0:00:14 > 0:00:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Good evening! Hello! Hello, everybody!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Thank you so much, thank you.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Now...
0:00:28 > 0:00:31we start tonight with the big one, the all-new,
0:00:31 > 0:00:37all British McLaren MP4-12C, and there are two questions -
0:00:37 > 0:00:40one, why have they named it after a fax machine?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- LAUGHTER - And two -
0:00:43 > 0:00:47how can it possibly be as good as a Ferrari 458?
0:00:52 > 0:00:57McLaren themselves admit that the 458 is a great car.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03But they say that scientifically and mathematically, they can prove
0:01:03 > 0:01:09that in every single measurable way, their new car is better.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well, certainly, at £168,000,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50it is a tiny bit... I was going to say cheaper,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53let's say less expensive, than the Ferrari.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58It's also a tiny bit kinder to the environment,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02a tiny bit lighter, a tiny bit more economical.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It's also quite a lot more powerful.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20The Ferrari has to make do with just 562 horsepower.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Whereas the twin turbocharged 3.8-litre V8 in this
0:02:24 > 0:02:28churns out 592.
0:02:39 > 0:02:45The result is simple - 0-60 takes 3.1 seconds.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49The top speed is 205.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And though it's close,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55the Ferrari cannot live with that.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00And it's a similar story when the going gets twisty.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22I love that Ferrari, and it is as quick round here as it an Enzo.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28But I think this is quicker still.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Ferrari has been in the Formula 1 game longer than anybody,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36but McLaren, amazingly, has a higher hit rate.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40They've won one in every four Grand Prix they've ever entered,
0:03:40 > 0:03:45which shows they certainly know how to make a car go round a corner.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And my god, they've worked their magic with this.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58You can see the Ferrari waggling its tail there. This isn't.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02This grips onto the road like a terrified toddler
0:04:02 > 0:04:05grips onto its mother's hand.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10So, Lewis Hamilton, watch and learn, this is how you pass a Ferrari...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17..without crashing into it. Oh, yes!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30One of the reasons the McLaren is so fast
0:04:30 > 0:04:32is its traction control system.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37A system that really comes into its own in the rain.
0:04:44 > 0:04:50It lets you drive hard, but it won't let you kill yourself.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And that is just the tip of a technological iceberg.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01There's a flap on the back which raises when you brake hard -
0:05:01 > 0:05:05so you can't see what's about to crash into the back of you.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09And then we get to the suspension -
0:05:09 > 0:05:12a computer has replaced the anti-roll bar,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15so all four wheels are truly independent of one another.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20This gives you better cornering, and more importantly, a better ride.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28Over the years, we've seen the Stig cutting this corner,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32putting two wheels on the grass to get the best possible lap times.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42But if you ride a bump like that in the sort of hunkered-down,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44firmed-up cars that he drives...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51..the jolt is horrific, it's like being dipped in liquid nitrogen
0:05:51 > 0:05:54and then hit with a hammer, you just sort of shatter.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59In the McLaren, though, it's a very different experience.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Here we go, two wheels off the track.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You'd get more of a jolt if you
0:06:06 > 0:06:09drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17I've never driven a supercar that's even half as comfortable as this.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Or as well-trimmed.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25It's all exquisite leather and stitching and beautiful graphics.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31It's simple, elegant, a truly lovely place to sit.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35So, yes, in every scientific and mathematical way,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38this is better than a Ferrari 458.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41It'll even do 30 miles to the gallon.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45But there's something missing, something that can't be
0:06:45 > 0:06:48measured, something you can't really put your finger on.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53There's no...zing.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00This is the factory where the McLaren is made.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03It's like a laboratory.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06It's quiet, ordered, a magnesium and titanium Trappist world,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10where perfection isn't quite good enough.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14It's very nice, but you can't imagine anyone here has ever
0:07:14 > 0:07:18put a whoopee cushion on the managing director's chair.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25You sense this lack of joy when you're behind the wheel.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29When you drive a Lamborghini, it's like you're operating a horse,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32with some mustard stuck up its bottom.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34But when you drive this,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38it's like you're operating the sort of machine they use I imagine
0:07:38 > 0:07:41in ophthalmic surgery.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46We see the same problem with the way the McLaren looks.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51There's nothing wrong with it, but there's no art.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56You get the sense it was styled by software and shaped by science -
0:07:56 > 0:08:00which it probably was.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I'll give you another example - you can turn the traction control off,
0:08:04 > 0:08:08but it would be easier to launch the missiles from a nuclear submarine.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You've to push that button, and hold it down for 10 seconds,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14then you push those two simultaneously.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I said to one of the engineers, why does it have to be so complicated?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21And he said, "Why would you want to turn the traction control off?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I said, "It would be fun." And you could see him thinking,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"Mmm, fun - I must look that up in a dictionary.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights - very practical
0:08:35 > 0:08:37and very sensible.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45The Ferrari, though - that is a pair of stockings.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57APPLAUSE
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- What?- What are you on about?
0:09:09 > 0:09:14Well, tights and stockings are designed to do exactly the same job.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Mmm.- But they don't.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I don't know, I only wear socks, Jeremy.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Can we just move on from the hosiery, chaps, back to the car?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Is the ride really that good?- Like a Rolls-Royce - unbelievably smooth.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31And do you know why? Wasn't developed at the Nurburgring!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- He's off again. - True fact, true fact.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Was developed, actually, at the Top Gear test track, this car.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41So, it should be able to set a blisteringly fast lap time.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44To find out, we have to give it to our tame racing driver.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Some say that he refuses to acknowledge
0:09:47 > 0:09:50the existence of Nottinghamshire.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55And that he recently had a strong e-mail from his fiancee's mother,
0:09:55 > 0:10:00saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03All we know is, he's called The Stig!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:07And it's off.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11MP4-12C may sound like a fax machine, but this car is fast,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13no doubt about that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Double clutch gearbox shifting seamlessly,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18going through the first corner.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No dramas whatsoever!
