0:00:16 > 0:00:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Hello! Good evening. Thank you so much. Thank you.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Now... Thank you.
0:00:26 > 0:00:32Now, our deep and profound love on this show for Alfa Romeo
0:00:32 > 0:00:35is a triumph of hope over reality.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39We always pray that their new models will be brilliant
0:00:39 > 0:00:43but we sort of know they won't be, and then they never are.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47But what about this, the new and very pretty 4C?
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Well, Richard Hammond has been to northern Italy
0:00:51 > 0:00:54in the sunshine to find out all about it.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Jammy little bu...
0:00:56 > 0:01:00CHURCH BELL TOLLS
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Right, let's get this straight.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I'm in a mid-engined two-seater Alfa Romeo...
0:01:19 > 0:01:23..the first proper Alfa sports car for 20 years.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29And I'm driving it in northern Italy on a lovely day.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33In theory, things don't get much better.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39But, predictably, there are one or two problems.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48First of all, it's going to cost around £45,000.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53And that's a fair bit, especially as you don't get a V8, or even V6.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58What you do get is a turbo-charged, reworked version of the 1.7 litre,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01four-cylinder engine from a Giulietta hatchback.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And under here...
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Well, I don't know what's under here cos the bonnet is bolted shut.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16It's bolted shut for the same reason this car has no power steering,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and no proper climate control -
0:02:19 > 0:02:21to save weight.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23That's why it has the same sort of
0:02:23 > 0:02:27carbon-fibre chassis as a Formula 1 car.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32It's why there's almost no metal in the body at all.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38The upshot is, the 4C weighs just 925kg.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43That's about half what a Mercedes SLK weighs.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52And on a road like this, that really pays dividends.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Oh, come on!
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Lovely.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Because it's light, it's unbelievably agile.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It changes direction like a kitten chasing a spider.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16And because there's no power steering, I can feel
0:03:16 > 0:03:19far more at the steering wheel. I know what the wheels are doing.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It grips...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27fabulously.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32It doesn't need a massive engine -
0:03:32 > 0:03:36it's got 237 brake horsepower. Do you know what? That is enough.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38More than enough.
0:03:41 > 0:03:450 to 60 takes four-and-a-half seconds.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47The top speed is 160.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52And yet, because of the lightness, it'll do 40 miles to the gallon.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Drop a window, sample the noise.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LOUD REVS
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Oh! Lovely little crackle on the up-shift.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh, it's great.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10This little Alfa is growing on me with a speed
0:04:10 > 0:04:14and ferocity that I've never before encountered.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16It's just getting under my skin.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Because it's not like anything else...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh, my God!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24What?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29What are you doing here?
0:04:29 > 0:04:34As you well know, Hammond, we receive thousands of letters
0:04:34 > 0:04:38every single week from viewers and they all say the same thing.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"Dear Top so-called Gear, the Alfa 4C,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"is it better than a quad bike?"
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Well, I can clear than one up straightaway - yes, it is because
0:04:45 > 0:04:50quad bikes are slow, ugly, noisy, stupid and incredibly dangerous.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I don't mean dangerous like you might fall off,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I mean like they want to kill you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Everybody I know, pretty much,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59who's ever tried one, has been killed by it at some point.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01That's as may be, but we need to settle this,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- so we're going to have a race. - We're going to race?- Yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- You on that, presumably?- Yeah.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Me in that?- Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Jeremy's proposal was a race from the top of Lake Como
0:05:12 > 0:05:15to a hotel terrace at the bottom.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I would take the 43-mile lakeside route,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21whilst he would attempt to go as the crow flies.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Good, you're going to be killed and last.
0:05:27 > 0:05:33And so, at exactly 10.37am, the race began.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Here we go.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Let me talk you through my quad.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It's called a Gibbs Quadski,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53designed and engineered in Britain, built just outside Detroit,
0:05:53 > 0:05:58and the engine is German - a 1.3 from a BMW motorcycle.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And you have 40 horsepower.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Doesn't sound like much but, like the Alfa, it's light.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Apparently it has the same power-to-weight ratio
0:06:10 > 0:06:12as a helicopter.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16He's mad. I mean, he doesn't stand a chance.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I know what he's thinking -
0:06:18 > 0:06:22he's imagining he'll be crashing off-road and cutting corners.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25He won't - he'll be bumbling through the woods on little tracks,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29he'll get stuck, fall off, he'll break a leg - maybe two.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Hammond was wrong. My legs were fine,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38but I had got into a bit of a pickle trying to find a short cut.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Totally lost.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Literally no idea which...
0:06:44 > 0:06:45No idea.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I'm just in weeds...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, now which way?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55With Jeremy stuck in the undergrowth,
0:06:55 > 0:07:01I had time to admire one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Ah! Mountains, pretty village - all present and correct.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Coming through.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25See, this scooter rider will not mind me whizzing past in my Alfa Romeo,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29because I know he loves Alfa Romeo just as much, if not more, than I do.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32We have to love Alfa, it's the law.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Meanwhile...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Oh, God. No, wait.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Many nettles.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45This may have a top speed of 40
0:07:45 > 0:07:47but I'm not doing that now, really.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Happily, however,
0:07:49 > 0:07:55Hammond was about to discover one of the Alfa's drawbacks - its girth.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Oh, no! Oh, my God, this is narrow!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh! That's...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04This car is wide.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06That's a problem.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11So what were they thinking when they've got streets like this?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12I mean... Oh!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Still, could be worse.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Ohh!
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Oh, no! Now look what I've done.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I've accidentally crashed into Lake Como.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35But it's OK, because if I push this little button here...
0:08:40 > 0:08:45..the wheels have folded up and now I'm on a jet ski.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Oh, and it gets better because, on land, it has 40 horsepower,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56but here on water it has 140.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58ENGINE REVS
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I know exactly what music we have to play now.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07# We are sailing... #
0:09:07 > 0:09:10No, not that! Cue the Bond!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14MUSIC: "James Bond Theme" by John Barry
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Here we go - 45mph!
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Hammond, you've had it! Wherever you are, you can't beat this.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Narrow. Really narrow. Really wide car.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'd like to be driving something narrower now, like a bus.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Right, clear of town, press on.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57So let's just get this straight -
0:09:57 > 0:10:02I'm wearing a wet white shirt and I'm in a lake - I'm Mr Darcy!
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Come on!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14There is Richard Hammond.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I'll slow down a bit.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- 'Hello? Hello?' - Er, hello. Where are you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28'To your left, mate, to your left.'
0:10:28 > 0:10:32You can't be to my left. How can you be to my... What?!
0:10:33 > 0:10:37'Have you ever seen a machine like this?'
0:10:37 > 0:10:40What are you on? Is that the same quad?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42It certainly is.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45And I'm afraid I must now say goodbye.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48'Cheerio. See you soon.'
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Cheating sod!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57He can just go straight across the lake now.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I've got to go all the way down the bottom here
0:10:59 > 0:11:03and back up the other side. I'm going to lose this,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and he's going to do his stupid smug face.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Spurred on by the horror of his face...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16..I put the hammer down.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Come on, little Alfa.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30We were neck and neck,
0:11:30 > 0:11:35but then Jeremy got distracted by an Italian ferry.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Look at that!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42What a machine.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I'm sorry I'm hearing the Bond music again now.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You want a race?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I'll give you a race.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, come on, I can't lose this!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21By this stage, I'd disentangled myself from the hydrofoil,
0:12:21 > 0:12:26but had run into another problem - Lake Como's weird winds.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I think we've got some chop.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Whoa!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I've lost ten miles... Aw!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Ow, my back bottom!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Whoa! Wow!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51They slow you down a bit.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, my giddy aunt, that's a big one.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59I'm now down to 15mph, and I can't realistically
0:12:59 > 0:13:03go any faster, cos I can't see where I'm bloody going.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07The vicious chop had put Hammond back in the lead.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14We have to beat him.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Thankfully, on the lake, I'd found calmer water.
0:13:24 > 0:13:2645mph.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30We are back in this race.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44There he is. There is Richard Hammond.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Goodbye, Hammond.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51He is history.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It certainly seemed that way,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00because pretty soon the hotel was in sight.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03There it is, there's the finishing line.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10So, I was definitely going to win this.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14But then I realised the victory would be a bit hollow.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Obviously, I want to beat Hammond,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19of course I do...
0:14:20 > 0:14:24..but I don't want to beat that Alfa Romeo, because, to me,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Alfas are special.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28They're really special.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33This is a bit like having a running race with your four-year-old son -
0:14:33 > 0:14:36yes, of course you can win, but...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38you don't really want to.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It's not far now.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Little Alfa, I think we have to accept the inevitable.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51He's not there, is he?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54In a few minutes, Hammond would arrive
0:14:54 > 0:14:59and see my Quadski moored alongside the hotel's jetty.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Damn and blast, I'm going to win this.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Nothing I can do.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09But then I spotted a hidey-hole.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Yes!
0:15:12 > 0:15:17Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Right, where is he?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50This is the terrace.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Up here, maybe.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Do you know what?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11He no here. I don't know how. What I've done is win...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- ..in that little Alfa. - Hammond!- Mate.- Well done.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- You beat me fair and square.- I did.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- In the Alfa.- Do you know? I would have bet £1 million...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29when I overtook you, I was going to win...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hiddleston.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- How are you?- Very well, thank you.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Look!- Thank you. Thank you.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Have a seat.- Thank you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I was half expecting you to ask the audience to kneel before you.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Not here. I haven't got my horns with me.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- So let's get on to your car history if I may.- Yes, sure.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Your first car, then, what was it? - It was a Peugeot 106.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Mmm(!)
0:17:09 > 0:17:14- Yeah. It was quite adventurous. - Mmm(!)- 1.1.- Wow(!)
0:17:14 > 0:17:19- Really phwoar - when you floored it, you felt it.- It was a 1.1 what?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- They always had silly names.- Zest. - Yeah, there you go.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- Sounds like a washing powder. - It sounds like lemon juice.- It does.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33I bought it with my first paycheck for some TV work that I got
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- while I was at university, and I kept that for ten years.- Ten years?!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Ten whole years. All the way through my 20s, yeah.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41But I presume that, obviously,
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- now, as result of you being Loki in the Thor franchise...- Indeed, yes.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49..there's no need now to drive around in cars with zesty names?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Well, I'm very fortunate to drive a Jaguar.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And as you probably know,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I'm part of a campaign that they have recently done. And they are...
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Weirdly, Jaguar's been part of my life for the last couple of years,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04cos I keep playing characters in films who drive Jaguars.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07What, does Loki drive a Jag(?)
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I think Loki drives a spaceship.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Yes, he does. Is it a Jag spaceship? - It is a Jag.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Goes to the petrol station and goes,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18"Oh, dear, my dear, I seem to have left my wallet at home.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- "This is embarrassing." - I'm sure he would approve.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22- Caddish spaceship.- Yup.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25This Jag commercial, I don't know if anybody's seen it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Have a look at this.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Have you ever noticed how in Hollywood movies
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- all the villains are played by Brits?- Maybe we just sound right.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Good evening, sir.- Thank you, Mary.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40We're more focused.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42More precise.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44We're always one step ahead.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47With a certain style. An eye for detail.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51And we're obsessed by power.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02A stiff upper lip is key.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And we all drive Jaguars.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Oh, yes, it's good to be back.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11CHEERING
0:19:15 > 0:19:18The line I like most in that is Mark Strong's
0:19:18 > 0:19:21because he goes, "We all drive Jaguars."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24It should be, "We all drive Jaguars...NOW."
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Right!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29"As a result of this."
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Or indeed a helicopter. - Was that really filmed in London?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It was all filmed in London. It was one of the most extraordinary evenings of my life.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39We were allowed to go over central London at about 500 feet
0:19:39 > 0:19:43and the door of the helicopter was open
0:19:43 > 0:19:46and Tom Hooper, who directed, was sitting behind the camera
0:19:46 > 0:19:50and we were up banking right and I was leaning out the window
0:19:50 > 0:19:54and at a certain point he said, "I'm afraid we have to cut."
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Good, that's completely fine. "Cut." Aargh!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00It's really high, you know what I mean?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03When the cameras were running, I was like, "I got this,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06"a bit more focus, more precise," and as soon as it was cut,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I was like, "God, the window's open! Someone shut the door."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's a good point, that. It's a very good business that is raised
0:20:13 > 0:20:17in that commercial about the number of Brits who are baddies - obviously
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Rickman and Hopkins...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Alan Rickman, Anthony Hopkins.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I guess it started with James Mason back in the day.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I thought you were going to say James May!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28The world's longest and most boring film!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31The undiscovered British villain, James May.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35What is it that you think that the Brits bring to a Hollywood movie?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I genuinely think it's because
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Americans think we're inherently distrustful. They think...
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Oh, my God, your accent. You're so sneaky."
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Or something.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It's a delusion, of course.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51They like seeing us fail, that's what it is.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Because you have to fail, obviously, if you're the baddie.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57That's probably what it is.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Now, your career began, I believe, at Slough Comprehensive.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- It certainly did, yup. - As the front leg of an elephant?
0:21:03 > 0:21:08I was the front leg of an elephant carrying Eddie Redmayne.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- He was grand enough to be the passenger of the elephant. - Really?- Yeah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I was the arse of a donkey once.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I ended up here as a result of that.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17And then you did the obligatory...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- MIMICS FILM TRAILER:- The greatest arse of a donkey in the world.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:24CHEERING
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- That was very good!- Sorry, couldn't help it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29No, that was...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Somebody said you were a good mimic. Is that something...?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36It's something I've done. I've done it my whole life.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I remember, when I was a child, they used to have a double tape deck,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and I would record my own radio show,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43with all these different voices.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47They were basically voices of people I'd heard off the telly, you know.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Phillip Schofield and...- Could you still do Phillip Schofield?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- I don't know. I don't even know if...- Actually, don't bother.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- I wouldn't know what he sounded like.- Throw me another one.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Anthony Hopkins. - HE MIMICS:- Oh, Tony Hopkins... Yeah.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Have you had him on the show? Top Gear.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Yes, I'd love to be on the show. I'd like to drive fast round a track.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Being taught to drive by The Stig, great man, great man, I'd love to do that.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:11APPLAUSE
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Let's think of some more names.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Anyone got any more names we can fire?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Try to make them men, cos that's probably easier.- Yeah.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT - What? Arnold Schwarzenegger?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Arnold Schwarzenegger. - SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT - What was that?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Paul O'Grady. - I think I'll go for Schwarzenegger.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I'm trying to think of something he says.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- AS SCHWARZENEGGER: - I know now why you cry.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38That sounded a little bit like Peter O'Toole. Sorry about that.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- AS O'TOOLE:- I know now you cry.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- That is quite a skill.- Yeah. - And what are you doing now?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Anything exciting?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I'm just finishing a run of Coriolanus in the West End,
0:22:49 > 0:22:50which I've enjoyed hugely.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55And I'm about to go to Toronto to make a horror film
0:22:55 > 0:22:58with Guillermo del Toro, if you know him,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00the Mexican director who directed Pan's Labyrinth.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Who did one with Tilda Swinton as well just recently?- That's correct.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06There's a film called Only Lovers Left Alive, which is coming out
0:23:06 > 0:23:09in the UK, I think, on 21st February,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11and it's basically a love story.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Tilda and I play a couple who are vampires, so...
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Oh, it's about a vampire film? - It's a vampire film, but we're vegetarians, we don't bite.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Vegetarian vampires.- Vegetarian vampires.- This I need to see.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26We're much too classy for all that 15th-century nonsense.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Now, I'm conscious of the time, cos I know that you are appearing
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- on stage this evening in Coriolanus. - In Coriolanus, yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Which calls for you at the end, I understand,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37to be strung upside down, bleeding profusely.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39That's how it goes down, yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Spoiler!- Yeah.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45It is a 450-year-old text, so I think it's OK(!)
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Did it occur to you when you were driving around the track,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52that if you had an accident, you could save the make-up?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- If I just roll the car, crash it...- You could turn up...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58..and say, "I have my 27 wounds upon me."
0:23:58 > 0:24:0027 wounds, blood gouting...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02So, did you crash?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- I didn't crash, per se.- Good.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Because, well, shall we have a look? - Let's have a look. I'm very nervous.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- It was very wet out there. - Who would like to see the lap?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Let's have a look. Play the tape.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Three, two, one...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Oh, I've stalled the- BLEEP!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21No way!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23APPLAUSE
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Oh, the shame!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Yeah, you've got double first from Cambridge, have you not?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31- In classics?- I did. I did.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34But you can't set off in a Vauxhall Astra?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Oh, dear.- Anyway, let's see the finished product, shall we?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- When you actually set off.- Right. - Here we go.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42ENGINE REVS
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Ooh, that's a lot of clutch.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Come on. Come on!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48BLEEP.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Come on!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53God Almighty, that's wet.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Doing well, though.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Go, go, go. Go, go, go, take the bend hard, take the bend hard.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Use the track.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Yeah, use the track. Better.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12God, you've actually got that thing sliding.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- Normally, it's got very good grip. - Yeah, it was very puddly out there.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# I'm for ever driving in puddles. #
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Right, could you see the lines at the Hammerhead?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Yeah, just about, cos it was very tight.- Very difficult.- Yeah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Hugh Bonneville was here last week.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32He said he couldn't see the lines cos it was so wet.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- It's weird in England...- Yeah. - ..to have two wet days(!)
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Floor it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- You're not doing it flat. - Come on!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- You are! No, you're not. - LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I was going to say, that's ballsy on a day like today.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Stupid but ballsy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Right. Ooh, the tail coming out. You are very committed to this.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59There you go. Second-to-last corner. That's very nicely done. Gambon.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- More under-steer.- A bit safe, a bit safe?- No, I disagree.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- There we are, across the line. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Now, we've only ever had one wet lap, which was last week -
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Hugh Bonneville - so where do you think you've come,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19bearing that in mind?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, I'm a bit worried I haven't beaten Hugh.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25It'd be nice to be somewhere around that area.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Right, somewhere around that...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- There's Ron Howard. He directed Rush.- He did.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Ron Howard - that was dry.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33He was just basically hopeless.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Hugh was 1.50.1.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- OK.- And you, Tom Hiddleston,
0:26:38 > 0:26:401...
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Which is good.- That's good? OK.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46..40...
0:26:46 > 0:26:47AUDIENCE GASPS
0:26:47 > 0:26:49..but only just.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51..9.9.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Oh! There we go.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Well...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02All right. Thank you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03In the wet?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Very wet.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Thank you! I got a V. - Special very wet.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Well, I must let you go, which is a shame,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13because I'm much enjoying all of this.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hiddleston!- Thank you.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Now, on this show we like to test cars for everybody -
0:27:29 > 0:27:33rock stars, billionaires, Arab oil sheiks.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36We like to think that we're more inclusive
0:27:36 > 0:27:39than the BBC regional news programme.
0:27:39 > 0:27:45But there is one group of motorists that we always ignore. Caravannists.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Yes, and because there are half a million caravans in Britain -
0:27:49 > 0:27:52in fact, we buy more caravans than any other European nation -
0:27:52 > 0:27:56the producer said that Jeremy and I should address this issue.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Yes, they told us to do a proper comparison test
0:28:00 > 0:28:04like they do in Which? magazine, and they told us not to muck about.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:12These are the cars caravannists like -
0:28:12 > 0:28:16jacked-up diesel hatchbacks with part-time four-wheel drive,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19so they can deal with muddy campsites
0:28:21 > 0:28:23They're all terrible.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27I know they're all terrible but they're very popular.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30The Nissan Kumquat is the sixth bestselling car in Britain.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34- We have to decide which one of these is best.- You mean the least worst.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36All right, the least worst.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40- Right, you pick a key and we'll start with that.- Here we go.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45I think this is how most caravanners end up with their cars.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49- They just get the keys from a bowl at a party.- Toyota RAV4.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Here it is. It has a 2.2-litre engine,
0:28:59 > 0:29:01prices start at £22,000.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05However, it does sit in a rather high insurance group
0:29:05 > 0:29:08and for that reason, because we have to be ruthless,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10we must eliminate it straightaway.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Good work, James. Crisp delivery, full of facts.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- However, this is a Mitsubishi Outlander.- Is it?
0:29:16 > 0:29:20It's not a RAV4. They all look exactly the same.
0:29:22 > 0:29:27To try and find some differences, we took them all for a spin
0:29:27 > 0:29:30and very soon, we came to a startling conclusion.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34They're all exactly the same to drive as well -
0:29:34 > 0:29:37they are all very dreary.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Let me explain my problem with cars of this type.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44This is a Honda Civic, this is a Honda CRV.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47They have exactly the same engine,
0:29:47 > 0:29:49they seat exactly the same number of people
0:29:49 > 0:29:53and they have the same level of crash protection and safety.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57But caravanners choose the CRV, which is more expensive to buy,
0:29:57 > 0:30:00more expensive to run and nowhere near as nice to drive
0:30:00 > 0:30:04because it suits their annual holiday requirements.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07That's like clomping around in ski boots all year
0:30:07 > 0:30:10because every February you go to the Alps.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12I mean, I like snorkelling,
0:30:12 > 0:30:16but I don't go shopping every day in a face mask because it saves...
0:30:16 > 0:30:17As Jeremy ranted on,
0:30:17 > 0:30:21I drew up a big chart showing all the facts
0:30:21 > 0:30:24that caravannists care about.
0:30:24 > 0:30:30Insurance, CO2 emissions, maximum towing weights and so on.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34And with this, we can start to see what's what.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38This is the chart our researchers have drawn up.
0:30:38 > 0:30:45And straightaway we can see there's a problem with the Peugeot 3008 which is the...
0:30:45 > 0:30:46blue one?
0:30:46 > 0:30:51- It's the brown one. - Well, whatever. Because look here.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54The maximum towing weight on average is two tonnes.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57The Chevrolet, two tonnes. Ford is 2.1.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Two tonnes, two tonnes, two tonnes.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02But the Peugeot, because it's a hybrid,
0:31:02 > 0:31:04it can only pull half a tonne.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- Yes, it's a... - It couldn't even pull me.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09No, it's a good point you're bringing up, very significant.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13The Nissan Kumquat, it may be the sixth bestselling car in Britain,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15but look, 1.4 tonnes against generally two tonnes.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- That's not really good enough. - We can eliminate both.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- This is very professional work we're doing here.- It is.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23I think we must turn now to price.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25I'm looking here at the Chevrolet Captiva.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29It's over £28,000 and look at its insurance group.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32And the road tax because it's not that good on emissions.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36- So you'd eliminate the Captiva for being too expensive?- Yes.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39And I would like to draw your attention to this.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41The SsangYong Korando, under £19,000.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44- Can you see anything wrong with that?- Yes, I'd rather have warts.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48We spent several hours going through all the numbers
0:31:48 > 0:31:52in a professional Caravan Club type way
0:31:52 > 0:31:56until we were left with just two cars -
0:31:56 > 0:32:02the Mazda CX-5 and the top-selling Volkswagen Tiguan.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07On paper, both are well priced and both have low emissions
0:32:07 > 0:32:11and frugal diesel engines but which is the least worst?
0:32:12 > 0:32:17To find out, we've devised a series of caravan-relevant tests,
0:32:17 > 0:32:20starting with which one can do the best J-turn.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25- The Mazda went first. - OK, here we go.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Ready? Brake and spin it round!
0:32:30 > 0:32:34Into first and away. Not bad. Not bad at all.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39But before I tried the VW, there was a problem.
0:32:39 > 0:32:40What does he want?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44James? What does he want?
0:32:44 > 0:32:50- He says it's not very relevant to caravanning.- What isn't?- J-turns.
0:32:51 > 0:32:57- Don't caravanners do J-turns? - He says no.- Well, there we are.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59So that's not a relevant test, as it turns out.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04To get a better idea of what tests we should be doing,
0:33:04 > 0:33:09we were told to spend a day with our cars living like caravannists.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Er, right. James is in the wrong car.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Cock.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21First of all, we decided to go to something called the tip,
0:33:21 > 0:33:25which we've been told is something caravannists do a lot.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30There's one there that you can throw your bra in.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33- Why would you throw your bras away? - Or your clothes?
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Or your mobile phone? Why would you throw your mobile phone away?
0:33:36 > 0:33:40- Look, washing machines.- "What shall we throw away today, darling?"
0:33:40 > 0:33:41"I know, the spin drier."
0:33:41 > 0:33:44"What's for supper?" "I've thrown the cooker away."
0:33:44 > 0:33:47That's what they've done. They've just come and thrown their cookers away.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51It's brand-new!
0:33:53 > 0:33:57That man just pulled up in his Mercedes and threw this away.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00It's dirty but...
0:34:00 > 0:34:03It's even... Look, bar code.
0:34:03 > 0:34:08He's just bought this from a shop, come down here and thrown it away.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12She's got something else. Is it massive?
0:34:12 > 0:34:16Yes, it's the wardrobe door. Just taken the door off the wardrobe and thrown it away.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Before leaving this strange place,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21we did something else caravanners enjoy.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22We washed our cars.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24SQUEAKING
0:34:27 > 0:34:31And then we went to caravannist heaven.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34EASY LISTENING MUSIC
0:34:34 > 0:34:36- This any good? - Oh, there's some chain.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Plastic sheeting.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Suitable for domestic use.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- No, we need a bit more heavy-duty. - Wait a minute.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53Soon our trolley was full of many things
0:34:53 > 0:34:55we thought caravanners might buy.
0:34:55 > 0:35:00- Quicklime, shovels.- Zinc tub, axes.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Duct tape. Saws. Rope.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09We then took all our new stuff to the tip and threw it away.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Having washed our cars again...
0:35:14 > 0:35:18SQUEAKING
0:35:18 > 0:35:21We set off for the garden centre
0:35:21 > 0:35:25and on the way I tried to solve a knotty problem.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Last year, in Britain,
0:35:27 > 0:35:3110,500 people bought a Volkswagen Tiguan.
0:35:31 > 0:35:343,000 bought a Mazda CX-5.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38Even though the Mazda is less expensive to buy,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41it uses less fuel, it's cheaper to insure,
0:35:41 > 0:35:45it's kinder to Johnny Polar Bear so the road tax is cheaper. So why?
0:35:45 > 0:35:50What's wrong with it? What is it that puts a caravanner off this car?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54At the garden centre, I thought I'd found the answer.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57CAR GRUNTS
0:35:57 > 0:35:59What was that?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03What did I just hit?
0:36:04 > 0:36:06It's got automatic brakes!
0:36:08 > 0:36:12It stopped without me asking it to
0:36:12 > 0:36:15because it thought I was going to hit the hedge. Get in.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Try and run me down.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Oh, all right(!)
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down."
0:36:31 > 0:36:36In order to be even more thorough, I decided to test it on James's car.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Here we go. Ready?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48A bit baffled,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52we went back to the job of getting into a caravanning state of mind.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- Look, pansies! There we go. - Are those petunias?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07SQUEAKING
0:37:14 > 0:37:17SQUEAKING
0:37:17 > 0:37:21- Look at that.- That is a duck. - That is a duck.- Put it in the book.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Things were going well but as night fell,
0:37:30 > 0:37:35I realised the earlier crash had broken my Mazda's intercooler.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Engine inspection required. There's an engine warning light.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41There's every warning light there is.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44This is not going much further so I'm going to shove it in that car park over there
0:37:44 > 0:37:46and wait for a tow truck.
0:37:48 > 0:37:54Weirdly, this remote woodland car park was full of other cars just like mine.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Look at this.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00This is really clever.
0:38:01 > 0:38:06You can have one interior light on or two or all four.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Dim. Bright. Dim. Bright.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Dim. Bright.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17SQUEAKING
0:38:19 > 0:38:22This is so dirty.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28That's got it. There you go.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Is that Stan Collymore over there?
0:38:33 > 0:38:34Flash your lights.
0:38:37 > 0:38:38Again.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42No. No, it's Phil Mitchell.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46We were waiting in the car park for quite some time.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51And the following morning, the memories were still with us.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59But having spent the day as caravanners,
0:38:59 > 0:39:02we did at least know how we should be testing our cars.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08So we put the Stig into the VW, hitched it up to a caravan,
0:39:08 > 0:39:10and asked him to set a lap time.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Three, two, one, go.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- What just fell over in there? - Scrabble.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Now, we should explain
0:39:24 > 0:39:27the Volkswagen has a part-time four-wheel-drive system
0:39:27 > 0:39:30which will cut in should sensors detect
0:39:30 > 0:39:32he's about to lose control.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35- And he probably is there. - Here we go.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39- Now we can be feeding power to the back end as well.- He's through.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42He's looking good, looking good. Coming up to Chicago.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48- Wobbly, very wobbly there. - Ooh, completely sideways!
0:39:48 > 0:39:52He's gathered it up with an armful of oppo, which is what you should do if that happens.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56That's a five-wheel drift!
0:40:00 > 0:40:05Top speed of the Tiguan with the caravan attached is just 70mph.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Whoa!
0:40:08 > 0:40:12- But look at that.- This is an object lesson for caravanners.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15There's no need to dawdle. You really can get your foot down.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- The wheel!- No!- It's come off!
0:40:21 > 0:40:24- He's still going.- I know! - We should move back!
0:40:26 > 0:40:29He's coming in a shower of sparks towards the line.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35And across the line.
0:40:35 > 0:40:40- Two minutes 15.82.- So there we are.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Next it was the turn of the Mazda.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Three, two, one.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- TYRES SQUEAL - Whoa!
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Right. Now we should bear in mind
0:40:54 > 0:40:58the Mazda has ten more horsepowers than the Volkswagen.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01It has, I think, 30 or 40 more torques.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07In theory, then, it should be faster.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09However...
0:41:09 > 0:41:11- Smoke coming off the brakes! - Smoke pouring off.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12Whoa!
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Having declared the Tiguan the victor by default,
0:41:22 > 0:41:26we took the Stig to the tip and threw him away.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33Then, as we were leaving, the producers ambushed us with a challenge.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39- "You are stupid idiots."- Er, hello?!
0:41:40 > 0:41:43"J-turns and high-speed laps with the Stig are not relevant.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46"In order to determine which of your cars is actually best,
0:41:46 > 0:41:49"YOU will now do some caravanning."
0:41:50 > 0:41:53- Really?- I knew it would come to this.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57"We have booked one luxury space at an exclusive caravan site
0:41:57 > 0:41:59"in the prestigious New Forest.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02"The one who arrives last sleeps the night."
0:42:05 > 0:42:09The start point was several miles away from the site,
0:42:09 > 0:42:14so while James applied some comedy stickers to his Hurricane XL
0:42:14 > 0:42:16and my Hurricane GTX,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19I studied the map.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21So there's the caravan site.
0:42:21 > 0:42:26Now, I could drive to it on the roads but that would be antisocial.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30I would hold people up, people who are going about their lawful business.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33So why don't I just drive cross-country?
0:42:33 > 0:42:38I mean, it's not exactly the Himalayas, is it?
0:42:40 > 0:42:42With our vans loaded,
0:42:42 > 0:42:44we were ready to go.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49HE MOUTHS
0:42:52 > 0:42:53Hey!
0:42:54 > 0:42:56No, no, no.
0:42:56 > 0:42:57Aha!
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Yes! The mighty...
0:43:00 > 0:43:03No! No, no. How's he done that?
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Annoyingly, James had not only taken the lead
0:43:07 > 0:43:11but he'd also had the same idea as me about going off-road.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14That's tracking straight and true.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19There's no way Jeremy can get past here.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22Looking for an overtake.
0:43:22 > 0:43:23Not happening.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Come on, May.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35Soon we had different ideas about which way to go.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Bit choppy but I think it's shorter.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43And with Mr Slowly out of the way,
0:43:43 > 0:43:47I could unleash the more powerful Mazda.
0:43:48 > 0:43:49Come on!
0:43:51 > 0:43:53Yes!
0:43:58 > 0:43:59Argh!
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Up we go.
0:44:07 > 0:44:12It's amazing the ease with which the CX-5 is pulling the Hurricane GTX.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18This is what this car was designed to do.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Get you the best plot on the campsite.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27Oh, no! No!
0:44:27 > 0:44:31Meanwhile, my short cut had got a bit boggy.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38So nearly out.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42If I can just get it to climb up onto that other rutty bit...
0:44:44 > 0:44:47That's coming. Here we go.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50Yes! Ha-ha!
0:44:50 > 0:44:53You've got one of these, you can do that.
0:44:54 > 0:44:59I, meanwhile, had found a track where I could go even faster.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02That is very quick now. Good, looking good.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04However...
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Oh, look at this.
0:45:13 > 0:45:17The sheer pull of the 2.2 litre turbo-diesel engine
0:45:17 > 0:45:19has ripped the front from the Hurricane.
0:45:23 > 0:45:29And I couldn't back off because suddenly James was right behind me.
0:45:29 > 0:45:30He-he!
0:45:32 > 0:45:35Coming up on me. He's gaining.
0:45:35 > 0:45:36And then...
0:45:38 > 0:45:39Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Oh, no.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50This is disastrous. I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan.
0:45:50 > 0:45:55Are things as bad back there as I suspect they are?
0:45:55 > 0:45:58Let me put it this way, I've run over your left-hand wall.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Oh, and your portable lavatory.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07Then things got even worse.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09Now we're on somebody's lawn.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Come on, come on, mighty 2.2 litre diesel.
0:46:18 > 0:46:19Oh, no.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24A very big catastrophe has befallen me.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32I could actually overtake now but this is too amusing. I've got...
0:46:38 > 0:46:43Sadly, I was laughing so much I crashed...into myself.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45I've spun!
0:46:46 > 0:46:50This, combined with Jeremy's drastic weight loss,
0:46:50 > 0:46:52meant he could scamper away.
0:46:59 > 0:47:0360mph. This is caravanning at its best.
0:47:05 > 0:47:10And by my reckoning, the site was now just a couple of miles away.
0:47:10 > 0:47:16Victory now is mine. I will not be sleeping in what remains of the van.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Whoa! It's a biggie.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Worried that I might be sleeping in my van...
0:47:29 > 0:47:31I kept my foot hard down.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36Hurricane XL holding up well.
0:47:43 > 0:47:44Ooh! Bloody hell!
0:47:46 > 0:47:50Ha-ha! The XL refuses to die.
0:47:54 > 0:47:57I, meanwhile, had arrived at the site
0:47:57 > 0:48:00and was looking for the prestigious plot 200.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03Where's plot 200? Plot 200?
0:48:08 > 0:48:12Yes. In here. By this stagnant pond.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19202. 201.
0:48:19 > 0:48:25Plot 200 is vacant which means I don't have to stay in it.
0:48:25 > 0:48:28Yes!
0:48:29 > 0:48:31HE EXHALES
0:48:32 > 0:48:34So there we are.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37After the most exhaustive caravan test in all of history,
0:48:37 > 0:48:42we have established that 10,500 people are just plain wrong.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46The Volkswagen Tiguan is not the best tow car.
0:48:46 > 0:48:47ENGINE GRUMBLES
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Oh, is that James?
0:48:49 > 0:48:51CRASHING AND BUMPING
0:48:54 > 0:48:56JEREMY LAUGHS
0:48:59 > 0:49:00No way!
0:49:02 > 0:49:04Plot 200, James. Oh, you're so...!
0:49:08 > 0:49:10- Where's the... - I claim a moral victory.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12- Why a moral victory? - I've still got a caravan.
0:49:12 > 0:49:16Well, not really. You haven't got a wheel. Where's the wheel gone?
0:49:16 > 0:49:17Well, what's that?
0:49:17 > 0:49:21Anybody like a cup of tea? Yes? Jolly good.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38This is Hertfordshire.
0:49:38 > 0:49:43It's just 40 miles from London and it's motoring nirvana.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49Mmm! We have everything we need.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53Huge scenery, swooping road, no traffic.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57The holy trinity for anyone whose communion wine comes with
0:49:57 > 0:49:58an octane rating.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Can't enjoy a Ferrari in Britain?
0:50:02 > 0:50:04Ooh, yes, you can!
0:50:05 > 0:50:08But can you enjoy this one?
0:50:14 > 0:50:16It's called the F12.
0:50:16 > 0:50:22It costs £240,000 and thanks to a 730 horsepower V12,
0:50:22 > 0:50:27it's the most powerful road-going Ferrari ever made.
0:50:28 > 0:50:33It's almost as powerful, in fact, as Fernando Alonso's Formula 1 racer.
0:50:40 > 0:50:45Of course, at this point, people with mouths of meal would say,
0:50:45 > 0:50:48"What's the point of all that, then, when we've got speed limits?"
0:50:50 > 0:50:53You don't have to use all of it all the time.
0:50:53 > 0:50:57In a town, you can sit back, turn on the radio,
0:50:57 > 0:51:01put the suspension in bumpy road mode to make everything nice
0:51:01 > 0:51:05and comfy, set the gearbox in automatic and the air conditioning
0:51:05 > 0:51:09just so and then you can drive along quite happily at 20mph.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Easy.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14It's not even especially big.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19I'm not saying this is tiny but it's not preposterous.
0:51:19 > 0:51:22You don't go through every gap like that.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27So this car works in Letchworth just like any other car
0:51:27 > 0:51:34but when the built-up area ends, it's not like any other car at all.
0:51:43 > 0:51:44Wow, wow. This is fast.
0:51:57 > 0:52:03Ferrari say it'll go from 0-60 in 3.1 seconds.
0:52:03 > 0:52:06And that at flat out, it'll be doing 211mph.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12And it's not just the massive engine which makes it all so savage.
0:52:15 > 0:52:19Unlike the old 599, this has a double clutch gearbox,
0:52:19 > 0:52:22so gear changes are immediate.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26You build up the speed until the noise gets too much
0:52:26 > 0:52:30and your ears are bleeding and if you change up, then there's no gap.
0:52:30 > 0:52:31How does it DO that?
0:52:35 > 0:52:38They've also fitted a more sophisticated traction
0:52:38 > 0:52:43control system which lets you have fun without allowing you to crash.
0:52:48 > 0:52:53But the most impressive thing is how this car manages the air.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00These flaps down here - when the brakes are hot,
0:53:00 > 0:53:04they open to allow cooling air to pass on to the discs.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08But the rest of the time, they're shut, for better aerodynamics.
0:53:08 > 0:53:11And then you have these channels on either side of the bonnet.
0:53:11 > 0:53:16The air is funnelled along them into here and out of here
0:53:16 > 0:53:19so it provides a boundary layer of smooth air
0:53:19 > 0:53:23passing down the flanks of the car, making it more slippery.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25There's real downforce as well.
0:53:25 > 0:53:32At 125mph, the weight of the air pressing down on the car is 19st.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35That's like having half of John Prescott on the roof,
0:53:35 > 0:53:38forcing the tyres into the tarmac, giving better grip.
0:53:41 > 0:53:43They have done everything in the book, then,
0:53:43 > 0:53:47to exploit the colossal firepower.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50And the results are mesmerising.
0:53:55 > 0:53:58In the past, big Ferraris felt big.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03The Testarossa, the 612 - they were immense,
0:54:03 > 0:54:06they were fat-boy cars.
0:54:06 > 0:54:11This isn't. This is light and nimble and sharp.
0:54:11 > 0:54:13It's... It is spectacular.
0:54:20 > 0:54:24I must confess, though, that while the car is fine,
0:54:24 > 0:54:26I am struggling,
0:54:26 > 0:54:29because it is a bit frantic in here.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36I just went airborne then.
0:54:41 > 0:54:46You read about those early test pilots in Mach 2 jet fighters,
0:54:46 > 0:54:50going to the very limits of what was possible.
0:54:50 > 0:54:54That's what it feels like in this. Like you're sort of out of control.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05And it has incredibly fast steering, so the slightest movement
0:55:05 > 0:55:08of the wheel causes an immediate dart one way or the other.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12And then there's the throttle.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14You put your foot down and you think, "Oh, yes!"
0:55:14 > 0:55:18And then immediately, you think, "Well, no, actually!" Too scary!
0:55:25 > 0:55:30And when life is as hectic as this, what you really want
0:55:30 > 0:55:34are for all the controls to be conventional - and they're not.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36All the knobs and buttons for the lights and the wipers
0:55:36 > 0:55:39and the indicators are all on the steering wheel,
0:55:39 > 0:55:42which moves about, so they're never where you left them.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46Can't even sneeze when you're driving this car
0:55:46 > 0:55:50because if you did, well, they'd have to hose you off the road.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55To try and explain what I'm on about,
0:55:55 > 0:55:57I've come to this tennis court.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06This is what it's like
0:56:07 > 0:56:14to drive an ordinary car on the roads of Hertfordshire.
0:56:14 > 0:56:15There you go - golf GTI.
0:56:17 > 0:56:21BMW M3, Ferrari 458.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25This is easy and manageable.
0:56:25 > 0:56:28And I can do it all day.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32Now let me show you what it's like
0:56:32 > 0:56:36to drive a Ferrari F12.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Get off!
0:56:44 > 0:56:45Oh!
0:56:45 > 0:56:47Ooh, in the face!
0:57:05 > 0:57:09The Stig says this is the only car in the world that can hold a candle
0:57:09 > 0:57:12to the Lexus LFA.
0:57:12 > 0:57:15He also says it's the first Ferrari he's ever driven that he would
0:57:15 > 0:57:18actually buy - if he had any concept of money,
0:57:18 > 0:57:19which of course he doesn't.
0:57:21 > 0:57:22Me, though...
0:57:24 > 0:57:28I mean, it is brilliant but I think it would be better still
0:57:28 > 0:57:31if it had slower steering and -
0:57:31 > 0:57:33it's hard for me to say this, but -
0:57:33 > 0:57:35a bit less power.
0:57:38 > 0:57:42Yes, you can really enjoy it in Britain
0:57:42 > 0:57:45but you can't really enjoy all of it.
0:58:04 > 0:58:08APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:58:08 > 0:58:12The options on this - they do take it up to 250 as well.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15- Hang on, hang on, hang on.- What?
0:58:15 > 0:58:18Did I just hear you, Jeremy Clarkson,
0:58:18 > 0:58:21say that you'd like a bit less power?
0:58:21 > 0:58:22Yes, you did.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24Isn't that a bit like Gordon Ramsay saying,
0:58:24 > 0:58:27"Yes, I like this dish but I wish it had a bit less flavour?"
0:58:27 > 0:58:33Or James May saying, "Yes, I like this but can it be a bit less brown?"
0:58:33 > 0:58:35Yeah...no, it is like that
0:58:35 > 0:58:36but it is a bombshell -
0:58:36 > 0:58:38which means we can end.
0:58:38 > 0:58:41Thank you very much for watching. Take care. Good night.