0:00:00 > 0:00:00- Subtitles
0:00:00 > 0:00:02- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- "naughty things"
0:00:18 > 0:00:19- Everyone OK?
0:00:20 > 0:00:25- Hello, hello, hello. - I'm Dan, I come from Swansea.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- Boo!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- Boo? Have you all been to Swansea?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- If you haven't been, - I'd describe it like this.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- The Ann Summers shop - has a children's department.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- I didn't vote for it.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- I went in and thought, - "They start them young here."
0:00:47 > 0:00:52- Swansea's children's library - has a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- It's a pop-up! - It can come as quite a shock.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- "What's in here? Oh, my God!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- I've seen a sign in the window - of a Swansea tattoo parlour...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- ..that reads, - "Have your children's party here."
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- "What did you have - on your birthday?"
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- "An anchor - with SpongeBob SquarePants on it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- "And hepatitis."
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- It's nice to be here.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- Can you tell I have a hangover? - You're close enough to see.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Yeah, fine, - I thought I was being professional.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- I went out drinking - and ended up in a house party...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- ..with this face.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- This face. I thought, - "I know what I'm going to do.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- "I'm going to make new friends."
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- I went up to strangers saying, "You, - tell me something about yourself."
0:01:54 > 0:01:59- One boy said, "Let me see. I've - been sky diving for three weeks."
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- "How far up were you?" I replied.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11- What else can I say about myself? - I'm married.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Anyone else married?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Who's single?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- And no-one's happy.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- Some are married, some are single.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- The rest of you - doggers?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Divorced?
0:02:28 > 0:02:33- Alright, calm down, this isn't - Jeremy Kyle. What's the problem?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Being married is nice.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- No! OK, fine.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- I've been married for a few years. - It has its merits.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- You'll be with your loved one - for the rest of your life.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- No? OK.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58- You're in shock. "Rest of your life? - I didn't read the small print.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00- "No, that's permanent.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- "Flippin' heck."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- There is also a downside - to getting married - kids.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Not having children - that's fine.
0:03:11 > 0:03:17- Those of you who are married, - when you got married...
0:03:20 > 0:03:21- ..your family would say...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- .."Can we expect - the pitter patter of tiny feet?"
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- "No."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- "I think we can."
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- This was my Aunt Sarah. - I'd just got back from honeymoon.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- "I think we'll soon hear - the pitter patter of tiny feet."
0:03:39 > 0:03:44- Ironically, we heard she'd been - burgled by a midget.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- It was the sound of scampering.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- What else can I say about myself? - I don't like technology.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- It's something I get - from my mother - it's genetic.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- When my mother receives - a text message, she deletes it...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- ..in case it weighs the phone down.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12- The living room is about - half the size of this room.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- She sits in one corner - with cataracts.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- In the opposite corner, - she has a 12-inch black and white.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- I said, - "Mam, have our old TV - 37 inch."
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- She said she didn't want a large TV - - it'd be too noisy.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- I don't like technology.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Mobile phones, I hate them.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- It's not the technology.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Do you know when you have - a phone call...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- ..and the caller hangs up - before you get to your phone?
0:04:42 > 0:04:47- You think, "I'll call them straight - back," but they don't answer.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Where did they go? - Where could they have gone?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- "Dan's not picking up. - OK, I don't need this then."
0:04:59 > 0:05:00- Dan!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- I like bits and bobs - about technology.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- I like computer games. - Any computer games fans in?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10- Hooray.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- It's still geeky, isn't it? - It's still geeky.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- I had some bother - a couple of weeks ago.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Tad-cu came to stay - - he's a WWII veteran.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- He arrived - when I was playing Medal Of Honour.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- If you're not familiar with it, - it's a WWII simulator.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- He came in and said, - "What's this then?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- I thought, "Oh, shit."
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- "Well, you know that thing - you did in the 1940s?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- "I'm doing it again for a laugh."
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- He was watching me playing.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- It's a game. You're being shot - in the face about 100 times.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- He watched and said, - "It wasn't like this in my day."
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- "I know, it was the '40s, - the graphics would have been shit."
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- Some games I don't like. - There's a game called Guitar Hero.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31- It's rubbish. If you haven't - played it, it's a guitar simulator.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- The guitar is this big.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- There's no strings, - just a click and clack thing.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- If you're doing the chords, - you press these colourful buttons.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- People play it like a real guitar.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- They're like, "Yeah."
0:06:49 > 0:06:50- Click.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52- Click, click, click.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Tricky bit. Click. Click.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58- Yeah.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- You're just doing windmills - around the house.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06- They genuinely think that - when they've completed the game...
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- ..if they had a real guitar, - they could play it.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- "No, you can't."
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- That's like saying after completing - Mario Bros, I'm a qualified plumber.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- If that were true, - it would be amazing.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- "Where's the trouble? In the pipe?"
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- "I can see the blockage. Turtles.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- "I jumped on their heads - and they're dead.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- "If it happens again, just try that.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- "If they walk into you, you die. - Careful."
0:07:55 > 0:08:02- My friend is the World No.1 player - of Gears Of War.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- Have you played that?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Naturally, geek.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- He's the World No.1 player.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- It's a violent, shooty-killy game. - He's No.1!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- In real life, haemophiliac.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- If he pricks his finger, he dies.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- On-line No.1 in the world.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- It's like the World No.1 - Pac-Man player having bulimia.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- "Are you OK in there?" "Yes, - I'm fine. Do you have any mints?"
0:08:45 > 0:08:50- One part of technology - I really do like. That's my car.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- I do around 1,000 miles a week.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- I've only just learned how to drive.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- Parking - that's a massive pain.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- I had a gig in a pub - around a month ago.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- There's no car park in the pub but - there's one in the prison opposite.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- It was night-time - so I decided to park in there.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- There was a sign in the car park...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- .."Warning, parking is for - staff and visitors only."
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- I thought, "Obviously.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Only three groups of people - use the prison.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Staff, visitors and prisoners.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- You can't give them a car parking - space. They won't learn.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- They'd just be livid - looking out of their cell window.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47- "Mate, you've blocked me in. You'd - better be gone in 20 years' time."
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- As I was saying, I'm not single now.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- I used to be.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- I wasn't good at being single. - Men aren't good at pulling.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Any chat-up lines that work?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- No.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Ever. Women never use - their chat-up lines on us.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- That would be great. - It would be really easy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Girls, we're easy.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- If you see a boy you like - in a club or a bar...
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- ..walk up to him and say, - "Alright? I'm ready."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- That's it!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- "She's ready. Don't know who she is - but she's taking me."
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- I used to use chat-up lines - but I was rubbish.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- I knew how they began...
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- ..but I'd never remember the end - of the chat-up line.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- I was in a club - and I saw a girl wearing glasses.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- I thought, - "Glasses. We can talk about books."
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- I went up to her and said, "Alright?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- "I like my girls - to be like my books.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- "Thin...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- "..with a damaged spine."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- I didn't pull a lot of birds.
0:11:21 > 0:11:27- I don't know what to say when I'm on - the pull or going out with someone.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- I'd been going out with one girl - for a few weeks.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36- She said, "Dan, - where have you been all my life?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I just said, - "Oh, I was watching you."
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- And also, - you have to talk dirty now.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- You like dirty talk in the bedroom.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- No?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Oh.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- What do you like - Geronimo! - Is that enough?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- I was trying to talk dirty. - I remember a girl going down on...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Oh, S4C.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- ..my winky.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- She looked up at me and said, - "Oh, Dan, I like your cock."
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- I was just, like... "Oh, cheers."
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- "You need to touch up your roots."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Just trying to help. - I wasn't good at it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- I went on a talk dirty course.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- It was like speed dating.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- There was a table. I was on - one side, a girl was on the other.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- It was UCAS-approved.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- That's how I ended up - in Swansea University.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- A woman came over and said...
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- .."OK, Dan. Dan and Barbara.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04- "Dan, start off by saying - something dirty, something cheeky."
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- "Right, cheeky, right.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- "What can I say? I want to put...
0:13:14 > 0:13:15- Lot of options.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- "I want to put my knob...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Classic.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- "..in your...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Oh, again.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Lots of holes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- "I want to put my knob - in your mouth."
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- Nice.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Barbara, answer that.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- "I don't put anything in my mouth...
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- "..unless it's been in my pussy."
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Nice.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- "Dan, answer that."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- "Do you get thrown out - of a lot of restaurants?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- This has been great. - I've been Dan Thomas. Goodnight.
0:14:34 > 0:14:34- .
0:14:37 > 0:14:37- Subtitles
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- "impersonal hygiene"
0:14:58 > 0:14:59- Thank you for your welcome.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- This is lovely. How are you?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- I come from Ammanford. - You don't know where that is.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- You're lucky.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- There are more people in Ammanford - than teeth.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- If you're not going to laugh, - piss off.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- You're spoiling it.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32- It's nice to be here. I come - from a large family - 12 children.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Even my father has stretch marks.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- When I got here today, - I had time to spare.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- The boys told me to go for a walk. - I went to St Fagans.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- It's old-fashioned, isn't it?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- It was alright, but there were - Northwalians everywhere.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- They were having a great time.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- They thought it was Techniquest.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Cardiff's so expensive.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- I passed a dodgy van that sold - chicken baguettes and I was hungry.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- I asked the man - how he prepared his chickens.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- "We just tell them - they're going to die."
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- I had a spot of bother - on the way here this morning.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- It wasn't my fault.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- The boys asked me yesterday - if I fancied a quick pint.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- I thought, why not? We went down to - the snooker club for a quick pint.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- To be honest, - I drank it a little too quickly.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- I slowed down for the next ten.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- I was so drunk - I can't remember how I went to bed.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- I woke up this morning - feeling rough.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- The sun was shining through the - window and my waterbed was leaking.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Then I remembered - - I don't have a waterbed.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- There was a rainbow over the bed.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- I was so rough.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41- My mouth felt as if I'd slept - with everyone in the Royal Welsh.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- But only the people this time.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- It's not the first time - I've been to Cardiff for a job.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- A few years ago, - my mother was on the change.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- She was nasty. She was - on the change... Not quite yet.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04- You know what I mean.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- She said, - "Phil, go and find a decent job."
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- I came to Cardiff to find a job - and I found a decent job...
0:18:13 > 0:18:14- ..in a sperm bank.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- In Cardiff. Have you been?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- A sperm bank.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- 250 a sample.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- 250 a shot.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- I thought it would solve everything.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- I stopped to think.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Over the years, about 2.5m - has slipped through my hands.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- My shower curtain is worth 500,000.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- I was making money hand over fist.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- My wife would tell me - I never spent money on her.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- I said, - "Good girl, over the years...
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- "..I've splashed out a fortune - over you."
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- And what did she do? - She spat it back in my face.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39- This morning, I was rough, - I wasn't feeling right.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I had such a bad stomach.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- I got up, got dressed - and I ran to catch the bus.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- That's when things - started going wrong.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- I stepped on the bus...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- ..and I felt a movement.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- I thought, - "I'll just let off a sly one."
0:20:04 > 0:20:05- You know what I mean.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- You know?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Some of you are doing it now.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- You're sitting next to her.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- What happened next - was a bit of a surprise.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- I had a little bit more...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- It was more like a follow-through.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- I was ill, I wasn't well.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- All I know is, there was plenty of - room for me on the bus this morning.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- The passengers moved to the back.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- They insisted I went to the top - but it was only a single decker.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- When we reached Swansea...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- ..I had to sort it out.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- I needed new trousers.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I went to the man in the market...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- .."Levi's, denim, 34, - keep the change."
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- I ran out with the bag.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02- Straight to the train station, - I caught the train just in time.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- I had an hour to sort myself out - before coming to see you.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- The best place to do that - on the train is the toilet.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- I went past the buffet car.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- I cleared the aisle.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- I went in to the little cubicle - on the train.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- It was disgusting.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- What kind of people - travel on trains these days?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30- It was so filthy in there, - I had to piss in the sink.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- I had time to get cleaned up.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- The train was leaving Swansea.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- I took my shoes off. - They were soaking.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- There was a strong smell - in the train...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- ..so I knew I was passing - Port Talbot.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- I took my trousers off.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- I threw them out through the window.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- I watched them being blown - on the wind.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- People in Port Talbot - were fighting over them.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- I started using the Swarfega and the - hand cleaner and all that nonsense.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Then I was clean.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- I'd even taken off my boxer shorts. - I threw them out in Bridgend.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- They got stuck - on the train's windowsill.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- As if they knew where they were.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31- I thought I was sorted.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- The train arrived in Cardiff - station. I thought I was sorted.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- No trousers, no pants, - but I was sorted.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- I grabbed the bag.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- You've been great. - Thanks for laughing. Goodnight.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
0:23:32 > 0:23:32- .