0:10:21 > 0:10:25MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by Abba
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Stig listening to Abba in Spanish, very weird!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Almost as weird as the way it takes Chicago - strangely calm, that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Squirrely under braking into Hammerhead.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Now, the mute of the corner.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And it's really gained its composure completely.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43McLaren have actually been fiddling with the car since I drove it,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46so the ones you buy will have a sharper throttle.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- "DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS - And more noise, OK.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52A chance to really open up the twin turbo V8.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54How much is he going to clip the corner?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Not a lot, but he won't have felt a thing.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Just two corners to go now.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Air brake helping out there, tyres squealing. Only Gambon left!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Millimetrically perfect!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And here he is, across the line!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11APPLAUSE
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Now...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16OK!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Here is the Ferrari 458.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The Ferrari Enzo...
0:11:23 > 0:11:28The MP4-12C, 1:16.2!
0:11:28 > 0:11:33It is the second fastest car we've ever had here!
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Now, on Top Gear, we love hot hatchbacks.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45The idea of a sporty car and a practical car
0:11:45 > 0:11:48all rolled into one is hugely appealing.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Yes. But while we all agree that hot hatchbacks are brilliant,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54we cannot agree on which one is best.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57So, the producers decided we should sort this out
0:11:57 > 0:12:01on a European road trip, beginning in the Italian town of Lucca,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03which is in Italy.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:12OPERA PLAYS
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I was the first to arrive, and as you can see,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20my choice was superb.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24This is a Citroen DS3 Racing,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and it does everything a hot hatchback should.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31It is bonkers to look at, and with 204 horsepower under the bonnet,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34it's bonkers to drive as well.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38But it still has back seats that fold down, it's still small,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41it's relatively inexpensive, it's...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Ah! It seems Mr May has arrived
0:12:44 > 0:12:46in a driving instructor's car.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51This...is a Renault Clio, but
0:12:51 > 0:12:54it's the Cup version.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And it is, pound for pound,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03the most exciting car on sale - not my words,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07not mine - the words of Autocar magazine.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Autocar?- Yes. - The magazine that sacked you?- Yes.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I could point out that it's £16,000 and yours is what, 23?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Where's your air con, cruise control, sat nav...?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- It's got air con. - It's an optional extra!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- And it's been selected! - What is it, 197 horsepower?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27- Yeah.- 204.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- That's very nearly as much power as yours.- In the same way
0:13:31 > 0:13:35that the Egyptian Army is nearly as powerful as the American Army.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38'Mercifully, at this point, Hammond arrived...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'..in a car from the 1950s.'
0:13:44 > 0:13:49Gentlemen, behold! The Fiat 500 Abarth Convertible!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- The best hot hatch ever. - Apart from a couple of things - one,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56it's not very hot, and two, it's not a hatchback.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- I'm with him.- It is hot. This one has got 158 brake horsepower.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Wow!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Just a couple of things - small, yes it is.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- What have you...? This is enormous, the Clio.- Yes.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13You've brought one of those ridiculously gaudy training shoes
0:14:13 > 0:14:17with springs at the back, that go, look at me!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Have you seen the writing?!
0:14:19 > 0:14:23This would look good on the deck of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26We're not on the deck of a Nimitz-class,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28we're in a beautiful Italian plaza.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- You know what this is? - What?- Juvenile.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Juvenile?!- I have to say, one thing...- Juvenile!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37This is just a small French car!
0:14:37 > 0:14:42- It has an optional extra on it.- Air conditioning, yes.- Something else.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Ah, yes. No... I didn't do... I...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48What this means in Italian is, "Bell end."
0:14:48 > 0:14:52James, just a headline to sum up the cars.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Magnificent, ridiculous... (It's a bit boring, bland.)
0:14:55 > 0:15:00It might look boring... It isn't boring because... What are these cars about?
0:15:00 > 0:15:05They are about the sensation of driving, and this will give it to me because it's a small Renault
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- and they're the best in the world at that.- It's about fun and experience. It looks magnificent.- Looks?!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- You can put the roof back... - But it isn't a hatchback.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18It's like turning up to do the Grand National on a cow or a hen.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20It's not!
0:15:20 > 0:15:25'Seeing that this was going nowhere, the producer stepped in with a challenge.'
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- This is a no-brainer. - A man with a thing...
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"To see which of your cars works best in the urban environment,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"you will now leave the city of Lucca."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Is that it?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41< Yep.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45What, just drive out of a town? How hard can that be?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49As it turned out, very hard,
0:15:49 > 0:15:55because in this medieval walled city, the streets were a complete maze.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Now, I think a left here. Oh, I can't go down there.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I can't go left.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Right, but it doesn't matter too much.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'll just go along here and then turn right.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Ah, no, there isn't a right. It's just somebody's drive.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I HAVE to go left.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17One way. Really?! You don't say(!)
0:16:17 > 0:16:20JEREMY LAUGHS
0:16:20 > 0:16:26Every single turn you make puts you in exactly the same road as the one you've just left.
0:16:26 > 0:16:32Also, in any other city, the Renault and the Citroen would be considered quite small.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Cock.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36But here, they were huge.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40And...breathe in.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Bloody hell.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45That's a squeeze.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49No, it's not going to fit. Sorry.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Since when did the Renault Clio become an enormous car with a huge turning circle?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Happily, the Fiat was small enough, but I had another problem.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01This just isn't working.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06The visibility in the C version with the sliding roof,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10with the roof back, is, you know, it's good compared to, say,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13having a bag on your head or being blind.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Eventually, I decided the best thing was to abandon ship.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22Right, I'm leaving the car here. I'm going to go ahead on foot.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27I know I can make it on foot, find the way out, come back, pick up the car, drive out and win.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31This...this must be James's idea of hell.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34He gets lost in a hotel.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37That was a curve in that road which was essentially a right,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41but now I've gone to the left, so I must still be going the right way.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Driving through somebody's restaurant.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Hang on a minute...
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Is this... Is this the square where I started?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Yes, it is.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Hang on.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05That... That's the wall.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07That's the city wall.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I've found it! There it is!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16A bit of a hill. Wasn't expecting that. Never mind.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Er...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24No, it's that way.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Gearbox works.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Reverse, first, both good.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Meanwhile...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I think that ramp may have been a bit of a mistake,
0:18:33 > 0:18:39because the view from here and the view over that way of trees
0:18:39 > 0:18:42suggests I am actually on top of the wall. Still, could be worse.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Hi.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51MAN SPEAKS ITALIAN Yeah!
0:18:51 > 0:18:57Have you seen a Fiat, a small black and white Fiat... on your travels?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Nothing to see here.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Just a man driving on top of a historic monument.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Eventually, I found my car and the way back to the city wall.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20That's the first time since I left that I've gone fast enough to activate the central locking.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25But outside the city gates, Professor Smug was already there.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yes, there's no missing it, is there?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31A man standing next to a child's training shoe.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Did you see Lord Lucan(?)
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- No.- Oh, he's there. Shergar.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37They're all in there.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42'Even though James wasn't with us, another challenge then turned up.'
0:19:42 > 0:19:44RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT Right.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48"You will now drive to the town of Canelli,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"which is 170 miles away, near Alba.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"En route, you must collect the following items.
0:19:55 > 0:20:02"A branch of a cedar tree, ice cubes, a photo of as many people as you can getting into your car,
0:20:02 > 0:20:08"a CD from a service station - but you may not get out of your car to get it -
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"a bicycle, a vine and a dog."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14A dog?!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15A vine? A bicycle?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20- Whereabouts on the Riviera are you going to find...? - And a branch of a cedar tree...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- Oi!- May!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Yeah?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- What are you doing up there? - I can't find the way down.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32After the idiot explained his predicament, we filled him in on our new challenge.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Dog?!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- That's what I said, "A dog"! - What's the point of that?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It's to see how practical the car is.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Well, off you go, then.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44So we did.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Autostrada, here we go.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57And as we headed north, we fell even more in love with our cars.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04If you have a big BMW or Mercedes, it's like an expensive suit,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08so it has to be a sober colour - silver, black, grey.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11But if you have a hot hatch, it's like a T-shirt.
0:21:11 > 0:21:17It can be anything you want - have writing on it, it can be orange, anything.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20That's why the DS3 Racing is so brilliant,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24they've just taken the idea of fun and gone mad with it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Fizzy little car.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31RICHARD CHUCKLES
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Just setting my cruise control, Hammond - are you able to do that?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Sorry, it's a bit windy in here. I'm just going to close my roof.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Have you closed yours already? Oh, you can't open it!
0:21:42 > 0:21:47In all fairness, the Fiat and the Citroen are very similarly equipped.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50There are more things on the Citroen, but this has everything you need.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56Operate the stereo from the steering wheel, electric windows, electric roof that opens. Ha-ha(!)
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Meanwhile, very far behind, Captain Sense Of Direction
0:22:01 > 0:22:04had finally found a way out of Lucca.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Bursting out into the sunlight...now.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I don't doubt that the others will be bleating on
0:22:15 > 0:22:19about how they have sat nav or leather upholstery, or whatever. But that's not the point.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25Renault has concentrated on the things that make this a hot hatch rather than just a hatchback.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30So your money goes on the engine, this lovely steering wheel, this fabulous gear change.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You get a dull interior. It is very boring, very basic.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36But I want this car to drive.
0:22:45 > 0:22:51Soon, we were in the hills and ready to start our challenge.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54A bicycle, dog.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58What else have we got? Ice cube. Get that near the end or it'll melt.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'm going to pull in here
0:23:00 > 0:23:04and attempt to buy a CD without getting out of the car.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Branch of a cedar tree...
0:23:08 > 0:23:10A vine.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14To make life harder, the producers hadn't given us any money to buy things.
0:23:17 > 0:23:23Fortunately, production has supplied me with some potential bartering items.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28I have a CD here of Robson & Jerome's love songs, and I've also got this one, the...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33A Cockney Christmas With Chas & Dave.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Do you speak English? - A little bit.
0:23:36 > 0:23:43Er... I may not get out of the car. Chas & Dave - molto populare Inglese...er...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- I don't understand.- ..pop group.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47BELL RINGS OUT
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Can you go really far? Really far. Good, good, good.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55There's three in the front right away.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57OK, let's go.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Suspension's gone down a bit. That's ten.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04In we go. Oh, thank you, madam, for helping.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Right, I reckon we'll get another four in the front. Oh, cyclist! You'll be thin.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Skinny as a stick. Yes!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Scusi, signora.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20It's his bottom. You've got his bottom in your face there.
0:24:22 > 0:24:2312.
0:24:23 > 0:24:2513.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It's the 13th.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31That is 13 people in a Citroen DS3 Racing.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Beat that, Hammond. Beat that, May.
0:24:34 > 0:24:3614. Count 'em up!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Oh, that is magnificent. That's for Italy.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43If I just do one for Italy, for Fiat. Ya-ha! We're all excited.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Er...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Chas & Dave?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Robson e Jerome? Molto bene.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Since we had to be at the finishing point by six
0:24:58 > 0:25:04and there were bonus points for getting there first, it became a very busy afternoon.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Yes, that's a vineyard.
0:25:07 > 0:25:13TRANSLATION:
0:25:13 > 0:25:16No, the CD, OK? In the shop?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Um, I'm a scientist
0:25:20 > 0:25:24and I'm investigating the possible medicinal healing qualities of vines.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Now, I am able to offer you in part exchange
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- this commemorative plate. - MAN GUFFAWS
0:25:32 > 0:25:37- This! The swap.- OK...
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- For a vine...- Si.
0:25:40 > 0:25:47- I can give you molto valuable Wills and Kate souvenir wedding bell.- Ah, OK.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That is a good stereo.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Can I just clarify, I'm not looking for bicycles to steal.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09Anyway, there's a policeman there. But it's a policeman on a bicycle.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18There you go. Off-roading.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh! Is that a cedar tree?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Citroen - pfff! Renault - ha! Fiat...- Fiat.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Ha! Better.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- Very, very good, Fiat. - Yes, exactly.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37To show very good - bicycle in it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42It's a police bike in a Fiat, it's just better!
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Hang on.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I'm so hot.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52HE GASPS
0:26:54 > 0:26:57How am I going to get a bicycle in here as well?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Grazie.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- You don't have police dogs, do you? - Eh?- No, never mind.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Oh, God! It smells terrible.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20There were now just 20 minutes left
0:27:20 > 0:27:22in which to scavenge our remaining items.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I've got to get a cube of ice. Not difficult.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28A dog...
0:27:28 > 0:27:33How do you scavenge a dog?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Come on. Come on.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Right, the final thing, ice.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Thank you so much for doing this.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50You are so kind. Tres gentil.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Could you just stay here? I have to get an ice cube.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN - Uno minuto.- OK.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03Really got to hurry now. It's melting.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Come on.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Quicker, little Citroen.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Have you ever been in a car with a tree growing out of the back, Theo?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Probably not.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18James, too, had found a dog,
0:28:18 > 0:28:23but sadly his speed was limited by his ice cube transportation system.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Which meant there was plenty of time for conversation.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I like dogs and cats.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41I've just got a wet seat.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43That doesn't count.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46There's one left.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- SCRAPING - Sorry about the noise. It's the tree dragging on the road.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54My ice cube is melting.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02It's very pretty here, isn't it?
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Now, come on. Don't melt.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Coming through.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15- SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN - Huh? Oh, it's there.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- THUD! - Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Oh, no!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Er, that's...- OK, yes.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31- That's an actual person. - Yes, yes. First of all, well done, Hammond. Well done, well done.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33That's ice, as is that.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35- As is that.- Yes, it is.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- Where's your dog? It's not a dog. - Yes, it is.
0:29:38 > 0:29:44- What this is, it's an acrylic fur stuffed with industrial waste. - That's no way to talk about a dog.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Yes, it is. Do you think this is a dog, dog?
0:29:46 > 0:29:51Look at that. That's proof enough for me! You can have that, little friend.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57James arrived just as the last of his ice cubes melted.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00- Good evening.- Good evening.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02- This is Francesca.- Hello, Francesca.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- Francesca, this is Jeremy and Richard.- Let me guess.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08- Christ, has he made you pregnant? - No.- No.- You work fast, mate!
0:30:18 > 0:30:22Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Over the years, we've had many guests on this programme.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27All different sorts. Men, women,
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Americans, Germans.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31A lesbian.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32LAUGHTER
0:30:32 > 0:30:35We've never had a Canadian, though.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37That, however, is ABOOT to change.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ryan Reynolds!
0:30:41 > 0:30:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- Hello, sir! How are you? - I'm very well, how are you?
0:30:47 > 0:30:49I'm very well, thank you.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Hi, everybody. Hello, hello.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53CHEERING
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- Hello!- Have a seat.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- I'd love to.- Have a seat.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01- It's like looking in a mirror! - It really is!
0:31:01 > 0:31:03- It really is!- Not for you!
0:31:03 > 0:31:07So, 2010, you were voted the sexiest man alive.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:31:09 > 0:31:11That was 2010, though!
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I'm on the lecture circuit now!
0:31:13 > 0:31:16I was just thinking, your schooldays,
0:31:16 > 0:31:20were they just a blizzard of snogging and smooth moves?
0:31:20 > 0:31:25No, it wasn't that. I was a bit of a little pariah at school.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27I have three older brothers,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29all of whom were kicked out of this very same school,
0:31:29 > 0:31:32so from the moment I got there, I was a marked man.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33What were they kicked out for?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Just random things. Just mostly drugs and violence.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38OK!
0:31:38 > 0:31:42And I was kicked out for something I think you'd appreciate.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44I was kicked out for stealing a car.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- Stealing a car?- But wait, I didn't actually steal a vehicle.
0:31:48 > 0:31:53What we did was, a teacher that we had was just 100% awful,
0:31:53 > 0:31:56he had this little car, one of those little Volkswagens,
0:31:56 > 0:32:00and so my friends and I just played an April Fools' prank on him.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03We picked it up, we lifted it up and carried it down the block,
0:32:03 > 0:32:04about eight of us.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08We talked about this last week. The best fun you can have with a little car is pick it up
0:32:08 > 0:32:11- and turn it round so it's facing the other way...- Fun practical joke.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13That's a better idea,
0:32:13 > 0:32:17because in Canada, if you move it more than ten feet, it's a felony.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19I didn't know that.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21So you moved a car more than ten feet
0:32:21 > 0:32:22and then that was grand theft auto?
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Yeah, one city block was, yeah, 100% grand theft.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Now, obviously, sexiest man alive, 2010,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32but reading through your notes, also clumsiest man alive.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Mmm. Oh, definitely, yeah.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38There's a thing... Zurich, Switzerland -
0:32:38 > 0:32:40it is impossible to hurt yourself in Zurich.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43You go there, you eat cheese and then you come home.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- So, how did you manage to hurt yourself?- I jumped off a bridge.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49But there was water below.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52And I dove in and I broke a vertebrae by diving in.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- You've also been run over? - I have been run over, yeah.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I was 19 years old, I was in Vancouver and I was at a bar,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I had a few drinks, left my car and decided to walk home.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- Being responsible.- Exactly.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09And I was crossing the street, it was about two in the morning
0:33:09 > 0:33:11and I was hit by a drunk driver.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12So, yeah.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:17I always wondered if he tells people that he got hit by a drunk pedestrian.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19LAUGHTER
0:33:19 > 0:33:20- I would.- So did that hurt?
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Yeah, that was bad. I broke a lot of bones.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25That was all the left side of my body I broke.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28But I was 19, so at that point, you're just made of rubber and magic.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30LAUGHTER
0:33:30 > 0:33:34- You healed?- Yeah.- Bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back,
0:33:34 > 0:33:38was skydiving the perfect hobby to take up?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40God, you're like my mother!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- LAUGHTER - Old enough!- Just killing me!
0:33:43 > 0:33:46My friends were trying to get their licence,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49so I decided I would get my licence, skydiving,
0:33:49 > 0:33:55and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful!
0:33:55 > 0:33:57And then it was 13!
0:33:57 > 0:34:01And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03and I had to pull the reserve.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09you're flying down at 120 miles per hour,
0:34:09 > 0:34:10and when your chute doesn't open,
0:34:10 > 0:34:13you seriously have to think about pulling the other one.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16That's the weird thing. Time slows down and you're thinking,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19"If I pull the other one, then I'll have none left."
0:34:19 > 0:34:20LAUGHTER
0:34:22 > 0:34:25"So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens."
0:34:25 > 0:34:29And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute,
0:34:29 > 0:34:31which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field
0:34:31 > 0:34:35which contained only a dead horse. I don't know what omen that is.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41but I just landed next to a dead horse.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- You have a new film out, Safe House. - I do, yeah.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47- So when's the movie out?- The film is out February 24th here in the UK.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50We have a clip of that, which we're going to show for you now.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Let's have a look.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57TYRES SQUEAL
0:35:22 > 0:35:23APPLAUSE
0:35:23 > 0:35:25That's a good crash!
0:35:25 > 0:35:27It was a good crash!
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- That's Denzel Washington. - Yes, backseat driving right there!
0:35:34 > 0:35:36- Elbowing you in the face!- Yeah.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39So what is it about? Give us the plot, give us the story.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44I play a guy who's what's called a safe house operator, a housekeeper.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48There are CIA-owned apartments and flats all around the world,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50and they're run by usually a low-level CIA guy.
0:35:50 > 0:35:54And then, one day, in walks Denzel Washington's character,
0:35:54 > 0:35:57who's probably one of the world's worst murdering,
0:35:57 > 0:35:59sociopathic Hannibal Lecter types.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02And I'm left to deal with this guy,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05who I'm deeply ill-equipped to deal with.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- So it's not like The Devil Wears Prada, then?- No!
0:36:09 > 0:36:11It's not The Proposal II.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14- It's not a romcom.- No, that's good.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18- Can I just say that God is normally quite fair...- Yeah.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21..with his dishing-out of talents. For instance, David Beckham,
0:36:21 > 0:36:23he's said, "He's going to be very good-looking,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25"talented footballer,
0:36:25 > 0:36:29"and to balance that up, I'll give him a squeaky voice."
0:36:29 > 0:36:32You're funny and good-looking and not fat...
0:36:34 > 0:36:36..where's your squeaky voice?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- What's my...?- Have you got BO?
0:36:38 > 0:36:42- Have I got 41 nipples? - Have you got very tiny testes?
0:36:42 > 0:36:45It's like Braille down there, Jeremy.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47LAUGHTER
0:36:49 > 0:36:51- A very short novel. - That's what it is - Braille.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Yeah, the whole system.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Everybody has... I have a lot of things wrong.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59I'm blind, I'm deaf,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02I've got no sense of smell cos I have a cold,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04which I haven't mentioned.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Thank you for the tongue kiss earlier.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09LAUGHTER
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Just went deep with it, too!
0:37:13 > 0:37:16No, we all have crazy faults.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19My fault isn't something horrendous, like,
0:37:19 > 0:37:21"I can't stop murdering children."
0:37:21 > 0:37:24- LAUGHTER - I just can't stop.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I like to think I'm a horrible driver...
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Horrible or bad?
0:37:28 > 0:37:32I ride motorcycles everywhere, so you can race up through traffic,
0:37:32 > 0:37:37it's bumper to bumper, and when the oncoming traffic is stopped, you just go right up the middle.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40But I have this tendency when I am in a vehicle to think
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I can slip that entire vehicle right up the middle.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46And it's only at the last second when I'm hitting the brakes, coming to a halt.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- You remember you're in a car. You like bikes? - I like bikes a lot, yeah.
0:37:50 > 0:37:51What sort of bikes?
0:37:51 > 0:37:56I have an old Paul Smart Ducati, which is a nice little bike.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57I know what a Ducati is!
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- Yeah, Ducati. I have a Deus. - Is it "Deuce" or "Day-us"?
0:38:00 > 0:38:02- "Day-us", yeah.- It's D-E-U-S?
0:38:02 > 0:38:04That's how we pronounce it,
0:38:04 > 0:38:08but you guys say "Niss-un", so I have no idea what's happening.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Every car's pronounced differently in America.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14The Hyundai's a "Hundee". "Nee-sun, Vee-dub-ya, Jag-war.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15"Bee-em-dub-ya."
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Here, what is it, "Jag-yur"?
0:38:17 > 0:38:20- "Jag-yoo-ar." How it's spelt.- Yeah.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:24 > 0:38:26No, I'm sorry, that was mean of me!
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Now, you came down here to obviously
0:38:31 > 0:38:34try your hand in the Kia Cee-apostrophe-d.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35What was your goal?
0:38:35 > 0:38:39My goal was just to see if I could drive a manual car.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I haven't done that since high school, so that was interesting.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44- Really?- Yeah.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- Who'd like to see Ryan's lap? - Oh, boy.- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:38:47 > 0:38:48Play the tape!
0:38:51 > 0:38:53'Aggressive start. Crisp day.'
0:38:53 > 0:38:56That smells exactly like clutch.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58'Smells like clutch?
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- 'Clutch does smell like clutch.' - 'Does smell bad, yeah.'
0:39:00 > 0:39:03'Annoying thing. The wide Formula 1 line in there.'
0:39:03 > 0:39:06'I'm a big guy, I make that whole car look like a children's toy.'
0:39:06 > 0:39:10- 'You should see me in it.'- 'Looks like a sweater, made of metal.'
0:39:10 > 0:39:12LAUGHTER
0:39:12 > 0:39:15'Every time I shift, I make a dumb face.'
0:39:16 > 0:39:18- 'That's wide, that's really wide.'- 'Terrible.'
0:39:18 > 0:39:21'No, it could give you a fast... Where are you going?'
0:39:21 > 0:39:22BLEEP! BLEEP manual! BLEEP!
0:39:22 > 0:39:24'Yeah! There! Right?'
0:39:26 > 0:39:29'The beep machine has obviously blown up...
0:39:29 > 0:39:33'Now, keeping it tidy through the lines there. Yes, pretty good.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35'Very good, actually.'
0:39:35 > 0:39:36Very good.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40'Are we going to be able to find fourth?'
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Turn from hell coming up.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45'Oh, yeah, this turn, not fun every time.'
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- 'That's almost beautiful.'- 'Yeah.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50'That's what I call the adult diaper.'
0:39:50 > 0:39:52'Whoa, that's cutting that one!
0:39:52 > 0:39:55- 'That's quite uncomfortable at that speed.'- 'Yeah.'
0:39:55 > 0:39:59'Look at it gripping. That's nicely done. Not too cheaty on the cutting.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02'And around Gambon.'
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- There we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line!- There we go!
0:40:05 > 0:40:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:07 > 0:40:09Wow!
0:40:09 > 0:40:11So...
0:40:11 > 0:40:15Where would you like to appear on the board?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I'm going to say somewhere in the middle.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21Didn't you... Actually, I know you did, cos you told our researchers,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24you were desperate, cos you went back out...
0:40:24 > 0:40:26- "Do you mind if I have another go?" - "Give me another shot."
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Cos you wanted to beat Tom Cruise.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33Yeah, I did want to beat Tom Cruise. I wasn't talking about the driving, though.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35LAUGHTER
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Yes, I'm going to guess that I have 1:45.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43- 1:45?- And that's being really generous.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45- You did a one...- Ugh!
0:40:47 > 0:40:49- This is terrible.- ..forty...
0:40:49 > 0:40:51OK, there's a four.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52- ..three...- Oh!
0:40:52 > 0:40:54AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:40:54 > 0:40:57..point seven. You beat Tom Cruise!
0:40:57 > 0:40:59You're a faster driver!
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Wow!
0:41:02 > 0:41:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Wow! All right!
0:41:06 > 0:41:10- Congratulations.- Give me that cold!
0:41:11 > 0:41:12Take that back!
0:41:15 > 0:41:16This is...
0:41:17 > 0:41:22Wow, that's worth getting your pneumonia for!
0:41:22 > 0:41:23I love that!
0:41:23 > 0:41:26Life just gets worse.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31You look like that and you're funny and you're a film star
0:41:31 > 0:41:34and you can drive.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Yeah, but I break every bone in my body
0:41:36 > 0:41:40almost with the cycle of each moon, so don't worry.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41I'll hurt myself on the way out.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you,
0:41:44 > 0:41:47- and a pleasure for those girls to stand so close to you.- Thank you!
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Reynolds!
0:41:50 > 0:41:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:57 > 0:42:01Now, tonight we are reviewing the boring Renault Clio Cup...
0:42:01 > 0:42:03- It's not boring.- Yes, it is.
0:42:03 > 0:42:08..the childish Citroen DS3 Racing and the excellent Fiat 500 Abarth.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11So far we've found out what they're like in town,
0:42:11 > 0:42:14what they're like at being hatchbacks, but now it's time
0:42:14 > 0:42:17to find out what they're like when you put your foot down.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20The producers told us to leave our overnight halt,
0:42:20 > 0:42:24here in the foothills of the Italian Alps, and drive to Monaco, down here.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Right, at last.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47A chance to drive this little thing.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Steering just feels fabulous.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Oh! A little crackle and bang on the overrun.
0:42:52 > 0:42:53Ha-ha!
0:42:55 > 0:42:59Oh, yes, this thing grips!
0:42:59 > 0:43:03The grip is helped, I don't doubt, by it being short and fat,
0:43:03 > 0:43:06so it's foursquare on the road.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Oh!
0:43:08 > 0:43:11I don't think I'd change anything about this.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19In a straight line, this is by far the fastest of the three.
0:43:19 > 0:43:230-60, 6.5 seconds.
0:43:23 > 0:43:27The funny thing is, even though it's called "the Racing"
0:43:27 > 0:43:31and it was designed by Citroen's motorsport division,
0:43:31 > 0:43:35it doesn't actually feel like a racing car or a rally car.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39It feels soft, it feels very Citroeny, quiet.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41And then there's the steering.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43There's no feel to it at all.
0:43:43 > 0:43:48You sort of have to guess how much lock to put in for each corner.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Is it this much? No, more.
0:43:58 > 0:43:59Here's a fact.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03Hammond has a 1.4-litre turbocharged engine,
0:44:03 > 0:44:06Jeremy has a 1.6-litre turbocharged engine.
0:44:06 > 0:44:12I have two litres, no turbocharger, and that's important because there's no lag.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15There you go. Through the bend, there's the power.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19The trouble was, though, it wasn't actually getting me anywhere.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23Hammond's little boot thing takes off like a rocket.
0:44:23 > 0:44:26He's getting away!
0:44:26 > 0:44:29The problem with that Renault is, brilliant though the suspension is and so on,
0:44:29 > 0:44:34it weighs more than the QE2 and you can see that coming out of the corners. It doesn't get going.
0:44:36 > 0:44:40(Though that could have something to do with its driver.)
0:44:40 > 0:44:43An interesting old bell tower over there.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Eventually we reached the Riviera.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54There's the Mediterranean, glistening blue, which is amazing
0:44:54 > 0:44:57considering how many turds there are in it.
0:44:57 > 0:45:02As we approached Monte Carlo, I heard a familiar sound.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05- ENGINES ROAR - Chaps...
0:45:07 > 0:45:10..I think the Grand Prix is on.
0:45:10 > 0:45:11Oh, my God,
0:45:11 > 0:45:16- I think, down there... - Which Grand Prix?
0:45:18 > 0:45:24- Have either of you two ever watched the Monaco Grand Prix?- I think I watched it in the early '80s.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26That's the one in the town, right?
0:45:26 > 0:45:31Never has anyone had to work with such imbeciles.
0:45:31 > 0:45:37In the hills above Monaco, we were told to pull over for a challenge.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39- ENGINES ROAR - I love that sound.
0:45:39 > 0:45:44"Tomorrow, you will do three laps of the Monaco Grand Prix track.
0:45:44 > 0:45:48"Whoever posts the fastest time wins."
0:45:48 > 0:45:49The Monaco Grand Prix track?
0:45:49 > 0:45:53I'm going to drive around...that?!
0:45:53 > 0:45:58My hair is... Seriously, that is just the boyhood dream!
0:45:58 > 0:46:03Hang on, if we've got to do hot laps of the actual... That puts you at a bit of an advantage.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Not really. I've never actually driven round it when it's a racetrack.
0:46:06 > 0:46:11- I don't know the fastest line through Rascasse! - I don't know what Rascasse is!
0:46:11 > 0:46:15I don't know where it goes. You know how difficult I find it remembering a track.
0:46:15 > 0:46:19- Am I going to get a go round? Can I look at a picture of it? - I don't know!
0:46:19 > 0:46:21Exactly! I'll be driving around a foreign town.
0:46:23 > 0:46:29When the Grand Prix practice was over, we went in search of some F1 drivers so we could get some tips.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32And immediately, I found David Coulthard.
0:46:32 > 0:46:38And the key here is speed up the hill, not speed into St Devote.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42Concentrate on really getting that car turned,
0:46:42 > 0:46:46early on the power, because what you gain here, if you get on the power two metres early,
0:46:46 > 0:46:49you'll add five kilometres an hour to your top speed.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53- So there is a noticeable crest there?- Yes. You'll see as you're coming over the crest.
0:46:53 > 0:46:58- You've got a lot of grippy tarmac there.- On the apex?- On the apex.
0:46:58 > 0:47:01Meanwhile, down in the harbour,
0:47:01 > 0:47:04my colleagues had been rather distracted by all the parties.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07- Thank you, gentlemen.- Oh!
0:47:07 > 0:47:10Look confident. Look like you do this all the time.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13- Grab that woman with the things on sticks.- What?
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Where would you try in a road car to go by?
0:47:16 > 0:47:20- A good run through the tunnel and then on the brakes. - The left-right?
0:47:20 > 0:47:26So, over the crest, then as soon as you see his brake lights come on, count and you're in.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28- And then go on the left, stay left? - Yeah.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31We're doing a bit of driving around the track, you know,
0:47:31 > 0:47:34analysing some of the corners.
0:47:34 > 0:47:40- So, if you live in Monaco, do you drive around where the track is? - All the time.- Good.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43What hints have you got for me? I've got to drive around it tomorrow...
0:47:43 > 0:47:47Use the kerbs at four and five. It gives more grip.
0:47:47 > 0:47:48- Four and five?- Yeah.
0:47:48 > 0:47:52- And at Rascasse, I can take a lot of entry speed into that...- Yeah.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55..and then use the front-wheel drive to wash it off?
0:47:55 > 0:48:01Well, it's very much a party sort of place. It has very elegant properties.
0:48:01 > 0:48:07It's like Monaco in many ways, actually. Have you ever been to Hammersmith?
0:48:08 > 0:48:12At the end of the evening, we met up to compare notes.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16Have you found anything about the track out?
0:48:16 > 0:48:20- Yes, I have.- It's just over there, there's all these boats, and it's really busy.
0:48:20 > 0:48:24- Have you talked to a single racing driver?- Yes, we have.- Who?
0:48:24 > 0:48:29A very nice man called Tim O'Glock. An Irishman...
0:48:29 > 0:48:31- Timo Glock!- Timo Glock, yes.
0:48:39 > 0:48:43The next morning, the producers decided that because the track has no run-off areas,
0:48:43 > 0:48:48and is very dangerous, none of us could drive around it unless we had a bit of tuition first.
0:48:48 > 0:48:53Richard's tutor was Red Bull team boss Christian Horner.
0:48:53 > 0:48:57I got former Renault boss Flavio Briatore.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00And Jeremy was given an elderly gentleman.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03Bernie Ecclestone.
0:49:03 > 0:49:08- Bernie Ecclestone, as I live and breathe! How are you this morning? - Good. (Michel!)
0:49:08 > 0:49:15- Bernie?- Listen, we need these other two cars disqualified, huh? - No problem, no problem!
0:49:15 > 0:49:18It was time to begin.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20There's a flag waving. Oh, we're off.
0:49:20 > 0:49:24- Try and hook a right here. - We have to stay left, I reckon.
0:49:24 > 0:49:28No, you have to go there. JEREMY LAUGHS
0:49:28 > 0:49:34- Bernie, you old cheat! - We gained a bit!- We gained a lot!
0:49:34 > 0:49:36Let's go over to the right a bit, shall we?
0:49:36 > 0:49:41- And then... What was that lift, what was that lift?!- I didn't need to lift there, did I?- No!
0:49:41 > 0:49:46- JAMES:- I have to slow a bit. - Further. Go down with the gears. Jesus Christ!
0:49:46 > 0:49:50- That's a tight right.- Brake, brake, brake. What are you doing?
0:49:50 > 0:49:53Brake. Oh, my God!
0:49:55 > 0:49:59There are actually people watching as well. What do they expect, I wonder.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01They expect an accident.
0:50:06 > 0:50:10- You lifted!- I'm terrified! I don't know what's going to happen! - Oh, God!
0:50:11 > 0:50:13- JAMES:- It's secondo for this one.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16Just brake, Jesus Christ.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19- Be careful now, huh?- Yep. - Left, right...
0:50:19 > 0:50:20It's too complicated, this.
0:50:20 > 0:50:25Get the kerb on the left. You missed it. Get the curb on the right. You missed it.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Try and get this kerb.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29Christ, we missed that one as well!
0:50:29 > 0:50:31- Now, Rascasse.- Brake now.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34- Oh, really late?- Accelerate now.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37Tuition over, we ditched the teachers...
0:50:37 > 0:50:40- That was good. Come on, that was good!- Jesus Christ.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43..and set off on our warm-up lap.
0:50:43 > 0:50:48I am out of my depth to a degree I've never before experienced.
0:50:48 > 0:50:52The crowds were beside themselves as we started our first lap.
0:50:54 > 0:50:55Here we go.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01OK.
0:51:01 > 0:51:02Now, this creeps up on you.
0:51:08 > 0:51:09Whoa!
0:51:09 > 0:51:13BLEEP! BLEEP!
0:51:15 > 0:51:18- I'm struggling, I'm struggling! - Come on, Rich!
0:51:23 > 0:51:27Wait till you can see the Armco before braking. That's now.
0:51:37 > 0:51:42- Flavio corner. - ITALIAN ACCENT:- Jesus Christ-ah!
0:51:50 > 0:51:51I caught them up.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57Well late going in there. Get in, get in.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03It is simply terrifying. You just have no...
0:52:03 > 0:52:06I mean, look - fine, dead.
0:52:15 > 0:52:18- Oh, dear God.- That's Hammond dealt with in the tunnel.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21Now, James will not know where he's going.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23OK, now we come down to the chicane, I think.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26Or is it Raser-ma-casse-er-ma-casse?
0:52:29 > 0:52:33Jezzer's going to have me here, I can feel it coming.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40Under-braking. Get the grip from the zebra.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44Got him.
0:52:45 > 0:52:46Get this kerb.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53Ooh, this is risky. I don't know the way!
0:52:53 > 0:52:56Hammond, you bugger.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00Oh, God almighty! I may have cocked that up a bit.
0:53:02 > 0:53:07We now had just one lap left. It had to be a fast one.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14My last ever lap of the Monaco Grand Prix track.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16Don't mess this corner up again, Jeremy.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18Whoa!
0:53:20 > 0:53:22JEREMY LAUGHS
0:53:22 > 0:53:26Just leave it in third.
0:53:28 > 0:53:30Change into second.
0:53:33 > 0:53:34That was better.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37- ITALIAN ACCENT:- Careful, the barrier! It comes out-ah.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41Get it in now.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54Flat, flat, flat!
0:53:56 > 0:53:57Oh!
0:53:57 > 0:54:02- Aargh! He's getting away! - My mighty Fiat roaring in the tunnel at Monaco!
0:54:04 > 0:54:06Topless women. Mustn't look.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11I can see why racing drivers love this track. You are just on it.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Don't... Oh, God, strewth.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27I think this is it.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Come on, everything you can.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36Oh, my God!
0:54:36 > 0:54:39What an extraordinary day!
0:54:39 > 0:54:42Hee-ha-ha!
0:54:42 > 0:54:45I have to say, that's pretty special.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49What a fantastic moment.
0:54:49 > 0:54:55Thank you, Bernie. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
0:54:58 > 0:55:04- CHEERING, APPLAUSE That was amazing.- It was.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06I really...
0:55:06 > 0:55:09I really do mean that.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11I really do,
0:55:11 > 0:55:14I've never had a day I've enjoyed more, working, than that.
0:55:14 > 0:55:19It was amazing. I'm not exactly steeped in F1 folklore, but still,
0:55:19 > 0:55:23that was the most amazing track driving experience I've ever had.
0:55:23 > 0:55:25And I've always thought the Monaco track worked
0:55:25 > 0:55:31because of where it was, the harbour and the palace. But you could pick it up and put it in a field
0:55:31 > 0:55:34in Lancashire, and it would still be a fantastic thing to drive around.
0:55:34 > 0:55:39Yeah, absolutely. It would certainly be better than the Nurburgring, wouldn't it?
0:55:39 > 0:55:43- LAUGHTER - It is now time to work out which of these cars is best.
0:55:43 > 0:55:46We begin with the getting out of Lucca challenge.
0:55:46 > 0:55:50- Jeremy, I believe you arrived first. - Yeah.- So you get ten points.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53- Good.- Hammond, you were second, so you get five points.
0:55:53 > 0:55:57And I, of course, was last so I only get two points.
0:55:57 > 0:56:03However, the producers have said that any man who loses his car
0:56:03 > 0:56:07in the city is actually disqualified. So, Hammond, I'm afraid you've got nought.
0:56:07 > 0:56:12Oh, I can see where this is going already.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14Nought for that. Now, the scavenger hunt -
0:56:14 > 0:56:19er, Hammond, you finished first, so you get ten points.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21I was second so I get five.
0:56:21 > 0:56:23James, you were last so you get two.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26However, because your ice cube had melted,
0:56:26 > 0:56:28I'm afraid you lose a point for that so you actually only get one.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32- Oh, dear.- Interestingly enough, Hammond, the producers said
0:56:32 > 0:56:37- that because your dog wasn't real, that is minus two points. - Minus two?- Yes.
0:56:37 > 0:56:43And also because your cedar tree turned out to be a larch, that's another minus two.
0:56:43 > 0:56:48- Yeah, and finally, you didn't get a CD. So that's minus... - Oh, let me guess! Is it six?
0:56:48 > 0:56:51- Yes, it is!- Is it? Is it really?
0:56:51 > 0:56:55- So, six and two...- Is nought. - Yes, it is. Nought for that.
0:56:55 > 0:56:59People in the car - James, you got 12.
0:56:59 > 0:57:04I got 13 in the Citroen. And you got nought.
0:57:04 > 0:57:06- I got 14 for that.- What?
0:57:06 > 0:57:11- I got 14!- No, the producers have said that because your people weren't actually in your convertible,
0:57:11 > 0:57:16- there were sort of on it, you were disqualified, so...- They were in it! Oh, for God's sake.
0:57:16 > 0:57:21Nought. Now, the big one, the lap times. Hammond...
0:57:21 > 0:57:24I did it in the Fiat in two minutes 20 seconds.
0:57:24 > 0:57:26Ooh, two minutes 21.
0:57:26 > 0:57:27Close.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29This is tricky.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32Well, I've got to look pleased now, haven't I, without being smug?
0:57:32 > 0:57:35You're not pulling that off.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37- Two minutes 15.- Oh, God.
0:57:37 > 0:57:40- So, I get ten points.- Do you?
0:57:40 > 0:57:44Er, wait a minute, you get...
0:57:44 > 0:57:47Well, it can't be nought this time, can it? I finished!
0:57:47 > 0:57:52You get five, and you get... I'm afraid last again, so that's another two.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55OK, so, let's tot up the totals.
0:57:55 > 0:57:59Jeremy, you have 38.
0:57:59 > 0:58:01Excellent. The Citroen has won.
0:58:01 > 0:58:07- I've got 17, and Hammond, I'm afraid you have five.- Five.
0:58:07 > 0:58:10- No, you see, he doesn't.- Really? - No, because the producer said
0:58:10 > 0:58:14it was a test of hot hatchbacks, and you must have a points deduction
0:58:14 > 0:58:17for turning up in a car that wasn't a hatchback.
0:58:17 > 0:58:20Really? How many points does he lose for that?
0:58:20 > 0:58:24- It's five.- Is it really?! LAUGHTER
0:58:24 > 0:58:28- So, I get nought...again.- Yes.
0:58:28 > 0:58:33And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you very much for watching. Good night!
0:58:33 > 0:58:35CHEERING, WHISTLING
0:58:46 > 0:58:49Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd