it! Huh, huh. Good.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53FAST-PACED DRUM MUSIC Kick it.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56One more. Again.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Whoo!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Well, he's all right, but he's no Louie Spence, is he?
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Louie's got charm, humour, grace... Whoa! Tiny red pants!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Squeeze it, Pats. Three. Four.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So many questions. Why is Louie doing a workout with Bianca?
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Where's Ricky? And can those pants get any smaller?
0:12:13 > 0:12:18Oh, yes, they can. I should've kept my mouth shut.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20And one, two, three.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Four, five, six.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I didn't know there WERE smaller pants.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Oh, it's happened again!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Bit close to the edge there!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Two steps back, Louie!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I was only joking!
0:12:37 > 0:12:41And here's Matthew Morrison's street interpretation
0:12:41 > 0:12:43of the Louie Spence Pant Dance.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47And four, five and six. Ahead, and eight.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Please welcome Dominic Littlewood!
0:12:50 > 0:12:51CHEERING
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Even in this early TV appearance, Dominic wasn't shy
0:12:55 > 0:12:57about flaunting it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- Good to see you.- Your other half, the one you're trying to find,
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- has a nickname for him, which is... - Donkey Dom.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08AUDIENCE MOANS
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Because you're stubborn, or is there another reason?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14There's another reason.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17When my other half goes out with the girls clubbing,
0:13:17 > 0:13:22- she wears as little as possible. - What, less than Louie? Surely not.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- She flirts with all the fellas... - What, more than Louie?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- ..dances outrageously. - Show me what she does.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33This is how she dances, Dale. RAUNCHY MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:33 > 0:13:35CHEERING
0:13:35 > 0:13:37My God!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- You loved every minute of that! - I hated it.- You are such a show-off!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Talking of which, how's Louie getting on?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57We're going to do some bums. We're going to lift our hips up.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59We're going to squeeze.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Oh, now, that is just... That's quite hypnotic, actually.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Five, six, seven, eight.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09We're going to open and close the legs.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13One, two. Keep the hips lifted. Four.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Quite fancy an apple all of a sudden. Maybe a Cox's Pippin?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Leave the legs together and push. - Oh, this is a killer!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23But it's good.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Let's move on to our next tip from the modern-day career manual
0:14:27 > 0:14:30of star-making tips. Oh, dear. It's a simple one.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- PIANO MUSIC PLAYS - Now, somewhere on this stage
0:14:36 > 0:14:39is One Show presenter Alex Jones. There she is, with the hair,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I think.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- CHILD COUGHS - I wish that kid would stop coughing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Thank you!
0:14:49 > 0:14:50ALL SING
0:14:50 > 0:14:53This is like a Where's Wally picture,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55but with Christine Bleakley. She's here somewhere.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59She's in a white shirt and a tie, so we should be able to spot her.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03She's there, above the blonde one. I think that's her, anyway.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Stop zooming out! You're creating more of them!
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Before she was Paloma Faith, she was salsa queen Paloma Blomfield.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- My name's Paloma Blomfield. - That's her real name!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Do you want the truth, or something beautiful?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Once you're on and you start moving, it starts coming naturally.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25It's almost like animals when they show off to each other.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- I like that aspect to it. - I don't like to show off,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33but I do a pretty mean salsa myself. Then I dip some tortillas in it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Lovely!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- THEY PLAY "MEN OF HARLECH" - Oh, it's Alex Jones again.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42She took up the violin to get away from that kid having coughing fits.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Sadly he took up the trumpet, so there was no escape.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- HE PLAYS OFF-KEY - Oh...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I see someone laid some flowers on the stage
0:15:53 > 0:15:56so we can all remember this poor, dead song.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Ah, beautiful! But to really make a name for yourself,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02you got to do more than just play a violin badly.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06If you want to be a star, you've got to act the part.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Kara Tointon was terrible at washing clothes.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14The colours ran, and her favourite top shrunk in the wash.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's that, then! I hope she's got something else to wear,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20cos there's not much else she can do.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Is this really worth making a programme about?- What can she do?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Get a new top? - What's the problem? Tight is cool.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30She should stop being tight and just buy a new top!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Excuse me? This top's shrunk.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36She keeps a bag full of smug looks for situations like these.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I washed it at 40 degrees, as the instructions say.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I think you'll find I'm entitled to my money back
0:16:42 > 0:16:46because thie item is not of satisfactory quality.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50And that thing with the hair and the pointy teeth is Jack Whitehall.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Not that one. That one! - His name's Cyril.- He's a menace!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No, he's not! He's a rabbit!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58If you don't give me that ball...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00THEY SQUABBLE
0:17:00 > 0:17:04If there was ever an award for the most cockney child,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Sid Owen would have a mantelpiece full of engraved jellied eels.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- That's my ball! - No, it ain't!- Yes, it is!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- You bust yours! - No, I didn't!- That's my ball!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'll have it in a minute! Now, shut up!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I want to go to the toilet!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22As a child, Kimberley Walsh put the "loud" into Girls Aloud.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25'I'm going to put Mummy into the dustbin.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29'And Daddy in the dustbin, Steve in the dustbin,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33'Jamie in the dustbin, Jessica in the dustbin!'
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Danny in the dustbin... Isn't that just a list of members of Hear'Say?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Let it go! They won Popstars, but you did so much better.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43'And then I'm going to play all on my own!'
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- But even if you are bursting for the toilet...- I'm finished!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49..there's one piece of advice you ignore at your peril.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54That's good.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59That's the best Irish coffee you'll taste this side of Wicklow.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03What's this? Is it an ad for some fancy perfume?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Oh, no - it's an arty film with Scott Maslen
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- about love, romance... - SQUELCHING
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Oh, and diarrhoea. - Excuse me, please.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17'I couldn't believe it!'
0:18:18 > 0:18:21HE GASPS Oh, man, that's raw!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24What's he eaten - a Rubik's cube?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26HE GASPS Why now?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31HE SNIFFS
0:18:31 > 0:18:33HE COUGHS
0:18:34 > 0:18:39If that clip put you off your tea, this next one will put you off fish and chips for life.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Viewers with a prudish disposition, and Alex Jones, look away now.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Looking mouth-watering already
0:18:47 > 0:18:51is the unfeasibly curvaceous Alex Jones from Wales.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Are you worried about this game? - Just slightly.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I think my bikini might come off.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's flattened down your Welsh assets, hasn't it?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Well, just a bit. - Makes a change for you!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It's Phil into the water, with great gusto.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10The idea is pretty simple. Alex is a fish,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12but with clingfilm instead of scales,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15so the young men have to fish her out, skin her,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18roll her in egg, batter her, then put her on a table
0:19:18 > 0:19:22with some big firm chips and giant peas. We've all done it!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Please be careful with Alex's bikini. Please!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Thank heavens, both girls come away de-scaled but unscathed.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38And any scrap of dignity they've managed to cling on to quickly goes
0:19:38 > 0:19:42as they're rolled around in the first of the trays, which is egg.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Very different carrying techniques get the girls into the flour,
0:19:46 > 0:19:50where they must receive a generous all-over coating.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Kelly's the first out of the batter, and now Alex.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And England are right on their heels!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- The girls look more like mermaids. - It's in this moment,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02when the boys are stuffing their pockets with foam peas,
0:20:02 > 0:20:07that Alex realised she needed a change of career. She also had egg in her pants.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I can smell the egg. It's disgusting!
0:20:09 > 0:20:15Yes, so can I. How do you think she shapes up as a piece of fish?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I think she's well battered.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21We'll add the laugh on later. NARRATOR LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Dressing up as a giant Welsh fish isn't for everyone. No, seriously,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27it isn't. It's not all about how you look.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30It's time to make all the right noises.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Welcome to the Fun Song Factory! - Have you just got up, Ozzy?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Aston, the back-flipping king of JLS,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38used to work in a factory for a big bear.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40# Polly, put the kettle on
0:20:40 > 0:20:42# Polly, put the kettle on...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44He made tea!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46# We'll all have tea
0:20:46 > 0:20:49# Cookie, take it off again...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51He got told off for making tea.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# Cookie, take it off again
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# They've all gone away. #
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- And he had a great day. - I've had a great day today!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- That's good, Cookie! - Very easily pleased in those days.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- Really?- Before Xtra Factor, Konnie Huq worked in a meat market...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08# Roll up, roll up
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# Come along to Smithfield... #
0:21:11 > 0:21:13..with a young Jude Law
0:21:13 > 0:21:17and a room full of ridiculous cockney stereotypes.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20THEY ALL SING LIVELY MARKET SONG
0:21:25 > 0:21:27This lot even turned the young Sid Owen away.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- No, it ain't!- Yes, it is! You bust yours!- No, I didn't!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Here's Britain's Got Talent judge Amanda Holden
0:21:33 > 0:21:36teaching other kids how to sing. This is bound to be good!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39THEY ALL SING IN HARMONY # The hills fill my heart
0:21:39 > 0:21:45# With the sound of music... #
0:21:45 > 0:21:47She owns that stage.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50# My heart wants to sing every song
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- # It hears - # Every song it hears... #
0:21:55 > 0:21:57THEY ALL SING DIFFERENT PARTS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03She's made that song her own.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07THEY ALL CONTINUE DIFFERENT PARTS
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Oh, Amanda, you're just what this show needs.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16# I go to the hills. #
0:22:16 > 0:22:20But if you are lucky enough to be blessed with the voice of an angel,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22it's better to be seen and not heard,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25so this is our next tip - get yourself noticed.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30Remember Timmy Mallett? Course you don't! You're only 17.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34But look who's sitting behind that turntable like a ginger Harry Potter!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It's Chris Evans! Look!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Remember The Bill? Oh, come on. It only finished a few months ago.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Well, look who's right at the back of this shot. It's James Corden!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46There he is! Oh, he's gone again.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49No, no, no. He's back again.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Alex Reid would call this being a male lead.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- I've just got one word to say - "top banana"!- That's two.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58THEY LAUGH
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Oh, now that copper's blocking him. He's probably taking his shirt off
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and slapping his belly, if I know Corden.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Swatch set up a UK collectors' club last year.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Somewhere among these keen Swatch collectors is Welly Lollough...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Lelly... Her off This Morning. You know the one I mean.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20There she is. Holly, probably Willoughby, about 13 in this clip.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I like it. It's different.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Is there a doctor in the house? No, but there's one in this boat.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Rowing four, Hugh Laurie...
0:23:27 > 0:23:31You see what I did there? Because he's Dr House... Forget it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35This is Mad Lizzie. She got her name after she ate 45 boiled eggs
0:23:35 > 0:23:38in one sitting. But behind her is Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42And this is a first, because, if you watch carefully, he smiles.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I know! Smiles!
0:23:44 > 0:23:50Craig, of course, went on to judge other people dancing. Hmm!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52This leads us nicely on to our next tip.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57That's terrible!
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Here's a young David Tennant in this '80s anti-smoking video,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04with his hands in his pockets. Then out of his pockets.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Then back in his pockets. He's time-travelled his way
0:24:07 > 0:24:10around the continuity department. On me head, son!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17After football, young David loves nothing more than a cigarette.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21If it's good enough for Rooney, it's good enough for Dr Who.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I hope that's not your last. I'm dying for one.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26No, I've got plenty. Take one.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Don't be miserable. Give your friend one!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- She doesn't want one. - What's wrong with you?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Our cigarettes not good enough or something?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37It's nothing to do with that. I don't smoke.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42But as this unpopular, badly dressed girl no-one wants to talk to proves,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- smoking is for losers. - Please yourself!- Right, guys?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Come on!- Aye, just a minute!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Well, I'm away now. See you later, OK?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54So smoking's not clever or glamorous.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Which leads to our next career tip -
0:24:56 > 0:24:59always present yourself well.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oh, no! It's Alex Jones again.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04The last time she lay down in the sun
0:25:04 > 0:25:08she was covered in egg and foam chips, so she's come a long way.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10SHE SPEAKS WELSH
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- This is a kind of travel show, dating thing.- .."cop off."
0:25:16 > 0:25:18One of them is going to cop off with someone.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- ..Hawaii 5-0! - SHE SINGS THEME TUNE
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- SHE SPEAKS WELSH - I'll level with you.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30When Alex is wearing a bikini, I don't really concentrate
0:25:30 > 0:25:33on anything that's not Alex Jones in a bikini.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I've only just realised they're speaking Welsh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:39SHE SPEAKS WELSH
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I'm not sure, but I think this is Welsh too,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and that is Penelope Cruz in the eye patch.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48SHE SPEAKS SPANISH
0:25:49 > 0:25:52One thing I am sure of is, that boat will never make it out of harbour,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54even with that flag.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Quinta Marcha!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59After all that, the most important thing
0:25:59 > 0:26:02is to hit the right note. Oh, forget it!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hey, guys! What's up?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Now, who's this?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I'll give you three... Oh, you've already got it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yes, it's Lady Gaga before the hair, the costumes
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and, indeed, before she'd written any songs.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20SHE PLAYS MOODY INTRO
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Do you guys like reggae? - ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING
0:26:37 > 0:26:41"Anybody just like chatting about stuff? I haven't written any songs."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44THEY PLAY MELODIC PHRASES
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- You like Led Zeppelin?- Yeah!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- CHEERING - This dude does.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53This is Katy Hudson before she became Katy Perry
0:26:53 > 0:26:56and then Katy Brand - not that one, the other one -
0:26:56 > 0:26:58howling like she's just trod on a plug.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01SHE SINGS, LYRICS INDISTINCT
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I struggle with fear a lot, because...
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I kind of let myself struggle with fear,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and I found out this whole dramatic situation
0:27:13 > 0:27:17where I was feeling, "If I don't get my little feet and my little hands
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"and some courage, something will bite them off."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I don't know if you've ever had that feeling, but...
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I bet old Russell would bitey-witey your feety-weety
0:27:26 > 0:27:29if you left them dangling out the bed.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32You don't have to do all that stuff so God can come to you.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36He'll meet you later - honestly.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Katy used to be part of the God squad
0:27:38 > 0:27:41before she started kissing girls and liking it.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44A very similar thing happened to me, actually.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46SHE SINGS, LYRICS INDISTINCT
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Here's 13-year-old Leona Lewis, dressed like a comedy Frenchman
0:27:57 > 0:27:59or a burglar, stealing the show with her lovely voice.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Did you see what I did then?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03SHE SINGS "MY HEART WILL GO ON"
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Don't you hate it when you get cramp in your microphone finger?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10You've just got to shake it off, haven't you?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11# I believe
0:28:11 > 0:28:17# That the heart does go on... #
0:28:19 > 0:28:24Yes, I voted for her to win, and I want to marry her. What of it?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27SHE SINGS PASSIONATELY, LYRICS INDISTINCT
0:28:29 > 0:28:33If you've tried all our tips and still can't see a way in,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36hug a tree, become a vegan and wear shoes made of straw.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Yes, if all else fails, go green!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45What Please Save Us The World means to me
0:28:45 > 0:28:49is that, with one song, not only can grown-up people change the world,
0:28:49 > 0:28:51but so can an 11-year-old kid.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55Jennifer wants to save the world, and her career,
0:28:55 > 0:28:56with this little ditty.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59# We are young
0:28:59 > 0:29:03# But our voices must be heard
0:29:03 > 0:29:05# The time has come
0:29:06 > 0:29:09# To hear the children of the world
0:29:09 > 0:29:13# And all that we are asking for
0:29:13 > 0:29:16# Is air that we can breathe
0:29:16 > 0:29:19# An ocean safe to swim in
0:29:19 > 0:29:23# And a forest that still has trees
0:29:23 > 0:29:26# Won't you please
0:29:26 > 0:29:30# Save us the world
0:29:31 > 0:29:33# Please
0:29:33 > 0:29:36# Save us the world... #
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Please stop us the song!
0:29:38 > 0:29:42# Time is running out
0:29:42 > 0:29:45# For kids like me. #
0:29:45 > 0:29:48It's supposed to be about saving the planet, not you!
0:29:48 > 0:29:50The message here is clear.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53If you want to save precocious little stage-school kids,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56always, always recycle.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00So what lessons have we learned to get you through the interview
0:30:00 > 0:30:02and onto the front pages of the glossies?
0:30:02 > 0:30:06- Do whatever it takes to get noticed. - Hey, Miley, do your eyes!
0:30:07 > 0:30:12Don't be afraid to big yourself up. Throw in a few tricks.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- And above all, never act desperate. - Oh, man, that's raw!
0:30:15 > 0:30:17But before you employ someone to remove all your blue M&M's
0:30:17 > 0:30:22and run a pure-mineral-water bath, make sure you know the rules.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26- Cheryl will dance however she wants. - We said we weren't going to do that!
0:30:26 > 0:30:30- Sid Owen will always be a cockney... - That's my ball!- No, it ain't!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Aston Merrygold makes a cracking cup of tea.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35But above all, if you do something embarrassing,
0:30:35 > 0:30:39you can bury it, and no-one will ever find it until years later,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43unless you get really famous, and then we'll use it as inspiration
0:30:43 > 0:30:47for future stars like you now, sat there in your pants and socks.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50- I think she's well battered. - So sing it,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52shake it and let everyone know what you want.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55I want to go to the toilet!
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- One day you'll rise to the top of your game.- Top banana!
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Someone will spot your star quality and say you've got it.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03RAUNCHY INSTRUMENTAL
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I've got it.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08To play us out, here's Dannii Minogue again,
0:31:08 > 0:31:12with the Aussie Stig and what looks like Louis Walsh in a costume.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16# Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
0:31:16 > 0:31:18# In other words
0:31:18 > 0:31:21# Hold my hand
0:31:21 > 0:31:24# In other words
0:31:24 > 0:31:27# Roger, kiss me...
0:31:28 > 0:31:30HE CHIRRUPS
0:31:30 > 0:31:34Oh, it is Louis. He's saying he definitely thinks that maybe...
0:31:34 > 0:31:38"Simon, what do you think? Because I think what you think. That's what I think."
0:31:39 > 0:31:43That's it from me. Good luck on the slippery ladder of fame,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46and I'll see you on the cover of Nuts in your best underwear.
0:31:46 > 0:31:47Good night.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51# On Jupiter and Mars
0:31:51 > 0:31:53# In other words
0:31:53 > 0:31:56# Hold my hand
0:31:56 > 0:31:58# In other words
0:31:58 > 0:32:02# Roger, kiss me
0:32:08 > 0:32:10# In other words
0:32:10 > 0:32:13# Please be true
0:32:13 > 0:32:16# In other words
0:32:16 > 0:32:18# I love you! #
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:32:20 > 0:32:22E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk