0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Hello, good evening!
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Hello, thank you, everybody, thank you. Now.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28New cars come out so fast these days,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31sometimes it is difficult to keep up.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Nissan, for example, said the other day that over the next six years,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38they will be bringing out a new model every six weeks.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Happily, however, there are some car companies,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44usually Italian ones, that won't be rushed.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47That like to take their time, have some lunch.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51And nobody is better at this than Lamborghini,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53as Richard Hammond shall now explain.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05When it comes to their big V12 cars,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07their flagship battle cruisers,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Lamborghini really, really like to take their time.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Just these four - the Miura,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18the Countach, the Diablo...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23..and the Murcielago - span half a century.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And now, at last, there's a new one.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's called the Aventador.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It costs £248,000.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41And it's the closest thing to a stealth fighter jet
0:01:41 > 0:01:43that you'll ever see on the road.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51It even has a starter button that's straight out of Top Gun.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07The current boss of Lamborghini said recently that in the old days,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11the order of priority for Lamborghini was top speed, acceleration,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13and handling, in that order.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16The thing is, for this car,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18he says that order is the other way round.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Handling comes first, with top speed being given a lower priority.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26So, let's find out just how low a priority that is, shall we?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Whooooa! Waaaah-hah!
0:02:38 > 0:02:400 to 60, 2.9 seconds.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So they still care about acceleration, then!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46220 kilometres an hour,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48250!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51260!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56270. 280 kilometres.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Oh!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01290 kilometres an hour.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Oh, my God!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Oh, OK, and relax.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14If that's them giving top speed a low priority, bring it on!
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Flat out, the Aventador will do 217 mph -
0:03:20 > 0:03:23which makes it faster than the old Murcielago.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28How Italian is that?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32ITALIAN ACCENT: No top speed, OK, 270, no more, no more than that!
0:03:35 > 0:03:41This pulverising performance comes courtesy of the Aventador's massive 6.5 litre engine...
0:03:43 > 0:03:47..their first all-new V12 for almost 50 years.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51But what's surprising is that they bothered to make one at all.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57You see, these days, a lot of carmakers are shying away from bigger engines.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01BMW's new M5, for example, will have a V8 instead of a V10.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04AMG are ditching V12s in favour of V8s.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It's called moving with the times.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10But that's not so easy with a big Lamborghini.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15A V12 is kind of its signature dish, it defines the car.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19And the engineers insisted that whatever happened with the Aventador,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21it had to have a V12.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26And, of course, the by-product of a V12 is lots of horsepowers.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33This has got 691 of them, which in Top Gear maths is 700.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40That power is fed to all four wheels
0:04:40 > 0:04:43through a unique design of flappy paddle gearbox.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47It can change in less than 50 milliseconds, which...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I can't demonstrate that even if I blink an eye.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53There are other high-tech features too.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57We're in strada mode right now, which is for the road.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Let's put it in corsa, track mode.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Whoa, hang on!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07All right, fella, all right!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13That's absolutely brutal! It kicks you in the back of the head.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And now we're in corsa mode,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21let's find out how they've got on with their new number-one priority -
0:05:21 > 0:05:22handling.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Traditionally, always the scariest part of testing a big Lambo.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31OK, here we go, I'm nervous.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I'm OK.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Still on the track.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I'm in a V12 Lambo, I just threw it at a corner at insane speed,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55and it went round.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03So why am I not buried in row 85 of that 747?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07This is partly because the grip is just unbelievable.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Also it's got push-rod suspension which is very clever,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and unheard of in a road car - that's F1 stuff.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20So even when it's coming under some pressure, like that,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23the steering is just...
0:06:23 > 0:06:24It's just...I'm turning a dial.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So, whilst the Aventador looks as Miami Vice mental
0:06:32 > 0:06:37as everything else in its family tree, it's now a serious player.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43The noise it makes is spirited rather than deafening.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47The chassis is made from carbon fibre, not pig iron.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49The air-conditioning works.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54It's a proper car, rather than a machine that wants, most of all, to kill you.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59And that makes me a bit sad.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Basically, what's missing is that Lambo fear factor,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07that knot in the stomach test pilots must have felt in the '50s
0:07:07 > 0:07:11when they headed for the sound barrier in unproven jet aircraft.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Of course, you might think that's a good thing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20To be honest, I'm not so sure.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26If a big Lamborghini is all about pantomime, drama, theatre, which it is...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29..then I want people watching
0:07:29 > 0:07:32not just to go, "Wow, that's a stunning-looking thing."
0:07:32 > 0:07:37I want them to look at me inside and think, "Whoa, there goes Chuck Yeager Hammond.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41"He's brave." But in this, I'm not being brave.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45It's as easy to drive as a big Audi, that's the truth of it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50I finally understand what they mean by that, is it Helsinki syndrome?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52When people who've been kidnapped,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55when they're released, miss their kidnappers.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I don't know that I want to be in a big, loud V12 Lambo
0:08:00 > 0:08:04that doesn't every now and again try and kill me.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I miss that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Very good. - It's beautiful but it's just not...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I think he made a mistake.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Hammond... Whoa, hang on, hang on.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28- Hammond, did you say, did you say Helsinki syndrome?- Yes, I did.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29You mean Stockholm syndrome.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Yes I do. Yes. What is Helsinki syndrome?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I think it's when you're an idiot and get your syndromes mixed up.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Yeah, I've got it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Anyway, the Lamborghini. What you're saying is, it would be better if it were a bit worse.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48No, it's like that McLaren MP4-12C you drove the other week.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It is brilliant, undeniably.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- But somehow it's just not exciting enough.- He's right, actually.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I've driven this as well and it isn't boring
0:08:57 > 0:09:01but it somehow lacks that sort of Lamborghini theatre.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04It's too refined and it's sort of too clever.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It's as though Lamborghini are trying to be Ferrari
0:09:06 > 0:09:09instead of making cars specifically for...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Lunatics. Rod Stewart. Fish.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Tadpoles. What? - No, people who like a laugh.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18A Lamborghini should be an instrument of terror and this just isn't.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Well, now, let's examine the scale of their failure
0:09:21 > 0:09:24by seeing how fast it goes round our track.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Some say that his favourite T-shirt
0:09:29 > 0:09:33has a picture on the front of a T-shirt.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38And that he's spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41because he too has spent the last 2,000 years
0:09:41 > 0:09:45sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49All we know is, he's called The Stig.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54And he's off! Ooh, I love that pop as it shifts up.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Single rather than double clutch system.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Changes are still lightning-fast as he spears into the first corner.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Wobble under braking, shows how much speed he's already carrying.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He's got it all together for the exit.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10MUSIC: "Downtown" by Petula Clark
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Stig listening to Petula Clark in French, very unusual.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Clean through Chicago. Coming up now to Hammerhead.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Despite carbon fibre construction, this is still a big, heavy car.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Will it get out of shape? Not a bit of it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29None of the traditional Lambo flamboyance there.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31PETULA CLARK SINGS IN FRENCH
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Now, follow-through, the spoiler fully extends at 80 miles an hour.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42He's doing a lot more than that now.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Fast through the tyres, just two corners left.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Here he comes now. Hard on the ceramic brakes,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52an old V12 Lambo would have bitten him in the face by now.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Through Gambon and across the line.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Now...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Now, if we look here...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05..this is the old Lamborghini, the Murcielago,
0:11:05 > 0:11:10the LP670 did it in 1:19. Here's the Aventador.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- AUDIENCE:- Ooooooh...
0:11:15 > 0:11:191:16.5.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21CHEERING
0:11:23 > 0:11:26That's interesting, isn't it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:32So... So it looks absolutely fantastic.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37And it's faster round our track than a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And I think it's clear now why Hammond and May hate it so much.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Recent figures have shown that 71% of people across the UK
0:11:51 > 0:11:59still commute by car, and more people go to work by walking or by bicycle than they do by train.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Yeah, and the reason for that is very simple. Train tickets are enormously expensive.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07And they're enormously expensive because trains are enormously expensive to build.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09But why are trains expensive to build?
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Why has Britain's last train maker recently laid off half its workforce?
0:12:13 > 0:12:19Surely there is a solution to this problem. I mean, how hard can it be?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22This is a Jaguar XJS.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27It's 22 years old and it cost £4,500.
0:12:27 > 0:12:35For that, we got the convertible version with the big engine, the 300 horsepower 5.3 litre V12.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43It really does go like a train, this car, and that is what got us thinking,
0:12:43 > 0:12:48because...could it actually BE a train?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54To find out, I took it to Top Gear's Secret Railway Development Centre
0:12:54 > 0:12:58in Leicestershire, just off the A46 near Thurcaston,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01where we cued the music and set to work.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05MUSIC: Theme from The A-Team
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Perfect!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Argh!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Finally, our XJ Express was ready.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46So, what we've done is replace the standard wheels
0:13:46 > 0:13:49with train wheels, and that's it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55Nothing else. The cost savings are phenomenal, because a normal railway locomotive is 4 million.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00- This was in total £4,750. - That is an enormous saving!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03It's not much more than a thousandth of the cost.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Exactly. If we were running this from Peterborough to London...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I don't know what a season ticket is. Do you know?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Many thousands of pounds a year.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14This would be 20p or 30p.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It was time for the Jaguar's inaugural run.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- I don't think we need to turn that. - We could have taken this off.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- Ready?- Yes. - History's in the making.- Drive.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36We are pulling out of the station.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42Oh! No steering - it's weird!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- This feels fantastic! - This is awesome.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Sounds like a train. Listen to that!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Blow the horn. - HORN BLARES
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- We've solved public transport, literally solved it.- Yep!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14The only thing that would really perfect the experience
0:15:14 > 0:15:16would be if there were steam.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19But, as it's an old Jaguar, there's a very real chance.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23'But the old Jag ran like clockwork.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25'So, we returned to base...'
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You're all right. You're all right.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- You're all right.- '..To attach our equally brilliant carriages.'
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You're all right. You're all right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:43A modern-day railway carriage costs in excess of £1 million.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Ours didn't cost anything like that much.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Now, we have made some mechanical modifications.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59We've stripped out the central wheels and added one in each corner for extra stability.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01And we've introduced a class system.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Absolutely. Now, I have taken the Pageant CD Champagne model, no less,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and used it to create first class.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Inside, it was beautifully appointed,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15creating an atmosphere that I hoped
0:16:15 > 0:16:18would resurrect the golden age of train travel
0:16:18 > 0:16:21for the discerning first-class passenger.
0:16:24 > 0:16:30Hammond, meanwhile, had been responsible for the buffet car and second class.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Just look at this.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Inside - smart, clean, functional.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Everything the modern rail traveller wants and demands.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And at the back, there was Jeremy's creation.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45This is the economy section.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48What I've done is I've fitted benches and, on the floor,
0:16:48 > 0:16:54straw, to absorb the diseases and the blood, should there be a riot.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Then, for an authentic working-class feel, at the back,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I've fitted an outside khazi.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Why have you called it "scum class"?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Good name.- It's a bit blunt. - Honestly, think about it. This way, it's an incentive.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13You don't walk into the ticket office and go, "Three scum-class tickets."
0:17:13 > 0:17:16You'll say, "I'll spend a bit more so I don't have to say that."
0:17:16 > 0:17:21- You'll say, "I'll have second class." We'll make more profit. - We'll make more money.- Exactly.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25'With the carriages hooked up to the Jag, we prepared ourselves
0:17:25 > 0:17:29'for the maiden voyage of the world's cheapest train.'
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Engaging drive.- Engage forwards.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45- Not moving. - Be gentle with it. Gently!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47That's not working, is it?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It says we're doing 80 miles an hour then.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Get out and give us a push.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53How's he going to push it?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Just get it started.- When did you ever see anybody push a train?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Why won't it go? 300 horsepower.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- It's not working. - Why isn't it working?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Because it's just spinning all its power away and not going anywhere.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Why?- Well, one, you're driving it like an oaf...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- I've done gentle! - You didn't do gentle.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20You just planted your foot on it and went, "power!" as normally.
0:18:20 > 0:18:26- Secondly, I'm sorry to say this, but you've brought the wrong car. - It's a rear-wheel-drive roadster.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Do you want front-wheel drive? - Possibly. Four-wheel-drive is where it wants to be.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32It's not the car.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35We've got too many carriages. It's too heavy.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Of course it's got carriages on it, you muppet! It's a train!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- There are too many. - That's the bare minimum.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- We've got first class, second class, scum class, buffet.- Real trains! - No less.- It's too heavy.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That's how much it weighs.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50We need a different locomotive.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55What about...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- ..a sports train?- A what?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02A sports train. One carriage and a car. It's a sports train.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05That defeats the point of it being a train, doesn't it?
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- One carriage?- Listen, you've got sports cars, sports planes, sports boats, sports jackets.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12You've got loads of those.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- People pay more for sports experience.- If it's got one carriage, it's not a train.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19No - Train GTI.
0:19:19 > 0:19:25And you can sell tickets for millions of pounds because everybody will want to go in a sports train.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29All the trains are on the same line. Might as well get a bigger, better locomotive and put them together.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- That's why it's called A TRAIN. - I'm not changing the car.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Well, we're doing a proper train. - Well, you haven't got a car.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Well, we'll get one.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Uncouple me.- Gladly.- Off you go.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47'Jeremy departed, leaving us with the task of finding a new locomotive.'
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, yeah. That's great(!)
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Now, moving on, and we move on, surprisingly, to golf.
0:19:59 > 0:20:05It is very popular. There are 4 million golfers in the UK alone.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Yeah, that is almost 8% of the adult population
0:20:07 > 0:20:11and we can't really understand this because, as far as we can make out,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13golf is extremely boring.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16It is also ruinously expensive. A decent set of bats
0:20:16 > 0:20:20is going to set you back £1,000. We rang a golf club
0:20:20 > 0:20:22in High Wycombe the other day,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26not Wentworth, and annual membership there is £1,000.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- It's two grand before you even start.- Then you have
0:20:29 > 0:20:33the stupid jumpers and shoes, and the Rupert the Bear trousers. It adds up.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Then there's the cost of joining the Freemasons.
0:20:36 > 0:20:42Exactly. So we were wondering, could you do motor racing for less?
0:20:42 > 0:20:47We tend to think of motor racing as catastrophically expensive, but is that necessarily the case?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51We decided to find out. We each bought a set of wheels,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54converted them into racers as cheaply as possible
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and met up at the Lydden Hill race track in Kent.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01'Race day dawned, and Richard and I were there
0:21:01 > 0:21:04'good and early with the cars we'd bought.'
0:21:04 > 0:21:10This is a 150mph BMW 328i,
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- for which I paid £795.- Nice.
0:21:15 > 0:21:21- It looks good.- And you paid what for this?- This is a Citroen Saxo VTS 1.6, for which I paid
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- £550, and it's a nice one. - It is a nice one.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- That is in really good nick. - It's a hot little car.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32'Then James arrived in a Toyota MR2.'
0:21:32 > 0:21:34That is a surprise.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- That is an unexpected call. - I thought he'd have an Austin A35.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- Morning.- May! How much was that?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44£450.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Seriously? 450 quid?- Yep.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48So we've got mid-engined, rear drive,
0:21:48 > 0:21:53front-engined, front drive, rear drive, front engine.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- That's a 328.- I know. But have you seen this?
0:21:55 > 0:22:00- It's brilliant, this.- I have to say it, and I wouldn't normally say it, obviously,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- but your cars look terrific. - Hammond?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Yes.- Blood type?- Yes.- "Red".
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Well, it is. It's red. I've checked.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Stuck a pin in it. B?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12B-. I don't know what I am.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- That's an exam result! - I just made it up.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- It's what I'm used to seeing on forms.- I wasn't sure,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20so I put AB+. That way I'll get the lot, so one of them will be right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25As you can see, obviously, I've put stickers on mine.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Yeah, where did...- Well, it's the BBC and you have to have stickers
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- on a racing car.- "Fragile roof"? - I know, but the BBC doesn't allow brand names,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36so I put health and safety notices on it, as that's what the BBC likes.
0:22:36 > 0:22:42We should explain at this point that there are certain safety requirements you have to fulfil
0:22:42 > 0:22:44before you go motor racing.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45You have to put a roll cage,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47proper seat, harness,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50electrical cut-off fire extinguisher, and the total cost
0:22:50 > 0:22:54of doing that on mine was around £1,000.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59- Yours was a bit less.- A bit less cos there's less roll cage in it so it brings it up to 1,400 quid
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- for the lot.- And yours is?- 1,430. - So, 1,400,
0:23:02 > 0:23:051,400, 1,800 all in.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08So, for the price of a bag full of golf bats,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10we were ready to go motor racing,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13and the motor racing we'd selected was rallycross.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The beauty of this is that half the track is tarmac
0:23:20 > 0:23:22and half is gravel and mud.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- COMMENTATOR:- Oh, my good... Oh, gosh, I don't know what's happened!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29So, you get to do high-speed circuit driving
0:23:29 > 0:23:34and slidey rally stuff all in the same race.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Do you know, I used to love rallycross.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- Yeah.- Grandstand, World Of Sport, you had Dickie Davies and he'd go,
0:23:40 > 0:23:44"This afternoon, we've got fly-fishing, athletics and golf." You'd go, "Oh, no."
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- Then, "And rallycross."- Yeah. - And you had those tiny televisions,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- the black-and-white screen you were watching on.- You might have done in Birmingham.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- Look at that!- I know.- But then he's got some actual track to do it on.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Or he could be standing with a Pringle jumper on,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- going like this... - Waiting for the man in front.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Yes. Do you know the best thing about this?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It's really simple.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10When we got to the drivers' briefing, however,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- I realised I'd spoken too soon. - OK, there's 18 of you,
0:24:14 > 0:24:20so when you do your heats, if you finish first, you get one point. We've got three sets of races,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24so there'll be three people with one point, three people with two points,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27three people with three points. If you come seventh twice,
0:24:27 > 0:24:32- that gets 14 but you only end up seventh. You get seven points. - Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Well, you only pick the best one.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36If we were doing three,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- we'd pick the best two.- Three what? - Three of your points from the heats.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- Eh?- Happily, Captain Maths was on hand to explain
0:24:44 > 0:24:49that, in short, we'd all take part in two heats and at least one final.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58THEY LAUGH
0:24:58 > 0:24:59- WOMAN:- I'm not! >
0:25:01 > 0:25:06- Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?- No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11OK, but who is called Gary? You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?
0:25:11 > 0:25:16You are racing in Gary class... so you are Gary Clarkson.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I, meanwhile, was in the modified two-litre class
0:25:22 > 0:25:23and our heat was first.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30I've got to do three laps. That's all. Three laps and try not to mess it up.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Oh, look, we're getting lined up. This is the grid. This is it!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Go!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Oh, we're off.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- He is overtaking! - Oh, my God, he's about second!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45CRUNCH!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47BEEP!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- He's not... He's third.- Third!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53This is good. This is good.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Now I'll have him!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Come on, come on! - Ohh, this is exciting!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Oh, he's gone to second! - He's overtaken... No, he hasn't.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06But this is genuinely exciting racing with James May in it!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10'And remember, this costs less than golf.'
0:26:10 > 0:26:12This bloke's all over my chuff!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Right, watch this!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Oh, no! No, I've got it back.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23No... Oh, he's lost it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I've broken something. Sod it!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- We...must...not...laugh...- No.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33..when he gets back.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:42- How bad is it?- I suppose it's just at the wings on the wheel. - Has the suspension collapsed?
0:26:42 > 0:26:47- Every time I braked, it veered off. - Do you know that, momentarily, you were in second place?- I know.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It was extremely exciting.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.
0:26:58 > 0:27:04Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards...
0:27:04 > 0:27:09which means I could end up in final C, which... C comes before A.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Oh, he's going to... - Not bad, not bad!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23It's a blinding start from Hammond!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I love the rough stuff!
0:27:28 > 0:27:32'The agile front-drive Citroen was brilliant in the mud.'
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Yeah, ha-ha!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37'But I could have done with a bit more power on the tarmac.'
0:27:39 > 0:27:43I haven't quite got the legs on this one up to the top. Might have...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I braked myself into that quite hard.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50He might have done it... No, he won't do it, unless he can get a lot of speed down the hill.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Oh, this is an epic battle for third place.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Oh-ho!
0:27:56 > 0:28:01- Oh, wait, he's through.- He's done a move.- He's overtaken somebody!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Oh, this is exciting. It's too exciting even to speak!
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Oh-oh, that was a punt!
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Could be playing golf, remember. Could be playing golf.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21He's not going to come third. That would be impossible.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Come on. Come on!
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Yeah, ha! Third place, that'll do me. Come on!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Has anybody ever left a golf course feeling this high?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Woo-hoo!
0:28:36 > 0:28:41- High-five!- Hammond, that was absolutely rostrum or hospital. I loved it.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- So, third?- That's exciting, yeah. It's great!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47It was now my turn, and I was a bit nervous
0:28:47 > 0:28:50because the big engine in my BM
0:28:50 > 0:28:53meant I was in the top super-modified class,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56where three of the Garys were former champions.
0:28:56 > 0:29:02Ha-ha! Loneliest man in the world! Get in there and be alone.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06- Maybe I should go and play golf. - No.- No, because we need to see what golf is like in comparison.
0:29:06 > 0:29:12No, we need to prove our point, which means you have to drive that against these people.
0:29:12 > 0:29:19- Crack on, Clarkson. Go on.- Kindly, James spent a few moments asking the other drivers to be nice to me.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23- Don't be nice to him, OK.- I'm not going to be.- Just muller him.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Top man.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29And then it was time for action.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Five seconds...
0:29:40 > 0:29:41Oh, they're good.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Unbelievably, though, I started to make up places.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Ooh, he's third, he's third!
0:29:48 > 0:29:52He's going to be third if he can out-drag that one, and he is!
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Come on, Gary!
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Gary, I'm going to get you!
0:30:00 > 0:30:04I've got Gary up my chuff here and I'm trying to take Gary on the inside.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Then the super-modified Garys put me in my place.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11CRUNCH!
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Ohh! Heavens, that was a big shunt.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I may be off the track slightly here.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23THEY GUFFAW
0:30:25 > 0:30:30Spurred on by the support of my colleagues, I chased after the pack.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Right, come on, Jeremy, concentrate. Let's go get 'em!
0:30:35 > 0:30:39But before I could catch up, the race was over.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44That was brilliant, and I was last!
0:30:45 > 0:30:50Some of you will probably be thinking, "I'd like to do that, but what about safety?"
0:30:50 > 0:30:55Well, the number of people killed last year in rallycross was nought.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59The number of people killed on the golf course was...
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Well, nobody knows, but it's many, many people.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05God, that was good fun!
0:31:08 > 0:31:11And the fun continued for the rest of the afternoon.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Loads of short, hard, fast action.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17And the racing was epic!
0:31:17 > 0:31:20- Oh, look at that manoeuvre by the Mini!- That's Gary the girl.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Gary the girl going round the outside.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- Ooh, Gary's off the track.- Come on, this is good.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32- Oh, it's absolutely wheel-to-wheel stuff.- Spectacular racing.
0:31:32 > 0:31:38- Gary the girl!- I've never seen a race where two people are side by side all the time.
0:31:38 > 0:31:39Yeah!
0:31:39 > 0:31:43In his second race, Richard got another third,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45despite a bit of a moment...
0:31:45 > 0:31:48CRUNCH!
0:31:48 > 0:31:52..whereas, in HIS next heat, Jeremy improved massively.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57I'm not last! I'm not last!
0:31:57 > 0:31:59I'm second to last.
0:31:59 > 0:32:04Then it was my turn, and they put my hastily repaired car on pole.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I'm ready.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- What a start. - He's into the lead!
0:32:13 > 0:32:17James May is - there's no other word for it - winning!
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Oh, he's gone off, look.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25RICHARD GUFFAWS
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Right, now I've got some racing to do.
0:32:31 > 0:32:32Cock!
0:32:33 > 0:32:38Three completely blind laps later, I finished last, again,
0:32:38 > 0:32:41with yet another wound on my MR2.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- Oh, yeah!- Oh, mate!
0:32:46 > 0:32:50With the points from the heats all added up, we learned that Richard,
0:32:50 > 0:32:54with his two third places, had qualified for the B-class final,
0:32:54 > 0:32:57whereas James and I were in the final for losers.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03- That means you and I get to race each other, then.- Yeah, I know. - Yeah, but it's...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06If you stop and think about the scoring system here,
0:33:06 > 0:33:10it's clever because it means you will always end up in a final,
0:33:10 > 0:33:12irrespective of how rubbish you are.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18The final for losers went well.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20James got up to third and stayed there.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25That was terrific! Did you see that? Did you see me all over him?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29And as for the orang-utan...
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Jeremy, you're winning! You're actually winning something!
0:33:34 > 0:33:40Miracles have happened here, ladies and gentlemen, today. I have actually won a thing!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43The victory gave me a chance to wear my winning face.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49And there was another bonus as well.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55- What are you doing here?- Because I won the spanner final, I'm allowed to go into this final.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57This is my final. I don't understand.
0:33:57 > 0:34:03We established in practice you're fast around here because you're used to driving on wet leaves and mud.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05- Because I live in Wales.- Exactly.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13Right now I could be, I don't know, chatting to my caddy,
0:34:13 > 0:34:15adjusting the tassels on my loafers,
0:34:15 > 0:34:21instead of which, I'm sitting here at the wheel of my race car, waiting to start.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23This is just so much better.
0:34:23 > 0:34:28What if I spoil Hammond's race in some way? I mean, I mustn't and I won't.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I'm going to stay at the back, not get in anyone's way.
0:34:31 > 0:34:32I shouldn't be here.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Right, five seconds...
0:34:41 > 0:34:45That was a good start for me. That puts me right amongst the big boys.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Bad start. Really bad start.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53CRUNCH!
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Come on, Gary, out the way.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Whoa, he's got me on the grass!
0:35:03 > 0:35:07God, this Fiesta is really aggressive.
0:35:10 > 0:35:16Oh, no, look who's there. It's Richard Hammond, is what it is.
0:35:16 > 0:35:21How did Jeremy make up that many places in MY final?
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I decided not to spoil his big race...
0:35:25 > 0:35:27..then I decided I would.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31- Yeah, come on!- Oh, yes!
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Come on, Beemer! Come on now!
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Oh, he's left me a gap.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48No, I've gone wide!
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- CRUNCH! - Ooh, that was a biggie!
0:35:52 > 0:35:55There was now just one lap left to take Hammond.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Lot more traction here, sunshine.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Coming up the inside of you.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10There you go.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Come on! Clarkson's right behind me.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Come on now!
0:36:27 > 0:36:31BMW on my inside. This is where he's got the power.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33I'll get him on the outside.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Leave him all the room in the world.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42- CRUNCH! - I've been hit!
0:36:42 > 0:36:46He actually turned his wheel there. The camera will reveal that.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Come on, little Citroen. Everything you have.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58There's the chequered flag.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Second place.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05And, amazingly, third place for Jezza.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!
0:37:09 > 0:37:11How good was that?!
0:37:11 > 0:37:15That was absolutely brilliant fun.
0:37:15 > 0:37:21Two more different cars you can't imagine pitting against one another having a great race!
0:37:21 > 0:37:23That was tremendous.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- That was brilliant!- Really. - I know. It was.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34One of the best days of my life.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38And you've got to ask the question, "Why would you play golf when you can do that?"
0:37:38 > 0:37:42I'm not given to this sort of thing, as you know, but it was brilliant,
0:37:42 > 0:37:45and I even enjoyed watching that last race with you two.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48I'm sorry to keep banging on about it,
0:37:48 > 0:37:54but this whole racing car costs less than this plastic bag full of sticks.
0:37:54 > 0:38:00But, on the money front, can I inject a note of caution? If I were to be racing my Saxo next weekend,
0:38:00 > 0:38:04I would want to spend 100 quid on some stiffer suspension.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06- It was quite bouncy.- Very bouncy.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09I'd want to do something about my rear end, because it was tail-happy.
0:38:09 > 0:38:14- Yeah.- And there will come a time when the children say, "Mummy, why aren't we having a holiday?"
0:38:14 > 0:38:17"Well, Daddy spent all our money on shock absorbers."
0:38:17 > 0:38:22Yeah, it is going to add up, but it doesn't matter because, as we've just proved,
0:38:22 > 0:38:27rallycross is brilliant. I urge you, get a racing licence, get some cheap wheels,
0:38:27 > 0:38:32find the nearest place where you can do it, get out there and do it.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34And all the Garys are really friendly.
0:38:34 > 0:38:39Yes, they are, but the thing is, the Garys are friendly, but the Richards, they're not.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43- I'm sorry to bring this up.- Eh? - No, on the last lap,
0:38:43 > 0:38:47- you tried to ram me off the track. - I did not!
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Well, you did. It was attempted murder.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51It wasn't!
0:38:51 > 0:38:54All right, look. As we promised last week,
0:38:54 > 0:38:56we'll have a steward's enquiry about this.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00- We have on-board cameras. Let's have a look.- Fine.- OK.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Coming up to where the incident happened. Let's listen to what he says.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07Got to shut the door on him here. I'm sorry. Argh!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09EVIL LAUGHTER
0:39:09 > 0:39:10AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- You did!- Yeah, I did do that...
0:39:13 > 0:39:18So, who here thinks that Richard Hammond is guilty?
0:39:18 > 0:39:21- AUDIENCE: Yes!- Well...
0:39:21 > 0:39:26Now, if this was Formula 1, Hammond would be forced to take a drive-through penalty
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- and that would spoil the race for the spectators.- Exactly.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32- So I think we can do it better. - Yeah. Sorry, mate.
0:39:32 > 0:39:38Listen, it was racing. Honestly. You little scallywag! I'll get you next time.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41And that, Mr Ecclestone, is how you deal with disputes.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43- Done.- Absolutely.
0:39:48 > 0:39:53Now, earlier on, we embarked on a project to build a cheap train
0:39:53 > 0:39:56using an old Jaguar XJS and some caravans.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Yeah, and sadly, it didn't work,
0:39:59 > 0:40:04because Jeremy's driving was rubbish, and he bought the wrong car.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08Then there was a really big argument and he stormed off with the Jag,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12saying he was going to make something called a sports train.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Yeah, and that left Hammond and me with all the coaches,
0:40:15 > 0:40:16but nothing to pull them with.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20'After a canter through the classifieds,
0:40:20 > 0:40:25'Hammond and I found our new locomotive.'
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead. It's an Audi S8.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33It has even more power than the Jaguar, but more importantly,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36it has four-wheel drive, which is what you need,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38because the rails are slippery.
0:40:38 > 0:40:44Also, I have feet made of flesh, with nerves in them,
0:40:44 > 0:40:49like a human being, not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oaf.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51'While I was doing the driving,
0:40:51 > 0:40:53'Hammond would take care of the passengers.'
0:40:53 > 0:40:57In just a few minutes, I shall be welcoming the passengers onto the train.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59This is the manifest with their names.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03This has to look good.
0:41:03 > 0:41:08This really is... All passengers - first, second -
0:41:08 > 0:41:12will be able to come in here, so I want it to look excellent.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16Biscuits, various. Muffins. Yeah.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19It's the carriage of plenty.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23'With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests...
0:41:25 > 0:41:28'..who were a group of top officials and inspectors
0:41:28 > 0:41:31'from the railway world.'
0:41:31 > 0:41:33- You are?- Steve Davies.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36- Steve Davies. MBE! Steve Davies, MBE!- Indeed.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39- And you're a colonel! Hello!- How do you do? Nice to see you again.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43- You're in first, which is there. - Indeed.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45- Hello, you're Helen...?- Helen Ashby.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47- OBE! Hello!- Hi!- Come on in, please.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50- Thank you. - You're in first as well, obviously.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54- And sir?- Ian Walmsley. - Yes, you're also...
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Yes, in there, Ian, that'll be absolutely brilliant.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59In. There you go, you'll be fine.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02The straw's fresh, don't worry.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08'Everything now depended on giving our passengers
0:42:08 > 0:42:11'the train ride of a lifetime.'
0:42:11 > 0:42:15Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 14:53 express
0:42:15 > 0:42:18from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21This train is about to depart.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25Thank you for travelling with us. We appreciate that you have a choice of car-based rail companies.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29James, that's my job! I'm running this bit of the train.
0:42:29 > 0:42:30You just drive!
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward,
0:42:33 > 0:42:37whose train this is. We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Look at this!
0:42:51 > 0:42:53It's a train, and it works!
0:42:56 > 0:42:59HE LAUGHS
0:43:01 > 0:43:03This is the best thing I've ever done!
0:43:07 > 0:43:11Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be through shortly with refreshments.
0:43:12 > 0:43:13Oh, yeah!
0:43:19 > 0:43:21I don't know if this is coming across
0:43:21 > 0:43:22in the images you're seeing at home,
0:43:22 > 0:43:27but the sensation of being in a car, but on the railway,
0:43:27 > 0:43:32is just the maddest thing I've ever seen out of the window.
0:43:32 > 0:43:33It's a railway!
0:43:52 > 0:43:56Past another train parked in the siding. It's just wonderful.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02More points coming up. The responsible driver slows down a bit.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04A tiny bit of braking.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Refreshments, gentlemen!
0:44:16 > 0:44:18Oh, it doesn't fit!
0:44:21 > 0:44:25Across the little bridge, the water on the left.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27'While I was sightseeing,
0:44:27 > 0:44:29'Jeremy was finally leaving the station
0:44:29 > 0:44:31'in his idiotic sports train.'
0:44:34 > 0:44:37TGV 12 is up and running.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45Let me talk you through my passengers.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48The man on the left, he's just a man, but the man on the right,
0:44:48 > 0:44:52that is the editor of Rail Express magazine,
0:44:52 > 0:44:54and I need to impress him.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57He's going to be reviewing this experience.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01'Clearly, the best way of impressing him
0:45:01 > 0:45:04'would be to beat Hammond and May to our destination.'
0:45:04 > 0:45:06Come on! Let's build up that speed!
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Taking it up now to 40.
0:45:14 > 0:45:1645!
0:45:16 > 0:45:18A few bugs there
0:45:18 > 0:45:22smashing into the face of the editor of Railway Express magazine.
0:45:26 > 0:45:2755!
0:45:30 > 0:45:32- HE LAUGHS - Look!
0:45:32 > 0:45:36The wind in your hair, the bees in your face!
0:45:37 > 0:45:39V12 power!
0:45:39 > 0:45:41The editor of Railway Express magazine
0:45:41 > 0:45:44basking in the shadow of my magnificence!
0:45:49 > 0:45:50Ugh, a train!
0:45:50 > 0:45:52HORN BLARES
0:45:52 > 0:45:53Oh, my God!
0:46:02 > 0:46:06'Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.'
0:46:07 > 0:46:0925 miles an hour!
0:46:11 > 0:46:14'But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.'
0:46:21 > 0:46:26The cruise control works. Look at that! I'm now doing nothing.
0:46:31 > 0:46:36'It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors -
0:46:36 > 0:46:38'the noise was also an issue.'
0:46:45 > 0:46:48- What?- Do you think it's safe?
0:46:48 > 0:46:50I can't hear you!
0:46:50 > 0:46:52- Do you think it's safe?- No.
0:46:53 > 0:46:59- How do we communicate in an emergency?- We have to shout!
0:46:59 > 0:47:02- Is there a communication cord to stop the train?- Yes, yes, yes.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06I'm going to check it, actually. I'm about to ask the driver, Mr May,
0:47:06 > 0:47:09to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15James!
0:47:16 > 0:47:19JAMES!
0:47:20 > 0:47:21What's the matter?
0:47:21 > 0:47:24- Can you slow down a bit? Everything's falling off.- Right.
0:47:26 > 0:47:30Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots but I couldn't get past,
0:47:30 > 0:47:34due to a railway network design fault.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37Even here, we're stuck behind caravans.
0:47:37 > 0:47:42If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44Oh, for God's sake.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Oh, this is really bad.
0:47:48 > 0:47:52A member of the working classes is now taking a dump
0:47:52 > 0:47:55in full view of the editor of Railway Express magazine.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:48:00 > 0:48:03I'm very sorry about this.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08I can't just drive along like this forever, I'm backing off.
0:48:09 > 0:48:14'I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.'
0:48:14 > 0:48:18I do apologise, I do apologise.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22With Jeremy going backwards,
0:48:22 > 0:48:26James and I decided we had time to stop at the next station.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29A tiny bit of braking.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31You see, this is how you drive a train. It's about finesse.
0:48:38 > 0:48:40James, stop! James, stop!
0:48:46 > 0:48:49James, we're bloody miles off.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51I'm going to back up.
0:48:55 > 0:48:59'Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stretch your legs at this intermediate station,
0:48:59 > 0:49:00'and apologies for the overshoot.'
0:49:02 > 0:49:06- That was an overshoot. - RICHARD: 'Stop doing the BLEEP-ing announcements, that's my job!'
0:49:06 > 0:49:09'Ladies and gentlemen, we're just pulling into the station
0:49:09 > 0:49:13'in case you might want to stretch your legs, perhaps, or maybe have a walk.'
0:49:15 > 0:49:17Allow me, please.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28Bloody hell.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31You don't have to be wearing a short skirt, do you?
0:49:32 > 0:49:33Thank you.
0:49:33 > 0:49:38I have just discovered a small design fault with the TGV 12.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42When going backwards, you have to have the bonnet up to keep the engine cool
0:49:42 > 0:49:46because there's no air going into the radiator. AND I can't see anything out of the back.
0:49:46 > 0:49:52So the first I'll know about a derailment is when we hear death and screaming from the rear carriage.
0:49:54 > 0:49:59'Back at the station, the inspectors were busy doing some inspecting.'
0:49:59 > 0:50:05- What was the noise decibel level? - 108, it peaked at. It's higher than anything I've ever measured.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08Just under 60. That's not wide enough for disabled access.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Good for people with one arm.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12There's only one armrest.
0:50:12 > 0:50:17The flammability is what worried me. My general consideration - it's not a train, it's a death-trap.
0:50:17 > 0:50:22'Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your brief stopover at Quorn and Woodhouse station.
0:50:22 > 0:50:25'We will now be departing again for near Loughborough.'
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Come on!
0:50:27 > 0:50:32'Meanwhile, I'd found the set of points where I could switch to the other track.'
0:50:34 > 0:50:38Yes. Now, this is more of a palaver than on the motorway,
0:50:38 > 0:50:41but I am now in the overtaking lane.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Yes, I am!
0:50:43 > 0:50:46Let's go and hunt down James May.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54We're really moving now!
0:50:55 > 0:50:5870 miles an hour!
0:50:58 > 0:50:59Yes!
0:51:01 > 0:51:05That massive rear spoiler, providing the downforce we need.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10My passengers are looking thrilled.
0:51:12 > 0:51:17And now I would show May that speed is right, speed is good.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Speed works.
0:51:19 > 0:51:20There he is.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23James May is about to be splashed
0:51:23 > 0:51:27by the mighty wheel-spinning TGV 12.
0:51:27 > 0:51:30HE LAUGHS
0:51:32 > 0:51:35Clarkson?
0:51:37 > 0:51:40God, how did he do that?
0:51:42 > 0:51:45The sports train is invincible.
0:51:46 > 0:51:52Ever since the dawn of the train, it has been mired in this sea of turgid practicality.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55Nobody's ever thought, "Let's make an exciting train."
0:51:55 > 0:51:58And here I am, in just such a thing.
0:51:59 > 0:52:03On Hammond and May's train,
0:52:03 > 0:52:06it's just one long, dreary trail of boredom.
0:52:08 > 0:52:10- HORN BLARES - Brace! Brace!
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Some poo's come out.
0:52:28 > 0:52:33Ladies and gentlemen, particularly of first class, with your OBEs and MBEs.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37Richard Hammond, your steward, will be passing through shortly with hot meals.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46Oh, wait a minute.
0:52:46 > 0:52:47Since hunting was banned,
0:52:47 > 0:52:51one sees the horses frolicking gaily in the fields, enjoying...
0:52:51 > 0:52:56- HE LAUGHS - Forgive me while I just back off and have a bit of a gloat.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59If we look over here, we see traditional farming methods.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01And I think that pretty much covers the lecture.
0:53:01 > 0:53:05I'm just doing a lecture on the countryside. Nothing to see here.
0:53:05 > 0:53:06And that's it.
0:53:06 > 0:53:08Now we'll be on our way.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11Oh, dear(!)
0:53:11 > 0:53:13Bye!
0:53:13 > 0:53:15People of first class...
0:53:16 > 0:53:21'Once again, the editor of Railway Express magazine was heading back towards Leicester.
0:53:21 > 0:53:27'Although this time I had at least found a novel way of seeing where I was going.'
0:53:27 > 0:53:29Ignore the enormous locomotive behind me.
0:53:29 > 0:53:33It's a glitch, really. Not my fault.
0:53:33 > 0:53:39'Our train was now certain of beating Jeremy's to near Loughborough.'
0:53:39 > 0:53:42This is just serene.
0:53:42 > 0:53:46However, in the buffet car, things weren't going so well.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself.
0:54:00 > 0:54:04The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.
0:54:04 > 0:54:08'Christ's sake, James! Stop making BLEEP-ing announcements!
0:54:08 > 0:54:10'That's my job, I'm the steward!
0:54:10 > 0:54:12'You drive, I steward.'
0:54:12 > 0:54:17It's my train and the driver makes the bleeding announcements. That's the way it is.
0:54:19 > 0:54:21I had finally found a passing point
0:54:21 > 0:54:23and was now back in the chase.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Really shifting, now.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29Really, really, really moving.
0:54:31 > 0:54:33No time to lose.
0:54:36 > 0:54:3880mph. Ha-ha!
0:54:38 > 0:54:40'Meanwhile...'
0:54:40 > 0:54:42# La la la la la la!
0:54:42 > 0:54:44# La la la la la la la! #
0:54:44 > 0:54:48Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Hello, chaps.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55Can I offer you refreshments?
0:54:56 > 0:54:58- Have you got a coffee, please?- No.
0:54:58 > 0:55:03- Any chance of a Danish pastry, please?- No.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12I'll slow it down by one mile an hour.
0:55:12 > 0:55:16This isn't the fastest train in the world. I'm sure Jeremy will claim his goes faster.
0:55:16 > 0:55:19But ours carries more people, that's the point of a train.
0:55:19 > 0:55:21It's mass transport.
0:55:21 > 0:55:24What Jeremy's built, essentially, is a business jet.
0:55:24 > 0:55:28But that's out of the reach of the vast majority of people.
0:55:28 > 0:55:32- Anything else I can get you?- Red wine?- No.
0:55:36 > 0:55:38Oh, dear.
0:55:38 > 0:55:42It appears my colleagues have a bit of a problem.
0:55:42 > 0:55:46JEREMY CACKLES
0:55:52 > 0:55:54- James.- What?
0:55:54 > 0:55:56Your train's on fire.
0:55:56 > 0:55:58- Is it?- Yes, it is.- Right.
0:56:00 > 0:56:01Well, there we are.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06'Once again, then,
0:56:06 > 0:56:09'it looked like I would be the first to our destination.'
0:56:09 > 0:56:11Very nearly at the end now.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14And what an epic voyage this has been.
0:56:14 > 0:56:19Leicester - well, nearly Leicester - to the outskirts of Loughborough.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21A distance of nearly eight miles.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24And the sports train
0:56:24 > 0:56:25just about done it.
0:56:25 > 0:56:29Easing it down now.
0:56:29 > 0:56:32Should imagine there'll be a fanfare.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35The mayor of Loughborough is almost certainly going to be here.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Oh, he isn't.
0:56:37 > 0:56:41Nobody is.
0:56:41 > 0:56:46'Not to worry, though, because the great pioneers are often unappreciated at first.'
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Throughout this epic voyage,
0:56:50 > 0:56:55I have referred to this as either the TGV 12 or the sports train.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58But I don't think that does it justice.
0:56:58 > 0:57:00I think that the editor and the other man
0:57:00 > 0:57:04will agree that what you are looking at here is the future.
0:57:04 > 0:57:10And all we must do now is await the arrival of my less-successful colleagues.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17No, listen. If you ignore the fire,
0:57:17 > 0:57:20and the fact we didn't get where we wanted to go,
0:57:20 > 0:57:24it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...
0:57:24 > 0:57:26- Apart from that, it was a resounding success?- Yeah.
0:57:26 > 0:57:29We can only judge it to be a success. It worked as a train.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31We came up with something new, unique and brilliant.
0:57:31 > 0:57:34- I think as a concept... - Oh, hello.- It's quite nice.
0:57:34 > 0:57:36- But the fact is... - HORN BLARES
0:57:56 > 0:57:59Hold on. Whoa, whoa!
0:57:59 > 0:58:04Let's just get this straight, your train was a total failure.
0:58:04 > 0:58:05No, it was not.
0:58:05 > 0:58:09- Where is it? - Some of it is in the atmosphere.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11The rest is all over Leicestershire.
0:58:11 > 0:58:15Whereas mine is here. And already, Her Majesty's Government
0:58:15 > 0:58:19has been on the telephone asking if they can have the rights to use this
0:58:19 > 0:58:21on the proposed West Coast Main Line.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23- Really?- No, I made that up.
0:58:23 > 0:58:28- I'll tell you who has been in touch. The editor of Railway Express magazine.- Excellent.
0:58:28 > 0:58:32- He wrote a short review of his journey on your train. Would you like to hear it?- Mm-hm.
0:58:32 > 0:58:34He says the following. "There was nothing to eat.
0:58:34 > 0:58:37"The ride was awful. The noise was distressing."
0:58:37 > 0:58:40He spent most of the day going backwards,
0:58:40 > 0:58:46he genuinely feared for his life and he ended up covered in excrement.
0:58:46 > 0:58:50So, it's exactly like a normal train.
0:58:50 > 0:58:52Only much cheaper.
0:58:52 > 0:58:56And, on that bombshell, it is time to end. Good night!
0:59:08 > 0:59:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd