:00:45. > :00:50.OK. Thank you, thank you. How are you. Hello, I'm John Bishop,
:00:50. > :00:54.welcome to my Big Year. This will be a review of all the year.
:00:54. > :00:59.Unfortunately, due to the BBC cuts, we are only reviewing 11 months of
:00:59. > :01:05.the year. The thing is, 2012 has been a massive year, we can't cover
:01:05. > :01:09.it all, just by telling awe few jokes. Some of you will have to see
:01:09. > :01:19.through sketches, like this one, that shows us exactly what the
:01:19. > :01:33.
:01:33. > :01:36.Greeks did to respond to their Obviously we couldn't talk about
:01:37. > :01:42.2012 without looking at the biggest event of the year, it was the event
:01:42. > :01:46.that brought a tear to the eye of every Englishman, an event where we
:01:46. > :01:56.all thought, I wish I was there, being part of that experience. No,
:01:56. > :02:01.
:02:01. > :02:06.I don't mean the Tulisa sex tape! I No review of 2012 would be complete
:02:06. > :02:10.without the Olympics and Paralympics. From the moment Becks
:02:10. > :02:17.lit the flame, the word on the street was it would be rubbish.
:02:17. > :02:22.Some how 8,000 torch-bearing do- gooders later, we forgot how
:02:22. > :02:28.cynical us Brits were supposed to be. Then the games began. Danny
:02:28. > :02:31.Boyle treated us to sparkly rings, poorly kids, and the span who made
:02:31. > :02:38.the Internet. None of us had a clue what any of this meant, but we
:02:38. > :02:48.loved it. It turns out we were actually quite
:02:48. > :02:52.good at this whole Olympic thing. Soon, Hoy Simmons, her and thingy,
:02:52. > :02:58.and all became household names, and sport ruled the world. 185 medals
:02:58. > :03:05.later, it was all over, and finally London could go back to being
:03:05. > :03:10.miserable again. APPLAUSE
:03:10. > :03:13.It was, to be fair, the Olympics was one of those things that
:03:13. > :03:19.excelled everyone's expectations. Give me a cheer if you thought it
:03:19. > :03:23.was going to be shit! We did, didn't we. What changed it, without
:03:23. > :03:27.a doubt, was the Olympic Torch relay. It showed in that clip there,
:03:27. > :03:30.how much people got behind it. I was one of the people who was
:03:30. > :03:34.flattered to be asked to carry the Olympic Torch. And then I realised
:03:34. > :03:44.who else was doing it, and that really knocked your ego when you
:03:44. > :03:46.
:03:46. > :03:51.realised it is not just you, there is people like Will.I.Am, Jedward,
:03:51. > :03:57.for me, the biggest insult was Didier Drogba. Didier Drogba God a
:03:57. > :04:02.chance to run with the Olympic Torch, he had the go at it, he went
:04:02. > :04:06.about 15 yards and then fell over holding his knee and looking for
:04:06. > :04:10.someone to get booked. It was brilliant the way the nation got
:04:10. > :04:14.behind it, it was typically unBritish in many respects.
:04:14. > :04:20.Normally you would not expect anyone to support that. In here now,
:04:20. > :04:25.give me a cheer if you went and saw anybody running with the Olympic
:04:25. > :04:31.Torch. It just think of that, those people here, you look like normal
:04:31. > :04:37.people, normal British people. You went to watch somebody you don't
:04:37. > :04:40.know, running with a very ill- fitting tracksuit on, carrying
:04:40. > :04:44.something on fire! That wouldn't normally happen. People wouldn't do
:04:44. > :04:50.that. If you had said to you 12 months ago you are going to be
:04:50. > :04:53.doing, that you would go piss off. The London riots were last year!
:04:53. > :04:58.But that's what I'm saying, we genuinely got behind it as a nation.
:04:58. > :05:04.I was one of the people who got the letter saying, will you run with
:05:04. > :05:07.the Olympic Torch? I was honoured I said yes, they said, we will send
:05:07. > :05:11.awe tracksuit. We have all seen the tracksuit. Not the best tracksuit,
:05:11. > :05:15.to be fair, the tracksuit arrived, this little white number, looked
:05:15. > :05:20.like a romper suit, to be honest with you. It came with a letter
:05:20. > :05:24.saying this tracksuit has been specially designed by Stella
:05:24. > :05:29.McCartney. It might have been designed by Stella McCartney, but
:05:29. > :05:33.it must have been made by Lidl. It was minging, I never wore anything
:05:33. > :05:38.as flamable in all my life. That is why everybody running with the
:05:39. > :05:43.Olympic Torch was running with it like that! It couldn't be more
:05:43. > :05:49.flamable, you couldn't get more polyester into it. Jedward hadn't
:05:49. > :05:53.done their hair before they put the tracksuit on. We haven't had the
:05:53. > :05:56.torch relay before. We are in times of austerity, when someone is
:05:56. > :06:06.running through your streets with something shiny and it might be
:06:06. > :06:24.
:06:24. > :06:30.worth a few quid. We know what That, by the way, is a lesson to
:06:30. > :06:33.all potential thieves, dressing in drag doesn't help! What took
:06:34. > :06:38.everybody by surprise, I think, when you look at the Olympics, was
:06:38. > :06:43.the Opening Ceremony. It was, to be fair, unbelievable. It was massive.
:06:43. > :06:47.For everyone in the country, we were all blown away by it. No-one
:06:47. > :06:51.had a bleeding clue what was going on. But when Danny Boyle put it all
:06:51. > :06:54.together it looked fantastic. What I loved about it, they had the
:06:54. > :06:58.Olympic teams coming in, and when you looked at the Olympic teams, it
:06:58. > :07:06.was just like a load of lads on stag do, wasn't it, and girls on
:07:06. > :07:11.hen dos, they are all dressed in mad clothes with cameras going whe
:07:11. > :07:14.hey. I kept on expecting them to piss in a pint glass. In the
:07:14. > :07:17.Opening Ceremony, all the things going on, the one thing that stood
:07:17. > :07:22.out and will stand the test of time, that was the thing with James Bond
:07:22. > :07:26.and the Queen. Wasn't it? That was the thing where we all went, that
:07:26. > :07:30.is brilliant! And I can't be the only one that when that clip went
:07:30. > :07:34.on, and then see's gone in the helicopter and you see her coming
:07:34. > :07:38.out, you think, she's doing well. And everyone suggesting it wasn't
:07:38. > :07:43.her, it was a stunt man, but we don't know, because we never
:07:43. > :07:50.actually saw the Queen land. Her Majesty is about to jump from
:07:50. > :07:55.the helicopter into the Olympic stadium. And there she goes.
:07:55. > :08:00.We seem to have temporarily lost the Queen, very high winds reported
:08:00. > :08:07.earlier today, as soon as we find her again.
:08:07. > :08:17.I'm really getting into this skydiving lark.
:08:17. > :08:18.
:08:18. > :08:28.Philip? Philip where are you? I have landed. Coming dear.
:08:28. > :08:29.
:08:29. > :08:37.Now, where's Harry. Hiya granny.
:08:37. > :08:41.Oh Harry! I'm glad you enjoyed it, that just
:08:41. > :08:44.cost me a Knighthood. You know what, what was brilliant
:08:44. > :08:49.about the Olympic as well, I have just been on tour, so we have all
:08:49. > :08:54.assumed it was the London 2012 Olympics, I was in Newcastle. I
:08:55. > :09:04.mentioned the Olympics, the London 2012 Olympics, and somebody in the
:09:05. > :09:06.
:09:06. > :09:12.audience shouted out "( inaudible) that is" that is how they speak in
:09:12. > :09:18.Newcastle. All the teles will be turned off in Tyneside. They were
:09:18. > :09:22.like we never had the Olympic up here, they said we had the Olympics
:09:22. > :09:26.up here. I completely forgot, in Newcastle they had some of the
:09:26. > :09:31.football. At St James's Park. That sounds brilliant if you live in
:09:31. > :09:35.Newcastle, but I looked at the teams that got pick today play in
:09:35. > :09:40.St James's Park, one was the African nation of Gabon.
:09:41. > :09:46.Now you have to think about it, for those poor lads, imagine, imagine
:09:46. > :09:54.what it's like, you eventually get a letter, and it goes "you have
:09:54. > :09:59.been selected to represent the African nation" (African accent)
:09:59. > :10:04.this is a good accent, none of you have spoken to anyone from Gabon.
:10:04. > :10:10.This is a good accent! "you have been selected to represent the
:10:10. > :10:15.African nation of Gabon at the London 2012 Olympics". You come off
:10:15. > :10:21.the plane and there will be someone there from the London Olympic
:10:21. > :10:25.Committee, and they say (in African accent) "we have come to represent
:10:25. > :10:33.the African nation of Gabon in football at the London 2012
:10:33. > :10:37.Olympics, can you tell us where the Olympic village is?" And they go,
:10:37. > :10:46.no, we are not having you here, we are sending you to Newcastle. We
:10:46. > :10:49.are sending you somewhere poorer than where you have come from! The
:10:49. > :10:57.Olympics wasn't the only thing that dominated the press this year, the
:10:57. > :11:00.big thing we were all worried about was the economy.
:11:01. > :11:06.Of this the year when Europe almost imploded.
:11:06. > :11:10.Greeks, Italians, Spanish, all went cap-in-hand to some nice German
:11:10. > :11:14.laidy, called Merkel. She wasn't keen on dishing out hundreds of
:11:14. > :11:19.billions of euros without a few tiny conditions, like not having
:11:19. > :11:24.any police any more, and this accident go down too well. Back
:11:24. > :11:31.home we had our own axe to grind, because we were being asked to pay
:11:31. > :11:36.a few extra pence for a warm snack. Pretty soon it turned into a
:11:36. > :11:40.political pasty-off. We are in Redditch and we popped in to buy
:11:40. > :11:44.sausage rolls. Finally people power prevailed, the Government
:11:44. > :11:49.backtracked and we could spend less money getting fat!
:11:49. > :11:54.But it just shows you, really, what the British priorities were during
:11:54. > :12:00.this year. We had billions of pounds worth of cuts, and what did
:12:00. > :12:05.we really argue about? The pasty tax! It became the most contentious
:12:05. > :12:09.thing in the politics of this year. David Cameron even had to confess
:12:09. > :12:14.his own pasty obsession. I'm a pasty eater myself, I go to
:12:14. > :12:19.Cornwall on hole day, I love a hot pasty, the last one I bought was
:12:19. > :12:22.from the West Cornwall Pasty Company, I seem to remember I was
:12:22. > :12:25.in Leeds station at the time. The choice was whether to have one of
:12:25. > :12:31.the small ones or one of their large ones, I opted for the large
:12:31. > :12:35.one, and very good it was too. Clearly he's talking bollocks. He's
:12:35. > :12:39.never ate a pasty in his life, that's poor people's food. Look at
:12:39. > :12:44.his eyes when he's talking. Any man in here who has tried to lie to his
:12:44. > :12:52.wife, this is what you look like. love a hot pasty, I think the last
:12:52. > :12:55.one I bought was from the West Cornwall Pasty Company.
:12:55. > :13:00.But sometimes, when you look at a legislation like that, and how much
:13:00. > :13:08.it got people wound up, you wonder what would have happened if we
:13:08. > :13:15.hadn't had won the battle against the pasty tax.
:13:15. > :13:25.What you looking for? What you got? Pasties, sausage roll, chicken
:13:25. > :13:30.
:13:30. > :13:37.slice. Got any, steak bake? hard stuff. Come with me. Listen,
:13:37. > :13:47.go easy on this stuff, you don't want to end up like him. Is that?
:13:47. > :13:51.
:13:51. > :14:01.John Prescott. Jesus John. There she is. Freeze, you're under
:14:01. > :14:10.
:14:10. > :14:16.arrest. Steak bake, oh! The reality was,
:14:16. > :14:21.that our economy, we were told, is gone. It's knackered. We have got
:14:21. > :14:25.trillions of debt, but the problem is, none of us know who we owe the
:14:25. > :14:32.money to. We have just to find out who we owe the money to, sit them
:14:32. > :14:36.down, do a deal. Buy them a pint, or shoot them! And the thing is,
:14:36. > :14:40.with 2012, as well, you would think it would have got better. Because
:14:40. > :14:44.2012 we had more bank holidays than ever before. Which means the banks
:14:44. > :14:48.weren't at work, which means there is less chance they cock it up, but
:14:48. > :14:53.it didn't work like. That we still ended up in debt, the bankers are
:14:53. > :14:57.still getting boat news, which is mental. How can bankers still be
:14:57. > :15:01.getting bonuses, that is like News of the World journalists getting
:15:01. > :15:05.free talk-time. It doesn't make any sense. And it is not, it is not
:15:05. > :15:11.just our economy, either, the French have tried to tackle it by
:15:11. > :15:17.pushing up their personal taxation. The top rate of tax in France went
:15:17. > :15:27.up to 75%. For the highest earners. This created a bit of an argument,
:15:27. > :15:45.
:15:45. > :15:55.This is how the French Labour minister, Michel Sappin reacted.
:15:55. > :16:04.
:16:04. > :16:08.APPLAUSE Well that, to me, just explains why
:16:08. > :16:12.the French economy is knackered, they didn't even know they had a
:16:12. > :16:16.tunnel! Of course, social media took a
:16:16. > :16:20.whole new level this year, that none of us could have predicted.
:16:20. > :16:25.But there was one fella, that I found, that took it to a point that
:16:25. > :16:29.none of us could have possibly imagined. His name is Tommy Jordan,
:16:29. > :16:39.he's an American. What's going to do now, is he's going to read a
:16:39. > :16:44.letter that was posted by his own daughter on her Facebook wall.
:16:44. > :16:47."To my parents, I'm not your damn slave, it's not my responsibility
:16:47. > :16:51.to clean up your shit. We have a cleaning lady for a reason. I'm
:16:51. > :16:55.tired of this bullshit. Next time I have to pour a cup of coffee, I'm
:16:55. > :16:59.going to flip shit. I have no idea how I have a life, I'm going to
:16:59. > :17:08.hate to see the day when you get too old to wipe your ass and you
:17:08. > :17:11.call me asking for help. I won't be there. Signed your pissed kid".
:17:11. > :17:15.think it is fair to say that all parents would be disappointed, if
:17:15. > :17:19.we saw our own children writing about us like that. But let's see
:17:19. > :17:27.what Tommy had to say to his daughter.
:17:27. > :17:32.That right there is your laptop, this right here is my 45! That was
:17:32. > :17:38.the first round. These are exploding hollow-point rounds, you
:17:38. > :17:42.have to have pay me back for these too, these are a dollar apiece.
:17:42. > :17:49.After that comment you made about your mom, your mom told me to be
:17:49. > :17:54.sure I put one in there from her, that one is for her.
:17:54. > :17:58.Bad though isn't it, shooting the laptop, 35 million people saw it,
:17:58. > :18:01.none of us know what her reaction is, I'm not sure they are getting
:18:01. > :18:05.on too well. The social media, like everything
:18:05. > :18:10.else on the Internet can turn up some really weird stuff, one of the
:18:10. > :18:16.things that has turned up for me this year is this thing called the
:18:16. > :18:24.Ladies Bank Bank, which is, and I quote, a place for ladies to view
:18:24. > :18:30.some of the best eye candy around. The reason I found out about it, is
:18:30. > :18:40.because wouldn't you just know it, one of those bits of "the best eye
:18:40. > :18:43.
:18:43. > :18:49.candy around"! Turned out to be me. Now, at first, I'm not going to lie,
:18:49. > :18:53.I was pretty flattered. I got 148 likes, and it improved
:18:53. > :19:03.when I looked down when I saw some of the comments that were written
:19:03. > :19:26.
:19:26. > :19:35.Thanks Sharon! I was lovin it. Particularly when this one came!
:19:35. > :19:39.That's a bit harsh, Sarah. You know what, you're never gonna
:19:39. > :19:48.know! The problem with that is then it kicked the ball off, look what
:19:48. > :19:57.happened next, this one followed it! And what about this one! And it
:19:57. > :20:03.got even worse after that. That wasn't the enof it. After me
:20:03. > :20:10.ego had been -- end of it, after my ego had been battered enough, the
:20:10. > :20:17.ultimate humiliation came when I realised I received less likes than
:20:17. > :20:21.a picture of Ryan Gosling's face on a chair. If you think that is a
:20:21. > :20:31.blow to your ego, what was worse is when my wife saw it, she wanted me
:20:31. > :20:32.
:20:32. > :20:37.to order six for our dining room! But the thing is, this year,
:20:37. > :20:41.despite the entire planet having its eyes fixed on the UK, for large
:20:41. > :20:44.parts of 2012, stuff was going on elsewhere. Stuff was going on in
:20:45. > :20:50.the other parts of the world. I wanted to call this section, to be
:20:50. > :20:55.honest with you, Mad Foreigners. But, to be politically correct, the
:20:55. > :21:03.BBC wouldn't let me, they wanted me to call it Global Round Up. This is
:21:03. > :21:06.what it is, Global Round Up full of Mad Foreigners.
:21:06. > :21:16.We all know the Americans love to show off, and shows don't come
:21:16. > :21:17.
:21:17. > :21:22.bigger than the US elections. All the whooping and hollering made
:21:22. > :21:26.it seem like a close battle, but, of course, Barack Obama walked it.
:21:26. > :21:36.For the United States of America, the best is yet to come. Russia
:21:36. > :21:37.
:21:37. > :21:42.also had another re-elected leader, we have seen Putin's action man
:21:42. > :21:45.antics, this year he put some singers away with a powerful
:21:45. > :21:50.message. Italian Silvio Berlusconi was back in court, when he was
:21:50. > :21:58.convicted of tax fraud. The most influential person on the planet is
:21:58. > :22:08.this man. And if YouTube views were votes, he
:22:08. > :22:10.
:22:10. > :22:12.would be elected God! Gangnam- style! We all watched the US
:22:12. > :22:18.elections, because obviously it matters to us, but we always watch
:22:18. > :22:21.them as well to see who gets the celebrity endorsement. It is big
:22:21. > :22:25.showbiz, election time in America. You can see the difference between
:22:25. > :22:34.the two parties, and the winner and the loser, when you see who they
:22:34. > :22:40.hang around with. This is Barack Obama with some of his supporters.
:22:40. > :22:44.# Come on # Baby don't you want to go
:22:44. > :22:49.Stpw # Same old place
:22:49. > :22:57.# Sweet home Chicago How cool is that, he's the
:22:57. > :23:01.President of America, he can sing, and he's mates with Mick Jagger and
:23:01. > :23:11.BB King, that is so cool. Let's have a look at who Herman Van
:23:11. > :23:23.
:23:23. > :23:28.Rompuy was knocking about -- Mitt Ro mney was hanging about with.
:23:28. > :23:38.# Oh from sing # And sing
:23:38. > :23:41.
:23:41. > :23:46.It's just like a bad karaoke, it couldn't be worse, he has a face on
:23:46. > :23:49.him like somebody who has just woke up, and he's singing like his
:23:49. > :23:55.fingers are trapped in a car door. I know all of those jokes weren't
:23:55. > :24:03.good, but two out of three ain't bad! Sorry, I'd do anything for a
:24:03. > :24:10.joke, but I won't do that! Let's leave it, eh!
:24:10. > :24:16.To be fair, it's time to move on, like bat out of hell.
:24:16. > :24:22.I like that last one. As we saw in the build-up, Vladimir
:24:22. > :24:26.Putin has a reputation for being a bit of a tough guy, a he-man, a
:24:26. > :24:36.man's man, this year he proved it by send ago group of women to jail
:24:36. > :24:39.
:24:40. > :24:44.for saying things that weren't very To be fair, I would have sent them
:24:44. > :24:49.to jail for the music, it's shit. One politician, who has had other
:24:49. > :24:56.problems with women, of a different sort, is Silvio Berlusconi. He's
:24:56. > :25:02.been in trouble for having bunga bunga parties. His defence,
:25:03. > :25:07.throughout all of the accusations of these bunga bunga parties, is
:25:07. > :25:11.he's saying that he was one aware that any of the women who attended
:25:11. > :25:16.had been paid for sex. He just assumed that they all really
:25:16. > :25:22.fancied a 76-year-old man, with a weak bladder and boot polish for
:25:22. > :25:25.hair! The crazy thing is, all these politicians must get together, you
:25:25. > :25:29.know when they have their summits, and they have the G8 summit, there
:25:29. > :25:39.must be a moment they all get together and have a chat. It makes
:25:39. > :25:40.
:25:40. > :25:47.you wonder what actually goes on. Ahhhh, David Cameron. Mr Putin.
:25:47. > :25:50.Please, call me Vladimir! Vat a summit this will be. Very true,
:25:50. > :25:58.there are some important issues we will be discussing tomorrow.
:25:58. > :26:05.Tomorrow, I'm talking about tonight. First, we wrestle horse, then we
:26:05. > :26:14.ride bear naked, then we film horse making love to bear! Care to join
:26:14. > :26:23.me? I think I might just have a quiet night in. What a pussy.
:26:23. > :26:30.Dave, you lanky streak of piss. Berlusconi. Ready for a night on
:26:30. > :26:35.the town? No, I think I will stay in. Good idea, a bunga bunga party
:26:35. > :26:44.in David Cameron's room, 16 girls, a bear and a horse. Shush, I'm not
:26:44. > :26:54.hanging out with you. What a pussy. I'm going to have a quiet night in
:26:54. > :27:02.
:27:02. > :27:06.with with, Angela Merkel. Silvio Vladimir, wait up! What a pussy!
:27:06. > :27:11.But there was one crazy foreigner who did something this year that I
:27:11. > :27:17.thought was absolutely staggering. It just shows how far humanity can
:27:17. > :27:27.push itself. This was a man who jumped out of a spaceship, at 24
:27:27. > :27:30.
:27:30. > :27:40.miles above earth. You know, it's only when you are up
:27:40. > :27:42.
:27:42. > :27:52.really high, that you understand how small you are. Out of the way
:27:52. > :27:53.