0:00:51 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Good evening. We hope you're all having an absolutely wonderful Christmas.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05We've got a marvellous show for you.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09There's the Kirov State Ballet, the Moscow State Circus,
0:01:09 > 0:01:14the Ukrainian State Dancers, the Leningrad Philharmonic Orchestra,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17and the Massed Bands of the Red Army.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19And as an encore, we'll be declaring war on Europe.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:23And for those of you who like a bit of peace and quiet,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27we've got the massed choirs of the Noise Abatement Society singing Silent Night.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29But first, the news.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32The BBC announced today that there will be a special fortnight
0:01:32 > 0:01:35of special programmes in November to mark the first anniversary
0:01:35 > 0:01:36of its 50th anniversary.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:39In the Commons yesterday,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Mr Willie Hamilton held up a piece of mistletoe
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and said the price was a disgrace.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46226 members shouted, "Shame".
0:01:46 > 0:01:48193 shouted, "Hear, hear".
0:01:48 > 0:01:49And 12 kissed him.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And the Croydon girl who had her clothes torn off
0:01:54 > 0:01:56during a bring and buy sale in a church hall
0:01:56 > 0:01:58arrived home last night suffering from shock.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Her father, an upholsterer, rushed her to his workshop,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and today she is reported to be fully recovered.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER
0:02:06 > 0:02:10APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The governor... The governor of Parkhurst has announced that
0:02:14 > 0:02:19five maximum-security prisoners today sat down to a Christmas dinner
0:02:19 > 0:02:20of turkey, stuffing,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts and Christmas pudding with brandy sauce.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27However, efforts to recapture them are still going on.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And shooting on Ken Russell's new film, a musical film,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33A Night On A Bare Mountain,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36was held up last week when Sir Rafe Richardson walked out
0:02:36 > 0:02:39after Mrs Mills had refused to take her clothes off.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41As a special Christmas goodwill gesture,
0:02:41 > 0:02:46a well-known British petrol firm is offering an extended-play gramophone record
0:02:46 > 0:02:51of American Indian ghost stories for only three new pence.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Just ask for the BP 3p Creepy Tepee EP.
0:02:55 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:02 > 0:03:05We've been asked to make a special Christmas appeal on behalf of
0:03:05 > 0:03:08the Society for the Prevention of Rudeness on Envelopes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10If you're opposed to rudeness on envelopes,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12send your money to this address -
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Pull Your Knickers Down, Bristol FA3.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Here is a police warning.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22A consignment of talcum powder sold last week in the central London area
0:03:22 > 0:03:26contained baking powder by mistake.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28People who purchased the product are warned
0:03:28 > 0:03:32not to sit too close to the fire or they may break out in biscuits.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:35While at a London store,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39a sandwich board man stopped work as a protest yesterday after he heard
0:03:39 > 0:03:42that the store's Father Christmas had been given the sack.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45After it had been explained to him that the Christmas...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Father Christmas had to have the sack before he could start work,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50the sandwich man was given his notice.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52This, in turn, angered the Father Christmas until it was explained
0:03:52 > 0:03:55that the sandwich man had to have his notice to carry round the streets.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Afterwards, the Father Christmas agreed to take the sack
0:03:58 > 0:03:59providing he wasn't given his notice
0:03:59 > 0:04:01and the sandwich man agreed to carry his notice
0:04:01 > 0:04:03provided he wasn't given the sack.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06The solution to this item will be given later in the programme.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:10But first, a sketch starring Mr Ronnie Corbett,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13who is now appearing in Aladdin And His Wonderful Lamp,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15playing the part of the wick.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18And Mr Ronnie Barker, who is now appearing in Robin Hood,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20playing the part of Sherwood Forest.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23So let's now consider the state of the party.
0:04:25 > 0:04:32EASY LISTENING MUSIC
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Hello.- Hello.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37What do you do?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I run like hell.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42No, I mean for a living.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant
0:04:43 > 0:04:46what do I do when I'm attacked by a giant vampire bat,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50with great black flapping wings, screeching and tearing at my throat.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53No, no, no, I just meant for a job, you know?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, sorry - I'm a solicitor.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh. That's very interesting.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Interesting? It's appalling!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It's the most hideous, terrifying death in the world.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04No, I mean being a solicitor.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Oh, sorry, I thought you meant being left in the graveyard
0:05:07 > 0:05:10when the vampire bats attack you, flying out of the white moon,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11screeching and tearing at your throat.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No, no, no, I just meant, is it interesting being a solicitor?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Well, yes, in a way, you know.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I...I had an uncle who was one once.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22God, no. Did they have to drive a stake through his heart?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23No, no, no.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:26No, he was a solicitor.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Oh, not a vampire?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28No.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Oh, well, in that case they wouldn't want to drive a stake through his heart, would they?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33No, definitely not, no.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Would you, would you like another one?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38God, no, not another one. One's enough, tearing at my throat!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Another one would go for my eyes as well.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I mean, I mean, would you like another drink?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh! Oh, yes, yes, yes, I would.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46You would? You would what?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47I would like another drink.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- Oh, I see. For a minute, I thought you meant you would have left him lying there in a pool of blood.- No.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Without any attempt to cover up the body at all.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56No, I just meant I wanted some more.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58YOU wanted some more? I wanted some more.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Everybody wanted some more - the whole family, but he was a solicitor, you see.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- No, no, more Scotch. - More S...? No, no, Welsh.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Welsh. Little Welsh...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07God, we hated him, hated him.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- No water.- No water, no. I had to use old newspaper to mop the blood up.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14It was all over the floor and it was all over the ceiling.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18And there was this little Welsh solicitor lying there with a stake through his heart.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I don't... I don't really have nightmares about vampires.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I had to do it, you see - you do understand that, don't you?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I had to do it, I had to.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh, God! The blood, the horror.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I was just saying that about vampires to...
0:06:29 > 0:06:30to, to make conversation.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Yes, that's all I do it for. Parties get so boring otherwise, don't they?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Oh, yes.- Are you married? - Yes, I am...
0:06:35 > 0:06:39APPLAUSE
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Later in the show...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Later in the show, we'll be speaking to a Norwich vet
0:06:45 > 0:06:48who has crossed a giraffe with an Alsatian
0:06:48 > 0:06:52and got a dog that barks at low-flying aircraft.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55But first, it's time for some music.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Some years ago,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59a young girl came down from Scotland to London
0:06:59 > 0:07:01in search of fame and fortune.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05At the age of 16, she made her first record, and at the age of 17,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08she made her first tour of America.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You all know who she is today -
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Jessie McGonagall.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15But who wants to listen to her?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19We'd... We'd much rather hear from Lulu and The Young Generation.
0:07:19 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:25 > 0:07:29# Shout, shout, shout, shout
0:07:29 > 0:07:30- # Shout - Yeah
0:07:30 > 0:07:31- # Shout - Yeah
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- # Shout,- yeah,- shout,- yeah, - shout,- yeah,- shout,- yeah
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# Shout now, everybody shout now
0:07:37 > 0:07:41# Shout out, everybody shout now
0:07:41 > 0:07:45# We're gonna shout right now
0:07:45 > 0:07:48# Shout out, oh, Lulu, shout out
0:07:48 > 0:07:51# Hey, Lulu, shout, shout, shout
0:07:51 > 0:07:52# Hey, shout out for Lulu
0:07:52 > 0:07:54# Lulu! #
0:07:54 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE
0:07:59 > 0:08:05MUSIC: To My Father's House
0:08:08 > 0:08:12# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:08:14 > 0:08:18# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:08:19 > 0:08:22# There'll be no crying there
0:08:22 > 0:08:25# There'll be no dying there
0:08:25 > 0:08:29# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:08:30 > 0:08:34# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:08:36 > 0:08:40# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:08:41 > 0:08:46# There'll be no crying there, there'll be no dying there
0:08:46 > 0:08:51# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:08:52 > 0:08:57# In my father's house, there are so many mansions there
0:08:57 > 0:09:03# If that were not true, you know that I would have told you so
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# I'm going to prepare a place for you
0:09:05 > 0:09:08# If ever I go, you could come there too
0:09:08 > 0:09:13# Come on and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:09:14 > 0:09:18# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:09:19 > 0:09:23# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:09:24 > 0:09:27# There'll be no crying there
0:09:27 > 0:09:29# There'll be no dying there
0:09:29 > 0:09:30# Yeah, there'll be no dying
0:09:30 > 0:09:32# Come and go with me
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# To my father's house, to my father's house
0:09:36 > 0:09:41# In my father's house, there are so many mansions there
0:09:41 > 0:09:43# If that were not true
0:09:43 > 0:09:46# You know that I would have told you so
0:09:46 > 0:09:49# I'm going to prepare a place for you
0:09:49 > 0:09:52# Wherever I go, you could come there too
0:09:52 > 0:09:56# Come on and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:09:57 > 0:10:01# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:10:03 > 0:10:07# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:10:07 > 0:10:09# There'll be no crying there
0:10:09 > 0:10:11# There'll be no crying
0:10:11 > 0:10:12# There'll be no dying there
0:10:12 > 0:10:13# And there's no dying
0:10:13 > 0:10:15# To my father's house
0:10:15 > 0:10:16# To my father's house
0:10:16 > 0:10:17# There are many mansions there
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# Mansions
0:10:19 > 0:10:20# Tell you what I'll do
0:10:20 > 0:10:21# Tell you what I'll do
0:10:21 > 0:10:23# I could have told you so
0:10:23 > 0:10:24# Yes, I could have told you so
0:10:24 > 0:10:28# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:10:28 > 0:10:32# Come on, go with me
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# You gotta go with me
0:10:34 > 0:10:35# Go with me
0:10:35 > 0:10:36# Come on and go with me
0:10:36 > 0:10:37# Go with me
0:10:37 > 0:10:39# I said go with me, yeah
0:10:39 > 0:10:40# Go with me
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# Come on, go with me, yeah
0:10:42 > 0:10:43# Go with me
0:10:43 > 0:10:44# Yeah, go with me
0:10:44 > 0:10:45# Go with me
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# Come on, go with me, yeah
0:10:47 > 0:10:52# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:10:52 > 0:10:57# Yeah, come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house
0:10:58 > 0:11:01# Come and go with me to my father's house
0:11:01 > 0:11:05# To my father's
0:11:05 > 0:11:08# House
0:11:08 > 0:11:12# Ye-eah. #
0:11:12 > 0:11:17APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:27MUSIC: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
0:11:39 > 0:11:44BICYCLE BELL TINKLES AND HORN HONKS
0:11:44 > 0:11:47CHEERFUL KAZOO THEME
0:12:16 > 0:12:19# Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright... #
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Whoa!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar
0:12:26 > 0:12:29# Field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# While shepherds watch their flock by night
0:12:32 > 0:12:33# All seated on the ground... #
0:12:33 > 0:12:36SHEEP BAAS
0:12:36 > 0:12:39# We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts... #
0:12:39 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:41BELL RINGS
0:12:41 > 0:12:44# Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing
0:12:44 > 0:12:46# Ding dong verily the sky... #
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:52HE SCAT SINGS
0:12:52 > 0:12:54BELL DONGS
0:12:54 > 0:12:55HE SHOUTS
0:13:06 > 0:13:08SHE GIGGLES
0:13:09 > 0:13:11SHE SQUEALS
0:13:17 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:22CLANG!
0:13:35 > 0:13:36HIGH-PITCHED MUTTERING
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Eh? Wha? Eh?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Argh! Argh!
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Ooh!
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Argh!
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Ooh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30HE CACKLES
0:14:34 > 0:14:37HE LAUGHS AND SHE SQUEALS
0:14:38 > 0:14:41ALARM RINGS
0:14:41 > 0:14:43HORN HONKS
0:14:43 > 0:14:45GONG CLASHES
0:15:04 > 0:15:05FLAPPING
0:15:38 > 0:15:39HE CACKLES
0:15:48 > 0:15:49CLUCKING
0:15:51 > 0:15:52GUNSHOT
0:16:13 > 0:16:14CRASH!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20BURP!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57INAUDIBLE SPEECH
0:17:12 > 0:17:13HE STRAINS
0:17:20 > 0:17:21HE CACKLES
0:17:27 > 0:17:28HONKING
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Come on, hurry up! - No, I'm still changing.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'm still changing! I've got a fag...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48DING!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53# Goodies! Goody goody yum yum. #
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Here are two news items that have just come in.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05The Archbishop of Canterbury
0:19:05 > 0:19:08gave a special Christmas address this evening.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09It's 27 Stuffing Road, Turkey.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15And a thief broke into the home of Mr Bruce Forsyth last week.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17The burglar alarm went off after 45 seconds
0:19:17 > 0:19:19during which time the man got away
0:19:19 > 0:19:23with a toast rack, an umbrella stand, a fluffy dog, a camera,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25one of those things you put cakes on that folds up,
0:19:25 > 0:19:26a bottle of champagne,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28a magazine rack, set of matching luggage,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31ladies' nightdress and a pair of wellington boots.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Bruce Forsyth, when asked to comment, said, "Didn't he do well?"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And now,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and now two young ladies who have also done very well.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Ladies and gentlemen, the Liver Birds.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49# All things bright and beautiful
0:19:49 > 0:19:52# All creatures great and small
0:19:52 > 0:19:57# All things wise and wonderful
0:19:57 > 0:20:02# The Lord God made them all... #
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Switch it off, Sand.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I cooked most of the food, why can't you switch it off?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Cos I ate most of the food.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13All right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14MUSIC STOPS
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Sand, do you mind?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19My paper hat'll be round me waist.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Sorry, Beryl, my legs aren't used to carrying
0:20:21 > 0:20:23more than a cheese sandwich.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Oh, well, I'm glad yesterday's over anyway. I hate Christmas Day.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34It makes me feel very sad.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Oh, Sandra, now, come on, it's supposed to be the festive season,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41you're supposed to be joyful and happy and gay and...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44..sick.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49I don't know why it is but I can't stop thinking about poor people.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And hungry children.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52And dead turkeys.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57Oh, my God, we're not going to have three minutes' silence for the contents of our stomach, are we?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Well, it is rather cruel, isn't it, Beryl?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I mean, look at the state of that poor thing.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Well, it's its destiny, isn't it?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I mean, we've all got to die sometimes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11It's just that some of us go in black cars surrounded by flowers
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and some of us go in roasting tins surrounded by spuds.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20You're right, Beryl. Do you know, sometimes, you're very philosophical.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Now you're waiting for me to ask you what that word means, aren't you?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28No. No, I do credit you with a little intelligence.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Yes, well, don't overdo it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31What does it mean?
0:21:31 > 0:21:36It means that you ruminate, you speculate, you perpend.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40My God, ask a silly question, you get three silly answers.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Oh, well, if we're going to that party tonight,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44perhaps we better start tidying up.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Right.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50I'm glad that's done.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- It's amazing how you can get through your housework if you put your mind to it.- Yeah.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56What was it like at home yesterday?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Oh, the usual hilarious Hennessey Christmas.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Me dad spent all breakfast toasting everybody's health
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and then collapsed. And me mam was so busy cooking everything,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I was afraid to turn round in case she slapped tinfoil on me dad.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11My father sulked all day because
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Mummy made him wear that velvet smoking jacket she bought him,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17then she wouldn't let him smoke in case he dropped ash on it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And then we had the annual family mutiny.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Our Gloria and me mam versus Ernie and me dad.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Me mam reminded me dad that she'd had 28 Christmases with him.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Our Gloria reminded Ernie that she'd had two with him.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33The only thing they agreed upon was they'd had 30 lousy Christmases.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Mummy thinks quarrelling is undignified.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Aye, I thought the word dignity would come into it somewhere.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Does she knit knickers for your turkey?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42No, but she knitted a white sweater for Daddy.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46It was miles too big, he looked like a marquee.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50My mam and dad don't bother giving presents, they just swap fivers.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Hey, did you listen to the Queen's Speech?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Oh, of course we did.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Mam puts her hat on for that.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, well. It's over.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59We've been home, we've done our duty.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Well, when I said we've done our duty, I don't mean...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Well, I like going home.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It's nice, isn't it?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Well, it's family and togetherness,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12and it reminds you of how things used to be.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It reminds you of why you left in the first place.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20You know, Beryl, I think you can tell a person's intentions
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- by the sort of presents they buy you.- What do you mean?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Well, my theory is that this bracelet my Paul bought me
0:23:27 > 0:23:31is symbolic of handcuffs, which means he loves me
0:23:31 > 0:23:33and secretly wants to be bound to me.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35What does half a dozen bath cubes mean?
0:23:35 > 0:23:40It means that secretly someone wants to make love to you in a bath.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Why, who gave them to you?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Your Paul.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Every fella I know gave me half a dozen bath cubes.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I could build a block of flats with them.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Let's face it, Sand.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Anything will do for me.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oh, be fair, Beryl.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57That's a lovely clock your Brian bought you.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yes, well, if your theories are right,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02it means he wants to make love to me on the mantelpiece.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05So, if everybody keeps their promises,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I'll spend half my life wet through
0:24:07 > 0:24:10and the other half on the mantelpiece drying out.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I think these are gorgeous.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Yes, they are. Trust you to get a pair.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I had to get an all-in-one.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20It's nice, Beryl.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Nice? At least you can walk round in yours.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27I'd have to be a bloody kangaroo to go anywhere in this.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I can't quite get the hang of that electric toothbrush your Gloria gave me.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I plugged it in, switched it on and the next thing I knew,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35it had leapt down the lav.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You're supposed to keep hold of it, you daft thing.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Have you tried yours yet?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Of course I have, it's easy.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42And how do your teeth feel?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Loose.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Oh, well. Never mind.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48We can always use them for cleaning our suede boots with.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49That's a good idea.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53You know, Beryl, I'll never forget the look
0:24:53 > 0:24:56on Mummy's and Daddy's faces when I gave them that little puppy.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Little puppy? It took two of us to drag that thing
0:24:59 > 0:25:00out of that dogs' home.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Wish we could have bought them all, really.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Oh, one was enough. We had to cordon off the Christmas tree as it was.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08It only did it once, Beryl.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Once? All the time it was here, its back leg never touched the ground.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16What did your mum and dad think of the liquidiser you gave them?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18They thought it was a reading lamp.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Ah, but they were so chuffed.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Do you know, I could have cried.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Do you know, Beryl, that's exactly how I feel.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Parents are funny, aren't they?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yeah.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33You always mean to tell them how much you love them but you can never
0:25:33 > 0:25:34get round to it somehow.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- I wonder why.- I don't know.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I will one day when me mam pauses long enough.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Tell you what, Beryl,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43let's tell them the next time we see them, shall we?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yeah, all right, yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48After all, we didn't leave home because we didn't love them, did we?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51No, we left home because we couldn't stand them.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Oh, God, what shall we do with that?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I'm sick of the sight of that thing.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Let's throw it out for the birds.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02You can't do that, Beryl.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It's one of its own species.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It would be like giving pork sausage to a pig.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10We'll put it on the windowsill, happen it'll fly away.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Are you in there, Beryl? - Oh, my God, it's me mam.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Beryl!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14I wonder what she wants.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Beryl!- Try a tonsillectomy.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19My God! What a day I've had, what a day.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I don't know where to start.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Happy Christmas, love. I told him, leave it alone, I said.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25But he never takes a blind bit of notice.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26It's like talking to a plastic duck.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- What's the matter, Mam?- You know the liquidiser you bought us?- Yes.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Your dad's liquidised two of his fingers.- Oh, no.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Do you want a sip of sherry, Mrs Hennessey?- Oh, no, thank you, love.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Is he all right? - Oh, yeah, he's all right,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40he's down at the hospital waiting to be stitched.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Supposed to be his good hand and all
0:26:41 > 0:26:44so God knows what he's going to throw his darts with now.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Do you know, if someone were to dip his darts into poison,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48the whole of Bootle could be wiped out in one night.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- Have some sherry, Mrs Hennessey? - Well...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52All right, then, but just the one, mind.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57He's coming down later with the other so I thought we'd have tea with you.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It's all the same, we can have just as good a row down here.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01- All of you?!- No, not all of us.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Just me and your dad, and Ern and our Gloria and the baby and your Uncle Dermot.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You don't mind us being here, do you, queen?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- Well...- No, I thought you wouldn't.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10It's quite funny, really.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Beryl and I were just saying
0:27:12 > 0:27:14how nice it was being at home yesterday.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- We were just saying how nice it was being here together.- Sandra!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Sandra! Darling.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21BOTH: With our families.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Oh, Sandra, I would've telephoned, but I've been in such a frenzy,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29that wretched animal, I can't tell you, I just can't tell you,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31that creature, that monster!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It absconded with the turkey.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, hello, Mrs Hennessey.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Happy Christmas. - Likewise, I'm sure.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44I was just saying, our dog absconded with...it nicked the turkey.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48I was just saying that our liquidiser had nicked two of her dad's fingers.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53Oh, dear. I hope nobody bought him gloves for Christmas.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Have a slurp, Mrs Hutch.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Thank you, dear. What a pretty vase.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02We looked for that creature high and low and when we finally found him
0:28:02 > 0:28:05there was nothing left but a ball of stuffing. It was revolting.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- Who's she talking about now, the dog or her husband?- Ssh!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Where's Daddy?- He's taken the thing for a walk.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13He'll be as back as soon as it's been sick.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- He won't come here? - You don't mind, do you, darling?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I thought we could all have a lovely tea together.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22After a couple of these, we won't notice the company.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Hey, now, look here...
0:28:23 > 0:28:26The trouble is, you see... Well, we haven't got any food left.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Yes, we're going to a party.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31By the way, Mrs Hennessey, thank you for your Christmas card.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33You know, they're really quite good value, aren't they,
0:28:33 > 0:28:34those cheap bumper packs?
0:28:34 > 0:28:39We got yours and all. It's at the Walker Art Gallery being valued.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- I always buy...- Sand!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Listen, you know what you said about telling your mum that you loved her?
0:28:44 > 0:28:45- Yes.- Let's wait until next year.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46Oh, yes.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48- Ah, there's our baby! - BABY CRIES
0:28:48 > 0:28:51"After a few of these we won't notice the company."
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Yeah, quite!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# All things wise and wonderful
0:28:58 > 0:29:03# The Lord God made them all. #
0:29:03 > 0:29:06MUSIC: Burning Love
0:29:10 > 0:29:13# Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising
0:29:16 > 0:29:17# Higher higher
0:29:17 > 0:29:20# It's burning through to my soul
0:29:22 > 0:29:24# Girl, girl, girl
0:29:24 > 0:29:26# You're gonna set me on fire
0:29:29 > 0:29:30# My brain is flaming
0:29:30 > 0:29:32# I don't know which way to go
0:29:35 > 0:29:37# Your kisses lift me higher
0:29:37 > 0:29:40# Like the sweet song of a choir
0:29:41 > 0:29:43# You light my morning sky
0:29:43 > 0:29:45# With burning love
0:29:48 > 0:29:49# Ooh, ooh, ooh
0:29:49 > 0:29:51# I feel my temperature rising
0:29:54 > 0:29:57# Help me, I'm flaming, I must be a hundred and nine
0:30:00 > 0:30:02# Burning, burning, burning
0:30:02 > 0:30:04# And nothing can cool me
0:30:06 > 0:30:08# I might just turn to smoke
0:30:08 > 0:30:10# But I feel fine
0:30:10 > 0:30:15# Your kisses life me higher
0:30:15 > 0:30:18# Like the sweet song of a choir
0:30:18 > 0:30:21# And you light my morning sky
0:30:21 > 0:30:23# With burning love
0:30:25 > 0:30:28# Ah, ah, ah
0:30:28 > 0:30:31# Ah, ah, ah
0:30:31 > 0:30:34# Ah, ah, ah
0:30:34 > 0:30:35# Burning love
0:30:38 > 0:30:39# It's coming closer
0:30:39 > 0:30:41# The flames are now licking my body
0:30:44 > 0:30:45# Won't you help me?
0:30:45 > 0:30:48# I feel like I'm slipping away
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# It's hard to breathe
0:30:52 > 0:30:54# My chest is a-heaving
0:30:57 > 0:30:58# Lord have mercy
0:30:58 > 0:31:00# I'm burning a hole where I lay
0:31:03 > 0:31:05# Your kisses lift me higher
0:31:05 > 0:31:08# Like the sweet song of a choir
0:31:08 > 0:31:11# You light my morning sky
0:31:11 > 0:31:13# With burning love
0:31:15 > 0:31:17# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love
0:31:17 > 0:31:20# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love
0:31:20 > 0:31:24# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love
0:31:24 > 0:31:26# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love
0:31:26 > 0:31:28# Burning love. #
0:31:28 > 0:31:30APPLAUSE
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Have you had a good Christmas, Ronnie?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Oh, yes, yes, it's been all bunting and frolics.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46I was advised not to drink before saying that.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Jolly good jib I dodn't, really.
0:31:50 > 0:31:51Well, we've had a very nice day.
0:31:51 > 0:31:55We've had paper chains everywhere all over the house.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Every time we open the front door, the toilet flushes.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01And there were lots of marvellous presents around this year.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03I gave my wife a pair of ankle warmers.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Knickers without elastic.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Yes, I gave my wife...wife a joke like that, yes.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I'll say that again. I gave my wife a joke like that.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14A pair of run-resistant tights.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15The legs are tied together.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19It works, it works!
0:32:19 > 0:32:22But one of the best presents I got this year was this one.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23This is a lovely one. See that?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Isn't that nice? Guinness Book Of Records.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29It's all there.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33And I got an Enoch Powell chessboard.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:40 > 0:32:42I got one of these, these are nice.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Toilet seat for someone you don't like.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Suits you, it suits you.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Suits me, yes. Yes?
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Oh, it's me again! But one of the best things about Christmas...
0:32:55 > 0:32:57One of the best things about Christmas, though,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59is the special television programmes.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01The BB She... The BB She!
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Good job I wasn't doing the fronting in that line, wasn't it?
0:33:06 > 0:33:09The BBC are showing Mutiny On The Bounty.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11They're also showing a film about violent attacks on the police in
0:33:11 > 0:33:15the Canadian Rockies, called Boot An Ear On The Mountie.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18And a film about a man who falls off Everest and lands on Raquel Welch
0:33:18 > 0:33:20entitled Mountaineer On The Beauty.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Unfortunately, you won't be seeing...
0:33:23 > 0:33:25You won't be seeing Gracie Fields this Christmas,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28but she has sent a special message from Capri, saying,
0:33:28 > 0:33:30"I'm not coming over, the money's not right."
0:33:33 > 0:33:37And we've been asked to announce that next week on the show of the week,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39there'll be a competition to judge which goals
0:33:39 > 0:33:42of all the goals chosen on Match Of The Day as Goal of the Month
0:33:42 > 0:33:44was this year's Goal of the Month of the Year.
0:33:44 > 0:33:45Send your entries to this address.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Match Of The Day Goal of the Month of the Year,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Goal of the Month, Match Of The Day show of the week, London.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53And now here's Mike Yarwood as himself.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54See if you can recognise him.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Look at the muck on here!
0:34:07 > 0:34:09APPLAUSE
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Oh, thank you, I love you all so...
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Merry Christmas. I love you all dearly, thank you.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Do you know, I'm worn out.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Do you know, my feet are killing...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I still haven't found that charm bracelet, anyway.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26My feet... I'm glad they've shut this door.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29The din in here's ridiculous. Anyway, my feet are killing me.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31I'm telling you, nobody else will work Christmas Day.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33You know, standing here all day, it's not fun, is it?
0:34:33 > 0:34:36And they only got me because I work cheaper than Jack Warner.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39But they're all having a right old knees-up in here, I can tell you,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42they really are. I think Everard might be in there, I don't know.
0:34:42 > 0:34:43Because I haven't seen him all Christmas.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47Anyway, why don't we go inside and have a look?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49AS TED HEATH: # We wish you a Merry Christmas
0:34:49 > 0:34:52# We wish you a Merry Christmas
0:34:52 > 0:34:57# We wish you a Merry Christmas
0:34:57 > 0:35:01# And a Tory New Year. #
0:35:02 > 0:35:06Hello. On behalf of the Conservatives, welcome to my party.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I will now leave you in the very capable hands of Jessie.
0:35:12 > 0:35:17Thank you, Teddy. And you know, it's not everyone who is capable.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Yes, it reminds me, what time's Harold arriving?
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I don't know, but I do know this -
0:35:25 > 0:35:27that we now have a lovely young lady
0:35:27 > 0:35:32who's going to answer some of your requests. Here she is - Madeleine.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Hello. And a special thank you
0:35:36 > 0:35:39to all you men who sent me personal letters.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43Which I shall be passing on to the police afterwards.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47But we have had some song requests.
0:35:47 > 0:35:52Yes. A Mrs Mary Whitehouse would like My Ding-A-Ling.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Princess Anne, a keen follower of Basil Brush,
0:35:56 > 0:36:00would like Horsey, Horsey, Don't You Stop.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05And that lovable little bear, Sooty,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08has asked for a request for his friend Harry Corbett
0:36:08 > 0:36:11entitled I've Got You Under My Skin.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14But you're wasting your time,
0:36:14 > 0:36:20because all old fumble fingers here can play is Chopsticks.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Well, good evening and welcome to the party.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Actually, I don't know why I've been invited here, because I don't know anybody.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27I haven't met anybody yet that I know.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30AS HAROLD WILSON: Oh, hello, Michael. You know me, don't you?
0:36:30 > 0:36:31How's my act doing in the clubs?
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Actually, Mary and I never miss you on the television.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Oh, very good, very good.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I'd just like to make one criticism, and I think I've said this before.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41I said it at the Brighton conference.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43You're doing far too much of Ted.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46After all, he's quite capable of making a fool of himself
0:36:46 > 0:36:49without your help. I think you should do more of me.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind, Mr Wilson,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53thank you very much.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56AS TED HEATH: Hello, Michael, me old shipmate!
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Ah!
0:37:01 > 0:37:03May I say, and I give you my word...
0:37:06 > 0:37:09..I never miss your programme on television.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10I really do enjoy it,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13but I would like to give you a little bit of advice.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Not as your friend, but as your Prime Minister.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17You're doing far too much of Harold.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20You should do... You should do much more of me.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21After all, what has Harold got?
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Very little. I mean, it's the wave and the pipe and the "This will not
0:37:25 > 0:37:27"affect the pound in your pocket," and he's finished.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I've only got to shake my shoulders and people fall about laughing.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33You know? "Heh-heh-heh!" Really?
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I'm more of a comedy character, rather like Harry Worth,
0:37:36 > 0:37:37you know the sort of thing.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40"My name is Edward Heath, I don't know why,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42"but there it is. Ha-ha-ha!"
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Well, I'll think about that, Mr Heath. Thank you so much, thank you.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50AS FRANKIE HOWERD: What a funny fellow! Poor soul.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54No, here, listen, no, don't titter, because you haven't been.
0:37:54 > 0:37:55Listen.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01No, it's nice to be here, though, it...
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Oh, look, I recognise those feet over there.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Tell me, dear boy, do you think they'll be any...
0:38:15 > 0:38:19Do you think there'll be any light refreshment at this confounded party?
0:38:19 > 0:38:21AS CLEMENT FREUD: I'm terribly afraid there will.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26In fact, I brought Henry especially.
0:38:26 > 0:38:31I think the food is arriving now. Here's Mr Heath's housekeeper.
0:38:31 > 0:38:32Grub up! Come and get it.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35What an exquisite,
0:38:35 > 0:38:39delectable appetising morsel of mouthwatering sustenance.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41What is it, dear?
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Gristles.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45What'll it be for you, eh, Teddy boy?
0:38:45 > 0:38:49Eh? A seabiscuit, a lump of salt pork, and a dollop of cabinet putting?
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Oh, no, thank you, Hattie, I'm trying to watch my figure.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Make a change from watching mine.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55Watching mine!
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Good gracious me, look who's over there.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03Now who in... Who invited George Brown?
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Aren't you Jimmy Edwards?
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Of course I'm not.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10I'm Gerald Nabarro.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Well, it's an easy mistake to make.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16After all, so many people look like Gerald Nabarro.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Look, I have to get back to the house.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Can I give you a lift?
0:39:21 > 0:39:24Not if you're going a roundabout way.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30All right, George, that's quite enough of that.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Now listen, everyone, I think we should have a little sing-along.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35We've got Hattie here, and Jessie on the organ,
0:39:35 > 0:39:38so let's have a nice old sing-along. When you're ready, Jessie.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39One, two, three...
0:39:39 > 0:39:43# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
0:39:43 > 0:39:47# Oh what fun it is to ride on Morning Cloud all day
0:39:47 > 0:39:49# Oh!
0:39:49 > 0:39:52# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
0:39:52 > 0:39:56# Oh what fun it is to see a MP squirm with Day
0:39:56 > 0:39:58# As we going to see her
0:39:58 > 0:40:00# Nodding sleepy heads
0:40:00 > 0:40:01# Hang your stocking up
0:40:01 > 0:40:03# Ah, hang 'em in a row
0:40:03 > 0:40:07# Father Christmas bold will down a chimney come
0:40:07 > 0:40:11# And then he'll take his whiskers off and get into bed with Mum
0:40:11 > 0:40:13# Oh!
0:40:13 > 0:40:15# Jingle bells, jingle bells Vote Tory every day
0:40:15 > 0:40:20# And spend our final years on unemployment pay
0:40:20 > 0:40:23# Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, the end is near, I fear... #
0:40:23 > 0:40:27So, friends, we wish you a very happy Christmas and a very, very, very happy new year.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30And I want to tell you, if you want to vote for us,
0:40:30 > 0:40:32the name is Mike Yarwood and...
0:40:32 > 0:40:33..Adrienne Posta.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36So if you want to vote for us, we'd love to hear from you.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37Goodnight, God bless.
0:40:38 > 0:40:46# Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh. #
0:40:52 > 0:40:54APPLAUSE
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Well, I hope you're all enjoying yourselves.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03We had our BBC staff party this morning.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05You know, it was all knees up Mother Brown,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08and funny hats and throwing streamers
0:41:08 > 0:41:10and then somebody spoilt it all
0:41:10 > 0:41:12by asking if there was anything to drink.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15And a BBC official said they were very sorry,
0:41:15 > 0:41:18but the old chap who looks after the drinks cabinet
0:41:18 > 0:41:20had passed away last June.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22And taken the key with him.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27I don't suppose anybody really believed it but a few of us
0:41:27 > 0:41:31held hands in a quiet corner and tried to get in touch with him.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Anyway...
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Feel free, please. Anyway...
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Anyway, the party broke up soon after that
0:41:38 > 0:41:42when a member of the Light Entertainment Allotment Society said
0:41:42 > 0:41:44that Joyce Grenfell had pulled a knife on him.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Of course, I shall have my own little family party tonight.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52And of course, Grandfather will be there as always.
0:41:52 > 0:41:53Marvellous old chap, you know.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55You'd never think he was 104.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57He looks much older.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02He actually, dear Grandad, had a very quiet Christmas last year.
0:42:02 > 0:42:03His hearing aid broke down.
0:42:05 > 0:42:10Now, there is a man who knows what hard times are really like.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14He really does. He was telling me that he never saw an orange until
0:42:14 > 0:42:16he was six. Can you believe that?
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Never saw an orange until he was six.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21And he remembers at the age of five, sitting up in bed Christmas morning,
0:42:21 > 0:42:23trying to peel a tennis ball.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Actually, it has been a very good year for myself and my family,
0:42:29 > 0:42:31if I may be presumptuous enough to say that.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35Since I have been, or it has been a very good year for my wife.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38My wife, you know, my wife who is rather prone to unusual ailments.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41You may remember she went down to the cellar for a bucket of coal
0:42:41 > 0:42:43and came up too quickly and got the bends.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50She's actually, she's actually very happy now because she has found
0:42:50 > 0:42:53a new doctor. And although he hasn't cured her of anything as yet,
0:42:53 > 0:42:57he's got her a picture on the centre page pull-out of this month's Lancet.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01Case of the Month. Miss Ear, Nose and Throat.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04It's not really right to laugh at somebody like that.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06And I'm very glad you didn't.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08LAUGHTER
0:43:10 > 0:43:14It's getting a bit ridiculous, you know, her being a hycachondriac.
0:43:14 > 0:43:15A hycho-pondriac.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17A hy... Her being a hychopon...
0:43:17 > 0:43:20There is such a word, you know, as hychopondriac.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22There is such a word as hychopondriac.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Some people like to walk, some people like to hychopondriac.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29Her being a hypochondriac, it is getting ridiculous.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Going to bed every night is like moving day at Timothy Whites.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35She actually has an arrangement with the local hospital.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38If she doesn't call them in the night, they call her.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43And recently, she's been so worried about getting insomnia
0:43:43 > 0:43:45that she can't sleep.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47As I was saying, I am very grateful that, you know,
0:43:47 > 0:43:50this has been a bit of a year for me with the pantomime, television,
0:43:50 > 0:43:54things like that. I thought I was beginning to do rather well,
0:43:54 > 0:43:57think my luck was changing when my parents changed their name back
0:43:57 > 0:44:01to Corbett. The milkman offered me a ride in his cart.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Also, one of my little girls,
0:44:03 > 0:44:06one of my little daughters, is getting star billing in the school
0:44:06 > 0:44:08production of Julius Caesar.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10And she's only the second standard-bearer.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13So it does make a difference, you see.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15That, and the fact that she's with my agent.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20That I didn't know until the headmistress rang me up
0:44:20 > 0:44:23and asked me what was meant by a percentage of the gross.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27But what I actually came out here for,
0:44:27 > 0:44:28in case you're beginning to wonder,
0:44:28 > 0:44:32and I certainly am, was that...
0:44:32 > 0:44:34was to propose a toast.
0:44:34 > 0:44:38I won't actually drink any of this wine because it was made especially
0:44:38 > 0:44:41for me by my wife's dear old mother.
0:44:41 > 0:44:42And there is no known antidote.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46So the toast is, to theatrical agents.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50Now, you may... Now you may think that's a little bit odd.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53But they do have a worrying time at Christmas. This is absolutely true.
0:44:53 > 0:44:58Last year, my agent was looking after a very young actor who was
0:44:58 > 0:45:01doing very, very well in a repertory company near Bristol.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04About two months before Christmas,
0:45:04 > 0:45:07the repertory company had to close down. Because business was bad.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Had to shut the theatre. So my agent said to him, "Don't worry,
0:45:09 > 0:45:12don't get yourself in a state" - he had a family - "Don't worry."
0:45:12 > 0:45:14He said, "I'll try and fix you up in a pantomime.
0:45:14 > 0:45:15"I'll ask Freddie Hobson."
0:45:15 > 0:45:18He was a chap who put on very small pantomimes all over the country.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20Really small pantomimes.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Like Robin Hood And His Merry Man.
0:45:23 > 0:45:27I said, "I'll ask him to pop into the theatre next week and see the show."
0:45:27 > 0:45:28He said, "What part are you playing?"
0:45:28 > 0:45:31The young lad said, "Well, it's going to be a bit awkward because next week
0:45:31 > 0:45:33"I'm actually playing Hamlet."
0:45:33 > 0:45:35The part of Hamlet. It's hardly like a pantomime.
0:45:35 > 0:45:36"Never mind," said the agent.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39"At least it'll give him an idea what you can do."
0:45:39 > 0:45:40So, sure enough, next Thursday,
0:45:40 > 0:45:42the young actor was in the dressing room getting his make-up on,
0:45:42 > 0:45:45wondering how to make Hamlet sound a bit like a pantomime
0:45:45 > 0:45:48when the stage manager rushed in and said, "Freddie Hobson's arrived,
0:45:48 > 0:45:49"he's in his seat, so the best of luck."
0:45:49 > 0:45:53So the play starts, you see, and just before his big soliloquy,
0:45:53 > 0:45:55he has a brainwave. So he starts...
0:45:56 > 0:46:01"To be, or not to be.
0:46:01 > 0:46:04"That is the question.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06"Oh, yes, it is!"
0:46:06 > 0:46:08- AUDIENCE:- Oh, no, it isn't!
0:46:12 > 0:46:13APPLAUSE
0:46:18 > 0:46:19Thank you.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28Ladies and gentlemen, Cilla Black.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30APPLAUSE
0:46:38 > 0:46:42# First thought comes into my mind when I wake up
0:46:45 > 0:46:50# Heaven knows what I would do if we ever should break up
0:46:52 > 0:46:57# You're my whole world and I want you to know it
0:46:57 > 0:47:00# I love you and I'm sure that it shows
0:47:00 > 0:47:06# This is my chance and I'm not going to throw it away
0:47:08 > 0:47:14# You, you, you do something to me
0:47:14 > 0:47:17# You, you, you
0:47:17 > 0:47:21# Your love runs through me
0:47:21 > 0:47:28# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do
0:47:28 > 0:47:34# Cos now and forever my life depends on you
0:47:36 > 0:47:41# There was a time when I believed that I had no tomorrows
0:47:43 > 0:47:49# I pretend that I was happy to hide all my sorrow
0:47:50 > 0:47:54# But then you came, from that moment I knew it
0:47:54 > 0:47:58# The bad times were behind me and through
0:47:58 > 0:48:04# It is your love that has brought back the bright shining days
0:48:06 > 0:48:12# You, you, you do something to me
0:48:12 > 0:48:15# You, you, you
0:48:15 > 0:48:19# Your love runs through me
0:48:19 > 0:48:26# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do
0:48:26 > 0:48:31# Cos now and forever my life depends on you
0:48:31 > 0:48:33# You, you, you
0:48:33 > 0:48:37# Do something to me
0:48:37 > 0:48:39# You, you, you
0:48:39 > 0:48:44# Your love runs through me
0:48:44 > 0:48:51# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do
0:48:51 > 0:48:55- # Cos now and forever - Now and forever
0:48:55 > 0:48:59- # Now and forever - Now and forever
0:48:59 > 0:49:06# Now and forever My life depends on you. #
0:49:06 > 0:49:08APPLAUSE
0:49:11 > 0:49:14APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:49:18 > 0:49:21There's your whisky, then. Was there something else?
0:49:21 > 0:49:23- Yes, two bottles of gin, please. - Oh, right.
0:49:25 > 0:49:26Thank you. A bottle of brandy.
0:49:30 > 0:49:31Six cans of lager.
0:49:35 > 0:49:36Two quarts of light ale.
0:49:40 > 0:49:41A flagon of cider.
0:49:45 > 0:49:46A pipkin of Tia Maria.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52Thank you.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54Three quarts of Empire 45 port-type sherry.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59A gallon can of Pernod.
0:50:01 > 0:50:02Thank you.
0:50:02 > 0:50:03A firkin of port.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09Yeah. Two bottles of vodka.
0:50:13 > 0:50:14A lot of Bols.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21And a small stuffed olives, please.
0:50:24 > 0:50:25- Thank you.- Is that the lot, then?
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Yes, that'll do for now, thank you.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29Terrible rush, this Christmas lark, isn't it?
0:50:29 > 0:50:32Yeah. If it wasn't for the kids, we wouldn't bother, you know.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44Ladies and gentlemen, now it's Dad's Army.
0:50:54 > 0:50:55Excuse me.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58Excuse me.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00Mr Mainwaring says he doesn't want the phone to ring
0:51:00 > 0:51:02during the broadcast.
0:51:04 > 0:51:05Open up.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Oh, happy Christmas, Mr Hodges.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12And the same to you. What's going on here?
0:51:12 > 0:51:14You can't come in and you mustn't make noises.
0:51:15 > 0:51:16What's all this here?
0:51:16 > 0:51:19Napoleon trying out a new secret weapon, is he?
0:51:19 > 0:51:21- Why was the door locked? - Don't you read the Radio Times?
0:51:21 > 0:51:24I haven't got time to read all that rubbish, there's a war on.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27We're taking part in the lunchtime Christmas Day programme.
0:51:27 > 0:51:28To Absent Friends.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31Soldiers all over the empire send their greetings.
0:51:31 > 0:51:34Since when have you lot been soldiers?
0:51:34 > 0:51:38We're doing the bit where it says, "Greetings from a Home Guard unit...
0:51:38 > 0:51:42- WHISPERS:- "Somewhere on the south coast of England."
0:51:42 > 0:51:44We're doing the bit just before the King's speech.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46Cor blimey, as if he hasn't got enough to put up with!
0:51:46 > 0:51:49Dear, oh, Lord! Well, I shan't want to miss this.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51I'll go and listen to it on the verger's wireless.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53I'll bet you lot make a right mess of it. Dear, oh, dear!
0:51:55 > 0:51:56HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:52:00 > 0:52:02I've taken the phone off the hook, Mr Mainwaring.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Good, good, good. We don't want any interruptions.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Are we, are we through to the producer in London?
0:52:09 > 0:52:10Good morning, everyone.
0:52:12 > 0:52:14My name is Willoughby Charlton Maxwell.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16And I am your producer.
0:52:16 > 0:52:20Now, this broadcast is to be heard all over the Empire.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23And your section will come just before His Majesty the King's speech.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26You hear that, Wilson?
0:52:26 > 0:52:28Just before the King's speech. What an honour.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Yes, it is, indeed, it's awfully good, sir, yes.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32Are your men all ready, Captain Mainwaring?
0:52:32 > 0:52:34Yes, yes, we're all ready, thank you.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36Would you mind speaking into the microphone, please?
0:52:39 > 0:52:41That's the microphone, there, you see?
0:52:41 > 0:52:42HE BLOWS
0:52:47 > 0:52:48Don't do that!
0:52:48 > 0:52:50Don't do that!
0:52:50 > 0:52:51Don't do that, Jones.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Now, I'd like to try a voice test.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Will someone speak, please?
0:52:57 > 0:52:59Er... You do it, Wilson.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01- What shall I say? - Don't ask me, ask him.
0:53:01 > 0:53:02Right, sir. What shall I say?
0:53:02 > 0:53:05- No, not there, here. - That's the microphone.
0:53:10 > 0:53:11Don't do that!
0:53:11 > 0:53:14- Don't do that! - Will you stop doing that?
0:53:14 > 0:53:15What shall I say?
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Oh, anything you like.
0:53:17 > 0:53:18Try a nursery rhyme.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20There was a young lady from Buckingham, whose idea...
0:53:20 > 0:53:22Walker, Walker!
0:53:22 > 0:53:23Right, carry on.
0:53:23 > 0:53:24I'll do my best.
0:53:26 > 0:53:28Lavender blue, dilly dilly.
0:53:30 > 0:53:32Lavender green.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34I'll be your king, dilly dilly.
0:53:36 > 0:53:37If you'll be my queen.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41- That was awfully good. - Was it really?
0:53:42 > 0:53:45- I'm so glad you liked it.- You really have an excellent microphone voice.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49- Oh, do you really think so?- Have you ever done any of this sort of thing before?- Well, as a matter of fact,
0:53:49 > 0:53:53- I once played the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland when I was at school.- Did you really?
0:53:53 > 0:53:54- Yes.- So did I.
0:53:54 > 0:53:56- Did you, really? - What school were you at?
0:53:56 > 0:53:59- Well, as a matter of fact...- Can we get on with this script, please?
0:53:59 > 0:54:02Oh, Captain Mainwaring, I don't speak till page seven.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04- Do you think I might... - No, certainly not.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06One more voice test, please.
0:54:06 > 0:54:10I'd like to volunteer to be one more voice tester, please.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13# Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron
0:54:13 > 0:54:16# Oh, I won't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
0:54:16 > 0:54:18# Old iron, old iron
0:54:18 > 0:54:20# Diddly diddly la la Diddly diddly la la
0:54:20 > 0:54:21# Dum dum de da da Pum pum! #
0:54:25 > 0:54:28I'm terribly sorry, engineer, I'll see that that doesn't happen again.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31- Don't worry about that.- Poem! Poem by Robert Burns.
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
0:54:33 > 0:54:34O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
0:54:34 > 0:54:37Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle!
0:54:37 > 0:54:39I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
0:54:39 > 0:54:40Wi' murdering pattle!
0:54:40 > 0:54:41Was that nice and clear?
0:54:43 > 0:54:45- Come on... - There's seven more verses.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Never mind that. Get back in your place, Frazer.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50Settle down. And let's start on the script, please.
0:54:50 > 0:54:55I want you to read the lines in perfectly normal, natural voices.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01Hello, soldiers of the Empire.
0:55:02 > 0:55:07I'm a Home Guard commander in charge of a platoon somewhere on the south
0:55:07 > 0:55:12- coast of England.- And I am the Sergeant. I'm second-in-command.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15And I am the Lance Corporal. I'm third in command.
0:55:15 > 0:55:21Just a minute. Could the officer speak a little more clearly, please?
0:55:24 > 0:55:27What's the matter, can't you understand what I'm saying?
0:55:27 > 0:55:30The fact is, you don't sound very much like an officer.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33Try and make your voice a little more officer-ish.
0:55:36 > 0:55:38HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:55:40 > 0:55:44Our HQ is perched on the top of a windswept cliff
0:55:44 > 0:55:47- looking out across the angry sea. - Just a minute.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50- Engineer.- Yes, sir?
0:55:50 > 0:55:51I shall want the sound effects in here.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53Ah, yes.
0:55:53 > 0:55:54Well, I...
0:55:54 > 0:55:57I'm afraid that's going to be a bit difficult, sir.
0:55:57 > 0:55:59Why?
0:55:59 > 0:56:03I had a phone call from the sound effects chappies about half an hour ago.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05And their van's broken down.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09I don't think they're going to make it.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11- But this is absurd.- I know.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13I must have the wind and water.
0:56:13 > 0:56:17Captain Mainwaring, couldn't some of your men simulate them somehow?
0:56:17 > 0:56:19Oh, I should think... I should think so, yes.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21Captain Mainwaring,
0:56:21 > 0:56:24I'd like to volunteer to stimulate the surge of the sounding sea.
0:56:27 > 0:56:29HE MAKES SWISHING NOISES
0:56:35 > 0:56:37That was awfully good.
0:56:37 > 0:56:39- Oh, thank you, sir.- Mr Mainwaring?
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Could I do some seagulls, please?
0:56:41 > 0:56:43HE IMITATES A SEAGULL
0:56:50 > 0:56:53Captain Mainwaring? Shall I make wind?
0:56:56 > 0:57:00Another remark like that, Walker, and I shall order you off the broadcast.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02Start again, please.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04With the sound effects.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11Our HQ is perched on top of a windswept cliff
0:57:11 > 0:57:13looking across the angry sea.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15THEY PERFORM THE SOUND EFFECTS
0:57:16 > 0:57:19And while you're eating your Christmas dinner, we are guarding...
0:57:19 > 0:57:22A bit lower, a bit lower, Pike, a bit lower.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24Not down there!
0:57:24 > 0:57:26Lower your voice.
0:57:26 > 0:57:29- Sorry.- ..from the ever-present threat across the Channel.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31I decide that we don't just sit here,
0:57:31 > 0:57:33it's time for us to go out on petrol.
0:57:36 > 0:57:38On patrol, sir.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41On patrol, I beg your pardon. Time for us to go out on patrol.
0:57:41 > 0:57:43I speak to my sergeant.
0:57:43 > 0:57:45Sergeant, it's time for us to go out on patrol.
0:57:45 > 0:57:47Cor blimey, sir, so it is.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50And it ain't half cold and all.
0:57:51 > 0:57:53- What?- Well, that's what it says here.
0:57:55 > 0:57:58Corporal, it's time for us to go out on patrol.
0:57:58 > 0:58:02Men, it's time for us to go out on patrol.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04The men now realise that it is time for them to go...
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Who wrote this rubbish?
0:58:07 > 0:58:10- I did!- Do be very careful what you say, sir, he can hear every word,
0:58:10 > 0:58:14- you see.- Come on, lads, we're going on patrol.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16And in less time than it takes to tell,
0:58:16 > 0:58:19the men are marching along the cliff top in the teeth of the biting wind.
0:58:19 > 0:58:21Suddenly, one of them points and speaks.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24What's that, Corp?
0:58:24 > 0:58:25What's what?
0:58:26 > 0:58:29Look, there's an object floating in the water.
0:58:29 > 0:58:31Strewth, so there is and all.
0:58:33 > 0:58:37Och, aye, the man's wrecked the noo, och aye.
0:58:39 > 0:58:41..said Jock, our Scottish private.
0:58:44 > 0:58:46All eyes peered out to sea.
0:58:46 > 0:58:49What can it be? What can it be, Sarge?
0:58:49 > 0:58:51Cor blimey, stone the crows.
0:58:51 > 0:58:52It looks suspicious and all.
0:58:54 > 0:58:57I'm terribly sorry, I don't want to be very awkward or difficult,
0:58:57 > 0:58:59but this doesn't seem to be written in very good English to me.
0:58:59 > 0:59:01It's not supposed to be good English.
0:59:01 > 0:59:03It's supposed to be Cockney.
0:59:03 > 0:59:05But you see, I don't speak with a Cockney accent.
0:59:05 > 0:59:07Well, I naturally assumed that being a sergeant, you would.
0:59:07 > 0:59:10But I don't, you see.
0:59:10 > 0:59:12Oh, dear. Look, I know what.
0:59:12 > 0:59:16How would it be if the sergeant played the part of the officer,
0:59:16 > 0:59:19and the officer played the part of the sergeant?
0:59:21 > 0:59:22Young man, I am the officer,
0:59:22 > 0:59:25and he's the sergeant and it's staying that way.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28Mr Mainwaring, I haven't got anything to say.
0:59:28 > 0:59:30Is that cos I talk common, like you?
0:59:32 > 0:59:34Just carry on being a seagull, Pike.
0:59:36 > 0:59:40- Right, Jones.- What can it be? What can it be, Sarge?
0:59:40 > 0:59:41I have got an idea, sir.
0:59:41 > 0:59:45If you keep me covered, I will shin down the cliff,
0:59:45 > 0:59:46dodge between those boulders,
0:59:46 > 0:59:49crawl under the barbed wire and out along the jetty
0:59:49 > 0:59:51where I can get a closer dekko.
0:59:51 > 0:59:53Then I will quickly shin back and give you the griff.
0:59:53 > 0:59:55Wouldn't take two shakes of a lamb's tail.
0:59:55 > 0:59:58Well, right, scarper down and take a quick butchers.
0:59:58 > 0:59:59I am off.
1:00:01 > 1:00:05Cor blimey, sir, look at the old goat go and all.
1:00:05 > 1:00:09Och aye, he's lapping like a wee mountain lamby.
1:00:09 > 1:00:10Lamby?
1:00:10 > 1:00:12I decided to take no chances.
1:00:12 > 1:00:15- Tell the men to get undercover, Sergeant.- Right, guvnah.
1:00:15 > 1:00:18Here, Corp, tell the men to get their flipping heads down.
1:00:18 > 1:00:20- You did well.- Jones?
1:00:21 > 1:00:23- Where are we?- Page five.
1:00:23 > 1:00:27Oh, right. Tickay-tie-B-O, Sarge.
1:00:27 > 1:00:29Tickay-tie-B-O?
1:00:29 > 1:00:32Just a minute, what the... Tickety-boo, tickety-boo.
1:00:34 > 1:00:36Tickety-boo, Sarge.
1:00:36 > 1:00:38You heard what the Sarge said.
1:00:38 > 1:00:42- Take cover.- The men moved like a smooth, well-oiled machine.
1:00:42 > 1:00:45Suddenly, above the sound of the surf,
1:00:45 > 1:00:47we heard the faint cry of Godfrey's voice.
1:00:47 > 1:00:48All clear!
1:00:50 > 1:00:51We heaved a deep sigh of relief.
1:00:51 > 1:00:53ALL SIGH DEEPLY
1:00:53 > 1:00:55All right, all right, all right.
1:00:55 > 1:00:58It was a false alarm but it could have been a Nazi submarine.
1:00:58 > 1:01:01So give us a thought as you're tucking into your Christmas dinners.
1:01:01 > 1:01:04Think of us, the men of Britain's Home Guard,
1:01:04 > 1:01:07who are on constant watch day and night.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09HE BLOWS HIS NOSE NOISILY
1:01:11 > 1:01:15Simple men, shopkeepers, factory workers, butchers, bakers.
1:01:15 > 1:01:16And undertakers.
1:01:16 > 1:01:18James Frazer, 91 High Street Walmington-on-Sea...
1:01:18 > 1:01:20All right,
1:01:20 > 1:01:22- that will do.- Plumes extra.
1:01:22 > 1:01:24Be quiet.
1:01:24 > 1:01:25Men from all walks of life.
1:01:25 > 1:01:28We seek no reward, we only do our duty,
1:01:28 > 1:01:32content in the knowledge that our children and our children's children
1:01:32 > 1:01:35will grow up to be free men and women.
1:01:35 > 1:01:37- And children.- And children.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42Christmas greetings and good wishes
1:01:42 > 1:01:46to and from British citizens wherever they may be.
1:01:46 > 1:01:49We give you the toast, Absent Friends.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52# God rest you, merry gentlemen
1:01:52 > 1:01:55# Let nothing you dismay... #
1:01:57 > 1:02:00Here, it's getting a bit late, isn't it, sir?
1:02:00 > 1:02:04Yes, it is. We ought to be on the air by now.
1:02:04 > 1:02:07- What's happened? - I can't quite make it out.
1:02:07 > 1:02:08Nothing's coming through.
1:02:08 > 1:02:12But don't worry. I'm just waiting for the stand-by light.
1:02:12 > 1:02:13Should be through at any moment.
1:02:13 > 1:02:15Just think, Mr Mainwaring.
1:02:15 > 1:02:17You'll be the last one to speak before the King.
1:02:17 > 1:02:19Do you think he'll be listening?
1:02:19 > 1:02:21Oh, yes, yes, undoubtedly.
1:02:21 > 1:02:23And the Queen. And Princess Elizabeth.
1:02:23 > 1:02:24And Princess Margaret Rose.
1:02:24 > 1:02:25God bless them.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28# We're going to hang our shopping on the... #
1:02:28 > 1:02:30ALL: Ssh, ssh, ssh!
1:02:30 > 1:02:33- What happened to you lot, then? - Quiet, will you? We're just about to go on the air.
1:02:33 > 1:02:37What you talking about? It's all over. I've just been listening to the King's speech on the wireless.
1:02:37 > 1:02:40- Old Mother Riley's Christmas party's on now.- Old Mother Riley?- Yeah.
1:02:40 > 1:02:41Awfully sorry, chaps.
1:02:41 > 1:02:43Hong Kong overran.
1:02:43 > 1:02:44Had to cut you out.
1:02:44 > 1:02:46We couldn't keep His Majesty waiting.
1:02:46 > 1:02:48That's nice, isn't it?
1:02:48 > 1:02:51What have they been doing all this time, then?
1:02:51 > 1:02:52Something I want to say...
1:02:54 > 1:02:56And I want you to listen very carefully.
1:02:57 > 1:02:59- Are you listening?- Yes, I'm here.
1:02:59 > 1:03:00HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
1:03:08 > 1:03:09DOORBELL RINGS
1:03:30 > 1:03:32HE SNORES
1:03:42 > 1:03:44Good morning, sir. Merry Christmas.
1:03:47 > 1:03:51- What?- Merry Christmas, sir, a very merry Christmas.
1:03:51 > 1:03:52Thank you very much, same to you.
1:03:52 > 1:03:55I was just passing by, I thought I'd pop in to wish you a very merry,
1:03:55 > 1:03:58- merry Christmas sir.- Thank you very much indeed, yes.
1:03:58 > 1:03:59A really, really happy Christmas.
1:03:59 > 1:04:01Yes, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
1:04:01 > 1:04:04Very happy indeed. And a very prosperous New Year,
1:04:04 > 1:04:06free from all economic pressures.
1:04:06 > 1:04:07Rather, rather, yes, thank you, yes.
1:04:07 > 1:04:10But above all a very, very happy Christmas with many,
1:04:10 > 1:04:12- many Christmas gifts. - Yeah, thank you very much.
1:04:12 > 1:04:14- Goodbye.- Happy Christmas.
1:04:14 > 1:04:15Oh, dear.
1:04:22 > 1:04:23DOORBELL RINGS
1:04:34 > 1:04:35- Hello!- Hello.
1:04:36 > 1:04:39I just wanted you to know that everything I said earlier about
1:04:39 > 1:04:41having a happy Christmas still stands.
1:04:41 > 1:04:43Thank you very, very much indeed.
1:04:43 > 1:04:45I hope you have a very happy Christmas as well.
1:04:45 > 1:04:48You know, I'm really worried about you having a happy Christmas.
1:04:48 > 1:04:51I quite appreciate that, my dear man. But...
1:04:53 > 1:04:55- Merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas.
1:04:56 > 1:04:58M-merry Christmas...
1:04:58 > 1:05:00Well, I suppose I better be getting on with work.
1:05:00 > 1:05:03Got a lot of work to do this morning with my bottles on this cold morning,
1:05:03 > 1:05:06I just wanted to make sure that you were going to have a very happy Christmas.
1:05:06 > 1:05:08Thank you very much indeed.
1:05:08 > 1:05:09Goodbye!
1:05:13 > 1:05:14HE GROANS
1:05:18 > 1:05:20Look, matey, we want you to have a happy Christmas,
1:05:20 > 1:05:22do you understand that?
1:05:22 > 1:05:23CLATTERING
1:05:23 > 1:05:26We don't want you sitting on broken chairs
1:05:26 > 1:05:28watching a half-burned-down Christmas tree.
1:05:28 > 1:05:33Eating your turkey dinner off a copy of the Radio Times.
1:05:33 > 1:05:35Listening to the radio cos you haven't got a television.
1:05:35 > 1:05:37We have got a television.
1:05:37 > 1:05:38SMASHING
1:05:38 > 1:05:40Cos you haven't got a television.
1:05:42 > 1:05:44We want you to have a happier Christmas than that, mate.
1:05:44 > 1:05:46All right, all right, all right, what do you want?
1:05:46 > 1:05:49Well, it's up to you, sir, whatever you think I'm worth.
1:05:49 > 1:05:50Just tell me what you want.
1:05:50 > 1:05:53Well, it's usually 50p or a packet of cigarettes.
1:05:53 > 1:05:55Cigarettes? There's some in the cupboard over there.
1:05:55 > 1:05:56Thank you.
1:05:58 > 1:06:00Yes, that's the one, yes.
1:06:01 > 1:06:02Here we are, here we are.
1:06:02 > 1:06:04- Take this.- Just two packets?
1:06:04 > 1:06:07- There's 200 in there, you can take them, take them all.- I only want 20.
1:06:07 > 1:06:09- I don't want to appear too greedy. - No, take them, they're yours.
1:06:09 > 1:06:11He don't want them all!
1:06:11 > 1:06:12- Doesn't he want them all?- No.
1:06:12 > 1:06:14All right. There we are.
1:06:14 > 1:06:15Take two packets...
1:06:17 > 1:06:19Not two - one!
1:06:19 > 1:06:21One, yes, there we are, one.
1:06:21 > 1:06:24Thank you very much, sir. Happy Christmas, sir.
1:06:24 > 1:06:26- Happy Christmas.- Merry Christmas.
1:06:26 > 1:06:27Happy Christmas.
1:06:27 > 1:06:30- Yes.- Merry Christmas.
1:06:30 > 1:06:31Merry Christmas.
1:06:36 > 1:06:40- Who was that, dear?- Oh, it's all right, it's all right, dear.
1:06:40 > 1:06:42It's just the milkman.
1:06:42 > 1:06:43Come for his Christmas box.
1:06:43 > 1:06:46Oh, yes, I left a pound on the hall table.
1:06:46 > 1:06:49No, it's all right, I fobbed him off with a packet of cigarettes.
1:06:57 > 1:07:02# Away in a manger
1:07:02 > 1:07:07# No crib for a bed
1:07:07 > 1:07:16# The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head
1:07:16 > 1:07:23# The stars in the bright sky
1:07:23 > 1:07:27# Looked down where he lay
1:07:27 > 1:07:40# The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay
1:07:51 > 1:07:55# Long time ago in Bethlehem
1:07:56 > 1:08:00# So the Holy Bible says
1:08:02 > 1:08:05# Mary's boy child Jesus Christ
1:08:05 > 1:08:09# Was born on Christmas Day
1:08:11 > 1:08:15# Hark now hear the angels sing
1:08:15 > 1:08:19# A new king born today
1:08:19 > 1:08:23# And man will live for evermore
1:08:23 > 1:08:28# Because of Christmas Day
1:08:34 > 1:08:38# While shepherds watched their flocks by night
1:08:38 > 1:08:42# Them see a bright new star
1:08:42 > 1:08:47# Them hear a choir sing
1:08:47 > 1:08:51# The music seemed to come from afar
1:08:54 > 1:08:56# Now Joseph and his wife Mary
1:08:56 > 1:09:00# Come to Bethlehem that night
1:09:01 > 1:09:05# Them find no place to born she child
1:09:05 > 1:09:09# Not a single room was in sight
1:09:11 > 1:09:15# Trumpets sound and angels sing
1:09:15 > 1:09:19# Listen to what they say
1:09:19 > 1:09:23# That man will live forever more
1:09:23 > 1:09:28# Because of Christmas Day
1:09:34 > 1:09:38# By and by they find a little nook
1:09:38 > 1:09:42# In a stable all forlorn
1:09:42 > 1:09:47# And in a manger cold and dark
1:09:47 > 1:09:51# Mary's little boy was born
1:09:53 > 1:09:56# Long time ago in Bethlehem
1:09:57 > 1:10:00# So the Holy Bible says
1:10:02 > 1:10:05# Mary's boy child Jesus Christ
1:10:05 > 1:10:10# Was born on Christmas Day
1:10:11 > 1:10:15# Hark now hear the angels sing
1:10:15 > 1:10:19# A new king born today
1:10:19 > 1:10:24# And man will live for evermore
1:10:24 > 1:10:29# Because of Christmas Day
1:10:29 > 1:10:34# Hark now hear the angels sing
1:10:34 > 1:10:38# A new king born today
1:10:38 > 1:10:43# And man will live for evermore
1:10:43 > 1:10:48# Because of Christmas Day
1:10:49 > 1:10:55# That man will live for evermore
1:10:55 > 1:11:06# Because of Christmas Day. #
1:11:13 > 1:11:15APPLAUSE
1:11:16 > 1:11:18Well, that brings us to the end of the show
1:11:18 > 1:11:21but there are one or two items of late news.
1:11:21 > 1:11:25Mr Heath said in a message to the nation tonight that he is
1:11:25 > 1:11:28still hoping for a settlement in the Cod War.
1:11:28 > 1:11:31He said, "I think we would all like to start the New Year with a solid
1:11:31 > 1:11:33"and worthwhile cod peace."
1:11:35 > 1:11:38The police were victims of a hoax today.
1:11:38 > 1:11:42It happened on the A1 about two miles from Three Bridges at four o'clock,
1:11:42 > 1:11:44when five men who were all at sixes and sevens
1:11:44 > 1:11:46due to being one over the eight
1:11:46 > 1:11:49had dialled 999 and demanded ten cups of cocoa for their elevenses.
1:11:50 > 1:11:54A mathematician is helping the police with their enquiries.
1:11:54 > 1:11:55In Sunderland tonight,
1:11:55 > 1:11:59a bulletin was issued about the man who swallowed an eight-day clock
1:11:59 > 1:12:03on Tuesday. His condition is still giving cause for alarm
1:12:03 > 1:12:04at 7.15 every morning.
1:12:06 > 1:12:09And a special BBC team have been out today, asking famous sportsmen
1:12:09 > 1:12:11what they got for Christmas.
1:12:11 > 1:12:13Ralph Coates said coats.
1:12:13 > 1:12:15Sir Alec Rose said roses.
1:12:15 > 1:12:17And David Broome said brooms.
1:12:17 > 1:12:19Alan Ball was also asked...
1:12:21 > 1:12:24..but he declined to comment.
1:12:24 > 1:12:29A 24-year-old turkey breeder had an unfortunate accident yesterday when
1:12:29 > 1:12:32he fell off the back of his lorry at Smithfield market.
1:12:32 > 1:12:34Within three minutes, he was trussed,
1:12:34 > 1:12:36stuffed and sold as oven-ready.
1:12:36 > 1:12:38And now, it's a merry Christmas from me.
1:12:38 > 1:12:41- And it's a happy New Year from him. Goodnight.- Goodnight.- Goodnight.
1:12:41 > 1:12:43APPLAUSE